Your Female Persona

[Kris Burton]

I am going to have some time to myself today, which means I will get to dress. I am always filled with anticipation as I will get to visit with, if just for a little while, my persona, my alter ego "Kris". As I begin to prepare mentally at least, it got me to thinking how I view her (notice use of third person).

Although Kris is indeed me, sort of, I view and imagine her almost as a different person with personality characteristics sharply different from my own. She lives in the moment. She is very socially oriented, searches out social situations and loves to interact with others, even if only online for the moment. She is a very fashionable dresser, loves to shop online or even in person if she can.She's very vain, enjoys looking in the mirror, loves to have her picture taken, and loves to take them. She is very sexy, yet not overtly so. All of these and more are a big reason why "I" enjoy visiting with her as much as I do. I so enjoy our differences and relish the sensation of bringing her out, and have some disappointment when she must go away until next time, even though I know she'll be back.

I find all this interesting because when I started to actively CD just a short time ago, a full blown persona did not exist; I just knew I wanted to wear women's clothing. "Kris" revealed herself almost immediately, almost like she was always there, just waiting to emerge. I must admit at first it was a little scary, but it felt and feels so good!

Anyway, I'm wondering if you have a persona or alter ego, and how do you view her? A separate entity with whom you have a close relationship? Yourself, just with your female side amplified? Situational, going back and forth? Do you escape the world in your alter ego? Or simply partake in the joy of wearing women's clothing. We're all different, so it might be fun to explore this. Let's discuss!

[Stephanie47]

Interesting question. I think I need to try to establish exactly what my male persona is or was. Upon reflection I do not think there was a "light switch" that all of a sudden flipped me from male to female. I definitely started off totally male or little boy. There was never any influence in the sense of a mother or aunt or female cousins or sisters dolling me up in female clothing for fun or humiliation/punishment. I was all boy; sports, playing in the dirt, comic books, etc. I had many trips to the principal's office all through elementary and junior high school. Puberty arrived and inner conflict arose within me. I did not like what I felt; totally mind blowing, self loathing, self hatred. It was something I did not embrace. At some point in time there came self acceptance.

I think Stephanie's developed really paralleled the male counterpart. I was never one for socializing as a male. I read all the posts of "clubbing and dancing" and I wonder if they do those activities in male mode? Maybe I would characterize myself as a home body; male or female. In my marriage my wife and I have always been on the same page. There was never a strict delineation of duties. One would see her mowing the lawn while I was cooking.

When it came to the actual cross dressing aspect it seemed to reflect my male side. In male mode I worked in an office environment attired in shirt, tie and dress slacks. After hours it was clean jeans and collared shirts. Casual. When Stephanie had the opportunity to flourish (pre-covid and wife's retirement) she always wore dresses. There is no a stitch of male inspired female clothing in my wardrobe; pants, whether long or short. It's all dresses. The dresses range from what a woman would wear in a professional setting or church to summery floral dresses for leisure time in the backyard.

When I did have the opportunity to be en femme 24/7 for seven to ten days I did not "prance" in front of a mirror. It did not take any time at all to just grab either male or female attire off the rack in the closet. I guess my male and female sides just complement each other.

[docrobbysherry]

Interesting post, Kris. Especially applicable to Sherry and I. I always refer to her in 3rd person because she is definitely NOT me!:eek:

When I go out dressed, I'm just the same old man in a dress.:sad:

However, Sherry looks nothing like me! So, I'm free to become an entirely different persona. And, she changes depending on where I am and who I'm with as Sherry!:devil:

[Rockster363]

This is an interesting topic for me. CD started at 4-5, sneaking pantyhose from mom?s drawer or when she wasn?t home. I do think my start was due to a hole video my brothers ridiculed me for. As an infant my mother and grandmother dressed me in a cute dress to ?see what you?d look like as a girl baby?. Of course young boys being young boys I was humiliated with the video clip all growing up until 10-11. But by that time, I?d been caught twice dressing up and learned that I needed to suppress and hide it. As of course, it?s of the devil.

