Giving up on an impossible situation?

[Star01]

Forgive me if my attitude has been showing but my crossdressing life is nothing but one frustration after another.

Small town, year spent at home in DADT, wife pays bills so no purchases, vehicle is shot and won?t start and doing anything in lockdown prompts questions. Home body, do not drink or go clubbing, could never discretely join support groups, no CD friends to serve as mentors. Basically just an old man with some kind of curse that has only caused more anxiety.

Do not bother offering solutions, trust me, this is an impossible corner I am painted into. My wife is not some kind of ogre, we agreed that she would do finances and she is better than I am at it. She drives the good car and I get the old hauling to the compost rusty beater because that is what I do. I think if there is such a thing as a Devine being he or she played a huge joke. Pick the most unlikely country hick, give him gender issues and watch him struggle. Even therapy leaves me frustrated as I can clearly see what I am but cannot act on it.

Solutions aside for me this comes down to a simple choice, family and friends or give it all up to dress like a woman. That would surely see me splitting my income and investments and becoming a recluse after I lose everything. I look at this as a curse because it is impossible to fit it into a small town conservative existence.

Add the fact that I am looked down on for on here for omitting information and lying due to my DADT and things feel pretty hopeless right now. I am the kind of person who will carry on but I can see where some might feel trapped with no way out and resort to self harm.

[KimberC]

I wish I could give some sage advice... but I don't have enough experience to do that justice. What I can say is that I don't think you are alone in where you are. Many have been through it. When it comes to having to make a "trade off" that's a decision only you can make but take your time. Where things are right now is not necessarily where they will be in a week, or a month... We live in very crazy times right now, let's let life get back to some new type of normal before we make decisions that can alter our lives.

There is always here.... and sometimes living vicariously through others is our only release. But take heart and keep looking forward to a better day

[bridget thronton]

You are in tough spot

[Aunt Kelly]

Your situation is hopeless if you do nothing to change it, or your outlook. I am not judging your choices, only your refusal to make them. I am reading a lot of complaints about your situation, but precious little planning or problem solving. You indicate that you are (or at least were) in therapy. That's good. Have you not discussed appropriate things to try in order to improve your situation?

[CarlaWestin]

Star, I've always found that exercising an honest sorting of priorities has been inspirational. I've had to put Carla on hold for a while. Furloughed for over a year now with the embellished crisis nonsense, I've had to stay focused on the true mode of reality. Unless you are truly transgender, crossdressing is just a fabulous bonus pastime. Priority and focus are the keys to life. I personally believe in a higher power that always observes but very, very rarely interacts. Usually, the resolve to all of our issues are clear to see if we just open our eyes. The only choice is to own the situation. I'm trying not to pontificate but, I've always believed that true virtue is doing the right thing when no one is looking. CD is enjoyable and doesn't need to be mislabelled as a curse. Just put it all away for a while and concern yourself on elevating from your situation. The solution game is much more rewarding than the blame game.

[Helen_Highwater]

My only comment would not to act while in the middle of this pandemic. We're in odd territory to say the least and that makes taking decisions all the more difficult.

I must admit I was saddened when I read; "Add the fact that I am looked down on for on here for omitting information and lying due to my DADT and things feel pretty hopeless right now". You are certainly not alone in keeping secrets and non of us is really in a position to judge others. I know there are a few who take the position that not telling is the same as lying. Well that makes me a liar as it does for all who are in the closet but we all have our lives to lead and our circumstances differ hugely.

So as we say this side of the pond, "Stay calm and carry on". Things have a way of sorting themselves out on their own.

[Teresa]

Star,
I'm sorry you feel looked down on by members of the forum , I have tried to give you support and believed you can move forward even by small steps , I hope your therapist can offer enough support to keep your head above water .

One thing you mustn't lose sight of is other members have been through a situation similar to yours perhaps even worse , I always tried to hold onto that thought when my situation reached rock bottom and please believe me it has .

The pandemic has been an ordeal for many to live through it has been a very depressing time for some but at least we are survivning it whereas so many people haven't , try and look on a brighter side and consider life isn't so bad but it could be a whole lot worse .

