Dating

[Jeri Ann]

In the Transition Update thread that I recently started I mentioned that I have started dating. A member pm?d me and asked if I mentioned in my dating site profile that I was trans. The answer is YES, absolutely! I spent a lifetime pretending to be someone and something that I am not. No more pretending for this girl.

My profile clearly states that ?I am a post op trans woman.? A few men have asked for clarification on that and I freely give it as well as permission to ask tasteful questions. I hope to maybe find the right guy for me and a healthy relationship will develop. That cannot be possible without honesty.

I actually had another member call me a poser! Seriously? In my ten years on this forum I have not even altered a picture. My purpose in starting this thread is, first of all, to clarify the dating comments on another thread, help transitioners to realize that there is hope for a full and rewarding life and to certainly encourage openness and honesty, especially in a relationship as well as exercise caution at all times.

[Devi SM]

No for nothing I admire you Jeri Ann, because I think as you do.
One passenger when driving for Uber told me that he would trust more in a trans out of the closet person because after that there's no more to hide.
I respect all kind of thinking because everybody has reasons to do what she/he does, even wrong or right but they believe in it.
Sometimes our reasons are the result of so many incepted ideas, traditions, fear, habits and misconceptions or tabues and is hard to see the "reality" for that, I prefer be honest.
At the beginning I was excusing or explaining myself to everybody, now if someone with in the right way with the right reason asks I will tell the truth.
I prefer people know a transwoman and get acquainted and see how normal we are and not to pretend to be who I am not. It would be like to deny that I was born in Chile, hispanic and male, my accent, my culinary preferences and my voice will trait me and I know people don't like liars.
Finally, we celebrate a trans visibility day, for me, every day is an opportunity of being visible...
I'm not in the business of dating, keep happily married to the same woman of last 42 years but if the case would come I would be the most trans-parent trans...

Mho.

Devi

[Emptyeyes]

Excellent topic. I'm pretty flexible in the sexuality spectrum. However, with the more recent chain of events that has been going on, which has been pretty discouraging for me. To be honest, I would feel more safe with dating another trans people.

[Meghan4now]

Thanks Jeri Ann. Good to see a mature and respectful approach to dating and self disclosure. I don't know who called you a poser, but they must not know you very well. I would think that most members here would have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for you. In my view you are one of the most level headed, straight forward members here.

With respect to your dating, good for you. I hope you find someone who can help you feel as special as you are.

[Dorit]

Gosh, thank you for being so open and free! I am that member that sent Jeri Ann the PM. It is a process of personal growth to accept ourselves fully and not to fear rejection, even though it may come, because we are trans. You are an inspiration to us.

[Bobbi46]

Jeri Ann I aplaud you completely and totally for getting to where you are now. I know of so many who have fallen by the wayside during their transition, but to hear from you of a successful journey is music to my ears ,and a role model for all of those following in your footsteps, best wishes
Bobbi

[AllieSF]

Transparency really comes down to how well passes in all aspects of either a MtF and FtM. I blend well enough, still have a lot of old male habits and voice. I would love to really look, act, speak, and, very importantly, have the correct female equipment. Medical reasons may prevent me from completing my total physical transition, which I want to do, though I can live with that being incomplete.

Regarding dating, I am on 5 different sites with fairly similar profiles in each one. Since I am proud of who I am and not afraid of revealing that I am a woman, a trans woman, I clearly state that in those profiles. Those profiles indicate that I am looking for a female as a partner. In my case there is no "hiding" that I am who I am, and, therefore, to me, honesty is the best policy. I have met a just a few women with no true lasting results. I also correspond with a couple of women, who unfortunately, are very long distant. With one of them we are very close in our conversations, and also realize that distance is a big barrier to overcome based on our individual circumstances.

They are out there, but it is definitely not an easy task, especially for an older woman.

[Jeri Ann]

As I mentioned in another thread my first date was four days ago. On my way to meet John for the first time I refused to let myself contemplate the magnitude of what I was doing. I needed to keep a clear head. Traffic was nuts and I ran a little late. The trendy Tex Mex cafe in the Midtown district of Houston was on a busy corner diagonally across from the CVS where I parked for free. John was standing inside the low iron fence that separated the patio area from pedestrians. After crossing the street I went up to him and we hugged before I went around to the entrance, through the restaurant and out to the patio. It was a delightful experience and my date was a perfect gentleman.

Today was my second date this time with Don. I was early this time and waited in my car for about ten minutes for him to arrive. We met for the first time in the parking lot and walked into the restaurant together. Again, it was absolutely a delightful time. This time, however, Don asked if I would like to do it again. I said certainly.

