Wife came home....

[Natalie5004]

So I think most of you know that my wife works out of the house and I am left home working out of my office all day.
I get plenty of Natalie time when I want. Especially when I do not have too many Zoom meetings. Well, yesterday she dropped in unexpectedly.

I was in full display, beautiful dress, hose, shoes off in the middle of the room, full makeup and I curled my hair.

There was no way to duck and run. Here I am! All dolled up.

We have an agreement. I do not show her, she does not look. I do not rub dressing in her face and she will make sure I am not out on the prowl looking for men. We both agree to that. I would never be looking for men anyway. I call myself a lesbian because I love women.

There was no blow up. She was calm, I called to her from my office that she does not want to see me now. She knew exactly what I meant by that. She hit the bathroom (the main reason she stopped in) and left.

Later that day she asked a few more question about being gay. And my long dyed hair. (Her hair dresser did it). And made sure I was not on the path to something she would leave me for.

I told her that I am not interested in that I just love what I am doing and it is real fun for me.

She said, OK but no you cannot dress up for your birthday next week. Too bad, I was really hoping to sit down and enjoy an evening with her and Natalie. Oh well. It is what it is. Right?

[Charlotte Sparkle]

Phew, close shave you had there Natalie. At least it all ended okay for you, shame about your birthday though but at least you got to dress.
I'm really struggling for opportunities to dress at the minute and my credit card is taking a hit as a result :sad:

[PaulaJeanette]

Natalie, what happened to you has also happened to many others who indulge this life including myself. The fact that your wife knew is one thing but seeing is a totally different situation. That also happened to me! As I know others will say, go slow and let her process what occurred. The fact that she was calm is good. Stay calm and just be yourself and don't push. Who knows, by next week, she may change her mind.

[NancySue]

My experience has shown?things in life happen for a reason, for which, many times, at the time, you can?t see a reason or understand. I see some positives. 1. She knows 2. She?s opened a dialogue?are you gay, a big concern for wives, SO. 3. She has already, to a degree, approved, unfortunately with a stipulation. Could this is an opportunity to open more discussion? I told my wife before we wed, thinking she?d run. She had the same concern as your wife. Neither of us understand CDing, but we know it?s here to stay. By now, she can tell when the pink fog rolls in and will suggest I get comfortable. She doesn?t understand how an underwire bra, heels and hose can be comfortable. I just smile. As others have suggested, go slow, keep the dialogue open.

[RADER]

My wife and I had an arrangement also. I could dress in the house only.I dare not go outside dressed.
She would buy me outfits for me to wear, but at home only. Also, I had to spend some time as her
Husband, not her girlfriend. I worked construction, so dress up was usually kept to the weekends.
I miss her, she passed 9 years ago, I still abide by her wishes.

[Sandra_Dodds]

I would settle for that middle ground of being tolerated and able to dress subject to conditions. I work from home a lot now due to the pandemic and would spend more time dressed were it not that my wife is here all the time too.

[Stephanie47]

Natalie, I think your wife is exhibiting a lack of information/knowledge concerning cross dressing. Frankly, how many wives go around asking their non-cross dressing husbands if they are gay? If ground rules have been established and adhered to by husband and wife, let it be. Stop the hounding. Frankly, any time I read or hear about any guy being a pervert (spying on girl locker rooms, etc) or molesting minor boys and girls, it seems it is the non-cross dressing pillar of the community; clergy, politician, Boy Scout leader, teacher/coach.

[alwayshave]

Natalie, I understand the "are you gay?" because that is what a majority of people think. That's such a stereotype that is just not born out by the facts. However, my wife asked the question when I disclosed early in our relationship. She then did research in the gender literature, she was a psychology major before she was a politician, and realized it was unfounded. I'm sorry your wife has not done her research.

[Natalie5004]

Miss Shave, you are 100% correct. Mine should also know better with her advanced degrees in human psychology.

I will not push her in any fashion. Trust me on this, for those here think that I am doing it on purpose. I always clean up a hour or so before any expected return. And I do not dress every day. Maybe 2x a week.

In the meantime I need a few pair of hose. I wonder if I could call her and have her pick some up for me?

[Larissa Cassandra]

Natalie, may I suggest that you ask your wife to call you if she'll be coming home unexpectedly? I'm lucky that my wife is supportive, but that's the arrangement we have if she'll be coming home with a friend or relative (as I'm out to no one but her). I'm sorry you have to go through this anxiety. I worried about the same thing before I came out, and it was very uncomfortable.

Hugs,
Larissa

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife and I had an arrangement also. I could dress in the house only.I dare not go outside dressed.


I have a different arrangement. I can't dress in the house; she doesn't want to see it. My daughter still lives in the basement. I can't let her find out.

But, she does let me go out dressed (as long as I find someplace out of the house to dress). She even let me go to the Keystone Conference many times. After several trips there. she told me that she only allowed me to go the first time thinking that I "would get it out of my system". I guess that she should have done more research.

[Kris Burton]

Natalie - this happened to me as well, when my wife came home unexpectedly from what should have been a much longer shopping excursion. Like your wife, she was very calm, and over just a few hours led to more discussion and it turns out more acceptance and even some participation - makeup help, discussion of various outfits, participation in shoe selection etc. Our arrangement has changed, now more open.

- - - Updated - - -


My wife and I had an arrangement also. I could dress in the house only..

This is our arrangement now. She is not concerned about anyone else finding out, that's on me. She worries about my safety, and I understand. I will not press this issue, but perhaps as she warms to the idea it might change.Time is on my side.