[char GG]

Please just remember, everyone has a different and unique life situation. No one is looking down at another person for their life events. Feel free to vent. People here are supporting each other in the only way they know how - by the caring way that they have been responding.

[Star01]

Positive notes would be that I got my first dose of vaccine, I will be going from junker to showroom soon and buying one of the mid size SUV's and I have lost eleven pounds so far on the treadmill.

Advice is always appreciated but often falls short of my life experience. I am not so delicate that I can't work through adversity. Just saying that the only solution would be to move out on my own so that I could dress but I will never do that. I am not going anywhere, staying her with my wife and having a good relationship with my family is important to me, I won't demand freedom or flaunt my dressing (if I could dress). My next session starts in an hour and we have been discussing all of these topics and more. There really isn't anything I would do that would be considered drastic or harmful to myself or others. I think I have mentioned that I have always felt in control of every aspect of my life over the years but crossdressing and whatever is beyond it are different. I can't control these things, I can only adapt to whatever they dictate or deny and try to leave it behind me but you all know how that turns out.

I think the problem is that my thinking borders on transgender but my circumstances are too restrictive to get away with even the most modest attempts at crossdressing. True, the lockdown is making it all more difficult on top of what it already is.

Then there is the R word and a quarter century of cult indoctrination. It's pretty hard to be comfortable with my gender issues when I have all that baggage to deal with. That is mostly what we are focusing on in therapy. Remember, I am the one who got found out dressed in the mid 80's and reported to church elders who "excommunicated' me for a year. That adds an extra layer that most of my peers on this board will never understand.

[Shelly Preston]

Star,

I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough situation.

Firstly no one should ever be looked down upon due to their situation.

My only question would be is does your wife realize how badly you feel not being able to dress ?

I wish you the best on finding a solution even if its take some time.

[Star01]

My wife cornered me one day back around 2003. She never saw me dressed so I am not sure what prompted her to blindside me like that. I think it was because I shave my legs, grew my hair long and got my ears pierced. Maybe she saw some clothes or something but that never came up when she made her demands. All I remember is that she asked if I was going to transition, said I would be an ugly woman, can?t ever be a real woman because I can?t have a baby and that she never wants to see me dressed or know that I dress. That blind sided me, took all of two minutes and neither of us has said a word about it since. I believe she said something about not knowing if she can handle it which implied I was on thin ice. I have honored her request and not said a word since.

My wife is very liberal, watches shows on the subject and probably knows more about it than I do. She is not ignorant about this subject and is not religious so the anti LGBTQ teachings are not a factor. I think in her case she knows enough about it to know what she would be in for if it gets out of hand. Anyways, to try and have a conversation would be forcing this on her, this is our 51st year so I know when she means business and this is a subject I dont dare bring up. Like I said, the choice is pretty simple, her or continue to lie and omit as some here would suggest.

I think basically we have two schools of though here. Some of us will bend over backwards save the marriage, some will bend over backwards to save their girly time.

[Alice Torn]

Star, I empathize. Though single, I can relate some, as i am almost 67yo, and also live in a very small midwestern town area, and i could never let it be known around this area, that i am the big tall loner older guy who dresses up as a woman! SO, i hide it all, too. "R" word has been an issue in my life, also, to say the least! It is forbidden. Health issues, and if I get injured or seriously ill, and having no one to watch my back, or help me if i go down, too. And if my landlord had to find me down, hurt, and all my lady things, too!! Or if my landlord had to call my bother and sister 130 miles from here, to find me and my stash, I would be humiliated and shamed the rest of my life or their lives. I can empathize with you a lot. As i wish i had never had this compulsion, and the double life and isolation, and shame it sometimes causes. Though it is so thrilling to do occasionally. But, I cannot let it control my life. I DON'T consider it lying, to keep it secret. SHe may well have secrets she will never tell, too. It is sometimes wise to not reveal some things, as that could make things MUCH worse. We all hide some things. Carla has some very good input,

[Teresa]

Star,
While you continually say you have a good marriage and how much you love your wife I can't help feeling from your last comments that you are allowing yourself to be bullied because of your trans issues . She really is throwing barbs at you to deter you , " you would make and ugly woman " Can't be a real woman because you can't have a baby " . She has to consider how insulting that is to women who also can't conceive . She may hope you would make an ugly woman so you won't compete with her .

