I told my wife-advice appreciated

[talkwithmelissa]

I just told my wife. I planned on preparing myself some more and telling her during the summer while the kids were not in school. I have been going out en-femme more lately, spending more time shopping, and more time on the computer. My wife was thinking I had a girlfriend. She did't freak out but doesn't understand.
I spent the next day with her while the kids were in school. At one point we went into a shoe store because she needed to look for shoes. It is not uncommon for me to go with her shopping. Up until then she didn't say anything about CDing and I thought she was doing fine with it. All of a sudden she told me she doesn't see me as the same person, kind of felt disgusted, and didn't know what would become of us. She said it might be easier to deal with me cheating. She even asked me if I was looking for shoes for myself as she was shopping. I told her that she should come here, talk with some of the wives that I somewhat know, talk with whoever she needs to (mom, friend, etc) and we should go to counciling.
I think we will be fine in the end. Time heals all wounds. Thanks for being here for us. Any advice would be appreciated.
By the way, I am glad I told her as I feel better that I don't have to lie anymore. That was my biggest problem about being in the closet.

[Anita Mae GG]

Best advice I can give you is take it slow and compile some info for her on the subject. That is how I became accepting, learning, reading and communicating....

Good Luck!

[TGMarla]

Give her time, have patience, and stay calm with her even when she isn't with you. If she asks you about shoes, answer with an amused smile and say something like, "Maybe....not really.." or something like that. Don't lie, or duck the question. Just be yourself, and be honest. She'll see that you really are the same person that she's known for all this time.

[Julie Avery]

I just want to let you know I'm hoping for the best for you. You've made a difficult decision, with integrity and courage, and you can be proud of that.

[BrookeMckayla]

Hi Melissa,

That's great that you told her and she didn't have a meltdown! I was afraid the world would end if I told my wife or anyone, for that matter.

I'm still pretty new here, only being out to my wife about a month and a half now, so my advice is rather limited. But, I would say it is important to keep the lines of communication open. Talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more.

I think my wife's biggest fear was that she wondered whether this meant I was on my way out the door or that I didn't love her or wanted out. I think we went over every question I have read on all the boards about this subject, the first and second night I told her. She asked me just about everything. And the thing that seemed to bother her most, was that she didn't know if I wanted to end our relationship because of this. I let her know that I love her, and that leaving wasn't part of the plan. I also thought it was important to make sure she understands it is not HER fault by any means whatsoever. I also encouraged her to get involved in a support group.

My next step is for a Therapist. And to keep talking with my best friend.

Good luck to you! Sounds like you're off to a good start.

Hugz,
Brooke

[Annaliese]

I just told my wife. I planned on preparing myself some more and telling her during the summer while the kids were not in school. I have been going out en-femme more lately, spending more time shopping, and more time on the computer. My wife was thinking I had a girlfriend. She did't freak out but doesn't understand.
I spent the next day with her while the kids were in school. At one point we went into a shoe store because she needed to look for shoes. It is not uncommon for me to go with her shopping. Up until then she didn't say anything about CDing and I thought she was doing fine with it. All of a sudden she told me she doesn't see me as the same person, kind of felt disgusted, and didn't know what would become of us. She even asked me if I was looking for shoes for myself as she was shopping. I told her that she should come here, talk with some of the wives that I somewhat know, talk with whoever she needs to (mom, friend, etc) and we should go to counciling.
I think we will be fine in the end. Time heals all wounds. Thanks for being here for us. Any advice would be appreciated.

I have been out to my wife for about 6 years now and she has even took one of my sweeters , we were shoping at wal-mart last night and I pick out some GG tee shirt that I like and she said I will have to barrow those, they are nice. Then she said I can belive I said that I will never accept this or understand it. She then said You have put up with me, a lot over the years (she has a bad temper), so I will put up with this then gave me a hug. You are right time will heal all wounds but it take time and patence.

Anna

[Maddie]

Mellissa

I hope everything works out fot the best
let me know if i can help

Maddie

[mellisa's wife]

My advice to you - if she asks questions, be 100% truthfull with her. Your secret has now become HER secret if you - like most of the cders here - are in the closet - making this a very private lifestyle. SHE is now "in the closet" also and that is a very confining place to be with unanswered questions.

Have her join and join the GG forum. It has helped greatly and I know it will continually help me for a long long time. THere is always something to talk about, cd related or not.

Good luck.

[DonnaT]

You might try finding a chapter of Tri-Ess near you. Maybe http://www.triessnj.org/snr/

Meeting other CDs and finding most of them pleasant to talk to has helped my wife.