[CharlotteCD]

I wish my wife would be this accepting. She knows I dress when she is out, and she assumes that is why I ask what time she will be home etc. She simply doesn't get crossdressing/transgender, and doesn't seem to have any interest in understanding it.

To her it's just like addiction, and I can just stop if I want to. Sure, I can, but what's the damage of that?

[BrittanyB]

Natalie, I think your wife is exhibiting a lack of information/knowledge concerning cross dressing. Frankly, how many wives go around asking their non-cross dressing husbands if they are gay? If ground rules have been established and adhered to by husband and wife, let it be. Stop the hounding. Frankly, any time I read or hear about any guy being a pervert (spying on girl locker rooms, etc) or molesting minor boys and girls, it seems it is the non-cross dressing pillar of the community; clergy, politician, Boy Scout leader, teacher/coach.

Natalie, I agree with Stephanie about your wife exhibiting a lack of knowledge concerning crossdressing. It's certainly understandable as many of us struggle with that, not just significant others. I recently stumbled on the Transvestia newsletter/magazine from the early 1960's. In the Jan, 1961 (Transvestia #7) copy starting on page 53 the editor published her "Virgin Views" which is an insightful view on the motivations of heterosexual crossdressers. It's the best I've found anywhere.

Whereas I might (very loosely) meet one of the 8 "conditioning" factors that she references as the current state of understanding in the medical community, I meet all 5 of "motivating" factors that Virginia proposes as a more complete "theory" on heterosexual crossdressing. It was an enlightening read, not perfect, but very helpful.

I am in a similar situation with my wife (i.e. her not understanding, not wanting to see, but willing to talk about it). I shared this article with her and I think she now has a much better understanding. I screen printed just the pages to the article to keep it focused. Anyway, I highly recommend all read it if you haven't before. Most of the issues are great treasures troves for us. I'm looking forward to reading all eventually. Here is the link (starts on page 53):

https://vault.library.uvic.ca/concern/generic_works/b57beb77-1513-48fd-b03b-b070517bd1fb?locale=en

[sara66]

My wife and I have a similar agreement. She doesn't want to see me dressed. She will call before she comes home, just so neither of us will be surpised.
Sara

[Mermaiden]

Put me in the group- wife knows, doesn?t want to see it and I keep hoping it will change. And I?m not gay.

[Stephanie47]

Brittany, thanks for the link. I book marked it to read in depth later. Maybe my wife will stumble upon it and read it. She has said nothing, nadda, nil, zip since the mid 1980's. I think one of the unfortunate outcomes to having a list of potential contributing factors is leads some to think therapy of some sort will "cure" a male. If I was inclined to create a list for anything, it would be a list of contributing factors that compelled me to be secretive, and as some GG's have stated; lie by omission.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Natalie,

It sounds like you and your wife handled the situation well. So nice you both can talk openly about it.

[Krisi]

If your wife knows that you dress as a woman, she should expect to see you dressed if she comes home unecpected and unannounced. Suggest to her that she call home before just dropping in.

As far as the "gay" thing, that's the first though that comes to most people's minds when they find out that someone is a crossdresser. It is rarely the case, most crossdressers are straight heterosexual males with no sexual interest in other men.

[Debbie Denier]

Hi Natalie, I had the same . Are you gay?stereotypical question when my wife became aware I CD. You cannot make your SO accept it if she does not want to . But it is what it is.You also cannot assume they understand. I still don?t fully understand. But it?s not covered under the wedding vows except maybe for better or for worse.

[Kitty Sue]

Interesting situation Natalie. I have not dressed around my wife at all. I think she would find it shocking. Although she has said I could.

[Natalie5004]

My wife and I have a similar agreement. She doesn't want to see me dressed. She will call before she comes home, just so neither of us will be surpised.
Sara

We have that also, but just a text message.

[kimdl93]

I do understand the inevitable gay question. No matter how many times its asked and answered, it seems to linger. I blame it on the persistence of ideas drilled into us from childhood. She may never be able to fully shake that notion, no matter how much she reads and how many denials she hears.

[BrittanyB]

Brittany, thanks for the link. I book marked it to read in depth later. Maybe my wife will stumble upon it and read it. She has said nothing, nadda, nil, zip since the mid 1980's. I think one of the unfortunate outcomes to having a list of potential contributing factors is leads some to think therapy of some sort will "cure" a male. If I was inclined to create a list for anything, it would be a list of contributing factors that compelled me to be secretive, and as some GG's have stated; lie by omission.

You're welcome Stephanie. Yes, lists can lead some to think a "cure" is imminent...just eliminate the items in the list. However, it can also be that by having 5 motivations listed and well-explained based on historical, social and cultural basis, the emotion tied to the spouse crossing the normal social boundaries can be lessened and (possibly...hopefully) some understanding can begin. I think these five have that "potential" at least:

1. The urge to self-adornment and the personality expression that goes with it.
2. The need to acquire virtue and to experience beauty, attractiveness, goodness and acceptability in one's own eyes and by the criteria commonly used in evaluating these qualities in others.
3. A love of and feeling for women that impels the male to want to join them and partake of that which he admires and reveres--identification if you will, but not on a sexual level as may be the case with some homosexuals.
4. An attempt to symbolically and temporarily find relief from the requirement of masculine aggressiveness in the socially permissible more passive feminine role.
5. Relief from the pressures of social expectancy and an opportunity to be "free" for the moment from the push and pull of one's ordinary life.

If the simple list does not resonate, I urge you to read the whole article as she elaborates upon each to good effect. This has been the most useful general explanation that I have found.

[Beverley Sims]

At least the communication lines are open and ready for an upgrade someday. :-)