To be married 51 years is wonderful but it shouldn't appear like a prison sentence , I was married 45 years but I'm now still able to live a life I'm now happy with , after my wife had used most tricks in the book to deter me from my trans journey . The only life you appear to live is totally under her rules , you really have to consider your needs in life at some point for your own mental wellbeing .



Sorry I'm being a little harsh but I feel strongly now about people being bullied and controlled especially over trans issues , I didn't realise how bad my life had become until our separation . Love should be a two way emotion and not used as a weapon !

While rules don't permit religious comments , I do feel very let down and ashamed of the attitude of some sectors , at times they appear to fuction by two sets of rules when there should be none at all .

[Aunt Kelly]

I think the problem is that my thinking borders on transgender but my circumstances are too restrictive to get away with even the most modest attempts at crossdressing. True, the lockdown is making it all more difficult on top of what it already is.

Then there is the R word and a quarter century of cult indoctrination. It's pretty hard to be comfortable with my gender issues when I have all that baggage to deal with. That is mostly what we are focusing on in therapy. Remember, I am the one who got found out dressed in the mid 80's and reported to church elders who "excommunicated' me for a year. That adds an extra layer that most of my peers on this board will never understand.

Things are a little clearer now. If your "thinking borders on transgender", get that sorted out. Hope for arriving at a place where you don't need to transition. I mean that, because if you can't, your life will be less than ideal, whether or not you actually do transition. If you find that it's truly not for your, count your blessings.

I'd be happy to help deprogram your cultural biases, but not in this particular forum. Rules, you know. L)

[Micki_Finn]

What you are facing is so common there’s a word for it: a dilemma. You’re starting to see it. You feel like it’s a trap, but you understand it’s a choice, but you’re not fully appreciating what that choice is. You see it as losing your friends and family, but you could also see it as a chance to see who really loves you, and to make NEW friends and family. Your town won’t accept you, maybe it’s a choice to move to a new town or city. I know it’s really frightening but you have to look beyond the short term cost and understand the long term benefits of your decisions. Don’t get stuck only seeing the bad.

[Teresa]

Micki,
I agree , I chose to move twenty miles away which has worked out fine , it's not that far to visit family and old friends now they have accepted me , it was a surprise but it does happen , in fact I have lost very few old friends and made far more new ones .

[Julie MA]

Therapist told me, "you do have a choice to change things". So do you.

As for others, looking down on you, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". These no ones are not you, and risk nothing by telling you how you should live.

Love and accept yourself first. The choices above will be so much easier.

[Valerie Louise]

Star, I'm with Julie here. It sounds like zen or something, but its not. You have to love all of you, and that means accepting the woman in there. I kept Val bottled up until I made the choice to tell the wife. No, it wasn't fun, and its taken years to get to a point where there are rules that let Val come out. But had I not done that, I'm certain I would resent everyone that forced her to stay locked up. You may not realize that you are resentful, but if you look hard ... all I know is, that I was, and I'm not now.
Geez, 2003 is getting close to two decades ago. Maybe you ought to at least consider trying to have a deep conversation with her about how badly this hurts to bottle it up. If she won't even consider talking to you about something that deeply affects you, you might remind her that love goes both ways and she should be committed to your mental health, and engage in communication. I'd use the therapist time to talk about this stuff.
Please put the religious anti CD stuff behind you ... like a lot of the dogma, its all about control and power. No one knows, or controls you, better than you.
If Star is her name, love her, too.
We are ALL with you. Vent, complain, let it all out. Take the actions you think are right ... all we can do is advise.

[SaraLin]

Star, I'm pretty sure you're going to reject what I'm about to say, but I'll say it anyway...

