How to plant the seed to gauge openness?

[KimberC]

So, while I'm 100% certain if I fully opened up to my wife it would be the end.... guaranteed.... but i think if I eased her into it that she would be more open and who knows....

My question is, do you think there is a good way to see how she would likely react? Is there a good place to maybe start (like discussing wearing panties, or stockings under, something unseen?). I would be interested to hear what's worked and what hasn't, understanding that everyone is different and there is no easy way....

Thanks for your insights.
~ Kimber

[Micki_Finn]

Let me get this straight: you know your wife is 100% against something, but you think you can somehow manipulate her into being “ok” with it? Good luck with that.

[Diane426]

There really is no perfect way to drop that on anyone. Best advice I have is to keep it to yourself. Most women just aren't ready to deal with this. Don't let the cat out untell you have to. Keep it special to yourself.
Diane 🎀

[Karren H]

I would get all dressed up... and jump out of the closet and surprise her! No sense to in beating around the corset...

[KimberC]

Let me get this straight: you know your wife is 100% against something, but you think you can somehow manipulate her into being ?ok? with it? Good luck with that.

No, I'm 100% sure that if I just dropped it on her out of nowhere she would shut down...

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Karen, hehehehe not thinking that would be a good plan....
I'm not very brave, and definitely not brave enough for that, not to mention what it would mean to the family as a whole.

[Stephanie47]

How does your wife react to issues related to the LGBT community? Pro rights? Anti rights? This is an indication she would receptive to a cross dressing husband, but, it would give you some indication if she is absolute against our community. My wife is supportive to LGBT rights, but, she married someone of her liking. As she told me, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would married a woman." Further, if a husband and wives are at odds against each other, then springing something else is usually not going to go well.

How would you go about asking if under dressing is alright? Just blurt it out at breakfast one day? Usually, there is some preliminary discussion.

If your wife wears sexy lingerie to bed, such as an ankle length nylon gown, maybe you could tell her you really like the feel of the fabric. Maybe she would drape part of the flowing gown over you body to get you aroused. Maybe, some mutual benefit may ensue. Of course, all that may happen is she drives you nuts.

When my wife and I were first married she did find me one night wearing her nightgown because I did find the nylon sensual, etc. We did end up buying me several nighties and hosiery. When it progressed further, the infamous "The Talk" happened. Then it became DADT which could become a viable solution in the end.

[char GG]

You may want to start with this thread: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?198824-Tips-to-an-SO-s-acceptance

or this one: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?271865-Not-telling-lies-and-hiding-things-from-a-GGs-POV-two

[KimberC]

HOLY CRAP......

So, my wife was talking that she needs new panties (hers are falling apart) and I suggested I pick them out. She responded that would not be a good idea (she knows I'd pick out something sexier) and she said "if I don't like them you'll get them for your birthday"... I laughed and said she can pick them out. We looked around Amazon and picked out some she likes and as she sat down in her chair I joked and said want to pick me out some too. She said sure, we can look at boxers, and then I turned the laptop around and said I like these (they were a pair of womens bikini panties)... She said "uh, ok.... go for it" and even helped me pick out a color (it's a purple-ish)....

So... I'm going to get the panties, and start to wear them and see what happens... the seed was planted...

Thank you all for being a sounding board.

[Sandi Beech]

That went great it would seem. Certainly a lot better than when I tried wearing some women?s boyshorts underwear. My wife literally threw her yogurt all over the carpet. She did not have to say anything since I got her point. You just never know how it will go until you try.

Sandi

[KimberC]

We will find out Wed, that's when the order arrives.....

