Consequences of coming out

[Maria_mtf]

I think I am in the middle of a "coming out pink fog", that is I want to come out to more people but I don?t really know why.

Generally I try not to care too much what other people think, bar my wife and kids. I don?t have many friends and I rarely see them anyway. I don?t think I want to go to my friends houses dressed, nor do I actually want to talk to them about crossdressing. The reason to come out is purely because why not, why hide it.

Recently my wife told her best friend about me (with my blessing), who just happens to be my best friends wife. She was super supportive and said my best wont be bothered. So I am on the fence to tell him.

My wife is supportive so coming out is more appealing these days.

So my question, what actually are the consequences of coming out, anyone had bad experiences? Full time is not on the cards for me and that is a whole different kettle of fish, so anything specific to full time dressers dont really apply.

My starter for 10 list is:
My kids could be bullied having a cd dad
Could lose friends, that?s me and/or my wife
Family could distance themselves from us, seeing kids less

[Karren H]

Effect on your family is the worst thing in my opinion. I would have hated to have anything happen to my wife and kids because of something I was doing.

[Krisi]

My thought is, if you come out to one person (other than your wife who may have her own reasons for keeping your little secret), you have effectively come out to the world. The person you tell will tell someone else, then both will tell a few more people, etc.

You listed four concerns, but there's a fifth; your career. If you are a stocker at Walmart, it won't be a big deal, but you have aspirations of becoming an executive in your company, being known as a crossdresser could hold you back. If you are in the trades, you will get a lot of grief from your co-workers. Jokes and such.

My thought is, you should tell only those people who need to know. Think carefully about this because once it's out, you can't take it back.

[GretchenM]

In my experience, it is hard to tell what will happen. But things will happen. Some knuckleheads will think you have lost your marbles even though there was no prior indication they would be that way. Telling your kids depends on their age. Assume they will tell their friends even if you encourage them not to. And forcing them to keep a secret is really not good parenting when the secret is about a parent's "weird" behavior.

When I came out I wanted to tell everyone, but I didn't. I am sure some friends have figured it out. One friend made an issue of it, but that is OK because a friend that will do that maybe isn't really a good friend. I did tell more than I should have. Pink fog will cause you to think that way - don't do it.

I suggest that you make a list of those who REALLY need to know and gently spill the beans to them only with an explanation. See how it goes before going further. Always be selective about who you actually tell, but recognize that they will tell others and some will be people who are also your friend. You are planting a few seeds and not the whole flower bed. Don't let the Pink Fog guide your coming out - be more thoughtful about the revelation. It really is serious business to tell others about something that has been a secret.

[Kirsty2907]

I think your lucky your wife is supportive. I?d leave it at that and be grateful..

Fight the fog

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Maria,

It sounds as if you are already out. Once you tell someone, including your wife, you're out. Don't count on whoever you tell to keep your secret, even your wife (learned that the hard way). Chances are you wife's BFF already told her husband. Like the saying goes .... once you ring a bell.... Good luck!!!

[Crissy 107]

I agree with GretchenM on not letting the Pink fog guide your coming out. We all know it is a powerful force but it does subside and the knowledge of you will still be out there.

[Micki_Finn]

You never really know how people will react. Sometimes the people you THINK would be cool with it freak out and the people you think will react badly turn out to be supportive. But the reality is 1) you should be ready for anyone to whom you come out to cut you out of their life and 2) The more people you come out to, the less control you have who you’re out to.

[Star01]

I do not see a need or desire to tell anyone as I don?t go out in public and have no desire to transition. Coming out seems to me to be more of a full time transitioning need than anything a stealth crossdresser would do.

I think one needs to consider the members status when accepting advice on here. There is a blurring of the lines where full timers are offering blanket advice that is not always applicable to the average crossdresser.

[Di]

Sherlyn had a need to come out and be accepted and her concern was her adult daughters who for a some time had a strained relationship with their dad . Sadly they did not understand because they took the stance they did not want to know or see. They lived a few hours away and we just made friends separate from other friends.
I wanted her to be completely free and open but never pushed it, because it would have crushed her to not have her daughters in her life. So we kinda had Di and Sher friends and Di and guy side friends.
That was her solution.
I understand wanting others to know and maybe telling your best might go well since his wife knows ( she probably told him anyways) .
Good luck on what you decide is best and I think it has to do with validation.

