"You're not getting that one?"

[Bea_]

My wife and I went to Marshall's yesterday. It's our usual hangout. For the most part, I follow her around and do some stealth browsing and will drop an item into the cart on occasion. Yesterday, I added a couple of tops to the cart before she went to the dressing rooms.

My wife is in an electric wheelchair and I will usually assist her in the handicap dressing room. I did so yesterday and I took the opportunity to try on the two tops I'd chosen for myself. Both tops fit and both were kinda borderline at being "my style". I ultimately determined that I'd wait and save my wardrobe money for something that was less borderline. I didn't express that to her before we left the dressing room and, as I handed both to the assistant to be returned to the rack, my wife saw and asked, not particularly quietly, "Your not getting that one?". There's no doubt what the SA was holding in her hand and there were a couple of women within earshot who couldn't help but overhear.

The twenty something sales girl has two women's top in her hand and there is no doubt as to what my wife's question implied. I didn't say anything as we left to the register to pay for her purchases but pointed out her question when we got to the car. She apologized for not thinking it through but, oddly, I took it as a sort of defining moment. I'd just been outed to a cute 20 something sales girl and somehow felt good about it instead of bad. I appreciate my wife being concerned that I got what I wanted. And I appreciate that I'm getting closer to the point that I can just own it. I'm not totally there yet, but it was a nice step.

[Micki_Finn]

Remember that asking our SOs to keep our secret can be an enormous burden, so you have to be understanding of the occasional slip.

[DianeT]

Micki, very true.
Bea, congrats, it seems that you take care of each other. Long life to your couple.

[kimdl93]

I sometimes wonder why it feels good to share one’s secret with others, even if they are strangers, but there is no question that it does. Perhaps its a way of experiencing some level of acceptance. What do you think?

[NewSally]

I sometimes wonder why it feels good to share one?s secret with others, even if they are strangers, but there is no question that it does. Perhaps its a way of experiencing some level of acceptance. What do you think?

I think it comes down to the fact that when you tell a secret to a stranger Kim, there's less chance of that person being judgemental, something we all wrestle with when telling that same secret to a friend or family member. My two cents.

[Stephanie47]

You know it could have worked out totally different. I remember several years ago one of our members when trying to check out at a register the associate could not handle the implication and another sales associate had to complete the transaction.

[GracieRose]

I had a similar situation a few months ago. I was dressed and with my wife. We were at an overlook in a national park. I was taking pictures with my cell phone. A young woman walked over to the edge of the parking lot to take pictures of the view. Since I happened to be pointing the camera in her general direction, she hesitated and backed up a little so that she would not be in my picture. My wife said to her "That's OK, your not in HIS way". If my appearance didn't out me, that sure did. Either the HIS didn't register with her (unlikely) or she didn't care (probably more likely). We did see her at the next overlook and exchanged pleasantries and had a discussion about some birds nesting nearby.

[char GG]

GracieRose,

I can sympathize with you and your wife. After living with my husband for many years, it's harder for me to switch pronouns back and forth than if I had to do it for a stranger. It's so natural to call him a "he". He finally told me that he doesn't mind, even if he is dressed femme, because he is a "he". (Thanks hubby)

[Bea_]

Remember that asking our SOs to keep our secret can be an enormous burden, so you have to be understanding of the occasional slip.

I'm sure you are totally right but, in my case, I throttle my presentation to keep from embarrassing her. I never present as a woman but I'm sure that if she were comfortable with the idea, I would be more androgynous on a regular basis. And her slip was totally understandable and understood. It was actually and endearing moment.

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You know it could have worked out totally different. I remember several years ago one of our members when trying to check out at a register the associate could not handle the implication and another sales associate had to complete the transaction.

I really don't know how the SA reacted. I was already walking away when the wife asked about the top and I just answered without looking back. I'm sure she had something to talk about later. I've had one cashier give me the major stink eye when I bought the first panties I ever purchased. I've never had any obvious response, one way or the other, in all my purchases since. I'm sure some find it to be disgusting, some find it to be a curiosity and others find it to be brave. Mostly, my wife runs interference for me while we shop the aisles but I often head to the register alone. She'll head to other stores in the strip center while I pay and I'm sure many a cashier has had questions...

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I had a similar situation a few months ago. I was dressed and with my wife. We were at an overlook in a national park. I was taking pictures with my cell phone. A young woman walked over to the edge of the parking lot to take pictures of the view. Since I happened to be pointing the camera in her general direction, she hesitated and backed up a little so that she would not be in my picture. My wife said to her "That's OK, your not in HIS way". If my appearance didn't out me, that sure did. Either the HIS didn't register with her (unlikely) or she didn't care (probably more likely). We did see her at the next overlook and exchanged pleasantries and had a discussion about some birds nesting nearby.

I'm definitely in the He/Him/His category and my wardrobe is strictly for the house so far, so my wife wouldn't have that problem. But, from your story, it seems just as preferable to be treated respectfully and pleasantly after the "reveal" as to not be outed. I'm sure the dream is to never be clocked, but next best is to be accepted anyway.

[suzanne]

What's the problem here? Your wife knows of and accepts your dressing. It sounds like you were in male mode for that outing, but you don't need to be, because the only one whose opinion matters accepts you. Sales staff don't care what you wear. They really don't. You don't need to hide.

[Bea_]

What's the problem here? Your wife knows of and accepts your dressing. It sounds like you were in male mode for that outing, but you don't need to be, because the only one whose opinion matters accepts you. Sales staff don't care what you wear. They really don't. You don't need to hide.

If you read it as a problem, maybe I wasn't able to express the situation adequately. My wife is accepting at home, but is not wanting the world to know. The fact that she let her guard down long enough to let a slip like that get by is a tiny step forward. If my wife were comfortable with any public display, I'm sure I'd be more open about my androgynous side. Making her comfortable is still the priority.