Self Acceptance – A How to (get started) Guide

[Ms. Donna]

Yes, I know - a rather presumptuous title. However, this is a recurring theme amongst us – learning to accept ourselves. As I have said in the past, there is no ‘How To’ guide – so I’ve decided to change that.

What follows is boiled down from my own experiences and observations. I’ve omitted much of the ‘theory’ and ‘philosophy’, presenting this in as accessible a form as I can.

I’d like to see this be a ‘living document’ so to speak, with others sharing their thoughts and views. If it can be made sticky so others can find this quickly that would be great as so many come to forums such as this looking for acceptance both of themselves and from others.

I encourage others to share their experiences: what works for them – and what doesn’t. This is the biggest and more important hurdle to overcome. As a community, we should be able to help all of us to feel good about whom we are.

And with that said…

Who do we think we are?

We all have an identity – at least we think we do. We will rattle off a laundry list of traits, attributes, beliefs and the like – claiming all of it to be who we are. However, if we start to examine this, we will discover that most – if not all – of what we claim as aspects of our identity – who we are – are ideas, constructs, beliefs and such which we have adopted as our own. Even those new ‘ideas’ we have are in fact based on other information we have borrowed from the world around us.

The core of our sense of self – of our identity – is largely given to us. We are born, a doctor looks us over and declares that we are either a ‘boy’ or a ‘girl’ – and from that day on, we are guided – or trained – to be just that: either a ‘man’ or a ‘woman’. This is something over which we have no control. As a result, this part of our ‘identity’ is – in effect – dictated to us and we grow up believing that this is who we are supposed to be. To be a ‘man’ or ‘woman’ was not our idea. And as a result, we grow up feeling different and somehow disconnected from what we are supposed to be. Finally, in an attempt to cope with this, develop another identity altogether.

And just how many people are in there?

We all have an identity – or two. At some point, we develop this ‘other’ persona who now becomes the embodiment of all these ‘other’ feelings. We wind up with ‘Mr. Man’ – the masculine side – who likes beer, sports and power tools. And, we wind up with ‘Ms. Woman’ – the feminine side – who likes bubble baths, pretty dresses and shopping a good sale.

As a coping mechanism, sectioning off all these ‘other’ and ‘different’ feelings works because it allows us the illusion of normalcy. We can look like, act like and think like all the other ‘men’ and ‘women’ without those pesky ‘feelings’ getting in the way. It allows us to be like everyone else – for a while.

But, doesn’t ‘Ms. Woman’ ever watch a ball game?

Doesn’t ‘Mr. Man’ ever want to ‘look nice’?

Don’t they both ever go shopping together?

As time goes on, both ‘sides’ will begin to seep into each other. The thoughts and feelings of the one begin to encroach upon the other until we have to realize that there is no other ‘side’ – no other persona. All the thoughts and the feelings are those of one person and they have been there our entire life – we just couldn’t accept them as being something belonging to us.

Dealing with the “Why” question

And while all this is going on, we continue to ponder – obsess over – one question:


Why am I like this?

It’s a valid question: we want a reason for feeling as we do and being as we are. The problem with this is that we tend to get bogged down in this - almost to the point of obsession. The first thing we need to realize is that we are as we are and answering the ‘why’ question will not change that fact. This does not mean that we should stop questioning and learning – it simply means that we will most likely never get a complete and personally satisfactory answer. We will get theories and conjecture – some better than others – but we should not expect to ever get a true explanation. In society as it is organized today, you’re transgendered and you cannot explain it away.


Understanding the guilt and shame

“If I only understood why I’m like this, I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself.” Yes, we tend to be very hard on ourselves. There is much guilt and shame that comes with who we are – and while it is inevitable, it need not be permanent. What we need to do is understand what guilt and shame are and what the feelings mean.

We all have a set of internal ideals that govern how we live our lives. We interpret these ideals largely in the form of ‘ought to’ – I ought to be good, respectful, law-abiding, etc. ‘Ought to’ rules amount to a set of standards we establish for ourselves. When we fail to meet those standards – when we ‘fall short’ of our own expectations, we feel guilty. In short, we have let ourselves down.

