Was it hard for you to admit it to yourself?

[Kimberly A.]

Hey y'all! :) I'm sure we can all remember when we first started crossdressing. I have posted before that the first time I ever went full-on CD, was quite a few years ago, back in 2004 or 2005, when I was in the Air Force and stationed in WA state. I didn't get a chance to do it again until years and years later..... Anyway, once I was finally able to fully embrace my feminine side and go out en femme, it took me a while to finally admit to myself, "Oh, my GOSH I'm a crossdresser!" LOL It's like, I couldn't believe that I have such a strong feminine side, especially being raised the way I was raised, with being told that "Boys don't wear girls' clothes". Also, after I was all dolled up, looked in the mirror and saw Kimberly and saw her in the photos, it took me a long time to stop thinking, "WOW! Is that really me? Am I really doing this?" LOL

So yeah, it took me I'd say quite a few months to really admit to myself that this is me, this is who and what I am, I'm a crossdresser and it was hard for me to finally admit it to myself, but now I LOVE it! :bs: I don't struggle with it, or with any sort of gender identity. Only when I'm out dressed as Kimberly, do I want to identify as female and be addressed with the female pronouns, but other than that, I'm plain old, drab me. LOL

So was it hard for any of you to finally admit it to yourself?

[VivianNewkirk]

I just commented over on the "when did you start" thread that I'm a late bloomer, being over 55 before I began crossdressing. I was somewhat surprised that I took to it so quickly and naturally. Not hard to accept, but rather "why didn't I ever try this sooner".

[Kris Burton]

Absolutely Kimberly! I had no crossdressing experiences as a child or even a teenager, and had just a few instances of crossdressing in my later years. I was in denial for most of my life that I even had a propensity to crossdress, even as I had an interest - I just buried it deep within. It was not until this past summer that I gave in at last, to my pleasure and psychological well being. I don't look back in regret, but rather forward with anticipation . It's a very good place to be!

[NjJamie]

Kimberly, I don't know how to answer the question but I'm certain I am!

I remember the first time I chose to put on some female clothing, a pair of pantyhose and black go-go boots, at about 13. From there it was a quick movement through stages but had gotten to full makeup and wig by the end of high school. Periods of off and on, getting caught by my mom and then joining the USAF (she was very upset, "what if they find out about your problem"). Once at my permanent station I did enjoy the freedom of having time and resources as well as a mailing address safe from others eyes. I was also newly married and there was some awesome participation, trips to malls, etc. As we had kids the participation fell off and is now a variety of DADT.

I typed all the above as at no time did I ever question it, but rather just accepted it as a part of who I am. Reading the other responses leads me to believe that they also had "it" in them and when it came to the surface it was eventually understood as a part of the person, one that doesn't seem to be something they can eliminate but hopefully controlled and enjoyed.

[nancy58]

Crossdressing really hit me when I was 46. My wife and daughter were out of town for a few days, and I indulged the "perverted little thing" that has nibbled at me from time to time since puberty while they were gone. What I believe is called "the pink fog" came on strong, and it was so I wanted to do. A short time later, I want to see the therapist/rabbi who had married us and helped us through some early bumps in the marriage -- but I was so ashamed of myself that I could barely get the words "I'm a crossdresser" out on the phone. I felt he would be understanding because he is gay himself, or I don't know if I'd have had the courage to admit it even to him. I came out to my wife that evening. Mercifully, she kept me. Even after I started regular therapy sessions, it was still about a year before I could accept that being a crossdresser doesn't make me a bad person and doesn't negate the many good things I've done in life. I have been a decent father and husband, and that's all that really matters to me.

[kimdl93]

After all this time (and it has been a very, very long time) I still struggle?

[Jenn A116]

For me, I always understood I was a crossdresser. Perhaps a better question would be when did you finally learn to accept yourself? In that case, I really can't identify a specific date/year. I just gradually over time realized that yes, that's what I am and I'm OK with it.

[Joanne108]

No the minute I learned the word 'cross dresser" I knew that I was a cross dresser.

