Marriage before the tell. . .

[Sabine Janus]

Curious what the relationship between the marriage before the spouse knew and the reaction.

Obviously this applies only to people who told the spouse AFTER the marriage.

I would assume that if the marriage was rocky to begin with that this could be the killing blow, but if the marriage was good before that there might be a rough patch, but it would survive.

In no instance could I imagine a BAD marriage suddenly improve witht he disclosure of this particular "hobby"

[sara66]

You always think you can stop dressing. I was married for 11 years before I told my wife, more i blurted it out. I was going through some stressful times and everything came surging foreword. She took ot very well. We talk for a couple hours. I told her that i wanted to start dressing again. She agree and the next day i was off to the races and haven't looked back. She still doesn't want to see me dressed (that's ok). We talk about it occasionally. Overall life is good.
Sara, :o

[Karren H]

I did not tell... for over 25 years. Never planned to tell either but she discovered some of my things I had left that morning in the closet. I was out on a business trip fully enfemme since I did not have to meet anyone and she called me on the cell.... boom! So I told her. lots of crying... she was upset too! Thought she was going to leave but she didn?t. That was 17 years ago and it has been rough at times. She still hates my hobby but as long as I keep it out of her face she is ok with me as her husband. Still have not regained that trust I lost with her on that day. It is all y fault. Should have told her before but in the 70s was not exactly acceptable to do this. Still my fault and wish she had never found out.

[SaraLin]

Well, let's see...

In my first marriage, I didn't tell her before we got married. Then came the day she found my (tiny) stash. Lots of tears, talks, and more tears later - I thought she'd come to accept this part of me. But then one day while helping me shop for something pretty, she made the comment "I must be as sick as you are." Eventually the marriage crumbled.

I remarried, and again didn't tell her up front. I stupidly thought (again!) that love would overcome the urges. I was wrong and eventually had to come out to her. She seemed OK with it, and we had some good times, but this marriage was doomed from the start. She had told me the truth when she said she couldn't seem to stay with one man for more than three years. Of course, she blamed my dressing, but we both know better. Ah well.

After that, I resolved to tell anyone I got involved with before things got too serious. I dated some. None of the ladies went running for the hills, but most of them were not looking for what I had to offer and moved on.

There was one lady I loved dearly and who wholeheartedly accepted my feminine self. We might have married, but she had a bad drinking problem and wasn't interested in stopping. I wasn't going to allow myself to go down with her, so we had to part ways. She would still call me "girlfriend" whenever we talked - no matter how I was dressed at the moment.

After a few years of getting to know and accept myself better, I met my current (AND LAST!) wife. She knows but isn't on board with all of it. We have a set of ground rules about my dressing. Of course I would like more freedom, but I respect her feelings too, so a compromise is only fair.

[jenabrooks]

My first marriage I didn?t tell I thought I needed to get married because that was why I crossdress. I finally told her she said I would have to find someone else marriage lasted 9 years.
Second marriage I told her on first date and she said If that means that much to me she could live with it thats been 29 years last month. Life is good

[Ineke Vashon]

I have lived alone for many years. Never ever thought that some day it would have one great advantage. The freedom to dress at home all the time.

Ineke :battingeyelashes:

[kimdl93]

It applies to both those who tell before and after. I never really told my first wife...it just sorta emerged over months after we married. As long as it stayed a bedroom thing it was tolerated and wasn’t a major factor in the divorce.

In the case of my second wife, I told her what I believed to be true at the time, which was that I was a cross dresser, but had no inclination to dress fully nor to go further. Over time, that perception of myself changed for whatever reason. That change over time along with other behaviors eroded trust and, in her eyes, made me someone other than the person she had married 16 years before.

[Star01]

I married in 1970 at around 19. I didn?t know that the kink I was involved in at 12 was going to ever come back. At the time I could say in good faith that I didn?t think there was anything to reveal. That?s how this works for some of us older ones who grew up when it was not accepted by society. Many of us found ourselves getting hit by the urge to dress in our 40?s and beyond and only then did we realize it was even a thing. That has been my experience.

