Fantasizing about being outed and no-one caring!

[Gilly68]

Lately, I've been having a recurring fantasy where my family discover something, maybe a bra, maybe tights that I've left out by accident.

I'm mortified, so embarrassed, but they just laugh it off and say oh yes, we've known for years, since you used to dress in mum's clothes when you were a teen!

And I burst into tears from the years of bottled up frustration and fear and being found out.

Does anyone else, who's still in the closet have similar dreams or fantasies, or is it just me :) ?

[Stephanie47]

I am assuming you're fantasizing when awake and not dreaming. I have had dreams of being accosted when fully en femme and out in the world. In those dreams it did not go well. I do fantasize about being accepted by my wife and getting a pat on my butt while I am cooking at the kitchen stove fully en femme.

[Gilly68]

To be honest, it's been a bit of both, usually when I'm awake, but I've had the occasional dream where it happens.

I think the word that I would use when I have my fantasy for how it makes me feel is 'yearning', if you know what I mean!

[Natalie5004]

I dream of being dressed almost every night. I have not dressed since Tuesday due to a medical thing. I am starting to feel stressed about it.

I really wish I could dress whenever I want at home without the wife batting an eye. She knows, she counted my clothes and shoes last week and commented that I had better womans clothes than her. Mine are newer.

[Alice Torn]

Have had a number of dreams of being out and outed, and was not much fun!

[Gilly68]

My fantasies are more about the relief of my family saying they've always known I dress, and it's fine!

Of course, I don't think that's how things would go in reality though unfortunately.

[docrobbysherry]

Yes, it CAN get weird, Gilly. About 8 years ago I had to tell my 2 adult daughters and ex. Because the one daughter still lived with me and had nearly caught me a number of times!:doh:

The one that lived with me did NOT like it! And, my ex went screaming, paranoid, nuts!:eek:

[kimdl93]

I vaguely recall a recent dream or nightmare to that effect. The strange thing is that I know they know. And I suppose they know I know they know.

[Gilly68]

Yes, it CAN get weird, Gilly. About 8 years ago I had to tell my 2 adult daughters and ex. Because the one daughter still lived with me and had nearly caught me a number of times!:doh:

The one that lived with me did NOT like it! And, my ex went screaming, paranoid, nuts!:eek:

That's what would terrify me! I live alone, but I'm close to my dad and my other family, and the thought of them not being able to accept it and ruining my relationship, sends shivers down my spine.


I vaguely recall a recent dream or nightmare to that effect. The strange thing is that I know they know. And I suppose they know I know they know.

I don't think my family know. But who knows! That's sort of why I wish I didn't have a choice, by them finding something they shouldn't, so the decision is made for me.

[Teresa]

Gilly,
Very often the fiction is a long way from fact , our fears can take over because of the unknown ! After three years of being full time the World has far from ended and come crashing in on me . I haven't lost any of my family and most of my old friends haven't turned their backs on me and now I have more new friends than I ever had in male mode .

My daughter once said , " They are only clothes !" in some respects she was right but I now see them as a window of my inner feelings , so I have the right to express my inner feelings as other people do .

Just to take up Sherry's point , my ex-wife has seen me once when she dropped in for coffee and bring me the marriage certificate so I could proceed with the divorce . She threw her arms in the air and said , " Oh it's horrible , I can't deal with it !" She manged to stay for an hour while we went through the paperwork and then left . After three years my son finally stopped off for coffee , he took one look and asked if I'd made a special effort for him so I replied this was the normal ME ! I go out regular with my daughter and my mother and sister now accept I go for Sunday lunch every two weeks .

Most of those old fears have drifted away and life is good . Just to add my avatar was taken by a friend in the art room where I attend my painting group .

[CharlotteCD]

"They are only clothes" is a double edged sword for me.

My point of view: Yes, it's only fabric, so why are you getting upset about it?
My wife's point of view: It's only fabric, so why do you feel the need to wear something that's not designed for your bodyshape?

You could repeat ad infinitum on this argument.

I've tried to explain, but she doesn't get it. I think the only thing that got through to her was the 1-10 levels of transgender scale description.

[Sarah Doepner]

I was out only to my wife and after she passed away I was tossed back in the closet. Eventually I realized I needed to tell my adult kids. When I sat down with my daughter and told her, she smiled and said "We were wondering when you were going to tell us." One son had discovered my "secret" a couple years before my wife found out, shared it with his siblings and they all kept it to themselves as no big deal.

So several years later as I began to transition I started coming out to others in my life, family, old friends and even old co-workers (law enforcement), and none of them really cared either. Now I've been on hormones for several years, legally changed name and gender, and just finished breast augmentation and as long as I promise to invite folks over when BBQ season starts, or can go camping or to concerts with them, they still don't really care.

I can't say my experience would be yours, but your fantasy may be more attainable than you assume. Sometimes the fear is for good reasons, but sometimes we manufacture it based on our insecurities. I can't tell you how to figure that out, we all walk our own path.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

My fantasies are more about the relief of my family saying they've always known I dress, and it's fine!

Of course, I don't think that's how things would go in reality though unfortunately.

That clarifies things considerably, Gilly, I had trouble figuring out from your earlier posts why you would "yearn" for a fantasy like this, when the feeling you described seemed to be humiliation (hence the tears), and the implication seemed to be that your family members were laughing at you. But that doesn't seem to be the case, and I gather now that since their fantasized reaction is "no big deal," the tears are actually tears of relief from all those fears and years of frustration. That's far more understandable.

A pity if that's not their real attitude. But still, you never know until you try...

