Cheri was shut now today

[cheri]

I have been coming here for years. I am not one that has posted much but I have read every post here. Tonight, I was exploded. Having been married for 48 years, my wife executed Cheri. We dated thru high school and college. During college she found out about Cheri. No problem. After college we got married. Even on honeymoon, she painted my nails and put mascara on me. After that for the next 48 years, she purchased 90% of my clothes, shoes and make up. She was so supportive. Even this past weekend I dressed fully to the max. No complaints. Then tonight, BANG. She unloaded on me. Said she never approved. I was far from being normal. I was blown backwards. I ask why now? Why now? Why tell me now? After all you have done, you seemed supportive. Now you shoot me down? I am at a lost. A part of me, a huge part of me, no longer exist. I guess Cheri will cease to exist. Thanks for letting vent.

[Linda K.]

What was her response when you asked her?

[Kris Burton]

Unless you started doing something radically different, someone or something got to her to change her mind. I guess my biggest concern though is what all of this means going forward for you and your relationship with your wife.I think you ought to discuss all of this with her, find out what is bringing it on, maybe clear up something that has been brewing for many years.

[cheri]

That she never approved. I am confused myself. Actions prove otherwise. Why so supportive, then, BAM, it's s problem. I have dressed forever in front of her. Gone on rides in car. Out of town dressed, I am so confused. We went to Gulfport to the casino, and I was dressed, no problem. I am lost.

[Pumped]

Talk about a loss of trust!

We usually hear it from the other direction!

It has to be a terrible feeling after years of acceptance.

A long talk and perhaps professional help is in order.

[Mary Loo]

Cheri,

I am so sorry for you. I don’t know what to write or say to help other than that sounds rough. I wish the best for you and hope you get further answers to the sudden change in attitude.

[Heather76]

I am heartbroken to read your account, Cheri. I cannot imagine what is the cause of such a sudden shift in her position. Most marital issues I suspect are the result of money, sex, or fidelity issues. To have such a drastic and immediate change, there is more going on than "I've never approved of it." Is it possible, and I hate to even suggest this, that she is looking for a way out of the marriage for greener pastures? I would agree with Pumped that it is definitely time for a long talk and quite possibly professional help. I wish you well and hope you will keep us somewhat informed should you get to the root cause of this change. I'd hate to think this could happen to others. Best of luck.

[Stephanie47]

If I experienced a complete turn around with no reason given I wonder about her mental state. Perhaps there is some other issues that are not known to you, e.g. health? Some outside person butting into your wife's and your personal life? You deserve an explanation. Let her cool down for several days, then ask her again.

[AngelaYVR]

I always wonder about what's not being said. Did she stumble upon something unsavoury?

[Sabine Janus]

Something else is at play. After that amount of time, its not the dressing.

What is the part not on the table? Is there another source of conflict between you two or did something change with her/your situation?

[Shelly Preston]

I have to say a long truthful discussion is required. It may need to be done over days or weeks. Counselling might also be required.
You also have to be truthful with yourself, can you actually live without Cheri. Be careful of making promises you cant keep.

After all you have said, it seems something must have triggered this response from your wife. I wish you both best wishes on finding a solution which makes you both happy.

[Micki_Finn]

This might be hard to hear, but she was never supportive. She was trying to make you happy. Do you understand the difference? She was doing what she thought she had to do to keep you content in order to keep the marriage going. She loves you but not necessarily what you do. So no, this isn’t her doing a 180, she’s just finally at the end of her rope.
I’m sorry this happened, but now you need to be focusing on your relationship and the decisions ahead.

- - - Updated - - -


If I experienced a complete turn around with no reason given I wonder about her mental state. Perhaps there is some other issues that are not known to you, e.g. health? Some outside person butting into your wife and your personal life? You deserve an explanation. Let her cool down for several days, then ask her again.

Please don’t gaslight your wife. She’s not “crazy” and no one has “gotten to her”.

[girlyman1977]

Although I do agree we shouldn't gaslight the wife you do need to concede that she shouldn't have waited 48 years to finally say she had enough either. I have seen with my parents how 30+ years of unresolved trauma comes to the surface with negative interest.

I am sure there is more to the story. But again you don't wait almost 50 years to start laying down boundaries.

[char GG]

Hi cheri,

This is a good place to vent. My thought is similar to what others have said here. There is more to the story.

When things calm down, you should probably have another talk with her and find out what caused the change of attitude.

[Claire_Bordeaux]

I fail to understand, she never approved?? So sad.

[ziggie]

I hesitate to even bring this up as I am a very "you do you and I'll do me" sort of person but has there been a recent change in religious affiliation of any sort? Even a new pastor with different ideas can change some people dramatically. She may be acting in what she sees as good conscience after years of tolerating what she now sees as inappropriate behavior. It wouldn't even have to be based in religion, it could be something as simple as a new friend with different beliefs causing her to entertain thoughts she had avoided/repressed for years.

Best of luck working through this.