It seems to me that you're basing your ENTIRE problem on two minutes' worth of dialog (MONOlogue?) from 18 years ago. As you said in post#11, "neither of us has said a word about it since.".

You also say "My wife is very liberal, watches shows on the subject and probably knows more about it than I do."

Now, here's the part you're not going to like: It seems that it's more YOU that's standing in your way, than it is her.
Do you really think that she has been incapable of learning, growing, or changing her viewpoint over the last 18 or so years?
Do you honestly believe that she thinks so little of you and the marriage that she'll throw it all away if you tell her you need to talk about your feelings and needs?
Do you truly need to victimize yourself this much?

Not that I'm one to talk - I'm still "stuck" in the same semi-DADT situation I was in when my wife and I got married. In the last few years, I've seen signs that I could probably "get away with" a bit more, but I still haven't pushed it. For me, I don't really need to, so I don't.

But - for you, it sounds like you're about to explode if something doesn't give. I know it's up to you to decide what you can or can't do - what you will or won't do.
Just please, for goodness' sake, at least consider that maybe your wife isn't such an ogre on the subject as you might think.
She possibly thinks you quit way back when, and hasn't given it much thought since.
And here, you're eating yourself alive trying to "please" her over something that might not even be there any more!

[Joyce Swindell]

Where are you? What part of the world? I'm soon to be 66 and could use a friend to do stuff with. Work on projects with kinda stuff... nothing sexual at all. Or just have a beer or something.

[JennyMay]

Star, I don?t have any advice for you. I just wanted to send you good thoughts. I, for one, am not judging you. It sounds like you are depressed and I know what it feels like to sit in that black pit. It is horrible but, as the story says, this too will pass.

[Maid_Marion]

Sorry to hear about your tough situation.

I was in a tough situation when my wife was dying as I had to juggle a full time job and be a full time caregiver.
I was too busy jumping from crisis to crisis as her situation changed by the week.

It could have been worse. I lived close enough to work to drive home during my lunch break to feed her.

Marion

[Star01]

SaraLin, you are pretty close to understanding my situation and my reaction. I am a non confrontational pleaser who does deal with some low grade depression and anxiety. I am often my own worst enemy and I constantly make jokes out of everything as a way of protecting myself from the heavy conversations. Then there is the cult background which is something most will never understand. There is a lot to unravel with me.

- - - Updated - - -


Where are you? What part of the world? I'm soon to be 66 and could use a friend to do stuff with. Work on projects with kinda stuff... nothing sexual at all. Or just have a beer or something.

Upper Midwestern US.

[Natalie5004]

Nothing is hopeless, please know we all care about you.

[Beverley Sims]

There has been so much support here for you and all I can add is look to the future with optimism and work out a gradual change of lifestyle.

Even finding friends in a like minded group near you.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm so sorry for u, Star! You've trapped yourself and sadly, r obviously unable to do anything about it.:sad:

However, u r a good example to younger folks that in most cases, your life is what u make it!:straightface:

[Star01]

My life is great by every other measure except the one that is the focus of this forum.

- - - Updated - - -

I probably come across like a needy person who hunkers down in the corner sucking his thumb with a blanket pulled over his head. That image is only true of my crossdressing life. Everything else is great, I checked off all the boxes and got a passing grade in everything.

The dressing part is difficult but I have a long track record of suppressing it and absorbing myself in other things. That only works for so long before she demands attention. That is where I am at now. I need to come up with a reason to get out of town for a couple days. When things open up again that is something that I do a few times a year.

[Stephanie47]

The dressing part is difficult but I have a long track record of suppressing it and absorbing myself in other things. That only works for so long before she demands attention.

I've been trying to bang out a comment to your thread. These two sentences struck a chord. On a personal note I am a disabled combat veteran about your age and your station in life. One of the things the VA has experienced within the last decade is an uptick in Vietnam veterans needing a little bit of therapy. What the VA has found is exactly what you're experiencing with cross dressing. By your own admission you have been able to stuff it all in the back of the closet (no pun intended) by being fully engaged in work and raising a family. Then, retirement comes. Work is over. Kids are raised and out of the house (prfe-covid at least). Little irritants then become more pronounced. It is good that you are seeing a therapist. However, IMHO, the is only part of the solution.