[sometimes_miss]

For me, I had been crossdressing for many years, but it was in preparation for when god got around to making me into the girl I thought I was supposed to be. As I got into my early 20's, and sort of realized that was never going to happen, I tapered off until I stopped completely, understanding that I had to accept that it just was never going to happen, and I had better get used to being a man. So even though it didn't feel normal to me, I learned how to 'act' like a standard issue man. Worked well, it seemed no one had a clue that I wasn't. But it was all an act. Still, I felt that I managed okay. I started dating, and of course always kept up the act, so hopefully no one could ever tell. And it seemed the desire to wear girl's clothing had gone away.
Gone for 10 years. I got married; for the first three years, everything was fine. And then I lost my job. Had to take a lower, entry level job again, which only paid 1/3 of what I was previously making, while I went back to school to finish my degree. The stress of working, going to school, and trying to 'act' the part, was too much, and apparently the whole gender thing and crossdressing to placate it, came back with a vengeance. I started crossdressing again. Afraid to tell because I sort of knew my wife would be upset, I vowed to be the best husband I could be, hoping that she would tolerate what I knew was going to be a big disappointment to her. I went over it in my mind hundreds of times, always feeling that all the good about me would definitely outweigh the crossdressing thing.
NOPE.
Didn't work out that way. With her really not liking it, that additional stress just seemingly made the desire to dress even stronger, and that was when I had to face the fact that was what I was: A crossdresser. Didn't matter why, or how often, or that I hadn't done it in years; apparently, the desire never went away, it was just in sort of hibernation in the back of my mind. It wasn't exactly hard to admit; but it was a disappointment to me, too, because I had thought that either it was just a phase I went through when I was young, or I had outgrown it, or just 'beaten' it. But no, I was definitely a crossdresser. It was then, that I had to come to grips with the idea that my life would never be normal ever again. Over time, as I placed more and more ads online to see 'who was out there' in the dating world, and where to find a woman who was okay with it, and getting no responses, it gradually became clear that having a crossdressing SO just simply wasn't something many women were interested in.


Perhaps a better question would be when did you finally learn to accept yourself? .

It was then, that I sort of gave up. I accepted myself for who and what I am, I understood that I wasn't doing anything that harmed anyone, just something that was definitely going to interfere with ever getting married again; it sure looked like I was going to be alone forever.
But I couldn't stand that. It wasn't fair. I didn't do anything wrong. This was something that happened because of something someone ELSE did to me. It wasn't my fault.
That's when I accepted that I would have to do things that would very likely upset others; in particular, the women who I would date. For I refused to have to be alone for the rest of my life; I would continue to date, and carefully find out how each woman felt about men who crossdress and tread over the gender lines. To me, it was THEIR failing, not mine, to accept others who aren't perfect. After all, women constantly complain about men refusing to accept their not being perfect, so I feel perfectly entitled to let them down, for refusing to accept my perceived 'flaw'.
So when I discover that they can't accept me, well then, I can't accept them either.

[Geena75]

I started to reply, then realized it required more introspection and put my thought more in order before posting it.

For most of my life I regarded it as a fetish and a weakness. I would work to overcome it, then give in, then feel guilty. In 2013 I really gave in, shaved my legs, got a dress, hose, and shoes. I also discovered this site and for the first time thought that what I was doing was OK, that there were a lot of others doing it without being weirdo fanatics. I realized I was a cross dresser. Then I got scared. I got the distinct feeling that it was the first stage of a drastic path that pointed to transition. I was very unnerved when a newer member who I became somewhat close to let go of their marriage, and family and took the path of transition. Equally disquieting was the level of self loathing they felt, and it was driving them to transition. I purged and tried to avoid dressing, deciding that since it was so unlikely I would ever dress up 100%, I would never see what I would look like, so I dressed once in a great while, just succumbing out of boredom. Also, my dial up internet became so unreliable that it had to be abandoned.

Then, in 2017 I came onto the on-line app of the “What would you look like if you were a woman.” I dove in, taking photos dressed and photo-shopping the female version face onto my dressed body. This lasted about a year but became very time consuming with irregular results, and the fact that I had to take my laptop to a wifi source to go on-line. Then the app died off, and I just cross dressed for an occasional bit of fun.

In 2020 I got wifi internet in my home, and got to enjoy the site again. Likewise, I got to know more members who were more like my mindset. I also branched out, learning about some on-line cross-dressers and discovered that it wasn’t just a path to transition, or a lifestyle. Cross-dressing could just be for fun. That was when I accepted it in myself (mostly, anyway) and went forward. This ‘peculiar pastime’ is exciting, interesting, and fun for me. My main concern is if I can keep to my self imposed limits if they impede the fun, interest, and excitement.

[docrobbysherry]

At age 50 I struggled with the guilt and shame of suddenly dressing out of the blue and apparently turning gay in a complete vacuum! Finally, I looked online to see if there were others like me?

