Missed opportunity

[Maria 60]

My wife had an early appointment with her mother this morning and I got up early with her. We were having coffee on the couch and I was here on the community reading and my wife asked me "why am I so stubborn and why I say no when I really mean yes and miss so many little opportunities in life because I hold back and not show my true feelings.
This went back to what had happened at the mall last night, with the restrictions lifting we are going back to routine slowly. Walk and eat at the mall and then we have some alone time and I go for a fem drive.
We were in the mall and my wife seen a widow display with a prom style dress I always wanted, she said my birthday is coming up and she wanted to buy it for me. We went in the store and the dress was also 60% off. Even at 60% off it was still expensive for a dress that wasn't going to see the light of day. As we went to the register our son called and I walked away as she paid, I finished the conversation and my wife walked toward me without the dress and I asked her what happened. She told me the dress was a final sale and since the Covid I packed on a few pounds and she didn't want to spend the money if it didn't fit me. She then told me not to get upset but she told the girl that the dress was for me and if it was OK if her husband can try the dress on. My mouth dropped and my heart started racing and all at once that small store became so much smaller. I guess she seen my face go white as ghost and told me to relax because the girl didn't flinch and told my wife it wasn't a problem at all. I told her I didnt want to try the dress on. My wife told me I don't have to come out of the dressing room and just try the dress on and make sure it fits. She then asked me if I was wearing pantyhose under and I said yes and asked her what that had to do with anything and she told me if I try the dress on it will give a better look. I refused again and I looked up at the girl waiting at the register and she was starring at us and my wife made a hand jester that we weren't buying the dress. I walked out of the store and started breathing normal again and nothing was said about it until this morning.
She asked me why I am the way I am? why do I say no when I really mean yes, and all the amazing experiences and opportunities Iam missing because I'm embarrasted, shy and stubbornness for no reason to be.
She told me when I told her about the dressing 35 plus years ago we drew a line that we were both able to live with and I cross it now and then but pretty much I respect it. But a situation like last night that she was going to cross her own line and instead of jumping with excitement I pushed the brakes myself.
Her disappointment is that I'm missing out, she knows how bad I wanted that dress and the reason she asked me if I was wearing pantyhose was in case I decided to come out of the dressing room it would have looked better. She said I could have just tried the dress and at least I would have had the dress now, but if I decided to come out of the dressing room she would have been happy to see that big smile I get when I'm doing something like that and she wanted to share this moment with me.
The sad part is, she stressed that Id rather not been embarrassed in front of that girl instead of doing something I would have never dreamed and made me happy.
She asked me why I get the way I get, as soon as I get close to doing something unbelievable with the dressing I pull back, the time with her sister I almost had a nervous breakdown and as soon as she told me she asked the girl if I could try the dress my face went white and I started hyperventilating.
She didn't understand, the mall was dead and the store was dead, the girl was on board she didn't care I could have tried the dress on and came out of the dressing room and did some spins.
Instead it was a lost opportunity, that may never happen again, if it was planned it wouldn't have had worked out, it was spontaneous and she feels bad when I miss out on chances like that.
She asked me is it because I want to protect her from this because when I went to have a coffee with the guy at the crossdressing store I walked down the street and sat in a coffee shop and then with her sister I went so far until I maybe realized how close to home it was and I panicked..
I really didn't have an answer besides I don't know why I get like that at times, I guess it was a really small store and maybe I didn't feel comfortable with that girl and that she really did catch me off guard, after all she did start the sentence with "don't get upset". I reminded her about the time I tried on the a skirt at another store, but it was a big department store and she was watching if anyone was coming, but that store last night was small and anyone plus that girl would have seen me.
I honestly don't know why I start to hyperventilate and shake and get nervous in some situations.
She had to go out and she ended it with keeping me honest, she told me not to look into this to much, like she sees things any different. The line is still in the same place and last night was just a spontaneous moment and in the future I should take advantage of those situations instead of overthinking things.
She is right I should be happy that she does want me to help me. Sorry it was so long I guess I get to much in detail.
I'm just wondering if anyone here would have felt comfortable trying on that dress in a small store like that, no wig or make up. Being seen just as a man in a dress and pantyhose and after all the time when I went to the coffee shop I was fully dressed. Maybe that was the difference.

