It's Always Difficult

[Kandi Robbins]

We are all snowflakes, each and every one of us different. Different in how we deal with our gender issues. Different in our personal circumstances. Different in our relationships with our spouses. Different in what this means, some only wear panties, some never leave their homes, many of us are public in our presentations, some are on that journey to be themselves, many have gotten there, many may never get there. We struggle, we agonize, we thrill, we live. We must support each other.

This essay was written to help a friend in a DADT situation. Always a roller coaster.

https://www.kandis-land.com/an-open-letter-to-our-wives/

At Kandi's Land, we provide love and support and hopefully show the path for being out and interacting with the world.

Join us!

[Kris Burton]

So well stated, really hit home. Should be required reading for all CD/TG and their SO.

[Elizabeth G]

Thank you Kandi. This is well written and spot on for me. When the time is right I'm going to show this to my wife.

[Teri Ray]

Lovely letter and accurate for me.

[Kandi Robbins]

So well stated, really hit home. Should be required reading for all CD/TG and their SO.

Thank you and tell a friend!


Thank you Kandi. This is well written and spot on for me. When the time is right I'm going to show this to my wife.

PLEASE let me know her reaction. I am blessed that this is not an issue for me, but my heart aches for those that have this issue and at the same time, I can see the spouses perspective. Solve this and you can probably bring us world peace as well because it is that complicated.

[Jillcder]

Nailed it now I just need to find the courage to have the talk being armed with great information from this forum will make it possible someday soon thank you!

[JustJennifer]

Thank you Kandi. That's a beautiful essay that speaks to the truth of my own situation. I have tried for years to say something, waiting for just the right time to clear the air, when it's painfully obvious that the "right time" isn't going to magically happen.

[Kandi Robbins]

I have tried for years to say something, waiting for just the right time to clear the air, when it's painfully obvious that the "right time" isn't going to magically happen.

Hardest thing I ever had to tell my wife and to those who know me and those that have read my story, THAT would surprise you! My life changed because of her answer, but I am a very lucky person to have received that answer.


I just need to find the courage to have the talk being armed with great information from this forum will make it possible someday soon thank you!

I will never tell anyone what to do, but that answer, one way or the other, brings clarity. Every situation, relationship is very different, plus adding external stresses like this pandemic and there will never be a good time. There will just be a "time".

[Maid_Marion]

I had the easiest situation. I told my wife before we got married that I might be transgender. She watched me carefully and decided I was right. What tipped her off was my hygiene habits. I still shower every night and my nails look great!
I diet and exercise as diligently as any GG!

Marion

[StaceyJane]

At first when I told my wife she was understanding and we went to the standard don't ask don't tell. But lately she has become much more involved in church and doesn't want me to wear women's clothes anymore and she has even tried to get me to read a book by an ex gay. ACK!

[Maria 60]

Well you almost described my life reading that. My biggest turning point in my life was when I took my biggest gamble and told my wife. Two weeks into our marriage she went to work early and there were a pair of her pantyhose on the floor, I put them on and that was the day I realized how real this was. I remember sitting there on the bed wearing those pantyhose and my mind going a thousand miles an hour. My biggest issue was that I lived a life like a fugitive until now and I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that and decided that same night I would tell her. I did and surprisingly she was alright with it and even helped me so much. Her biggest thing she could never understand was that I was always apologizing to her and she would tell me that I wasn't doing anything bad to her and that I start losing the guilt and stop trying to figure it out and just enjoy whatever opportunity I get. We made rules how we could both be happy and drew a line in the sand, I do cross it now and then but pretty much I respect it. I'm so glad I took that gamble, don't get me wrong I could have lost the love of my life but felt good I came clean. Sorry I could ramble on forever about this but thanks for writing that essay it really brought me back and remind me not to take advantage of my situation.

[Kandi Robbins]

Maria, that is exactly why I write pieces like that. We are able to share real experiences and real issues and learn from each other. Without my having written that in the piece, you described the process I also went through before telling my wife. In my circumstance, I laid down the ground rules (generally unspoken) that I live my life by in order to honor the absolute gift she gave me. I never, ever take it for granted. Love is earned and given and is so special!

[ronny0]

IMO snowflake is not a complement, too easily damaged and too short a lifespan unless under perfect conditions.
I'd rather think we are more robust and less fragile, maybe willing to stand up for our own needs rather than wanting to be looked on as a fragile totally unique item of nature.
Not trying to put the concept down, still IMO I'd rather be thought of as a 'diamond' in the rough, than a snowflake.
Snowflakes melt and disappear far too easily. OR they demand far too many other people adapt to their needs?

