Had ?the talk? with SO! & Still alive! Haha

[BustyOlivia]

Decided to take the brave step and let my wife know that Olivia needs some time in my life. She was amazing and supporting my needs. Had the hard part of the talk where seems most SO go, the question about whether I truly want to be come and transition into Olivia. For me it?s always been just about escaping into another side of myself. I?ve felt like there are two people inside of me and we just take time in the physical sense. Not sure what any of that could really mean but now being able to explore without the shame and hiding. Still dream of a day where we have a girls day wine tasting together but for now, I?m ok with dadt!

[Kris Burton]

Glad to hear it went well Olivia. Just having release from the shame and hiding is huge, and can allow your alter ego the room to flourish without crushing stress. Was your SO aware of your dressing prior to this talk? It doesn't sound like you are truly DADT. From what I've read here, those that minimized the sneaking and came out more early and openly had greater success in their relationships, so perhaps you have that going for you as well. In any case, continued best wishes.

[alwayshave]

Olivia, I'm glad that your talk went well. Remember not to overwhelm her with everything that wants to come gushing out.

[Crissy 107]

Olivia, I agree with Jamie about not overwhelming her. We have seen that happen too many times.

[Maria 60]

I know at this point you want to jump in the race car and put the pedal to the metal but we also don't want to crash. My wife was ok when I told her but there was a phase when I was very aggressive, I thought let me put the bacon on while the pan was still hot. Instead it set me back a few steps because it was to fast to soon and overwhelmed her. I don't know you and your wife and you know your wife and how to approach it. The beauty of this site is we can give some real life experiences and what were red flags for us. It's the best news when the wife is accepting and hope it to hear much more positive and happy reading from you in the future. Thanks for sharing

[Aka_Donna]

it set me back a few steps because it was to fast to soon and overwhelmed her.


ditto !!!

[candykowal]

I am always interested to hear about husbands who tell their wives about their desires to present in a feminine manner.
All too often the whole thing goes south.
I know times are a changing for the better and people are more in tune today with being open, so there is a lot going for you in todays world.
I wish you and your spouse, the very best in keeping your love of each other the main topic of your life as husband and wife.
Don't ever stop being a husband first Olivia, it is the main reason she married you in the first place.
And lastly, enjoy your release from those think that stress us out as husbands and never forget you are lucky to still be married to a wonderful understanding woman.

[Pumped]

I agree with Candy and the rest. Take it slow, don't dump a bunch on her all at one time. Keep in mind you are her hubby first and make sure she gets that from you. Let her know you still lover her and are not going anywhere. She needs reassurance that her husband is still going to be there.

Last night we had a bit of a girls night. Today I wore women's skinny jeans and a men's t-shirt all day. My wife mentioned I had dressed down today, and I told her we got dressed up nice last night, you get in an a modified guy mode today! Even though I can dress around her as much as I want, I give her guy mode often too. Some days it is men's grubby jeans and an old work shirt, sometimes a bit more dressed up in guy wear.

[BustyOlivia]

Thanks for all the support girls! It?s just the beginning and for now she doesn?t want to know when I become Olivia so it?s known but not known and we?ll see how it works

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Oh I had to stop! I was about to show pictures of my new breastplate

[Teri Ray]

Best wishes to you and your wife Olivia. Take things slow and keep communicating. Both of you will likely find your boundaries for your dressing desires. As others have mentioned, it will be important to remain the loving partner you have always been.

[BTWimRobin]

Congrats on having the talk. Tread lightly. Wives have been known to go from accepting to DADT at the snap of a garter.

[Krisi]

Decided to take the brave step and let my wife know that Olivia needs some time in my life. She was amazing and supporting my needs. Had the hard part of the talk where seems most SO go, the question about whether I truly want to be come and transition into Olivia. For me it?s always been just about escaping into another side of myself. I?ve felt like there are two people inside of me and we just take time in the physical sense. Not sure what any of that could really mean but now being able to explore without the shame and hiding. Still dream of a day where we have a girls day wine tasting together but for now, I?m ok with dadt!

If you talked about it, why are you still calling it "DADT"? Did she insist that she not see you dressed?

I would try dressing in casual women's clothes and flats with your wig, forms and hip padding but little makeup and see how that goes. Dress like she dresses around the house.

