That's all it takes

[Maria 60]

Sorry I have to vent, what takes years of advancements can be burned away in seconds.
Last night we were eating dinner and the phone rings, and of coarse it's a face time call from her sister about some family crisis. With the Covid tensions already and now she's going to have to deal with some family situation.
She got nervous and gets up and starts pacing the kitchen talking to her sister and then her brother calls and of coarse I don't know why on face time also. Now she's nervous and starts cleaning up her unfinished meal and waving the phone around with her on FaceTime, I now have to get up from my unfinished meal because I have to dodge away from her phone view. I decided to go in the other room while my steak is now getting cold. She then comes in the same room and starts digging threw her purse and again on FaceTime and phone waving everywhere. I get fed up of trying to keep out of the camera view and I go to the bedroom and throw off my wig and actually strip everything off. I went back to my meal in which was now cold and now that I'm changed she not on the phone anymore. She sees me and asked why I got changed and I was so upset I didn't answer and when people are angry we start saying things we don't want to.
She told me how lucky I am that she's so supportive and the patients she needs to deal with me at times, I stopped her and told her I don't understand why she just can't make a regular phone call. I understand seeing my kids and grandkids or our family who lives in other countries with FaceTime, but why is it so important to see her brothers and sisters who live down the street.
I calm down and told her I just can't win, if it's not one thing it's another, now that nobody's coming to my door and I could take advantage a little now I have to deal with this FaceTime and I can't even answer the phone anymore.
I told her in a relationship it has to be a 2 way street and we have to deal with each other's bs and all I was asking of her is that when she's talking on FaceTime if she could just stay in one place and that I wasn't asking for so much. Thank GOD she understood and agreed because this could have easily been one of those taking a few steps back situations.
This is why sometimes I just feel like opening my closet and dump gas on all my fem stuff and just burn it all. How much easier life would be. Thanks for listening

[char GG]

You are correct. Verbal communication is usually the most useful. Even though people live together, they can't read each other's minds.

[Teresa]

Maria,
Maybe it's time for you decide what the dressing means to you so your wife has a clear picture . She was entitled to take her phone call and use the phone as she chose , how you were dressed wasn't her problem , it was yours .

Deciding why you dress is important , do you have GD or is it an enjoyable hobby , you must be honest with yourself so you can state clearly to your wife why you do it , she has accomodated you very well but obviously you are pushing an unknown limit in her .

Throwing a can of petrol over your female clothes won't solve anything and will probably sow the seed of resentment and once that seed is sown it will grow .

Your wife is starting to have to walk on eggshells , consider if you are being fair to her .

[Dutchess]

The world must be ending as I was about to write the very same thing that Teresa did . 100%

This is how I left my ex husband , we had to bend everything around his dressing , our whole behavior in our house had to be modified for him and it wasnt right. Then he also would get nasty / not speak etc , it was ridiculous . I wouldn't put up with that for 3 seconds now , and neither should she .

Forget not being fair , it wasn't right . You don't have a condition that requires kid gloves ..
You deal with it , everyone deserves to live a normal life .. shes doing nothing wrong .

It got to the point that the people HERE had to point out to me how far backwards I was bending over and they helped me go , it was abusive by that time .
You need to take a look at yourself and your attitude.

[Di]

You say two way street? Sounds like your wife has to cater to you. She was upset and pacing . She has the right to be herself just as you have the right to be yourself. She should never be in the position where she feels like she can not.
Maybe just come out to everyone , I dunno but your wife seems very accepting so you need to be accepting of her as well.
As far as burning everything ....that’s ridiculous. I think you are venting.... but get real please.
Many here would be over the moon happy having an accepting wife ....you need to apologize to her.
She should not feel like she cannot be herself in her own house.

[SavannahVee]

Good job keeping your cool. She seems to be accommodating with your dressing, and what could have been an argument became communication.

[Aunt Kelly]

Sounds like way more drama here than was necessary. From what you related to us, your spouse was not thinking about the possibility of outing you via her phone's camera. That's it. No hidden agenda. No ulterior motive. Just preoccupation with some family issue, some family issue that was more important than you being dressed. Read that last sentence again.
She IS that supportive and understanding. Yes she could be a little more aware of such risks to your secret. That IS a valid concern, but it also sounds like her complacency is born of familiarity. Acknowledge the gift understanding and support that has given rise to that familiarity, and I mean aloud to her, then deal with the complacency.

[Maria 60]

You are all right and you are all wrong. I have to do things in my house that maybe are not in my liking and I will bend for her and live in conditions that don't make me happy but I bend. I'm not asking her to climb a mountain or dig a trench we both agreed we didn't want to complicate things telling the children or our family. Me venting tells only a few paragraphs of my life, I bend for her and I would do whatever she wants if she just asks. For example she doesn't say anything but I know she loves the front door open and let in nature light. Without her asking even though I could have the full day dressed I get changed so we can open the door. So I don't want to hear all the bs that our house has to be a curtain way for my dressing when we do things for each other. In any relationship you have to make sacrifices for each other and I believe I hold my own to treat her nothing less then a princess and just the same way I have to keep on eye on her bad habits she has to keep on eye for my habits. No trust me its far from then it's all about me.
I don't think I was asking her for much.

[josie_S]

Welp, it's all pretty much been said. Now to get my popcorn....

[Samm]

Maria, I do know how you feel. I don't blame you for asking your wife to be more careful with facetime. But I don't blame her either for roaming around the house with it. She's probably just so used to you being dressed, that it doesn't even register sometimes. Not to mention that her mind was on the crisis at hand, I'm sure.
My house may as well have a revolving door, with the foot traffic in and out all afternoon/evening, seven days a week. But I choose to live this double life. Wifey and I agree on not telling our friends and families as well. As it would just complicate things.