[Laura912]

Your wife is right. She isn’t going to endanger you.

[Kirsty2907]

Online shopping only for me
Appreciate your wife was trying to help and give you an experience, but I?d be thinking could the dress not just be bought and returned if it hadn?t fitted ?

Your reaction was your true reaction and I suppose it?s down to if you want to do that kind of thing or not..

If you do, it?s something to work towards
If not, don?t

[bridget thronton]

It seems your wife is trying to help you do something she thinks will make you happy. I pull back sometimes too and often regret it.

[Teresa]

Maria,
How would you deal with the situation without your wife , does she make you more nervous or is she your support ?

I'm not sure if I could try a dress on with my wife watching but I would be perfectly happy to do it alone . It also depends on how you were dressed , in male mode or female mode ? I must admit I could no longer try items on in male mode , it just doesn't feel right now .

It's not always easy finding the confidence so try not to beat yourself up too much besides it might be better for you wife to save her money and treat you to something you're more likely to wear when out driving or having a coffee . Prom dresses are lovely but even GGs hardly ever wear them , maybe consider how many times you might have worn it . Obviously it's different if you attended evening functions with music and dancing , then a nice selection of dresses is worth buying .

[DianeT]

You can't control reactions to stress other than by getting used to what causes them. And even then. Even long time actors getting on stage still bite their nails moments before.
On the bright side, there's no arguing that your wife loves you very much. And not everyone has a crossdressing coach at home.

[Stephanie47]

Now that you hashed this out with your wife and threw it out on this forum for discussion, perhaps you are able to go back to the store and try the dress on. I think you were broadsided by your wife stepping out of her self imposed boundaries. Me? Having been in a very prolonged DADT situation I don't know how I would react if my wife broke out of her self imposed protective shell. You're fortunate to have a wife who is accepting of your cross dressing. Cherish her.

[Alice Torn]

I would have likely done just like you did, only i dont have a mate to help me. I stil have guilt and shame about dressing.

[Pumped]

Get your wife back in the car and go try on the dress! you will regret no at least trying it on.

[Marcia Blue]

I would have hesitated if my Wife was along. Had it been her idea, after a short minute. I would have grabbed the dress and walked very quickly to the dressing room. I have had major heart surgery, and survived prostate cancer. I have learned not to let opportunities disappear.

I second seeing if your Wife would go back with you. Go see if the dress at least fits.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Maria, while I do appreciate your wife being so loving and supportive generally, I have to say this incident was her problem and not yours. While she was trying to do her best for you, she broke your boundaries.

Although I've read how many crossdressers do it, and without the sales assistants blinking an eye, I have never myself tried on women's clothes in a store, and would feel embarrassed to do so. The same with you. Your wife embarrassed you by "exposing" you in front of this salesgirl.

On learning that the dress was "final sale," what your wife could and should have done was to come back to you and ask you if you'd be prepared to try the dress on, giving you a chance to prepare yourself while encouraging you. Only if you were willing should she then have gone back to the salesgirl and asked her if it was OK for you to try the dress on.

Of course you can still do it, as Pumped pointed out--if the dress is still there. Incidentally people have different reactions to whether or not a wife is present when trying a dress on. It's interesting that some readers here say they'd feel more awkward about trying a dress on in front of their wives. If I were in a store, I'd feel more comfortable about doing so if my wife were there along with me for "moral support."

But that's beside the point. Just don't feel guilty and beat yourself up about this incident, because it wasn't your fault, OK?

[JenX]

Everyone has their own boundaries. While I would have tried on the dress in the dressing room, I am not going to judge.