What about those around you. When I started to go off the rails I really was the last person to realize it. My wife saw it. My daughter, the social worker, saw it. "Dad you need help!" I had a track history with them. My wife knows some of the well hidden details that have slipped out on occasion when my guard was totally down. When I was helpless.

I wonder if your wife is aware of your angst and turmoil. Is she ignoring it? Or, does she not know what to do? How to help you? You have to deal with who you are. She has to deal with it. My wife, who is also a veteran of the same time, knows of the turmoil of those old days. She knows enough to cut me some slack when necessary. She also knows when to rein me in. Have you asked your therapist what her role should be in resolving your issues? You're in a DADT marriage. She knows. Maybe not the full extent, but, she knows.

My wife is aware of my cross dressing. She wants nothing to do with it. As stated many times I respect her views. However, she does not make snide comments. She is supportive to LGBT rights. She is educated. She does not turn the house upside down looking for vestiges of my cross dressing.

Perhaps, if your wife understands your needs an accommodation can be worked out.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
You make a good point about burying dressing needs in other ways , I managed to do that until I reached breaking point in my mid forties and came out to my wife , I knew I needed help as I was ceasing to function .

The other point you make is our wives/partners really aren't aware of the mental suffering some of us go through , it does tear some people apart , I felt my head was going to explode . My counsellor was surprised and slightly annoyed with the level of suppression I'd lived with .

Having those barbs thrown in your face really achieves nothing apart from I nearly ended my life through those circumstances , also I discovered later my wife hated herself for doing it .

I know I will upset some people but sometimes wives do want to hurt us for our gender issues , OK I appreciate they may feel hurt but they need to consider understanding is far more important , if her man has this need it must be a strong driving force for him to go down that road . At the end of the day no matter how much they try and deter it the need never goes away .

[Dutchess]

Then you just shouldn't get married Teresa . No one wants to hurt you for your "gender issues " . People are hurt period . They don't want to lose their husbands . I know you won't agree with that but its true , they don't want to lose the person they fell in love with and married . Fear and hurt do bad things to people .
It isn't just about the person who dresses and their needs . There are two people here involved in this . Everyone in the house has "needs' of one kind or another .

[SaraLin]

SaraLin, you are pretty close to understanding my situation and my reaction. I am a non confrontational pleaser who does deal with some low grade depression and anxiety. I am often my own worst enemy and I constantly make jokes out of everything as a way of protecting myself from the heavy conversations. Then there is the cult background which is something most will never understand. There is a lot to unravel with me.

Star, We seem to have a lot in common.
Non-confrontational pleaser? yes
Depression? Yup.
Anxiety? Um, not so much these days - but some still lingers when it comes to my "dressing" or "gender" issues.
Make jokes to avoid heavy subjects? Absolutely!
Cult background? - THANK GOODNESS I AVOIDED THAT ONE! (unless you want to think of "redneck" culture as a kind of cult?:heehee:)

But you didn't include one - and I bet it's there: Low self-esteem! Call me wrong if you want (please!), but I'm willing to bet that you put your desires and needs dead last because you don't think you're important. Right?

<sigh> I would love to tell you to have the "Honey, there's something we need to talk about" discussion with your wife, but then I'd be a bit of a hypocrite, since I can't do it either.
I guess if the pressure builds up enough, something will have to give.
Till then, hold on and remember that we're here for you - for support as well as if you need to vent.

[Teresa]

Dutches,
I agree providing dressing is the only issue , at the time I felt it was the excuse my wife was looking for , sometimes you have to accept people move on and the married status changes , people also fall out of love ! At the time we were both relieved we came to that decision . I'm sorry but you don't know my wife , of course she was hurt over discovering her husband was TG .

