Finding your femme identity

[beccadeath]

So if any of you have been following my "Introduction" thread, you may have seen where my wife is extra supportive since I came all the way out with her re: "Becca" (she does not yet know the name...which is maybe subject to change depending...)

Anyway, part of this discovery process for me is assembling a wardrobe. I'm finding it quite difficult, because some of the things I like to wear arent necessarily me/Becca...

I just dropped about $250 on some stuff...mostly ladies cut t's that m or f me would wear, but where I'm really struggling is...the "fancier" stuff...

I guess there's a difference between Becca's "everyday wardrobe" and when she wants to get all gussied up...

Is this something you all have struggled with in the past?

I just don't want to end up with like 30 crazy expensive things I'll rarely wear.

What was it like for you all when you were establishing your wardrobe? What worked for you to get over this "hump"?

[Karren H]

For me it was going to the stores and trying things on before I bought them. To make sure they fit and that they looked good on me. That way I could try combinations and colors. Love Kohl?s mainly for that reason.

I rarely ordered fem clothing online because they never looked or fit as good as they did the models! Lol.

[Cheryl T]

Gee, when I first began assembling a wardrobe it was basically one outfit as I was totally in the closet.
Because of when I began and all the image of femininity was, of course, over the top. The sexiest lingerie I could find. Garters and stockings, lacy bra and panty set, short tight skirt and revealing blouse. All things that made me feel incredibly sexy and feminine but also things I could never wear anywhere outside the house.
Over time that changed as my desire to be in public grew. I still gravitated to sexy lingerie but my outer wear was more "conservative". Not matronly, but things that I could wear out and not be gawked at or seen as a hooker :)
By the time I came out to my wife totally my wardrobe consisted of skirts, blouses and dresses that I could wear to a restaurant or such, but still not something for the mall without drawing too much unwanted attention.
Now if you look in my closet (that's where everything is) you would think that I have hardly any clothes and that my wife has a huge wardrobe. You could not tell my things from that of any other woman's closet. There are slacks and jeans, t-shirts, tank tops and blouses, skirts and dresses, nightgowns and shoes. Nothing would scream crossdresser, nothing is outrageous and I have outfits for all occasions just as anyone else would.
It's where I've always wanted to be. I just wanted to be an average gal, doing everyday things and now I am and I do.

[beccadeath]

Oh, Cheryl, I don't think I'll ever have the desire to go out in public...

I'm very open with my wife about everything now, but the possibility of running into my peers somewhere? Oof, no thanks! Not that I don't think many of them would be accepting, this is just my thing...I'm not doing it for anyone else and I don't necessarily want to have to explain it to them (if that makes sense, present company obviously excluded :D

But I think that's what I'm coming to understand...I don't always want to be "sexy Becca" just Becca...who is by her very nature a little bit sexy ;), though there are a couple of "extra" outfits that I have in mind that I probably won't pull the trigger on for a little while due to cost. Right now I'm just establishing a base.

Fortunately my wife's and my styles are fairly similar....largely warm colors and blacks. I'm trying to commandeer sections of the closet that are near hers just so everything blends in together and I no longer have to keep all of my shit in a travel bag anymore.:laughing:

[CynthiaD]

If you search online for "work dresses", "church dresses", "casual dresses" and the like, you'll find things that look nice without being over the top. Nothing beats shopping in person though.

[Stephanie47]