‘Ought to’ rarely carries with it a fear of punishment – that is what the ‘must’ rules are for. ‘Must’ rules are usually defined in the form of ‘you must do x or else y will happen’ – with y usually being some form of punishment. These ‘must’ rules amount to behavioral control: to avoid punishment, I ‘must’ do the following.

Included in this set of internal ideals is how we feel we should be with regards to our gender. Everyone has an image of the ideal ‘man’ or ‘woman’ and they strive to live up to that image. In our case, though, we have two ideals: ideal ‘man’ or ‘woman’ we were taught to be – and the ideal ‘person’ whom we see ourselves to be. This is where our trouble starts. We feel guilty and ashamed when we fail to live up to the expectations of being the ‘man’ or ‘woman’ we are supposed to be. From a social perspective, we see ourselves as failures. At the same time, we feel guilty and ashamed when we fail to be what we see as ‘true’ to ourselves. We are in a double bind here – a no win situation. For us, who we are supposed to be and who we feel we are wind up in opposition to each other.

We already know that being who we are supposed to be just feels wrong to us – regardless of how we were raised. And yet, acting in opposition to our socialization feels wrong as well. This is where many of us get stuck: we sneak around, do our thing and hate ourselves afterwards. We purge and/or try to deny our feelings and hate ourselves for it. We repeat this for years – sometimes our entire lives. We become trapped in a cycle of guilt and shame from which there is seemingly no escape.

Breaking the Cycle

This is where it gets difficult. There is a way out of the cycle, but it requires that we accept something which we spent our entire lives fighting:


We will never be normal.

Normal here is defined as being that person whom we were told we were supposed to be: the ‘man’ or ‘woman’ we have spent our lives trying to be. We will never live up to the expectations of ourselves or society in this respect.

Consider for a moment what this means. We spend our lives wanting to fit in – to not be different. Yet, despite our best efforts, we never seem to be able to get there. Acceptance that we will never ‘fit in’ as we have envisioned it is a painful realization. For some, it represents a lifetime of futility. For others, it seems like a life sentence in exile. Without the illusion of ‘normalcy’ behind which to hide, in almost all cases we are left completely exposed for the first time.

Recall that guilt we felt? The guilt of not living up to being who we are supposed to be? Once we accept that we will never be that person, what is out motivation to continue to feel guilty over it? For us, it was unreasonable expectation. It was someone else’s expectation of how we should be. It was someone else’s interpretation of how we should be.

This is an important point to understand because up until now, we have been judging ourselves – our worth as a person – by someone else’s standards. We have denied the value and worth of our own feelings in favor of those of others. We have allowed powers outside of ourselves dictate to us how we ought to be. The recognition that we have been trying to live up to one possible interpretation of how we ought to be opens the door for the realization that there are other possible interpretations of how we ought to be – including our own, whatever that may be.

Moving Forward

What we now have is an opportunity we did not previously have. By letting go of the assigned identity of ‘man’ or ‘woman’, we now have the opportunity to become the person what we have denied and suppressed for so long. That person could be very much like our ‘assigned’ selves or they could be radically different. We may look to change many aspects of our self or just a few – or none.

Accepting ourselves does not mean that we have to do anything special. In fact, we may not change anything other than the way that we perceive ourselves…


Which is perhaps the most important change of all.



All my progress has been an attempting and a questioning - and truly, one has to learn how to answer such questioning! That however - is to my taste:

not good taste, not bad taste, but my taste, which I no longer conceal and of which I am no longer ashamed.

‘This – is now my way: where is yours?’ Thus I answered those who asked me ‘the way’. For the way – does not exist!


Thus spoke Zarathustra.

[Joy Carter]

Thanks for the up lifting post Danna !

[Dian]

Donna, all I can really say is, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. The time and thought that you put into that is amazing. The simple truths you share, are profound and so very true for me in so many ways.

I have only recently acknowledge my authenic self, and am trying to understand and accept what that means to me. You have given me some good things to ponder, thank you!

