Worst Way to be Caught (GG and CD Perspective)

[Bianca Fay]

There have been countless posts on this forum that caution CDs that it's only a matter of time before being caught/discovered by their wife or girlfriend.

This post isn't about whether or not a CD should give full disclosure in the early stages of a relationship; I think most here would agree that any potential SO should be given the decency of 'advance notice' in order to make a personal decision to stay or run. Rather, this post is aimed at the women who have discovered their SOs secret, as well as the CDs who were caught themselves.

From a GGs perspective, what do you consider to be the worst way of finding out such a shattering discovery?
- catching him dressed
- finding a picture
- finding an email or website
- finding women's clothing
- hearing about it from others

Likewise, from the CDs perspective, what do you consider to be the worst way of being caught?

[kimdl93]

Worst way? Probably hearing about it second had.

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

I think the worst way for a wife or SO to find out is hearing about it from others. She will likely be embarrassed and her social circles of friends or professional status could possibly be threatened.

[Kris Burton]

From a CD perspective, probably getting caught dressed. If you were trying to keep it secret, no way around that. From an SO perspective, I think second hand would be worst. No one likes to be the last to know.

[Elizabeth G]

Don't do it the way I did it!

I had been agonizing for weeks over how and when to tell her when I took that decision out of my own hands.

My wife and I were due to leave on vacation with two other couples. On our way out the door she asked me to unlock my car so she could grab a jacket for me. I had been out shopping earlier in the day and unbeknownst to me a bag with some of my things had tipped over and something had fallen out. When I got home I grabbed the bag and stashed it away. All good... or so I thought. She opened my car door and just froze. Then in a tone of voice I can only describe as justifiably icy she asked "Why is there a bra in your car".

I literally had 5 minutes to talk before we spent the next 18 hours in transit with our friends before we could be alone again.

[docrobbysherry]

I thot seeing me dressed would be the worst!:eek:

And, after nearly being caught by my live in, 17 y/o daughter a few times, I told her. She said she didn't care as long as she NEVER SAW ME DRESSED!:thumbsdn:

I was rite!:straightface:

[Pumped]

My wife found out when she came home from shopping with a friend and I had been out with the friend's husband. Earlier in the day I has washed some panties and hung then up to dry, but well hidden. When the hubby and I got home I remembered the panties and figured I should stash them quickly. When I went for them they were laying out on the ironing board in our laundry room. To this day I have no clue how she found them! The other couple was staying for dinner and visiting so my wife and I made uncomfortable eye contact until they left later that evening.

Then the excrement hit the rotary air mixer.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

I should think the worst imaginable way to be caught was for a wife to walk into the bedroom and find her spouse dressed in her clothes, having sex with a man--on their marital bed!

It's just fortunate that most CDs would never dream of doing such a thing--I hope!

[Mackem Sue]

You cross-dress in private just to find a neighbour catches you dressed randomly looking through your window because you forgot to pull the curtains or blinds.


Sue

[Geena75]

I have a different take on this notion (don't I always). I think the worst way would be for her to find the stash of clothes. For one thing, she could conjure up so many terrible reasons for them to be there, like having another woman on the side. Another thing, it would leave an avenue to create a howling lie to cover why they are there, rather than properly coming out with the truth. If she were totally forbidding, she would require the clothes to go away. If a photo was found, you might only have to lose the outfit in question. If I had to be caught, I would rather it be dressed in all my glory -- hopefully looking really good.

[Mackem Sue]

@Geena75

Good post and fair comment.

Sue

[Karren H]

Alternately, doesn’t defining a worst way to get caught allude that there is a best or better way to get caught? Caught is caught, it’s all bad for both parties. IMHO

[char GG]

None are ideal ways to get caught. In keeping within the guidelines the OP requested, I would say "hearing about it from others". I heard about it from a neighbor. However, luckily, I already knew. It would have been awkward if I had been the last one in the neighborhood to know.

[Patience]

Worst way to get gaught?

Semi-undressed, with a stuck zipper.

[CarlaWestin]

What do I consider the worst way to be caught? Well, I can't remember ever being caught but, I can imagine what a bad situation could be.

[Cheryl T]

First of all I have to say that I believe any of us in a relationship and hiding this subconsciously wants to be caught. Over time the secrecy and the lies eat at us. The guilt is a difficult burden to carry and we would all prefer that it be out in the open.
That being said I have to agree that learning second hand would be most devastating. After that finding a picture would be next in my book and actually that's how my wife discovered me. I won't go into details now, but it was a very painful time for her.

[Marsha Louise]

It troubles me some that we're using the word "caught" here, which to me implies that by crossdressing we're doing something wrong or illegal. I consider myself "discovered" as a CD, to both myself and my partner.
I've never hidden this aspect of me since I first acknowledged it several years ago, and it's been an evolving process ever since.
I try not to over think it, and just enjoy it.

