What to do in future.

[Jannis]

I am married for 20 yrs. I have been a CDerfor 40 plus. My wife seems somewhat tolerant as she does not mind my wearing panties, stockings, halter under garments and painted toes and nearly shoulder length hair. We have been in this stage for a while, but we do not discuss going any further. I would like to wear skirts and dresses around the house, for example. I feel she would slam on the brakes at that discussion. I am not passable in any way. Should I just be satisfied as it is now, or push the envelope further.

[bridget thronton]

Keep talking to her and tell her what you need - take time to find out what she needs as well

[Helen_Highwater]

Jannis,

Do you have skirts and dresses of your own stashed away somewhere and does your SO know if you do?

If you do but she doesn't know about them that might signal to her that you've been taking your dressing further and that could require further explanation.

If she agrees to you expanding your dressing getting her to help chose new items might make her more comfortable with the situation.

As often said in these situations, you know your SO best and it's ultimately down to your judgement of the situation.

[Teresa]

Jannis,
If you have this need you must decide what is driving it and be honest with yourself before your discuss it with your wife . You need to give her a sensible explanation why you you have this need . Also what your needs will be in the future , just telling her I need or want to do it isn't enough .

I can only say from my experience that it was a gradual process in finding ME .

Perhaps you should also consider if she totally applies the brakes what you will do ? My wife did concede in letting me attend a social group but I'm afraid it still wasn't enough . Once on this road U turns become harder so think hard before pushing the envelope further .

[Sandi Beech]

Jannis,

If I were in your shoes, I think I would start off by casually asking if your dressing has been making her uncomfortable or is she totally ok with what you have done so far.

It might be better to have her open up to you before the other way around. Of course I will never be in that position because my wife will never allow any of if.

Good luck.

Sandi

[alwayshave]

Jannis, I told my wife before we moved in together that I was a CD, that I was not going to change, and if she wanted out, now was the time. So she knew going n. That said, I have not dressed in a year because I have adult children in the house and I don't want them to know. But my wife is accepting, if not encouraging.

[GretchenM]

I agree with Sandi. Make it a joint discussion to explore, a kind of collaboration. If you tell her it is a need she may take it as kind of a demand and that will more likely than not instantly polarize the issue. And it is likely to go downhill from there potentially with not so pleasant results. The point is to keep her engaged in your exploration and fully respect her thoughts and wishes. Sometimes what we think is a need really isn't. Pink fog (dysphoria) can sometimes make us do things that are not fair or even rational and in that emotional state we can tend to ignore the perspective of the ones who love us and is not in the pink fog.

[kristi98]

I am in a similar situation. I told my wife about my cross dressing before we married. I paraded around in high heels and panties in front of her before we married. She is not really into it but also doesn't care so much. Like you I have painted toes and wear panties. I also wear women's short shorts and leggings around the house. I only do heels and skirts when she is not around since it doesn't do anything for her. My advice would be just to try it one day. Wear a skirt and see her response. If she doesn't mind the painted toes and panties I can't imaginine it will cause a huge uproar. Maybe the worst that can happen is that she tells you to lose the skirt.

[Teresa]

I would like to make a point about your appearance even at home . Consider for a moment does your wife/partner go OTT at home , is she so bothered about perfect finger and toe nails , does she wear a skirt and heels ? So she's bound to wonder what you are trying to portray in doing so , sometimes I feel they may consider we are making fun or lampooning them .

Maybe take it back to basics and consider what makes your wife/partner feminine , how little she needs to do to achieve it . Light makeup and a wig even when wearing Tshirts and jeans can give enough of an impression more than that could suggest it's more of a fetish problem .

[Geena75]

Wouldn't a conversation starter like, "Would you mind if I tried wearing a skirt around the house when you're not around?" allow you to address your feelings? It is fairly non-confrontational, and includes her in the equation. It doesn't sound like you really show off feminine clothes around her now, so why push the issue.

[docrobbysherry]

Why ask us? We can only guess.

While u and your wife have all the answers!:thumbsup:

[susanmichelle]

Wouldn't a conversation starter like, "Would you mind if I tried wearing a skirt around the house when you're not around?" allow you to address your feelings? It is fairly non-confrontational, and includes her in the equation. It doesn't sound like you really show off feminine clothes around her now, so why push the issue.