I've also said that I have no regrets about being married and raising my family and neither has my wife , we did have good times , there are some wonderful memories we still chat over and share , my children appreciate that and we still share caring for our grandchildren . I don't feel it's right to tell people " Don't get married " , the real problem looking back is we married the wrong person but these things happen irrespective of gender issues .

[Dana3]

For many of us, children of the 50's, 60's and such (Or even an elder generation; or even the current age) we simply lacked the access to information, let alone the information itself.

Rather most all of us, have been subjected to heavy handed social, cultural, family and even religious conditioning from Birth, as to what a Man ~ Masculinity ~ being Masculine is?

How to ~ Walk, Talk, Act, Sit, Dress,......
even how we're "Supposed to think as a man!

Many of us have been in denial of our desires ~ want ~ need to express our "feminine side" ~ Femininity.

There's no shortage of us that haven't experienced thinking we were surely the only male that has a want ~ need to express Femininity through dressing.

Thers no shortage of us who experienced self loathing, been through the purge cycle.

And there's no shortage of use of who went into heavily Masculine professions ~ careers (Law enforcement, military etc.) to earn, validate, prove and verify to others out Masculinity and status as men.

- - - Updated - - -

Many of us, have indulged in various substance abuse, in an effort to deny and bury our "Femininity. AKA ~"Feminine Side?"

Or to quote the late and GREAT Robin Williams, "Suicide on the Installment Plan!"

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Star,
I feel for you in so many ways, I am also a DADT, so yes, I lie to my wife too.... However, a mid sized SUV, I have changed my clothes in smaller. LOL
I wish you nothing but the best.
Take care Brenda

PS I live in the Portland, Oregon area if you wish to talk.

[Stephanie47]

Dutchess, perhaps gender issues should be taught in school; not elementary school, but, in those grades when sexual identity issues emerge. However, given the rabid response against teaching these issues it is not surprising there is a lack of information out there. Heaven forbid there is a discussion concerning gay marriage. There are many posts that have not been deleted which alludes to the oppressive thoughts floating around. Yes, I do agree, if some guy has full knowledge of his sexual identity and sexual orientation he should think carefully about his choices. Gays and lesbians should not be marrying shills anymore, but, they do because too many people in power will discriminate against them. The same with a transgender person. Ignorance is rampant in our society and too many people in power still want to oppress others.

As to the hurt wives experience because of the deceit I totally agree women have the right to express themselves to their husbands. I think what Teresa and certainly I are thinking is the crude and rude taunts that may be thrown which do nothing to enhance a discussion. It is no different if a husband was to call his wife an ugly fat cow because she gained some weight. Of course, the lack of civil discourse is not limited to issues of cross dressing in a marriage.

[Dutchess]

This is a bigger thing to us than you all think . The devastation to lose the man you fell in love to this can really make some people trip out .
Gay people rarely if ever marry shills anymore with gay marriage legal . The problem I am having is that I am not sure anymore how many people have actual gender problems . Some yes , I used to think more people than I do now , especially with so many Cd/Tg's with AGP and the huge amount of deceit I am seeing .

I am ok with the ones who are straight up about this for whatever reason . I have been doing a lot of reading as I am taking stock of my life after the last few years .. Now I am starting to worry more about the wives and S/Os of people like me and some of the wives here . I had to go my situation was just crazy with my ex husband and this left my 14 yr old and I at the time homeless for awhile. I didn't get to choose a home or receive anything to live on I was just out due to this . Ill never forget it .

Its always about the dresser and his needs. The wife is pretty much left to deal with whatever . Plus there are so few of us here , we all only hear one side and what that side wants us to hear . I've been in this TG world totally out of any closet for 2 decades now and I am really starting to become disillusioned .

Star you belong here just as much as anyone else . We are all trying to find our way and its not easy . I think many here are just in a bad way due to the sickness . I really think things will get better here for many people when things ease up a little .