Fingers Crossed

[candykowal]

Nice! ...pretty cool to have the hindsight to grab the brass ring sort of speak, as it was there for the taking!
I am an older gal and I have been tinkering in the last 10 years with things that tend to come up as we grow old.
I kind of play up a dry skin condition and I am able to epulate my hair on my arms and legs, moisturize with pretty smelling creams and wear silky polyester unisex dago-T's that are camisole like.
Since we can't find satin mens boxers anymore, so they don't make me itch, she is okay buying me womens Barbra brand Full Coverage Satin Briefs from Walmart.
She buys them in a multicolor 6 pack and I have a few in pink.
I gotten her to buy me high waist panty shapers and 2 Rago open bottom girdles for a slight hernia condition.
She also has bought me gloss clear nail polish to break my habit of biting my nails. I can now grow then past my finger tips and keep them shiny!
She knows I wear pantyhose under my slacks for warmth in winter and has even bought me tights.
I have a lot of unisex satin shirts I wear all the time in summer. They are blouse like and pretty femme.
Wearing polyester slacks and hard sole dress shoes with those satin shirts, while underdressing in lingerie, I feel pretty feminine while still presenting as a snappy dressed man.
Next up, she sees my 38C breasts everyday bound in tight satin Dago-T's ... if I start having back pain, I might be able to talk her into buying me a few soft cup satin bras.
She did shoot down my ears getting pierced....Drat. I have to really sell the idea. Is there any medical reason to have pierced ears?
I believe if you can get your wife to accept buying you lingerie, it's a green light to be feminine.
Now I know she isn't stupid and I do believe she figures my CDing isn't hurting anyone.
As long as I am not in her face with my sissy ways, she can be okay with it all in our DADT relationship.
After all, I am fine with being husband first....so maybe slow and steady, pick your moments, as you just did, and you will be feminine 24/7 by the time your chest sags and your retiring! It is working , so far, for me.

[lingerieLiz]

One thing not to do is show her female impersonators and have her comfortable with them and assume she will be comfortable with your cross dressing. Many women find female impersonators fun entertainment, but not for her husband doing it. She might let you wear something for Halloween but that is the end.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

Yes, have found that you can't predict that someone who you'd think would be supportive will be, but probably not a good sign if you think they won't be supportive.

[Di]

That is what we GGs call the drip drip drip method.
What ends up happening many times we end up not to believe anything you say ....just a game to you it seems. First it’s pantys then this then that . Seriously we are not that stupid because When it comes out....and it will ....she will remember all the nonsense you said to gage her reaction.
Stop the games and be honest.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kimber :hugs:, Quick look at line #4 in my Signature !

[char GG]

Please re-read what Di said.


but i think if I eased her into it that she would be more open and who knows....

Obviously, you know your relationship better than we do. However "easing her into it"? Really!? My thought is that it's time to have a real conversation. Don't insult her intelligence by playing games.

[Karren H]

We will find out Wed, that's when the order arrives.....

Fingers Crossed

Hopefully you have a fall back position! If her reaction is less than positive you can always blame it on Amazon screwing up your order!

Can not believe that the sent this instead of the new hunting outfit... mosquito repellent, cheese curds and bratwurst that I had ordered!! Lol.

[MysecretSummerlife]

Make sure to keep us posted. Hopefully all goes well and the seed grows into a beautiful fully dressed good time.

[KimberC]

Karen, no chance of the "wrong order" excuse... she picked them out. Now, she may not have actually thought I would order it but that is for Wed I suspect.
If she is resistant when it comes in I'll know to back off.... if she isn't, who knows... I may just take it to the next level right away.

[Krisi]

I asked my wife once why she was wearing sack dresses around the house and she said "Because they are comfortable." I said "OK, I want on too." A couple days later she bought me one and I started wearing it. She was talking about buying some bras and I told her I could order them from eBay. She said "OK." When they came in she said "Are those my bras?" I said "No, they are my bras, they have my name on the package." I proceeded to take off my shirt and put the bra on.

I got to where I am now in small steps and at this point can walk around the house with my wig, boobs, hips and butt and any of my closet full of women's clothes.


There are different ways to deal with this situation and it all depends on the people and the relationship. What works for one couple may not work for another. And some women are not going to accept this regardless. You will have to figure this out yourself.