[dancinginthedark]

Hello there. I think with a bit of time this will be easier for her to take. Don't mean to sound like it is some horrible thing one has to tolerate. It isn't. It is a part of you that she needs to get to know and understand.
I think you are right on the money on advising her to come here. Maybe you could leave her a list of sites she would find helpful. Add a note to the list if she would be able to post or not and if the site has a GG forum as well. I know I wish my own DH [dear husband or damn husband depending on mood] had thought to do this for me. I only found out a couple of months back and I know I moved a lot further in my acceptance and understanding in large part to my being able to read and post here in the MTF forum. [Takes some time to get into the GG forum and I wanted and needed the CD-er POV too--still do.] Oh, maybe print out some of the good posts here from both sides of it and put somewhere for her to find and read when she is alone. I would definitely add the “now I like it, now I don’t” post to your printed material.
Make sure you do not just present to her in any thing femme until she is ready for it. It is a definite mistake to assume wearing something around her will speed up her acceptance. Someone in a post I read once [not sure where now] did not understand why the wife was so unaccepting since he/she now wore her panties 24/7 and a baby-doll nightly so she would get used to it, after all s/he reasoned since the wife did know now he/she had no need to hide anything any more. I would have freaked out had my husband done that to me.
Talk to her a lot. You will get a lot of questions and yes, there may be some you have not even considered yet yourself. Make sure she knows she will still have her husband too. I worried about this one. I worried that if I said I accepted his CD-ing that would that mean I would no longer get to see/spent time with and make love with my husband [in drab or male mode].
That said, I married a man and I have the right to expect to spend time with him. Compromise is vital here. As a wife I expect to see him in drab more often than glam. That's just my POV and for others it may be completely different. Also know nothing is set in stone. As a woman I often change my mind. What was okay today may not be tomorrow. And while I may have said, "No way in H3ll!" before about something to do with the CD-ing tomorrow, next week or next month [as my comfort levels and acceptance go up] I may say, "Yes" the next time you ask.
In the beginning assume the worse as far as her state of mind. Better to be safe than sorry here. So when you go shopping make sure to make a comment along the lines of, "I love shopping for shoes for you." If you get "the look" :Angry3: then be blunt but kind and say, "No, honey. I am not lusting for the red heels over there. I really am here strictly as your husband." [maybe say it with a gentle smile to take the sting out of the words. Trust me, she will be very sensitive now. So even when you do not mean the words to be harsh they may seem that way to her simply because of the content.] Even if you are lusting for those great heels, now is not the time to blurt out that little gem. Now is the time to put her and her needs first. The pay off later on will make this time out you take from seeing a shopping trip as a chance to scope out the latest styles [and maybe dreaming about what clothes or shoes you want] very much worth it. That payoff? A wife and partner would loves and accepts you. And isn't "unconditional love" what we all want and need from someone? [Aren’t you glad you asked now? You get to listen to your own wife b*tch and someone else’s too. :mad: He-he. Sorry. Shouldn’t kid right now. I am pretty sure you aren’t in the mood for me to be a smart ass. I’ll behave now.]
I am going to have to assume that like most of the guys/ladies here you are straight. So make sure your wife knows that. When she asks you for more information that does not mean what kind of clothes you would love to buy now that she knows. It also does not mean she is any where ready to hear all about any sexual fantasies you can see yourself sharing with her while “dressed” now that she knows either. Check out Dixie_Darling’s site. Lots of great information there. (((Dixie))) I love that woman for having the good sense to offer all of the great insight and information. And for pointing me to it when I needed it most. Listen to the guys here who have been through this themselves. Yes, I know ladies. I know. When you are here you are “ladies” and normally I would address every one as the lady I know them to be but trust me when your wife is listening to this news you should be first and foremost her “man”. Treat her like you are her man now not her new best friend. Don’t point out how lucky she is to have the best of both worlds now. :rolleyes: Let her come to that discovery on her own. You have just told her there is another woman in your life after all, even if that woman is you.
I think you are great by the way. I am standing on my soap box applauding not only your courage in telling your wife but your compassion in seeking out help for her too. Remember to come here often for all the support you need now too. You need someone to lean on too. Don’t forget to take a few moments here and there to take care of you. I know you want to help your wife right now, and I think it’s great you do [more applause], but you aren’t going to be of much help if you are so stressed and upset yourself you can’t be there for her. Let your friends here help you out. Now, if you won’t be offended by it, I feel compelled to hug you. ((((hugs)))

[KimberlyS]

I will ditto
My advice to you - if she asks questions, be 100% truthfull with her. Your secret has now become HER secret if you - like most of the cders here - are in the closet - making this a very private lifestyle. SHE is now "in the closet" also and that is a very confining place to be with unanswered questions.

Have her join and join the GG forum. It has helped greatly and I know it will continually help me for a long long time. There is always something to talk about, cd related or not.

Good luck.

and add to that: Communication, Communication, Communication. And if you need a third party or professional involved to assist with the communication get one involved!!!!!!!!

