Trans with a wife?

[DaniellaUK]

Is this possible?

I typed and deleted a lot more. I know I am, I have always known I am, I think My wife knows I am. But I could not live without her and this fear stops me from being who I truly am.

Does that even make sense?

[Jeri Ann]

Makes perfect sense.

[CharlotteCD]

I am trans. I always have been, ever since I was 3-4 years old, but only accepted it in the last couple of years.

I am now married however, with a child. My wife is aware, but doesn't understand. This means I have to stay in the closet for the rest of our lives together.

Overall it's worth it, and I have been making peace of it.

[Katya@]

I'm married to a cis-gender, straight woman whom I know for more than 2 decades. We have two school age daughters. Have been medically transitioning for 4+ years (hormones), and will have FFS this year. I have completely transitioned socially last year.
I won't lie, she was/is struggling to extent with that but benefits to stay together outweigh those being separated. We love each other and are doing therapy together with one goal in mind - to make it work long term. I try to be extremely supportive to the needs of my family except still taking steps required to live authentically.
It is not easy, but not 100% doom and gloom.

[Debbie Denier]

Fear is the key. I have been married for nearly 30 years. I intend to leave things as they are now. Something I considered nearly 40 years ago.Decided against it then.But often wonder what if?

[Aunt Kelly]

If you can manage to live without transition, do it.

[Nadine Spirit]

Is it possible to be transgender and have a wife? Yes, that is possible.

Is it possible to transition and stay married? Yes, that is also possible.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I know several trans with wife. Five couples were already married when their "husband" transitioned. One "husband" divorced his unaccepting wife and shortly thereafter married a CD-amorous woman. Another GG labels herself pansexual. She married a CD-to-trans AMAB. As far as transitioned, all of the AMAB have at least socially transitioned and are full time girls. I don't know what kind of surgery they might have had to go along with their transition.

These are couples who come to mind right off the top of my head.

I also know a lot of married CDs. But, for all the "husbands" above, they were all "just a CD" when I first met them.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

I got to the point where I could not live without transitioning. Came out to wife in the summer of 2020, 19 years married at that point, and she too has had some struggles with it, but we're still together and I am way happier than I was closeted and miserable.

[Dorit]

I started to want to dress as a girl at 4 years old. I told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl at 19 years old. Just another line in my mental illness file back then. I then met my wife, 10 years older than me. She saved my life. We were in the closet together. When psychiatry and medicine finally understood people like us I went full time and complete medical transition at 70 years old. She was totally in favor. So 52 years and six children later we are still together!:)

[IamWren]

Is being trans (i assume you mean trans woman) with a wife possible.
Sure it is. I follow a number of trans women on Instagram who were married before transition and their marriage survived coming out and transitioning.

I’m one of those as well. Well, I’m an enby but transitioning from male to female.

However, with that being said, I don’t know of any data that shows a definitive answer. But I just can’t help but think that the marriages that do survive are a much smaller number than those that don’t.

I mean, most women do not identify as lesbian or bisexual so even if a wife can understand and support the idea that her spouse now identifies as a gender different from that which they were assigned, there is the added hurdle of dealing with being seen as a lesbian when the non-trans spouse doesn’t identify that way.

Have you found a gender therapist who can help you navigate this and other issues? If you haven't, I think it would be good to get the input of a trained professional.

[Sarah Doepner]

I put off even considering transition until well after my wife passed away. She supported me as a mostly closeted crossdresser but that was her limit. She must have almost convinced me that was my limit as well because I didn't seek counseling until 4 years after she passed away. I don't regret the delay, my time with her was meaningful and complete. But I know if she had been supportive of me transitioning, I would have started then instead of just a few years ago.

But I'm just one story and I personally know four couples who have weathered the storm and were successful in keeping the relationship solid following transition. There are also several friends on Facebook who have great relationships that have thrived following a MTF transition. While there are many who see their marriage end, I've also seen several relationships that only happen following divorce and transition. That tells me there are a lot of factors that go well beyond gender and gender changes. So knowing you can be successful should be balanced by the understanding that there could be disaster as well.

Best of luck moving forward on all fronts.

[Katya@]

That tells me there are a lot of factors that go well beyond gender and gender changes.

This is so true. I've seen number of life events that test the strength of the marriage. When I was young, I have seen lots of marriages fell apart of couples who have recently immigrated. They came to a new country, thinking their marriage is strong, only to see it crumbles when subjected to a lot of hardship that comes with immigration. Yes, as an observer, you can say that making a decision to immigrate may end your marriage. In reality, it is just many couples didn't have what it takes to plow through a rough time together and support each other.

I've seen other examples of couples separating when they got subjected to some other difficult situations outside of their control.

I did mention at the bottom of this thread that my marriage survived so far the transition. However, I haven't mentioned it here that before starting the transition, we as a couple went through a different couples therapy to resolve all the issues we had not related a bit to my gender identity. My marriage almost crumbled in the middle of the therapy, and hit absolute bottom, but we climbed from that dark place and became a much stronger couple, stronger we have even been. Yes, the transition has added a significant burden but it happened at the time, where we truly have each other back, love and respect each other. Had I transitioned before that counselling, that probably would have been the last straw that would have broken the back of this marriage. And even now, we started this year by having couples therapy now more related with my transition. It is a new challenge but this therapy is nothing like our first one. We truly treat each other differently now, then than.