[Barb Valentine]

:clap:

[steffie39]

Very profound statements and very good wisdom contained in your thread. Thank you!

Steffie

[susiej]

Donna,

In spite of (or perhaps because of) having consumed a couple glasses of wine tonight, but inspired by your initiative, I'm going to try to expound on a dimension of our situation that you didn't really hit in your otherwise most exquisite post: the bifurcated self of the closeted T-girl.

I've been a father for 23 years. I've been married for 26 years. But, I've been a T-girl since early puberty, nearly 40 years. I'm totally in the closet. Susie is unknown to my family, friends, everyone except my anonymous girlfriends in this forum. How is this possible? Why am I not insane, or divorced, an alcoholic, or long ago dead of AIDS? How can I still think clearly after all that time? Why do I still honor, and as a matter of fact, cherish, my wedding vows? Yet, how is it that I still enjoy dressing, 24x7, the few times my wife and daughters are away? And, most importantly, how is it that this forum is overrun with ladies just like me :) ?

The answer is that there are two of us, living inside the same body. We are partners, Susie and I. Over the years, we have worked out what it means to be happy together, and how to keep our partnership compartmentalized, so that there's plenty of room for the others who need us.

"An artist is a person who can hold several simultaneous contradictory beliefs, and still function". I've forgotten who said that, and tonight, Google, surprisingly, is no help. But, this is the heart of the matter. Donna, your post spoke of dealing with shame and guilt, but Susie and I believe -- this is really important -- there is no shame, and there should be no guilt, in being what we are. We are artists, capable of being what we need to be, for who we need to be it with. This is not falsehood, or play-acting. We give to our companions, according to what they need. There's no point in attempting to give them what they don't need.

At work at the bank, or at home with my wife and the girls, it's easy enough for me to be Mr. Banker, Mr. Dad and Mr. Husband, and to be frank, I enjoy these roles. What's not to like? "I'm King of the World!". I give them my prime time, yet there are moments left over, in which Susie can be herself, without being a problem, and without hurting herself or me. Those moments, oh, my goodness, they are as sweet now as they were when I was a scrawny little girl of 12 :).

This thread is about self-acceptance. My point is that self-acceptance does not require you to either (a) purge yourself of your feminine side, or (b) come "out" to friends, family, co-workers and neighbors, and pay the inevitable consequences. As long as you, yourself, accept and honor what you are, you can keep part of yourself in the closet, if that's what is best for you.

I dearly hope and expect that Susie and I will be the last generation of closeted T-girls. In another few years, it will be OK to be Susie and me, together, in the same body. Maybe even parents, spouses and children will understand and appreciate gender gifted family members such as we. We anticipate looking back at age 90, telling our great-grandchildren how strange it was that certain people couldn't wear certain clothes, because they would be socially outcast. They won't believe us, because the tale will be just too bizarre.

But in the meanwhile, we, and any other T-girl here, can do both if we really need to. It's not that difficult. The key is to remember to give your loved ones what they need. There are plenty of spare, private moments for you to share with your other half.

Hugs,
Susie

[Dana]

All the above is true ~ but as you said to me ~ it "a beginning"

One of my definitions (after all Eistein said its all relative) is that there's the way its suppose to be and there's the way it is! There within between the two lies ~ reality.

There's the way its suppose to be ~ the way that I'm suppose to act, dress, speak, walk, behave, be opininated about ~because I was born with a XY chromosone ~ this according to society at large ~ as to what a "normal" man is suppose to be ~ and then there is the way that I am ~ and there within lies my own personal reality ~ mine alone ~ if not shared by others?

A basic fact of life is this ~ the vast majority of people that walk upon this world each day ~ are at best described as simplistic, marginally educated, and act, and conduct their lives ~ based upon the way that they "were raised " many seldom if ever questioning that. Many, will tell you, "Well, I just don't believe in that, because that's not the way that I was raised!" As though they are incapable of an independent thought ~ or of every thinking outside of the box.

There's a such thing as a "herd mentality" aspect to the the nature of human beings ~ in that acting, being, thinking, living outside of the "norm" is considered sinful, dangerous, taboo, forbidden.