[jenabrooks]

First of all thanks for the subject, I have been thinking about it a little sense I have retired kids are raise there own families. I don't have a lot of friends and I like it that way but I'm also friendly. Wife is supposed of how I am making new friends at dress shops cosmetic business and some new ladies on a Internet group. I made a trip to a city 3 hours away to buy a new wig and made some new friends there. Now I have more new GG friends than I have old male friends. But I'm still doing this under the radar this is a very tough decision. Good luck with your choice

[Teresa]

Maria,
I feel you should consider the real reasons why you feel you need to come out , is it a deep need though GD ? If not consider the implications if it's what some people would call a hobby . Personally I could never understand using that label because of the heartache and possible damage it can do to family and friends .

So to the question itself for me it finally meant a divorce after 45 years of marriage but after the dust has settled I have gained more than I've lost .

I'm sorry to repeat myself but it's a far different thing in telling someone and the reality of seeing you , if you really need to come out you have to be prepared to accept someday they will have to see you so consider could you live with it.

Your wife is supportive at the moment through knowing but it's fair to assume she will have worries and reservations as she will have to take the brunt of your gender issues , she won't have the same need and feelings as you so she can never fully understand it .

You say full time isn't on the cards but most CDers/TGs want more , I kept pushing until I found a balance but it was far more than my wife could live with , so please don't make promises you can't keep .

My children are adult and i've been out with my daughter and my granddaughter , my son has met me but feels his sons are too young to understand . We also have to consider if it could be a problem with school friends but gender issues are now discussed openly in schools , it's certainly less of a problem than it was .

I found who are my true friends were , I have lost very few but I have made far more as Teresa , personally I feel being full time helps as they are less confused and it also shows you are committed to your feelings and needs , that possibly defines you more as TG and not just a casual CDer .

I will add the bigger the net is the easier it becomes as no one is hiding a secret , so people can exert less harm .

Star,
I can only tell it as it is from my own perspective , if it helps others that's great but also consider some of us didn't have a choice and also consider how hard it has been but after going through the tough times it's proved the right thing to do for both my ex-wife and me .

Krisi,
I never understand the comment ," Only tell the people that need to know " , if you are OUT then you are OUT it's almost impossible to be selective and very damaging trying .

[Joyce Swindell]

All good input. My situation is similar to yours in that my wife is very supportive. We live across the street from her parents and my sister. It would be SO much easier if we told then about me. Then going out whenever I wanted would be awesome! Sometimes I feel it would be best to share this but haven't made that decision based solely on wanting to go out in fem during the day.

Often stated and agreed with (mostly), "You have no control over their reaction, that's on them". So I would have to be ok with, as well as my wife, with whatever reaction they have. That can be a very wide spectrum of reaction. So....you must be ok with whatever it brings and go for it.

That's where I'm at, working through it.

[Stephanie47]

Effect on your family is the worst thing in my opinion. I would have hated to have anything happen to my wife and kids because of something I was doing.

To me this the worst thing that may happen. I am a retiree. My wife is not supportive. Therefore, some of the consequences on the list do not apply anymore; job loss, kids bullied, that sort. There seems to be a stigma attached to cross dressing that can effect a wife; loss of friends, loss of social standing, shunned at church. Nobody invites or accepts your invitation to a BBQ in the summer.

Personally, I always wonder what the motivation is for a man wanting to reveal his cross dressing. Sometimes I feel this urge comes from a sense of non-acceptance of self. "If everyone accepts me, then all must be alright with me!" I never had the urge to scream from the roof tops that I am a cross dresser. As a child of the 1950's and 1960's I saw how society treated gays and lesbians. Cross dressing men were thrown into the gay category. Life still in not all peaches and cream. Just read the newspapers and watch television news reporting. Even if someone is not opposed to your cross dressing there is almost a "guilt by association" involved. It can rub off on your wife; "What's wrong with her? She's married to a cross dresser! Why doesn't she dump him?"

