AlexaWayward
07-11-2021, 04:30 PM
Hello everyone and thanks for your support and acceptance.
My name is Alexa. Today, I'd like to attempt to bring to light how I came out to my SO. This is an extremely personal topic to me, as it uncovers the layer cake of but one aspect of our multi-faceted lives. The story of Alexa is one of constant self-discovery that is intricately linked to my sexual awakening, my self understanding, my self image, and my relationship with my partner.
I've now sat for a couple days with just the above paragraph wondering how to format this. There is no real way to explain this, so I'll be starting with a recap of my most recent milestones and elaborate on other relevant moments.
For the first time, I stood in front of the mirror fully dressed up and made-up. I stood there judging myself yet feeling damn cute. My wife was oohing and ahhing, asking me to turn around so she could take a picture. My cheeks flared - despite a layer of make-up, my blushing burned through. I spent the whole afternoon dressed up at home. I even went outside to our patio for a smoke, secretly practicing my posture and gesture.
I was missing heels. I was missing longer hair. My make-up was sloppy. I needed more flattering clothes. I should work on my figure. And the list goes on... Maybe in the moment, it all looks like I'm judging myself heavily, but on the other hand, I am exploring the possibilities of becoming Alexa (in one way or other). This is, really, where my wife comes in.
Layla and I met in a metaphorical thunderstorm of perfect moments. Our relationship started off based on our deep gratitude for each other. We developed a friendship unlike any I'd had before - one that holds communication and acceptance as cornerstones (among others). Even through our hardships, challenges, and life's curveballs, we continue to be honest with each other, and, in turn, ourselves.
At this point, I need to state that I had no idea that Alexa existed. I was, however, internally deeply ashamed and intrigued by a secret experience with cis male that had occured before Layla and I had met. I never knew I would eventually reveal Alexa to her (and myself) when I told Layla about that experience. This had all started with me being open with my partner about my sexual past.
This went incredibly well. I was lighter. I was free of the burden of shame and secrecy. In our own ways, we both continued to explore what this all meant. Through the ebb and flow, I found I was exploring my sexuality very deeply. Whenever I would realize something about myself through the process, I worked up the courage to tell her all about it. It's never easy to say it. Even when I've shared things before, it's always difficult to take something internal and form it into coherent words for someone else to, hopefully, recieve gracefully. Thankfully, Layla did, and asked me to continue sharing things as they came up instead of dropping a build up of news that would shock her.
Over a few years, I kind of waited patiently for Layla to join me in my play time. I fabricated fantasies, I created scenes, I moved in and out of fetishizing the experience and really embodying it. It's not black and white.
One day, things started to click. Images from my past started to become clearer. Of course, culture, environment, family, society, and many other factors had a part to play in the systemetic suppression of this expression of myself. I decided to try a few things outside of secrecy and intimacy. I wanted to face some real physical changes.
Since I've always explored different ways of styling my hair and beard, I began occasionally going for Brazilians. I've always trimmed, but this was a completely new experience. By now, I don't think I need to remind you that Layla always knew about those events. I was never able to really explain the process as it went, but whenever she asked and tried to understand, I would sit and talk about it; to overcome shyness, shame, guilt, and even my own knee-jerk defensiveness, or her lashing out of shock.
It was all ok. We love each other. And it's not weird. There is nothing wrong with me.
Over the course of maybe a couple of years, I started to feel this person in me. At first, I chalked it up to an alter-ego in times of increased sexual frustration. Later, 'she' started to show herself more.
One day, Layla was in the shower and we had been talking earlier about some relevant stuff. I decided to put on some girly clothes and came in to the bathroom to surprise her. She loved it. She didn't play along, or try to rationalize it, but simply accepted and we giggled about things and the night went on. I was back in my PJs by the time she stepped out of the bathroom.