In a discussion with a 38 year old traditional Southern American male, born and raised in the Deep South, who is a traiditonal family man, who attends church on a regular basis, and whom with his wife ~ do their up-most to project the image of the same, I asked him if he was going to go and see "Brokeback Mountain" to which his simple response was, "NO! That's controversial!" That is to say, he, his wife, his extended family would never participate nor indulge in anything that might be deemed "controversial"

I live in a rural Southern town, and have for the last ten years. No one, except a close GG knows that I'm a CD.

You know what? I will NEVER be accepted in this town ~ even though I'm orginally from a even smaller town ~ twenty miles south of where I currently live. Why? Because I wasn't born and raised here. Since living here, I've been asked, "You're not from here ~ are you?" "Who's your Mama and Daddy?"

A predominant Christian denomination in this part of country, preaches that its members cannot date, let alone marry someone who's been divorced, (Hey! She left, and quit the marriage ~ not I!)

The first part in finding self-acceptance is understanding that CD'ing withstanding ~ and going about your life as a otherwise perfectally "normal" male ~ your going to run into predigious, bigorty, ignorance, self righteousness, each and everyday of your life.

Me? I read a lot ~ and I do mean a lot ~ about a lot of different things. But, I've found that you're average person reaction to suggesting that they read this or that book ~ is about on the same level as telling someone , ................well that you're a CD!

In an interesting poll, ~ only about 3% of all Americans have read a book cover to cover within the past year. Even more interestingly is that about the same per centage have a library card?

What I'm saying here is this~ there are a lot of ignorant, simplistic minded people running around out there. Most of whom are living there lives ~ as though it was some "Meet The Beaver" re-run, as though that was how real life ever really was.

The truth of the matter ~ if "Leave It To Beaver" were any really real refectin of modern day life, Ward was probally a drunk and a wife beater, June was a closet drinker ~ and maybe even a pill popper (for her nerves you know) Wally was thug, and hung out with a gang ~ drinking beer, and smoking pot, and the Beave ~ is probally gay.

I'm being factious of course~ but that would be more reflective of modern day life ~ than what is protrayed on television or the movies. That's why the controversy over "Brokeback Mountain" because it up-sets the status quo, the belief system of the majority. The segement of society that only wants to subscribe to "The Way Its Suppose To Be" side of reality, and dis-allow, and discount "The Way It Is!" side. Guess which side cross dressers fall on?

The simple fact of the matter is that crossdressers are REAL, they do exsist, they are a part of reality. They've always have been, and always be some man that has a burning desire to dress in women's clothes, jewelry, cosmetics, etc.

In the end it matters not, how you came to be a crossdressr, under what circumstances, etc. All that matters is that you are one ~ and to deny that is to deny yourself. To deny who and what you are as person ~ as a complete person, as a whole person.

You ~ we ~ I have to be accountable for that! We have to own up to that! WE have to own that ~and to do any less ~ is to live a lie. The question ISN'T wheather to own up to it ~ nor wheather to be accountable for it ~ the question is HOW to go about doing so? What works for me ~ and in my current situation won't work for you and your current situation. However! Every morning for the rest of your life ~ you've got to get up and look yourself in the mirror, the lake, the stream or whatever pool of reflection you may have at hand!

From the time your 20 years old ~ until age 70, you have 40 years, 480 months, 24,960 weeks, 559,440 hours. Life is short, way too short. The time to get real about yourself, your life, ...............IS NOW!

I was married, had children, served my patrotic chore, served my country, was a dutiful son, husband, father, citizen. I worked my butt off for others, and have lived my life to satisfaction of others. No more! I'm working for me, now,...................and living my life for me NOW! And, if that sounds just a little narrcisitic,.........selfish,.............well I'm just sorry to hear that!

My attitude NOW is this ~ If you have a problem with the way I choose to live my life, conduct my life, arrange my life, then that's what it is ~ YOUR problem ~ and I'm not apolgizing for it!

