Constant social pressure won?t change my mind but makes me unhappy

[Jessicajane]

There is a social pressure that I have been experiencing in different guises pushing me questioning me to fully transition and as much as I would dearly love to its not going to happen.. but this questioning is making me unhappy
So back story … I am Jess inside all the time but the world only sees her approx 80-85% of the time.. I work as Jess socialise as Jess but 15-20% I begrudgingly play a familiar role because this gives me 100% of my wife and 30yr marriage to a woman I love deeply.
She is not at peace with how I live the vast majority of my life but has found the strength of character and depth of love to stick with me with a few clear rules no surgical intervention no legal name change… she calls me by my male name..there are some other small things but these are the main red lines and I have accepted them and consider myself fortunate to continue our great relationship.

But society seems to hates or at least struggle with the concept of someone transitioning so far and holding back

An example tonight I went to get a covid test (Im double vaccinated and believe its a small cold but to return to my office (in isolation).. I have to have a negative test)
The lady spoke to me at the covid station I had to give my legal name and she looked at me and asked if I identified as male or female? I told her female and she asked why I hadnt changed my name yet and when would I….. to be honest I didnt appreciate the questioning but told her that keeping my original name meant keeping my wife and that was important to me …. she seemed to struggle with this concept and told me not to fret maybe one-day I would get the chance…I believe she was trying to be nice

This is one of numerous examples..people are not being mean they just dont grasp that a transition doesnt have to be all or nothing

Its hard enough compromising without this stealth pressure from people who need to mind their own business. Am I wrong..?

[Angela Marie]

I do think the lady in the office was trying to be nice. Change takes time. I think patience is a virtue in dealing with situations like this. Imagine doing this 20-30 years ago. You are lucky. I wish I could live as Angela 85% of the time.

[Joan_CD]

You aren’t alone with these feelings Jessica. I won’t fully transition for family reasons via surgery. I’ve been on hormones for several years and the changes make me feel better. I don’t know if you are on a hormone regime or even considering it, as that doesn’t constitute a surgical procedure. I think we need to realize that for many people interacting with us might be the first time they ever met a tg person. They can be curious and ask questions, some not always appropriate. And it might be hard for some to understand that we cannot always do what we would ultimately desire to achieve a level of peace in our lives. When asked I just say not at this time for various reasons. Yes, they tend to answer well maybe in the future. Hang in there. Remember your feelings are normal, albeit frustrating. But then again, no one said life would be easy! Take care. PS - your pictures show you as a very pretty women! Maybe that’s why people wonder why you don’t fully transition.

[GretchenM]

Jessica, your rationale for not going all the way with transition make perfect sense to me and I think they speak to a genuine woman in that part of your identity. It also is consistent with modern theory of the nature of gender identity. It is not one way or the other. The genuine woman part is your consideration for your wife and your love for her. That is empathy, sympathy, compassion and genuine love - women are really good at those things and obviously you are too.

As for those who pressure you to transition, stick to that which is in your heart and what you feel is appropriate for you and your total situation. Once again some of that pressure from others can come from their viewing gender in a different way from you. I am a bit like you, just a little bit though but I understand your feelings and experiences. The pressure I get is in the opposite direction though: "Why in the world are doing this to yourself?" That is the more common variety of pressure. But pressure is pressure. Follow your heart.

[Di]

[QUOTE=Jessicajane;4537869
The lady spoke to me at the covid station I had to give my legal name and she looked at me and asked if I identified as male or female? I told her female and she asked why I hadnt changed my name yet and when would I?.. to be honest I didnt appreciate the questioning but told her that keeping my original name meant keeping my wife and that was important to me ?. she seemed to struggle with this concept and told me not to fret maybe one-day I would get the chance?I believe she was trying to be nice

This is one of numerous examples..people are not being mean they just dont grasp that a transition doesnt have to be all or nothing

Its hard enough compromising without this stealth pressure from people who need to mind their own business. Am I wrong..?[/QUOTE]

As you said you believe she was trying to be nice. I think it is a fantastic thing , trying to understand. My daughter is in HR and comes to me for understanding when things come up and she educates the bosses . When someone is interested, wanting to understand it is a good thing .
With you saying keeping your original name meant keeping your wife ??she probably took it as you would change it but only wants to keep your wife happy ?.so saying do not fret maybe one day ( I took it as she thought your wife might change her mind ):
All good things . You are doing what makes you and your wife happy, the lady was just chit chatting, learning, being curious. I do not see it as stealth pressure I am sure she has no opinion one way or another?...just trying to understand.
The pressure might be yours , taking that from your wording hard enough to compromise.
Hope you get to go back to work, hope you see it as her just being interested, learning and caring . IMHO it is all good .

[Maid_Marion]

I don't see any pressure where I live. It may be that I live in a very accepting "Social Bubble" in a very blue state.
When I brought my car in to be repaired the lady who did the paperwork complemented me on my nails and said it (deep pink) was her favorite color.
Lots of people see me working on my yard and garden and thank me for the beautiful flowers.

