If asked outright, would you lie to your family?

[CharlotteCD]

I ask this having seen a few posts about being asked, and still lying.

As mentioned I have been put in this position twice in the past 18 months, and both times I have answered every question truthfully. The first time I clearly didn't say enough, as my wife seemed to think it was a phase I was going through, and that it's not really a constant part of me. The second time I was sure to clear that up.

I think there are four categories here:

1) She asked, I lied, she found out later anyway.

2) She asked, I was honest about it.

3) She hasn't asked, but I would lie.

4) She hasn't asked, and I would be honest.



Which category are you?

[bridget thronton]

I told her and my adult children

[Karren H]

5). Or 2A). She did not ask but found out by accident and I was honest and told her when she did asked.

BUT in her mind because I didn?t tell her and hid it, I lied to her.. she still feels that way after 15 years.

[CynthiaD]

6) I initiated the conversation.

[Krisi]

My wife knows and tolerates my little "hobby".

As for others, I would admit to it only if caught.

[GretchenM]

Interesting question, Charlotte, and an important one. For me, it would depend on who is asking. If they are not very compassionate I would probably lie because of a risk they would go south and be critical and maybe think I had lost my marbles. But others who are more sensitive to diversity and more accepting I would likely tell the truth. In my extended family there are some that I would not tell anything personal, especially about something as non-tradiitional as gender variance, but others I have told and received a lot of understanding. To me the important things is not ask them to keep it a secret. That puts a burden on them. If they are really supportive then they will likely be considerate about who else they tell. It is the other ones you need to watch out for.

All that said, sometimes in family get togethers I am teased about my "feminine inclinations." Sure doesn't feel good. They think it is cute; to me it is prejudicial and discriminatory and cruel. No matter how much they think they understand they really don't and perhaps can't fully - they are cisgender.

[MonicaPVD]

If my wife confronted me with this, I would be truthful about dressing and offer no additional information. Anyone else? I would deny it to the death unless they had irrefutable proof.

[Kirsty2907]

I?m surprised any of you ladies ever have the time to dress..
Always on this bloomin website 😂
It?s overuse of internet counselling that?s needed 🤣

Think I?d only be honest if they really suspected or were caught and I was trying to explain it

[jacques]

hello Charlotte,
I don't lie, but I don't always volunteer the information
luv J

- - - Updated - - -


I?m surprised any of you ladies ever have the time to dress..
Always on this bloomin website ��


Where else would we go during Covid Lockdown?
Get dressed and head to Crossdressers.com !
stay healthy!
luv J

[Star01]

I approach it as a used car salesman would. I tell the truth when cornered but do not volunteer any information that I am not specifically asked.

When women corner their crossdressing partner and demand that they never want to see us dressed or know that we are dressing are they encouraging us to be truthful or stealth?

[Teresa]

Chalotte,
It's very sad we are forced into this situation but sadly at time inevitable . I have asked this question in context of filling in the 2021 UK census form so there's a possibility the lying could extend outside the family .

Setting aside your list I found even after I separated the lying didn't end , the problem was other people had been placed in this situation . The first meeting with my daughter forced her into not telling my wife my sister in law met me for coffee again choosing not to reveal it to my wife inititally .

Also referring to a thread asking if it's genetic , which I belive it is , we shouldn't have to lie about something inherent in us , we can't change what we are so lying about it can be metally quite destructive .

Personally I'm not convinced DADT really works , at most it's a short term compromise until the truth can be dealt with .

One final point which I know has upset members in the past but our wives/partners aren't innocent in this situation my wife chose not to tell me things before we married .

I don't like being placed in any category to avoid lying but I'm afraid it's part of the human makeup , at times we have to accept self preservation and consider the pros and cons of retaining some of the truth for the welfare of others .

[docrobbysherry]

No, I didn't. That's how my ex and daughters found out!:straightface:

[Bea_]

I was a late bloomer, my mid-fifties, I initiated the conversation fairly early and she's been aware of the progression all along. She has been shopping with me for the great majority of my purchases, even choosing items I might like as she browses.

My feeling is that approval that dependent upon ignorance or lack of proof, isn't approval. I personally WANT my wife to have a chance to disapprove. It makes the approval much sweeter if it's voluntary.