[docrobbysherry]

"Your dinner got cold"!?:doh:

OMG! End of the world! Burn the house down!:tongueout

[Shelly Preston]

Maria

This has been a difficult situation for you both.

I understand why she would want to face time because you can see reactions to what has been said.

I also know that if you are seen on face time it could get a whole lot worse.


You may need to sit down together and discuss this since you have both had time to process what happened.

Hopefully this will help you both in the future.

[Teresa]

Maria,
Many of us have lived with compromises , at the time I felt I was doing all the giving and not getting anything back but we must consider the wife may be feeling the same way .

I'm not sure if it's really about dressing at all but something that's not quite right with your marriage anyway . I had to accept my TG issues were the straw that broke the camel's back , so we finally agreed to call it a day . At some point you have to start talking openly and honestly

The one question you haven't commented on is how bad is your dressing need , do you have GD ?

This is not a personal attack , reading between the lines I can sense something more going on , a conflict between you increasing needs and your wife becoming tired of it .

[CynthiaD]

I’m always walking into FaceTime calls, and since I’m essentially 24/7 now, and have been close to 24/7 for a long time, I’m always en femme when I walk into a call. The only thing that’s ever happened is that one my wife’s sister said “that’s a nice dress you’re wearing.”

I’ve felt all the guilt feelings and I’ve memorized all the excuses. (No, I’m not wearing a bra, it’s a back-brace, etc, etc, etc.)

I’ve had some difficulty with religious fanatics recently. No details. It was just too painful.

It was a shock, a totally unexpected shock, but it made me understand something I had never truly understood before.

Namely: With the possible exception of my wife, I don’t owe one single person the slightest explanation of why I’m dressed the way I’m dressed.

If pressed, the only explanation I will offer is “My clothing is none of your business.”

And if worse comes to worst, I can easily slip back into my male persona (obnoxious macho AH) and take care of business (no violence).

[Pumped]

At our house nobody would have answered, not because I might be dressed, because we were eating dinner. The rudest part of the whole deal to me is your wife interrupted dinner for a phone call that could have waited a half hour for both of you to finish.

Also your wife could have left the room and let you finish your meal. I don't find this very supportive, dressed or not.

I find it funny how people run to the phone because it rings. You are under no obligation to answer it. Ignore it and call them back later.

[Maria 60]

Teresa it sounds like your on the right path. I read to my wife what I wrote and the responses I got. She also believes it was more because I froze making those steaks and we were enjoying a bottle of wine and the phone call ruined the mode. She explained that she is the elderly sibling and all the family turns to her and all the problems end up at our door.
She explained that after the call it was rude of her to leave the table and throw half her meal in the garbage because she got nervous with her family. We both admitted to our faults.

- - - Updated - - -

All around I'm one who is for all the advancements of technology, but its harder and harder to have any privacy anywhere. My company put a GPS in my truck, but because I may park far from my calls they decided to track my phone. They want to know every step I take, I guess it's ther right to know but is there no more trust in life. Living a part secret life is hard, it seems like we can't do anything anymore. I bought my wife a Valentine gift last week and I didn't even leave the store and my wife called me and asked what I bought her because she got a notice from the bank. To me it's just a little to much but I have to except it. Everyone can't get enough dirty laundry and technology is making much easier for people to get it and harder for some of us to live a little secret life. So at times I have little patience for it. Thanks

[Aka_Donna]

All around I'm one who is for all the advancements of technology, but its harder and harder to have any privacy anywhere. My company put a GPS in my truck, but because I may park far from my calls they decided to track my phone.

I don't think they have a right to track your phone when you are not working. Suggest alternative steps for those moments

[Micki_Finn]

On the one hand, I understand your concern. On the other hand, it’s also not fair to ask her to walk on eggshells in her own home all the time. Should she really have to alter her behaviors to accommodate you?

[alwayshave]

Maria, all in all, your wife gives you a lot of leeway. I'd let her have her video call and retire to another room with my dinner.

[Beverley Sims]

Stop and think, why you are still married to your wife.

Yes, there is something there, don't destroy what you have, patience is a virtue.

[Teresa]

Pumped,
Ignoring phone calls didn't usually happen in my home because we also ran our busines there , missing a phone call might have lost income , some people don't ring back they would go elsewhere with their business .

Also you have to consider if it's an emergency , someone is ill or had an accident . Most of us have microwave ovens it doesn't take long to reheat most meals after the call .

Maria,
It was nothing personal , I've lived a similar life at times , we do feel at times where is my space and privacy ? At least you were able to talk it through after which is great .

[DianeT]

Teresa, seriously. Microwaving a New York strip after someone lovingly bbq'ed it? Now that's asking for trouble.
I think that Maria is Canadian, but if she's half as serious about cooking meat as can be some of my American friends, I can see why she got so upset.

[Paulie Birmingham]

Your phone or company reimbursed phone? I dont take company money for my .phone because if I did they could access it.


I don't think they have a right to track your phone when you are not working. Suggest alternative steps for those moments

[CD Rachel]

I told her in a relationship it has to be a 2 way street and we have to deal with each other's bs and all I was asking of her is that when she's talking on FaceTime if she could just stay in one place and that I wasn't asking for so much. Thank GOD she understood and agreed because this could have easily been one of those taking a few steps back situations.

Hi Maria,

I understand venting... LOL. Yep a careless moment on the face time app could have caused an unintentional outing that was not in your or your wife's best interest. I am so glad that you and your wife were able to talk about it and come to an understanding. Your story shows how we ALL sometimes need to take a step back, calm down and communicate. And yes a relationship whether a marriage or a friendship is a two way street. Sometimes all we need to do is listen and be supportive.

Have a great day Maria.

Hugs
Rachel