The thing i feared most, I did to myself today. Hell to pay the rest of my life.

[Alice Torn]

I write to my older brother who is in prison, and he and his twin have been critical on me all my 67 years, but i have mercy on enemies, and try to make peace and forgive. We are all getting old, but my family are immature, stubborn judgmental people. An admirer online has loved my photos and video as Alice, and lives 170 miles away, and i decided to write a hand written letter and then type it out on email. I decided to not meet him, and told him a lot of my secrets , and how i love to dress up as the very tall lady i would have liked to have, and other personal things. and why i do not dress much anymore and will quit sometime. Unfortunately, i got the letters mixed up, and sent the letter intended for the admirer, to my brother in prison!!!!! He wil have a fit and call his twin, and he will tell my sister who lives with him, and i will never hear the end of this the rest of my life or their lives!!!!!!! And i go down there to help keep up my late fathers property they live at!! I will be torn apart mentally and emotionally by them, and they hate gayness and trans and all non hetero norm things. This is my very worst nightmare come true.. Hell on earth for now on. I have not dressed in months, and am not up to it anymore. They have always had me under a microscope for anything, and always rub it in, when they find out things. Oh have i done it this time. The wrong people to find out the nitty gritty details of my secret!!!!

[GaleWarning]

I always think that things happen for a good reason, Alice.
Let's see what happens.
Best of luck,
Gale

[Patience]

Why in god's name would you work on two letters so different in nature and intended audiences at the same time?

What's done is done. No point worrying about it until someone responds. I don't know your folks and how you relate to each other, so I can't comment, but the advantage of being honest is you don't have to keep on hiding the truth. Who knows, your siblings may even surprise you. Either way it will probably not be boring.

Good luck and be more careful in future, unless you want to get caught.

[baldy1]

Alice its extremely annoying when people are judgemental of others without thinking about the consequences and your mental state, if they can be that bad to you do you realy need them in your life, I truely hope all things turn out well for you.

I have a sister who told lies about me to my Father, I was quickly backed up by my other Sister in the end I haven't spoken to the liar in twenty years and my life goes on without her.

The very best of luck

Julie

[Alice Torn]

I wonder if I can call the prison and ask the mail room there to not deliver the letter, or return to sender. I will try it.

- - - Updated - - -

Yes, it could be that i am too harsh and judgmental, and a hypocrite at at times too. I think this is true,

- - - Updated - - -

Patience, I wrote them at different times, but made the mistake of putting them in the same notebook after tearing them out of it. My eyesight is not too good, and hada senior moment not looking closely enough/

[Helen_Highwater]

Alice,

If indeed the cat is out the bag then perhaps it's time, should your worst fears come true, just to say to hell with you all, I no longer care what you think, it's my life. Simply face it out and if they want your help maintaining the house either keep their opinions to themselves or find someone else to do the work.

They may be family but it seems from what you've written they show scant regard to your feelings so perhaps it's time for an ultimatum. Play nicely or keep your mouths shut.

[Jenny Elwood]

Sorry to hear that Alice. Especially how badly they treat you. Hope things turn out better than you envision. :sad:

[JennyMay]

Hi Alice, I just wanted to send good thoughts to you in what must be a stressful time. I can’t quite understand why someone in prison should feel able to be judgemental to someone who isn’t but I know that is the way the world is. What ever the next few weeks bring, remember that you are who you are and have every right to be yourself. I’m sure your sisters on here will be here for you if you need a listening ear (reading eye?) Best wishes.

[MonicaPVD]

The truth shall set you free. It will be terrible, and then it won't. And you will be free.

[Karren H]

Once he finds out why not go visit him enfemme in jail? Just to rub it in that you are free to do what ever you like and he isn?t.

[Di]

Alice, now it is out.
I think you are very kind writing him in prison.
But you said worst people on earth in describing them, And you have written about them before don’t let them keep you in prison there making.
You are caring thoughtful and doing nothing wrong. They are bullys and in prison.....why should their opinion even matter?
In my age I bowcutout any negative scum right out of my life .
I also tried being the peace maker ....for these types they only want to lord someone over you when they are the ones lacking.
If either of them answers with anything negative I would write them off. They are hopeless.
And geese who is in prison...not you.

[HeatherW]

I don't know if this will apply but here goes...
Being in the south, I've known a lot of families that held anti LGBTQ beliefs, that is until it is someone in their family. Some of them disown the person, however, some alter their beliefs. They become a bit more understanding, because they know the person in question and maybe are able to piece together all those pieces of the puzzle. I hope,for your sake, your family will be able to piece together your puzzle and accept that you are who you are, a wonderful, giving person. Best of luck.