[KimberC]

So, another new twist to the story.....

This morning i was taking a shower and had just stepped out when my wife comes in. She has a package of panties that she had and forgot about and says "here ya go". I giggled and said that I'm sure they're a bit small for me.... she starts to leave the bathroom (she did it as a joke I'm pretty sure) and I say "just leave me a pair and I'll try". She does and then goes about here morning stuff. I put them on (they are a bit snug and the sides will likely dig in a bit too much to be comfy) and then I finished getting dressed. She finished what she was doing and came into my office (work from home these days) so I undo my belt and jeans and pull them down to show her. She thought they looked good but agreed they were a bit tight on the side, to which we proceeded to discuss that its the problem she has with this brand too and then I reminded her that we did order my size, and that they are in Wed.

She seemed ok so far.... once they are in I may breach the subject a bit more, or discuss if I am OK to get more so I can every-day where them....

~ Kimber

[Karren H]

Karen, no chance of the "wrong order" excuse... she picked them out. Now, she may not have actually thought I would order it but that is for Wed I suspect.
If she is resistant when it comes in I'll know to back off.... if she isn't, who knows... I may just take it to the next level right away.

Well make sure you have a couple pounds of cheese curds ready when you tell her you want to grow your breasts! Lol. Women love cheese curds! Ok my wife does and she is from WI so I figure they all do! PS she hates crossdressing so that might speak loudly to all WI women?

[KimberC]

I have forms on order (delivery today actually)..... so..... hahahahahahah

[Karren H]

Just tell her that the forms are the same one Brett Farve wears! They are green and gold? Right? 😜

[Beverley Sims]

I think that you are living in interesting times.

Just don't push it though.

[docrobbysherry]

Kim, I think u need to become familiar with 2 staples of this site: "The talk", and, "DADT"!:thumbsup:

"The talk" is when u confess your need to dress.:eek:

"Don't ask, don't tell", is a possible compromise if "the talk" doesn't go well!:doh:

[DianeT]

It's remarkable how most responses, including the OP's, blatantly ignore the advices and warnings of the two GGs who offered counseling here, and keep the discussion going like their posts never happened. Let's see where this goes...

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So, while I'm 100% certain if I fully opened up to my wife it would be the end.... guaranteed....
Kimber, actually, you don't know that. The countless stories you can find in these forums are a testimony to the fact that it's impossible to test the waters that way. Your wife may give you some slack first and then it may suddenly change. And that drip drip method is just another way to name manipulation, so it is very possible that it will be even less well received by your wife than a full reveal. But a full reveal requires a long preparation, you can't improvise it. My advice here would be to put yourself in your wife's shoes so to speak, and try to imagine how it would make you feel to be manipulated this way, supposing you find out what the whole story is about. And remembering that since you are already hiding something important from her, the day you decide to come out, she will need to forgive you for two things not one. The way I see it you are probably aggravating your case by playing these games, but the excitement clouds that from you. We'll see. BTW the links Char pointed you to are essential reads, don't overlook them.

[Dutchess]

Unfortunately that happens alot here Diane or like me I end up killing a thread many times . Its like oh here is one of those I am trying to get over on , lets ignore her advice .

Yes DO listen to Di and Char REALLY read what they are saying . I also want to add to slow it down . Her playing around like this with you IS NOT the green light to go hog wild and do whatever .
Beverly is trying to say this as well as Diane .
"Planting a seed" ( shes not a Stepford wife ) , getting over on her , easing her into anything etc etc etc is going to cause major resentment , its is like you are trying to scam her . That IS how she will see that .
You really need to be honest , trying to think of a way to scam her won't end well .

[ReineD]

So, while I'm 100% certain if I fully opened up to my wife it would be the end.... guaranteed.... but i think if I eased her into it that she would be more open and who knows....

The best way to approach it is to say that you have always enjoyed wearing women's things, you don't like the idea of going behind her back, and ask her how she feels about that.