[Aka_Donna]

1. Would your reaction been different if you had a day warning?
2. Is your wife limited in the ways you will allow her to support your needs? Why? Ask yourself what is going on, is it control thingy. This is not the first time you have expressed this reaction.

Maybe the T-list exercise would help. One side points of what could go wrong. Other side, what could go well and be new adventure. It may take time to id both the fears blocking and the joys suppressed. Take your time with the exercise. First brain storming dump may not be complete.

[MysecretSummerlife]

I think she was trying to be inclusive to your lifestyle and maybe step over that line. But I see how it was an embarrassing thing for you. Its almost like a friend outing you as gay or lesbian before you've had thr chance to do. But at the sametime. I would have jumped all over the opportunity to throw that dress on hehe.

[GretchenM]

I think you have a very deep seated fear of being caught that is activated in such a situation. It was clearly an irrational reaction to an opportunity and your wife was trying to help you overcome that. Probably not the best approach, but your reaction may indicate a deep seated trauma in your distant past. It is like a huge wall you need to break through. One solution is to take your wife by her hand, put her in the car and go back to the store. Take your wig with you. If the dress is still there take it into the dressing room and put it on and come out for a review. Just do it!!

The other solution is maybe a year of therapy. Phobias need to be dealt with very directly and you have a huge phobia of being seen in public as Maria. It is not unusual, but it is correctable by meeting it head on. Trust your wife. She may not know exactly how to help you, but she is concerned about your unhappiness in certain situations and wants to help you overcome that. She loves you more than you know. Trust her.

[Beverley Sims]

My first experience of dress shopping was with five girls that took me into abotique as a man and I came out as a woman.

Lost all inhibitions on the spot. :-)

[Deborah G]

With your wife's suggestion, I would try on the dress. I used to have a problem with this myself, but typically the sales people don't care, as long as they make a commission. I was sold on this when I was trying on shoes one time and the sales woman commented on "How good they looked on me and how well I walked in them (4"+ high heels)!" Do you think I bought the shoes...YES, 2 colors..,red...and black! She could not have been sweeter! I went back there many times and she was always so gracious.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

I wonder if salespeople are given actual training about how to act (as if it's perfectly normal) when a male customer wants to try on women's clothes. I imagine they are. It makes good sense from a business viewpoint anyway.

[candykowal]

I can't even imagine what happen inside your mind but I suspect you were raised in a strict and guided society of ridged elders.
Our upbringing embeds strong influences of values that can dictate our comfort zone.
Don't beat yourself up to much, it was how you were raised, and are accepted and valued good traits.....that's all.
Often, those of us who were brought up in these close knit religious or regimented communities have a hard time changing out thoughts about this new society of people who are ultra liberal.
To change all we were taught is easy when thinking about it, but when it comes to doing the actual deed, something inside makes us uncomfortable, and we shut down.
It is those core values that were cherished and respected we have to get past to open up and do what we want.
I find if I think these people don't know me, will never see me again, and they really don't care, I can do whatever it takes for me to enjoy what little life I have on this planet.
I urge you to throw caution to the wind, take that "Leap of Faith" and do everything your heart desires.
I know I will be lucky to have 20 years left here...life is way too short, you made it this far, what do you have to loose?
And BTW, your wife is a dear, loves you....and is on her way to being a Saint....won't you let her?...well you get the idea. :battingeyelashes:

[phili]

Maria,
On the bright side, your wife is the champ here- really stretching to help you. I suppose she now knows better just how difficult and emotion-laden this is for you. You are writing it all out bc you wanted to do it, right? But you 'couldn't'- which only means that you felt a threat still existed that was too great. So maybe work on that. There will be more dresses, and more opportunities, but all of them will be missed until
you work on identifying what that threat is and whether you really have to honor it.