After that, I told Layla that I'd like to really feel all these beautiful materials on my skin and that I'd like to try grooming my body hair. To be honest, I think there was more resistance from Layla regarding this aspect. It seemed drastic to her; something that challenged the stereotypical male image. Ultimately, she was understanding and suggested different options. She even went as far as to help me with the aftercare while I learned body positivity.
I tried all sorts of things, allowing my body to heal, and the hair to grow. And I found I was beginning to love my body and appreciate my image when fully smooth. She witnessed my renewed self-confidence. The validation and encouragement I recieved from her only comforted me further.
Shortly thereafter, I asked what she thought if I tried to publicly dress up for Halloween. It's a great excuse and I thought I could pull it off (not for others, but between me and myself). She responded with a resounding yes! This was March still, but I needed to prepare for this mentally as well as physically.
The autumn came and went, as did the winter. I had a few moments of exploring Alexa, but nothing concrete. I felt I wasn't ready yet.
As Spring started to give way to warmer weather, Layla had gone through all her clothes while doing the summer/winter flip and set aside a suitcase of things she no longer wanted. Because the conversation about Alexa and my self-discovery is always on the table, she offered me to choose what I wanted from her give away pile without a second thought.
I modeled for her a little. She got excited and helped me order foundation. Then we went and bought my missing make-up items together. And it all led to me finally being dressed and made-up.
My focus now, embodying Alexa, is to have my very own wardrobe. As much as I love the hand-me-downs, I would love to have my own style - outfit(s) and heels. I still would like to realize my dream of dressing up publicly. I know, without a doubt, that I can count on Layla to continue discussing and sharing this experience.
I honestly don't know what all this means for me. I have since told a couple of good friends and have been so blessed to be seen as I truly am. One friend told me to do it for my own pleasure without trying to put labels on it. Another shared some nice fashions items.
There is no way anybody can tell you how to go about sharing the deepest parts of yourself with someone else - SO or not. I hope that by reading my process, you can gain a better understanding of yourself and your process. Should you wish to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out.
I am still learning and I am incredibly happy.
Thank you for your time.
My name is Alexa. Today, I'd like to attempt to bring to light how I came out to my SO. This is an extremely personal topic to me, as it uncovers the layer cake of but one aspect of our multi-faceted lives. The story of Alexa is one of constant self-discovery that is intricately linked to my sexual awakening, my self understanding, my self image, and my relationship with my partner.
I've now sat for a couple days with just the above paragraph wondering how to format this. There is no real way to explain this, so I'll be starting with a recap of my most recent milestones and elaborate on other relevant moments.
For the first time, I stood in front of the mirror fully dressed up and made-up. I stood there judging myself yet feeling damn cute. My wife was oohing and ahhing, asking me to turn around so she could take a picture. My cheeks flared - despite a layer of make-up, my blushing burned through. I spent the whole afternoon dressed up at home. I even went outside to our patio for a smoke, secretly practicing my posture and gesture.
I was missing heels. I was missing longer hair. My make-up was sloppy. I needed more flattering clothes. I should work on my figure. And the list goes on... Maybe in the moment, it all looks like I'm judging myself heavily, but on the other hand, I am exploring the possibilities of becoming Alexa (in one way or other). This is, really, where my wife comes in.
Layla and I met in a metaphorical thunderstorm of perfect moments. Our relationship started off based on our deep gratitude for each other. We developed a friendship unlike any I'd had before - one that holds communication and acceptance as cornerstones (among others). Even through our hardships, challenges, and life's curveballs, we continue to be honest with each other, and, in turn, ourselves.
At this point, I need to state that I had no idea that Alexa existed. I was, however, internally deeply ashamed and intrigued by a secret experience with cis male that had occured before Layla and I had met. I never knew I would eventually reveal Alexa to her (and myself) when I told Layla about that experience. This had all started with me being open with my partner about my sexual past.
