Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand. [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

BRINA

04-09-2006, 09:08 AM

Oh where do i begin? A couple of months ago i found out my husband of only a few months was a cross dresser by finding a ton of clothes in his trunk. I was mortified. How could this be? You have a son. I have a daughter and i do not want this type of relationship. Don't get me wrong these were my thoughts at that moment. I am not insulting anyone. But we have the ideal life, 2 kids a cat a dog great jobs a beautiful home and now this?? Of course at that moment i said "it is over you know that right?" his response was i expected that. He has been married 2 times before and they found out and left him. Low and behold he had told me that they left for other reasons. Anyway i decided to stick it out because of the children i mean i would jump in front of a truck for them so why not sacrifice myself for their happiness. So i asked him to get rid of the clothes and think of the kids. Well i thought he did i saw them in the trash and then last week i was supposed to go away for a meeting and i had a sick feeling that he was up to something so decided to swing by the house to see and you betcha the clothes were laying on the bed. Ok guys/gals what is this i need to understand. I feel so lost so confused. I do not find the female race attractive at all, thus my dilemma with this situation. I love the male race the masculinity and the security they present. With my husband i never have felt this feeling, if i broke up with him he would cry. I dont cry with him or any other man. he is emotional. Me i could care less when it comes to relationships. Dont cry just move on whats the big deal? I almost didnt marry him because he was so emotional and sensitive and i need a man that is stronger than me and truth be told i am pretty strong, so strong that i too have been questioned of my sexuality by outsiders, but i love love men..anyway this is not about me but about my kids.. I do not like the dressing and many of you have said that your wives have found out. How do we cope? Is it that he wants to be with a man? I did find out that he took a toy and used it but said he did not like it. He said he is not attracted to men. But then why would you dress like that? I do not understand and need you guys/gals to help me. Please....sorry this is so long..and all i can say is thank you to all those who respond..

Julie York

04-09-2006, 09:18 AM

Well here is a bit to get you going and then when you calm down a notch or two (and stop using capitals to shout!) you'll be better prepared.

Most crossdressers are NOT gay.
Most crossdressers do not want to be a woman.
Most crossdressers have NO IDEA why they have this urge. It is something they are born with. Would you leave your husband because you found out he was colour blind from birth? He can't help it.

And remember....It is ONLY CLOTHING!! he didn't kill anyone!

If you are looking for genuine information and understanding then this is the right forum for it.

I wish you luck.

RenaCD

04-09-2006, 09:29 AM

Brina First off take a Breath and then another one, and you are right the kids are the most important thing, on the planet right now and always will be. Listen to what Julie York said to start and you have come too the right place to start . Now give him a Hug and one for yourself. There are lots of resources here and you'll find that to be true shortly.
Read what you can here and keep a level head we are all here for you and yours!

Big Hugs RenaCD

Tamara Croft

04-09-2006, 09:57 AM

Hiya

First off, welcome to the forum. I've moved this thread here, as I think you will get a lot more advice in this section.

You are in a situation most GG's have been in. The shock, the mixed feelings etc, but it all can be dealt with given time. You have come to the right place, there are many GG's here that will help you. There is also a private area that I'm going to PM you about. First of all, you need to know that crossdressing or being transgendered is not something that one can just stop for the sake of anyone. It's not an illness, it's something most men/women are born with.

Society I'm afraid will give you the wrong impression of what being transgendered means, but I'm hoping that we can all educate you and help you learn about your husband. Juile is right, she has made some good points. Wearing womens clothing does not make someone gay, it is something inside them that has grown with them probably from being small. You need to sit down and talk to him about it. Ask him when it all started, why it started, has he always been a CD. Don't throw away your relationship without first getting to know all the facts and at least getting some help and advice here first.