[kimdl93]

48 years is a long time. Its impossible to say for certain what precipitated this moment. If she is speaking honestly now, then she has been deceiving you for 48 years. But it is possible that something else is affecting her. Make no assumptions about the future, and at least for the moment, do not let this outburst make discolor your past life together. Somthing else may be happening.

[Di]

As we do not know your wife can only speculate.
I think she loves you and want you to be happy so she went along with it.
We do not now if you went overboard or if you thought too much about her Cheri And not your wife.
If you didn’t read the signs
If there’s other things upsetting and she’s focusing on this
If you took her going along with things but really did not communicate with her
We really have no idea
But I do think you should have an honest talk / do not say you will stop because I doubt if you can work out something agreeable with her.
Find out why she went from one end to the other.
Like other suggested get a counselor if you’re unable to get things in the open by yourself.
I am speculating but I think she tried and tried ( out of love)but That really wasn’t her thing and you might have been too caught up in yourself to realize. Only say this as I do not know you or your wife but have seen this repeatedly.
Talk -sort it out -show you love her more than anything
Best Wishes to you both

[Cheryl T]

there certainly must be more to the story.
After all this time it seems so odd that she would just do an about face.

[TAG]

I kind of think there is more to the story.

[Pumped]

I agree with the other comments that something more is going on. Something has changed in her life that has brought a change in her attitude.

[Stephanie47]

"Please don't gaslight your wife. She's not "crazy" and no one has "gotten to her."

As I said, the big "if." Having been married for over fifty years to the same woman, when there has been some sudden change in behavior there is usually a reason. It's hard for me to believe a woman would play along for forty-eight years to keep hubby happy without her in some way projecting her disapproval. Possible, but I am not buying it. I will admit my "if" did not take into account the possibility there is some irritant that has come to light that is outside the wife's acceptance. Maybe, pure speculation, hubby has sent less than flattering photos to someone. But, I was talking about myself, not the OP.

PM: Just to add a clarification. When my wife projected meekly that she was not on board with my cross dressing, I reflect upon it and decided, whether she protested or not, it was nothing short of spousal mental abuse. I did not need a detailed and prolonged list of grievances. That was in the mid 1980's. I'd have to be pretty dense to misread her. OK, I have to admit I have known women who have taken crap from their husbands for a very long time before the straw that broke the camel's back occurred. But, what is the straw? What is the bridge too far? When my wife was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer (the worst to have) she was not going to take crap off anyone.

[Debbie Denier]

Definitely a heart to heart talk required. I feel sorry for you . I was shut down immediately after my wife found stashed clothes. But your case is different. Wonder if there is any chance of a compromise. DADT?Maybe she has just had enough. I think you are at least owed an explanation.

[Dutchess]

I want you to read what Micki said. Read it a second time, every single word on that post....
Even the gaslighting part ...
I know thats what it is because I was there too and I tried so hard, for so long, so I wouldnt be hated/called names PLUS trying to keep my marriage together was just too much and I melted down.. alot of resentment.
48years is a long time..

And as for "not being able to live without Cheri??? Seriously ??? Cheri is not actually real..his wife is. Cheri may be a persona of the OP but thats it.

[Aunt Kelly]

It's impossible for us to say, but this turnabout seems like an excuse or rationalization for other, not-yet-expressed grievances.

[docrobbysherry]

Cheri, maybe you're thinking about this wrongly?:straightface:

U should be thanking your lucky stars that you've had 48 years of support for your dressing!:love:

Now, u have to live like most married CD's do. DADT, hiding, lying, guilt, etc. etc!:doh:

[Larissa Cassandra]

I guess Cheri will cease to exist.

No matter how you and your wife resolve this unexpected development in your relationship, Cheri will always exist! You may need to compromise on your dressing, but if you try to let Cheri "cease to exist," it will probably be more painful in the long run. Cheri has been a big part of you and she isn't ever going away..... Hugs, Larissa

[Di]

Cheri, maybe you're thinking about this wrongly?:straightface:

U should be thanking your lucky stars that you've had 48 years of support for your dressing!:love:

Now, u have to live like most married CD's do. DADT, hiding, lying, guilt, etc. etc!:doh:


No matter how you and your wife resolve this unexpected development in your relationship, Cheri will always exist! You may need to compromise on your dressing, but if you try to let Cheri "cease to exist," it will probably be more painful in the long run. Cheri has been a big part of you and she isn't ever going away..... Hugs, Larissa

I love our members here!
Both great responses and so true.
Plus no matter you have us here to vent.

[JulieC]

I strongly concur with others have said about Cheri still every much existing. This has been you for decades. Not that it could disappear, but it isn't going to disappear after a single event like this. Repressed, yes. Gone, no. Cheri, I think docrobbysherry is right too; be thankful for the 48 years you did have with Cheri being accepted. Now, it's off to Don't Ask, Don't Tell land. Very unfortunate.

I also agree with what others have said that there's something more going on here. We don't know what anymore than you do of course, but SOMEthing is going on. The notion that she never accepted Cheri is provably false.