[Crissy 107]

Kandi, OMG does that hit home, I just wish I had what it takes to show my wife. Everyone IS different but there are so many common threads we all share.
I am in a long time DADT, long to me, almost 7 years, I went through a rough patch earlier this year but with help and advice from friends here I made it past it, for now.
I am going to give your thoughts on this some serious thoughts of my own. Thanks, you are one of the best :)

[GretchenM]

Very wise words, Kandi, but I agree with Ronny0 that snowflake is maybe not the right analogy. However, it certainly gets the point of differences across. As Dr. Daphna Joel, developer of the Gender Mosaic theory says, "we are all different and therefore we are all equal." I certainly believe it is important to note the similarities we share, but on the whole I also believe that the differences are at least as important if not more so. We are the way we are because of some similarities, but the meat and potatoes of the matter is found when we look deeper and see the vast differences as well. I think that is what Crissy is getting at. It is a blend of similarities that we can learn from and differences we can appreciate and respect. Everybody wins.

[NancyJ]

Kandi, I have seen your blog several times and I think you do a nice job. IMO, though, giving a partner or wife a letter like the one you wrote is a bad idea. You dump a lot in that letter. One of the worst fights I ever had in my marriage followed my giving my wife a ver similar letter. She took it as my blindsiding her and not having the courage to say what I wanted to say out loud. As I thought about it I realized that I had used my 3 page letter to essentially give a speech without allowing her to respond. As I have gotten better at communicating with her, I have learned to make one short point, not over-explain, then, listen to her. I feel less compelled to get it all out and more motivated to be sure she feels that I am interested in her feelings.

I also would recommend against bringing up things like transitioning or crossdressing vs. transgender unless the partner raises such questions. Just tell her what you want, how you feel, and ask what you can do to help her understand and be comfortable because your relationship is most important. Nancy

[Stephanie47]

I wonder what kind of letter a wife married to a cross dressing husband would tell another wife in the same situation? It's like a coin (cross dressing) with two sides (husband and wife). My wife and I approached the subject decades ago (mid 1980's). I am not a fan of letter writing to express oneself on a complicated topic. It reminds me of the days of WW2 when a Western Union messenger would deliver a telegram that a husband or a son or a brother died in service to his country. I rather like a session of Q & A's. There is another ongoing thread on one's journey through the life of a cross dresser. I think I can lay on a psychiatrist's couch all day and come up with one factual statement; "I do not know why I do what I do!" I can tell my wife how I progressed through life. I can tell my wife all the emotions I have felt and still feel. But, I cannot answer the "Why?"

[Kandi Robbins]

IMO snowflake is not a complement, too easily damaged and too short a lifespan unless under perfect conditions.

The analogy is simply that we are all very different. Frankly it is used commonly. I believe my track record of representation in mainstream society speaks for itself and it takes a certain toughness to do that. Not only are we all different in how we feel about ourselves and how we choose to present ourselves to the world (or not in many cases), we all have different circumstances regarding spouses, children, jobs, I could go on here, but you get the point.


Kandi, I have seen your blog several times and I think you do a nice job. IMO, though, giving a partner or wife a letter like the one you wrote is a bad idea.

Thank you and in no means am I or did I suggest you give my post as a letter to anyone's wife. It is ME writing an open letter to spouses in general. Had I simply not titled it as a "letter", would any objection be the same? I could just as easily chosen to call it an open plea to our wives.

I want to thank everyone who commented, I always appreciate the feedback. No one in the history of the world has ever or will ever write something agreeable to 100% of the readers. But you must look to intent, not parse the words.


I cannot answer the "Why?"

Me either.

[Kitty Sue]

Great letter Kandi and describes me perfectly.

[Territx]

Thanks Kandi -- it never hurts to hear an acknowledgement/confirmation of all of the unique qualities and differences we have.

[gwencd158]

Yup…. Everything written is me….. my balance? Do my dadt as best I can. Now that I am retired, the ability to go all out in terms of makeup, heels, fully dressed is gone. No more overnight business trips to look forward to. I steal a few minutes every week to dress fully with a wig sans makeup, nails, weekly when the wife is out. It seems to keep my pink fog at bay, but, wow, do I wish I could go all out and spend a few hours en-fem. it’s been 2 years for me. My stash remains hidden and ensconced — waiting for an occasion to be indulged fully.