That's when I found cd.com and that I was trans. Then, after 2 years here I discovered I was neither a true trans or was gay. I was something called a crossdresser! And, in another 3 years I got over the shame with the help of u lovely folks here!:love:

[GaleWarning]

Like doc, I found it difficult to deal with the feelings of guilt. Crossdressing since the late 1950s at a time when there was no internet and lots of prejudice and ignorance, I made many mistakes and behaved badly, particularly towards my wife. As a result of this (and other issues, I must admit), we are divorced.

Finding cd.com back in 2008 was the catalyst which enabled me to finally realise what was going on. Over the last 14 or so years I have learned so much and modified my behaviour accordingly. The ignorance and guilt have disappeared. The prejudice has faded in many societal arenas. Unfortunately, my ex-wife refuses to learn. But K is on board!

I dress at home, underdress often when out and about. Life is generally good! I do my small bit for our community by challenging those on facebook and in other places whose attitude towards us is ignorant and prejudiced.

[Cheryl T]

Yes, it was hard and a long process for me to reach self-acceptance.
I began around age 6 and all that did was create guilt, shame and fear that others would discover me and my life would be over.
In my teens I feared it even more as dating became the "norm" and I tried to be active in all kinds of sports and things to be viewed as "normal".
In college it stayed that way as dating brought opportunities to try on a girlfriends things and I took other risks that could ruin everything.
Married I still had my stash. I would steal family time to be alone and dress and sometimes came to hate when that was not available, or hate myself when my time was over. The guilt and shame were still there. Then I was "discovered" and it all came to light. She didn't leave me but wanted nothing to do with it. I swore "never again" and went back in the closet. Then some years later I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed to accept myself and be me no matter the cost.
I told her all about it. We cried, talked and cried some more.
Eventually I found myself with a fully accepting, loving wife and fully accept myself.

It wasn't easy, it wasn't quick.
But it was worth it.

[Natalie5004]

I think I am 99% convinced that I love my look as Natalie and being her. So, am I convinced to live this life fully? No, I will not. But I do enjoy my time as Natalie. It is always special to me. She tends to over dress with all the hair, makeup and shoes.

I asked my wife for dangly earrings for Christmas. I do need a winter coat so I can get out during my time as Natalie. That is on me.

Natalie

[Ricky Rayne]

I have just came to terms with it about a year ago. I always had the urge to and would dabble a little here and there. But having custody of my son, and work kept me from being able to explore those urges. About a year ago I wore some panties and didn't put them away and my SO found them. Her full acceptance and encouragement has allowed me to explore and come to the realization that "I AM a crossdresser."

[marsha leanne]

Like Gale Warning, I too really struggled with the guilt of dressing. From early teens, i was trying stuff on, and then having over whelming guilt afterwords. and this was before any hint of sexual feelings. Those did not help the situation.

College did help a bit but very little, although not actively dressing, i would obsess over the whole idea. This left me very confused and guilty of "those" thoughts.
marriage brought a quietness, but only for a short while. After being discovered by a not so understanding wife, i continued to have huge guilt spells when ever I 'indulged', made worse after a divorce.
With the advent of the internet, i started to explore, first from the old aol lamda site and then others. The guilt continued but as I educated myself, the sessions became less intense.
It was here, that my education really took hold. From these pages, topics, and strings, that both my own education and self worth, and self acceptance came into focus and my feelings of peace became reality.

many, many of you have helped, as well as some that have moved on. it was only about 4 years ago, that i finally came to terms and peace with myself. i still dress, the sexual side have vanished, and the peace i now have is an amazing feeling. Add to that a wife, (not the same one) who while she does ot understand, gives me the space to indulge, has made a huge calmness within myself.

i am here daily, but log in every now and then. Thank you to this site, the moderators who keep it legit, and all of my sisters here. you have made me a thankful and peaceful person. My guilt is mostly gone, replaced with a comfort and quietness of my own uniquecness. thank you.

[Claire81]

I've been through periods of drought, binge, purge. Lots of denial. I just decided to stop fighting myself, and find ways to integrate this part of me instead of pushing it out.

[JustJennifer]

From the first time I dressed up in my teens, I believed the girl I saw in the mirror was who I was truly supposed to be. So from that aspect, no, it was not hard to admit to myself. What was difficult was the shame and the utter hopelessness of wishing to follow that dream. Eventually those feelings won out, and I purged everything and quit for decades.