Marion

[April Rose]

The concept of gender not being an absolute binary was so rarely discussed in my generation as to be non existent. I don't even remember reading on the net about non binary identity until ten years ago or less. It is still not a settled issue among trans spectrum people, let alone the general population. It is a concept that I am still trying to work out for myself with the help of a therapist. At 71, I have had a lot of life experience, but what part of that is relevant to our situation is hard to untangle.

Lewis and Clark are revered by all as great explorers, but I wonder how many people know that Meriwether Lewis was severely depressed, and took his own life in a gruesomely botched suicide which left him lingering in pain for 3 days before he died. It is not easy being a pioneer.

I think you are doing a good job of holding things in perspective. It requires a generous spirit. People will frustrate you, but giving yourself some slack may allow you to give them some slack as well. I feel your frustration, and I wish you a lot of luck.

[sometimes_miss]

The 'What do you identify as' question is now part of many initial healthcare interviews. My last doctor's office visit had it in the computer list of questions that the nurse getting my medical history had to ask. If you mention anything other than the obvious norm, it can trigger further questioning investigation, such as whether you feel the need to transition. Also, another 'routine' question that we have to ask now of everyone, is 'Do you ever feel like you'd want to hurt yourself, or anyone else?'. So don't be surprised if that one pops up, they're just legal 'cover your ass' questions that they may have to ask you these days. It's an effort to expand routine healthcare to make psychological health be included and considered just as important, and just as normal, as physical health. It's about time.

[Jessicajane]

Thank you everyone for your considered responses yes Joan I have been on hormones for some years now and they bring me an inner peace.
As for others saying the lady was doing her job and its a good thing that she was interested enough to talk I accept this rationale and yes maybe the pressure is easily triggered as I already carry the deep yearning inside of me .I understand that full transition would bring a slice of the real happiness cake but swiftly followed by a lifetime of chronic relationship indigestion..!..ok ok I have a food issue I am battling at the moment..! ��

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you everyone for your considered responses ? yes Joan I have been on hormones for some years now and they bring me an inner peace.
As for others saying the lady was doing her job and it?s a good thing that she was interested enough to talk? I accept this rationale?and yes maybe the pressure is easily triggered as I already carry the deep yearning inside of me?.I understand that full transition would bring a slice of the real happiness cake but swiftly followed by a lifetime of chronic relationship indigestion..!? ok ok I have a food issue I am battling at the moment..!

[kimdl93]

Yeah, it really was not ethical or appropriate for that nurse (or MA?) that administered the test to be making personal inquiries. Other than confirming your identity, she need not have gone any farther. Sure, she was curious, but she stepped out of bounds when she started an uninvited conversation about why you have chosen to keep male name.

[Helen_Highwater]

I think this is a situation were we, the community, need to tread carefully.

We want people to be accepting, to take us at face value, to engage and if that happens there will be times when folks will, without malice, ask questions that to them seem reasonable and perhaps logical. Okay, perhaps the nurse at the covid station could have keep the questioning to an absolute minimum but look at it this way. Her understanding has been increased by the encounter. Her motive may have been to offer support to someone who was looking to transition but struggling with the process.

Let's not be too quick to condemn. Life's not perfect so maybe we also need to know when it's time to cut someone some slack.

[Julie MA]

Society has been binary for so long. Even though people are becoming more aware and accepting of people transitioning, the binary roots run deep. They want us to be one or the other.

[AngelaYVR]

I believe the nurse meant well but really she needs to follow her training and not ask personal questions that have nothing to do with the treatment. On the other hand, I welcome questions from people I meet (pretty much all of whom assume I'm full time)

[Aunt Kelly]

If you can get by without transition, count your blessings. I understand that it's a tradeoff that leaves you less than happy, but I suspect that you've evaluated what transition would cost you and decided to stay where you are. Again, take that as a win. Most of the transwomen I know have paid a terrible price by transitioning. Not one of them would change their mind, were the opportunity for a do-over to magically appear.

We are who we are and must have the courage to live life on our terms, not matter what the cost. I am putting off transition until I can put us on a firm financial footing that will allow us to survive afterward. I have a job that pays very well, and I will not risk it by transitioning at this time. Yes, it is a struggle to no live authentically, but in these times of social isolation, I am getting by.

P.S. I think that they woman at the testing station was indeed trying to be nice. Sounds like she displayed uncommon sensitivity and understanding.

[Jodie_Lynn]

JessicaJane, you seem to come across as upset that this woman questioned you as to your gender. Would you have preferred her to refer to you as "Mr. Smith", even though you were presenting as feminine?

The fact that the woman was interested enough to ask about your name change indicates that she was curious, not spiteful.

I have been living as a woman full time since April of 2020, and have not legally changed my name since the local court calendar is still under Covid rules. Meaning that they are only dealing with necessary cases. I have frequently been asked about both name/gender changes and surgeries. The questions are asked out of curiosity.

However, many in the TG community are so sensitive and defensive about questions, or being mis-gendered, that we tend to perceive everything as an attack or an affront. At my work recently, a co-worker responded to a question I asked with a firm "Yes sir!" Before I could say a word, he was tripping over himself apologizing. I looked down at my size 'C' chest, looked at him and said, with a laugh, "What? Do they need to be bigger?"

