What has happened to me - confussed

[Marcie]

I have been a crossdresser for much of my life, however, recently my wife passed away leaving me very much alone. I have an abundance of beautiful clothing (fortunately her clothes fit me) She was a woman that followed all the current styles, so most of her clothing was up to date. I now have all that clothing at my disposal and I have difficulty with, wanting to try it on. My desire to cross dress is at a stand still. Am I going through some sort of a mental adjustment or am I just in mourning, missing my soul mate ?:sad:

[Sarah Doepner]

Marcie, I'm sorry to hear of your wife's passing. My wife passed away just over 8 years ago and the grieving process was mixed with a lot of other emotions as I suddenly faced a very different life. I wouldn't worry about your desire to crossdress for now as you work thru other important issues. In my case I eventually I started seeing a counselor who helped me untangle all the various threads her death, my gender identity, family and financial issues had turned into a Gordian knot. Be patient, stay healthy and connected as time works, hopefully in your favor.

[Jolene Robertson]

Marcie I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you will come back around but that is a huge loss to get over.

[Maid_Marion]

I went through something similar. Not only was she able to give away her best clothes to her friends when she passed, but a coworker had a fire and lost her clothes. She was the same size as my wife and greatly appreciated getting my wife's clothes.
I didn't try any of her clothes on before I gave it all away.

Marion

[Dutchess]

Nothing wrong , you are simply being faced with a very hard reality and suddenly whats really important comes into focus . I couldnt get out of my nightgown for a year after my tg fiance of a decade died suddenly 3.75 years ago . We were extremely close . I was in such grief and shock that I literally wore my gown and his robe even to the store , the dr - everywhere . I could not wear any clothing at all . I could barely get out of bed .. Just take it easy on yourself .. slowly you will adjust to a new normal. This is a big thing you are going through .

[Pumped]

Certainly your are mourning, it may last for months or longer. Hardships can take a long time to recover from, so don't be too hard on yourself because your interests have faded. After time your head will clear and things will get somewhat back to normal.

Perhaps you might give yourself a bit of a "push" and pick a day to dress and do it even if you really don't feel like it. It may help.

Heck, I was let go from my job this spring and wasn't sure what to do, but after a couple months just decided to retire and do some projects around the house. It has been five months and I am just starting to feel "normal". If my wife passed away I would be a wreck for a couple years!

[RADER]

Marcie;
Sorry for your loss; I lost mine about 9 years ago. My wife's clothes did not fit me,so I have the problems like you have.
I did donate some to a few of her friends, and much to charity resale shops. I did go out and buy a few things like
she had but in my size. That way I feel closer to her even though she is with the Angles. She was OK with my dressing,
as long as I did not go out in public. I still respect her wishes.

[Stephanie47]

First, sorry for your loss. That being said, I did go back and read your previous posts, especially from 9/17/2015. In the post your wife caught you wearing panties and holding a bra. She really raked you over the coals and made all sorts of threats of outing you to the world. If I were in your heels I'd dispose of all of her clothing. She may have had great taste and fashionable clothes, however is there also a reminder of her disapproval which was said in the worst way? With a spouse passing on one is able to be free to be oneself. I am sure there were terrific times together and you're in a funk. I would be. Maybe, right now a grieving husband and being en femme just does not mix. When the time is right, buy your own wardrobe.

[Natalie5004]

I am so sorry. I have no advice but please know people are here for you.

[Geena75]

So sorry for your loss. The grieving process takes a lot of time. I've heard people try to console by saying something along the lines of "it takes time but you'll get over it." No, you never 'get over' losing someone close to you. You can only get used to it. In my experience, it takes a year, and all the annual things you are used to doing with them, before you can really hope to get used to it. Just hang in there.

[Di]

Very sorry about your loss.
To answer your question I would say mourning.
I could not sleep for weeks, never in my bed when I did fall asleep. Could not eat, think and was in a fog. ( widows fog)
Even now I am not myself and might not ever will be.
So just be kind to yourself.
Maybe donate her clothing and buy your own when you are ready . Since she was not into your dressing ( past posts )
It might be guilt, added into the mourning.

But just take it easy and maybe you will feel like wearing her clothing later , it is your feelings to sort out and grieving is hard enough.

[Alice Torn]

I have never been married nor lived with a So, but several ladies i had dated and wanted to date more and marry all passed away, and it was over several decades, so i went through a lot of hurt. The first happened when i was 21, and the last, when 56. I am now 67, still alone and realize i could be dead now, after several extremely close calls on the roads, and falls, No longer looking to date or find someone at all. I know my big sleep until the wake up call, is nearing fast,.

[Randy]

Only you can really answer the question. I can only guess. I know that there is always a little guilt wrapped up in crossdressing, and that, coupled with the fact that these are her clothes, probably does nothing but remind you of her. We all deal with grief in our own way. It might be best to stay out of her clothes - at least for a while.