I do not know how to be anything but myself. Open and honest in communication before meeting as well as during time together has seemed to work so far for me. It has actually been a natural experience.

My next date may not happen. I am not very pleased with the communication so far with Chris.

[Daphne1363]

Thanks for the dating story. This is something I hope to do soon. It is great to hear someone else in my city is out there doing it. How was the dialogue with the gentlemen before the date? As a fellow Houstonian, I know that trendy Tex-Mex place across from CVS in mid-town. I know people who have been towed from the CVS. Please be careful.

[Jeri Ann]

Conversations before the first date are mandatory for me. I has to go well or there will be no date. That is the case with guy #3. We will see. BTW, for me communication begins with messages on the dating site then moves to either email, text messages, phone calls or any combination of the three.

[Di]

So happpy for you Jeri Ann :)
I am living vicariously through you!

[Jeri Ann]

I must emphasize that much of the conversation on these first dates centers on my being transsexual, the struggles, treatment, etc. The issue must not be an elephant in the room. I give them permission to ask me anything but avoid lewdness or kink.
I sense the comfort level rising as the conversation continues. If nothing develops for the long term with these guys, they will at least know more than they did about trans women.

Yesterday evening I received a message from Don saying that he really enjoyed our time together. I was pleased and responded appropriately.

Update:
Unfortunately the third guy did not work out. He insisted on sending me love letters after I warned him not to, way too crazy for this girl. I have blocked his mobile number and will block his emails

[mbmeen12]

I
give them permission to ask me anything but avoid lewdness or kink.

Smart move...

[Jeri Ann]

This whole dating thing has been a learning experience for me. I have learned that many, if not most, men around my age have no experience with transgender people. So much so that when some read in my profile that I am a "post op trans woman" they don't even know what that means.

I have learned that some men will shy away from a transwoman, some do not have a problem with me being trans and some even have a thing for transwomen, like my last date. I thought that Mike had possibilities. He was good looking, a perfect gentleman and more than ok with me being trans. Right away he was smitten with me. After a couple of hours of conversation, however, I began to realize that we had different philosophies and value systems. I couldn't believe it when he told me that, not only has he not gotten his Covid vaccination, but he wasn't going to and had many conspiracy theories to back up his decision. It broke my heart to end it with him. It could never work out with us.

Someone told me that I might have to kiss a bunch of frogs before I find my prince. That would mean a second date at least for me. I do have a request for a second date but nothing planned yet. So, in the meantime, I just have lunch and drinks with frogs.

I have a lunch date tomorrow with Stewart and one Friday with Terry. Both of these guys know that I am trans. I remain hopefully optimistic that eventually I will meet someone that I can connect with. But, I will not compromise my values or attempt to conform to what someone expects me to be. I did that for most of my life.

[Dorit]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I am learning from you!:)

[MarieTS]

Jeri Ann, dating is a big step many ts gals shy away from due to confidence issues, and sometimes well founded safety concerns. Great job "getting out there" and sharing experiences with your sisters.

[Di]

I just was wondering how it was going. I agree do not compromise your values . You will meet the right one. For me it always happened when I-was not looking.
I look forward hearing about your next two dates . :)
Fingers crossed

[Jeri Ann]

The first meeting yesterday with Stewart was definitely a no go. I am beginning to realize that in the culture of on-line dating some expect sex on the first date.

The guy I met yesterday had absolutely Nothing going for him. We parted amicably with no expectations for a second time. A couple of hours later I start getting very angry and obscene messages from him. I had to block him from my phone and report him to the dating site. He obviously became livid because the date didn?t end up in bed.

Date number five will be tomorrow. Terry asserts in his profile that he has high values and is a gentleman. Hmm, we?ll see. I my have to take another break from the craziness.

[Devi SM]

Omg! I don't know what I would do if I were in the dating business because men are so assh.... to get one decent guy, no driven just for testosterone is like to get lottery....

[Di]

Jeri Ann, I never did the online dating thing but my cousin has and the stories I could tell you. Always be safe (I know you would …but I do not trust them.
She also has told me when she kindly rebuffs their advances they turn ugly .
Glad you reported him.

[kimdl93]

Just like the rest of the internet, online dating sites attract all sorts, but afford opportunities to trolls with anti-social tendencies and intent. One look at the comments sections of even innocuous posts says a lot about the mentality off a certain segment of the population.

I met my second wife via an online service years and years ago…before it became a commonplace thing. At the time, I just put myself out there and waited. She approached me and we were both very, very cautious over the weeks and months before we finally met in person.