It's been a long time since I had the physique for "sexy" as in "trashy" attire. Perhaps being a child of the 1950's and 1960's has formed my presentation. Where I grew up in the 1950's and 1960's women did not wear pants. I can remember the sole divorcee in the apartment building being shunned not only for being divorced but also for wearing pants. Yikes! What's the world coming to. So, I have always gravitated towards dresses. It took a little trial and error to find that being six foot one was a hindrance to wearing dresses. Most women are in the five foot seven or shorter range which puts the natural waistline for dresses on a six foot one person too high on the chest. Sort of looks like a guy wearing his belt at his nipple line. Very bad visual. So, for me it is always dresses. Further it is dresses with no defined waistline; empire waist, sheaths and wraps. Although I fawn over displays of prom dresses I learned to stay away from them because I'd never be able to wear them any place. In my more compulsive days of trying everything I did buy two dresses totally suitable for an evening wedding; floor length. JCP had a great sales. I also bought several ankles length party dresses in solid colors at Christmas time one year. I have not purchased a dress in over two years. That leaves my total of dresses at 162. As some others on this site do I try to color coordinate my undergarments to the primary color of my dresses. I have an extensive collection of colorful slips that fall into the vintage category. If I have to classify my everyday look it is the average middle age woman working in a business environment. Maybe, also what a woman would wear entertaining a group of women at a dinner party. I cannot bring myself to buying any clothes that emulate a man. Heck, my wife grabs some of my male graphic tee shirts because she does not like the female cut. Too bad I cannot grab one of her dresses since we wear the same size. If I predecease her, she is going to have a nice selection of dresses to update her wardrobe or have a big bon fire.

[Maid_Marion]

I found it useful to check out the Discount Racks at Kohl's and Target.
If something new (to me)was really cheap and fit me I'd buy it just to experience wearing it for a while.

At the end of a Kohl's sale it was cheaper to buy sale items than to buy used clothing.

Marion

[Beverley Sims]

Most of my early wardrobe was from hand me downs from girls who boarded with me when I was twenty.

I was always impeccably dressed in those days.

It is a bit of hit and miss, the miss stores have a lot of unsuitable and cheap fashion so mistakes in purchase can be disastrous.

[Teresa]

Becca,
I found my identity when I went full time otherwise trying to find a balance is harder . I had to think hard what everyday meant , what to wear to do ordinary , everyday jobs , how much or little makeup to wear and choosing a wig that worked well for me . I now stick to the same wig and makeup , I don't experiment because it's my identity , people need to recognise me for that so they accept me .

I agree it's nice getting done up to the nines but a choice for everyday is possibly more important . My avatar picture was taken by a good friend in the art room where I attend my art sessions . Sometimes I'm the only one wearing a skirt , I was a little concerned at first but in fact most didn't notice .

It is a wonderful feeling to find your identity and be accepted for it .

[docrobbysherry]

From the very get go 25 years ago? I've never been attracted to anything NOT very feminine!:battingeyelashes:
No T shirts, jeans, or anything gender neutral or androgynous for Sherry!:sad:

I've always been attracted to sexy, over the top, fem clothing and looks!:daydreaming:

To save $$ I've bought most of my things from thrift stores!:thumbsup:

For years my enormous wardrobe includes many "probably wear it only once" clothing items!:heehee:

[Helen_Highwater]

Becca,

In trying to find my style I looked at what GG's of a similar age to me who dressed "well" were wearing. By well I mean with a degree of style that never goes out of fashion. As an ex engineer one of the rules I lived by was KISS, Keep It Simple Stupid. I feel that applies to how I dress in that I try not to over embellish my look. Clean lines, stay away from bling jewellery. If I wear heels I should be able to walk elegantly so nothing higher that say 8.5cm. I guess one of the ways you know you've found your style is if you look in the mirror and think that looks right.

If food shopping then simple straight or A line knee length skirt, flat boots or modest heels, things that allow me to blend into the background.

As for never wanting to go out, never say never. You won't be the first who gets frustrated at being confined by 4 walls and while there are those who will disagree, having experience the things I have it's my opinion every CD'er should experience being out at least once. Then say it's not for you.

[Diane426]

I personally feel mine has always been there. For a long time it was hidden by what was supposed to be my male self. Now I have no problem expressing the real me.

[beccadeath]

So...sidebar...

Is it a problem that I seem to disassociate myself from "Becca"

...like...she is me...I am her...

Why is this somehow a problem for me?

Gah!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Becca

There was a time when I never thought I'd go out of the house dressed. Then, once I went out dressed, I wanted to go out dressed whenever I dressed. Maybe that's not you, but never say never.