[docrobbysherry]

Yeah, rite!:heehee:

And, breast forms, wigs, make up, hi heels, girdles, butt pads, jewelry, etc., etc!:devil:

[Karren H]

Nope. Never had that fantasy.... mine are usually more X rated and sometimes involve a cow milking machine.... but never a cow... Lol. Mooooo

[Sandi Beech]

Gilly,

Unfortunately fantasy and reality do not always line up with each other. In retrospect, I think I fantasized that my wife would come to learn that my wearing pantyhose etc did not really change anything, and that she would just let it slide. So as I tried over and over just to get slapped down, I eventually learned that acceptance will never happen for me. I almost wish I had never tried as it caused a lot of conflict and stress for both of us.
Now I stay grounded in my reality. Keep it to myself.

Sandi

[Crissy 107]

And I burst into tears from the years of bottled up frustration and fear and being found out.

Does anyone else, who's still in the closet have similar dreams or fantasies, or is it just me :) ?

Gilly, With as many members as we have any dream or fantasy you may have has happened to at least a few of us.
That said we may have found the exception with Karren and her cow milking machine...

[Ressie]

I don't fantasize this situation but I have had those kind of dreams. People (family etc.) in the room can see that I'm wearing something fem but they don't seem to notice at all! But I don't recall ever being totally en femme in these types of dreams.

[GretchenM]

Gilly, I guess I don't really fantasize about being outed, but I do think about it a good deal, or at least I did in the not too distant past. I tend to run various scenarios of being outed more widely to try and come up with some idea of what the full range of reactions could be. Then I think about how I would handle those situations if they were to occur. Some of my family know something about my being gender variant. To those who know it actually went far better than my scenarios concluded.

For the most part, I think Teresa is correct in that it will actually go better than we suspect it will. But there will be those who will think you have lost your marbles and need to be "dealt with" to bring you back to your senses. I have a few family members who are that way and it is like walking on eggs around them with most anything that is inconsistent with their view of what should be.

The fact is you have a right to be who you are, just as everybody else has a similar right. Of course, if you engage in antisocial behavior then you probably should be "dealt with," but most of us just want to be who we are and, like everybody else, reasonably accepted. It is sometimes hard for cisgender people to understand what it is like for us or what motivates us - they don't have those feelings and many really don't want to know or even have those feelings. In fact, most do have those feelings but because they are a minor part of who they are perhaps they just pass them off as a part of being human.

Oh my gosh, perhaps it is just a matter of magnitude and scale. We just have a lot more of that trait and characteristic than they do. In us it creates a major part of who we are as people. Maybe it is normal for some to be more or less our way but most just don't have those strong feelings? Maybe, as the old book title said, "I'm OK; You're OK."

[Gilly68]

Gosh! Thanks for all the very thoughtful responses.

I think what has been said about it going better than I would fear if I did talk to my family might be very true.

However, the fear of being rejected by my family, unlikely as that might be, is what is keeping me firmly quiet, as I've always been a very anxious type of person, worrying about the worst that could happen, unlikely as it might be, and the worry of them not taking it well means I just can't talk to them at the moment.

I'm hoping that as I get more comfortable with crossdressing and my feminine side in private again, after a long break after purging, I might be more relaxed and confident in talking to my family about it.

[CharlotteCD]

I always thought my wife would leave me if she found out. She didn't, and 3 months later we were still trying for a child together. Somtimes things aren't as bad as they may seem.

My parents on the other hand would certainly disown me. The amount of comments from my father punching down on trans people confirms that i'll just be ridiculed and pushed out of the family.

[XemmaX]

Im out the closet but i do have Fantasies about it being less of an issue or a talking point for people. I get abit tired of answering questions from people.

[Karren H]

Gilly, With as many members as we have any dream or fantasy you may have has happened to at least a few of us.
That said we may have found the exception with Karren and her cow milking machine...

I am betting that as many members as there are here that I am not the only one that is not lactose intolerant... in my fantasies! Lol.

[Christina89]

I do have recurring dreams where I am dressed an freely walking around and my family doesn't say anything and there's times where I'm running around frantically trying to change clothes or put a shirt and pants on when I'm just wearing a bra and panties. But no one says a thing.

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
I had exactly the same thoughts about my father and I mentioned this point to my mother recently , I have to admit I was surprised by her reply , all she said was , " You'd be surprised !" I didn't pursue the point but I now wonder what was my father hiding for her to make that comment ?

Gilly,
It will come to a point where you will be strong or brave enough to start to tell people , once you've started the ball rolling it gets easier because as the net widens it has less of an impact . Consider the alternative of fearing who may catch you out and leave you hiding away in the closet .

Three years ago when I separated from my wife and moved to my new home I found excuses fairly quickly to tell all my neighbours , I was determined to nip the gossip in the bud , now I never go out out in male mode , it's reached the point where I hade away , the only reason is every few months I have to see my grandsons , they consider them too young to understand so I'm just biding my time because I know it's going to happen .

[Cheryl T]

I did lots of fantasizing about being discovered when I was younger.
It was a mix of emotions. Some were wonderful where I was found out by someone accepting who helped me and some were horrible where I was outed and ostracized. I'm so glad they were just fantasies.

[Claire M]

I have had thoughts of how easy life would be if something happened .. run into someone I know while dressed, get in a car accident while dressed, have a medical emergency while dressed, .... Whatever the cause, I am outed to a lot of people ... possibly the entire community. I'm sure i would initially be mortified but I'm sure life would return to some normalcy in a short time. But the whole coming out thing would be over in a single, tho possibly painful event. Just tear the bandage off and move on!!