It's Your Fault

[crobeson96]

After all these years I've finally ... told her.
It's your fault, ladies, you don't know how the simplest post about heels or shopping or your relationship with your wife or SO is inspiring.
One goes from utter terror at the very idea to asking oneself regularly, why not?
So I did.
I learned more than she did.
She'd noticed a lot of things that could have had causes or meanings a whole lot worse than the fact her husband of decades enjoys the odd experience with female clothing.
I hope it was a relief in some ways.
All is not sweetness and light - I know she's digesting what we did discuss and I will get more questions later.
But my burden was lightened.
Yes, we're DADT for now but she doesn't have to fear the worst when she finds something pretty not in her size range.
Please, your thoughts and comments are WELCOME!
Thank You -
Camilla

[crobeson96]

Thank you, RebeccaS.
I knew from reading here in this forum that it was important for me not to expect her to do anything different as a result of my revelation.
I just wanted her to know so we could talk about it if she wanted to talk about it.

[kimdl93]

I wish both you and your wife the best as the two of you navigate these unfamiliar waters.

[Kris Burton]

When I did come out to my wife, she said what bothered her the most was the dishonesty and sneakiness. Fortunately for our relationship, that period did not last very long. Camilla, it must be a tremendous relief for you not to have to feel like you have to sneak around anymore. It was for me.

[Teri Ray]

Having this talk is never easy. It does not always end well. But its the right thing to have the talk if you think it is (not aways right for everyone based on each individual situation). Once you start the conversation always try to be open and honest. For me this discussion resolved my wifes fears of the unknown. Before the talk she was left to her own imagination over what this all meant to me. So for us this discussion proved to be very good and has signifcantly improved our relationship. This may not be the result for everyone.

I am hoping the best outcome for you and your spouse. Best wishes.

[NjJamie]

Camilla, after reading so many stories, positive and negative, as well as having some really significant outings over the past year I also find myself needing to have that conversation. My wife knows, has participated in the past but wishes it was never a "thing". I'm finding it is a deeper part of me at times and cannot imagine not doing it ever again but I am also very willing to bargain for time and calm, if acceptance is not possible. I keep setting up the weekend when we're alone as a great time to begin a conversation but always find a reason to postpone. This had been my process with new steps as a CD, from buying clothing, going to a local CD store as Jamie, a makeover, shopping and finally going to a Panera and just being female out in public. It was all a lot easier and went much better than I could ever have imagined, hopefully the conversation does as well!

I'm finding comfort in your post in having the conversation, I'll report back on how well it goes.


Till then, thanks for sharing!

Jamie

[NancySue]

Congratulations for your courage to communicate . I believe, in the long run, it will positively pay off. You are right about female intuition or esp. They don?t miss much, especially little things we do. I told my wife before we wed, betting the farm, she?d skate. She just smiled and said that we needed to talk. She?d also picked up on little things. We honestly talked and talked and read. There was a lot to digest. We?ve never figured out or understand my dressing, but she?s totally accepted it. Her biggest concern was if I wanted to transition. Nope! She teases me about how can I find stockings, underwires, heels, etc. comfortable. I just smile. I?m sure we?d be interested in the next chapters.

[simoneisatg]

Congratulations Camilla, that is wonderful news.

You won't regret it.

I did not have the courage to do so, and as many have said, the biggest issue for my wife was the dishonesty and deceit. I regret that immensely and always will. I didn't know about this forum until it was too late, and would like to think that I too would have been braver if I had.

Well done. That's exceptionally courageous. Your relationship will be stronger for it.

Simone

[Crissy 107]

Camilla, You did the right thing just be aware it can be a roller coaster with many highs and lows. My advice is to try your best to keep the line of communication open. That is a real key but easier said then done. Good luck girl!

[DianeT]

Congratulations Camilla. Telling takes a lot of courage. Unless your wife is very different from the others, there is now a long road ahead to rebuild trust, and in my opinion and personal experience that is the real challenge in this kind of coming out. You said your burden was lightened which is true. But it's probable that it transferred to your wife's shoulders and she will need all the help, patience and love you can give. Good luck to you two.