This went incredibly well. I was lighter. I was free of the burden of shame and secrecy. In our own ways, we both continued to explore what this all meant. Through the ebb and flow, I found I was exploring my sexuality very deeply. Whenever I would realize something about myself through the process, I worked up the courage to tell her all about it. It's never easy to say it. Even when I've shared things before, it's always difficult to take something internal and form it into coherent words for someone else to, hopefully, recieve gracefully. Thankfully, Layla did, and asked me to continue sharing things as they came up instead of dropping a build up of news that would shock her.
Over a few years, I kind of waited patiently for Layla to join me in my play time. I fabricated fantasies, I created scenes, I moved in and out of fetishizing the experience and really embodying it. It's not black and white.
One day, things started to click. Images from my past started to become clearer. Of course, culture, environment, family, society, and many other factors had a part to play in the systemetic suppression of this expression of myself. I decided to try a few things outside of secrecy and intimacy. I wanted to face some real physical changes.
Since I've always explored different ways of styling my hair and beard, I began occasionally going for Brazilians. I've always trimmed, but this was a completely new experience. By now, I don't think I need to remind you that Layla always knew about those events. I was never able to really explain the process as it went, but whenever she asked and tried to understand, I would sit and talk about it; to overcome shyness, shame, guilt, and even my own knee-jerk defensiveness, or her lashing out of shock.
It was all ok. We love each other. And it's not weird. There is nothing wrong with me.
Over the course of maybe a couple of years, I started to feel this person in me. At first, I chalked it up to an alter-ego in times of increased sexual frustration. Later, 'she' started to show herself more.
One day, Layla was in the shower and we had been talking earlier about some relevant stuff. I decided to put on some girly clothes and came in to the bathroom to surprise her. She loved it. She didn't play along, or try to rationalize it, but simply accepted and we giggled about things and the night went on. I was back in my PJs by the time she stepped out of the bathroom.
After that, I told Layla that I'd like to really feel all these beautiful materials on my skin and that I'd like to try grooming my body hair. To be honest, I think there was more resistance from Layla regarding this aspect. It seemed drastic to her; something that challenged the stereotypical male image. Ultimately, she was understanding and suggested different options. She even went as far as to help me with the aftercare while I learned body positivity.
I tried all sorts of things, allowing my body to heal, and the hair to grow. And I found I was beginning to love my body and appreciate my image when fully smooth. She witnessed my renewed self-confidence. The validation and encouragement I recieved from her only comforted me further.
Shortly thereafter, I asked what she thought if I tried to publicly dress up for Halloween. It's a great excuse and I thought I could pull it off (not for others, but between me and myself). She responded with a resounding yes! This was March still, but I needed to prepare for this mentally as well as physically.
The autumn came and went, as did the winter. I had a few moments of exploring Alexa, but nothing concrete. I felt I wasn't ready yet.
As Spring started to give way to warmer weather, Layla had gone through all her clothes while doing the summer/winter flip and set aside a suitcase of things she no longer wanted. Because the conversation about Alexa and my self-discovery is always on the table, she offered me to choose what I wanted from her give away pile without a second thought.
I modeled for her a little. She got excited and helped me order foundation. Then we went and bought my missing make-up items together. And it all led to me finally being dressed and made-up.
My focus now, embodying Alexa, is to have my very own wardrobe. As much as I love the hand-me-downs, I would love to have my own style - outfit(s) and heels. I still would like to realize my dream of dressing up publicly. I know, without a doubt, that I can count on Layla to continue discussing and sharing this experience.
I honestly don't know what all this means for me. I have since told a couple of good friends and have been so blessed to be seen as I truly am. One friend told me to do it for my own pleasure without trying to put labels on it. Another shared some nice fashions items.
There is no way anybody can tell you how to go about sharing the deepest parts of yourself with someone else - SO or not. I hope that by reading my process, you can gain a better understanding of yourself and your process. Should you wish to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out.
I am still learning and I am incredibly happy.
Thank you for your time.