How did you tell your friends

[Billie]

I assume some of you took dressing in women's clothing beyond just you, your wife and your family. So how'd you do that?

I have really changed how I dress over the last few years. I went from just panties that no one but my wife saw, to jeans and pants full-time. Toenails panted but mostly hidden to having my nails done 100% of the time. To now, I am just about out to everyone in the world except kids (wife says they know), career and my closest friends and our parents. I took a part-time job, thinking the people I worry about wouldn't shop there anyway and hoping that is the case, but also figured it would force that if they did.

Friends I care about knowing; a couple I am not too worried about, they're more my wife's friends and most likely to be accepting. One couple is more my friends than my wife's, but he is more likely to not be cool with it. He still hasn't mentioned my nails and will walk away if his adult daughter or wife starts talking about nails with me. Both couples we have dinner with weekly and do things together on the weekends.

Someday I'll ask about parents, but right now this is where I am. I feel like I skipped some steps or JUMPED them with taking that part-time job and now I need to go back.

[Stephanie47]

Perhaps I should not be throwing my two cents in since I am not out to anyone. My wife and I are in a DADT marriage. However, I have to question whether coming out to friends is a good idea. I sense there is some apprehension with one friend because he walks away from you when you're engaging in talk with his daughter and wife about nails. Are you sure he does not know already? I am not out to anyone because "outing" myself to others will potentially affect not only my relationship with friends, but, also my wife's relationships. If your wife is comfortable with your idea, then go for it. Tell them. You already run the chance people you know will encounter you at work (Torrid). Are you just going to tell them of your dressing or are you going to be en femme when dining with them or doing things with them? I think most people tend to associate with "like minded" individuals. If I felt compelled to spread my wings I'd find a social or support group. I guess it comes down to "risk vs reward."

[Billie]

It's strange, I am not worried about anyone seeing me out and at work, but I am scared of friends and family knowing. I've been to the Mall, Torrid and even the gym to workout with no one seeming to care aside from a few double takes and a few smiles. I went to the gym kinda hoping I would get a negative reaction, just so I could say it wasn't just my friends and family that didn't like me because of this. I'm also not really letting my friends or family have that chance yet.

[Kris Burton]

I think the bottom line to coming out has to be the answer to the question "Does this person need to know?". Some of the people you are closest to - kids and parents - may be in the does not need to know category. For instance, I have no secrets about this with my wife, and we discuss freely now. However, my femme self was completely closeted over the Thanksgiving break when my adult children were over. No need for them to know. You are probably right saying those that you worry about would not shop at Torrid, but if it is a worry, perhaps you should tell them...it would certainly keep you from being paranoid about running into them at work. However if your main concern is your friends and family finding out,I'd say ask yourself this question, and proceed accordingly.

[kimdl93]

It depends. In some cases I was talking to them over the phone and in other cases I told them by text or email.

[TamT]

I'm in a pseudo DADT mode. My SO don't like it at all, and she have told about my CDing to some therapists as she thinks that all of her problems are because of this, and none of them gave her the solution she wanted to hear. But I still think she need some support, so I've thought about telling some of our best friends many times... but I didn't. I'm not sure if it would be a good idea.

[Debbie Denier]

The only person that accepted was my mother. I thought about coming out to an old friend but resisted. He made some negative comments regarding drag shows and CDs which made me change my mind. I agree with Kris. Do they need to know? If not and there is a risk of a negative outcome then I think it?s not worth it.

[Majella St Gerard]

I threw caution to the wind and just started posting pictures of myself dressed on Facebook, I got to a point where I just didn't care what others thought anymore. Real friends will accept you no matter what. Some friends have asked questions and don't really understand but they tell me to just be myself.

[NatalieR]

I told people by email or text and kind of gauged their reaction before sending pictures. Some friends and relatives were like "Great! Let's go out! Whatever you are comfortable with!" Others were like "That's OK, be who you are", and then never mentioned it again. I have really enjoyed sharing it with people I knew (or was pretty sure) would be cool with it. I decided that it was a fairly important part of who I am and wanted people who were close to me to know. I decided not to tell my parents or siblings (yet?) because I'm not sure how it would effect our relationships. I did decide that I would tell potential romantic partners very early on, and my current partner knows and is very supportive. So awesome!