[alwayshave]

Cheri, I am so sorry this happened to you. I. would attempt to speak with her probing why this came out all of a sudden.

[April Rose]

If she changed her mind suddenly this way she could also change her mind suddenly the other way. It's important that you listen carefully and keep communication open.

[TAG]

Not sure what gaslighting even means.
Did your wife catch you doing something online that you shouldn't have? I could see her getting mad over something like that.

[jennifer easton]

Nothing more can be said ,but all that has been was good advice, so sorry for your paine so hope it turns out for the best love ya Jenn! xoxoxox

[AngelaYVR]

Cheri is not responding. Without hearing from her wife, we just have to rely on the tried and true method of knowing that there are two sides to every story. Experience tells me that people leave out important details to make themselves look innocent.

[Marsha Louise]

This is such an unfortunate situation especially after so many years of supposed tolerance, but my guess is that you may have passed a tipping point in your activity, and regaining a balance - and your wife's trust - may not be easy. I've done this myself a couple of times, imagining everything was fine, when suddenly my SO calls me out with a "reality check" and very abruptly retrieves me from the pink fog.
It's easy to confuse tolerance with acceptance, and occasionally wander past the behavioral boundaries. Ideally, we can retrace our steps safely, with no harm done, but sadly, sometimes we cannot.
I wish you and your wife a full and swift recovery, Cheri.

[MaryAnn1963]

Just a guess, but the same happened to me... Someone, some where, said/did something to a CD that she saw and was terrified that she would be "embarrassed" in the same way.....

[Pumped]

If someone would make some snide comment about a CD'er in public I am pretty sure they would get an ear full from my wife. She doesn't take well to people putting down others.

[Stephanie47]

Not sure what gaslighting even means.

It's always a problem to use one word to describe something that requires a long explanation. I had to look up "gaslighting" and still remain confused. I tend to think in sentences and paragraphs.

[Marsha Louise]

I know this may be off-topic, but my understanding of gaslighting is when someone covertly plays subtle mind games with another in an attempt to manipulate that person's sense of their own self and sanity. Basically it's a sneaky way to convince another person that they've gone crazy, when in actual fact they have not.

[delta47]

This might be hard to hear, but she was never supportive. She was trying to make you happy. Do you understand the difference? She was doing what she thought she had to do to keep you content in order to keep the marriage going. She loves you but not necessarily what you do. So no, this isn?t her doing a 180, she?s just finally at the end of her rope.
I?m sorry this happened, but now you need to be focusing on your relationship and the decisions ahead.

- - - Updated - - -



Please don?t gaslight your wife. She?s not ?crazy? and no one has ?gotten to her?.

Sure sounds like a well comsidered answer

[Paulie Birmingham]

Good luck.

Im sure there is more to the story but if After 48 years of "acceptance ", you go through this, the rest of us are probably a bit nervous.

I went through this a bit. My wife was tolerating some things and i crossed an undefined boundary. But she tolerated and played along bc she loves me. We had a talk and ive dialed some things back. We will have another talk but with all the things going on with work, family, kids, etc. This is not the time. She doesn't want me stop so thats good. She stikl encoured me to wear my booties to dinner and stuff.

We are having a great time now. I am just spending more of it naked than in a teddy or panties.

[LingerieLuvr]

I don't post much, but I do read most of the threads, and as I was reading yours, I had an immediate thought when you explained your event, and it seemed extremely bizarre for such a radical turnabout.
Just doing some basic math, your ages are around 70-ish, and this day and age, is not "old", but obviously we all start having physical ailments as we age. Has she had a recent sickness or overall change in her demeanor or attitude in general? A lot has been mentioned about something more in play here, and I agree, but it might be something completely unexpected.
That kind of significant change in direction, indicates a break of some sort in the thinking processes.
I would say observe, and if there are clues of a change in mental acuity, your concern may ultimately be for her health.

Good luck and hope all comes to a good result.

[cheri]

Thank you all for your input. As of yet, we have not had a conservation about her remarks. Having a huge family wedding out of state, we acted as if all was fine and great. I am still lost as to how to start the conversation. Not have sure how she could react. I have played it out in my mind. I look back and I have missed changes in her I should have seen. I think there is more than I thought. Her fault or mine. We shall see. Thanks for all for your advice and thoughts.

[Debs]

Cheri,

There is a reason why her attitude has changed, this might hurt, 1 shes found someone else, 2 she finds it repulsive, 3 she wants a man not someone one dresses in womens clothes
now its not the end of the world, but just see it from her point of view as I described, take a deep breath, ask her , yes ask her, make it clear what you want and how far you want to go with your dressing, phew said a whole lot of things to do there that normally take years to sink in or do

[MiniRock]

I'm just wondering if she wants out of the marriage - maybe because she feels life is passing her by - and is using your cross dressing as the easiest way to justify to herself her disloyalty at this late stage in the game. Easier than taking the blame herself.