[Pumped]

I had dressed early on and quit when I got married to my first wife. That marriage broke up for other reasons and I got married to my current wife. We have been married for 38 years. A few years ago I started traveling for my job and that made dressing possible again. Of course I got sloppy and she found out. It was a struggle for maybe a year. I purged and promised to stop. I was miserable and she noticed it. One day we sat down and talked and she gave her blessing to start dressing again and she explained I was in a better place mentally while dressing, so go ahead, but she didn't want to see it. This slowly evolved to me dressing when she is home, and she even shops with me now.

We had a great relationship before and still do and I am certain that is what got us through it.

[Cheryl T]

Tired to broach the subject before marriage.
She would wear a nice dress and pantyhose and we'd start fooling around. I would make a comment on how great it must feel to wear stockings or would ask how it felt to wear a dress but she failed to take the opening.
About 10 years married and she finds photos and goes silent for 3 days. Finally I get her to talk and she asks "who is she?". Who is who I ask. "Her" is the reply. Round and round till she finally says "the woman in the pictures I found" and shows me. I start laughing ... didn't go over well ... and say "that's me".
"yeah right, WHO is SHE !!"
Ok, wait here and off I go to get my stash. Then I show her. Let's see, brown cowl neck dress, chocolate stockings, brown platform shoes, long brown wig ... see, I wasn't cheating, it was me. Then I wait for the shortness of breath, heart attack and her collapsing on the couch. None of that, no yelling, no screaming, no throwing stuff happens. I simply get the age old question ... WHY?

Well for a few weeks we talked and cried ... lots of crying (ME) and she never left. Now she's fully accepting and we are closer than ever and I no longer steal time from her to dress. I dress and spend all that time with her.
I'm one of the very lucky ones....

[Stephanie47]

I met my wife when we were in the army. I had not worn any women's clothing in years. I did think whether I should bring up some youthful activities I had not done in many years. At the time it was just a fleeting memory. So "What would you do?" Sounds like that television show. I just chalked it up as a distant memory. After marriage the desires crept back. I love the feel of nylon. I loved adorning my wife in sexy lingerie. One night I tried on one of her nightgowns which was the one I bought her. She walked in on me in the kitchen sipping a glass of water with it on. She asked why? I told her I liked the feel of the nylon. We did end up buying me several nighties and some hosiery. It was treated as nothing more than some bedroom kink. After a while I started buying nylon full slips. I did not try to hide them. They were kept in a box in the bottom draw of my armoire. About 1983 our second born child, a daughter, opened the draw, the box and yanked out a vivid red Vanity Fair bra I had bought. My wife asked "Why would a man buy a bra when he has nothing to pack into it?" Valid question. That's when the wheels fell off the bus. It was a rough time. I did bring up the fact I had tried on my mother's clothing in my youth. She thought I should have disclosed that fact. "Lying by omission?" Guilty? Guilty of not disclosing some youthful behavior I thought had gone into the history books? Debatable? She had not disclosed some very sordid details after we were married which probably also fall under "lying by omission." She said it would have been two-faced to throw me out (end the marriage). She said, she had wished she never told me of her sordid past because it would have made it easy for her to just walk away. Thirty years after we were married she found out some of my issues dealt with killing people and watching fellow soldiers killed. That was alright. Rather be married to a combat infantryman with all its baggage than a cross dresser? So, we do not talk about either subject.

[JocelynJames]

My first marriage failed and she never knew I dressed. I feel every marriage has secrets, but the bigger the secret , the more stress keeping it. On my second ( and final) marriage now. I told her 5 1/2 years into the marriage. I was a typical marriage before that though. Work , family , vacations , ups and downs ,etc. I only had a few items and dressing would be very intermittent . She told me after I ?fessed up that she never knew or even suspected , that I seemed very much the ? manly man? . I think that was partly why she was mad for a bit- I had been ?lying? for about 7 years. We?re a much stronger couple now as a result. She fully agrees and says our love is deeper than previously as well.

[DianeT]

Hi Sabine, I told my wife 36 years into our relationship. It took me years to build up enough courage and cross that bridge. That was 17 months ago. It sure rocked the boat and my wife is still recovering from the blow. She's posting in these forums. Lost trust is the main sore point but she tries hard to believe me again when I tell her things. On my end I try to meet her halfway by switching from an habit of keeping secrets to full disclosure mode about my intimate thoughts and practices.
Not sure why you ask this question in the first place but I hope it helps you.