[bridget thronton]

I have a small number of female friends who know - plus my wife and adult children - they were told because I did not want to lie to them

[MonicaPVD]

Some of you may recall an incident I posted about a while ago, where a friend found out about me. That friend has since told three other friends that I know of, and I have had to deal with that situation over the past several months. One of those did not take it well and has basically ghosted me. He is very much an alpha old-fashioned macho kind of guy. Another is accepting but told me that he would prefer not to see me as Monica because he's not sure how he would feel about it. The third friend kind of just shrugged and went back to talking about his cars and the work he's doing on his home. This development is what has led to me being a lot more open about Monica as I clumsily attempt to force her/me into my daily existence.

[Nadine Spirit]

How did I tell my friends? One by one, slowly, over time. All reveals went fabulous at that time, but as time has gone on, some of those friends have now disappeared form our lives. Is that really a bad thing though? And is it really related to being trans? Friends come and go throughout our lives for a wide variety of reasons. I think I read something like 70% of our friends will be replaced like every 5-10 years or some such thing as that.

So, um, yeah, I transitioned so eventually I needed to come out to everybody, that's kind of part of transition. But I was also coming out to people back when I considered myself as "just" a crossdresser. I had heard the argument before of only telling those who need to know. It was actually a very common comment from a friend I made on these boards. Anywho, guess what she's doing these days? Coming out to her friends and family after years of insisting to everyone that it really isn't a good idea. She still considers herself to not be heading towards transition.

[Ressie]

If I were truly transitioning I would come out to everyone but I'm not. Friends that know the fem me are separate from my old friends that have always known me as a male. I have a secret other life as far as old friends are concerned.

I've told several girlfriends (and ex-wife) that I've had in the past who have told other friends without my consent. I don't know how many people have heard this "rumor" but it doesn't really matter. It's not something others will bring up.

[Angela Marie]

My wife knows and is accepting, although she prefers not to go out with me. No problem. I will start therapy soon to get some closure on the question of crossdresser vs. transgender. If I were in my 20?s 30?s transitioning would be a different question. At 67 though it?s different. No one really needs to know at this point, especially my children who I don?t think would be on board. Since I wear leggings basically 24/7 I?m assuming some people may have some opinions. But no one has ever said anything so it?s best to go with the flow.

[Jessica Secret]

I'm planning to tell some mutual friends of my boyfriend's and I soon but I'm waiting for the right time and circumstances. They're great people who I think will be accepting, and obviously they already know I'm bi so it may not be a huge shock to them but I want to make sure I tell them the right way.

[kellyanne]

I see no advantage to sharing this knowledge with non TG folk

[Geena75]

I'm going to put this in a very unvarnished form. I'm only out to members of this forum because they would understand. I'm very private, especially about personal things. Example; I have made love to my spouse often over the years, but I don't talk about it with my friends because it's personal, and we don't need to talk about it. I cross dress much less than that and likewise don't talk about it with those friends, we have plenty to talk about otherwise. I do talk about it here, because that's what we do. Again, that's just me. I wouldn't suggest anyone else follow my lead.

[Jolene Robertson]

I'm like many on here, I share more on here than I do with most since we have a shared interest in the matter. I have told a couple people who I do dress around when we are together but unless you intend to go full time I see no need to tell people who you won't be dressing around.

[ellbee]

I tend to take this approach... :)


Obviously I know a person, at least to a certain degree. So that's the first thing.

Sometimes I like to try to "gauge" them, should I feel they may be somewhat receptive. I do that with GG's a lot... Something happens and/or something is said, so perhaps in a "half-joking" kind of way I will respond to test that proverbial ice.

Then, I wait for their reaction. Maybe it's just those who I tend to be friends with, but for the most part? GG's *can* be pretty receptive to all this. :thumbsup:


Anyway, I then take it from there. Perhaps another time somewhere down the road, I do something similar with them again -- and continue to gradually explore that rabbit-hole. :devil:


I think what it all boils down to, is how & why do you want to incorporate this part of yourself, into the friendship. And with whom? And how do you go about doing it in everyday life? What are you expecting from this new twist on the friendship? Would the other person benefit somehow? How might the friendship grow/morph/fall apart?


So many angles to this, for sure.

If done correctly, with the right person? Yeah, it can be absolutely amazing at times! :thumbsup:

Tread carefully, though, too. ;)

[Sarah Doepner]

I hid for decades and decades but found I wasn't satisfied or fulfilled dressing in the closet. I eventually found a support group that I joined but they only got to see the Sarah side of me until I understood I could trust them. Eventually my wife found out, and to my good luck was supportive and we discussed needs and boundaries. That worked until she passed away. By that time, I had retired from my career and found myself living as Sarah as much as possible, but worried about being found out once again. I was still struggling and sought out a therapist to set a path forward. I came out to my daughter, and like others have mentioned my kids and some of their friends already knew. It was better, but I still felt confined by the need to have and protect two identities.

