Can you go too slowly?

[Fiona Manchmal]

I came out to my SO a few years ago, right at the start of our relationship. I knew immediately we were about to get serious that I had to do it, but took a few days to ready myself for the announcement, working out in my head how to do it. Naturally, I was very nervous.

I had, by then, accepted my CDing and accumulated a definite wardrobe.

I wasn't going to purge. I'd already purged twice and knew that it doesn't stick. I'd just end up starting again from scratch and rueing the loss of irreplaceable favourites. Besides, it's expensive.

I wasn't going to go undercover. The days of hiding Fiona's things were over: they hung in her wardrobe and overflowed their shelves into 'his' space. Even if SO didn't go exploring something would be found one day. "The heels? Oh, I'm just storing those for a friend," wasn't going to cut it.

So, heart in mouth, I told her. "I'm a crossdresser."

I'm sure there must then have been a few seconds' pause - the sort of seconds that each last minutes - but SO seemed unfazed. She must have asked questions, no doubt many of the usual ones, but I cannot remember any of them, just that I answered them and she didn't run screaming. In fact she didn't run at all.

So now she knew and my fear would be replaced by self-consciousness. At some point, either that evening or a few days later, she asked to meet Fiona. I thought it best to start with something safe - a daytime, office-type look with one of my wigs. Though I had a make-up kit I had barely ever practised so didn't try. I presented Fiona, with his face looking out. That seemed to be OK. SO said something to the effect that make-up would be too much.

SO was accepting, supportive - she even gave me a pair of 4" heels the next Christmas. Wow! However, despite how well things had gone, I was wary of dressing too often or talking about CD-ing in case it became too big a thing and thence a problem between us. I wasn't trying to exclude SO from Fiona, just for Fiona to be an aspect of me rather than a definition. During the recent lockdowns, when we were unable to meet as often as normally, it became even more important to me that I usually presented to SO as her boyfriend. Consequently, by the Christmas just gone, Fiona wanted to be heard and that is when I decided I needed to sign up to the forum.

Before I could though, SO amazed me again, for this Christmas she presented me with make-up, brushes, a sponge, mascara and eye-liner, lipsticks, eyelashes (!) and earrings and wanted to know when we could 'play'. I was thrilled and terrified. We'd never really talked about what Fiona liked or wanted to wear, what sort of look she wanted. Was I ready for this? How would I look? What look should I say I want? What look is it OK to want? What would SO think? I've been sort of suppressing Fiona and SO wants to launch her! It felt like coming out all over again but in spades!

We've had one play day so far with OK results. SO has long inferred what kind of looks I really like but I'm still self-conscious talking about it and, weirdly, feel that SO is ready to move faster than I am. She's even talked of us finding somewhere to go. It's brilliant but still scary.

Is it possible for a CD to go too slowly?

[Majella St Gerard]

Go at the pace that you're comfortable with and go out in public when YOU are ready, The key thing is to communicate with your SO. Honesty is the best policy. Good luck and have fun.

Peace & Love
Gerri

[April Rose]

No, you are not moving too slow. Based on my own experience in a 45 year relationship with a woman I loved unconditionally and however incredibly, seemed to love me in the same way, I'd say you are going at the exact right pace.

You told her up front, so there are no secrets. She seems to be getting something out of this, even if it's just that it makes her happy to make you happy. Why would you want to mess with this?

Over time you may get to a place where you feel more confident giving Fiona a freer reign, but for now, let your fantasies remain fantasies and focus on being sure to develop your love and trust with this flesh and blood woman, who appears to be a pretty splendid person.

Push too hard and over time she may sour on thev whole thing. Let her go at her pace, and think of Fiona as a special dessert. You may not have it all the time, but it's always a treat, and all the better to share it with someone you love.

[Crissy 107]

I think going slow is perfectly ok. You have what sounds like an amazing SO who has accepted this side of you and is onboard. Just enjoy the ride and see where it goes and slowly is fine.
Good luck and let us know how you do

[Di]

I think she is trying to show she loves and accepts. Explain to her how much that means to you and explain to her like you did us your Being hesitant.
Nothing wrong both sides can take it as slow as they want.
A lot of CDs here would give anything to be in your place .
Just please open up to her …. This you thinking one thing and she something else is not good ,
Just be you and I think it is awesome she is trying to show you she loves and accepts you.

[ziggie]

It seems almost like your SO has accepted Fiona as a girlfriend and enjoys doing girly things with her. I see nothing wrong with that.

[kimdl93]

Its entirely ok to be nervous even with an amazingly supportive partner. Tell her the truth?that you don?t want to overwhelm her, and that even if you hesitate now and then, you are absolutely thrilled to share this growing experience with her.

[char GG]

Kudos to you for opening up to your SO at the very beginning!

As long as you keep the communication open, it sounds like things are going well for you.

Since you asked the question about "can you go too slowly", I'm wondering what you mean? Do you have more to your CDing that hasn't been discussed or are you waiting to do something beyond what you are currently doing? In that case, my suggestion would be to lay it all out.

Most GG's don't want to be told that their SO likes panties... then bras... then skirts... then heels... then makeup/wigs... then bar hopping as a woman... then hormones.... you get the idea. We call that the drip drip drip method. So far, you have her support and she loves you. Make sure that there isn't a hidden agenda in your communication with her.

[NancySue]

I, too have an accepting, supportive wife and share many of your feelings. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. I don?t understand why you?d want to suppress Fiona, especially in light of your SO interest. I believe the more you talk, the self conscious, weirdness will fade away. It did for me. We continually compare notes, makeup, etc. except for underwires and hose, which she hates and I love.

[Ricky Rayne]

I am totally in this same spot. This question and thread is now helping me out as well. I dont think i could have put into words as well as Fiona. Im very eager to hear all the replies..

[ellbee]

...I'm still self-conscious talking about it and, weirdly, feel that SO is ready to move faster than I am.

I would tell her this, if you haven't already. :)

[alwayshave]

Fiona, Sounds like your moving at a pace that is good for both you and your wife.

[Kris Burton]

My wife is supportive as well...we are both fortunate. Still, I find I get embarrassed when she finds me looking at catalogs or at Amazon for dresses and pretty things. She , on the other hand seems amused, and teases me gently, never derisively which I enjoy. She does matter of factly hand me clothing catalogs she receives and asks if there is anything I like (usually too expensive - my CD persona is a cheapskate also!) Almost to a number other CD persons remind me, in spite of out good relationship to continue to take it slowly, and that's what I do. Her main concern is that I do not step out publicly, and I shall not approach the subject until I think she is ready to accept that. Everything in the fullness of time, and time is on my side.

So simply, slow is OK, even preferable, yet take advantage of continued progress when it arises.

[SaraLin]

Fiona,
Unlike the majority of responses you've gotten, I'd say that it IS possible to go too slowly. I think that's exactly what has happened to me, but that's a subject for another thread.

I don't think you're there - at least not yet.

Just be very careful about turning down any offers your wife makes without explaining why you're saying "no." She might think that you're not interested and never bring up the subject again.
Then you'd be out of luck.

Saying "I'd live to do that with you, but I'm afraid that..." is much more likely to get you good results than an uncommunicative "Uh, no."

Like so many others, I WISH my wife would be so supportive and willing to help.

[bridget thronton]

Welcome to the forum - keep talking to your SO and follow her lead (it is OK to tell her when you are uncomfortable)

[Cheryl T]

When given the opportunity to be ourselves with someone we love it presents a bit of fear.
When I came out to my wife and first dressed for her I went all in. She became accepting and told me I could dress whenever I desired. At first I would call her and tell her I'd be dressed when she came home from work to ease the shock. She assured me it wasn't necessary. It took a bit of time for the fear to fade.
Then when we joined a support group another situation arose. We would dress together. How would she react watching the transition? It was one thing seeing me dressed and another watching it happen. That took some time to become accustomed to but now it's as natural as any 2 women dressing together.
I think we take baby steps out of fear that one of them may result in rejection. Only you can judge how fast things progress in your situation.