So far, my wife is the only one who knows. I have reason to believe that my adult daughter might have suspicions, but hasn't asked any questions. If she asked, I'd answer her truthfully but judiciously. In many ways, I'd appreciate the conversation. But, I don't want to do anything that would complicate my relationship with my grandsons.

[Stephanie47]

The closest answer would be 2) she asked, I was honest about it.

There's the flip side to this question which I believe may have already asked of the GG's who are on this site. Basically, when she had "The Talk" with you did she say "If I had known I would have walked away from you."? The lying by omission always crops up in these discussions.

If the question were to be asked by son or daughter I'd ask "Why do you want to know if I am or not?" It's really none of their business.

[Jacke]

I am curious about why it would come up at all. If there has been nothing left out to find or if not caught outright. Gretchen mentioned feminine inclinations. What qualifies as feminine inclinations? I am asking in order to know what not to do to cause the questions.

[Natalie5004]

Only my wife knows. Yes, I told her more info before she asked. Now she tells me I have bad taste in womens clothes for me. I asked for her help, Forget it. was the reply.
So, never lie. Always be truthful. In the long run that is the best advice. Wife will or should certainly figure it out at some point. Kids, who knows, Don't ask me.

[DianeT]

Hi Charlotte, since you're in DADT and therefore your wife knows about your crossdressing, even if she doesn't necessarily know when you do dress and how, it is unclear to me what you are asking:
- Wife doesn't know and asks if you are a crossdresser? (obviously doesn't apply to you)
- Or wife knows, comes back from a trip/errand/evening/whatever and asks if you dressed while she was away?

Since I came out to my wife I am only faced with the second. But since I always tell her if I intend to dress when she's out for enough time to have a session, she doesn't have to ask, she already knows. However she may have a question or two about my session and I will simply answer them honestly. This said, the case presents itself very rarely. I mostly dress during a full afternoon, splitting the flat in two, and these sessions are planned months in advance. This middle ground we found helps reduce her stress about it.

[donnalee]

I was honest when asked. Her only concern was that I be safe.

[candykowal]

....I think there are four categories here:
1) She asked, I lied, she found out later anyway.
2) She asked, I was honest about it.
3) She hasn't asked, but I would lie.
4) She hasn't asked, and I would be honest.

Which category are you?
I think I would lie to my brothers and sister in laws, cousins etc.
My wife is.....
#4 I know she knows some things I do are of a feminine nature. She has even said, "Some things you do, I do not want to know."
Clearly she is not stupid, is accepting and tolerant of what I current do to feel pampered, silky, and luxurious while presenting as her husband.
Cheating my presentation by underdressing, epulating and moisturizing, growing my nails and hair long, curbs the drive to totally be feminine all the time.
I also have a wife who is independent enough to go off on her own for a weekend, allowing me a few bachelorette weekends.

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
After reading other replies trying to live with the situation in a marriage not an easy one . We chose not to tell the wife or anyone and live with the stress of being caught out . So we take the decision to come clean and reveal your CDing/TG needs , which either goes badly and that's possibly the end of the marriage or we enter a series of compromises depending how much we've revealed . I found it then puts the wife/partner in a situation where they feel they need to give you time to dress but the problem was my wife became more conerned about setting foot inside her own front door .

I'm sure like most we find our needs evolve , we want more , I now see that as trying to find myself , obviously it depends how severe your GD is . Often entering counselling makes matters worse , I'm sure my wife like many others hoped it would mean a cure but the opposite happens . I didn't have to lie about my counselling because she just didn't want to talk about it , the situation gradually got worse as I was then going out socially so she then had a fresh problem of not wanting neighbours to see and if they did she would then have to make up some sort of story or basically lie to them .

After 45 years of marriage and now a divorce I can now finally tell the truth !

[Janet Devon]

I have been married twice. I volunteered both times before being asked. The first wife I told after many many years of marriage. I was unhappy in my marriage for many years. If things went well, maybe we could go forward. If thigs went badly, I had nothing to lose. It went no where. She just said, well go back in the closet.
After a couple more years, I decided to leave her for other reasons.

My second marriage, I spoke up early, but after we were married. I don't think I was right to hold it from her but honestly hoped that in a happy marriage, I might have changed my feelings/ needs. I was wrong. I had perged everything so I was starting from scratch. She was taken back but also supportive.