[CharlotteCD]

My wife found out a year into our marriage. She accidentally found my stash, and confronted me. The usual are you gay etc questions. She didn't like it, I explained how I don't know why I do it, I just have to.

Fast forward 11 months later, and things had been fine. They she accidentally opened my post and found it was some lace underwear I'd ordered (and had been told was lost in the system!)

Cue discussion number 2, reiterated all of the above, explained the trans scale and where I sit on it, that I don't want her to see my fully dressed, she doesn't want to see it either. Two months later we decided we would have a child together, and here we are the best part of 18 months later and we're still together.

It's rocky, and I struggle with my situation on a daily basis, but I love my wife and daughter, and do what I can to get by and be who they want me to be.

[Territx]

Charlotte -- congratulations on the baby girl and being able to talk to each other while coming to an "understanding". Wish I had some prophetic advise - then I would publish it and live off the royalties. Even though I have not had to go through this specific issue (and hope that I never do) I have found most things in marriage involve some degree of compromise. Good luck.

[RADER]

First marriage, I told her after we where married for about 2 years,at 9 years, we where divorced.
single for about 15 years, met my new wife on blind date. I told her after 3 dates.;on the 5 date,
She asked to see e dressed. All I had at the time was a few skirts and 2 tops. She sad is that all
there is, and I said yes.I assured her that I did not want to become a woman. e where Married
6 months later. We were together for 19 years, Until she passed on.

[darla_g]

My situation was perhaps much different from most. I had crossdressed as a teen but quickly gave that up when i was a little overzealous and shaved half my eyebrows off. Not well received by classmates! Didn't really think about it for years

Fast forward maybe 25 years later when we got invited to a costume party for Halloween (the mega holiday for CDers!) I was married had a good relationship. My wife actually helped me quite a bit for the party and even helped me shave off all my body hair. Bought a wig, shoes, clothes for the outfit. it was quite a nice outfit, a few pics remain. But afterward found a new home for the shoes and outfit was donated.

The revelation was maybe a few days later afterward when i mentioned that i had a great amount of fun and wanted to do it again! Things were always good, but maybe at a point we had "the talk".
Things eventually evolved to a wonderful situation , she has her limits which i am certainly good at. But she helps me, is my primary photographer. I am very happy being a CD but have no interest in transitioning or anything like that. Pink fog can be a dangerous thing.

[Judy-Somthing]

Long story short.


Got married at 21, didn't tell her.
She saw me dress up for 4 Halloween Parties.
The Pink Fog somewhat faded.
After 35 years of marriage, Pink Fog came back strong, I told her.
She took it very bad, said we'll stay together for the family.
Now I'm deep in the closet!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

[GracieRose]

I didn't tell her when we got married because I thought that it would go away now that I was married.
About 10 years later, it was obvious that it doesn't go away, so after much trepidation, I told her. I didn't like keeping a secret from her. I couldn't explain it since I certainly don't understand it.
She tolerates it, but I haven't told anyone else because she would be mortified if anyone else found out. If anyone else finds out, I suspect that out marriage will be tested.

[Connie D50]

Seven days away from 44 years of marriage. I did not tell her before we married like many I started dressing young, Again like others no matter how many time you snuck into your mom's or sisters closet you think I can stop. It didn't take long to enjoy the new and very convenient closet of my wife's. In the first few months I didn't come out and tell her I kind of started to play around in the role playing games. Then I told her it was something I did when I was young and how much I enjoy it. She played a long, of course I over did it. She got mad I slowed down. We go on the same roller coaster even today (2 daughters 7 grandchildren later) The only difference is now I have my own closet ok I lied again my own one in a half closet full of my own cloths :-).

[GretchenM]

When we got married there were only momentary hints of what had dominated my younger life. I was deeply embroiled in graduate school and had far too much to do in my life than to be concerned about dressing or expressing any kind of outward female-like behaviors. The moments were fleeting at the most and did not last long enough to have sufficient time to do anything more than put on lipstick and then wipe it off as the She vanishes. Life continued to be very busy and hectic for the first 10 years. Then, wham, she came back - big time. In some ways it was like I was 8 years old again. I dove deep into the closet and stayed there until 2012 when the Big Reveal had to happen.