[Sherrii]

What Helen and Karren said, if you can't get the letter back. If those folks are as nasty as you say maybe it would be better for you to just not be in touch with them anymore anyway. Sherrii

[Alice Torn]

I should not have said they are the worst people on earth. That is wrong thing i wrote. What i should have written, was, they are the last ones i would want to know. They are my only family left, and are now in their 70's. I am not quite wanting to totally cut them off, I am HSP and overthinker, and over blow some things too, Actually, things between us have improved some, and the brother still in prison has been better, as 12 yrs in the big house has humbled him some. But, still, if they and sister find out, it would be awful. I am only a very part time dresser, and having health issues now. I slipped and fell bowling and tore my left shoulder rotator cuff a week ago, and very seldo dress now, too. I sent an email to the prison just now requesting they do not deliver the letter, anf that they return to sender or destroy it.

[Micki_Finn]

People only have as much power over you as you give them. If they’re that terrible of people, why have them in your life? Cut them out. “Family” is just an accident of birth and you don’t owe them a thing especially if they can’t respect you.

[Alice Torn]

Heather, Thank you. Hoping and praying that is the case here. I a sure my brothers have come across gays and other out of normal men in the prisons.

[char GG]

Sorry about the mix-up, Alice. It's unfortunate. However, don't stand for any bullying about your lifestyle. It's your choice to live as you wish.

You seem like a very kind and caring person. Please don't let anyone take advantage of your good nature.

[Leslie Mary S]

Hi Alice.
Yes you sure let the cat out of the bag.

I too have done that. All my local kinfolks now know that I Cross Dress and that I am Not Homosexual. I now lead a very private life. Most of my kinfolk have been regulated to DADT status. I can talk to two of my children but They all do not want to see me as anything but as the father they know. Also because of where I live And the general attitudes of my neighbors, I do not go out dressed. I spend most of my time in my fem world within my mobile home and the photo studio I have set up within it.

I hope everything works out for you much better for you then it has for me.

[kimdl93]

You might want to call the prison to intercept that letter, if there is any chance of that happening. If not, then this is still partly under your control. Your family can choose to react any way they wish. BUT, you do not have to tolerate any sort of abusive treatment by your family.

[Alice Torn]

Truth be known, i should have been arrested decades ago for some bad stuff myself and some friends were doing, after high school. There are some people in prisons who are not guilty, or guilty of little and that is very sad. I know of two men who were in prison falsely accused. I am currently in Facebook jail!!LOL I sent two emails, one fax, a letter, and left 2 messages for the prison. If my brother stil gets the letter, I will just tell them some of the truth. We all have skeletons in our closets. If things all of humans did were open and seen, none of us would be comfortable.

[Shelly Preston]

Alice

I would says if you get any hassle from the family don't tell them anything they don't need to know.

They have no right to control your life. As hard as it maybe you may be better off without them.

All you can do for now is wait and see.

Good luck

[April Rose]

I have done some dumb things in my life, and then waited for the consequences. I don't think it was ever nearly as bad as i thought it would be. I have my fingers crossed that things will turn out o.k. for you.

[DianeT]

What April Rose said. I'm sorry for your predicament. I can't say I'd love to cut out family members, especially brothers and sisters. But I had to cut out my father for years to protect my couple. At some point you need to protect yourself. You can love your family and yet not want some of its members in your life if they make you miserable. Take care of yourself.

[candykowal]

.....don't stand for any bullying about your lifestyle. It's your choice to live as you wish.

You seem like a very kind and caring person. Please don't let anyone take advantage of your good nature.

This is really great advice as I am also like you and good natured. I often am tried at times and I know, it I don't "Nip it in the Bud", they will keep testing my patients.
If they carry on about the subject in a torturous way, either loose that cancer from your life or tell them off and call em a snitch, that should raise a few eyebrows in there world.
You really need to move on with this as it will be just hearsay from a couple of jail birds, you could brush it off as nothing to be concerned about.
In the end, their thoughts and actions are not worth your time...they are just trouble.

[Janet Murray]

Help me to understand this, your brother is in prison, his twin and your sister support him but not you? Why would you care what they think. I've had trouble with family (siblings) and sometimes you have to walk away and live your life. Who are they to judge you....Agreed, you seem like a caring and loving person, keep your head high and keep moving forward....

[Dutchess]

Hi Alice , I was the first one to see this last night and I was really stunned. I didn't know what to say . I have been watching you write about these folks for alot of years and I knew how upset you were .
I had to cut out some of my close family also and it was scary but it gave me peace. I hope this can be worked out but , as some have said you have the right to live as you wish in peace after a lifetime of torment . You are hurting no one . Hopefully they will not say anything but if they do you are under no obligation to explain anything to anyone , that is your private life . You've spent a long time being fearful of these folks and it stops now . You don't deserve this kind of fear . You absolutely hold your head up and keep on moving , you do not need any of these people anymore if they are going to continue to be mean .

[CynthiaD]

Well, hon, sometimes you’ve got to put on your best dress, stand up straight, stick out your boobs and say, this is me! If you don’t like it, you know what you can do!

It’s your life and no one else’s.

[Sometimes Steffi]

How about a response, "Just joking. I wanted to get you all riled up."