After a lot of discussion, I decided to take the first steps toward transition knowing if I continued, I'd have to come out to the world eventually. The day I took my first dose I came out to my oldest friend and his wife. Over the next year I began to evaluate who I really needed in my life and identified the friends who meant the most to me. Over a period of two weeks, I came out to 5 more couples, all of whom were supportive. During Covid lockdowns I found no reason to continue being the guy and started living full time as Sarah. I made more phone calls and continued letting friends and family know I was going to transition. I applied for and got my legal name and gender change. It was done by October 11, Coming Out day, and on that day, I came out publicly with only a couple of people lost to or antagonistic toward me.

In short, I waited as long as possible because I feared the loss of career, friends and family. I did my research until I had confidence that I was going to be given an honest response with a chance of success from those closest to me and worked it out from there. It was "Need to know, Right to Know, and finally Don't care who knows." It wasn't done overnight or on a whim. I probably could have moved more quickly, but I'm happy where I am now in this issue, and that's the final measure of success for me.

[Sabine Janus]

Things change over time. Friends become NOT friends. Crossdressing is a very personal thing. Unless someone NEEDS to know, or you absolutely NEED them to know, I'd keep it to yourself.

[JenniferMBlack]

So you wear women's pants all the time and are still under a dilusion that people don't know? And then your friends wife and daughter are talking about nails with you, at which point he walks away. I hate to break it to you sweetie but they know something is different with you. Just because they don't say anything doesn't mean they don't know.
I had a good friend see me while out wearing a skirt but otherwise presenting as male years ago. He didn't say a thing about it. A while later he saw me dressed full fem and then asked. Is this something you do a lot? I said yes probably to much. He said ok cool. We still stay in touch and he is supportive of me transitioning. He had no comments and the dressing didn't bother him but he was curious if I did it a lot, when seen fully dressed. I later found out he had seen me a few times before. We hadn't talked them times as I was trying to hide and he wasn't trying to hard to get my attention. Or other circumstances prevented it. But he never said anything. I honestly think iseing hindsight he was seeing how honest I'd be about it.

[Cheryl T]

I haven't told friends.
The only people who truly know are the people who were in the support groups we were part of before Covid. When I came out to the wife and she became supportive we agreed not to tell family and friends. So far that has been successful and that's fine with me at this point.

[Blonde617]

Every time I talk to my brother now, he assures me he has not told anyone about “that thing you told me about.” Gotten kind of annoying. My sister is chill about it.

[sometimes_miss]

I've told very, very few people, as I never really got positive responses. The best I got, were a few gay people, three female and one male. All wound up telling me that I 'should try dating men'. Nope, they didn't get it. But at least they understood why I was in the closet. The women, I was occasionally their escort for various social events where they weren't out, either. Same with the guy, who occasionally needed a more straight appearing friend. Generally nice people, but couldn't get their head around the fact that I wasn't just a gay man in denial. I suppose they all went through that stage at some point, and just assumed that I was going through the same thing.
Mother, sister, one friend, all were horrified when I told them, so that was the end of me telling the 'normals', pretty much forever. Society still has a long way to go, when it comes to accepting crossdressing. Sometimes we forget that, due to, oh, the general acceptance we get online in these support forums.
The Pink Fog is thick.

[Valerie420]

Im open and honest about the way I dress. I take pictures frequently when Im all dressed up. My internet friends see pics so its normal and theyre fine with it.

[dawnmarrie1961]

When I first started dressing full time I ran a computer repair company in Texas. I didn't give much thought to how it would affect my customers.
One day a lady whose laptop I had repaired figured she could get out of paying her bill by commenting on my appearance.
"And what exactly does that have to do with your bill? "
She went silent.
She paid what she owed.
You'd think that she would never come back after that. But she did.
She must of realized my rates were the cheapest in the area.

Sometimes people you thought are accepting will flip the script when they don't get what the want. Don't judge them. They are just frustrated with their situation. It has nothing to do with you.

[Jessica_NZ]

I have told friends via text message, phone calls & in person.

From my experience in person tended to go the best as I got a response straight away and was easier to decipher how they took it - good or bad.
Over the phone was ok, but was a little harder to tell exactly how they took it as you only have their voice to go by.
Text was the hardest as I generally found I was sitting there waiting for a response, which on a couple of occasions took a good 20mins!
I also found that face to face I got across what I was trying to say better, where as text messages are open to interpretation a little bit.