Fast forward to now, I came to terms with it after suppressing my cross dressing desires completely by altogether suppressing sexuality in general. I couldn?t even be intimate with my wife and it was causing our marriage issues. I finally started out on some research and learned about what the hell is going on in my head and came to terms with the fact that yes, I am indeed a transvestite and I do take great pleasure in cross dressing. Hard to come to after so many years(I?m 31) suppressing it all.

My wife was a bit freaked out and worried, but has come around to respecting me and even encouraging my expression, but she also has healthy boundaries and the conversation is wide open. We talk about it freely and honestly and I can tell you, it?s made us so much closer.

As far as alter ego, or who I am while dolled up, I don?t even know where to begin. I identify as myself, I?m most certainly th same person. I don?t really feel to be a different persona. I don?t know if that?s because I?m new to it or not, but I just really feel like me. Confident and comfortable in makeup, clothes that express a part of me that just never sees the light of day.

I don?t think I have an alternate persona, and I?m curious what that means. I definitely love it, don?t want to stop and definitely don?t want to go back to the closet about it. 6 years of our marriage I feel like that could have been much more intimate. I feel like I cheated my wife out of what we could have had in that time. So happy to move forward now.

[Debbie Denier]

Hi Kris, The persona of Debbie came about 10 years ago. Although I crossdressed when I was younger , it was the enjoyment of dressing up in women?s clothes at the time. I experimented with clothes for years but gave it up when my wife and I had our daughters: I never thought about a girls name despite attending a CD support group in the 1980s.CD came back with a vengeance in 2011. Debbie was then created. To this day Debbie has not tried makeup , something I hope to rectify in the future by visiting a makeup artist. The alter ego of Debbie is definitely pure escapism and stress relief now . However there just is not enough time for her due to other work and life commitments.Enjoy your time dressing,It is more fun and exciting when it Is a new experience. Once bitten hooked for life.

[ziggie]

Interesting question, Kris. While these things are fluid and I'm certainly in the middle of a voyage of discovery, I don't think I have a female persona and male persona per se. I see myself as more non-binary and think that the male and female aspects of Ziggie are just parts of a whole, always there no matter which side of the coin is currently visible. These things change, however, and I may have a different feeling in six months or six years.

[kimdl93]

I really do not have any alter ego or persona. A GG friend once said, you are the same person as ever, just with nicer clothes.

[Ricky Rayne]

I feel im the same person. Its just that these are my work and everyday clothes and these are my at home clothes. Some of my mannerisms might change such as crossing my legs or keeping my knees close together if Im in a short skirt but over all Im still the same person.

[alwayshave]

It is just me, with my female side amplified?

[Geena75]

Drat, you had to put out an idea that sets me to thinking. I really don't know that I adopt a different persona. Even when I have gone out, it's still just me only dressed pretty. The real oddity is when I look at myself there is a certain detachment, as though I'm looking at someone else. When I see an opportunity to really dress up in a couple days, I'm thinking "it will be so nice to see Geena again." The toughest aspect to wrap my mind around is when I have gone out, particularly the last couple times. Somehow, I reconciled myself with who I see in the mirror and just enjoyed feeling and looking like that. I will have to give this some thought next time I get to dress up.

[CynthiaD]

The woman I see in the mirror is the real me. My male presentation is an act I put on when necessary. I was always uncomfortable as a male, never knowing how to act and overdoing the macho on way too many occasions. But in female mode, everything is easy and natural. Curiously enough, male mode became much easier once I realized it was just an act.

[GracieRose]

I've come to the realization that Gracie's behavior/ persona is me. My male behavior is different, but the result of decades of behaving like society and parents, teachers, etc. told me that I was supposed to act. Gracie burst fort. She was always there. I had been suppressing her for all those years. I am allowing her to come forth more in male mode now. At least as much as I can 'get by with', without upsetting anyone.

[GaleWarning]

I am me, no matter what I am wearing. My online name is a weather term. It simply sounds like a female name. Likewise, my avatar is a throwback to a time when I was a meteorologist. Old age and an accepting SO have meant that I have more freedom to wear what I like, whenever I like.