I don't know what you mean by "easing her into it", but it sounds like lies of omission and manipulation. Just be candid. If she objects, be honest about how that makes you feel. Hopefully there will be room for some sort of compromise.

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and then I turned the laptop around and said I like these (they were a pair of womens bikini panties)... She said "uh, ok.... go for it" and even helped me pick out a color

I just saw this. I suppose your wife is thinking "Whatever ... he likes tight briefs". There really isn't much difference between men's and women's bikini briefs. Just do a google image search and you will see. But to not tell her you like the briefs because they are women's is doing her a disservice. You are not being honest. As things progress and when she will find out, she will be angry that you have not been honest with her. And this will not help your cause.

[Deborah G]

Only you can gauge what she is willing to accept. You have taken the first step!

[KimberC]

I appreciate all the feedback gurls.... I'll let you all know how things progress this week....

[char GG]

I'm just wondering how you are going to explain the breast forms showing up (as mentioned in another thread). That's a big step from panties.

[confused_cathreen]

I was one of those who perceived the whole thing as manipulation. Because it was. And he missed a trick there because I don't suffer such techniques kindly. His loss, I could have worked with him if he hadn't tried that drip drip and behind my back stuff. And couldn't trust a thing he said after the whole thing blew up, so we were dead in the water. Good luck to you, maybe your wife is not one to look under the surface. The whole thing and the result is completely depending on how you approach this, so you can tap yourself on your back if it goes well or deal with the concequences if it doesn't. You got the ball rolling now anyway :)

[Lori Ann Westlake]

That's a key point about the breast forms, Kimber. I mean, you can wear panties under male clothes. And pantyhose. You can wear women's jeans. You can wear a "pretty" top or T-shirt. Heck, you can even wear a skirt or a dress if you're bold enough, and still retain male identity. There are guys here who identify as a "MIAD"--a "Man In A Dress." (I'd pronounce that to rhyme with "Triad," but some say they pronounce it "Mee-ad.") Anyway there are men all over the world who wear "robes" of some kind for one reason or another, just as all of humanity did before somebody invented "trousers." They remain male in spite of it.

But once you go to a bra with breast forms, that's like crossing the Rubicon. (Or the Delaware, or something.) It's the crucial step that takes you unmistakably from "presenting as a male" to "presenting as a female." If your wife sees those breast forms, I sure hope she's ready for them!

[AngelaYVR]

When I was at the undies only stage, my wife thought it was cute. It was no longer cute after adding tights. In the end it worked out really well but the intervening years were strained. I hope you do this better than I did.

[Teresa]

Kimber,
It might be OK to try and sow that seed but sometimes it doesn't grow or if it does it will get nipped off in the bud .

You know your wife better than any of us , so it's for you to decide , I tried sowing seeds but very few grew with my CDing /TG issues .

Consider what diiference certain clothes will make to your wife , they are all items of women's clothing so will probably get the same question , WHY ? That is what you need to think about , why you have this need and how far will all this go , your wife isn't stupid , she knows once she relents on one item it will lead to more .

[Cheryllynn]

I was going to point out the way the GG's who posted advice on this thread were pretty much being ignored...but I see I was late to that party. As someone who is "out" to my wife, I would never think of trying the "drip" method, I just don't think it would end well. We had "the talk" and she knows I dress and is mostly supportive, although she isn't interested in participation. Out of respect to her I keep it to myself unless there is some purchase I would like to make that she will know about. As long as I keep it reasonable and don't give myself completely over to the "pink fog" it works for us. In the future I might consider upping my game a bit to go with makeup and wigs and such, when I do it will be after consulting with her.
Just my $.02 worth on this early Tuesday morning. I really should go to bed. lol

[Di]

I was going to point out the way the GG's who posted advice on this thread were pretty much being ignored...
Thanks both you and Diane T both pointed it out. There were 5 of us GGs trying to help the OP see how his wife would feel but as per usual we are ignored.
Down the line when we see the cders come back with their , my wife wants a divorce, my wife said quit or else., my wife caught me ect. We still try to help even though we might want to say gee really?
Thanks to those who stick up for us.