If anyone has a dying need to "come out to the world" perhaps it is wise to enlarge your circle of acquaintances and friends by joining a support group of like minded individuals.

If I may ask, are you intending to get all dolled up in a dress and heels, wig and makeup and present that way at Thanksgiving dinner. If not, why broadcast this personal information?

[Aunt Kelly]

For the cross-dresser, there are many cons, and very few pros to coming out publicly. Only you can do an honest and thorough cost-benefit analysis. Start with asking yourself why you want to come out at all. What would drive someone who does not identify as female, to announce to the world that they like to wear women's clothing from time to time? That's not rhetorical - it is a serious question that you should ask, and answer, for yourself.

[Krisi]

................ I think one needs to consider the members status when accepting advice on here. There is a blurring of the lines where full timers are offering blanket advice that is not always applicable to the average crossdresser.

I think that's a very important distinction. We are each in our own unique situations and it's best to keep in mind that even well meaning advice from someone else may not be the best advice for you.

- - - Updated - - -


.................. Krisi,
I never understand the comment ," Only tell the people that need to know " , if you are OUT then you are OUT it's almost impossible to be selective and very damaging trying .

That bit of advice is give as a crossdresser to a crossdresser. "Crossdresser" in this case being someone who is not living as a woman or out to the world and wants to remain that way for whatever reason. Not someone who is already "out" to the world as you seem to be.

In my case, since I share a home with my wife, she obviously needs to know. My neighbor does not need to know, my mechanic does not need to know and my letter carrier does not need to know. My friends and other family members do not need to know.

[docrobbysherry]

I did not want my school age kids to know about Sherry for two reasons:

I'm NOT out and they would have been burdened with keeping my secret. And, may have been hassled by other kids if they knew!:doh:

When they were grown I told them. Now, I don't want my school age grand kids to know for the same reasons!:thumbsdn:

[Maria_mtf]

Thanks. I think the fact my wife is supportive and has talked about me being out fully is positive, without her blessing I would not do so.

I still can't get my head around why coming as CD is seen as such a big deal, could it not simply be all our fear combined on here is making it a bigger problem than it really is? Reading the comments thus far there doesnt seem to be many negative stories, the odd friend lost but that seems to be the worst.

The kids thing is a real possibilty, but just look at F1nn5ter, I think kids are much more open to it. I have heard kids talking in the park and saying things like "how dare you presume my gender" in a joking way. Even though it was probably said in a joking/mocking way there is no doubt there is more visibility around gender identity etc these days.

I dont ever plan to dress up and rub in my friends/families faces, maybe I would like to try add a few femme items to my daily wardrobe, even just womens jeans, but I wont know till I try. I do want to go out dressed, but again I dont know why.

I do appreciate everyones feedback but I dont understand why there is so much fear around this subject. Dont get my wrong I feel sick with fear talking to anyone in person about it. However as I said is there really anything wrong with dressing how you please.

As a few have said I will try to think about the reason why I want to come out.

[Geena75]

Many times I have wished that I had a local CD friend with whom I could talk freely about things. An accepting friend or family member would be similar, allowing some freedom, but really not the same. That would be the main benefit of 'coming out' in my opinion, freedom to talk w/o secrets.

[Maria_mtf]

Forgot to say I am not telling anyone today, nor am I planning on telling the world. Really I want to tell my kids more than anything, my eldest is 4 and I ask him about from clothes time to time, hes just got to the place where he somehow knows boys dont wear dresses, even though I tell him thats not true and anyone can wear what they want. Do I want validation from him? 100%

I very aware of the pink fog, hence I mentioned it in my first post, I won't do anything rash. It takes me a month to research buying a new tv, this is all part of the decision making process for me.

[DianeT]

You don't owe full transparency to friends and relations. If you want to reveal your crossdressing, why would you stop there and not reveal any other guilty pleasure or intimate thing? It's simply not their business, it doesn't concern them, and may be TMI for some, so why bother. As for me, since I only dress for myself and privately, and don't have kids, I felt no need to tell anyone but my wife. I don't need validation or understanding or sharing it or discussing it with anyone. It's just my thing, just for me.
Of course if you go out then it's an entirely different matter.
The only reason I'd like to come out to selected close friends or family would be for my wife to be able to open up to them. She's carrying a heavy weight since I came out to her and it would probably help her to be able to share.