[Aunt Kelly]

I believe that your comment "It's always about the dresser and his needs..." is as inaccurate as it is unkind. For the sake of brevity, we'll leave the pronoun thing alone, especially since we seem to be talking about cross-dressers. Let me stipulate right here that I agree that there are a lot of CD's who are selfish, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, etc., but their numbers pale in comparison to the unaccepting and inconsiderate spouses of MtF CD's. There's a big difference between "losing the man you fell in love [with]" and kicking him to the curb.
On the other hand, we are in complete agreement on the "huge amount of deceit". Anyone with gender issues who hides those issues from a partner in a committed relationship is not fully committed to that relationship. Deception almost never ends well, but with that said, we should probably acknowledge the many, many CD's who do not discover that their issues are not going away until well into marriage (or whatever arrangement). It should be safer for those people to open up. It is most definitely not in the majority of cases.

[Stephanie47]

"This is a bigger thing to us than you all think."

I remember your posts of several years ago. Based on your very descriptive narration of your former spouse I think you are totally justified at being irate and worse. And, you're correct there have been many posts on this forum with the husband basically throwing out there "Take it or leave!" Just this week I made a comment to such a comment that it was totally inappropriate. The attitude which was expressed was no different than telling a wife her position in a marriage is to be available for sex when he wants it, pump out some babies (preferable sons) and cook and do the laundry. Too many people woo a man or woman on their best behavior. Later, it all falls apart.

When my wife and I had "The Talk" she threw out some nasty comments, hurtful comments. After getting her composure back she reflected on things she told me before our marriage. Basically, I was totally in the dark about other secrets that were yet to come. Just based on what I knew I think most guys would have just melted away in the night. Later, she revealed other "secrets" with the proviso, "If you ever ask me about it, I'll divorce you!" Wow! I've been able to piece together all the tidbits. Of course, those secrets were secrets of the past to be kept in the past because she is not that woman. I understand the pain woman go through when their husbands change. For me, it is totally acceptable for a wife to throw the dishes at her husband upon the reveal. That's impulsive. To continuously to throw dishes or berate a husband does nothing to resolve the issues. I'd rather experience divorce than have two spouses be at each other's throat. If the guy is truly a pig, take him to the cleaners.

[Dana3]

I for one, am one who told my wife I was a crossdresser BRFORE we married. Not only that I emphasize that was a crossdresser the.day before we actually got married.

With that said. I.have NOT once in going on.9 years of marriage imposed my wants and needs upon my wife, nor have I indulged in cross dressing thr entire time we've been married.

I'm not in a DADT, relationship, nor is it discussed. I.don't own nor posses, nor have any clothing, makeup, lingerie, jewelry.

Its been my own personal experience in.three long term relationship with GG's, as well as observing other men and their relationships with wives ~ GF"s that it is the men that are expected to comform to the wants and needs of the women, make changes.
To subjugate not only their wants and needs, but goals, dreams and aspirations as well.

I myself am and have been in a intimate less marriage 💑

I married my wife because I love 💘 her and she's my best friend. She's not in the best of health, with multiple serious medical issues. Without me, even with Medicare, Medicare Part D, she couldn't afford many of the medications without my supplemental military retiree TriCare insurance. She would have to.live off $780 a month Social Security.

I.would suppose i.could force my wants and needs as a crossdresser, telling her to like it or leave?

But to.me that would make me nothing more a selfish, self centered, narcissistic piece of nothing indulging in emotional abuse.

She has enough on her plate dealing with very real day-to-day medical issues, without my adding to her stress.

- - - Updated - - -

With my "Starter Wife " of 11 years, my crosdressing was limited to wearing just panties.

On rare and occasional moments.

In our divorce, she got EVERYTHING from a eleven year marriage, child support ($100,000 plus) full tax credit for both children, walk a way without owning anything ~ debt free.

I.walked away with the clothes on.my back, my personal belongings and all the bills from the marriage to.include her car payment.

She married her third husband within weeks of the divorce.

To this day? I'm estranged from my two adult children (DD age 40, DS age 37) and still the worse and poorest excuse for a man, husband, and father that ever walked the Earth to this day.

What was her excuse for cheating and leaving me?

Because I was a "Work-A-holic"

Actually? I was a career United States Marine who was assigned duty at Marine Corps Recruit Depot, Parris Island, South Carolina.