Tam x

Shelly Preston

04-09-2006, 10:05 AM

Hi BRINA
Don't Panic
Welcome to our community
Now to the questions. First you need to keep communicating with your husband.
Crossdressing is something you husbamd needs to do. If it had been otherwise the clothes would have been thrown away. Many here have tried that and it has cost them a fortune in time and money.
However it does not mean that he loves you any less because of this.
I imagine he was petrified of telling you and did not want to lose you.
As has been said the vast majority of crossdressers are hetrosexual.
it does seem unlikely he is gay or want to be with a man or why get married.

He probably just feels he needs to express his feminine side. As you have said you are not attracted to women. You may eventually feel you have gained a gf to discuss fashion with but nothing else.
I assume he will want you to accept his dressing , which may not be easy for you. If you do you have a few choices
These are the most obvious
Let him dress when no one else is around including you.
Let him dress when no one else is except you.

You will need to have a lot of discussions with you husband

Last but not least have a private conversation with some of the genetic girls here.
There are lots of things to read which will be posted by others.

Good luck for the future

midwest GG

04-09-2006, 10:19 AM

First off, I would like to say hello, and from personal experience, you have deff. came to the right place for a little advice!! I am a GG who has been recently in your situation. I had the same feelings as you. All of the advise so far is correct. Your husbands CDing does not, in any way shape or form, change who he is, and who you fell in love with. He obviously has been doing it for a very long time, and it is a part of him. If you decide that you want to make it work, ask ?'s, set out ground rules, and COMMUNICATE!!! No, it does not make him gay, and it does not mean that he is less attracted to you. He just likes the way that woman's clothes look and feel on him. It has not affected your life together before you found out, and only you can make sure it doesn't affect your life together after you found out. Some people can't handle it, and that is perfectly fine. Me on the other hand, I love and respect my husband too much to have something that is a significat part of his life, ruin our happiness together. It is a choice that only you can make. Good luck!!

Jennaie

04-09-2006, 10:20 AM

Hi Brina:

I am not going to go on with a long rant about why, we don't know why. It is like me asking you why you are the way you are, you just are.

I do know that the clothing in his trunk was there not so much because he was hiding it from you but because he was protecting you and your children from having to know.

I will leave the rest of this for the GG's to help you deal with it. I am not a GG and I can't see things from their viewpoint. I know this must be a very difficult thing for you, but there are GG's here who were in your same shoes and have come to be tolerant and some even enjoy their spouses dressing.

I wish you luck and understanding.

Wenda

04-09-2006, 10:32 AM

Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of support and suggestions here. The first thing to realize is that, as the others have said, crossdressing does NOT mean your husband is gay. I rediscovered dressing two years ago. I am 58. I immediately shared it with my girl friend, who was not too keen on it, but kept an open mind. I didnt dress when I saw her, but told her what I was doing when she asked. On an out-of-town weekend, I took some panties, a thong, a bra, and small breast forms. I also gave her a present of a very sexy teddy. After we checked in, I dressed in my girly things, under my male clothes, and we went shopping. She got right into it. We bought a pair of boots for me (in my avatar), a very sexy tight pair of knee high boots for her, some jewellery for me, a little purse for me, a very sexy bra for her. Her alter ego, Jaya, began to emerge. Jaya is the dominatrix and Wenda is submissive, and I think it helps her put an abusive relationship behind her.
Discuss it openly and honestly, try to keep calm. Set some rules, and see where it takes you. Good luck. Keep us posted.:thumbsup:

stephanie100

04-09-2006, 10:45 AM

A question none of us can answear we do what we do, from an early age for some others later but everyone is right it is something we cannot stop. You must have some feelings for him, He is the same man you married its just that he is a carmelian and turns into a femail from time to time. He does not fancy men as most of us dont. some of us will change and have a operation. others will never have it. Have a coffee or tea and calm down and talk quitly and gently try not to get in an argument try to find what he wants from his fem side and if he is not a member here the please urge him to become one.
Steph