[alwayshave]

Maria, there are people in my life who I would not care them knowing and people I definitely don't want to know. Problem is, once one person knows, everyone knows. So I keep it to myself.

[Teresa]

Maria,
If you really feel the need to come out you will have to lose the guilt you appear to feel at the moment . I admit I felt I was rubbing people's faces in it but that was what my wife thought not me . Naturally there are negatives but most are fears in our heads and not all reality .

Acceptance from a 4 year old maybe pushing things a little , my 7 year old granddaughter is OK with it but sometimes when I have to see my grandsons as grandpa she asks why I'm not wearing my wig , so perhaps think twice about children being your criteria .

When it's safe to do so it might be a better idea to test the water by finding a social group , you can assess how comfortable you feel meeting others but in a safe environment , you may even find that will satisfy your needs . The desire to come out is possibly to validate your feelings and needs which is perfectly understandable .

Diane,
I do feel using the term " guilty pleasure " doesn't help if Maria does have GD , we shouldn't be made to feel guilty over something that's part of us and have little control over until we find a balance , being buried in the closet is like purgatory to some people .

[SaraLin]

Recently my wife told her best friend about me (with my blessing), who just happens to be my best friends wife. She was super supportive and said my best wont be bothered. So I am on the fence to tell him.

I'm pretty sure he already knows. His wife almost certainly went home and told him.


The question I have to ask is "why do you feel that you need to tell anyone?"
If there is a chance of being "caught", or if you want to be free to dress around those people, then yes, you should probably let them know. Otherwise, why bother?

Do you go around telling people what side of the bed you sleep on or if you brush your top or bottom teeth first?
Of course not. There is no reason to do so. It's simply nothing they need to know and unless the topic comes up in discussion, you'd never even think to mention it.

So why, I ask, do you feel the need to tell anyone "Hey guess what - I like to wear (fill in the blank)?"

Now, if the subject DOES come up - then it's time time to decide if (or how much) you want that person to know.
And remember the saying "Three people can keep a secret - if two of them are dead".

Personally? I don't feel the need to keep what I do a deep dark secret, but for the sake of family peace I don't show it to the world. If someone finds out, so be it.


For your list, add:
"possible loss of job" and future emplyoment opportunities"
and
"risk of violence from others"

[Julie MA]

As we accept ourselves we want other to as well. The issues are many: we have had years and years to reach acceptance, it's not instantaneous for anyone; will I be losing Dad/husband/friend?; bullying; CD/Trans is still outside the majority.

Julie

[Star01]

After reading through the responses all I can think is that I am glad that I am not obsessed with coming out as a CD. The time it would take to get all dolled up to run to the auto parts store and feed milk would be a pain in the neck.

[josie_S]

firstly, lol @ star's reply. because I would *want* to be all dolled up even if only to go get my tires rotated and then get milk at the grocery store...I'd never get any errands done bc I'd spend too much time getting dolled up hahaha

me personally i don't have children and I'm already mostly estranged from my family for unrelated reasons, so to me the consequences would most likely be professional and social, which could be very hurtful, and so I am not coming out any time soon and do my cd business out of town if not at home.

[Vale]

Another thing to remember here is that people change over time. Someone you feel sure will keep your secret may change. A classic example was my first wife. During our Marriage she was supportive and very secret. When she decided to divorce me she did a full 180 turn and told all of our family and friends. Back then (30 years ago) it was a bigger problem for me than today. Sometimes you have to accept some risk but it makes sense to minimize your exposure. Be smart.

Vale

[Maria_mtf]

Hi Sara, I completely get your point, . One thing you said made me think:

"Personally? I don't feel the need to keep what I do a deep dark secret, but for the sake of family peace I don't show it to the world. If someone finds out, so be it."

