What to do?!

[Pumped]

We are going out to visit our daughter in a few days and my wife is pushing, (very lightly), for me to open up to our daughter about my CD'ing. I did say I really don't see the point as she lives in a different state and not likely to ever see me dressed. My wife did explain it would help if we were in an accident of some sort and our daughter was put in the position to clean out our house, but a letter in my stuff would cover that.

I seriously don't think our daughter would have and issue, but I don't know if there is any reason to tell her either. My wife mentioned that I could dress a bit more freely around her when we visit her or she visits us.

On reason I believe it would not be and issue is a few years back she was going through some gender issues herself, plus she is very open minded with relatives on her husbands side that are gay and she is totally accepting of them.

My wife mentioned it might be interesting to discuss the gender issues we both have.

I guess I am unsure if there is any negatives, but also unsure there is much positive to get out of it. Plus you have the chance of one more person knowing, and can she keep the secret?

[MonicaPVD]

What to do? Get down on your knees. Stretch your arms skyward. Give the Good Lord thanks for having such an amazing wife. Then do whatever she recommends.

[alwayshave]

Pumped, I tend to hold things close to the vest, so I do not divulge my dressing to anyone in my family or social group. But, if your comfortable having your daughter know, go for it.

[April Rose]

I am with your wife. What she is offering you is a closer relationship with your daughter and one less person you have to hide from.

[docrobbysherry]

Why burden her with keeping your secret? Unless u don't care who she tells because she doesn't live near u.

Tell people only if they needs to know! Unless u don't care who knows!:devil:

[Kitty Sue]

Telling your daughter would probably be a positive. However, I think you should only do so if and when you are comfortable with sharing that information.

[Pumped]

Part of my reasoning for not telling her is I don't know if she would keep the secret. I don't think she would just blab to everyone, but maybe tell someone else in confidence, and then it rolls along.

[Aka_Donna]

I had a somewhat similar question. Wife was troubled about being only other one knowing. Finally, decided to tell girls and one son.
That was about a year ago. I was worried about spreading, especially since one girl is a radio and blabs everything. They have keep it in need to know category and not broadcast. Don't feel you need to dress in front of them. For me, it was wonderful to see comfort of wife saying, "got him a dress for birthday" and no negative comeback from them. Only other rule we have is they don't buy me fem items.

[DianeT]

Pumped, there is a possibility that your wife may need it too. I don't know if she currently has anyone to talk to about your crossdressing. If you share the secret with your daughter your wife will have a confident. The secret can be heavy on a wife's sole shoulders.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

My wife is good at keeping secrets, but not every woman is. This question made me ponder. I'm pretty sure my mother was good at keeping secrets too. I know she disliked anyone invading her own privacy, and I'm sure she would return the favor out of respect. Certainly I could trust her. Since women can be very perceptive, I sometimes wonder if she ever suspected I was dressing in her clothes as a teen, and never let on, even to me? She wouldn't want to embarrass me in a discussion that would lead nowhere. Since she's sadly passed on, I shall never know now. But I do know she always thought it was "such fun when men dress up as ladies," and thoroughly enjoyed it on stage.

Then there's my daughter. She's told me some very personal things, including about herself. Is that because she'd feel free to tell anybody those same things? No, I think again that it's about trust. She takes it for granted that I wouldn't go blabbing those things around to anyone else. I don't think she would either. There is such a thing as a "family circle," which has boundaries around it.

So you'll have to make this judgment based on what you know of your own daughter. She may be very accepting of your sartorial preferences, but does she also know that "Loose Lips Sink Ships"? Many women enjoy "sharing everything" with one another because they feel it deepens their relationship on an emotional level. This could be part of how your wife is thinking. Women share many things that men don't, and don't want to. Sometimes that leads to conflicts among them and others when secrets are shared that were better left unspoken. This is your secret to keep or disclose, not your wife's, and whether you feel it's wise or necessary to deepen the relationship with your daughter is up to you, depending on your knowledge of your own family culture. And remember, as one of our members so shrewdly says: "You can't UN-ring a bell!"

[Chloe from Colorado]

My wife ahs recently suggested that I tell our sons, who are 17 and 19 that I dress. the youngest still lives with us, the oldest is stationed in another state. My wife's reasoning is that with the youngest knowing, I could dress more freely around the house. With the oldest knowing, if we went out, which we haven't yet, if by chance a friend of his saw us, that would not be the way he finds out. I will probably have that talk with each of them, because she is rarely wrong!