[Brynna M]

Like all have said i'm sorry for your loss. I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to wear your passed wife's clothes. You sound like a husband who loved his wife more than crossdressing in her clothes. That's what a marriage should be. Grieve, heal and see where you are in time. I always ok to not be ok. Hold on until things get better.

[Karren H]

Celebrate her life buy proudly wearing the clothing she loved. Almost like having a little piece of her with you every where you go!

[franlee]

I now have all that clothing at my disposal and I have difficulty with, wanting to try it on. My desire to cross dress is at a stand still. Am I going through some sort of a mental adjustment or am I just in mourning, missing my soul mate ?:sad:[/QUOTE]

I've been right where you are. I kept and enjoyed her clothes as much as I could even to this day I still have and wear some of them. They are a reminder that we were one for a very long time, nothing to be ashamed of. And she knew and was very supportive and even encouraging so I'm sure she would be happy about me wearing them, just like I did when she was alive.

[bridget thronton]

Any time my wife gives me a piece of her clothing wearing it gives me a feeling of closeness to her. Perhaps in time it may do the same for gou. Sorry for your loss.

[Michaela Jane]

I am sorry for your loss Marcie, I lost my wife 5 years ago. I still have my moments where grief comes to the surface and I end up a tearful mess. It's all just normal. I still hold on to her wardrobe and often find it comforting to wear some of her clothes. Most of them fit me which is surprising since I was head & shoulders above her. The one thing that really sticks in my memory over the last 5 years is the immense sense of peace that coursed through me when I first wore one of her bras. As has been said before, you won't get over it, but you will find it easier to deal with as time goes on. Oh, and call me nuts if you want but I talk to her photo every day, her spirit is still here.

[Jillian Faith]

Marcie

Like you I have crossdressed since the age of 4 or 5 I'm 62 now. I lost my wife 3 weeks ago to Cancer. She fought bravely for 6+ years. My desire to dress is at a low point as well, so I think what you are feeling is only natural. My wife and I were able to share some clothing items but not all. I'm not in a hurry to get rid of her clothes especially those that I could wear. I believe that my desire to crossdress will return at some point.

[DianeT]

Sorry for your loss Marcie.

[Maria 60]

I'm very sorry about your lost. I had a little of a rude awakening a few weeks back when my wife went on holidays with our daughter for a week. The first few days were amazing and then I started dressing less and I started to feel lonely and missing her. I almost couldn't wait for that week to end and at one point I thought how it would be if something happened to her. I think I would be just like you, I'm not good with change and I would be very confused. Hopefully with time you can slowly find yourself and find where the dressing sits in your life. I again I'm very sorry for you lost and could only imagine what your going through.

[char GG]

Sorry for your loss, Marcie.

Everyone is different. Obviously, you are working through that situation.

[CynthiaD]

I recently lost two people who were very close to me. When this sort of thing happens, it fills up your emotions and you just don’t have room for anything else. This isn’t weird, it’s normal. You wouldn’t be human if you felt any other way. My heart goes out to you. Be strong. As strong as you can.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Marcie, I'm truly sorry for your loss. There are things you didn't say in your short post, and I could only guess at, but I imagine you've been with your beloved wife a long time. It must be a devastating loss, and I regret to say your life can never be the same afterwards. You're alone now, and even if you were to take another partner at some future time--I feel apologetic for even daring to mention the idea, which may well be the last thing on your mind right now--life could never be the same as it was with your soul mate. Your life is forever changed, and deprived of her. You may have been everything to one another. That kind of loss takes a lot of adjusting to.

You ask whether you're going through a mental adjustment. or just in mourning for your wife. Actually there is no difference. Mourning, or grieving, IS a period of mental adjustment to a new and tragically altered life. It's different for everyone who goes through it. Any variation, no matter how unexpected or "irrational," is "normal," so to speak.

Since you didn't say everything in your short post, I was bound to guess some things, and I guessed wrong. You mentioned that your late wife's clothes fit you, so I guessed you must have worn them before, most likely with her consent and approval. Nothing more thrilling could be imagined, to wear the clothes of the woman you loved so much, to look and feel as she did--in your imagination anyway--to feel so excitingly close to her. And if you were deprived by death of such idyllic pleasures, that loss would be all the more catastrophic.

It seems my guess was wrong, and I'm grateful to Stephanie and also to Di for correcting my false impression. It seems that your wife, despite being your soul mate in every other way, was not so approving of you crossdressing after all.