My wife is not very talkative about issues, but I could tell she was deeply hurt by my secretiveness during all that time. She tolerates a little bit of underdressing but does not want to see or meet Gretchen. It is workable but still like walking on eggs. I have explained a lot about the behavior (she is also a biologist), theories of origin, patterns, etc. But she resists a good deal. It is not a deal breaker, but it does limit me. That is OK. I can compromise and so can she, but the boundaries are tight. It has been 52 years now and we still love each other very much even though we both have developed patterns that tend to irritate each other a bit. Like having a tiny piece of gravel in your shoe - you notice it but it is not enough of an irritant to stop everything and take it out. Bound to happen. We ARE different people.

[Crissy 107]

It seems to be a somewhat common theme here that we thought when we got married our urge to CD would go away. I know I did but of course that never happened.

[Davina2833]

Crissy,

Exactly what I through!

Davina

[Natalie5004]

My first wife did not really know. She was stepping out on me anyway. We got divorced after 13 rough years and 3 children later. I did dress at home at night when she was working second shift and all the kids were in bed. I locked my bedroom door.
I bought her a fancy matching bra, panties and garter set. She never wore them, I did.

Second marriage totally different. She found my stash when we were living together summers. She asked and I told her that they were mine. No more questions since.
Now married 20 year next month. We had a real talk 2 years ago when all this dressing stuff raised up in me again, (drop in testosterone?). I was getting bolder wearing some makeup like mascara and dressing in bra and panties for bedroom play.

I got more bolder and started putting my dresses in our walk in closet. She told me to move them away from her clothes and we had a good discussion with tears and I promised I will stop. 1 month later, I cannot stop. She gave me half a green light, "Do not let me see you dressed". I am fine with that.

Now I use the closet in the spare bedroom for all my shoes and skirts, tops and dresses. Last week she counted them and asked about the money I have been spending. "All on special sale" I told told her. And it is true. I never bought a $100 dress but I do have some I got for $30 on sale. I love my women's clothes and accessories. I have asked if I can dress at home for my Birthday but it kind of became a issue and did not happen.

She tells me that she loves me completely and is not OK with the dressing but I think she half understands and gives me plenty of time to dress at home when she is out working. I work from home and can spend probably 5 good hours every day dressed if I want to.

I have been out shopping and driving but she does not know that. I also like nice dressy clothes so I am not blending in with the things that modern women wear. I think most of them dress poorly most of the time. But yesterday I saw a beautiful young women in a real nice dress at Trader Joe's. She was lovely.

Even when I go all out getting dressed with wig and all, and I usually do for the full effect, I should get tagged if you look kind of close from 15 feet or so.

In the end, I would really like to go out for dinner at night with a small group of women for dinner and drinks.

[Genifer Teal]

It's not an easy topic to "just bring up" in a relationship. Never the right moment. I decided early on they had to know from the start. Now it's hard to hide anyway. Could never have gotten married without telling. The internet made that clear and also not to purge, ever!

[Pixie_94]

From all that I see I doubt I'll even get married. Quite a complicated situation.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

coming out to my wife was the biggest mistake i ever made in my life.
overnight we went from a marriage made in heaven( abet me living a lie) to a marriage of convienance
also i lost my wife's trust something that can't be totally regained

[Cacique82]

I told her 8-ish years into marriage, together 16 yrs total at that point. She always knew I liked seeing her in lingerie and often bought her some things. I?d always had a few panties-my own, I kept for myself but late one night I told her and she was fully accepting. She understood and really didn?t seem surprised. After that I did take things slow and told her I had some stockings and panties. Eventually I told her I wanted a chemise and a nightgown. Totally ok with it. I feel blessed. This was about four years ago.

[Angela Marie]

I told my wife on our second date. My first wife did not know, although that was not the cause for our divorce. But knowing her she would have gone off the rails. My wife knows, and while she is not crazy about it accepts it. She has gone out with me a few times dressed but that was a step too far for her. I understand her feelings and do not try to push the envelope. Telling her upfront was the best move to make. Not only for me but for her as well.

[Jillcder]

Giselle this is my biggest fear.

