Perplexed on whether to tell children

[jennifer1958]

I have been dressing for better than forty years. Wife knows and accepts. My two grown children do not know and would likely not be very accepting. But a thought does go through my mind, what if after I die they learned that I dressed. It seems like it would create an uncomfortable feeling for them; did I really know my Dad? What else did I not know about him? And they could never find closure or discuss with me. What are your thoughts?

Jennifer

[MarinaTwelve200]

I never felt a NEED to tell ANYBODY.---Unless they needed to know. But then again, you might never know. Looking back, I have reason to believe my OWN FATHER may have , at the very least, had a tendency towards CDing. Who knows, it might run in families. One of your ADULT kids might be hiding it in himself.

[GretchenM]

That certainly is a concern any time there is a deep secret. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer no matter what the secret is. Secrets are, in some ways, deceptions. I think the most important step is to realize you do have a right to be yourself and the fact that your wife knows and accepts this behavior in you is a big plus. First of all I think you should discuss this issue with your wife and get a readout on what she thinks. Perhaps you are also not giving your kids enough credit. I have told my kids and other close relatives that I thought knew nothing and they admitted to recognizing there was some gender issues I was having and it was no big deal to find out. But I do agree that you need to reveal this in some way to your kids. But as your kids are both yours and your wife's the solution should be found jointly and not just by you.

[Sandi Beech]

Hmm, just thinking. If you tell them now, would they not ask the same question- do I really know my dad? If it were me the main factors would be:

1. What is the likelihood they will run into you dressed? If they live far away maybe that risk is low.

2. Only you know their personality. If you think acceptance probability is low, that alone would be a showstopper if it were me.

Try not to mix up your need to tell all , with their confusion about you after you are gone. They can not say things that will hurt you once you leave the Earth.

Sandi

PS
Gretchen always has a good take on these things.

[Vale]

Jennifer, I think you are on the right track to view this from the perspective of what is best for your grown children. One thought for you, if you raised these children, your feminine leanings may have been apparent to them in other aspects of your behavior? If you begin to show increasing appreciation for feminine clothing that need not be shockingly out of context for them. .. .. vale

[Laura912]

What were your wife’s thoughts when you asked her opinion about this?

[Pumped]

I just went through this myself. What is to gained by telling them? What are the down sides of telling them?

When you die and they find your stuff, what difference does it make? For when that time comes, leave a letter in an obvious place with your stuff explaining the situation the best you can.

I decided there was no reason for my daughter to know. My wife wanted to talk to her about transgender issues, but the dressing doesn't need to come up to discuss it.

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?275941-What-to-do-!&highlight=

[Debbie Denier]

I agree with Marina regarding the need to know. Your children will have a perception of you as a father that may be ruined by knowing. Nobody is perfect , you are not hurting anyone. Knowing could change your relationship forever . My daughters reaction to Caitlin Jenner coming out convinced me .

[Kris Burton]

Interesting question. I have two grown adult sons, both in their thirties. At present, there is no need for either of them to know. It is my personal business and really is of no concern to them, just as surely as their proclivities are of any business of mine - they are adults, and I love them both. Whatever I might "find out" about them at any point would not change that. I would hope they feel the same, and I believe they would. My penchant for crossdressing does not change who I am or how I feel toward them, any more than a personal "secret" of theirs would change how I feel about them. To be very frank, nothing would surprise me!

Still, they don't need to know now, so I'm making no deliberate reveals. One son lives far enough away so I always know when he might drop by. One lives fairly close, and on rare occasion does drop by unannounced. It is possible he could get a big surprise one day. So maybe I should be ready with a big reveal statement. What I said above holds though, whether I am alive or deceased.

[Cheryl T]

If you feel they would not be accepting then I wouldn't tell them.
If something happens then I would hope your wife will take the necessary steps to prevent them from learning about it. If you both are gone then it is what it is. They can either accept or not and it will be out of your hands.

[Karren H]

Unless you are coming out to everyone, then do not tell them. A higher probability that at least one if not both will take it poorly and ruin the relationship you have with them and you grandchildren going forward. IMHO As far as after you are gone, maybe a letter to them explaiNing everything and a few photos to be opened upon your demise? That way they would not be blindsided when they come clean out your stuff.

PS: We found a red babydoll nightie in my dads closed after he passed and I have always wondered.

[Angela Marie]

My children would definitely not be accepting so there is no purpose in telling them. I have a great relationship with my children and grandchildren. Telling them, knowing what the reaction would be, strikes me as somewhat selfish and/ or narcissistic.