I can do that, because I've choosen to be single, and to live alone ~ and that what that is ~ my choice.

Relationships? Easy to get into! Hard to maintain! Hard to get out of!

It seems to me ~ that in most relationships (I'm NOT speaking in absolutes ~just my experiences through life thus far) that men are expected to give 99.99 % and should expect to get .000001 in return. Its not enough that you've got a good job, a good carrer, with good pay and beneifits, that your a sucess in your career, that you bring home the bacon, don't run around, don't physically, emotionally abuse your wife and children ~ its not enough!
No matter how much you work "for it" its not enough. You work and work and work some more ~ you give, and give, and give some more ~you give 110%, and you still end up getting economically ~ financially raped for decades to come ~ because you ask for just a little compassion, understanding! (And for the GG's I qualifty that with ~ Yes, the door swings both ways!)

I'm not going to get into this bi-polar discussion about what CD's are and aren't (as in, "Well? Yea, I'm a crossdresser, but at least I'm not a___________________{fill in the blank})

The horrible truth be told ~ most CD's (with exception) are decent, "normal" men that simply have a need, want, ~ desire to experience at least the tapperings of femininity. Granted, we're on the left hand side of the bell-curve ~ but have you considered what's on the right hand side of the bell curve?

Me? Personally? I though with trying to live my life to the expectations of others, not that I'm going out to flaunt my life, my life-style (Hate that term) wants, needs, desires in the face of others ~ simply because its none of thier business. Just that plain and just that simple.

[BrookeMckayla]

Donna, that was really awesome! Very insightful. And it touches on what I've been struggling with lately. Just last night I was talking with my wife, and she was saying I may never be able to be passable (it was a very open, and honest conversation). We were trying to figure out why. What qualities exactly is it that make me look like a guy in girls clothes. To us, it's hard to see past the male me we all know and love. Maybe it's because we are both just too familiar with my face . . .I think a lot has to do with my beard shadow and skin complexion. I've done a lot of reading on FFS and realize that I was blessed with having a lot of feminine features (never thought I'd say that), but something just sets off the whole look and to us I look like me in girls clothes.

So she said, "you know all you really have to do is just be you. " She said, you don't really have to try to be anything.

Wow, it sounds so simple.

That's when I really realized I won't ever be "normal", just like you said. I am this way and I shouldn't worry about other peoples version of normal. I should just act the way I feel and not worry about gender assignments in society. I spent soooooo long learning how to be a male, and filtering out the rest that I thought was feminine and might blow my cover. Wow, I realize how much I've repressed myself.

The music, the movies, the feelings, the things I say . . .everything I do is done through a filter. If it didn't seem like a thing a guy should be doing or saying then I didn't do it or say it. It's amazing how much training I've been through and how well I've learned the practice.

Now, I want to unlearn it and just be myself. Seems like such a simple thing to do. Just be yourself.

She asked me if it was like I was two different people. And at that moment I realized . . .NO. Brooke is more me than I am as a guy. When I'm a guy, I'm filtered. My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, the things I like to do and listen to, are all filtered to try and live up to that male image.

When I'm Brooke, I'm just me. Just being myself, unfiltered. And it feels good. :thumbsup:

[Jenni]

Oh yes, self-acceptance. I've always wished I could come to this point, but after so many years, I'm still not there. Haven't even been able to tell my therapist about it yet; guess I'm just too embarrassed about it. I've never told another soul about Jenni.

Our family has been through so much already, I just haven't been willing to add another burden to the already substantial list of trials. Keeping it secret has been costly for me, causing sleep disturbances, depression and digestive problems. There's probably many of you reading this that are familiar with the guilt, hurt and self-esteem problems.

One of my best friends confided in me years ago that he was gay, and I always admired the courage he must have had to do this. Now he is "out", and a lot happier with his life. Lately, I've entertained the idea of maybe telling him about Jenni, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I've often fantasized about going out as Jenni, fully dressed, to one of the clubs my friend goes to that would be cd friendly.

