Acceptance to DADT 20 yrs on

[Debs]

Making this brief, but may bring some light in the tunnel, from being accepted and going out dressed (Early years), to burning and ripping my clothes up, Im now in a situation where I can dress as I please, but what I found over 20 years, is NEVER put your partner in a situation of embarresment, I can dress at home, but neighbours must not see, dont tell any of peeps who know your partner, nobody must know other than your partner in your comunity. But (never start a sentence with but, I know) , I can go out dressed anytime I can now go to to Manchester , Blackpool etc, as long as I dont embarrass my wife, she is prepared to let me stay out overnight, and even drive me there, took 20 yrs. There are still some major compromises, but how much is your desire to dress , but keep your partner . Heres my forfeits to life, dont be shocked, No sex at all, and I pay all the bills in life. Thats how much dressing means to me.. But all is well in my life at the moment and I couldnt be happier.

A lot more complicated, but as I said short version, I love my wife, my dressing made her unhappy, but we've found a balance after 20 yrs, thats what im trying to say, I couldnt stop dressing , no matter how hard I tried. And yes I told her from day 1, never lied to her.

[Crissy 107]

Debs, Good post and as we know life is full of compromises and we all try to find that balance. One of the big fears my wife had/has is that I will embarrass her and our family and I do understand that.

[Kris Burton]

Debs, this is a very important post, especially for those of us in committed relationships. Although my wife and I have successfully passed the first hurdle, where I have come out to her and she is accepting, I am keenly aware of the points you bring up. Going forward, I must keep them firmly in mind, especially as my persona progresses as I venture out into the community. I must remember that I have more to consider than just myself, and balance her feelings with my own.

[Maria 60]

I believe my main goal would be is try to keep a happy medium, where both people have to be happy but must also sacrifice a little for each other. I also don't want to embarrass my wife in any way, she incourages me to go for a drives now and then. But she doesn't want me to walk out of the house and go to my car dressed and have the niebours see. I myself have to also have her in mind, I do things at times that she even questions. If our parents or family and friends come to our home even if I'm just wearing pantyhose under I usally take them off, in case I slip up and she questions why I'm taking them off. That's the respect to her that I don't want to embarrass her. Her sister caught on to me and I had a few slip up with her and I seen my wife didn't like it, so I'm trying hard to avoid the situation.
I believe in any relationship both have to try to make the other happy but also make sure the other is making you happy. It sounds like your relationship is finding the happy medium.

[Teri Ray]

There is no question that if you have a supportive spouse and you agree to some terms and compromise with them then you are obliged to follow these agreed to compromises. To do anything elese would be a violation of their trust. I believe that I am blessed to have a wife who is supportive and I need to maintain the trust with her that that support is based on.

[GretchenM]

Debs, I think your thoughts and findings are important and something that we who are involved in this tend to forget. I am sure there are some wives (or husbands if a woman swings the other direction) that love the person they married in a way that they are not concerned about the matter of embarrassment. That said, I am sure that is the exception.

What concerns me is the forfeiture of so many of the joys and so much of the sharing of the emotional connections that is the glue in a marriage. Compromises are always necessary and are very important, but if they are punitive then I am not so sure that is healthy. It can turn into a punishment for the gender variant member of the marriage because they are not "normal" in the eyes of the mate. It could become abusive and that is pure brain poison.

Of course, if that is the nature of the agreement and it actually works out in a way that is acceptable for all then no harm done. The point is, it is what we agree to in order to be comfortable in our own skin. The fact that you can dress at home is a big plus in your arrangement. Once again, just as each of us is different the marital relationships that we each have are also individualized. I think the message is to not let yourself be controlled by standards that are too rigid to allow you to grow as an individual.

[Cheryl T]

One thing you mentioned was something that we discussed early on.
I told my wife that I never wanted to embarrass her or have her feel embarrassed to be with me. It's never happened and hopefully never will.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Debs :hugs:, My Wonderful:love:Wife of almost 58 years Has know about my dressing all a long,

Over the years she has been off & on with it, It is now a very workable DA/DT,

I can dress anytime, She just don't want to see me while I am dressed, >Orchid**0:daydreaming:0**

[kimdl93]

If it works for the two of you, then that is all that matters.