Rather than thinking about reasons to come out I am more thinking about why do I need to keep this a secret. Today my mentality is to hide it at all costs and I am starting to question why I am doing this. As I said in another post I have different email accounts for anything femme related. Youtube videos on how to do makeup I wouldnt dare have on my main profile. I pretty much feel I am ashamed of this side of me, and as long as I keep both parts of me completely isolated from one another I cant see that changing.

If I was asked a direct question about crossdressing I would probably outright lie about it.

Made me think, thank you

[DianeT]

Diane,
I do feel using the term " guilty pleasure " doesn't help if Maria does have GD , we shouldn't be made to feel guilty over something that's part of us and have little control over until we find a balance , being buried in the closet is like purgatory to some people .
Teresa, nobody is making anybody guilty. My definition of guilty pleasure is the following : https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilty_pleasure. Which if you ask me is a very good definition of crossdressing. Something you enjoy and that is not highly regarded (well that's even an understatement..,). Guilty pleasure can also be an addiction to chocolate.
Also, this section of the board is titled "Something crossdressers", I am a crossdresser and I answered to Maria as a crossdresser. You are a TG (I think), and answer as a TG with your own sensitivity. Allow me to do the same. At least now Maria has both sides of the coin.
And for the record, I said enough in these forums that I absolutely never felt once guilty in my life for the dressing and that neither anyone should. Just rehashing this here in case Maria doesn't know me well and gets doubts with your post.
Sorry for the sidetracking.

[Maria_mtf]

Hi Diane,

Your first comment hit the nail on the head as to why anyone other than my wife now knows. She wanted someone to talk to and I wanted her to have support from her best friend. My best friend, her hubby now knows, his wife told him as I said it was fine too. He is very cool about it, my wife and I have awesome friends.

Honestly, I like the quite like the validation and acceptance, and the fact I can be honest with them about anything is wonderful.

[Teresa]

Diane,
Lets not forget the title of this forum " Crossdressers.com not "TGs .com ", I really don't see the sections need to be segregated , thankyou for saying I'm TG but I still faced the heatache and wories of coming out as many other people do when they have gender issues .

Of course I do have guilty pleasures but I do tend to keep those to myself .

Star,
You either have that need to be satisfied or you don't but it certainly doesn't take me hours before I step out the door , tomorrow for instance I will again walk with other dog walkers and then I have an appointment to donate blood .

[mylilsecret8]

[QUOTE=Maria_mtf;4507719]I think I am in the middle of a "coming out pink fog", that is I want to come out to more people but I don?t really know why.

This is exactly how I've felt lately. I've gone out dressed "anonymously" to stores, walking trails, yoga studios, etc. but never where someone knew me and my full name. Today I went dressed to Dentist appointment. I was nervous but it felt exhilarating to give my real name when I checked in while dressed femme and talk about dressing pretty with my hygienist of five years. No one at the dentist office knows any of my family or close friends but it still felt so refreshing to come out to them.

Wishing you good luck with whatever path you choose to take in your heels! :)

[Beverley Sims]

Do you really need to come out any more than you have?

[*ROXY*]

From my viewpoint, My wife, children (all under 11) and my mother and sister know. There was a good chance of them seeing me, or popping round unannounced and rather that worry constantly that I'd got all the makeup off or left a large pair of heels lying around I decided to let them in.
My kids are fine with it - they don't mind daddy in a dress. I've told them not to tell their friends but ultimately it's their decision. I've explained although there is nothing wrong with it, not everyone is as understanding as we are and it may lead to bullying.
I've pushed boundaries as far as I can, nails painted, women's jeans and coat, worn knee high boots twice at night.
I'm not about to waltz down the street in a mini dress but if it was just me I probably would. My wife is fine with it, I think like all partners they'd probably prefer it didn't happen but she's no issue with me dressing in the house whenever I like as I don't change, just my clothing.
I've though about telling my friends but I've only got a couple of non-cd/trans friends that I keep in regular contact with and I don't see the need.
All we can do is bring up our own kids to be accepting and tolerant of differences in others, be that race, clothes choices, gender or sexuality (when it's time to explain that to them all). Hope it all goes OK x