All in all, I have only ever had 3 "bad" reactions (I have probably told 20+ people - not including their spouses or whoever they have told). One friend said he was abit taken back & unsure of what to make of it & even admitted this was surprising to him as he felt he was very open minded. Another didn't take it well in person, but did a complete U-turn about a week later once she had time to think it over I guess.

I think it comes down to each to their own when it comes to who you tell. I understand that in certain circumstances it is best to keep it to yourself, but also something to consider would be if we were all more open about this side of ourselves with people, maybe it wouldn't be something we needed to keep hidden. There would be a bit more understanding about it if more people were exposed to this in the wider community would it not? Just my two cents & thinking out loud - not trying to start anything with that comment!
I would encourage anyone thinking of coming out to people to give it some decent thought first before doing anything. I myself am considering putting this side of me out their for the world to know, but am taking my time with this & giving it some serious consideration - many pros & many cons to every decision!

OP - Whatever you decide I hope it goes well for you. Trust your gut & be confident whatever the outcome :)

J

[Tina81]

I like your "Does this person need to know?" and for me that's no one except my wife. She's supportive and doesn't get uptight if I'm dressed in a dress with high heels, pantyhose, bra and panties. She even bought me a long silky smooth nightgown from Macy's for Christmas. She has a little uneasiness with the wig and make-up because it reminds her of my sister. Anyway, I do feel compelled to tell people I enjoy crossdressing so I'll just tell everyone here, "I love to wear women's clothes and shoes!" Sometimes I just enjoy gazing the clothes in the Chico or Talbot's catalog. I always thought growing up I was a one off. I never realized so many other also enjoy crossdressing. It's great sharing this unique characteristic with everyone here. I don't have to hide here.

[Wendy-Lyn]

I basically haven't, except for a very few. None of them 'caught' me, I simply told them.

I have one male friend who knows, and has known for years. He is gay (and helped me to discover that I was not), and is fine about it. We do not have a relationship but are close friends.

Another friend, a GG, has also known for decades. She will sometimes ask me to dress if she comes over to visit, and will often ask me about the panties I'm wearing (she has often willingly supplied said panties herself). We do have occasional sexual relations. There was another GG friend who knew and participated sometimes, but she sadly passed some years ago.

And I came out to my sister-in-law just yesterday, as I related in my recent thread on the subject.

[KymG]

I had a deep conversation with a friend and ended up telling her. She then told another who told another, etc. I believe its five now, but who knows.
Its never discused, i think its seen as a dirty secret or something.
Suffice to say that if i could turn back the clock they would not know.

[Maid_Marion]

I had one coworker that told me I ought to update my FB profile pic, but I see no reason to do that.

I get treated better dressing female, as I look pretty good with a 25 inch waist and hourglass figure.
Females are judged differently than men.

There hasn't been any difference in how my neighbors treat since I've started going outside in skirts.

I'm sure the postal folks know exactly whose been wearing all those clothes from Victoria's Secret.
Yesterday I got my new silk PJs delivered in the snow. I got an email that it had been delayed but it showed in my mailbox an hour later!

Marion

[Krisi]

My policy (and my advice to others) is to not tell anyone that I dress like a woman unless they need to know. Obviously, since I live with my wife, she needs to know. Nobody else needs to know so I haven't told anybody else, friend or otherwise.

What's important to rmember is, once you tell someone, you have no control over who that person tells. Your secret little "hobby" could soon be all over town. If that doesn't matter to you (or your wife), fine, tell your friends. If it does matter, tell no one.

[NancyJ]

I have not, and since I am not going to transition, I will not. If my wife chooses to tell a friend of hers for support, that is up to her, but so far she has not. Nancy

[Sometimes Steffi]

I know that this is probably going to sound sad, but boy me doesn't really have any friends, or at least anyone who is a close enough friend who would let me crash on their couch if I needed to. Except for my immediate family, all of my family lives at least 1000 miles away. My wife has friends, but since she doesn't acknowledge me, their is no need to tell her friends. I have no need or desire to tell my professional colleagues.

I have a lot of CD friends, and I know a lot of medical professionals, sales associates, makeup artists and nail techs, etc., most of whom have seen both sides of me.

I do have a 50th high school reunion coming up and I've flirted with the idea of going en femme, but that would result in being outed to all my relatives back home. I haven't decided if I want to do that. But, since I haven't seen most of them in years, who cares. I might not be invited to someone's wedding? That's already happened just because of an event that I decided not to attend prior to the wedding.