Since coming back to it in recent years, I certainly don't feel the shame I did then. Having online communities like this one have helped me feel less alone, and less weird about it.

[Debbie Denier]

I still struggle to this day after many years . The guilt , shame and subsequent purging.I have come to terms with it to a certain extent. I know it will never leave me.

[NjJamie]

Claire, I think the majority of us don't have a choice as to this activity. Even if we do not do it, it seems that the desire will return some time down the road.

[Debs]

never a thought in my head that I was a guy in a skirt, I put a skirt and top on, I was a woman, simples, no it isnt, spent many years stuttering about trying, but have now got it right, I can dress and say about 80% pass, maybe more, there goes my head again, but never ever did I have to admit to myself I wasnt a girl, I can go shopping, nights out, whoohoo, but lost partners because of it, and friends, but as you know you cant stop it, so what do you have to admit to yourself ?, if its in your DNA, you just have to go with the flow and enjoy, you never feel you have a choice ?, its just you, its easier now in the world, LGBT etc , is accepted. wasnt for a long time. Dress and be happy girls

[CeCe]

Thanks for asking this curious question, Kimberly. I was in my early 30s when I had a few adventures with lingerie, which quickly escalated to wearing blouses and skirts behind closed curtains. I decided I did not want this confusion in my life and purged. Time passed and every few years I would wear feminine underwear for a few days and completely purge again. It is only in the past five years or so that I have accepted myself as a crossdresser. I am in my 60s. I am still mostly an occasional and closeted underdresser, but no longer attach shame or denial after my crossdressing flings. Now that I no longer purge, I have dedicated an entire dresser to my feminine clothing.

[Stephanie47]

I'm a child of the 1950's and 1960's. I wrestled with self loathing, self hatred and other negative feelings. Society deemed any man who wore women's clothing to be gay although the terms were derogatory. Gay still meant happy. I use to wear my mother's clothing until I outgrew them. There was a time when I had zero thoughts of wearing women's attire. I was totally conflicted. Was I gay? I lusted over unobtainable female starlets and alluring girls on the block. No such thoughts about men. I even searched my soul before I proposed to my wife of fifty years. Did those forays into my mother wardrobe really mean I was gay?

As I related several times on the forum my wife found me one night drinking a glass of water in the kitchen wearing a nightgown I had bought her. She asked why? I said I loved the feel of the nylon against my body. We ended up incorporating lingerie and then hosiery for me into bedroom play. It was about 1983 when our three year old daughter yanked a vivid red Vanity Fair bra from a box in the bottom draw of my armoire. "The Talk" ensued. Enter a life of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." In the end she said it was alright for me to join a support group. I looked. None was around. I did call and talked to a female therapist one evening, but, it was just me dialing up a woman listed in the phone book. (Remember phone books?) It was not any formal counseling. I tried badgering or pushing my wife to accept some degree of cross dressing, but, she totally shutdown. "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" End of story. In the end I realized this was bordering on spousal abuse. I ended up doing a lot of self examination and finally came to the conclusion there is nothing wrong with me, but I still had to somehow negotiate society's norms. Shit rolls downhill.

I've used the analogy of a balance or scale of life. One one side is the cross dressing. One the other side is the norms and expectations of a man, father and husband. That side totally outweighs the other. Society called upon me to engage in activities that not too many other men have had to do that also has lead to mental conflicts. If society wanted me to those things, don't bother me about wearing women's clothing on occasion. Stuff it.

[LelaK]

No the minute I learned the word 'cross dresser" I knew that I was a cross dresser.

That's really cute.

I didn't hear of a word for crossdressing until years after I started doing it.

[Kelli_cd]

I don't know if I'll ever be more than an underdressed. Having accepted that part of me, I'm much more patient.
Dressing more than that intrigues me, but until I lose my belly fat I look somewhat pregnant in the few clothes I've ever tried on.

[Brooke B]

It wasn't until my mid 30's that I finally accepted that fact. I accepted it on my own level at first, but when my SO found out, I started some counseling. It was at that point when it really took off. I can't even imagine that I would be where I'm at now if I hadn't spoke out about it.

[Lacey New]

- - - Updated - - -

Stephanie47,
I enjoyed reading your answer. I grew up in the same era as you did and share some of the same experiences and feelings about cross dressing. It has been a challenge to balance cross dressing with other expectations. I must say, that for me, being able to communicate with others, like you who have had to balance both sides has given me some peace inasmuch as I no longer view myself as being accused of being gay or that I am necessarily some kind of pervert. I guess we are both just plain old normal cross dressers.