And I do not mean to push her or give her information overload. But do keep the communication open and flowing. Allow her to lead the discussions if possible. And let her know you are open to talking at any time, and then take the time to talk to her.

If it is better for you wife, set up specific times ahead of time if needed. That way you both know the discussion is coming up and can be more prepared to talk. Some people can not deal with suddenly discussing a topic that they do not want to talk about.

My wife and I would write letters to each other and then discuss them later. This allowed us to stay focused to what we wanted to say to each other without drifting too far and forgetting what we wanted to talk about or say.

Good Luck,

KimberlyS-CD

[Kaylee Ann]

Hi-
Just in my experience, but... I think those are common first reactions.
If you show her that this will not involve other people to divide your intimacy with her, and that it is still -her- that you want to be with, this should turn out okay.
Also, if this brings out the most gentle, loving side of yourself, that will show her that this part of yourself is actually a good thing.
Just give it time, and if you need to talk, you're welcome to write me.

Your friend,
Kaylee Ann

[BrookeMckayla]

My advice to you - if she asks questions, be 100% truthfull with her. Your secret has now become HER secret if you - like most of the cders here - are in the closet - making this a very private lifestyle. SHE is now "in the closet" also and that is a very confining place to be with unanswered questions.

Have her join and join the GG forum. It has helped greatly and I know it will continually help me for a long long time. THere is always something to talk about, cd related or not.

Good luck.

Hey ya know . . .thanks for that perspective. I was thinking I came out to my wife, but in reality I just invited her into my closet.

I totally agree with you about the 100% honesty thing. It felt so good to finally just talk and say what I felt without filtering it. When I came out to her (or better yet, when I invited her in), this was not a time for half-truths. She deserves the whole truth. And that was part of the anxiety I felt before I told her - constantly hiding and filtering my ideas and expressions. Evaluating which ones I can share with her, so as not to blow my cover . . .omg I wonder how much effort, time, and feelings I've wasted trying to be someone who I am not.

[RuthChambers]

This may be useful link for your wife

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/index.html

Articles by partners about living with a trans person.

Ruth

[Dixie Darling]

Melissa,

It sounds as though you could have a favorable situation with your wife if you play your cards correctly. She's probably like so many other GGs who have never been confronted with crossdressing up close and personal (i.e. - it's always someone ELSE who has a CDing husband or boyfriend) and therefore not something that she would necessarily by all that interested or concerned about. Once it becomes a personal matter it comes into the forefront.

Her lack of some good in-depth information about the subject is typical of someone who has never been in a close relationship with a crossdresser so supplying her with this information COULD produce a more favorable attitude about your dressing. If she is in agreement to do so, sit down at the computer with her and have her look over the information available on my web site. It's CLEAN and there's nothing there that should be offensive in text or pictures to either you OR to her. Discuss the material as you read it and most importantly COMMUNICATE with each other. That open communication is the key element in understanding each other. Bear in mind that this is all going to be new to her even though you've lived with it most all your life, so you may need to help her understand some of the acronymns and 'jargon' we use all the time without even thinking about it.

Best of luck and keep us informed as to what progress you make.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[sharifemme]

Melissa...

Telling a wife is most always a tradeoff for transgender people. We get to come out of the closet some and get relief from the deception we have guarded for years. What you have to realize is that by telling your wife, you put her INTO the closet and make it a little harder for her to relate to you unless/until she gains understanding. To gain that understanding, you have to be willing to talk with her about it, help her research it and maybe go to counseling together if the problem is severe enough. If you go to counseling, make sure you go to somebody experienced in dealing with gender issues.

Yes there is help on the web and it is certainly available here. One thing I found out is that many women won't go to a TG information site if there are pictures of TG people on it. It makes them uncomfortable, especially if they are non-accepting. Find some kind of support network you can both rely on.

I am hoping that your wife will realize that you are still you. A few simple pieces of cloth cut and styled differently than what she's used to seeing on you would be a silly thing to end a marriage over.


Sharifemme



I just told my wife. I planned on preparing myself some more and telling her during the summer while the kids were not in school. I have been going out en-femme more lately, spending more time shopping, and more time on the computer. My wife was thinking I had a girlfriend. She did't freak out but doesn't understand.
I spent the next day with her while the kids were in school. At one point we went into a shoe store because she needed to look for shoes. It is not uncommon for me to go with her shopping. Up until then she didn't say anything about CDing and I thought she was doing fine with it. All of a sudden she told me she doesn't see me as the same person, kind of felt disgusted, and didn't know what would become of us. She said it might be easier to deal with me cheating. She even asked me if I was looking for shoes for myself as she was shopping. I told her that she should come here, talk with some of the wives that I somewhat know, talk with whoever she needs to (mom, friend, etc) and we should go to counciling.
I think we will be fine in the end. Time heals all wounds. Thanks for being here for us. Any advice would be appreciated.
By the way, I am glad I told her as I feel better that I don't have to lie anymore. That was my biggest problem about being in the closet.