BRINA

04-09-2006, 10:46 AM

Well, I Cant Thank You Guys Enough For Replying. I Know That This Is Not Easy For Anyone. But I Just Do Not Get It?? I Mean It When I Say That I Can Accept People For Who They Are But I Have A Major Quirk. I Really Think Women Are Gross..i Love A Man.. An Aggressive Dominating Male..thus This Really Sets Me Apart..i Hate Dresses..rarely Wear Them..they Restrict My Ability To Dominate And Control Things...thus The Clothes He Wears Are Far From Appealing..i Am The Cutsie Prep..i Would Permanetly Mark A Polo On My Ankle If I Could..i Am The Typical Soccer Mom..love Gucci..and Just A Typical Country Club Born Girl.and The Clothes He Had Are Slinlky Clothes, Clothes That To Me Constitute A Cheap Trashy Female. There Is Nothing Sexy About It..old Female Lesson Those Who Wear Trash Are Trash..i Told Some Of My Friends About It And Actually Thru It Out There As A What If Your Husband Did This To Some Of My Friends And They All Said The Same Thing No Way Would I Stay..it Just Takes A Way A Necessary Security That A Woman Desires..and What About Us? Our Feelings? We Are Supposed To Be The Girls And The Guys The Guys. I Want A Man To Just Take Control. Not An Emotional Person And If You Are Born With This Per Say Then What Is It?are You Too Wanting A Woman To Be That Way With You?? Because That Is Not Fair To Do To Someone. Dont Put On An Act..it Really Hurts Guys/gals. I Am Supposed To Accept This And Support Him Emotionally, What About My Needs?? I Wont Leave, Cant The Kids, Wont Cheat Because Of The Kids, Stilling Having Sex With Him But Craving A Man...have Told Him This But He Still Is Sensitive In Bed. So That Is Lalala To Me..have Tried Talking To Him Many Times.. But Dont Think I Am Getting The Truth, I Mean Really Do I Trust What He Says Is The Truth?? If You Found Out Your Wife Was Cheating On You(which To Me Cross Dressing Is Cheating, For If You Are Married Then All Your Fantasy Should Coexist With Your Spouse) Would You Trust Her? I Am Not Trying To Be Argumentative. I Am Mad, I Am Sad And Maybe I Just Made A Mistake And Am Angry At Myself For It.

Julie Avery

04-09-2006, 10:47 AM

Brina, my friends who've posted above this entry have said a lot of good things that I won't add to, I just want to say "Hi". It's good to have you here and I hope you'll stay here with us!

Julie

Dana

04-09-2006, 11:59 AM

Just a note for the group ~ not everyone that types in ALL CAPS is screeming ~ there are many that just lack the necessary keyboard skills to use the shift key over and over. There is also the handicapped. 0.02

Joy Carter

04-09-2006, 12:01 PM

We are here for you Brina just give it time and look over the information that is available we all know from where we/you speak. Julie and the others feel the same as I do it is so hard to imagine your SO being this way but it's no joke it's real and it pains him to. Knowledge is power and you have it here at your disposal plus the people here who want nothing but the best for you. Just talk read and talk some more it's not an overnight thing.

Love Joy Carter

Kitty Sue

04-09-2006, 12:02 PM

Hi Brina and let me say welcome to you and please "Keep coming back." Does your husband know about this site as maybe it could help answer some of his questions and fears too.

Anyway I wish you and your family all the best. Also stop beating yourself up as your trying to do the right thing for you, your children and your husband. It is great that you are looking for answers.:)

Oh and as for CDs not being manly well you maybe surprised. I am a combat soldier in Iraq. If you saw me you would probably think "Wow" what a manly man. My hair is dirty and I am covered in dirt, blood and sweat, my skin is tanned dark by the Iraqi sun and I have a knife on my chest and a machine gun in my hands. I'm chewing gum, spitting and barking orders at my soldiers, I have not shaved in 2 days and myself and my fellow soldiers laugh loudly as we tell dirty jokes and wrestle one another. Yep that's all me and who would guess that I also like to wear womens clothes, heels and make up?