[gwencd158]

After my second purge. Purged at marriage, and the birth of my first child. After that, I realized it would never go away.

[Jessica Secret]

In my teens yes but by my 20s it felt natural for me by that point and especially having a boyfriend by then I felt so fem and girly that I was completely comfortable with it and loved it, and like anything else in life if you love it it doesn't need an explanation - it just felt natural, thrilling, and was who I was.

[TheHiddenMe]

I was lucky. I knew I wanted to try on dresses when I was young (6 or 7) but when I got to my teens I figured out that I was a CD and I was OK with that, and almost 50 years later, I'm still OK with it.

[BTWimRobin]

Deep down, I always knew I was a CDer. But to admit it and accept it was very difficult.

[HollyGreene]

I tried cross-dressing as a young child. At the time I hadn't ever heard a term for it, but I immediately knew that I enjoyed it.
I would take the short opportunities to wear my sister's clothes when I could. Usually for just minutes at a time. It wasn't until a couple of years later until I heard the term transvestite, and I immediately knew that's what I was.
However, I overheard it in the context of gossip between my mother and a friend, talking about another friend who had caught her husband dressed in her clothes.
The tone of the conversation was that it was a shocking, terrible thing, so it instilled a sense of guilt in me. (It didn't stop me though!).
It wasn't until I was about 14 that I realised that's who I was, that it wasn't something I could change, and I started to lose the guilt.
It was still kept a dark secret until I was about 20 when I told my girlfriend of the time. She accepted it. Thought it was strange, but realised that it was totally harmless and could see it made me happy.
(Pity that relationship didn't last)

[MarinaTwelve200]

Fortunately, I was a "Book reading" kid, and when I started to CD, of course It bothered and confused me. But instead of suffering quietly or consult equally ignorant peers or "listen to what the other kids say", I looked it up in books, found out I was not gay and had a condition then called "Transvestism" or "Cross-Dressing". Sources were a bit vague then on what caused it, but at least my fears were allayed, and it was common enough to have a term associated with it.

[SaraLin]

Well, I've always been willing to admit it, but I've always struggled to figure out just what it is.

Crossdresser? No quite. It's not so much about the clothes themselves. They are just a way to express what I feel inside... a relief valve if you will.

Transgender? Um, again not quite. While I would love to be able to transition, it's not a NEED - and with the body I've got, I'd never achieve my goals anyway.

Non-binary? Maybe, but one thing I know for sure is that (for me!) I don't want is to get the "is that a man or a woman" reaction - or even worse "OMG that's a man in a dress" or "hey look - a tranny!" Whichever gender I'm presenting as, I want to be seen as that gender without anyone questioning it. So maybe a new term - bi-binary?

I know, I know - labels, who needs them? Ah but without words to describe ourselves and our situations, how can we?


NOW - as to accepting myself - that's a whole 'nuther story.
I still struggle with that.

[Linda K.]

I have always liked to wear women's clothes but never considered myself a crossdresser until recently. In the middle of my second divorce, neither had anything to do with dressing, I decided to buy my own outfits that fit me and I can dress when I can. I do have a roommate that may suspect I do. I started buying my own clothes just last year and really had no clue where I wanted to go with this. I then found this site, with all it's wonderful people, and knew this is what I wanted to do. I have a long way to go as I am still learning many things. I do know how comfortable and natural I feel while I am en femme and I don't think this will ever subside or be suppressed again.

[Jolene G]

I don't think it will fully hit me until I totally dress with clothes, makeup and a wig. So far I have just been dressing up.

[Wendy-Lyn]

I came to terms and accepted my crossdressing many years ago, and thought that would be it although I remained closeted.
But now I find myself having to come to terms with the fact that it has gone beyond 'just crossdressing, and that I no longer wish to be hiding away all the time.
This is going to prove to be both interesting, and a challenge.

[Heather76]

Aside from some isolated incidents as a youth trying on my mom's bras and later as an adult trying on my wife's panty hose, I never did any cross dressing until age 74. I have discovered I love wearing lingerie of all sorts. panties, stockings, bras, bralettes, and nighties are all fair game for me. I have had 3 dresses I purchased on-line as well as a petticoat. The dresses were all just about the right size but tight enough they gave a little at the seams. I tossed the dresses. I would like to buy a couple more but would prefer to wait until I'm ready to go into a store and use a fitting room. I'm not there yet.

