Guilt again

[Maria 60]

During the week my son called me and asked me if I time to have a conversation with him and asked if it could be private. My family is my world and told him of course I have time for him and he came by the house. We had a almost 2 hour conversation and I was very surprised that he turned to me with this and not a close friend.
When we were done I thanked him for feeling free with me and that he can tell me anything and I will never be judgmental and he's always my son and I will always be proud of him.
He told me growing up that I always told him not to be afraid or embarrassed to tell me anything and he's always been very open with me and that was because I never did judge and I would except whatever situation came to me. At that point I got a pain in my chest, a pain of guilt because I wasn't practicing what I was preaching. I looked at him and almost shaking my head to my own disappointment that I couldn't do the same thing he just did with me.
I told him that I'm not perfect and that I also have faults and that hopefully he could see it as the saying "Do as I say, not what I do".
He told me it took time for him to tell me what he told me and when I'm ready I could talk to him to about whatever I want. We got up and hugged and thank GOD I was blessed with great children, but I walked away with a heavy heart and still do.
When I told my wife about the conversation she told me I'm really hard on myself and she's more then sure there are things he's never told me and not to flatter myself there are worse things I could have been. She told me that I have nothing to be ashamed about and that I'm a great father and not to look to much into it and instead of feeling guit I should feel flattered that our children talk to me about anything. I guess as usual shes probably right but sometimes this situation really sucks. Thought I would share, I had to let it out.

[Angela Marie]

You are lucky to have such an understanding wife. She is absolutely correct.

[GretchenM]

Maria, I think you should take what your wife said to heart and not be so hard on yourself. That said, many of us have a tendency to experience feelings of guilt and shame when a situation arises that we need to more or less disclose something held closely and is a bit of a secret. Saying one thing and doing another is not unusual at all. We know what is right, but other things that come from past experiences can interfere and cause us to pull back when it comes to us implementing what we say.

That reaction is a really simple circuit in the brain and it is almost automatic. The trick is to get beyond that initial feeling by recognizing our good aspects and acting on those while not being hard on ourselves out of habit for being different or a bit less than honest in some ways. The situation does suck; been there many times. But listen to what she says and counteract your reaction with acceptance of her perspective of you. The guilt reaction is a simple circuit, but it is easily modified into something less debilitating by accepting and recognizing the good aspects of who you are. You can use the guilt to overcome it and learn and apply the opposite to that in your thoughts that generates an irrational guilt reaction.

[kimdl93]

Gretchen makes a very helpful observation and suggestion. Emotion is basically an automatic response... something that works well in simple circumstances and not so well in others. Its great advice to use that guilt response as a trigger for other more positive thoughts. I will try that myself.

[Julie MA]

We all have things we keep private. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. We don't have to share everything with everyone. It's your choice what, and with whom, you share.

Julie

[Judy-Somthing]

I know how you feel.
Two of my children know I have dressed on occasion but I'm pretty sure my oldest that thinks the world of me doesn't know.

My wife thinks it would crush him.

I do hate having a secret.

[Stephanie47]

Maria, you're fortunate to have a wise and understand wife. It is obvious from all your posts that your cross dressing has not and probably will never become a "deal breaker." Most of us live with that fear; rejection. One thinks revealing secrets will not change anything, but, sometimes it does. It's the unknown. Will it change the dynamics of a relationship? It's hard enough trying to muddle through life with a wife who is not supportive than adding other family members. Personally, considering my life partner of fifty years is not supportive I rather take my chances winning the lottery than testing the waters with others.

[Beverley Sims]

Shed the guilt and shame, if your children trust and respect you count it as a bonus.

They do not need to be destroyed by the private you.

You do not need to confide in them that way.

[Rachelakld]

One thing I ask, what GOOD would it do for the listener?

IF it doesn't improve things for the listener, then I wouldn't tell, if it did amazing things for them, then I would tell (if it doesn't hurt others).
Confession are great for those who confess, but often, not so good for the person who hears it.

As a dad, it's more important for me to be the listener, not the talker.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Maria :hugs:, That is a great thing that your son can open up to you.

This program that we are in can be a real burden sometimes, >Orchid**o:daydreaming:o**

[Patricia_Campi]

Maria, I have 2 things to say

1- You don?t have great children, you raised them to be great! ;)
2- You wife is right, don?t be so hard on yourself. Think about you, have you ever told your parents everything?? There are things that are ours, only ours!

Seems like you did a great job. I am at the beginning of my journey on raise a child. Gonna get your example. :D

Best Regards

Patricia