[Connie D50]

Wow great post Kris, my alter ego "Connie" came to being as a young person like many sneaking into my older sister room and more important her cloths. I would play sick from school and dress up all day. Growing up in the 60's, peer pressure and society, she had to stay in the shadows of everyday life. Has I got older she never went away less dressing but always on my mind. Kris like you she is " fashionable dresser, loves to shop online or even in person if she can. She's very vain, enjoys looking in the mirror, loves to have her picture taken, and loves to take them. She is very sexy, yet not overtly so." She lets me escape my male role and always has. She is in search for a real relationship no not a boyfriend relationship, A real girlfriend one that I could shop with talk to and hang out with. I have always been jealous of how girls interact let's face it guys can be jerks.

[Vintage4sarah]

What an interesting topic to bring up as it helps us to fathom who we really are. Like many respondents, I have gone through the evolution of changes and awareness of who we are and can be. This thread has made me think of how I approach my view of Sarah as part of my personality. Yes, she is the female person who I wish I could have become all along especially over the last ten years. Sarah's is more outgoing and free spirited than Paul. She also can break the chains that has restrained Paul who has always lived up to others expectations and my own perspective of being the responsible husband, father and professional. This possibly explains my habit of referring to Sarah in the "third person". Even though there is a lot of overlap between each part of me, there has developed a distinct difference which I have come to enjoy.

[SaraLin]

For me, it has been an evolution - and I'm still not sure where it'll end.

As a child, I just KNEW that I was supposed to have been born a girl and frequently asked the "great poobah" (avoiding religions here...) to fix it.
It didn't happen.

In my teens and early adulthood, I just KNEW that I was some kind of freak. I hated who/what I was. In other words, I wholeheartedly bought into the great societal lie.

Then I learned I wasn't alone. I still struggled with my urges. I thought that if I married, it would go away.
Nope.

But - living the "traditional male" role in life forced me to put "her" aside. I stuffed it all into a corner and kept the two halves of myself rigidly separated.
Of course, that wasn't good for my mental well being But it DID help me cope. I thought of myself and "her" as almost two separate people, living in the same body. (I was probably skirting dangerously close to a breakdown here)

Eventually, I managed to incorporate my two sides into a single whole. I might still say something like "she'd like that" if I'm around people who don't know, but it's more for convenience and not wanting to have to explain things to people who don't need to know. I don't have the internal two-gender battle for dominance any more. I'm just me - whoever that is.

When fully dressed and in Sara mode, do I have a different personna? I don't really think so. I'm a bit shyer, more timid and insecure - but I'm basically these things anyway.
I don't suddenly become a party animal or anything like that. I'm just me - only (like kimll93 said), "with nicer clothes"

[rachaelsloane]

It's really hard to explain why Rachael is self-confident, somewhat outgoing and always ready to get into a conversation, whereas, my evil twin brother is quiet, shy and rarely speaks to strangers. When I first went out in the city (San Francisco) a really good friend would talk to everyone, sometimes leaving me to fend for myself, so I took her lead and spoke to stranger(s). After a while, we would work the room and see where the evening took us. It was quite a ride and we'll have stories to talk about for years.
Kris, thank you for your question.

[GretchenM]

Great question Kris. Interesting responses. It does show the differences present in the full range we all cover.

Up until about 3 years ago (73 yrs old) there tended to be a separation most of the time. Not a great deal of difference, but visible in both internal feelings and outward expression. For the previous 7 years there had been a creeping merger of the two where they became more and more similar but with a few traits and characteristics rather different. Prior to to that which was when I came out, they were quite different.

It seems the two finally fully merged at some point around 3 years ago and became a cooperative and collaborative union in a fairly non-binary sort of way. Quite adaptable and able to relate to others in either a male-like fashion or a female-like fashion and switch back and forth at a snap of the fingers as the situation requires. I have no idea what that looks like to others, but I think some definitely are a bit unnerved by it. It is OK - I am a bit unnerved by their inability to adapt very much. Seems to show that gender identity is an adaptive behavior where everybody is just different in their comfort range.