Teo years as a Marine Drill Instructor, and three more as a Primary Marksmanship Instructor.

At 64, I'm still working a full.time job btw

[Cass42]

With my family,I talked them about going fulltime when I was 26 and my plans going fulltime at 27 years old.It was after we got home from a trip to Thailand,met so many ladyboys.Talked to them and saw some were like me.Mom saw it too and she was glad I met them taking pictures with them.It inspired me to go fulltime and it all worked out.Went back to Thailand 2 years later with my wife Dana getting my pictures taken with them as Cassie fulltime.Reunited with some I talked to and thanked them

[April Rose]

Star, does your wife at least know you are struggling? I am not talking about dumping your gender issues on her, but does she at least know you are in counseling and have at least some general idea why? My experience with women in general, and a long marriage in particular is that women want to know whats going on in their S.O.'s head.

In 2003 Barack Obama was against Gay marriage. A Lot of evolution in thought has taken place since then. If your wife is as liberal minded as your post indicates, perhaps her thinking has revolved as well. Either way, the "traditional male" stoic thing is a false flag. If you are struggling she has a right to know. Eighteen years is a long time between conversations.

[Sometimes Steffi]

The are some people who believe in fate, as in a higher power has a plan in mind for me, and she will reveal it to me when she's ready. I, however, believe in free will. I can think about my situation,make choices and take action to change my situation.

I'm in a DADT relationship. But, nonetheless, I can buy clothes, and pick them up without my wife knowing. When there's (free) will, there's a way. Think of something that you want to change and make a plan to change it.

For example, I found someone who would do a makeover for me, and had clothes, shoes and jewelry so I could have a photo shoot, looking even more beautiful than I ever imagined. However, it would require that I take a two-day trip out of town to accomplish it. It turned out that I got a trip scheduled to that city. I'll leave you guessing whether the trip was a real trip sponsored by my company or if I concocted the trip to meet my goals.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Star, I'm sorry you feel so stuck in this situation; also that you were feeling that some members of this forum had been critical of you. I read that other thread on "Lies and SO," and when reading other people's comments I think we need to look at the context of what they're saying, and their own circumstances. You're in a DADT relationship, and in that thread the whole topic of DADT should have been off the table entirely, when a married couple have essentially agreed to "keep things" from one another. That thread was really about what I'd call a NANT relationship--"Never Asked, Never Told," That's a whole different ballgame, and if people were condemning lies and omissions in that context, it's got nothing to do with you and your own situation.

Anyway I was glad to see you found so many friends and supporters coming out of the woodwork when you posted this thread. While there are things I could say, happily much of it has already been said by others here.

Anyway you never know how many friends you have. Not just here, but probably in your town as well. You may live in a small town, and it may be hidebound, but if it's the kind of place where people have lived there and known one another all their lives, then they've known you as a man and as a human being for a very long time. If they knew you were a crossdresser, would that really change their opinion of you very much?

[DianeT]

I think that the notion of "condemning" anyone in the other thread alluded to is a complete invention. Nobody was condemning anyone. We were characterizing what a SO may consider a lie even if the CDer sticks to "omission", and comparing the consequences (mostly the same). In France we call this "calling a cat, a cat". It has nothing to do with judging or otherwise moral considerations. Anyone feeling judged or thinking s/he is told s/he is a bad person should carefully read the posts again.

-- EDIT --
If all CDers experiencing difficulties want to hear in a thread is "you are so right and keep doing what you do", maybe create a dedicated section for that. But I think some (like me) need to make progress and welcome advices and criticism. Some have difficulties with their couple and may want real advice, not just comforting words (even if comforting words are useful, not questioning that). Some may be living out of reality and may need some information to get through (e.g. consequences for SO). Etc. We try to help these like some of us got help this way. People can listen or not. It may tear the pink fog and some don't like it. But at least we try. And we do this in good faith.

[Rogina B]

There are two people here involved in this . Everyone in the house has "needs' of one kind or another .

Very well put...And if they don't have the gumption to talk things out, then no progress is made.