Anyway, to answer the original question, it hasn't been at all hard to admit to myself that I love cross dressing. I knew from the moment I ANTICIPATED putting on my first pair of panties that I was in love with it. What would be extremely difficult would be to let anyone other than my wife know. If my wife were to pass before me, I suspect I'd let my children (currently ages 51 and 48) know so they wouldn't be flabbergasted to find their pop dead while wearing his girly wardrobe.

[alwayshave]

I know that at some level I knew I was a crossdresser my whole life as I started dressing when I was 4/5 years old. That being said I was in my mid thirties when I fully accepted who I am.

[KymG]

I dont think i have admitted it to myself.

[Emleeboy]

It hasnt been hard to admit it to myself that I?m a crossdresser but to others is another story.. i have only told my SO that I have this overwhelming feminine side that dressing up is my only outlet to express it. She has been supportive with the under dressing at times and the occasional time when I wear something fem for bedtime. ?crossdressing? hasnt been a term discussed directly. So although I am a crossdresser, it continues to be a topic that I carry some guilt and shame around that makes it hard to express it to others

[Brenda Freeman]

I new from a early age that I liked women's clothes and I was afraid someone might find out. It wasn't until I turned 50 that I finally tried on a complete outfit with wig and make up that I new I was a cross dresser and I liked it a lot. So I guess 50 I admitted, accepted it and now embrace it. I often wonder why it took so long as it is a normal part of me now. I think it was that afraid thing, I am glad things have improved in the acceptance department though society still has a long way to go. I think it took getting older to stop worrying what others think or preach and enjoy myself for who I am!

[Emleeboy]

It has been a long road to accepting myself and i still find it hard to put the crossdresser label on it?. My SO asked me not long ago if that was the case and although I knew the answer was yes, i could only bring myself to say that I?m curious and enjoyed the feminine expression that nylons, panties, bras and high heels give me

[Arindam]

Well, I've always been willing to admit it, but I've always struggled to figure out just what it is. ....I still struggle with that.

Well put.

I had a "problem" most posting didn't/don't. Very young, I "knew" I was gay, which was NOT a good thing to be in the 50's/60's. When I was mid-40, married and raising kids, I decided I had had enough of pretending to be straight and did the coming-out thing with disastrous results. Oh, well.

Once that had settled down, also --ironically-- did the need to identify who I was with a tiny portion of who I was. Also, there's a huge diff between recognizing that whom I could respond to sexually and the needing to act on that self-awareness. Also, I was tired of the hassles of dating, never mind working 84-hour weeks and actually liking that life-style. (When the project finished, I was cut loose for as much as a couple months. That's when I did my camping and fishing and "normal" living.)

After I retired from the waterfront, I switched over to trading for my own account. More long hours. Now I was living on New York time, as West coast traders have to, and going to sleep early enough that "dating" would be problematic, never mind that --once again-- I didn't want the hassles of another person in my life. Recently, though, with the idiot Fed having destroyed the bond market and any semblance of genuine price discovery in the equity markets, and with the commodities markets being more manipulated than ever, and with me finally realizing I was probably going to run out of life before I ever ran out of money, the opportunity fell into my lap to turn again inward and to ask "Who am I?" and "What do I want?" If truth be told, I've always wanted boobs. My choices were to grow 'em, or to buy 'em. The latter path made more sense, and the cross-dressing --which I had explored briefly and furtively as a kid-- now made sense.

If there's any guilt or conflict for me about embracing cross-dressing, it would come from seeming to be inconsistent with the Eight-Fold path. OTOH, Buddhism is a pretty tolerant, pretty flexible philosophy/religion. I guess I'll find out in my next incarnation.

Arindam

[Leslie Mary S]

As military Officers BRAT for 18 years, then as an Air Force NCO for 20 years, and then as a DoD - Army Civil Servant for 23 years. I rarely had a chance to think about it even there were occasions were I got to do it. Back in 1965 I tried on my first wig, (got a photo of me in it). Wife said 'NO!' when I asked about buying it. 'end of sublet!'. money was better spent on food for our family of 5 on an E-4's pay. As life progressed through time I did get to dress in some skits as a woman Square Dancer.
in 2000 my world crumbled. I was an empty nester and now a widower. I puttered around a bit, tried marriage again (divorced her), tried the seniors dating scene. Then started my photo studio and met my main model and her friend. They reintroduced me to cross dressing in 2006.
Wham! They opened Pandora's box.
Since them I have slowly spead up to where I am now. I did hit some rough roads (still on one) but am now discussing it about going more toward 24/7 but no drugs or operations. I am not that way. I still like a lot of the male things in my life, including woman. Presently I am alone. The last GG I had died in Dec 2021. Just me, my cameras, art, writing, and computer. Thinking of trying so more traveling this spring. I still on a limited budget.
So as you see there are a lot of us late bloomers hiding out there in our closets and in plane sight, looking for the right kind of friends. People who understand and accept us for who we are.