And call you sister and brother before your brother in jail can get to them. Tell them that you played a terrible trick on your brother in jail, telling him that you are LGBT. If he calls them before he calls you, tell him it was a big joke, 'cause it was.

[Maria 60]

Sometimes things like this happen for a reason and after the cat is out of the bag you feel a wieght off your shoulders. I remember the day I told my wife and I thought all hell was going to break lose instead she respected me for being honest and how hard it must have been to tell her.
Let us know how it goes.

[Alice Torn]

I must admit that i have emotional illness and being a HSP, and overthinker and worrier, and some paranoia and some mental illness, too.
, and baby of a very dysfunctional family, like many families. My siblings are afflicted with some disorders too, and we all have social disorders and cognitive disorders too. I can not condemn anyone. I can make right judgments, and do what i need to to do, without condemning my siblings, as i also have done wrong things, and hurt others, and made bad decisions. We live and die by our words and decisions, but can try to make amends.. I have been in a number of 12 step programs for things. The 12 steps are really good, for anything. Holding grudges is very harmful to the grudge holder, but yes, it is wise to distance from family, and others if possible, when they get toxic or abusive. Sadly, so many people are in abusive relationships , marriages, and families of origin, and work situations with mean people. But, good judgment is not condemnation of the abuser. It is condemning bad behavior, and abuse, without hate. I sure as hell need to watch myself more, and be wiser, and work on myself to change the bad shit in me. But thanks for all the input, people! Whatever happens, whether the letter gets discarded or it gets delivered to my brother, THIS TOO SHALL PASS, as painful and miserable as things may get, or nothing. My whole life has been constant damage control, but, in these super stressful, uncertain times, untold millions of people are living lives of constant damage control now.

[char GG]

Alice,

You seem to have thought this through and I hope the future communication with your siblings is fine.

If I may, I would like to add some words of caution. It's your life and you do as you wish, however, consider this:

An admirer online has loved my photos and video as Alice, and lives 170 miles away, and i decided to write a hand written letter and then type it out on email. I decided to not meet him, and told him a lot of my secrets , and how i love to dress up as the very tall lady i would have liked to have, and other personal things. and why i do not dress much anymore and will quit sometime.
You don't have to tell a stranger/admirer any of your secrets. But, again, it's up to you.

[Alice Torn]

You are right char.

[Alice Torn]

Happy update! I sent many emails and several faxes to the prison, and heard nothing for 2 weeks. But, one day, utterly exhausted, and tired, i checked the mailbox, and there was the letter, returned to sender!! It took me a while to actually believe i was not just dreaming, and had to check the trash can a few times, to verify it! I am old now, and slip up in mind a lot now. Had an injury from a fall 3 weeks ago, fairly serious, and not dressing anymore.

[Dutchess]

Thank goodness thats over with Alice . One less thing to worry about , very glad everything worked out OK .

[char GG]

Wow! That was lucky for you. Now you can be at ease.

[Di]

Good to hear Alice! . Take care , sorry to hear about your fall.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Alice, That is the news I was waiting for,Now you can rest easy, >Orchid**0:daydreaming:0**

[Rhonda Darling]

Alice, someone as lucky as you are should run right out and buy a lottery ticket! After all, you are a total WINNER in our minds.

Whew, and best regards,
Rhonda

[Stephanie47]

Over the years I have read your posts concerning your toxic family. I would have dumped them a long time ago. My mother was toxic. She did not even acknowledge my marriage which is going to be celebrated at fifty years this year. I decided to stop trying to figure her out and just expunged her from my life. When she passed all I could think of was "Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!" If you have a vested interest in your father's old property decided to sell it and be done with them.

[Alice Torn]

Stephanie47, I can understand a lot of what you are saying. Each person and their relatives are a bit different. i actually see some change in my older brothers lately, believe it or not. I still would not tell them i am a cd, or have cded. I did hint though in a another letter, and i think they are not as offended. They arent perfect eirther. And older age and prison life has made them see some crazy stuff, so maybe they are changing some. I o=used to be very redneck myself, but i now realize we all have skeletons in our closets, or other things, like dresses! I am hardly ever dressing now that i have a few painful injuries from a fall, and realize the sands of time are running low for me, and i better get my house in order soon.

[Jill_cd]

Alice, I am so happy and relieved to hear your news! Please take care of yourself.

[kimdl93]

I am relieved that this all worked out. I sometimes have to remind myself that the worst thing may not happen.

[Helen_Highwater]

Alice,

Glad it worked out for you.

As for your admirer, tread carefully. There are a lot of scammers out there who shower you with kind complements and then ask if you could lend them $100 so they can come and see you, then it's another $300 for a hotel room to stay in. Soon you're broke. They're cunning and good at what they do.

[Alice Torn]

Helen, I am finished with admirers, and i really want a special GG in my life now, but nned to be good to myself, whether i ever have a GG friend or not. No more male admirers for me. I am having serious health issues now, and am not dressing now. Reality checks and push coming to shove in health.