[Stephanie47]

Needless to say the vast majority of us are very envious of your relationship. If you're (plural you) are a full blown cross dresser I'd say go all in if your SO is receptive. When it comes to the drip, drip, drip or creep along routine, I think sometimes it is genuine as the man is progressing too. If you're already there, then I think it is a "let's get it over," in the sense, if she is going to run for the hills, then let it be. Anyone reading this forum for some period of time has read numerous accounts of the 180 degree turn around. It always goes through my mind with a supportive SO, especially a wife, "What doe she get out of it?" I think, if a wife does not embrace her husband 100%, then it ultimately will become a wedge between them.

So, yes one can progress too slowly, but, one can also overwhelm the other too.

[Heather76]

First of all, congrats on having such an understanding and supportive SO. So many of us would love to hear our SO say they like to meet our female persona in person. That said, my take would be to suggest you only move as fast and as far as YOU feel comfortable moving. If her suggestions seem to go beyond where you're ready to go, simply explain to her that you appreciate how wonderful she is in supporting you but you're not ready to take that next step yet.

[Femi9]

Brilliant! Maybe suggest she helps with your makeup to get her involved and you will then know the look which she can accept. I don't think you can go too slowly but you can definitely go too fast!

[Stephanie Michelle]

Every relationship is different. We can give you advise based on our own circumstances. Best way to clear any issues is to talk to your SO ask her what she is thinking and where does she see you two going in the future with it. Then there is no guessing. Good luck

[Gi Gondin]

Like many aspects in a relationship, crossdressing can become something belonging to both of you. At first I thought that was impossible, but I was wrong.

When that happens, sharing feelings, expectations and planning together about CD are part of everyday life.

Relax and enjoy the ride!

[LIKETODRESS2]

I told my gf I dressed before we even started datting. At fires she was unsure but the more we talked the better she was with it. 6 years later we are still together

[Beverley Sims]

Go at a pace you are comfortable with and it may be a good idea to let your GF make the pace and do as she suggests when she suggests it.

It worked for me many years ago as my housemates were all girls and they suggested what I should wear and when.

[Fiona Manchmal]

Thank you to everyone who has commented for your thoughts and suggestions. Sorry it's taken so long to return to the thread but "he's" been hogging the PC. I'll have to suggest that he gets his own (or buys me one of my own - a purple one would be nice).

Be assured I do fully recognise that I am one of the fortunate ones and am very concerned not to do anything to blow things. Your key message is about communication and it is helpful to be able to sound things out here first. Thank you all, again.

Char GG: What do I mean by too 'slowly'? Good question. It's not about drip-drip-drip - as you say, that would not go down well at all. No, SO has a good idea about Fi's various styles even if she doesn't approve of everything. Opinions range from "that's very nice" to "no CD of mine is going out in that skirt" (as if! It would be a bit short for outdoors, except maybe the beach or poolside :cool:). 'Slowly' is more about being comfortable raising the CD topic. I've had the lid on it for so long that I still feel a bit foolish despite SO's support. As many have advised, the answer has to be communication. Not necessarily about CD itself but about talking about it. We had our first catalogue browse together the other day (SO's idea), pointing out what we liked/didn't like, and even then it took a while to relax into it. I'm glad we did it though. :)

Femi: Good idea. We had a first go about a week ago. We started by trying some make-up I've had for years but never really tried out. Mostly we learned that it was too old to be any use anymore :sad: but it was a start and fairly successful. Again, SO has inferred (rather than I've told her) what my favourite look(s) might be (chic and evening) and her presents were tailored that way. I'm worried now that I won't achieve the look(s) I like and that leads to hesitation to try (more going slowly). It's definitely communication time....

And Beverley: a house full of girl housemates, all of whom gave advice and, presumably, encouragement? Wow!!

[missjoann49]

Hi Flona, so glad for you that you SO is very understanding and supportive of you. The best thing that you can do now is to go at your own pace, I am sure your SO will understand, from that point everything else will fall into place. Bets wishes to you and your future