[GretchenM]

It is a difficult situation, especially when that sense of two identities is present. Kind of like juggling running chain saws. The person struggling with that needs to gain some resolution and simplification of the apparent conflict. That tends to create an urgency and what appears to others as a kind of obsession. So there is a tendency to "fire hose" the people around you in an attempt to gain support. Problem is they don't experience the fracturing that we often experience at this point and sometimes the feeling that you are going crazy. That creates the tendency to overwhelm others which is a mistake most of the time and just creates a wall.

It appears that you may be at that point. She has indicated support but it appears the boundaries of that support have not been defined. I think you need to be cautious about overwhelming her with this need, as others have suggested. Been there, done that fire hose thing. It doesn't work. Your use of the expression "... escaping into another side of myself." could be a sign of a tendency to become overwhelming with the seeking of support. If it has not happened, it would be good to sit down with her and have another talk that allows her to define how that support works and what her boundaries are so you can adjust to that and keep the tendency to overwhelm her under control and thus possibly antagonize her. A negotiation of the support terms seems to be where you are.

My wife and I did that at the beginning and we stuck to it fairly well at the beginning. But it has been expanded a little since then, but not much. It is working fairly smoothly but I do not dress all the way in front of her. I know she does not want to participate in that. Not my ideal but in a relationship it is rare to get your personal ideal.

As for wanting to transition or not, I suggest you get with a gender therapist to explore that, but only after you have settled into a bit of a pattern with your relationship with your wife and be sure to discuss that step with her before you find the therapist so you don't make her think she doesn't matter in your decisions. Transitioning, depending on how far you wish to go with that, can be a very difficult and expensive process. The point is, don't push yourself forward faster than you can comfortably adjust to. Going too fast can be like falling into a big bowl of spaghetti.

I think you are on the right track, but perhaps you are experiencing the tendency to move too fast for both you and her. That's risky. Take a longer look at the larger picture and see where this is in the larger context of the course of your lives together.

[kimdl93]

Given how the conversation seems to have gone, it appears you are in something better than DADT. DADT implies not talking about it, but the conversation has begun. Now at least you know it is safe to talk, so please continue to talk, allowing plenty of opportunity for your SO to express her thoughts, her concerns and maybe even what she might find positive about what she has learned (including from the obvious honestly and trust you have displayed). If the conversations happen occassionally, then time and patience are your best tools.

[docrobbysherry]

So, now it begins for u, Olivia!:straightface:

Best of luck. You'll need it!:heehee:

[Heather76]

Glad to hear your wife seems to be understanding of your desire to let Olivia out of the closet. The most important thing is the dialogue has begun and you don't have to feel any guilt or shame for keeping a secret from her. Where it goes from here will be a matter of how far you want to take it and how accepting she will be. The advice to take it slow is good except for 1 thing. How slow is slow and how fast is fast? I've been on this journey a short 21 months. Everything is out in the open with my wife of 38 years. I'm sure some people think I pushed too fast. I may have; but, my wife is accepting. She is not supportive in that she's not ready to go shopping with me nor will she buy me dresses, bras, etc. Nonetheless, when I had the talk, a huge burden on my shoulders was removed. Good for you. Good luck on your journey.

[mykell]

congratz on having the nerve to tell, you say your ok with DADT.... i never was and pushed for more disclosure....she is not going to buy me lipsticks or tops as gifts and that is OK.

she did describe what i did as getting myself out of the closet and putting her in one.....makes sense, who can she talk about this with, confide in, not many she will trust with her new secret.

so if you want to talk more and im sure you will if your like me....i never assumed anything was OK because it was DADT, i wanted to make sure all was ok and had a conversation with her before i ventured out and tried new things....

iv been to keystone, finances were not their this year....had my own meet-up i hosted....ventured to other support venues and now volunteer at a thrift store with her blessing.....it was not permission....it was merely communication.....never assume....it will only complicate things....enjoy not being in hiding....

[DianeT]

Olivia, the way you phrase your first sentence, it's not clear if you came out to your SO for the first time or if she already had some intel about your CDing. Did she know some bits already?

[BustyOlivia]

She knew some bits from a long time ago but it was a one time thing I told her about and hasn?t been brought up again in almost 20 years

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I wish I could fully dress in front of her. But she doesn?t want to when I dress or anything so that?s why don?t ask don?t tell (just don?t ask when and I won?t tell when) my dream would be to be Olivia in front of her and we have a best friend relationship as girls but that will remain a dream unless she suggests something. I won?t ever put that on her

[P_Alexis]

Glad to hear Olivia. As it has been mentioned, take it slow. Don't hop in the 2500hp street car & go from 0 - 200 mph in seconds.