[Maid_Marion]

Hi Camilla,

It should pay off eventually but it will be rough until she regains the trust she lost. It will help to talk. Often the unknown fears are worse than knowing.

Marion

[crobeson96]

Y'all have been so nice and supportive. This forum continues to amaze me at the friendship and good advice based on experience that is shared in such an affirmative way.

I believe my wife and I are in a place that's safe but dangerous, too - I've read others' stories in which time passes and different worries become evident.

During our talk she, unprompted, established boundaries which I accepted unconditionally and then she indicated that the discussion was over - none of this was confrontational or antagonistic but I could tell she wanted time to think about it.

I believe that soon the topic will arise and we can continue our journey together.

(PS - I apologize for the title of the thread which I hope everyone understood I meant as humor. In retrospect I find it easily misunderstood and hope to put more thought into titles in the future as we all see them over and over :^)

[Suranne]

One thing to realise is that now she knows, someone else will come to know and then other people will come to know. It's natural. Your wife will (probably) at some point need someone to chat to, to bounce ideas off, to lighten her load. This is only natural. The thing about this side of it, is that you (probably) won't know when she tells other people, what she tells them, no, none of it. I say this, not to worry you, but to help you be aware of what the future could hold. You've taken a really brave step and it hasn't gone awfully wrong, in some cases it does. You have something on which to build, which is great. My best advice to you now is to take things very slowly. There will be some who say don't do anything, which has certain merits and only you can know what is best for you and yours. I would say make sure to keep talking and keep the door open now it has been opened. I wish you and yours all the very best wherever that takes you.

[Maid_Marion]

Hi Camilla,

That is great news! You had the talk that establishes boundaries!
So much better to do that than the alternative.

Marion

[alwayshave]

Camilla, I never told my ex-wife about my hobby, I'm glad I didn't as she was a master manipulator and would have used the information as a weapon. I told my know wife before we moved in together, so I never had to worry about her reaction. It is great to be transparent.

[crobeson96]

Some excellent guidance here:
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=Partner

[Monique65]

While we have not officially had “the talk”, I’m sure my wife is aware of my penchant for feminine attire. When she caught me wearing her panties, she suggested that I get some of my own, and even helped me pick them out.

[JaclynL61]

Well done Camilla. You're correct in that it is a relief not having to panic about any small thing being found. I hope the boundaries set are things you can stay within.

[suzanne]

You are so fortunate your wife is willing to talk with you about your dressing. Everything I've read in this forum tells me that communication is vitally important. That's not how it went for me. My wife tried to shut down every attempt I made to share my feelings. The silence was deafening. So, against the advice I knew was right, I dressed whenever and however I liked. I had two aims: 1: to inspire her to say ANYTHING, be it good or bad, and 2: to show her nothing bad happens when I put on a dress. Luckily, she did change her mind about me, but the result was always in doubt.

I say now from experience, that your way sounds much, much better than the road I felt forced to travel. So congratulations on breaking the ice with your boo. It may get rocky from time to time, but I feel like your story will have a happy ending.

[Gi Gondin]

Congratulations Camilla. A lot of good advice offered here! Hope your relationship with your wife develops to embrace your crossdressing. I believe that our partners, the person we share our life, our beds should be the one that can see us “naked” , no secrets, no lies… just us.

[sometimes_miss]

FWIW, when my ex first found out, she wasn't pleased. We went through a rough patch, she read up on it, we went to therapy together. After a few years, her sort of acceptance became paranoia, as her support groups told her that I would eventually want to transition and want SRS, and that inspired hatred; she really started believing I deceived her on purpose, with the intent to ruin her life. She became angry, and eventually sued me for divorce and blackmailed me for everything we owned.

So it can wind up going either way. Sometimes they can come around, sometimes change their minds. And sometimes become furious and vindictive.

Good luck.