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree the worst way would be getting the news from a neighbor. My wife and I dabbled in lingerie (Nightie and hosiery) for me when we were first married. She found me wearing her nylon gown one night as I was getting a drink of water in the kitchen. I told her I liked the feel of nylon. That was the initial interest in women's clothing. When my interests expanded that brought about "The Talk" and her shutting down on participating at all. Since then it has been "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." She knows, but, I doubt she knows the full extent of my cross dressing. I know a neighbor, who spied on me over the back fence saw me. She and her nosy clan were gossipers and always talked to other neighbors. I do not know if that person spread around what she saw. I assume so, but, no neighbors gave me any indication they knew. I definitely would have known if my wife found out. Since then I curtailed sitting in our backyard en femme.

I have always found it somewhat assuming that a woman would under take a challenge to dress up her husband or boyfriend for Halloween to the max, but, have a total melt down if she were to find him en femme at home.

[MonicaPVD]

Betrayal comes in many flavors, and is assimilated in many different ways. Everyone is different. Some women might call for a divorce after the most innocuous revelation. Others might be forgiving in even the most embarrassing of situations. Who knows. Personally, it's worth the very high risk for me. So I can't speak for anyone else.

[Debbie Denier]

Getting caught which ever way is bad . But the consequences of being caught are worse. If the SOs never signed up for this could be divorce, separation , complete rejection, being disowned by own family and friends. My wife found my stash when decorating. Told me to get rid , abstain or its over.I complied which has kept us together. The urge never goes away though.

[Ceera]

For my sister, it was finding my girl side’s Facebook page. She hadn’t known before that, and seeing me dolled up and going out socially really shocked her.

[Jenni6521]

I also agree that for my wife it would be hearing about it from others. That would hurt her a lot and I am sure it would really make things bad for us to be able to move forward. She is the practice administrator at the doctor I see. I have an appointment coming up this week. It will be the only day I do not underdress. For me my fear was that she would find something that I did not put away. Before we had The Talk I had hidden so many things in so many spots I had forgotten about them, and then would open a dresser drawer, pull something out and something else would fall on the floor or come along. :bonk:

She does not put my laundry away for me. However, one evening she was folding laundry and we were in the bedroom at the same time. She was putting away things and asked underwear in the top drawer? These were guy undies, and I said yes. She opened the drawer. I keep both types of panties in the same drawer. She smiled a little (noticing the black/white pair of polka dot panties on top) and then just put the others in the their spot. Nothing mentioned or said. I take that as improvement.

[Paulie Birmingham]

My wife found my duffel bag of stuff a few days before i got rid of it. How i still dont know. Led to talks and having thg he time of my life. Who would have thought

[Krisi]

The worst way to get caught is when your wife (who doesn't know or suspect) walks in and finds you fully dressed, with a wig, breast forms, hip and butt padding, a female outfit and heels prancing around the living room.

There's no good explanation for that.

[ronny0]

Worst way to get gaught?

Semi-undressed, with a stuck zipper.

AGREE, I have had a few outfits that I was able to get on, but not off w/o help.
Thankfully I have a supportive & understanding girlfriend.
Although she might laugh at me when I 'squeeze' into something and can't quiet squeeze out :-)
I do LOVE her for being their for me.

[Jane G]

Alternately, doesn’t defining a worst way to get caught allude that there is a best or better way to get caught? Caught is caught, it’s all bad for both parties. IMHO

I disagree. Getting caught releases the truth. That is where true happiness often lives. We just have to face it.

[Leslie Mary S]

also second the concept, getting the knowledge from a third person is the worse.

[abby054]

As a CD, I have tried most of what you suggested.
- catching him dressed
- finding a picture
- finding an email or website
- finding women's clothing
- hearing about it from others

Of these, the worst was telling her myself. She has used the information as a weapon for 45 years.

Next worse was hearing about it from others. My wife heard only a vague suggestion from our grown daughter. I took our daughter shopping and foolishly made suggestions about putting together her outfits. She mentioned to her mother that I had good fashion sense. Vesuvius erupted for several weeks.

The next worse was catching him dressed. The reaction was adverse but not nearly as violent or prolonged. She concluded that episode by announcing DADT. Less painful was finding an item of clothing that I left in a back closet. But she threatened to go through the house on a hunting expedition with our daughter when she planned to visit the next day. I moved all my finery to a storage unit late that night. It is still there twenty five years later.

Wife and daughter hacked my home computer to find a website in the history. Wife then posted it on my monitor and woke me from a nap to her accusations. I replaced the computer pronto and installed the tightest security commercially available. No problems there since. On my work computer, I never put anything that I would not be fine with everyone in the office.

Wife has not found a photo. Photos of me are rare. There is only one faceless photo of me on this forum. There are two more on a password protected site. All others are in hard copy and I have the only key to the steel container they are in.

[JulieC]

Abby, what you describe is nothing short of abusive. :(

[Wendy-Lyn]

@ JulieC:

My sentiments exactly.

I couldn't stay in a relationship like that.

[Mermaiden]

I feel my anxiety rising as I read some of these posts. Glad I came out to her first!
It, to answer the question, maybe a worst case scenario is for her to find out in a group setting. That makes open conversation really difficult.