[kimdl93]

I would go with along with your wife on this, unless you can think of some horrible adverse consequence.

[GretchenM]

In general I am part of the "need to know" camp. But I don't think it should be a rigid rule. That mainly applies to casual friends, people where you work, and the like. Relatives, especially children, are a different matter. There is a need to know there, but it needs to be approached with caution and consideration. If you think their values will produce a bad reaction to your revelation then it is probably best to hold back, but not necessarily. I think, based on the evidence you have presented and your daughter's experience you should follow your wife's advice and do a private, one-on-one reveal with her. Let your wife know you did and about the reaction that then let the mother-daughter relationship take it from there. I have a feeling it will turn out just fine and your daughter will appreciate it.

My daughter is a therapist and she had no idea about dad's private forays into a world she is well acquainted with as a therapist. She greatly appreciated the honesty of the revelation and it brought us together much more closely.

[Sandi Beech]

Pumped,

If it were me, I would do whatever the wife wants because she is the one you live with. That said, the end result to some degree would be on her as well as you if it did not go well - which sound unlikely.

My only thought - we know you like wearing some provocative outfits. That might not be as well accepted by your daughter as simply presenting as female. It?s hard to say, just something to consider. It always depends on the individual. Personally, I think I would let your wife tell her. That way you are likely to find out what her real reaction is.

Either way, like Monica said, be thankful you have an accepting wife.

Sandi

[Patty_cd]

Your wife is probably the best person to help you... whatever help you're needed ans she's able to help you even when you d'ont thing you need help.

[NancySue]

My wife and I have discussed this issue often. We conclude to keep this to ourselves, and we do. We?re not sure how or if secrets can or will be kept.

[bridget thronton]

My wife wanted me to tell our adult kids so that if I were seen dressed outside the house our kids would not be surprised. I am glad I did - no hiding was a big stress relief (and now that my daughter and granddaughter live with us I can still dress at home)

[rachelatshop]

I sort of agree with your wife but my only concern would be your daughter's husband and how it would effect your relationship with him, which will also effect your relationship with your daughter. Best of luck and happy dressing always, Rach

[Stephanie47]

If you and your wife tell your daughter you're going to have to decide how much information should be shared. Is it going to be a one-liner; "Hey, your dad likes to wear women's clothing. So, if he and I die together, don't be surprised to find his stuff." Or, is it going to lead to a more open and informative communication. My wife and I are in a deep DADT. One of her main complaints way back was not having anyone to confide in. It became our shared secret. Are you ready to have your secret spread beyond your control?

[SarahLynn]

Many years ago I shared with my aunt that I thought my ability to write about how a woman thinks ( I know, we will never figure that out) was because I was more in touch with my fem side. In twenty minutes I got a call from my oldest brother wanting to know what the "H***" had I told Aunt Jeanie. I laughed it off saying she got mixed up about our conversation, likely caused by her age. His reply was along the lines of, Yeah she does that sometimes. I never again told my brother or my aunt anything about my life. Her daughters are just like her, no such thing as a secret. Tell one you might as well tell the world on the nightly news. My oldest brother didn't know the meaning of "secret" either. On that line, he one time let me know of a military secret which, had it gotten out, would have ended a lot of men's lives, and landed us both in the brig. I don't remember what it was about now and wouldn't even if you tortured me. I only remember it was a secret because it came up in conversation later in my life, with someone else, and had by that time been declassified.

[TexasLegs]

I'll be the devil's advocate. Don't tell her. Don't tell anyone unless confronted with incontrovertible evidence. Deny, deny, deny.

You have nothing to gain and once you let the cat out of the bag, you're not getting it back in there.

Some things are better left unsaid.

[Connie D50]

Great question I have two very close daughters. I told them both when i felt they were old enough to understand (late teens over 20 years ago), both have been very supportive. I never thought at the time or worried about them keeping the family secret. Both got married again thought my secret was good, you know where this is headed. My oldest daughter told her husband of 19 years thank goodiness he is a great guy so no problems at this point has happen ( I have no idea how many others she has told). My yougest has told me she hasn't and won't tell her husband 12 years which i'm happy about he is a great husband, but has hard line views on the topic. I was shocked to find out my daughter told, then I was told by a counselor I was seeing, I have no right to expect my daughters to keep my secret from people they love. So sorry for the long answer you never know who she might tell.