Red faced, he replied with a sheepish grin, "Yeah, that might help." I could have responded with anger, but I feel that would have damaged a work relationship, and perhaps given me a reputation as one of 'those people', if you get my meaning. My humour let him know that I knew it was a mistake and that I wasn't upset.

We, as transgender women, have to act as ambassadors to the muggle world. IMO. Because for many people, you might be the only transgendered person they have met, gaining all their previous knowledge from second and third hand sources that are full of mis-, or dis-information about us.

[Jessicajane]

I have to disagree with you Jodie I was not offended by the how to you wish to present question but I am irked somewhat when someone who does not know me then goes in to start questioning my life / name decisions I did not snap or go defensive to her but chose to politely answer because I read that she was not trying to be rude..(she was probably bored) but the truth is this line of questioning was unnecessarily invasive and the point of my post is that this happens regularly sometimes blatantly sometimes in more subtle ways
Do you wish to be female answer yes…..end of questioning.. not why dont you change your name what have you done to your body or have you been able to form a relationship with anyone…. its intrusive and I should not need to explain myself to people… pretty sure cis gendered people would not tolerate it

[Aka_Donna]

And I disagree with you Jessica. There is way too much hate in world and media now. Too many paint people as either vanilla or a deep shade of purple. Instead we should welcome any clumsy inquiry about someone living in neither extreme. If we won't take the time or energy to discuss, others are more than willing to make an image and their pictures are usually not pretty.

[Jessicajane]

Ok so where do you draw the line Ive been asked about my genitalia …my relationship status...my body..my name and my voice…is there anything off limits or does being trans mean I have no rights to privacy at all… just because I’m visible doesn’t mean my private life is public property
Just because I don?t like the questioning doesnt mean I hate people just sometimes wonder if people leave their manners and brains at the door?

[DianeT]

I hear Jessica's point. Hell is paved with good intentions. People may be genuinely curious with no afterthoughts, but they still need to be gently educated to respect the privacy of others. When I was a child I could stare at various individuals out of the (of my) norm because I was interested and curious. Still, my mother told me that this was not correct behavior. We can expect at least the same urbanity from a grown up. Respect other people's privacy, life choices, even (let's wish) understand that the norm means nothing and the world is a spectrum.

[Joan_CD]

The line is drawn by you. When you don’t like a question let the person know. Just saying that’s a bit personal tends to shut the questions down for me. Some people are curious in a friendly way and some aren’t. You control the conversation, not them. Don’t let others control your internal feelings. I see a therapist and I find talking to her helps me vent out the frustration. She Epps me keep my sanity!

[Cheryl T]

Sometimes people are just curious and in their attempt to learn or understand they ask things that they wish to know to fill the gaps.
Unfortunately when they ask these questions they are unaware that they are so personal to us. Some of the curiosity comes from the fact that now there seem not to be 2 or 3 genders, but hundreds. They get lost in all the identifying terms being used and can't begin to see the deep personal nature of their questions.

[kimdl93]

I agree, you need to draw the lines. There will be different for different relationships.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Ok so where do you draw the line Ive been asked about my genitalia …my relationship status...my body..my name and my voice…is there anything off limits or does being trans mean I have no rights to privacy at all… just because I’m visible doesn’t mean my private life is public property
Just because I don?t like the questioning doesnt mean I hate people just sometimes wonder if people leave their manners and brains at the door?

No one is saying that you don't have the right to privacy. But as someone else pointed out, YOU can control the direction of the discussion. You were there, we weren't, so only you can determine how your questioner was directing their questions. Did they seem hostile, curious, or were they merely having an attempt at conversation?

For the name change question, you could have honestly replied that there are expenses, paperwork, and court scheduling, and that at this time you have other concerns. And for a gender change, even moreso, depending on the state you live in.

For the surgery questions, you could have replied
A - None of your business
B - It's planned for the future
C - Nope, happy as I am
D - Explained the number of surgeries transwomen can potentially choose from, including rhinoplasty, Facial Feminization Surgery, top surgery, bottom
surgery, and having your vocal cords shaved. Most muggles only think about the one BIG surgery, eliminating the 'meat & 2 veg", and you could have told her that most Insurance companies won't cover these costs, because they consider them to be "elective"
E - Answer the questions reluctantly, then complain about it to others

[docrobbysherry]

Jessica, if you're to continue your journey presenting female? U may need to toughen up! U need to practice telling people "it's none of your business and I don't wish to discuss this!"

Only in a nice way!:devil:

People act and treat u differently when they can tell u r a trans. As they can quite easily in my case. Which is why I don't dress out to vanilla venues. I don't like extra attention, good or bad, every time I'm out shopping or grabbing a bite somewhere!:doh:

[JenniferMBlack]

While I understand and support you in your reasoning. I sympathize with you because if it was just you I belive you would go 100%. Don't look at things like this as preasure, rather with they are sympathetic for your situation