[Stephanie47]

Abby (#28), I have to agree with the others that your wife is abusive. Further, if your daughter is a willing participant, I am throwing her in the same boat. I do have to wonder, since she has discovered all this information, what has she done with it? Has she weaponized it?

My wife and I are in DADT as I stated already in this thread.
Find an email or website? She found this site open when I stepped away for a moment and forgot to close it. Her reaction? She told me to be careful so a visitor would not stumble upon it, if visiting. No volcanic eruption.
Finding women's clothing? She has found on occasion a bra and panty inadvertently left out. She folded the garment and placed it out of sight on top of the washing machine. Again, just a reminder to me. No volcanic eruptions.

You're not in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. You're in a "Search and Destroy" relationship.

[Bianca Fay]

Being caught/discovered can be extremely traumatizing for both parties. I tend to use the term 'caught' not because the act of crossdressing itself is harmful or immoral, but rather because so many of us go to great lengths to keep this part of ourselves a secret. If you're keeping a secret from your wife and she discovers that secret on her own... then you've been caught.

Semantics aside, there is no good way for a CD to be unintentionally caught, nor is there a good way for a spouse to unintentionally find out.

Obviously the truly decent thing to do would be to initiate a conversation early on in the relationship. However, that's not what this post was about. The point of the post was to offer a cautionary dose of reality on how profoundly damaging the ways in which we get caught can be - both to our spouses as well as ourselves.

My ex-wife had the unfortunate experience of waking up next to her husband who was sound asleep wearing nothing other than a pair of her pantyhose. To say that the ensuing conversation was awkward would be the understatement of the century. She was very confused and very upset. I was apologizing like a madman, looking like a deer in the headlights the entire time. Like an idiot, I downplayed my hardwired urges and continued to secretly wear her pantyhose on many other occasions. She caught me many times.

Our relationship spiraled beyond repair. The trust was gone, and for all intents and purposes, I realized that my repeated actions were emotionally distressing to her. In turn, she resorted to becoming physical toward me. Whenever she caught me wearing pantyhose she would punch, slap, or kick me. On one occasion she threw a half-full coffee mug, hitting me in the chest. In addition to the physicality, she would constantly threaten to tell my entire family and all my friends my secret.

Basically I had reaped what I had sown with my clandestine behavior. The marriage came to an end eventually (thankfully!).

Years later we managed to have a reconciled friendship with the two of us admitting our past mistakes. She has since moved out of town and we no longer keep in touch but it was nice to have buried the hatchet on a good note.

Although we eventually found a modicum of peace, I still struggle with the shameful memories of my selfish actions during our marriage.

[Michala]

A few years ago I left a bra out and my wife discovered it. She came and asked me who's bra is this? I quickly decided the truth might be best so I admitted it was mine. She then asked why I had a bra. I admitted that I wanted to see what it was like to wear. She then commented that they were expensive. I then lied a little that it was a Walmart bra and wasn't all that expensive. She's pretty tiny so she doesn't shop at Lane Bryant where bras aren't cheap so she didn't check the brand. Her only comment was "I don't understand" and nothing has been said since. She's now retired and we're both home most days so my dressing is very little anymore. I was prepared to tell her more if she had asked but she never did and never found any more clothing.

[Di]

The very worst way for a wife or GG to find out would probably be someone else telling her. ( an ex, a neighbor ect)
Besides feeling betrayed, I think they would be mad, hurt and embarrassed by someone else knowing before they do.
As you may have noticed not many GGs have answered.
We do get some that find out by accident , but things get sorted one way or another and they are not here often then.
The core of us that stay here all were told by their partner - some before marriage some after.

[JennyMay]

I just feel so sad for my sisters for whom this is a hidden and a secret thing. For me it is something I can be open about and discuss with my wife. I know she doesn’t really understand what makes me want to do this (but then again neither do I) but she knows it is a need not just something I choose to do and she wants me to be happy. I feel so privileged.

[ReineD]

From a GGs perspective, what do you consider to be the worst way of finding out such a shattering discovery?
- catching him dressed
- finding a picture
- finding an email or website
- finding women's clothing
- hearing about it from others

These ways are all equally worse.

I would have felt betrayed that he had lied to me and this would have been devastating, even more so than finding out about the CDing. There is nothing worse in a relationship than loss of trust. If I had to find out years into our relationship, I would much rather that he told me himself rather than learning about this indirectly. I'm sure that he would explain why it had taken so long to tell me (embarrassment, shame, or the thought that it had just been a passing phase), and at least I would acknowledge his courage and maturity in telling me.

- - - Updated - - -


She has used the information as a weapon for 45 years.

Lest your story might deter anyone from telling their wife even after many years, I need to say that any wife who would use the info as a weapon for 45 years would likely have used something else if you had not been a CDer. Sounds like you both have long-standing relationship issues that have never been resolved. Marital problems are seldom one-sided. My sympathies to you both.

[Crystal120]

It always ends at the same place either way but coming from the outside seems the worst.