[Alice92]

I don't think I have a dual personality but a complex personality. I like guy stuff (boxing, soccer....) and girly stuff (fashion, flowers...). I can talk raw about sex or prefer a romantic evening. I can be quiet and lonely or be someone more loud and much less delicate... It all depends on my mood, not on the clothes I'm wearing. Although of course, my choice of clothes can also depend on my mood. So often Alice seems more shy and serious than my male self. But I am definitely Alice, she's not another persona.

[Cheryl T]

It's just me.
I always felt this was me and I don't recall ever thinking otherwise.
I did refer to myself in the third person a few times and it felt very strange. There is no one else, it's just me.

[Kris Burton]

I'm glad that many of you have found this topic interesting, and hopefully you have not found it distracting from the fun of CD by thinking about it too much! The differences in the responses points to how different we all are in our approach to CD, and maybe what it means to us as individuals. On a personal level, this description most closely mirrors what I feel when I am Kris:


Yes, she is the female person who I wish I could have become all along especially over the last ten years. Sarah's is more outgoing and free spirited than Paul. She also can break the chains that has restrained Paul who has always lived up to others expectations and my own perspective of being the responsible husband, father and professional. This possibly explains my habit of referring to Sarah in the "third person". Even though there is a lot of overlap between each part of me, there has developed a distinct difference which I have come to enjoy.

For me, pretty spot on. Kris is an alternate personality for me, although an imaginary one, a fantasy of sorts that I can live out n some measure. When I see Kris in the mirror, I am not admiring myself, I am admiring her, not only her appearance but her personal qualities too, again that I have ascribed to her in my imagination. Even though I have no desire to become a woman or transition,yet in many ways she is what I would want to be if I was. I am not her, but it feels great to have a relationship with her that is so close, and when I bring her out, so intense and yes, sensuous.

I'm certain a psychiatrist could run wild with this. It sounds almost like a split personality, but it's not, nor do I have any desire to be cured. I can and always do return to reality when I need to or have to - my alter ego is not "driving the bus" . But its both fun and for me it has proven to be therapeutic to take on her persona, if only for a little while in fantasy.

[1Ladyjade]

I love this question. My cross dressing has always been in the closet. I just wanted to put on some soft things. But this time my CD I gave her a name and I have a picture in my mind of her in the cloths I put on. Jade is a girly girl she will only wear dresses and skirts. She is not a trashy girl exuding sex with lots of makeup and slinky clothes. She is sexy because she wears her clothes to be classy and refined. Her makeup is subtle and pretty. I just have to remember reality I'm a old man in a dress. But Jade is beautiful in my minds eye.

[Jenni6521]

Over the many years of my dressing I never really gave much thought about a female persona. I just knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothes. I also knew that my desires were going to wax and wain. I never really considered a female name or even thought about pronouns. I work in an environment that is all about inclusivity and so in our email signatures we are asked to list our pronouns. That is where I began to do more thinking. Consequently, I have yet to put pronouns in my signature. This lead me to do more research about gender topics. Goodness knows there are so many gender identity labels that it can be confusing to say the least. I settled into the fact that honestly I am more gender nonconforming. I also believe that this was going on during my entire life. As a toddler I had a blanket with a silk boundary. I was told by my mother I loved to rub it next to my face. I totally loved soft clothing. I was the youngest and had three older sisters. I used to babysit all of my nephews and nieces. I gravitated to learning how to cook from my mother and loved to bake. I was a whiz at doing the all of the household chores for the first 10 or more years of our marriage. I was fussy about how things were hung in the closet. I was a stay at home father. I work in a career that requires being very oriented towards feelings and has more females working in it. Yet, I also longed to know more about fixing cars. My father was a crack mechanic but had zero patience for me. Thus I grew up afraid to do any work under the hoods of my cars. My nephew is now my mechanic and I assist him with the work, so I have learned a lot from him. I find myself rambling a bit now. I guess I am now more on the path of accepting me. Which also includes Jennifer. I do not see a division or a separate persona. I don't get out much dressed as Jenni. I am certainly more aware of mannerisms and watch girls/women in order to get better with them. I am looking forward to discovering her now though.