I know its unorthodox for people of my age to let women take the lead in establishing connections and relationships, but I think we both felt safer and more confident in the process. Besides, I was very flattered than any woman would want to know me.

PS…we lasted 16 years, and but for my increasing desire to present and live as a woman, we might have stayed together. (Yes I told her about myself very early in the relationship…but I changed over time)

[Jeri Ann]

Maybe half of the couples that I know met through social media.

Before online dating was a thing dates came as a result of work, friends, various activities and, gulp, bars. None of those have been possible.

I will carry on with the dating site thing for the duration of my subscription, four more months, I think. I understand that there is a possibility that I may not ever meet the right guy for me. In the meantime I will not take risk or compromise.

I have anther first date tomorrow. We?ll see.

[kimdl93]

Jeri, have you ever been the one to reach out, like my ex did? I know its a even more risky for a transwoman, but on the other hand, it puts you in somewhat more control of the situation.

I’ve been single now for going on 5 years, but I just can’t see putting myself out there again…not on line nor through traditional channels. Maybe it age…maybe its just emotional wear and tear.

[Jeri Ann]

No, I do not make the first contact, nor do I suggest meeting. Even after being contacted I may not respond. First thing I do is check out their profile for location, age and other details. Smokers are out so are men more than five years older or younger. I get sometimes 20-30 messages a day, some from thirty somethings who are turned on and looking for a hookup.

[Dutchess]

For a pretty good while now the dating sites are known to be basically hook up sites . It didnt used to be that way and if you havent used them at all or in a long while you probably wouldnt know it . People really have gone back to the old fashioned way of meeting OR Ive met alot of cool people in my facebook groups for all my varied interests too , from thoroughbred breeders through creole cooking . NOT your everyday weirdos who try to friend you for cash but actually people you interact with in the groups so you get to know them on an acquaintance level first . 3.5 years after losing Kat I am still not ready to date but I AM learning to make men friends again safely like this without a dating /sex expectation . We are talking about horses or cooking or whatever .

Being from Texas/Houston area I get what you mean about the type of men you are seeing ( conspiracy theory folks ect ) you are WELL within your rights to make that loud and clear up front that people like that need not contact you we cant talk about that here but you know what I mean . Those are time wasters.

The last thing is a LARGE dating site red flag ( a facebook one too ) if they tell you they are an engineer ( or a surgeon/Dr).. pay attention - unless they tell you what kind they are without you asking - thats 99.9999% a scammer or if they tell you they are an engineer for Shell or Schlumberger in the North Sea or in Dubai /ANYWHERE in the middle east , cease talking immediately . I don't care what the picture looks like that's not them . Dating sites are FULL of these types .

[Jeri Ann]

Thanks for your input Dutchess. I have had one guy that was an engineer working in Dubai. I blocked him right away. I also get frequent friend request on Facebook from army and air force generals, retired and working for the UN to feed the hungry, heal the sick an$ work to bring about world peace. I denied two request today from suspicious characters. I am not sure what the old fashion way of meeting is.

[Dutchess]

The old fashioned way is just what you mentioned above , through friends, work or other activities PLUS you do alot of community work so you are out and about alot which is a great thing . I think you will meet someone who is of like mind since things are starting to open back up.
You've got alot going for you !

[Jodie_Lynn]

Dating as a transwoman can get tricky, especially if you are unsure about the "reveal", if you are pre-op. For myself, as a pre-op woman living 24/7, I am always up front about it in order to give the gentleman the opportunity to bow out gracefully.

If I underwent GRS/SRS, I honestly don't know if I would give out that information without being asked. In a way, I think it would be obvious that I wasn't born as a cis-woman, being 6 feet tall with size 12 men's feet. Although that hasn't stopped several men from chatting me up at work. :o And NO, I haven't accepted any invitations from customers! I am not overly eager to become someone's "bucket list" item or a one night stand!

[Jeri Ann]

I have thought about Kim?s question about being the one to reach out. I just seems to me that eagerness can be misunderstood for promiscuity. You need to understand that I have clearly stated in my profile that ?I am a post op trans woman.? And, as I have said already, not all men even know what that means. However, after reading my profile, if they show interest then the elephant becomes visible, hopefully.

If it seems that I repeat myself in these posts, it is because I am not sure, at this point in this thread, that new posters are reading all of the comments and understand what this is about, meeting men, not sex. This thread is about really dating men in the real world as a woman with a chance of finding, perhaps, a life partner. I do not want this thread to become about hooking up, big surprises, etc.

