Can't stop thinking about it

[simoneisatg]

My mind is frying

I have been a cross dresser my whole life. My wife knows, and tolerates this.

But it is more than that for me. I cannot stop thinking about my gender, and how I wish I'd been born female.

I am not a female in a male body. I'm a male. I just wish I wasn't.

I think about transitioning all the time. I wish my body was different. I crave curves, breasts, non-hairy.

I have never told my wife this. I told my therapist, though this never felt satisfying. She told me that, in her opinion, whether I chose to change or not, I would always miss the other part of me.

I don't know how to live with this. I can't give up my existing life, which is what I would have to do. But I know, deep down, if there were no consequences, I would live my life as Simone.

How do I live with this? Is this normal for cross dressers? I feel like I'm caught somewhere horribly in between

[Jannis]

Wow! Your cry for help really resonates for me. I do feel much the same as you, but have put to rest the reality of actual transition. I remain a cd’er as I have been so my whole life. Age caught up to me and along with it, infirmities that make it unrealistic to change. I don’t know how old you are but if you must do it, don’t wait any longer. Just be cognoscente of those who may be negatively impacted by your decision. That is what stalled my decision for so long until it is really too late for me. Just make sure you have no regrets when you get into advanced age that you did not act. If you wish to go ahead, just know there are many here for you, to give support.

[Nikki.]

Well, you try to mitigate your cross gender feelings in whatever positive way you can. mindfulness,
hobbies, volunteering or whatever else you can do to distract yourself until the feelings go away(unlikely)
or you die(inevitable). Or you can start meandering down the road of transition, feminizing yourself incrementally until you reach a point of satiation. good luck!

[Vikky]

I can fully relate your situation as it is similar to mine. The thought of being female is often upper in my mind and it is only when I am fully occupied (driving, focusing DIY, in a meeting) do these thoughts get blocked out.

I watch TV, wander around the town centre, or as I did a couple of weeks back as a tourist, watching women ? the clothes they are wearing, the way they react, walk etc (non pervy of course) ? and wish.

But reality is that I am very unlikely to transition in any way. I will remain a CD, maybe venture outside and be more adventurous in a femme role, but as a CD. The impact on family, friends, neighbours etc may not be as bad as I think, but is it worth the risk? I am well known in my community and have accepted that life may not be perfect as a guy and might be worth investigating en femme it is unlikely to happen. For now I will have my regular ?fixes? as a DADT CD.

Vikky

[Nadine Spirit]

She told me that, in her opinion, whether I chose to change or not, I would always miss the other part of me.



Is your therapist a gender variance specific therapist? Or is she just a general LMFT? When I worked with just a general LMFT her thoughts on my gender dysphoria were very different than the thoughts of my gender variance specialist LMFT. More importantly the help the general therapist provided never actually helped me the way the advice from my gender specific therapist has.

Do I ever miss the other part of me? Um, no, nope not ever. But did I think I would? Yes I thought I would miss that part of me. All that I ever really am bummed about is why I waited so damn long to start seeing a gender specialist therapist.

[Maid_Marion]

I have done the slow transition. It takes a long time to learn everything.

My life really hasn't changed. I still have the same job and the neighbors don't seem to mind. Someone who grows beautiful flowers all summer long isn't exactly "normal."

If anything, it has gotten easier because I used to fall into the "uncanny valley" and helpful sales associates would unduly burden themselves trying to figure out my gender.
There are so many styles of women's clothing that I can be picky and find clothes that don't need to be hemmed! It is such a delight to be able to wear clothes that fit right of the discount rack!

Marion

[DianaPrince]

Hi Simone. You are not alone. That’s exactly how I feel as well. In fact, I’vebeen searching for those words for 2 years.

[Aunt Kelly]

You are describing classic gender dysphoria. We have only the words you've typed to go on, of course, but that's very much what this sounds like. You therapist is right. There is no "cure", only measures that can reduce the symptoms.
Medical transition is dangerous, painful, and expensive. Social transition usually makes the medical stuff look like a picnic. If you can continue to cope as you have, do so. If you can't, they are the only things that will make you feel better about yourself.
Take Nadine's advice and find someone with expertise in dealing with gender dysphoria. An earnest and unflinching approach, with such an expert to guide you, seems to be in order.

Good luck to you.

[simoneisatg]

Thank you all so much for your caring and sensible comments.

I know I'm not alone. Though in reality, I am.

I know the course I'm on and I don't like it. It doesn't seem to me that there is a good outcome - just a least bad one. But that's the case for lots of people, not just wrt this issue.

Thanks again

Sim

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

I, too, thought I wasn't a 'woman trapped in a man's body' for a very long time. And thoughts about my genderwere almost constant for more than 5 decades. It was when I realized I could accept being a trans woman born into my body (and maybe internal defenses weakening after so long) that the egg finally cracked.

So far I have not found medical transition dangerous, nor all that painful (yes, there is some minor discomfort when your breasts grow) nor expensive (priviliged to have decent health insurance and close enough to providers).

[Jeri Ann]

So far I have not found medical transition dangerous, nor all that painful (yes, there is some minor discomfort when your breasts grow) nor expensive (priviliged to have decent health insurance and close enough to providers).

Medical transition can involve medical procedures that have an element of risk, will certainly be painful and costly for many people.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

Living in general can involve medical procedures that have an element of risk, and will be painful and costly.

I was interpreting medical transition to mean HRT, not surgical procedures.

[Aunt Kelly]

Here we go again...
Words become more useless as a means of communicating ideas the more we disagree on their meaning. May I suggest that we agree to use terms that are used by the experts in field?

The professional community identifies two types of transition, social and medical. "Medical transition" includes all treatment modalities intended to align one's physical being with one's identity.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

And there's a difference between 'there's an element of risk' in surgery and 'medical transition is dangerous', yes?

Sorry I didn't specify my medical transition doesn't yet include all treatment modalities.

[StaceyJane]

Hi, I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

[Aunt Kelly]

And there's a difference between 'there's an element of risk' in surgery and 'medical transition is dangerous', yes?


HRT can cause death. According to one of the few studies (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21266549/) on our group, we are more likely to die of other causes, but HRT presents a three-fold increase in mortality related to cardiovascular causes. Is it rare? Of course, but I'll wager that HRT's mortality rate is higher than that of, say... facial feminization surgery.

I call that dangerous.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

Was on a trans support zoom tonight, the guest was a endocronologist. I asked if HRT was 'significantly dangerous' during the Q&A.

His answer, paraphrased, "NO. NO. It's not significantly dangerous when done correctly by a appropriate clinician, it's not dangerous. It's just making a person have the hormones they should have always had. No more dangerous than any other medicine. Oxygen has side effects. Water has side effects. Everything has side effects. We weigh the benefits and the risks and HRT is not significantly more dangerous than any other medication."

[Jeri Ann]

This thread has drifted off from the op.