[Philippa Grace]

I find that I naturally become more feminine the more I do feminine things, e.g. when im putting on male underwear, I just sort of step into them and pull them up! But when I'm putting on panties, I have a more feminine stance, with feet slightly apart and knees and thighs together and I slide them up my legs, enjoying the amazing feeling. Or when I'm sitting, I sit with knees together, or legs underneath me, which I never do in male mode. As I say, I find that I naturally do these things rather than mean to do them, if that makes sense! The more dressed I am the more femme I become, especially if make up and nails are done! Walking is a stumbling block, I really have to concentrate, and usually fail, at a feminine walk. Sometimes I even practice in male mode, like when going round the supermarket. Dressing, underdressing, feeling femme and acting femme is something I really enjoy.

[April Rose]

Whether I am dressed or not , whether I introduce myself as April or not I am always the same person. When dressed as a woman I try to observe the feminine protocols.

I very much want to be one integrated honest person. I hate the cloak and dagger stuff.

[Heather76]

I don't have a Heather persona. The only thing that changes is what I'm wearing. If I were 100% cross dressed and had the outward appearance of a woman, I'd still be my wife's husband and want to be that person. If she ever wanted to go out shopping with Heather, I would gladly go but I'd have to become a good actor to pass as Heather. The mannerisms and voice just wouldn't/couldn't come naturally.

[britskye]

Brittany doesn't really have a persona yet. With my only CD time being late in the evening after everyone else goes to bed, I'm limited in my opportunities. I would love to explore more about who I am as Brittany.

[DianeT]

I don't have a female persona so when I dress it's me with makeup, forms, and different clothes. However the way I look is so remote from my male mode that I feel like I'm different, it blurs the lines between male and female and that is the fun side of it. But it's an outer difference, not something within. Apparence, not essence.
My wife who is puzzled beyond imagination by this proclivity solved this in part by creating a female persona for me and naming it. So during our discussions, there is actually a feminine me, a putative entity that I don't relate to.

[MonicaPVD]

Monica is a much more relaxed, happy, and enthusiastic version of myself. More joy. Less anxiety. Behavior, mannerisms, etc are otherwise unchanged.

[Kris Burton]

Similarly, I have found the personality qualities I have ascribed to Kris influencing me. More able to live in the moment without undue worry about past or future events, I too have become a much more relaxed happy and enthusiastic person. And that has been a very good thing!

[Vale]

Yes, I do seem to have somewhat different male & female personalities (or maybe just slightly different behaviors if you prefer). I have had 2 wives in my life, and both told counselors that I seem to have a distinct feminine side. It somehow came without effort on my part, and I like it that way. As many here have noted, it is nice to get away from the masculine mind set sometimes. ?.vale

[Patience]

I try to be as organic as I can about the whole process, including an understanding that, in spite of my best efforts, I am still basically a guy in a dress.

Having no illusions, I definitely do not do things that make me look "forced" in any way. For example, I do not make a conscious effort to alter my voice because I feel it would (A) sound forced and therefore unnatural, and (B) It would not fool anyone anyway.

Since Covid hit, I haven't been nearly as outgoing as before, but my joy in crossdressing comes in part from breaking the pattern of behavior I've come to expect from people when they see me as a man. It can definitely be an eye opening experience.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Boy me is an introvert. I've taken the Myers Briggs test several times officially (not using a test freely available on the Internet) and I pin the scale as an introvert. Steffi is an extrovert. She has no problem walking up to a stranger in the supermarket and complimenting her on her nails, makeup, clothes, jewelry.

Steffi loves to dance. Boy me needs at least a couple of drinks before he is willing to dance. Steffi doesn't dance any better than boy me, but she just doesn't care what other people think. Boy me does care about what other people think about his dancing.

[KymG]

This is an interesting topic.

In my case i dont really feel any different as a person. Although I do drive to the letter of the law, I dont really change anything.
I see me in the mirror looking what i think is hot, and I love that feeling.
Im still me though. Im ok with that.
HAaving said this, I am far more relaxed as Kym.
The name Kym was dreamt up for this site, (there is a reason) but will stick with that if I ever do venture out properly.