But, I'm not there yet. The "closet" is such a lonely place to be. :sad:

[Dana]

[QUOTE=Jenni] Keeping it secret has been costly for me, causing sleep disturbances, depression and digestive problems. There's probably many of you reading this that are familiar with the guilt, hurt and self-esteem problems. QUOTE]

Ditto one and the same, and to add insult to injury I was self medicating heavly with alcohol, and then about three weeks ago, I read a weekly column in the newspaper by Dr. Gott. He spoke about Melatonin, (http://www.melatonin.com/melatonin-faq.php#WHEN) and its been a Godsend in helping me to get to sleep at night. It doesn't "knock" you out, but it most definately help you regain your natural sleep pattern, and will help you get more quality "alpha" sleep. I wake up more refreshed, sleep better, have more energy, and wake up feeling as though I got a good night's sleep.

Its relatively cheap, over-the-counter, and available in the herbal and vitamin supplement section of most pharchacy's. Best of all its non-addictive.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Susie,

Thank you for your wonderful post and insite into this aspect of ourselves. I have not much to add to it but a few comments.


The answer is that there are two of us, living inside the same body. We are partners, Susie and I. Over the years, we have worked out what it means to be happy together, and how to keep our partnership compartmentalized, so that there's plenty of room for the others who need us.

You have, by all accounts, already reached your acceptance of self and have found a way of being that works for you - which is the whole point. I understand the distinction you are making here and I think is is different from the one I was making.

For me, 'Donna' really was this other person and I pushed everything non-conforming into her. For a while, 'Donna' was nothing more than another form of denial. She was everything that was 'not me' - i.e: the 'me' that I was supposed to be. I don't think that this is the distinction you are making.


your post spoke of dealing with shame and guilt, but Susie and I believe -- this is really important -- there is no shame, and there should be no guilt, in being what we are. We are artists, capable of being what we need to be, for who we need to be it with. This is not falsehood, or play-acting. We give to our companions, according to what they need. There's no point in attempting to give them what they don't need.

Which is where we want to be. For many, though, it is a long and painful journey to reach that place. It took me the better part of my adult life to get there.


This thread is about self-acceptance. My point is that self-acceptance does not require you to either (a) purge yourself of your feminine side, or (b) come "out" to friends, family, co-workers and neighbors, and pay the inevitable consequences. As long as you, yourself, accept and honor what you are, you can keep part of yourself in the closet, if that's what is best for you.

I agree completely. As I said, accepting ourselves does not mean that we have to change anything. Do I have a 'feminine side'? Sure. And if I dig a bit, I can come up with my 'masculine side' as well. :) Then there's my 'geek side', my 'rocker side', 'parent side', etc... All are aspects of my personality - all a part of one person.

Accepting ourselves is not about purging any anything or doing anything which is not life-affirming.

In the end, it is about finding our place in the world that works for us.


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Ms. Donna]

The music, the movies, the feelings, the things I say . . .everything I do is done through a filter.

This is something that most people do not realize about themselves. Anthropologist Ruth Benedict made a simple yet profound statement in her book Pattern of Culture:

No man ever looks at the world with pristine eyes.
There are no uninterpreted experiences: everything is filtered through the lens that is our set of experiences in the world.

Once we realize this, we can start to examine and understand just how we came to have the world view that we do. Once you know how you interpret the world as you do, you can then start to change that view - otherwise, you remain a prisoner.

IMHO that is. :)


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Janelle Young]

I know that I am 'supposed' to be a man at all times, that is the way I was raised and the way that society looks at me. I also know that I want / need to be a woman at times. It has taken me 40 years or so to accept the fact that I am me. Not two different people in the same body but one person. For a long time I thought of myself as two different people due to what others around me thought. Only recently have I accepted me for the what and who I am. Still not sure how I did that but one big thing for me was the not trying to answer the 'why am I the way that I am'. I guess I just thought the heck with it, I am the way that I am. For me that was a huge weight off of me. I don't care why I am the way that I am, I just know that I am. Am I different from most? Yes I am. Am I less of a person because of it? No I am not. I am me and I have a feminine side. I like my feminine side.

