Telling your children

[Mila]

I have two children my son is 10 and my daughter is 5. I do wonder what I'd say to my son in particular if he found out. Can anyone share any stories of their experience with this. I know my wife would try to help but even she isn't sure what she'd say.
Does kind of worry me a bit.

[Kirsty2907]

Mila

I know the question is what you?d say...
But I?d say best thing to do is not find yourself in that position in the first place and that requires ninja like approach to it

Kids quite young are easier to explain away something and they?d believe it, so maybe get a reason to the ready..

But basically it?s down to you to be responsible and not get caught

As and when they get to say 18, that?s a whole new ball game. For me I have 2 girls 11 and 8. If they ever found out like say when I was out the house and they rummaged, I?d try to explain my feelings and hope they would be supportive, but till then ninja it is

[bridget thronton]

My adult children know and one of my 4 year old granddaughters has seen me dressed several times - no problems so far and I will not ask any of them to keep a secret

[char GG]

If you want your CD life private, don't tell your children. If young children happen to find out, it's not reasonable to ask or expect them to be burdened with keeping a secret. Expect that anyone they know will find out.

My neighbor had 5 year old twin girls, they would tell us that their dad used to be their mom.

[Mila]

I'll admit it's not something I'd like them to know particularly at such a young age. I will be using all of my ninja skills to avoid the situation.
I have always made a point of explaining to my son there are lots of different people within the world including sexuality and forms of expression. When the time is right in the future I guess.

[Teresa]

Mila,
There is never a right time to tell children because you can never say how it will go .

My own thoughts are children need parental guidance and look to you and your wife , we never know how happy or upset some children are , my daughter was bullied at school but it took sometime to discover this . Is it fair to put an adult situation onto the shoulders of a child , is it fair to expect them to keep it a secret ? I'm glad I saw my children through their school years and onto university , the support needed was important until they reached adulthood .

I slipped up with my daughter because she caught me ironing a dress that she knew didn't belong to my wife so I told her the whole story and she has supported me eversince . My son didn't discover the situation until I discussed separating from my wife , as an adult he dealt with but it might have been totally different if he was a child . Now he has dropped in to have a coffee with me , he made me smile as he took one look in my hallway and asked , " Have you made a special effort for me ?" I told him I hadn't and this was my normal appearance .

You have to consider why you need to tell them , some might say it's being selfish others will say children can deal with it , as I said at the start you can never know the outcome . What might happen if they tell their friends , how will they react , will your wife be able to take all that onboard and is it fair to her ?

My wife said on one occasion , " It's not all about you !" Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our gender issues we become blind to other people's needs .

[Rogina B]

We live as 3 girls under the same roof and my daughter,now 19,started going everywhere with me since age 5. She is happy having a transgender parent. In your case,I feel strongly that you and your wife need to be on the same page and make your best effort to turn those conversations [gender,sexuality,race,etc] into thoughtful teaching moments. I grew up with a supportive mother that knew enough to not include my father in "our thing". "Boys can do what girls can do and girls can do what boys can do" was what she shared with others about gender when it came up. Acceptance with children has to be created over time. If your feminine expression is important to you,then you will work toward the future as your kids age.

[April Rose]

I know from experience that after the fact is not the time to be deciding what to do about this issue. Creating an atmosphere of open mindedness and acceptance of difference in your home NOW will go a long way toward mitigating any problems if the kids' curiosity or your carelessness should lead to more revelations than you were planning on. If the kids have been taught before hand that it is a good thing that people express themselves in a multitude of different ways it won't be a big deal to them when they find out that dad is one of those people.

I worked up the courage to come out to my son when he was 22. He told me he had known since he was 14. A rebellious skate punk, he had been convinced that since my wife and I had been "hippie types" we must have pot in the house, and he tore the place up trying to find it. He didn't find it; we hadn't smoked it in years. Guess what he did find.

But it was a non issue for him; his generation is way more enlightened about this stuff than ours is. He actually had transgender friends. He did tweak me about, "don't you ever throw anything away?" The journals he found were from when I was 22.

An additional note of caution to parents: If you raise your children to be independent minded and creative, they may grow up to BE independent minded and creative. You are not necessarily going to enjoy the experience.

I love my son dearly. He has been a great comfort to me since the loss of my wife. But I haven't won an argument with him in 15 years.

[Star01]

My son is a 50 year old Wisconsin that hangs around the garage and bars with his buddies. If I ever decide to tell him it wouldn?t end well for me. I see no reason to ever tell anyone.

[KimberC]

My kids are 8 & 10, and I don't think they would understand fully. We're open about people, their preferences, and overall a very open family but I still think they would struggle. Of course I think that my wife would have bigger issues with it and that her view would definitely impact the kids.

[Karren H]

My kids are in their 30s... and have not told them. The wife forbids it and I am not against it either.

[Bobbi46]

One thing that has not been mentioned is the fact that these days LGBT issues are widely know and where children are concerned they surely are aware of what goes on in that they will, at sometime in their school lives have come across gay/lesbian children.
My kids are all grown and when it became a case of having to tell it went great with my daughter who said " I knew there was something there", my son said " holy crap dad" and would not sleep in my house when he visited last. The dust has settled so to speak and the rest of my family and extended family are all ok with it.
So yes it can work and it can backfire as well.
I was lucky

[Helen_Highwater]

One thing perhaps not fully mentioned here is the question of do you want to keep it a secret from the wider world? Kids, especially young one's say the funniest things and in all innocence may say something to a teacher or other adult, a friends parent, that could effectively out you. As others have said, asking them to keep it a secret can be fraught with issues.

[Lux]

This question understandably comes up every so often. Here’s a cut and paste from my previous response to a similar question:

I have told the story of going to a SCC Southern Comfort meeting (back when it was in Atlanta) with my now wife. She surprised me with tickets to the meeting and we had an incredible time dressing up and meeting other CD’s. One evening, we were talking to a group of 5 or 6 lovely ladies when this exact topic came up. Someone in the group posed the question to me and I proudly said “I would absolutely tell my young children as I have nothing to hide and not ashamed of who I am”. At which point someone there gave me great advice and told me “why burden them with something like this when being a child is tough enough.” She went on to say that you should only tell them if you have to dress as a female at home but if you do it privately, why make things more complicated. Sage advice that made me rethink absolutely everything.

This advice was well taken but fast forward to last year when my ex wife demanded I tell my young teenage children that I am a crossdresser. We don’t really get along now and she was never accepting of my female side. Jealous, she was trying to undermine my relationship with my kids using the “you can’t lie to them and have to be honest” argument. I absolutely knew she would tell them if I didn’t so we set up a family meeting with her hopes of trying to embarrass me in front of the kids. I took a breath, 100% owned it and was not ashamed in my explanation. When I was done talking, both kids were stone faced and silent until my son smiled and said “I think it’s cool that you can be both”.... as I watched my ex wife die inside...priceless. My daughter similarly accepted me and is ecstatic that she and I can watch YouTube makeup tutorials together now and is fascinated by female pictures on my phone. Definitely some sort of karma.

[Beverley Sims]

All my children knew was that daddy was a female impersonator.....once.

Rarely saw me dressed so no connection was ever made.

Now they are adults..... I dunno. :-)