[josie_S]

I agree...this is an interesting topic. I don't think I ever thought of Jocelyn as a different persona, but instead a different side of my overall persona. Like many others said I feel softer, more relaxed, care less what others think (about my dancing, not about my outfit--I care much more in fact!), and my mannerisms, affect, and mood all change, but I just think that's in me regardless, and cding makes it all come to the surface more? But maybe I'm thinking about it wrong...

[Just Dana]

Very interesting topic for me. I've been trying to figure out how to reply for a while now.

FYI, I'm trans with no plans to publicly transition.

I do have two separate personas. On one level, I'm Dana even if I'm pretending not to be. But, I've spent most of my life pretending to be him. That makes it difficult for me to know what is or isn't real about the two personas. Was "he" constructed to hide Dana from the world? Is Dana constructed? Are they both in there, mixed up together?

I've always been fairly perceptive and have taken to heart comments that I've heard. I have memories from very early on of comments about people who didn't "act right" according to their assigned sex. Did I internalize those comments and spend the next couple of decades trying to perfect presenting as a straight, CIS male? Maybe. Probably.

I have noticed that it feels very natural to feminize my movements when I dress. I'm not saying I necessarily get things right, but it sure seems to come easily. But, do I make myself act more feminine or do I STOP making myself act masculine? I really don't know.

I never enjoyed shopping until the first time I went shopping for women's clothes. Nowadays, drop me at a thrift store and I'm happy as a clam! Did I not like it because "men don't like shopping"? Did I not like it because men's clothes are utilitarian for me, but there's something authentic and interesting about women's clothing? Does the pink fog just naturally roll in if I'm shopping for women's things for myself? I don't know.

The same goes for personality. Is he an overly shy introvert because I'm really an overly shy introvert? Or is he that way because he doesn't relate well with men and can't relate the "right" way with women? Again, no clue. I can say that I hope I find that Dana is more outgoing. That would make life easier and much more interesting! I guess time will tell on that one.

Dana

[Marissa Q]

I love this thread and thank you for starting it, Kris. I'd like to posit outright that anyone (including myself) who is hiding their femininity/CD'ing from their SO's or the world in general but is happily displaying it here in these semi-private forums has, de facto, an alternate and delineated persona. You can't say they're adequately "merged" with your masculine persona or alter-ego if you're keeping her tucked away. I'd also like to state that having a clearly delineated social persona is nothing worrisome; after all, each of us has had MANY personas throughout our lifetimes -- work personas, husband personas, father personas, et. al. Surely your "at church" persona isn't the same as your "drinking beer, watching the Super Bowl" persona, is it? If you've discovered a new, more feminine one, more power to all of us. And if your female persona, as it were, is hyper-sensualized or inwardly (and, often overtly) more sexual in tone than your male self ever was, this too is a pointer to a more clearly delineated portion of your selfhood.

I'm always surprised how many of us associate our female personas only with the moments in which we are dressed en femme. What about the times we're dressed in drab, but eagerly reading/posting here? Is the female persona non-existent without the clothing? Is our outward appearance required to fully trigger our femininity? I'm certain it helps a great deal visually, but is that all there is? Crossing an historically-traditional (and antiquated) binary gender line is no small feat, but my sense in reading myriad posts over the last few months is that -- generally speaking -- there are more hours spent talking and thinking about crossdressing than those hours actually spent dressed. That fact points further to the fact that -- if you have a female persona of some sort -- it's quite a bit more omnipresent than you think.

As for myself, Marissa is a clearly delineated persona and I fully embrace the part, not only with clothing but in mannerisms and speech as well. Do note that you don't have to radically change the pitch of your voice to be altering it; if you find that you at least soften your vocal tones, or speak with a slightly different cadence, you are still changing your voice. Ever since I embraced crossdressing, Marissa is a constant presence in my life; like many, I think she was always there, but I just didn't have the guts to let her show. Readers should note that I have never been a hyper-masculine male and haven't ever tried to be one; it simply has never been in me. I'm also comfortable saying that I have sexual desires for men and am very comfortable with my bisexuality. In bed with men, I've always desired to be a more submissive counterpart, a direct contradiction to sexual acts with women throughout my life. As such, the "coming out" of Marissa over these last few years hasn't really seemed that alarming to me; the need to be feminine has had a direct, tangible tie to my sexuality, and I believe it to be a driving force for me. Sexuality, whether expressed or hidden away, is such a defining power for so much in our lives that I am simply incapable of disconnecting my crossdressing from it; sexuality is a core value, not an ancillary one.