[Adrienne Heels]

This is a post to really make you think. Up until recently, I think I had my feminine side buried in my subconscious. Sure, I liked to look at pretty heels when I went shopping, and even had occasionally purchased some heels and hose which I wore sometimes for fun, and purged them when I was done with them. But it was just recently that I decided to myself that I wanted to dress. I feel good about myself when I have my femme clothes on. I like Karyn a lot. I know that I have to do my guy things as a provider and a dad, but I am going to allow my sensitive, female side to come out as well.

The funny thing is that I am not really sure what made me decide to want to CD, but I know that when I bought my wig, I knew I was going to dress all the way.


For now, I am in the closet at home....I may never be able to tell my wife. But I am definitely gonna continue to dress.

[Brandy_Marie]

I just started reading an interesting book that many may find helpful in this matter - My Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein.

Brandy Marie Devereaux

[Ms. Donna]

I just started reading an interesting book that many may find helpful in this matter - My Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein.

Brandy Marie Devereaux

Kate is an excellent writer. You should give her other book, Gender Outlaw a read when you have a chance.

My Gender Workbook is great - lots of good information and stuff to think about.

I have Kate's Gender Aptitude Test (http://cydathria.com/ms_donna/ga_test.html) from the book online on my website - with Kate's premission of course. ;)

Check it out if you're interested.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Audrey34]

Self acceptance. Easier said than done. All weekend long I have obsessed about crossdressing and yet I just can't seem to take the extra step beyond choosing what to wear. I know it sounds bizarre but there are moments when I feel very dissatisfied with how I look and my weight (I'm 315 lbs). Before I dressup I get these expectations of seeing somebody beautiful in the mirror and in the end it's a fat guy in a dress. Sorry to be like this right now but at times crossdressing and accepting who I am can be a little difficult.
-Audrey

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Audrey,

I don't know many people what are really 'happy' with their appearance - especially crossdressers. However, accepting yourself and liking your appearance are two different things.

I'm 260 lbs. And while I'm down from the 280 I started at, I have a lot more to go. Do I like what I see in the mirror? Let's just say that I'm not thrilled - but that has little to do with accepting myself. I accept and like who I am and that goes a long way to encouraging me to get into better shape. Before that... What was the point?

We all have it within ourselves to forgive and accept ourselves. We just need to decide that we are ready to take that step.

All you need to do is to give yourself a chance.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Bonnie Jean]

excellent post and replies. Sorry this won't be as well written as donnas or danas Self acceptance is a goal we all strive for and few of us seldom reach. The road can be long and very painful, for most of us But it is a road that definatly needs traveled for our own inner peace and tranuility. No matter what we do we are never going to be fully accepted by all the people we come in contact with, so we must look for aproval of what and who we are within ourselves. When we reach that state we still won't know why or how we got here, but will at least be able to live with ourselves and hold our heads up and say I AM ME AND I AM WORTH SOMETHING. Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but real beauty is someone that is in peace with ones self and that inner peace sends out a glow that can be percieved by others. 0.02

[Ranee Daze]

Too often on this forum I find that people portray the closet as a shameful place and that "coming out" is the only honourable option.

Acceptance, sure, "My name is Ranee Daze and I love the fact that I am a closeted crossdresser!"
By coming out after all of these years I would lose so many close connections with family, friends and work.

By stopping and purging I would become angry an depressed.

By remaining in the closet (yes I do go out enfemme once a month) I can cherish this aspect of my personality as my own special playground. I can go out and play and then come back home and put Ranee back in the box (suitcase actually) and happily and confidently return time after time to celebrate having Ranee in my life.

It takes alot of careful planning. It takes lots of skill, practice and smarts. It is dangerous.

But hell, men spend thousands of hours on golf, fishing, model trains......

[Jacqui]

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a girl. My earliest dressing experiences, infrequent as they were, seemed to provide the conduit to those innermost feelings.

Through my adolescent years there were limited opportunities to dress and get the "feeling" or even to think very often of my growing obsession. This continued through my 20's, 30's and now 40's. The only guilt I ever had was from having to "borrow." I didn't think it was right then and I don't think it's right now.