[tifftg]

My children do not know, however my wife does. This thread has me thinking about adding a letter of thoughts and insights placed at the bottom of my storage containers should I go suddenly.

[countrygirl]

To those that have told their families. Have anyone discovered their sons also was a crossdresser?

[docrobbysherry]

I concur with Pumped and Karren. Do NOT tell them unless u plan for them to see Jennifer in person!:daydreaming:

Leave a letter, NOT photos, with your wife. With instructions NOT to pass it to them unless they have questions that she can't answer!:thumbsdn:

If she passes 1st? Give the letter to your attorney who handles your estate.

I told both my adult daughters. One approved the other didn't. Neither one wishes to see Sherry's pics!:sad:

[Geena75]

I agree with the common opinion: unless you plan for them to meet Jennifer, no need for them to know. For the ultimate down the road thought -- if you pass first, your spouse would handle the evidence of your feminine side as she sees fit. If she passes first, have the letter of explanation as necessary.

If you are concerned that they will think less of you when they find out, telling them know will just give them a head start on thinking it.

[Kitty Sue]

Agree with what others have said. I don't see any point in children knowing without good solid reasons. If I was to say anything I would definitely get input from my partner.

[Lana Mae]

My wife passed first! Living with my daughter necessitated coming out to her! She was accepting! As loose lips sink ships, I came out to my son as well! He also was accepting! Both said, what ever makes you happy! I came out as a transwoman not a CD! Only you know your children and only you AND your wife can make that decision! Best wishes! Hugs Lana Mae

[alwayshave]

Jennifer, I really have no relationship with my children due to a vindictive ex-wife. However, even if I was speaking with them, I would not tell them. There is really no reason for them to know.

[Stephanie47]

I have not and I see no reason to tell me son and daughter. If I pass away first my wife can clean out my wardrobe. If my wife passes away first, then I'll have to think about it. If my wife and I pass away together, then ????????????????????????

[kimdl93]

My children know because my ex told them. However we really do not talk about it and I suppose when I die that will literally put the matter to rest.

[Genifer Teal]

Can't imagine it would be easy telling them as adults. Have you considered they already know?

[Debra Russell]

Whoever knows or finds out while I am alive is fine who ever finds out about my other persona when I die - what difference does it make in the larger scheme of things, it is whar it was .............................Debra

[Rachelakld]

I would believe it depends on your relationship.

I have what is probably a too honest relationship (except my medical / heart issues as I don't want to scare them - okay I've been hauled over the coals about that and have been told to be honest about my health as well now)
I have daughters, and for me it just makes me one of the girls and I relate to them better and they are more open about issues.
If I had a son, I would encourage them to be the best version on themselves, even if it did mean slipping on a dress, being gay or whatever.

[Krisi]

My standard answere is, don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know. That applies here as well. If your children have keys to the house and tend to pop in at random times, they probably need to know. If they live far away and don't have keys, they probably don't need to know.

I don't see why they would find out about your dressing after you die unless your wife tell them.

I would suggest that you not tell them.

[April Rose]

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."- Maya Angelou

I'm going to look at this from a different perspective. But first; you raised these children and you know them better than anyone on here. Did you raise them to be open minded and accepting of difference? Sometimes when the chickens come home to roost, it's a good thing. You get eggs the next day. Sometimes, not so much. A lot depends on how you fed them.

This isn't really about whether they are comfortable or not. This is about you, and rightfully so. What do you want them to know about you? Are you ashamed of being a cross dresser? Do you want to explain yourself on your own terms? You have spent 40 years of your life living with this; are you sure you want it buried with you? Or would you rather leave behind you the knowledge that "this is who I was, quirks and all. This is my story."

I am not going to tell you to tell them now or not, or to leave a letter or not, and certainly, you should discuss it with your wife. But I urge you to understand that this is about you, your right to be who you are, and how you want your loose ends tied up and your story to be told. The universe, and your children can accommodate that.

[abby054]

From my military security training, we were taught never to reveal sensitive information unless the recipient has a need to know and an appropriate security clearance.

Obviously, do not tell them if they cannot be trusted with the information.

If they can be trusted, do they really have a need to know? Our children rarely have a need to know things like this. Or do you just have a need to tell? There are better ways to deal with that need to tell than to involve anyone who lacks a serious need to know. For example, this forum, a secured text file, or even talking to a simple mirror.