All that being said, I did not have the date yesterday with Terry the banker/ investment guy. He messaged me to say that he would get back to me about where and when after previously agreeing to meet for lunch. Having never met he had not earned the right to put me on hold like that. After a couple of hours I messaged him and said that I had a lot going on and I didn?t think I would have time for him.

I have only met four men at this point. Of the four only one would I see again and he has actually suggested that we do just that.

[kimdl93]

One in four is probably a reasonable ratio. In a city the size of your home town there are likely many, many more yet to meet. You?ll probably find the right one.

[Vickie_CDTV]

The old fashioned way is just what you mentioned above , through friends, work or other activities PLUS you do alot of community work so you are out and about alot which is a great thing . I think you will meet someone who is of like mind since things are starting to open back up.
You've got alot going for you !

Do people still meet by being introduced through mutual friends? I know it is how my parents and many family members met, and it is how some met when I was younger. I mentioned it to a group of both older and younger people and they all looked at me like I was stark raving crazy. It seems perfectly sensible, it has to be safer and have far better odds of finding someone compatible than trying to meet completely unknown strangers online.

[Jeri Ann]

I have not and will not meet an unknown stranger from an online site. In every case the online connection leads to much additional contact by text messages, phone calls, exchange of pictures and possibly emails.

I have no place of work, activities have not resumed and introductions through friends is a long shot. Most relationships nowadays begin online through social media or dating sites.

The world has changed a lot in recent years, especially in the last 15 months. Many people work from home. Even those who have returned to the workplace have not resumed interacting with colleagues like they did in the past. When I was crazy busy with activities, church, rodeo, habitat, it was very rare to meet someone and go on a date afterwards. I could count them on one hand.

There are no simple answers. I have actually not asked a question. Dating these days is a challenge for anyone and everyone. Even teenagers have been home schooling in the past year, unable to socialize except by . . .social media. Anyone?s application of reason or past experiences may or may not be of any assistance.

I am appreciative of the input here so far. I will continue to update and share my experiences and what I learn. Maybe it will help someone down the road.

[Dutchess]

Do people still meet by being introduced through mutual friends? I know it is how my parents and many family members met, and it is how some met when I was younger. I mentioned it to a group of both older and younger people and they all looked at me like I was stark raving crazy. It seems perfectly sensible, it has to be safer and have far better odds of finding someone compatible than trying to meet completely unknown strangers online.

Yes they do but like in my case that is how I met my late darling Kat , was through a friend I knew from here . The difference being is that the world is alot smaller , most of us are online so My friend from here is from Boston , I was in Corpus Christi and Kat was in San Francisco . We made the effort to meet and for us it was ok to re arrange things. I wanted to leave Texas anyway so it worked out .. She introed us on a facebook thread we were talking about Lilly Pulitzer fabrics so totally non sexual /dating . We started as friends( I was totally smitten though ) Kat was completely out then as well .
I met my ex husband that way also through friends in a UK based classic rock MSN group I belonged too,he was not IN the group but was friends in real life with two of the mods there .

These are just examples. I am a VERY FREE ( CANNOT emphasize that enough ) spirit and realize this wont work for everyone or at least not on this scale . I got on that plane in my yoga capris with one duffle bag and flew 5000 miles to The Netherlands when we eventually met 9 months later .

[Dorit]

I just joined OKCupid. I wrote my real age of 74 and that I was a transgender woman. I added six recent photos. Within three days I received 71 likes within 50 miles of Tel Aviv where I live!:eek: Is this normal? I am not sure how to proceed, but I am learning.

[Jeri Ann]

Dorit, what I have discovered is that many, if not most men our age do not know what ?transgender woman? means and will not bother to find out. Add to that the fact that many men respond to the pictures on your profile and not your information.
71 likes in three days is not unusual at all.

Did you join for free? If so, they can see your stuff but will only be notified of their views or likes but you cannot respond. You must pay the dues to really join the site.

Out of hundreds of men wanting to meet me I have only agreed to meet four men. All four dates were for lunch at busy places and went well. The first two were nice, good looking guys but not necessarily a match. The third I actually thought was a match but a couple of hours into conversation revealed that we were polarized in ideologies. It could never work. It broke my heart to end it.

The forth guy turned out to be a real nut case. Several hours after returning home he sent me a disgustingly obscene and degrading message. I had to report him to the dating site and block him from my cell number. He was ticked off because the date didn?t result in having sex.