[Krisi]

My advice is to not tell anyone who doesn't need to know. Obviously, your wife and anyone who lives in your home does need to know, but unless you think your daughter might pop in unexpectedly someday and find you prancing around your house in a tutu, I would say she doesn't need to know.

[Pumped]

I am going with she doesn't need to know. No good reason to let the cat out of the bag, and once it is out, it is out.

i might talk to her about gender issues, and mention I feel it too, but stop before we get to the CD'ing part.

[SaraLin]

There have been a lot of good comments, but I think a big part of your issue is expressed in the last few words of your OP (quoted here)


and can she keep the secret?

I guess that since your wife is gently pushing you to say something, I'd probably recommend going along with it. You don't need to make a big deal out of it, or even have "the talk" about it - just allow it to come up in conversation. Maybe, as others have suggested, let your wife take the lead and you just nod and say "yup, that's me."


Before I opened up to my family and loved ones, I had to ask myself what would happen if the secret got out - and would I be able to handle whatever fallout came from it.

For me, the pain of not being truthful to those I cared about outweighed the fear of what would happen, and I had to gently break the news to them. If they told others, so be it.

I was lucky. My sister's comment was "I've always wanted a sister." My mom's comment was "Oh, I thought you were going to tell me you were gay." My best friend's comment was "Well, we've been friends all these years. I can't see this changing that."

To this day, most of them have never seen me in anything other than male mode.
But they know, and still accept me. That means the world to me.

I guess I should add this thought... I don't tell everyone. If they have no reason to know, I'd prefer it if they didn't. If they do find out somehow, oh well.
This attitude works for me. It moves my "gender stuff" from being a secret, to just being private. Now it's in the same category as what color undies I'm wearing today. If they get a peek I might be a bit embarrassed, but it's certainly not a big deal.

[Vale]

In my experience even the best people will only be able to keep a secret if they have strong personal motivation to do so. Otherwise it accidentally leaks out. Make sure there is a good reason for imposing the burden of a secret on her. ?.vale

[Pumped]

Saralin, I guess I don't see the point in telling her. She lives 1,000 miles away so it isn't like she will just pop in. I don't see what benefit there is in telling her other than the gender issues and they can be discussed without revealing everything.

My wife is not pushing very hard. If I say no she will be fine with it. I guess I need to talk to her and have more discussion and dig a little deeper into why she thinks it is a good idea.

[Karren H]

Might start getting better Christmas gifts from her if she knew? And no more ties on Fathers Day!!

[Vickie_CDTV]

Don't. There is no practical reason to burden her with it. If she isn't going to find out accidentally there really is no point. Finding out her father is a crossdresser is not going to improve her life in any tangible way, but it might upset her. She could also tell others in your family.

[Pumped]

Today I was able to take a few minutes to visit with my wife about the situation. I asked her why she felt it was important and she just thought it might bring my daughter and I closer together.

My daughter and I had a talk earlier this year about possibly having a slight bit of autism and she said she felt the same way. She thought it was crazy that I did route sales for a few years and I let her know that I was terrified to go into a new account but I would get up the nerve to do it. Being on the road for ten years was possibly that hardest mental thing I have ever done. Going in a dealing with customers would make me ill. Many times I wold drive by a customer's place of business and drive right by. I would stop and park and sit in the truck for a few minutes until I felt like I could breathe again. After a few times in seeing the same person the anxiety would drop to an uncomfortable, but doable level. It never did get easy for me.

Well, enough of that! I told my wife I felt like we could bring up gender issues and not reveal the CD'ing. I know my daughter went through some hard times in her teens where she said she felt like she should have been male. I often feel like I should have been female and looking back at my childhood it was always there. My wife was thinking we could have a good talk over it.

Oh, I did share my concerns of sharing too much and letting the cat out of the bag and having other people find out and told my wife I was not ready for that. She understands completely.

[Rachelakld]

depends on your relationship and her maturity.
I told my girls when they were in their mid teens.
All of them had special friends, who identified as females and even joined in when the girls had sleep overs.

Funny enough, I like how honest our relations are, yet I don't feel the need to share about my heart problems (they panic every time I go for an ECG)

[Paulie Birmingham]

Bssed on what i think ur cd situation is, I wouldn't tell her. Certain things kids dont need to know. And unintended consequences could be bad for her