I no longer care who knows- I came to it gradually, but I realized that the shame is taught us as a control measure, and it is punitive and traumatic and cruel. I had to forgive my parents a lot of things, and this was one of the smaller ones- since I knew at heart I was harmless.

My guess is that the main threat was that 'someone' would come in and see you. Even if you were just in the dressing room, someone would come in and figure it out You realized the sales girl didn't care, your wife was saying clearly she wanted you to enjoy it, but you knew that it was still possible that someone would see you and then the SECRET would be out.

You were justifiably panicked- your wife was talking OUT LOUD in public- not acting like it is the SECRET that must never get out.

You were right- as long as you feel that way, you need to keep it a secret in a careful way.

But you might find yourself in the same situation on your drive if some drunk driver sideswipes you or you hit a deer or whatever. You have made peace with your chances in these situations, or the coffee shop? but maybe that has to do with having your wig and at least not looking really stupid - i.e. like a guy wearing a dress without realizing he had to do a lot more to earn basic respect for his humanity!

Your wife seems quite generous in terms of trying to accommodate your needs, so maybe you can get a nice win out of this moment by thanking her and having her help you by talking more out loud about how you feel. What you wish for, what you fear, what you worry she will feel, etc.

[ChrisP]

This is clearly an intensely private feeling and desire for you, and the fact that you are able to share it with your wife is fantastic.
It's going to take incremental steps to feel comfortable doing something as bold as trying on a dress in public store.

Share with your wife that you're open to taking advantage of opportunities to dress up more, but that you need to do it slow. If she can give her support it's going to make it that much easier for you.

I remember feeling like you described too, and how impossible it was to overcome it. It just took baby steps to make it happen.

[Meeshell]

OMG!! Maria, my heart started racing and my breath went shallow just reading about your experience. I can't imagine what it must have been like to be there. I might have gone ahead and tried it on, but I may not of survived it.

Hugs
Meeshell

[Helen_Highwater]

There's a thread on the go about pushing boundaries "The most daring". I replied about the first time I went shopping enfemme and having not so much butterflies but eagles in my stomach. The thing is once I'd overcome that hurdle everything else followed on.

So now you know your wife will be on board if you're out together and you're faced with a similar situation perhaps you should be mentally preparing yourself for that occasion. Be aware it might happen and if it does go with the flow. Pull the big girl knickers up, deep breath and go for it. Even give the SA a polite, "Thank you for this". Once you've done it, you'll wonder why it took you so long.

[jenabrooks]

Chock it up as a regret.

[alwayshave]

Maria, It seems from reading your posts, your wife always has your best interest at heart. I would listen her. Do you know how many members here would kill to have a wife as accepting and encouraging as yours.

[suzanne]

I feel bad for you that you can't bring yourself to.try on a dress in the store, but I also understand where that terror comes from. The taboos that were taught to us from infancy are often too strong to overcome. Tragic.

But if there ever was a chance to thumb your nose at those taboos and put them away forever, that was it. Your wife is ten times more supportive than mine is, and there is no one more supportive than a dress shop SA. You need to remind yourself that SAs don't just tolerate men like you and me, they ENJOY helping us discover our authentic selves and seeing us feeling pretty in a new dress. I have often been told I am one of their best customers and they obviously enjoy my visits.

And despite what others say, online shopping is a poor substitute for shopping in person. Online, you're never 100% certain it will look good on you until you've committed the money and then waited days or even weeks for delivery. Yes there's a return policy, but there's the hassle of repackaging and then waiting for your refund to go through. In my experience, I only return something if it's truly awful. I don't bother with returning it if it's "so so", and I end up.never wearing it in public. That same piece never comes home with me from the store. There is no gambling on size, fit or style in the store, and most importantly, no judgment. There is only "Yes" or "Nope, next piece please" and not a single dollar is spent on anything that doesn't impress.

I really hope you can overcome your fears one day and just go ahead and try on dresses in person. There's nothing like the feeling of liberation you'll get. Really.