I do not know if the various dating sites have different cultures or not. I am sure that there are some decent men who try using the sites but it seems that most expect to hook up on the first date or soon after.

For several weeks I have been in a holding pattern. Many men have indicated that they want to meet me but I just delete the messages. I am sure that I will meet more but the rigor of sorting through all the hits on my profile is too much for me right now. I have other things to do.

Be careful, be smart and good luck.

[Alice Torn]

I met 4 different guys years ago, and made it clear, No penetration sex. Met one of them twice, but he id not wan to meet anymore. The last guy i met was mean. I no longer meet men.

[Jeri Ann]

My six month subscription to a dating site expires in a couple of days and I will not renew at this time. It has been a learning experience to say the least. I have learned that most men in Texas of my generation have no idea what a trans woman is. The few that do are focused primarily on that. What I had hoped for, and still do, is a genuine relationship where sex is not the goal and physical attraction is not the driving force.

In that six months I met eight men and went on 14 dates. Four of the men became infatuated with me right from the start. I do not want to be the object of infatuation. At the very least I had hoped for maybe a friend to do things with, a companion for dinner or a movie, maybe my plus one when I have an affair to attend. If, in time, we became friends with benefits that would be ok too.

So far it has not worked out that way. There is one guy left to meet. We have been communicating for a while and have switched from messaging through the dating site to email. He has given me his mobile number, home number and address. He respects my reluctance to offer my number at this point. I have explained to him that I have had to block several guys.

We meet in three days for the first time. It seems that we have more in common than anyone else I have meet so far. He lives a distance away, maybe an hour and a half away.

I am cautiously optimistic.

[kimdl93]

Good luck! One decent guy out of eight sounds about right?

[Dorit]

I too let my three month subscription to a dating site expire. I had about 120 guys "like" me, most in their fifties. While very flattering, I soon realized that they had only looked at the photos and not my profile! I did have one very good date, we were together four hours; dinner, ice-cream, walking around Tel Aviv. We agreed we would text about getting together the next weekend. When that day came, he very politely and sensitively wrote that after a week of indecision he decided that he did not want to continue the relationship.:sad: I need some time off before I try again.

[Ceera]

I am just starting to get into dating as my new, female self. I have a profile on one dating site, but have it clearly stated there that I am not quite ready yet to actually date. I may join other sites when I am ready to accept offers.

A female friend of mine recently introduced me to two nice, single and unattached women, both of whom are either lesbian or bisexual, and both seem open to dating me. I?ve been to dances and karaoke nights with both those ladies, together with the friend who introduced us and her boyfriend. They both like to spend time with me, and both fully accept me as a transgender woman who is interested in other women. And both ladies agree they wound like to meet for an initial platonic ?conversation and getting to know each other better? type of first date , some time fairly soon!

[AndrogynousBandy]

I've always had bad luck dating people, especially since I've always end up doing all the work, in order to keep them in my circle. One of the con biological traits that was past down to me was an all or nothing attitude in catering to people. I've always gotten left behind due to them getting far more out of my help, then tossing me aside.

I think I'm better off embracing a lifetime of solitude, honestly.

[Katya@]

I have a pansexual friend. She really doesn't care about the gender of her partner. They can be of any gender according to her. She is afab, and describes herself as queer. Those people do exist, albeit they are a minority.

[Jeri Ann]

My six month subscription to a dating site expired on November 3. I met eight men from the site but could have agreed to meet many others. I was just not impressed by their profile information. One of the guys I saw a second time, another I saw two additional times and one I saw three more times.

None of the guys were my type. I am not even sure what my type is but I will know when I meet him, hopefully. Not only that, it is difficult dating in Houston because it involves a huge geographic area and none of the guys lived closer than an hour away.

Even after my subscription ended I continued dating some. The last date was with guy number six, I believe. He was my plus one to a huge rodeo kickoff party.

None of the dates resulted in physical intimacy, btw. What I would like first and foremost is a meaningful relationship, even if it is just friends. Romance and intimacy may follow with the right guy.

In the meantime, my life is busy. And, I like my independence. More than likely I will try another dating service someday but for now I am ok.

[Meghan4now]

Hey Jeri Ann,

What happened with the guy you mentioned in October? That sounded a little promising.

Good luck, and when you least expect it, you'll find someone worth hanging with. If course no one will be perfect, so you choose which compromises are acceptable.

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Meghan, Jack is the one that I saw twice. He lives two hours away, a very difficult two hours. He is a nice guy but really not a close match for me. Too conservative, if you know what I mean. He did give me enough roofing materials for the 8x12 storage building I am working on.