Today, we have been married 13 years in a great relationship. I try to keep my dressing in the house. Unless I am out of town on business. In the house, I underdress a lot. I openly dress in the morning before work. A few days per month I get fully dressed with every from the top of my head to my shoes. She doesn't help much in the dressing but will spend time.

As for others, my son came over once and was to fast for me to totally escape but I did not come out of the bedroom so he left.

My granddaughter was looking in my drawers and saw something and said you are a Mrs. Doubtfire aren't you.? I said no and left it at that. She was pretty young but not stupid.

I would not offer much to others so, lie or withhold I guess.

[Judy-Somthing]

Three years ago after my last child moved out the Pink Fog came back.
Thats when I joined this site. I started to accept who I am and felt better about myself.

So I told my wife, Well things did not go well.

I ended up purging 90% of my stuff which included over 100 dresses.
I lied and said I had a couple of dresses and threw them out.

Now three years later I'll most likely lie if she asks if I'm still dressing.

I'm thinking I'll quit dress soon because it's getting harder to look fem as I age.

[VS Fan]

Told my wife ... have hid it from the kids for 12 years ... with a 20 year old and a 17 year old at this point I would love it if they knew so I wouldn’t have to hide painted toes etc but I doubt I would dress in front of them. As for parents, siblings, aunts, uncles etc - no way - I would deny it unless they caught me dressed.... and then I would just say - don’t like it? Too bad, cut me out of your life if you can’t deal with it or insist on teasing me etc.

[jenabrooks]

If someone asked if you are a crossdresser, there is something that?s giving them a reason to ask if you say no they know you are laying. They get smart with you hit them with your purse.

[TheHiddenMe]

My wife of almost 29 years has known of my interest since almost when we first met in 1985 (she put makeup on me a couple of times and I put on her clothes another time within a month of our meeting). In 2000 I became a lot more open about wanting to dress. My girl clothes hang in our walk-in closet.

She has also told me "lie to me". She doesn't want to know about my dressing. So I often sneak out dressed with a cover story that I'm doing something else (I've gotten good about changing in the car or other places). However, I do have times I specifically tell her I'm going out (for example, to our Gender Foundation monthly dinners), because I want to/need to make the point I don't really need her permission to dress, and my dressing is the "price of admission" (thanks Dan Savage) for being married to me, and all of the positive qualities I bring to our marriage.

I have two adult sons (in their 20's). I haven't told them, but as both live with us, at least part time, they might know or suspect (why are there dresses/clothes in mom and dad's closet that mom never wears, and why does dad have panties sometimes on the clothes drying rack?).

If they asked if I was a crossdresser, I would answer truthfully. I think they would be tolerant, I I'm not going to lie to my sons.

Other family (a sister and a brother)? Not likely they would ask, but I'd answer truthfully.

[Jenn A116]

My response is #5 - She didn't ask, I told her. Did that once I realized just how serious this relationship had become and that it was likely that the next step was getting married. I told her a couple of months before proposing. She say yes!

[Rogina B]

I am confused...Are you people answering about crossdressing [a unique harmless hobby] or about having a transgender mindset ? It is a huge difference !

[Geena75]

She hasn't asked, but I would be truthful. However, I have developed the atrocious habit of "truthful as far as it goes." I would tell her anything she wants to know, but I wouldn't bare my soul to her and tell every detail. I have rarely, if ever, told her an outright lie; but I have not always told everything I could have.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

I was bothered by the lying I ended up doing as my need to come out of the closet grew..somehow the lying by omission didn't bother me as much as lying to do things that I couldn't do without cover stories.

Then I heard that the "deceit" was worse than what I was hiding, but then for a while it turned out that wasn't really true.

[Crissy 107]

My thought is that if they ask they already know the answer so why lie. Everyone is in a different situation and has different reasons for what they do, so to each their own.
I did not tell my wife before we were married, I really believed I could stop forever, I guess we know how that worked out.

[SaraLin]

You could add 1.5 "she asked. I lied. As far as I know, she still doesn't know" I suspect there are a few folks that would pick that one.

As for me, I told her up front (while were in the early dating phase). She decided to keep me anyway - with some ground rules that I agreed to.