[Wendy-Lyn]

Leslie,, you could almost have been writing about me in your last two paragraphs. I am also a late-bloomer who crossdressed on and off for years, and I am also alone in life. I've finally come to realise and accept that I'm transgender to a degree, and I've decided I'm just going to go with it. I would present as a woman full-time, but that isn't practical. And like you, I still love women so I don't want (and couldn't afford) surgery 'down there' - although I wouldn't mind getting breast implants.

[CynthiaD]

Yes it took a long time. I was fully dressing in my teens, and bitterly ashamed of it. I went into denial for years forcing all crossdressing thoughts out of my mind — unsuccessfully. Then, in my late 50’s, I accepted it. I don’t know what tie trigger was, but I had found cd.com and that was certainly part of it. After I accepted myself, I’d wake up in the middle of the night crying tears of joy. The frustration and shame were gone. I didn’t have to pretend to be male anymore. I could cry at sad movies. I could wear nail polish and lipstick and pretty clothes. I didn’t have to avoid my naturally feminine mannerisms. I was finally free. I’m sitting here now in a sexy dress, breastforms and long blonde wig. And I’m happy as a clam.

[DianeT]

Hi Kimberly, I started around 11 and at that age I knew it was wrong to dress as a girl even if no written rules were mentioning that, and wrong to steal my mother's clothes. So I feared to be caught. But on the other hand I never felt ashamed of it. As much as I felt that people would frown over it, I didn't see the dressing as something wrong in essence, or immoral. It was just another experience. And since I was hooked from the very first time I did it, I never questioned the fact that I would probably never stop, and I knew it was a part of me, even if I didn't know how to name what I was doing.
So it wasn't hard to admit it, I actually never had to "admit" it. It just became one of my proclivities, like many other creative hobbies I had (and still have). I have to immerse myself in my female clothes once in a while, like I need to wander in other worlds of my own making, built with my short stories, my music, and a few other solitary things that make me feel well and soothed. I don't have to admit what I am because to speak the truth I am not a crossdresser, not a transgender, or anything I need to name. I'm just curious me, trying things and living experiences, in a fleeting moment where the rest of the world recedes in the background and I feel calm and content.

[DanielleCD]

It was quite a struggle when I was a teenager. The why does this feel so good.. so right.. I thought there was something wrong with me. Took many years and a therapist to get me over the hurdle, that I am a CrossDresser. That it's okay. And damn if feels so good when I have forms and a bra on. When I'm wearing stockings and a dress.

[Raychel]

When I was younger there was a lot is shame and denial going on in my head. After many years have past. I have told most of my friends and family. I have grown to accept that this is part of who I am.
And when I get a chance to dress. I embrace it to the fullest.
Sometimes when I am traveling I have to push Raychel into the background.those times can be tough. But I get thru it. And enjoy my time at home. When I get there

So yes. It took me some 40 years to accept myself and can now enjoy it

[Crissy 107]

It took me a long time to accept I am a crossdresser. I enjoyed it when I was young but the shame and guilt that came with it back then was terrible. This led to me purging several times, now at least I know to never do that foolish thing again.
I successfully suppressed it for years, or so I thought, until it came back very strong about 8 years ago. I finally accepted it and am at peace and happy with it being in my life.

[Fiona_44]

Been crossdressing since my early teens but it wasn't until I was in my 40's that I realized it was a natural expression of who I wanted to be.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Of course it is "disturbing" when you first start. Fortunately, I was a curious kid and researched in books and encyclopedias. I didn't trust the uninformed opinions of adults or equally ignorant peers. Once I discovered that I was not trans or Gay, I felt a LOT better.---But my research started a more or less lifelong personal research into why I am doing what I am doing, and it has given me more insight into myself and others.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Kimberly, what you've described is absolutely normal for any crossdresser. I myself struggled with self-acceptance for many years, from the time I was twelve or thirteen until I was getting on toward thirty.