Until COVID, I had gone to the Keystone Conference 8 years running, with 500+ other girls like us!

[Cass42]

For me it was seeing some of the styles some TV show characters wore has been one of them.One has been Marya on Hogan's Heroes.Remember watching the reruns with her in them with my mom.Mom saw I liked her style very well

[docrobbysherry]

So...sidebar...

Is it a problem that I seem to disassociate myself from "Becca"

...like...she is me...I am her...

Why is this somehow a problem for me?

Gah!

This different for all of us, Becca. I think of Sherry in the 3rd person!:daydreaming:

[darla_g]

My style has evolved over the past twenty some years. I think like a lot of the gurls here i tended towards rather trashy looking clothes. I have gotten rid of those.

Over time i have acquired a lot of stuff, too much stuff so i am in the middle of a sort right now. Think about that when you are out shopping. I did get a lot of stuff from my local thrift shop. But they've had great stuff from time to time. I tend to really like Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren dresses but really only get it if i find it there or at Ross. Stockings i have been splurgin on more and more. Fiore from europe are the BEST!

Just learn to enjoy yourself and dress up!

[Jillcder]

Becca give it time you will me amazed with your progress especially with an Extra supportive wife and use going out in public as future goal its great incentive to get your very best look. Dont worry about your peers unless you live in a tiny town and your not with your wife chances are very good no one would recognize you. Enjoy your progression.

[Cheryl T]

Becca,
Not everyone wants to go out in public or needs to.
For me it was a natural progression. It was something I was driven to do. I wanted to be part of the world as a woman.

Your journey is yours. Do it as it works for you.

[Micki_Finn]

You’re asking the wrong person here lol. I got bored of street clothes pretty quickly and realized my true passion was in fashion and glamor so I just went with it and became a Drag Queen.

[Davina2833]

Cass42,

Your to young to appreciate Hogan's Heroes. Its the best. You are right, Marya is very pretty.

Davina

[Devi SM]

This is an interesting thread because talks about "identity" buy I'm afraid that would be touch just superficially because paying attention and what we dress.

When I started in hormones my life completely changed and found that my identity wasn't about dressing. Please don't get me wrong, I read many trans people there saying they can be in male and keep feeling as a woman, that's ok, weird but ok for them not for me. What I dress express what I am.

I remember being dressed, when a male, with suit, tie, fancy elegant shoes, feeling like business man and I feel more respected and important (silly me)
and I could walk and act like a gentleman. So what we wear affect our behavior.

When looking for my identity as a crossdresser, I pick just sexy mini skirts, hot lingerie, etc.

When I start "full time" all that silliness went away.
I'm a 61 years old woman but in my spirit I feel younger so I'd like to wear mini skirts to show my beautiful legs, or wide chest open blouses to show my boonies buy it doesn't go with how people see me. Additionally to that, I'm councious about the visibility we, transwomen, must achieve, and I don't want to project a distortions image of sexual people.

For me now, my identity is not in what I dress but who I am and what I dress must be in armory but just as the external expression of the internal femenine spirit I am.

So talking about my wardrobe, the first one was hide in my cat, just provocative sexual attires, when open to my wife, start buying more "decent" but equally sexy stuff, when "full time" I get rid of all that old sexy clothes and now it's like a woman in her 40's most oriented to a casual business.

There's a huge difference on being a crossdresser that lives dreaming, looking to fulfill an identity, and be a real woman that must live 100% of the time as one that already find her identity, to dress pass to a second or third place in priorities because soon I complete my wardrobe and I don't plan too much what to wear, I got the rhythm of everyday life routines....

Just saying,

Devi San Martin

[beccadeath]

That is a very interesting take, Devi and I really appreciate your insight...

I think to a degree this is me externally talking out some of my internal stuff re: gender identity overall. For years now I've been doing the double life thing and it all just boiled over here recently...my wife, as much of a freaking champion as she is, seems to be a little conflicted over the gender identity stuff on my end as well.