[steffie39]

Hi Melissa,

All the girls here seemed to have posted sound advice. I guess if you had to summarize in one word, patience would be the word. Acceptance never comes overnight and trying to rush it may set you back a little. I know after my wife and I had a small conflict last year, I made a concerted effort to do more things with her as my male self. For instance, before I never was crazy about going to the movies as a male (I was always tired from work, etc.) but when I did, it paid off and my wife and I grew closer. We now spend a lot of quality time as husband and wife and we go out often, even if just to go eat.

I also always ask my wife if I can go out when I go out as Steffie. I never take anything for granted and a lot of times she later goes out of her way to say she appreciates me doing that. Including her in this in that sense made for an even stronger relationship.

Anyway, my 2 cents. Good luck!

Steffie

[maid phylis]

I just told my wife. I planned on preparing myself some more and telling her during the summer while the kids were not in school. I have been going out en-femme more lately, spending more time shopping, and more time on the computer. My wife was thinking I had a girlfriend. She did't freak out but doesn't understand.
I spent the next day with her while the kids were in school. At one point we went into a shoe store because she needed to look for shoes. It is not uncommon for me to go with her shopping. Up until then she didn't say anything about CDing and I thought she was doing fine with it. All of a sudden she told me she doesn't see me as the same person, kind of felt disgusted, and didn't know what would become of us. She said it might be easier to deal with me cheating. She even asked me if I was looking for shoes for myself as she was shopping. I told her that she should come here, talk with some of the wives that I somewhat know, talk with whoever she needs to (mom, friend, etc) and we should go to counciling.
I think we will be fine in the end. Time heals all wounds. Thanks for being here for us. Any advice would be appreciated.
By the way, I am glad I told her as I feel better that I don't have to lie anymore. That was my biggest problem about being in the closet.
dear melissa.i am answering your problem.i have been cding for many years and i have been married over 30 years.in most of that time i was in the deepest closet and never mentioned to her that i was a cd.then a few years ago and finally getting a computer for our home i discovered crossdressing.i finally knew what i was .so after so many times trying to tell her i almost had a heart attack and i knew it was the time to tell her.it took about two hours describing what i had been going through these past years ,hiding my clothes in any thing i could i could find.what a terrible waste of money purging all the time and then going out and hunting some more things.so i finally told her and she took it rather well .as i told her that if i had to stop i probably would haved bit the bullet.so in my case waiting was good for me as she understands what i was going through.good luck with your wife...love phylisanne:luvu:

[steffie39]

Hi Melissa,

I'm sure you already heard what I'm about to say but I'll repeat it as it helped me:

I forgot to mention that what also helped me with my wife was when Steffie first came out to her, I would make and serve her breakfast in bed (as male)which I still do from time to time even to this day. Sometimes, I'll even iron her clothes for her (also as male). I know she likes that. In fact there were some instances where she even let me do those things dressed as Steffie. I don't think years ago I ever envisioned I would ever see myself ironing something for my wife dressed as female. lol I like doing these little extra things for her though, as it is my way of saying I love her and appreciate her accepting me. Without Steffie as a part of me, I probably would not have appreciated the little things like this that wives like. Anyway, my 0.02 .

Steffie

[Holly]

Melissa, there is nothing I can add to what has been said here other that the additional encouragement that there is life after disclosurer. You know your wife better that all of us. Increase your sensitivity to her needs and respond to them! Communicate at her at her pace. Remember, she will set the pace but it will be up to you to determine the direction. You will find yourself the moest vunerable you have ever been in your life as you will be bearing everything to her... your feelings, your desires, your very soul. As the others have said, be 100% honest with her!

And remember, we're all here to love and support BOTH of you!

[GGGIRL]

FONT="Garamond"][/FONT]
Hello Melissa - I am Deena's loving & adoring SO and since you & she are friends, I wanted to offer you support in your dilemna.
I am sure you are experiencing mixed feelings about telling your SO about your secret life. Although you must feel as a great weight has been lifted from your heart & soul, at the same time, you must be apprehensive about the repercussions of doing so. It may be difficult but be patient & understanding of what she is also going through. Your SO will be going through a gamut of feelings right now - shock, hurt, suprise, anger, disgust and finally acceptance hopefully. If she has had no exposure to our alternate lifestyle choices - it will take longer for her to understand how you feel. Many GG's may feel threatened as though they will lose you or that their feminity has been challenged. It will be up to you to make her feel secure and reassured that your feelings toward her are unchanged. It will be a rocky road ahead but if you can travel it together it can make your relationship much stronger than before. I offer you my shoulder, my support and my friendship if ever you need it.

Sincerely,
GGGIRL