I was luckier than some in certain respects. I didn't get the same message hammered in the way some of us did, that "you must be gay" (and "repugnant to the society of the time") to dress in women's clothes, and I knew I wasn't gay anyway, since I was so much into girls and had so many crushes on girls as a teen. My refuge was the realization, gained from books, that I was apparently a "fetishist." But that still made me "weird," a "pervert" who might be regarded with horror by people at large. So it took me a long time to fully accept who I was--and that it was OK to be that way. We are, after all, a small minority that the large majority of people do not properly understand. And we're different from one another as well!--which complicates matters further.

In my case, though I am not "transgender," I recognize now that I have two parts to my personality--one male, one female--though I prefer to see them as separate, while accepting both. For instance, I acknowledge that I've enjoyed and felt comfortable with the company and conversation of women rather more than that of men. That was OK, but the crossdressing part--well, I guess the first "red flag" I bumped into was a girlfriend I briefly lived with in my twenties, who from numerous clues I realized would never have accepted the "feminine part" of me. Although we had regular sex, I couldn't resist being into her bras and panties, skirts and dresses anyway, any time she was gone. That taught me a lesson. This "thing" was never going to go away. After that, I confessed to another, more accepting girlfriend. That is a crucial step in self-acceptance: seek out the acceptance of others! It can take time and searching, but it works. Take care!

[Christina89]

I started around the age of 12 or 13. I never thought that there were other crossdressers out there. For the first few years I thought I was a freak. It wasn't until I found this site I realized I wasn't a freak. But it still took longer for me to accept this was me. I was probably in my mid 20s when I fully accepted Christina as being a part of me.

[Lacey New]

To Marina twelve 200, I enjoyed your most recent post on this subject and, like you, I am not gay nor do I consider myself transgender. I am simply a heterosexual male who enjoys dressing up. But I was particularly interested in your last sentence where you have spent time researching why you are a cross dresser. Well me too and the internet has been helpful. But guess what, I still don?t know why we do what we do and other men don?t. But I?m still searching. I?m sure many of us are.

[ziggie]

I'm sure that many posters are well read on the subject but, if you want a clear, recent, and seemingly accurate article on cross dressing, Psychology Today recently published this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/transvestic-disorder

While the title names transvestic disorder, the article notes that cross dressing is nota disorder.

[julia.bowie]

transvestic disorder is the clinical term used for someone who has a serious problem when it comes to crossdressing and the use of the "opposite sex's" clothing for sexual arousal. Consider when a woman dons herself in sexy underwear to arouse both herself and her partner - there is nothing wrong with that. Similarly, crossdressing men can be sexually aroused from wearing women's clothing and it can be a healthy thing. But like all things it can become unhealthy and for such cases flagged as transvestic disorder. A related term is autogynephilia.

[britskye]

This is an interesting question. I'd never really considered myself a crossdresser until more recently. While I did play dressup to an extent with my mom's clothes as a pre-teen, the feeling largely subsided until the last year or so. I started wearing nightgowns to bed about 6 months ago and had a very frank discussion with my wife when I realized that yes, I am a closeted crossdresser.

[Beverley Sims]

For me no. I grew up all my life doing the girl thing with lots of help from others.

Harder being a boy now.

[JulieC]

For me, it took a lot of years to finally admit it and come to terms with it as being me. I've the usual story; raided my mom's closet first for pantyhose, then moving on to other things. I was entranced. I yearned for the day I could buy my own stuff. Fast forward to age 23. I'd been through a few purges, lots of self loathing, insecurity, desperation to keep a secret, etc. All the usual stuff I think for most people. I've been dating a wonderful woman for a couple of years at this point. I hadn't worn anything feminine for 2+ years, and I had nothing of my own, having purged when she and I got serious. She expresses a desire to see me in pantyhose. Why, I don't know. Decades on, I still know her (though I married someone else) and she doesn't even remember that.

So, I go out and get some pantyhose, come home, and then put them on in preparation for going over to her place. My mind just about exploded. It was a mind bending experience, such an incredible rush inside my soul to finally be crossdressing again. I realized then that it was something that was me, wasn't going to go away anymore than my eye color would, and that I would need to come to grips with being a crossdresser. Decades on, and I still struggle with it. But, I do accept it as being me, and my wife does as well. I'm a work in progress.

[Rockster363]

This is my big fear about cross-dressing, I can see how it could become a compulsive behavior very quickly. Great write-up.