[sometimes_miss]

When I got married, I hadn't crossdressed in ten years, so I thought that perhaps I had either outgrown it, or 'beaten it'; so I saw no reason to ever bring it up, any more than you would tell a future wife that you shoplifted some chocolate bars when you were a kid, but hadn't stolen anything since then, so why bring up something that has no bearing on the present or future?
But all that was going on, was my mind had buried the crossdressing desire deep in my subconscious. Years later, when stress overcame my mind's ability to suppress it, out came the desire to crossdress, front and center, insisting that I be the girl I was supposed to be, and dress up again. Unable to resist, I ordered some clothes online to a private mailbox, and dressed in private, always wondering what I would say if I was discovered. Over and over I went in my mind, what I would say, always coming to the conclusion that all the good things about me would surely overcome this one little thing, crossdressing.
Oh, how wrong I was. Back then, I didn't understand that sexual attraction isn't based on anything rational, that it's a deep seated thing that most people don't understand at all, that they just chalk it up to 'chemistry'.
And when my wife discovered some lingerie I accidentally left in sight, she blew a gasket. She thought that I was having an affair, and asked who it belonged to. I had only seconds to decide which way to go; lie, and let her think I was cheating on her, or tell the truth. I made a fatal mistake. I told the truth. A few years later, in therapy, she admitted that had she known, she never would have married me. So the end result was the same, alone again, naturally.
I don't fault her for divorcing me, but I do fault her for blackmailing me during the divorce for all our assets, threatening me with being outed to my family, everyone at work, and all my friends.

[nancy58]

I did not tell until 12 years into the marriage. It was not until then that what had been a passing sexual fetish became a dominant force in my life. I was unhappy with my job, overwhelmed by the challenges of rearing an 8-year-old with recently diagnosed ADHD, and feeling unfulfilled in my marriage. We survived as a couple -- 29th anniversary is coming up this summer -- but I wish that I had had the confidence to broach the subject early in our dating relationship. Or, for that matter, that I had been willing to explore the whole thing 35 years ago when I was in no relationship at all. Had I been able to get beyond the self-recriminations, perhaps I would be a trans-woman now instead of a mostly closeted crossdresser. But anyway, with 20/20 hindsight, you're better off to get all of the possible deal-breaker issues out in the open with your SO before you commit to marriage.

[SissieScott]

Lexi, I had that happen with an ex girlfriend...told her early on....she had 100% no issue and at times would encourage me. FINALLY I can be myself.....the *secret* is gone!!! Well until the break-up and was scorned......the only way she could hurt me was to TELL.......and she DID........EVERYONE complete with PICTURES! :Angry3: Looking back now...... Quite possibly the BEST thing that ever happened to me! Everyone knew all at once, and no painful explanations 55x over. It helped with my self acceptance and 99% didn't care, with some even saying WELL DUH!!!! Not only that, my next relationship started on a dating site. We spoke for 3 weeks prior to meeting. After dinner on our first date, we sat and talked about EVERYTHING, including my crossdressing. 17 years later we are still together and celebrating 16 years of marriage in June! She is fully supportive and helps me pick out make up and sometimes she will surprise me with a sexy outfit that she knows I would like, but what SHE wants to see me in.:love:

[Claire M]

Before I met my wife, only dressed in my Jr. High and early High School years and only fully dressed a handful of times. Usually it was just slipping into some of my sister's underwear if they presented themselves. I didn't dress at all and really didn't think about it much for about 14 years ... until about 3 years after we got married. So to me there wasn't much to tell beforehand. It was a phase I had gone through when I was a kid that had been over a long time ago (almost 10 years) and I no longer had any interest in.

Unfortunately, when I started again it was "just this one time" which snowballed into a small stash of panties I could slip into occasionally, then to a small wardrobe. Unfortunately she found me partially dressed on day. We talked about it very briefly then it fell off the table into one of those "unspoken" subjects and has for the most part stayed there for over 30 years.

I think it much easier to live with the silence than to bring it to a head and live the rest of my life without her.

[Star01]

An addition to my original comment about not telling as I didn?t know it was going to come back. I have commented on my DADT and is likely sounds worse than it actually is.