Yet, like others in this thread, my Marissa "persona" is a hyper-extension of my internalized self. More flamboyant, more sensual, more provocative, more over-the-top in physical expression and attire. Is she a more interesting "me"? I don't really think so. Hey, I'm a pretty interesting guy in drab as well! To add, my male self is a helluva lot more social because, well, I'm still holding onto the common fear of being inappropriately judged for being at least "half" Marissa. Paradoxically, it's not Marissa who's suffering at all; it's my male persona that's doing all the heavy-lifting as far as fear is concerned.

Kris makes a great point about some psychologists having a proverbial field day with this bifurcation and its proximity to a split-personality archetype; however, I think we're all happy to know that such a diagnosis would be more firmly rooted in a past where "normal" was a lot less nuanced than (happily) it is today. However, I do question her statement:


I can and always do return to reality when I need to or have to - my alter ego is not "driving the bus".

I sort of feel the same throughout my day, but the facts don't exactly bear this out. A day doesn't pass where I'm not -- at least subconsciously -- planning my next "Marissa time". I check these forums several/many times a day. I read/watch/listen to crossdressing blogs, videos and podcasts throughout the week. I do SO much for Marissa -- even though I'm in male mode most of the time -- that I have to question if she's really not the one "driving the bus." I mean, if you've posted on hundreds/thousands of threads regarding your crossdressing but haven't spent an equivalent amount of time in an opposing hyper-masculine endeavor (e.g., posting in a forum wherein you fervently and lovingly talk about your masculinity in some way), exactly what is your reality? Add up all the time you spend on/with her. You're not in 'femme' mode only when you're dressed any more than you're in 'male' mode, dressed in drab, but thinking about crossdressing.

There are literally tens of thousands of posts here discussing in one way or another how to successfully integrate our female sides with our male sides, and such an act is an inclusive one. Then there are the tens of thousands of posts which talk about the physical act of reducing our maleness (body hair, shoulder width, waist sizes, breast shape, etc.) when en femme, and those acts are entirely eliminative in nature. And you would be incredibly hard-pressed to find a post which advocates a similarly eliminative stance towards embracing one's feminine side/persona. No one ever states that someone should stop discovering and loving their femininity. There is ample negativity heaped upon overt masculinity (often described as restricting or even toxic), and absolutely nothing but positivity when it comes to all things feminine.

In light of the above, does anyone think her male persona is "driving the bus"? I can pretend she's not, but my female persona has at least one hand on the wheel which, Ouija-like, my male persona finds itself all too often moving in the direction she wants, regardless of whether I'm dressed en femme or not. And gosh love her for it, too.

[AmeeJo]

Wow! So many great responses. As someone who is just starting to really explore the CD life, I have to say I'm excited to get to know AmeeJo better and really incorporate her personality into my everyday life. I'm still interested in all the same stuff (welding, woodworking, tinkering, gardening, baking, BBQ, etc.) but I think looking at some of it from my female side will make me a more complete person and allow me to reach new levels of creativity. I hope that makes sense.

[Yinlingyen]

Yin is a very sensual submissive woman.
She loves to stand out. She loves a bit of attention from men.
She dresses to please herself and her admirers.
Yin is totally addicted to shopping. High heel sandals, delicate lingerie, sexy dresses are her favorite.
Miss Dior and Chanel Allure are her scent of choice.
Yin takes to the street like its her catwalk.
In the past few years Yin got addicted to gel manicure and pedicure as well.

[Rachelakld]

very different personalities.
I like doing manly stuff (if there's anything left that's called manly). I like physical activity, hiking, chopping wood, dislike shopping and having my photo taken, introvert even.
Rachel is a social bunny, likes to be the center of a party, shopping and having her photo taken.
We "chat to each other" especially when I try to instill military discipline to my kids and she tells me to "chill out and take the long view", or when advising my daughters about fashion.
My daughter had to learn about coconsciousness as part of her teaching diploma, it was a good fit for me.
Being Rachel is a great escape, but I just haven't had the calling for a few months now.

[Kris Burton]

A fascinating take on all of this Marissa! And you know, it really got me thinking again when you state, in regard to who is "driving the bus", my male or female self:


I sort of feel the same throughout my day, but the facts don't exactly bear this out. A day doesn't pass where I'm not -- at least subconsciously -- planning my next "Marissa time". I check these forums several/many times a day. I read/watch/listen to crossdressing blogs, videos and podcasts throughout the week. I do SO much for Marissa -- even though I'm in male mode most of the time -- that I have to question if she's really not the one "driving the bus." In light of the above, does anyone think her male persona is "driving the bus"? I can pretend she's not, but my female persona has at least one hand on the wheel which, Ouija-like, my male persona finds itself all too often moving in the direction she wants, regardless of whether I'm dressed en femme or not. And gosh love her for it, too.

You're absolutely right. I do spend copious amount of subconscious time thinking about Kris - time online with the forum, shopping for new outfits that I think will look good, thinking abut the next time I will be able to fully dress and planning for same, even fantasizing about future endeavors, outfits, photos, encounters with others. So, whether I am dressed or not, for all intents and purposes she is there, and her influence has been profound. She has her hand on the wheel as well, and I'm the better person for it.

[josie_S]

Wow Marissa Q--I'm going to be thinking about this all day (likely proving your point...LOL!)

[Krisi]

I don't see any different "persona" or personality when I dress. I am the same person, have the same likes and dislikes, political views, etc. I don't see how putting on a wig and strapping on a pair of boobs can change who somebody is. I'll try to walk and speak differently of course, but that is an act, it's not a change caused by the boobs.

[1Ladyjade]

Kris Burton I was reading all the replies and then came to yours. I think your on to something. I find myself thinking about Jade alot. What's the next piece to buy for her. When can she dress next. She controls the pink fog. If you try to deny her the fog gets thicker. Yesterday I was putting on the clothes I got over the weekend mixing and matching pieces. One of the pieces was a pencil skirt. Well I had to get to work. A few hours later Jade was demanding to put that skirt back on. Luckily I had an easy work day and was able to satify that need to wear that skirt for a few hours.
So who is really driving that proverbial bus.

[Barbara Jo]

Interesting....
My female persona is basically a natural combo of two people..... the only female I have ever really loved and my male self .

She liked to dress classy but sexy and was a bit naughty at times ..... and I have adopted her name
She left me decades ago

I have always been kind, giving and level headed. and always liked myself. ....almost to a fault.
We both came from basically dysfunctional families

In female mode I like to more or less dress like her and sometimes be a bit naughty... but in male mode it's basically jeans and a T-shirt.

.

[Zuzana]

I definately feel like I have two separate personas, who are different, but also share quite a lot. It is maybe bit like if they were syblings. They are different, but they are having some common history and background so they are both affected by that.
My male me likes adventurous sports for example which is typicaly masculine hobby. When I am doing that, I feel my masculine energy and my feminine part is like some distant dream.
Then when I am my female me, it is the same. It also feels so distant to just think about my male me and I am not at all interested in those hobbies and I can't even believe I sometimes am. It is actually really annoying.

It is hard to tell what is exatly Zuzana's personality, because I am closeted so maybe I will be suprised I was wrong when interacting with others in real world. But I expressed my feminine me online in the past and also I have some self image in my mind when I am her. I feel it, but it is really hard to find words for it. Most remarkable things is that Zuzana is calmer and less ambitious then my male me. She would be probably fine just living simple ordinary life and visiting friends. She has specific sense of humor which is different from my male me and she is weaker in good sense meaning she is able to express sadness and fear more authenticaly. She likes beautiful dresses obviously :-D and cute pets and lovely arts!