[Cass42]

With me,I was not being honest to the exes I dated in my life.It bit me in the butt and learned I had to be honest.My wife Dana whom is supportive,she was glad I opened up to her being a fulltime crossdresser when we first started dating

[Maid_Marion]

I bought VS PJs and wore them to bed that night. We had a talk. She was OK with panties and growing out my hair but if I wanted to start HRT, we needed to talk.

Marion

[Teresa]

Char,
That was a biggy for me , what happens if or when my wife discovers I have breast forms with nipples , I couldn't get over being a step too far at the time . That is why I initially made my own using double layered water balloons , as it turns out I found they worked better in my circumstances than expensive silicon forms .

The other important point was my wife wouldn't spend a fortune on clothes in fact she hated clothes shopping so I did promise my dressing wouldn't cost a fortune but then she didn't take lightly to me ventruing into charity shops . Lets face it wives/partners would prefer it not to exist at all if the truth is known sowing seeds wouldn't have to happen to dress .

[alwayshave]

I have always been a tear the bandaid off quickly type person, so I'd just come out and tell her.

[Valerie Louise]

I dunno, Kimber. Its sort of like Di days. If you establish a pattern of crossdressing progression with her ... panties now, bras next week, etc ... then she has no logical reason to think that there is an end to it, and may think you want to fully transition.
She is going to ask you one day, "Do you want to be a woman fulltime?". For me, I was able to say, no, that's just not going to work, but I do like being Val occasionally. But I did put all my chips in, in one discussion, admittedly late in the marriage, and told her that I have dressed completely as a woman in the past many times, and want to continue to do it.
It was not fun, but the tradeoff was maintaining the lie to my best friend of my obsession, for admitting that I had lied to her through omission in the past.
Right now, it may be all joking for both of you, but one day it may dawn on her that this progression could go a long way, and its not a joke anymore.
I just know this ... trust, communication and putting her needs first, while both of us accepting that I had to let Val live, were key in getting to a place where she helps me, and we are good with each other, even when I'm dressed. She wishes it wasn't happening, but she lives with it because she knows Val is with me. Her remaining beef with me, that cannot be erased, is that I did not trust her earlier, and that I did not give her the choice at the time we got married. Guilty, no way out of it.
My post here is all about my wife and I, only because I don't know you and your wife. Only you know that, so maybe your call is right. Just be sure that the "rollout" is not one that is pink fog driven, but rather is the result of an ... analysis ... that you have done of the potential outcomes. If you ride only on "I hope it works", and don't make a plan, you may not get the outcome you want.

Please try to get to a place where she is able to accept Kimber, and try to do better than DADT. It is a wonderful feeling to have your friend tell you that she is amazed at how nice you look, make a comment on the gesture you use to manage your hair, and coach you at times. I'm not in nirvana, but it is way better than hiding.

[KimberC]

Thanks for all the input everyone, lots to consider. For me I guess part of it is that I'm still very new to all of this and perhaps I'm not even sure what I want (part time, full time, transition) so it's hard for me to see what the outcome would be. For now I think I need to relax a little, and experiment on my own first and see if I can figure out the direction I want to go before I have "the talk". If circumstances present themselves perhaps I'll breach the subject more with her but for right now I think it's an inner secret.....

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Thanks both you and Diane T both pointed it out. There were 5 of us GGs trying to help the OP see how his wife would feel but as per usual we are ignored.
Down the line when we see the cders come back with their , my wife wants a divorce, my wife said quit or else., my wife caught me ect. We still try to help even though we might want to say gee really?
Thanks to those who stick up for us.

Di, I wasn't ignoring anyone, I hope you don't feel I was... I was trying to take in everyone's ideas/suggestions and get a discussion around all of it so I could make better(?) decision(s) around this whirlwind of a life that's hit me suddenly....