[Debs]

wow. some amazing replies, just goes to show how our other halfs reply, but this site/forum is amazing in bringing us all together, thank you

[suzanne]

How does it feel to be, in the eyes of the love of your life, the thing she is most ashamed of? I'm in roughly the same situation. My wife refuses to be in public with me while I'm dressed, but she knows I go everywhere else dressed. I don't feel she has the right to control me.

Yes, I've gotten militant over the years, because there has to be compromises in both directions. We're not committing a crime or hurting ANYONE, even the spouse. If she feels hurt because I'm in a dress, that's an issue she has to come to terms with, not me.

[alwayshave]

Debs, Sounds like you have found an equilibrium with respect to your dressing and relationship. That's a great thing.

[Vikky]

Hi Debs
This is a very thoughtful post and I can see a lot that resonates with me and my situation. I am in a DADT situation but my wife is sort of supportive ? will wash female underwear etc, I can sleep en femme regularly (in a separate bedroom), in the evenings, when she is out, goes away for a few days, she accepts that I will be dressing. We have never talked about me embarrassing her, although I would be doing my best to avoid it, but I think it worth broaching soon.
Vikky

[Gi Gondin]

Its impossible for any of us to truly understand what are the stakes in each other’s situations and relationships. I mention this fact as a disclaimer. I’m happy for you Debs. Despite the long time to achieve, you are happy. There is a strong message in not giving up too early.

My point here is when should a relationship end when our partner does not support us (or the opposite) something that is very important for our happiness? (And I’m not talking only about CD. Could be anything that matters for one partner)

Are we crossdressers too condescending of our partners acceptance? If so, does our own view or acceptance of our crossdressing a big factor in this behavior? Not being 100% honest from the start has a weight in this also?

Life is too short. Let’s not put our happiness in someone else’s responsibility.

[Stephanie47]

Once a husband reveals his secret to his wife it becomes a shared secret. Once my wife told me one of the most difficult problems was having nobody to talk to about it. No sounding board. I think she may have talked to her close female cousin, but, I am not sure. Her cousin had a co-worker who divorced her husband immediately upon finding out about his cross dressing. The coupled lived on our street; five houses away. When my wife found out how deep my cross dressing had become she did ask why I had not told her. This is after we had incorporated lingerie into the bedroom scene. I asked her if she remember the conversation she had with her cousin about the couple down the street? No! Well, she and her cousin filleted the guy. Talk about revealing a secret to that hostile reception.

My wife suggested I find a support group. I looked. None around in the 1980's. Yes, boundaries are expected. There was and still is a lot of negativity out there. All is not well in the USA. The reveal can lead to loss of family, friends and community. Loss of income. Loss of promotions. I've said many times on the forum, people will say "What's wrong with her? She married to a cross dresser. Why doesn't she divorce him?"

If you know your wife. If you know your husband. I think a marriage will work. I think there is a certain amount of insecurity that comes into play. What else is he hiding? Does that insecurity come from a wife's life experience? Was there a breach of trust with others before the cross dressing issue arises?

I think some women are prone to cast off a relationship prematurely. Anybody have thoughts on this, especially the GG's on this forum.

[char GG]

@Stephanie47:

I don't know anyone who has cast off their CDers prematurely. Even the GG's here who were surprised and not married, gave their SO's a chance. It's not for everyone.

Editing my previous post.

I didn't realize you were speaking about 50 years ago. I guess you would know better than most GG's here, including me, felt about CDing in the 70's.

[Stephanie47]

Char, thanks for your input. The situation I was referring to in my comment was from the 1970's. Fifty years ago anything out of the norm was considered deviancy. The societal reaction then was nothing like it is now.

[mbmeen12]

I couldnt stop dressing , no matter how hard I tried. And yes I told her from day 1, never lied to her.

Good for you hun....