[Billie]

Well I know my wife's friends know as I met my wife and a couple of her friends Thursday night for dinner straight from work. And as luck would have it, the restaurant had a photographer for groups eating there. That photo was purchased by the friend that's visiting and of course posted in Facebook tagging me and my wife, well everyone in the photo. I know my sister-in-law knew, but she saw the photo, and likely means anyone that gets the notice that I was tagged or my wife was tagged.

Hmm I thought it would be someone I knew walking into the store that would be my outing and a little more controled. Say Le Ve

- - - Updated - - -

Last night we had a couple of friends over, one couple was with us Thursday night. When they first arrived, the wife pulled my wife aside and asked about what pronouns to use for me, as she and her husband and the other couple Thursday didn't know and wanted to be respectful. So far that's god

[DeeDee67]

As for me, I haven't confessed to anyone. However, I was spending a month with a long time buddy of mine a while back and my buddies sister noticed I had a light pink nail polish on my toes which I had completely forgotten about. I had my wife wanted to see what it looked like before she put any on her. I asked her not to mention it to my friend/her brother which I'm sure she did. Also while there her girlfriend took me shopping for a couple of presents for my wife. One place was Life is Good store which I bought a pair of very soft & silky shorts pink with penguin print. One night I tried them on and had to use the restroom, I poked my head out and thought everyone was asleep. Went to the restroom and when I came out my buddy was standing in the doorway. His reply, 'OMG"! Nothing was said for a couple days until he said something about it in front of everyone. He jokingly mentioned seeing me in the pink and elephant print panties. I corrected him saying they were pingoun print shorts and we all laughed and conversation moved along. And just a couple months later he asked how my hair was coming along, so I took a picture, unfortunately I was wearing a cami with spaghetti straps which a thought I had cropped it out but the straps were barely showing but he noticed and replied "nice top". Sometime during my stay he had taken a picture of me and ran it thru Facebook which he gave me very long hair and sent it back to me. LOL, he told me a still had a ways to go. �� Next story was with my wife, having had a few drinks she went over to our neighbors house and she completely outted me. The neighbor is a 70 year old open minded lady, apparently her response was maybe he's bisexual! I guess with this 2 friends I'm the one playing the DADT.

[azncd]

Some of you may recall an incident I posted about a while ago, where a friend found out about me. That friend has since told three other friends that I know of, and I have had to deal with that situation over the past several months. One of those did not take it well and has basically ghosted me. He is very much an alpha old-fashioned macho kind of guy. Another is accepting but told me that he would prefer not to see me as Monica because he's not sure how he would feel about it. The third friend kind of just shrugged and went back to talking about his cars and the work he's doing on his home. This development is what has led to me being a lot more open about Monica as I clumsily attempt to force her/me into my daily existence.

I had basically the exact same experience. It suuuuucked. But at the end of the day, it was almost freeing in a way, and like you, I found out quickly who liked me for me and who was more superficial about people.

[Jessica Secret]

I'm going to be telling some mutual friends of myself & my boyfriend's really soon (2 females) and I'm actually looking forward to it, I've had serious urges and an itch to tell more people for a while now. Obviously I don't know exactly how it will go but the friends are very nice and open minded people (finding out my bf & I were both bisexual wasn't a big deal to them at all) so I'm definitely confident about it. I'm also hoping that if they're also into lingerie like me that it could lead to a lingerie slumber party or something lol, but for now the goal is simply to tell them and be satisfied with doing that.

[Christina89]

When I told a couple of friends about my crossdressing, I explained about how it happened and why I do it. I then send them a few photos I have while dressed.

[susan2010]

I have told a few friends over the past year, including one girlfriend from LONG ago. With male and female friends, straight and gay, I have found nothing but support and continued friendship. I even had a few outings on hikes, museum trips, and a movie/resturant with some while wearing a skirt.

[chrissy111]

All of my friends and family know. And yes I have had friends disappear, but I feel it's their problem not mine.

[Heather76]

Only my wife knows and I plan to keep it that way with one exception. Should she pass before me, I would then tell my son and my daughter as I don't want them to go into shock should they find me unresponsive one day while dressed. I won't seek their approval or support. If they would give it, super. But, it certainly isn't necessary. I would still be their father and they would still be my children and I can't see anything damaging our relationships.

[donnalee]

If it doesn't affect your livelihood or your relationship with your immediate family, why should you care who knows?

[Beverley Sims]

My friends knew as I grew up.

There was never any real closeted time.