The REAL friends, my sister, my mom (while she was still alive), and various others know, though only a few have actually seen me in all my finery (see wife's ground rules...)

If asked outright, I'm past denial - but I'm not shouting it from the rooftops either.

[Devi SM]

4 for me.

I'd like to add...

She never ask or find anything so technically, for me, to hide it for years wasn't be honest with the person I love more in the world so it was cheating or lying so finally I told her.

Results?

We still happily married living together but now I'm the honest person in the world (Trump always says that...lol) I have nothing to hide , I'm a transexual legally living as a woman working now to meet the surgeon for GRS.

[Teresa]

Rogina,
Not so much for a wife /partner it isn't as they don't know where the road ends .

[BrendaPDX]

She hasn't asked, and I would be honest.

[Territx]

I brought the subject up twice and received decidedly less than positive responses each time. So, there was no real "discussion" and I have lived with that for many years because I love her more than dressing. Also, I have always said I would give it up if I could not present the image I want! So, like Judy, I will most likely give it up and retreat from this aspect of my life before ever being asked and if I am asked in the (relatively) short time I will continue forward, I would say the default would be to deny BUT it would depend upon the circumstances and the "temperature of the room".

As to anyone else, I would probably deny it as I have some very religiously conservative relatives would would likely disown or try to "save" me. The world may have changed for some of you - but, as to this topic, my world still looks pretty "flat".

[alwayshave]

I told her before we moved in together. So 5.

[Teresa]

Rogina,
My point is the wife /partner doesn't know that , what are the first questions they ask , are you gay and/or do you want to be a woman , at that stage they don't really differentiate between labels .

[Gilly68]

I live alone, only my Dad and brother and his family to worry about.

But I'm not sure....

It would be somewhere between 3 and 4 I feel, if any of them ever did ask.

Logically, I think I would / should deny it, but, I can't help thinking, if I was straight out asked, The relief at being able to talk about would mean I would just confess and admit to it. Being able to talk about it to my family would be pretty terrifying, but pretty freeing too.

[Angela Marie]

I told my wife, 2nd iteration, on our third or fourth date. She has been supportive and went out with me a few times in the beginning but thats not really her thing. As for my children, no I would not volunteer. But if asked I think I would have to be honest.

[Karen RHT]

She didn't have to ask, I told her before we married. She doesn't want to discuss.


Karen

[Kelli_cd]

If asked, I'll answer honestly. From there, the extent of revelation would depend on the reactions/ responses coming back to me.

[Star01]

My wife knows but does not want to see or know that I am dressing. If she asks that means that she would have violated the conditions that she established. At that point would I be obligated to tell her or would her breaking the agreement invalidate my obligation to uphold my end?

[Meghan4now]

I'm thinking I'll quit dress soon because it's getting harder to look fem as I age.

Now THAT'S a lie!

Lying is a tough one. There is the telling of a falsehood, leaving out information, and soft soaping the answer. My wife went on a tirade one day, asking several questions. But they weren't really questions, they were arrows.

When this happens, it's easy to become defensive and not answer in the most forthright manner

"Do you plan to go to work like that?". Ah the answer is "No". Technically, it's no because there is no plan. If the question was "Do you Want to....", The answer could be yes, or maybe, or I think about it sometimes. But because the question doesn't seem like a question, any elaboration is shot down.

Is that a lie? To some degree yes.

[sometimes_miss]

She asked, I was honest about it, and she divorced me and blackmailed me for all our assets, as well as take on all our collective debt. She threatened to tell everyone about me, and pass out pics of me dressed up, to my friends, work and family to prove it. When I tried to head her off by pre-emptively telling my mother and sister, and got absolutely terrible responses, I just gave her everything that she wanted, and hoped she would keep her end of the deal. AFAIK, she did. I wound up deep in debt, with virtually nothing to my name other than an old car. Took eight years to get out of debt.

I don't think I'll ever tell the truth about it, again.

[April Rose]

I told my wife before we married and my son before he asked, but it turned out he already knew. I have had a lifetime habit of being discrete, though I have told a few friends that I thought could handle it. None of them has ever brought it up, unless I did.

If a neighbor asked I would tell them.

During the Proposition 3 election I had a transgender rights sign on my lawn for months, so I think that if they were going to, they would have by now.