My wife and I take a lot of small mini vacations and trips separately as we have three cats. Someone has to stay home to maintain order and feed all these critters. She has booked an August vacation and I often make car trips for sports, photography and songwriting. Basically I have a lot of freedom to come and go under normal circumstances. The pandemic was making it difficult and now that restrictions are being lifted and I solved vehicle and health issues the future is much brighter. That is the way my wife respects our DADT, if I want to go to Indiana for an auto race no questions asked. Every so often we both go on a big vacation together but we give each other plenty of space. The problem at least for me was the pandemic as my DADT is flexible under normal situations.

[Raychel]

We were 12 years into a bad marriage before I told her
I never felt that I could trust her with my secret.
That should have been a huge red flag there,
No feeling of trust right from the very start.

Anyways, I did tell her finally, we had some more rough times, but did continue on with the marriage for
another 11 years, Until I finally got to my breaking point.

There was several life events that got me to that point
But honestly the crossdressing was not a huge issue,
There was a lot of other issues with the marriage from the very start.
Even with a bad marriage we did survive thru the crossdressing
It was the many other things that killed it

If there is true love, Trust and understanding from the start, this does not need to be an issue.
and is you are 100% sure this is not a phase you are going thru You should be totally open and honest

just my thoughts.

[alwayshave]

When my now why and I decided to move in together, I told her as I wasn't going to hide anymore. She is accepting, if not encouraging.

[Rachel05]

I have cross dressed for most of my life and it was not something I shared with my wife to be back in my 20's, I kept it secret for most of our marriage, or so I thought, she had found some of my things but decided not to say anything, until one day she caught me out and we had the conversation. The reason I hadn't shared was because she loathed any men who dressed in women's clothes, drag artists etc, so it never came up

When she found out, she didn't want to engage or try to understand, she was embarrassed and worried that someone who knew her might find out, so the only good thing to come out of it was that I didn't hide my things anymore, the marriage finally ended, not because of my dressing, but I guess overall it didn't help and I promised myself I would be upfront next time

It has to be part of my life, my new partner knows and is accepting, she bought me my first panties recently, all on her own as a present, that was really nice

[Brandybea]

My story is similar to Karren’s. When thinking about back then (I was married in the early 1980’s), girls like us had no resource to consult regarding our dressing. There was no internet groups like this where we could gain a better understanding of what is a life-long desire. I thought, or maybe hoped, that when I got married this desire would just go away. I can truly say I never thought I would be doing it through the age of 60. So while I wish I would have told my wife before I got married, I had no understanding of this need or its enduring implications. Flash forward 17 years into the marriage we were going through a rough spot and she found some of my panties and accused me of having an affair. When I told her they were mine, her first response was “can’t be, those are too small?. So I tried them on to show her (just barely gave her a glimpse under my guy pants). Initially she was accepting and even bought me a few pairs of panties and I slept in bed with them. But that waned after about 6 months and I take the blame because I think I was more like a kid in a candy store about it and wanted to wear panties every night to bed. Flash forward another 20 years and we have been more a DADT situation. We have brief moments of when it becomes a topic of discussion, but mostly silence exists around the topic 99 percent of the time. In one of our last discussions my wife said “I wish I never knew about your dressing”. How painful that is. I almost avoid the conversation now as it always leads to her trying to convince me to stop and me saying “not possible”. But acceptance, or a minor amount of acceptance, is what most of us want and need(at least what I know I want and need). That doesn’t mean I want to come out to other family members or friend because I don’t. But I would love to be more open about it (like telling her I’m in Macy’s buying lingerie, or that I’m taking a cute nightie on my trip with me).

So now, I am less discreet. My lingerie is not hidden as much as it is placed in areas where she can easily find if she looks. My panties are in my underwear drawer with my male briefs, leggins, slacks on shelf with male jeans. While she was gone for a week, I bought heels and lingerie and clothes and did not hide the packages and know she saw them. It’s getting time for me to again broach the subject and discuss again with her as I feel it becoming a barrier in our relationship.

In the end all I can say is this is a challenge for all. When I told her I know I transferred a lot of the weight of this to her.

[jacques]

hello Sabine,
I had been married for about 2 years before cross-dressing found me again. There was nothing to tell before then.
luv J