Finally, about 3 years ago, I summoned up the courage to get some of my own "stuff"....bra, panties, stockings, cheap wig, makeup. I learned how to tape for cleavage and tuck for flatness. If I turned down the lights and squinted in the mirror, I could see a "woman" looking back at me.

It was during this time that I reached an epithany. All of my life, I tried to make myself look like a woman. What I had neglected was trying to think, feel, and act like a woman. I have spent these last few years, in the moments of the time I have to myself, imagining my life as a GG.
I have even gone so far as mapping out a life in my mind from girlhood to teenage girl to woman. Each succeeding time, I build upon what I have already imagined. And the big shock came one day when the physical and the mental met in the mind and the mirror...when I realized that I didn't really want to have Lesbian sex with Charlene Thieron, Catherine Zeta Jones, Sharon Stone, Rebecca Romijn, etc., if I was a woman, I would want to have sex with... a... _ _ _!!!!

Being happily married, having a beautiful daughter, and honestly having homophobic thoughts during my life, a new perspective was born.

There has not been nearly enough "Jacqui" time to satisy my intensifying desires. And let me be honest with you girls...it wasn't always "Jacqui..." it was "Kim," "Diana," "Angela," "Yasmine," and probably some others that I forget.

Here's where Plato's Myth of the Cave comes in. For those who aren't familiar with it, it's from "The Republic," written about 514AD.

Plato described a story to one of his students in which a group of Prisoners lived in a cave and were chained so that they could only face a wall. There was a fire in back of them that cast shadows on the wall in front of them. When they moved or passed objects from one to another, the Prisoners were able to see the shadows of the objects or of each other on the wall. To them, this was their reality.

One day, a Prisoner manages to escape from his shackles and ascend out of the cave. The broad daylight of the upper world initially blinds him and causes him pain. He can make nothing out of the "realities." His eyes only gradually become accustomed to shadows, then, reflections of men and objects in water, and then objects themselves. He marvels at these realities and their sight lingers under the light of the moon and the stars.

When the Sun rises, he becomes aware that it is this which gives light, reason, and character unto the world. He thinks back of his former Prisoners who know nothing of the real world. He pities them for their false beliefs.

But then Plato supposes that this man must return to the cave. And when he does, his eyes would be filled with darkness. He would not even be able to see the shadows that each of the other Prisoners could easily see. He would be ridiculed for attempting to go up out of the cave only to descend into total blindness.

And they put him to death.

Ok, maybe a little melodramatic! But to me, because I have experienced only the slightest, teeniest degree of what it is like to be a woman (The Sun), I compare myself to the Prisoner who unshackled himself and ascended out of the cave. And then, when it was time for drab, descended back into the dark and ignorant world.

Most of the world, to me, (except, of course, most of you in this forum!), are those with their backs to the fire looking at the shadows on the wall....not realizing what it would be like to live in the other gender.

Jacqui

[Ms. Donna]

Ok, maybe a little melodramatic! But to me, because I have experienced only the slightest, teeniest degree of what it is like to be a woman (The Sun), I compare myself to the Prisoner who unshackled himself and ascended out of the cave. And then, when it was time for drab, descended back into the dark and ignorant world.

Most of the world, to me, (except, of course, most of you in this forum!), are those with their backs to the fire looking at the shadows on the wall....not realizing what it would be like to live in the other gender.

Hi Jacqui:

What a great post. I somehow managed to miss that story but it is a great analogy. In general, people live their lives believing what they have been told is all there is to the world. They need to be shown that there is more to reality than the shadows on the wall.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Ms. Donna]

Too often on this forum I find that people portray the closet as a shameful place and that "coming out" is the only honourable option.

While I do feel that being out - even to only one other person - is something empowering, I in no way feel that being closeted is by default something shameful. One need not be 'out' to accept oneself. For many, being closeted is a place of shame and guilt, while for others it is a place of safety and security - their opportunity to be themselves.

It's good to hear positive stories from those who are closeted and happy.

Love & Stuff,
Donna