[JenniferMBlack]

Or she didn't ask and didn't find out I just told. Well thay is pretty much everyone for me any ways. I have not come out as transgender to some yet but I'm working on that. So to answer the question I wouldn't lie. I'm terrible at hiding and just say what I am.

[Teri Ray]

I am a two timer #2. First time she found my pictures on our computer so there was no lying about it. This time ended in DADT for many years. Later my wife confronted me again because she know I dressed when she was away but had no clue what I did and why I wanted to dress. The second big talk resulted in more honest answers (least as honest as I could be be, but why I had this desire was an answer I did not have). Since the second talk and being more open and honest, showing her this site and continuing to be open and have talks things between my wife and I are so much better. I wish I we had the second talk the first time. Live and learn. The end result is I feel so very very lucky to have my wife be as accepting as she is.

[BLUE ORCHID]

My:love:Tolerates it and we have a very workable DA/DT,
She knows about everything, Bud don't want to see me while dressed.

>>>>>>>>>>>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Jane G]

My CD is DADT, however every one I care about knows who I am. It is quite a sad reflection on my upbringing that my female cousins, aunties and others, knew of my dressing long before my wife ever did. It's good that society is clearly different now. Still a long way to go though.

[Natalie5004]

My wife knows about my clothes and dressing. Not thrilled about it. She has tried on a pair of my shoes to see if they fit. Too big.
So, DO I lie? Yes.

Why? She worries about me and the community. She asked if I leave the house? No, that was a lie. Today I went to the store then drove to picked up my laundry at the dry cleaners. Women's dresses, mine.

I found a old stash of her purses in a closet so I can use any of those when out.

She has not found my wigs yet. I am sure she does not want to see that.

I hate the lying but I am protecting her.

Natalie

[beccadeath]

I am a two timer #2. First time she found my pictures on our computer so there was no lying about it. This time ended in DADT for many years. Later my wife confronted me again because she know I dressed when she was away but had no clue what I did and why I wanted to dress. The second big talk resulted in more honest answers (least as honest as I could be be, but why I had this desire was an answer I did not have). Since the second talk and being more open and honest, showing her this site and continuing to be open and have talks things between my wife and I are so much better. I wish I we had the second talk the first time. Live and learn. The end result is I feel so very very lucky to have my wife be as accepting as she is.

This is very similar to my story (minus the whole her knowing about this community), I think it's much more liberating to just be able to share that side of me with her even if she doesn't "get it"...the fact that she accepts it and doesn't care and still loves me? That means everything.

Now, do I want my kid knowing about it? Eh...no. If it came up I'd probably lie unless he encountered me around the house femmed out which...unless it was after his bedtime and in our bedroom...or he comes home unexpectedly, I don't foresee that happening.

Extended family? My parents? My sister? ...****, I don't know. Dad would surely disown me...mom and sister would just be an awkward conversation and probably not proceed much further (hopefully). I figure it took me nearly 20 years to come FULLY out to my wife, so like...not really in a hurry to have those conversations.

Knowing my family though, if it were to come out I'd probably pack the family up and move to Canada or something...which has always low-key been my "escape plan"

[JuliaGirl]

I have kept this part of me secret from the age of 12/13 until now, so 45 years. Married 28 years.

A few decades ago I would have said (3) ... still stigma around it, made the mistake of not telling during our dating days, and had young kids. Did not want to mess up.

A decade ago I might have said (3.5) .. not really sure what I would have done.

Now? (4). I still think I've done something unforgiveable not being open to this point, but that's such a heavy long weight to bear, that I'd be honest now. Fully. She will have a very hard time fully accepting, and I don't need to be belittled in any way for my need. Still fearful but I'd go for it now.

That said, being in lockdown and not having *any* chance to dress for more than a year has been frustrating but oddly manageable. Except those days when the fog rolls into my head.

[XemmaX]

Im a number two and i was also open to people i was dating about it especially if i thought it would develop. For me keeping secrets damaged me alot and i heard some stories about people jeeping it to themselves because of childhood trauma of parents catching them and reacting badly. But coming out even late down the line is better for your mental health allbeit risky, being out reduces alot if negative things in the ling run Its sad to hear so many people still feeling like they have no option but to keep it secret, i understand though and everyone has their reasons.