I keep reassuring her that "Becca" (again, she doesn't know about the persona...etc) is not who I want to be full time, just a part of me that I want to explore and have her be fully comfortable with. It's definitely a balance and I guess where I'm at right now is trying to find that balance WHILE assembling a wardrobe :)

As I keep saying...it has been a week! I worry I've overwhelmed her...but I mean, I've been a little overwhelmed myself if I'm being honest...so I'm glad that she cares enough to worry about what it means re: our future. She mentioned today that she loves the male me and she's not attracted to females...and I'm just like...can't you just love all of me? So...we're still adjusting a bit, but I'm pretty confident this will work out.

[char GG]

She mentioned today that she loves the male me and she's not attracted to females...and I'm just like...can't you just love all of me?

I don't think it's unusual for a woman not to be attracted to the female form. It really has nothing to do with "loving all of you". She obviously loves you.

I love my hubby and if he wants to dress like a woman sometimes, that's ok. I'm just not physically attracted to "that look" (if that makes sense). I still love the person that I married. I wouldn't be attracted to a face tattoo either but I would still love the person.

Kudos to you for being honest and allowing your wife explore this side of you - along with you. You may get a lot of questions at various times. It's just important to keep the lines of communication open and honest.

Good job!

[beccadeath]

thanks char! good to know from the GG perspective, especially seeing as my wife isn't...how should i put it..."there yet"(?)

Like, on the one hand I was offended...but on the other I appreciate that she seems to think I'd pass enough for her to find me unattractive :D

[Cheshire girl]

I started buying clothes that were a bit too dressed up. Regularly my wife would say that I looked great but like I was going to a wedding. Establishing a slightly more relaxed look was a big step forward. Now I buy smart clothes and save the mire formal attire for evening wear.

[Dutchess]

Getting un- offended would go a long ways in your favor . You cannot shame someone into liking this or give someone a hard time until they do , depending on how you are when you are dressed , getting all upset about this is a good way to make sure she never gets "there " etc .
I never cared one way or the other how someone dresses as long as they could still continue on with normal life , that was very important and that they didn't become someone else. However , because I am a straight female , I am probably never going to find this very attractive /sexy . Has nothing to do with how your clothes look OR the love I have for someone , I am just not into the female form . That does not mean I can't be supportive though , not at all .

[beccadeath]

Dutchess, that is absolutely fair! ...and thank you for calling me out and setting me straight.

I guess I just want her to want me regardless of how I'm dressed...and I'm certainly not willing to take any steps that would permanently change any of the physical features that she fell in love with.

This is sort of a sidebar topic though...I'm still navigating the whole of it now that I've opened up to her about it. Still finding my way and the "new normal" in our lives. I worry you may be reading too much into my statement regarding her "getting there"...It's for sure a team effort. Both of us learning the new boundaries. ...everything that was done in private is now more public, so I think it's just a matter of time before we are both comfortable.

[Dutchess]

Well I know that alot here see me as pretty grumpy but I just want everyone to have the best life possible - BETTER than mine . That's for sure . She will want you regardless as long as you stay you . Too many have these alt personalities( which I am actually not sure are present in real life ) that develop and we lose the person we knew and loved . My late companion was out totally , I just saw the dressing as decor really but he made that easy . I didnt have to change anything .

[beccadeath]

I really really appreciate your perspective here and I am also so very sorry for your loss.

I don't necessarily want to have an alternate personality maybe just an alternate gender...temporarily...occasionally. I really don't want to do anything that would risk losing the woman I've spent 20 years dedicating my life to. Honestly she and I have talked about it a bit...because she knows me better than anyone, and ultimately when I did a brief online shopping spree I opted for a more feminine version of what I usually wear. I think she and I are both freaking out over nothing and just adjusting to me being open with her. This all really came from me hitting a wall with the secrecy...she knew I liked to dress up, but I don't think she knew the frequency or exactly what lengths I was going to (ie. home-made breast forms, tucking)...so I think it just seems more sudden to her than it really has been and we're just dealing with that fallout.

Please don't let your perceived grumpiness get in the way of keeping it real with me! :) This is the kind of perspective I'm here for.