I definitely suggest to have a solid foundation in your relationship, and ideally to not embark on the transition journey with a lot if unresolved issues in your marriage.

[Krisi]

re: "Trans with a wife?"

Only you and your wife can answer this one. You need to sit down with her and discuss this at length. Talk about where you want to go with this and how far and how fast. Listen to her answers and act accordingly.

Realize that even if she is OK with it now, her feelings might change in the future so be willing to either stop your transition or go your separate ways.

It's not easy.

[Katya@]

Only you and your wife can answer this one. You need to sit down with her and discuss this at length. Talk about where you want to go with this and how far and how fast. Listen to her answers and act accordingly.

I envy the relationships where this is possible. My partner has no patience and desire to talk about anything transition related for more than few minutes as infrequently as possible.

[Krisi]

I envy the relationships where this is possible. My partner has no patience and desire to talk about anything transition related for more than few minutes as infrequently as possible.

I suspect you will be forced to make the choice between transition and your partner. Again, only you can decide which is more important to you. If she refuses to discuss it, that will help you to decide.

I think it's pretty reasonable for a wife to expect her husband to be a "man" and it's the very lucky person whose wife (or "partner") is willing to go along with a transition from male to female.

[Katya@]

Hi Krisi,
I already transitioned socially, and legally, and have been transitioning medically for 4+ years. It's just for some couples it is difficult to talk about difficult topics (e.g. sex life). A month ago we started seeing a therapist and discussing both topics in fact. It really just mean that sometimes you need that third person, like a therapist, to hold a conversation.

- - - Updated - - -

Just noticed that Daniella has never followed up. I hope the discussion was helpful for someone :)

[Jessicajane]

Yes but it is not an easy path well for most anyway

Like you the thought of losing my love was unbearable but so was the urge to transition

Fast forward 5 years we celebrate 28 years this year we are together and I am Jess socially professionally and medically (not surgically) but compromise is a word and a way of life we both have had to embrace.

We took things slowly and even then she felt it was hard to keep up.
In truth nothing I did ensured we survived ultimately she wanted to stay together and as long as I gave her some things to hold onto she found the courage to stay.
I wish you well in your journey x

[BrendaPDX]

Ouch! You hit home with this simple statement. I can only wish you love and understanding. Please keep posting. CD/TG? Brenda

[Katya@]

In truth nothing I did ensured we survived ultimately she wanted to stay together and as long as I gave her some things to hold onto she found the courage to stay.

Resonate with us too.

[DaniellaUK]

If you can manage to live without transition, do it.

Thank you girls for all the thoughtful answers. I have spent weeks thinking about my life and realise this ^ is the right answer for me.

If I was 14 right now it wouldn't even be a discussion, I would have zero hesitation.

The impact transitioning socially and medically to those I love the most now would be too much.

My current CD way of life gets better and better, why drive a coach and horses through this.

Thank you again everyone xxx

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

But also, if you can manage to live with transitioning, do it!

[DaniellaUK]

But also, if you can manage to live with transitioning, do it!

Oh jeez, maybe I need to have the conversation with my wife. I thought it was clear in my head but it's not at all.

[Fran Moore]

Honest and open communication in a relationship is the best approach.

[Maid_Marion]

I found it easy to talk with my wife and set ground rules, as we talked about everything. We would have daily talks just before we went to sleep.

We agreed that I could grow my hair out and wear female clothes. But, we needed another talk if I needed HRT.

It was great as I learned a lot of social things from her that would have been really hard to figure out on my own.

Marion

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

When I self accepted I decided I'd opt for the whole 'ask for forgiveness not for permission' deal cause it felt so right.

If I had asked for permission I'd at best be a closeted crossdresser, maybe my clothes would be allowed to be hanging up somewhere rather than in a box hidden away.

And I'd have lost the chance I've had the last year or two where I've felt like an actual human being-having the underlying stress of dysphoria melt away, laughing aloud instead of just grunting, 'that's funny', talking to people instead of hiding in a corner, enjoying life instead of tolerating it.

Manging to live the lie was manageable, but the other side is so much better, the regrets I have is waiting so cussing long.

[Edelia]

It has been a challenge for me to find the balance between my wishes and the wishes of my wife, but it has been perfectly possible

[Devi SM]

43 years happily married and keep living together.
I'm transwoman and she's straight.

Does this answer your question?

Now, is not a common marriage now. Our relationship is the same, we enjoys each other's presence and company, we have different preferences in many things but adaptation for love is a basic.

I think she has adapted to me and I did it to her too.

I wait several years to start my transition and I keep on it.

I don't any relationship would last these amount of years without the honesty to express your feelings,.desires and fulfil the needs of both, or hiding something big as being trans.

You don't mention your age, hers, and how long married...

[Charla]

I came out to my wife 3 years ago. We had been married for 42 years and survived the suicide of our younger son, so we have been through a lot. There was a very bad weekend where we worked through the issues. She would have left me if she found out early in our marriage, but it?s too late now. I am regretful that I didn?t come out earlier but I?m grateful that she accepts me for what I am now.