I think that?s a great idea, the most she could really say is I?d prefer you didn?t but then again with her knowing you already underdress she might say it doesn?t matter so long as you do that when she?s not home she?d prefer not to see that aspect of it.

One day at a time and keep the communication honest above all.

[Teresa]

Geena,
I'm not sure how far you would get with that one, the problem being she may not want to see it but she also possibly fears children/family and neighbours seeing you .

The bottom line is they're either OK with your dessing issue or they're not and most usually would prefer it didn't happen at all , we have to accept we do pose them with something of a problem and most don't have anyone to turn to for help .

[Star01]

I must be the exception to the rule. When my wife said that she did not want to see me dressed or know about it she was serious and I got the message. No negotiation, no pushing back, respect her wishes and be happy that she is still around.

Of course that is going to put a choice on me. Stop and purge, throw it back in her face and push my luck by trying to dress in front of her or go underground. Based on the admonition in other threads that makes me a liar. Seems to me that there isn?t any acceptable way among my forum peers to navigated this situation.

[Cheryl T]

Communication!
If you don't keep open lines it will just make things worse. If she's against it, talk about why. Understand her trepidation, if it exists and let her know why it's important to you.
Remember, it's not an argument, it's a discussion.

[Teresa]

Cheryl,
It's only a discussion if both parties are in agreement otherwise it's probably a heated argument . If one side just won't talk then you can only ask once !

[Karren H]

Be satisfied with what you have. You push too hard or too fast she will do a 180 on you so fast you have to dig your fem clothing out of the trash can as the garbage truck is rolling up to your house.

[udcd]

I think patience is important, along with clear communication. Only a few years ago, my wife was very rigid with many of her approach to my CD. A huge part of that was my own not being able to clearly explain myself. Of course, you can choose to be happy with what you have, as long as you can actually be ok with that. Don’t suppress your wants or they will turn to resentment fast.

[jacques]

hello Jannis,
just keep communicating - you will reach a "happy place" together.
How far do you want to "push the envelope" - do you know what your boundary is and can you explain that to your wife?
I wear dresses around the house some evenings, but I would never want to embarrass my wife publicly.
stay healthy,
Luv J

[jessica33]

Maybe put a large shed in the backyard and called it second home . You can dress there as much as you want and at the same time keeps her happy in the main house .

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Jannis, I agree with everyone that you need to talk with your wife about this. One point is that you can paint your nails and wear panties and stockings under male clothes, as well as having long hair, without seeming visibly much different from the man she married and may still prefer to see around. Many men have had long hair, from cavemen and barbarians onward through medieval kings and today's rock stars who are nevertheless indisputably male. But once you progress to skirts and dresses--and presumably a bra to exhibit "breasts" under a blouse or dress--the external image changes to female and the "man" she married disappears. Unlike panties, it's a major "watershed" between male and female appearance. If you need to, just broach the subject gently, telling her it's something you'd like to do, trying not to let her feel as though it's a huge big deal or any kind of "demand" on her. If she has a negative reaction, you can always back off.

[Teresa]

Lori Ann,
I don't understand your comments about telling a wife " it's not a huge deal "or doesn't put "demands "on her , to most wives CDing and gender issues are difficult to play down , telling her as a husband it's no big deal that you wear women's clothes doen't wash with most wives .

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Hi Teresa.

Maybe I wasn't clear. I didn't mean to suggest that it "wasn't a big deal" to a wife. I thought that was implicit in what I said to start with: that it is a major step from "just wearing panties" hidden under male clothing to wearing skirts and blouses and appearing outwardly female. Rather, what I was suggesting was that Jannis should present her wishes "lightly," as if it wasn't a big deal to her either way. That gives her wife the feeling that there's "no pressure," it's not a "demand" Jannis is placing on her. It's just an idea she's being "sounded out" about, to which she's free to say Yes or No without conflict or lasting tension. If she says Yes, then that's great, but if she says No, she was going to say it (or think it) anyway. So why leave her feeling awkward for refusing something that seemed like a "big deal" to Jannis? That's all. I hope this makes sense.