Where does that leave you? In a dilemma, no doubt. For one thing, I can't say how the grieving process is affecting you with regard to crossdressing, For some, crossdressing might be a natural comfort to resort to while dealing with the pain of loss. For yourself, possibly it might be the last thing on your mind while learning to cope mentally with other adjustments. Any of this, as I said, is "normal." But about your wife's clothes, while you surely must have had a wish a wear them in the past, whether you did or not, you may have very mixed feelings now. You might for instance be feeling your wife's clothes are just "too sacrosanct" to wear now that she's gone. Or, if you wife disapproved of your crossdressing, especially in her own clothes, you might be feeling guilty about flouting her wishes now that she's gone. As though it were an insult to her memory. As though anything you did now, or refrained from doing, could possibly hurt her, or bring her back--which sadly if never can. How can anyone know what you might be feeling at this painful time of loss?

The only solid piece of advice I would urge on you is to do nothing! Nothing that can't be undone, at least. Not with your wife's clothes. Don't even think about disposing of them, if that thought has crossed your mind at all--though I don't know if it has. Your post brought up a memory of someone I know who was bereaved a few years ago. She joined a grief support group, and mentioned a guy in the group who had lost his wife and got someone to come and sort out her clothes and dispose of them Just like that! The very thought made me want to tear my hair out! All those precious mementoes of his wife, gone! Of course, I'm sure the guy wasn't a crossdresser, But don't do anything you might bitterly regret later. If you don't feel like dressing right now, let alone in your wife's clothes, leave them where they are. Or put them away in boxes, if you must. Whatever. Just sit with the feelings of grief and loss while they work themselves out. Which can take a year or more just for the initial adjustment. Cry when you need to, it's OK.

Although your life can never be the same without your wife. you will be left with the memory of her. And with her clothes. And you will be back to your normal self--closer to it, anyway, with the same need to dress in women's clothes that will never leave you, even though your wife has left you. In time you may well come to feel that you can bring her memory back to you by wearing her clothes. That she's left you a lovely legacy of lingerie as a kind of "apology, a consolation prize for leaving you alone. If she wouldn't let you wear them in her lifetime, now you're free to wear her skirts, blouses, dresses, capri pants, whatever takes your fancy, and feel intimate with her in a way you may always have wanted to do. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing you do can offend her now. In your imagination you can live the life you may well have fantasized, where she was not only your soul mate, but also allowed, even encouraged you to share and wear all of her clothes, and continue to feel close to her even while she's gone to another place.

And if you find that doesn't appeal to you, even after time, well, you can do as you wish. But for now, don't worry. Just work through the feelings of loss--or "let them" work themselves out. Give it time, Good luck to you!

[Helen_Highwater]

Marcie,

My sincere condolences on your loss.

Firstly losing the desire to dress in such a traumatic time is not unusual. It's a natural response as you adjust to your situation. The forum is littered with posts of those who chose to stop dressing only to return to it at a later date. I suspect you'll return to dressing as time passes.

As for your wife's clothing. I would say keep a small number of items but purely as keepsakes. Items that remind you of happy times, significant events shared. Put them somewhere you'll come across them from time to time to bring back those found thoughts, the rest, give to a charity shop.

While it's a tragic event it has, nevertheless give you the chance to build your own wardrobe. Don't feel ashamed of the new found freedom this has given you. Embrace it without guilt. It was not of your making. You have your life to live so don't be tied to the past. Having something (dressing) to focus on will help you move on with your life.

[GretchenM]

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife, best friend, and partner in life. I basically agree with what Lori said and I think those are very wise words. I also agree with Char that we all react to such losses in different ways in spite of the mourning process forming some kind of general sequence of stages. Don't fight those feelings - if you feel like crying your eyes out do it. You are you and that is what you must be whatever that is.

What Helen refers to is the norm. Trauma can cause major changes in your desires to do this or that. When you are focused on the loss of your mate you are mourning that loss and not doing a lot of thinking about the things that can play a role in defining you. That includes expressing your gender clearly no matter whether you are male-like or female-like or some kind of blend unique to you. It is just not a priority right now. As Helen says and as the experts in this say, just because you do not feel a desire or a need does not mean it has gone away. It will come back to the forefront in awhile - maybe the same or even stronger. It is not predictable other than the probability that Marcie is still very much there and quite possibly is involved in the mourning in a way that you may not recognize.

Hang in there; it will get better. And looking at your avatar I can see you make a beautiful woman, not just outwardly but also inwardly. Allow her to do what she needs to do which is far more important than the clothes and looking the part. You have had that identity, probably, all your life. It may be mixed with male-like aspects - that is perfectly alright. My thoughts are with you.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm sorry, Marcie! But, in my opinion, u don't need to, and shouldn't do anything just now!:straightface:

Rest, heal, and just do what u must to move on. In time, you'll know what u should do about her clothes and your dressing!:thumbsup:

If you're still hurting and conflicted after a year? A visit or 2 with an experienced counselor mite help u!:straightface: