A journey ends and a journey begins!

[sparks]

Hi ya'll! Just little Sparks coming to a whole big inner discovery that I would like to share with you! The last few months here have been a tremendous help! Since my stumbling onto this site I've been here as much as possible! It took a great amount of courage to join! I'm more of a timid rabbit these days hiding more and more without even realizing it! I've never been a strong willed person nor have I ever had much of self confidence or self assurance. To be quite truthful inwordly I often put myself down saying: you're not smart enough, your not good enough, your not talented enough! Well this site has helped with all of this and then some!
Yesterday I came out again to my wife! She has a history with CDing that has never been positive! I hid mine from her because of love! From the get go I loved her! On our first date I looked into her eyes and new I was going to marry this beautiful person! She told me it was the same for her! She is a strong, intelligent, caring person who has held me up more than once!
I knew of her past with CDing and told myself "you can quit!" and I did for awhile but started again! Probably all of you have went through this! Now i was caught in a deceitful web! Many years went past before I told her! But I did in my often cowardly fashion also one that lovers often do! I started the statement she finished it! A time of openness, a time of closeness ended and years of separation started! Most likely this story is the same for alot of you.
I often steel the strength from my wife cause I have little of my own! I rely to heavily on her cause I often lack the sterner stuff of which she is made!
Yesterday! I realized alot of our problems with CDing were not ours but mine!
I told her of the forum, how I have difficulties talking to her about such things! She touched my cheeck and simply said "I know!" continuing I told her of how I message people, maybe making friends, getting advice! Also I told her that I wish she would Join or check this place out, that their are wives who feel the same as her!
Her Reply as always short and sweet! "No" she than said that it was good for me that maybe I will find the balance I need and she cannot help me cause she does not understand it. Her biggest concern that I would become a chat room posting junkie! We laughed!
it took most of the day to reflect on all of this! she has already accepted me for who I am! Our Don't ask don't tell policy may have been my making! As I recall the few long ago conversations wher she tried to get me to talk about as uncomfortable as it was for her! I was the one who could not!
So than I was forced to think about what has brought me here! I went through alot to make here I looked at a lot of porn which upset my wife to no end as I made this journey! What was going on inside of me what attracts me to Cding! I read what I could find on the net!
A huge question hung around me "why would a thirty-five year old man want to wear a bra and butt-flause! I could not wrap my head around this for anything! But last night I layed there thinking about this question! But the answer was never there nor would it ever be there! The answer lyed in another question! why would a four year want to wear a bra?
Cding has been around for me that long! I believe the answer is simply because it is me genetically or not. It is in me! Accept it, maybe nuture it but definitely move on!
I've been I guess in a depression for awhile now! I don't know if I can just snap my fingers and it will stop or not! But I will try!
This site has been invaluable to be in such a short few months, I wanted all the answers in just a few days when I first got here! Didn't work I tried to read it all and unlike Tamara I couldn't! Alot of you touched me and made me laugh and as with wife I stole something from each everyone of you and taken it into my heart
To those who have touched me thank you!
Tamara an incredible gg surrounded by cd's. Who has incredible inner stength to keep this place the way it is. Plus a really big hammer!
Gypsy Karen A beautiful person inside and out. Suffers from Thor hair envy but an incredible battle cry! Moo
Julie Avery A quick wit with a caring personality. Strange rabbit fetish though!
Julie York whose threads and postings never cease to make me laugh!
Cathy Anderson with text book answers for everything! Admirable
MelissaCd who helped me from the beginning! Compassionate!
Janelle a wonderful girl who doesn't like the rain!
Joy Carter! What can i say Joy I love our talks! Thought you were SGt. Rock but mor akin to Rosemary Clooney!
Kathy GG Stunningly gorgeous and intelligent! Whom I guess oneday went Cd hunting found one and married her!
Lovable Tina! An amazingly free spirit and a comic collection to die for!
Crusadergirl! who taught me heros don't need capes
There are so many others to name them all would be lengthy and this already is. I may not have had any contact at all with you but still you've helped me!
I think I will still come here but just not for the necessity I believe I needed! i will come because I like too!

Thank you all A chapter closes for me and I start new with the acceptance of me!

A Sparks thought of the day! Brought to you by the Spasmatic Lycra Company of Walla Walla Washington!

[Julie Avery]

Sounds like some very good things are going on there, Sparks. I'm not going to use any exclamation points in this post so that, between us, we don't create a global shortage ;) All I can say is, it's great to watch a beautiful flower blossom in the springtime.

[EricaCD]

Sparks: Congratulations on getting to this stage!

Erica's hypothesis of the week follows. My guess is that at least 100 people have posted something similar. But it's new to me!

I think there is a simple reason so many frustrated, conflicted CDs get so much from this site. For years, my quest for support was really a search to answer the question "why do I want to do this?" I definitely have the (at the risk of generalizing) typically masculine trait of wanting to know cause and effect for everything. Even if I didn't consider my dressing a problem, I wanted to know what impelled me to do it. And I am now convinced that the inability to answer that question was what caused 90% of my internal conflict. And, paradoxically, watching a large universe of CDs try and fail to answer "why" was actually negative feedback!

The minute you enter this group, and start looking at the forums, we generally leave the "why" question at the door. Certainly there are discussions on the topic, and discussions of related topics in psychology, social sciences, anthropology and medicine - most of which are quite beyond my comprehension :) But the general sense seems to be:

1. most of us don't know why we dress.
2. it's not likely to be one common reason.
3. other than as an abstract question, many here are ok with not knowing.

Once I stopped focusing on the "why" question, everything fell into place. It is now clear that, at least for me, asking "why?" was shorthand for asking "what's wrong with me?" I have stopped caring about why, and in the last 6 weeks have arrived at a higher level of self-acceptance than ever before. I feel, in a word, great. I thank each and every one of you for creating, in your own inimitable -- and in some cases downright odd ;) -- ways, the only forum in which I have ever felt truly at home.

Erica

[crusadergirl]

Live your life the best you can thats all anyone can do. You have helped me alot and others in this room have done the same. Fight for what you believe in and you will live a good life. We are all heros here.


I believe in all of you. The soul of a warrior is in all of us!!!!

[SherriePall]

Sparks --
It's a two-way street you know. You have touched us and enlightened us, too. Your post shows your growth. You have sought "The Answer" which may elude all of us for our entire lives. Why do we do what we do? Why would a __-old-man wear pantyhose and heels and all the rest? "The Answer" may be blowing in the wind, but I don't think we will ever catch it. The best we can do is to take what we have and be kind and helpful to others like us. To understand that others can't understand at all what we can't comprehend either. I've rambled. Thanks for writing that post.

[Joy Carter]

Love Ya Pal !

[Michele]

Thats what Edna said, in the Incredibles.... Did you know that Edna's voice was done by a guy?

All joking aside, for many years I was confused... I concealed that I was a Crossdresser from my wife.. I thought many years ago that I could be cured by marriage... before the WWW... I was unique... etc... Or thought that these feelings would subside. We just had our 10th Anniversary. I told her all about it in 1998. She is very involved in CDSO. To this day it is difficult for me to discuss... I am deep in the closet... but I have a wife who is very understanding and supportive.

Michele

[Casey Morgan]

That's great news sparks. I hope things keep getting better and better for you.

[dancinginthedark]

Once I stopped focusing on the "why" question, everything fell into place. It is now clear that, at least for me, asking "why?" was shorthand for asking "what's wrong with me?" I have stopped caring about why, and in the last 6 weeks have arrived at a higher level of self-acceptance than ever before. I feel, in a word, great. I thank each and every one of you for creating, in your own inimitable -- and in some cases downright odd ;) -- ways, the only forum in which I have ever felt truly at home.

Erica

Erica,
Some things can't be said enough and you said it well. I'm so happy for you all who have stopped asking "why" and just accepted yourself for the wonderful person you are.

[Marla S]

Good Luck, Sparks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You'll make it.

[GypsyKaren]

Aw shucks maam, just doin my job. Acceptance is the key to it all, once you get there it's a pretty cool place to be. Moo!

Karen

[Sam-antha]

It takes two to Tango and the more than two of us in here are glad youare withus and happy.

[sparks]

Just to add my wife felt bad for snafuing the idea for checking out the forum! She just doesn't feel she has the need! I told her it would not only help her understand me but a big part of her past! She said sure as hell doen't need to deal with that!
what was that a warning bell going off there! Danger! Will Robinson! Danger!
Such a response hmm! No tension there!

Anyway thank you girls for the warm fuzzy feelings! Or is that the booze and is the cat sleeping on my head again!