BRINA

04-09-2006, 12:04 PM

I do apologize. I am not an inept typer and have never been on a chat goup. I am here because I need help and understanding. I need you guys to talk to me with the truth no bull or smoothing it over. I was not shouting and as said I was unaware of this curtosy. Hey I am learning other things on this site..Thank you..

Sedona

04-09-2006, 12:06 PM

Whew BRINA,

You're in for a rough road. There's lots I want to say, but I'll just go with my feeling that your need to "dominate and control. . ." dictates your helplessness regarding your husband's dressing. This is certainly one part of his life that you feel utterly helpless to control.

Maybe it's not going to work out between you two, maybe it is. But, one thing that is going to help things immensely, is to stop talking this over with your friends/family etc. . ., until you resolve things with your hubby, and he has your blessing on this. There's a reason most of us keep the secret from most everyone. In most locales, society is less accepting of CDing that just about any legal activity you can think of.

Best of luck!

BRINA

04-09-2006, 12:20 PM

EricaCD

04-09-2006, 12:21 PM

Brina - best advice in this thread so far: take a deep breath. You do not need to completely sort this out in 24 hours. The process of coming to terms with your discovery (or alternately, not coming to terms) is going to take some time. Don't rush it. You have had a very serious shock, and that's no time to be making long term decisions.

First: what everyone said above is correct. The fact that your husband crossdresses does not automatically mean that he is gay. It does not automatically mean that he wants to be a woman. It does not have anything to do with you, who you are, what you represent or what you may/may not bring to the relationship. His inclination long predated his involvement with you, and it will in all likelihood carry through to his grave.

Second: he cannot change. Many CDs in this group have "purged" their clothes, and may have avoided dressing for long periods of time. Even those few who have succeeded - usually at some cost to their mental well-being - still think about it; they just don't act on the impulse.

It appears that your concern run to three main categories:

1. Anger over not being told about this, and further anger when your husband did not purge his clothes upon your demand. Fair enough to be angry about this. It's a major thing to hide. I hid it from my wife for years (even though I knew she had no moral or social opposition to crossdressing in general), and that was the single worst mistake I ever made in our marriage. Like any deception in a marriage, this will take time to work through. I do, however, disagree with your characterization of this as tantamount to adultery.

2. Concerns about what this means with regard to your husband's sexual identity. This is the subject where I believe you can get the most help from this message board.

3. A general distaste for feminine traits, resulting in outrage that your (already borderline feminized) spouse has gone even further than you anticipated. Again, fair enough for you to feel this way and it will take time to sort this out. By the way: while many of the CDs here do in fact dress to give further expression to a highly feminized self, that is not always the case.

In future posts, if you are seeking information you will get a higher quality of answer if you try to keep your inquiries to a single topic. On the other hand, if you just need to get it off your chest, we are here to listen: let it all come out. All of us have been through this in one form or another, and most of us are still going through it.

One minor tip: I would refrain from telling anyone else about your discovery for a while - at least until you have really sorted out your feelings. It is impossible to put that genie back in the bottle, and you may decide later on that this is something you would rather keep between your husband and you.

Best of luck,
Erica

ashlee chiffon

04-09-2006, 12:28 PM

from the intensity of your emotional discriptions of whats going on, probably the Only thing that will work now is outside professional help. A therapist will be neutral and try to work thru both sides of this to reach some common center that the two of you might live with. He probably won't change and you probably need to understand that and accept it in some manner...or move on. If you look a at all the threads here, you will see that being a crossdresser is very complicated and there is much complexity involved and the intensity varies with the individual. The common aspect most of us share, is that a lot of us Have tried to quit, only to go back to dressing, in some form.The guilt with hiding this is a heavy one, but It's in us and the trick is to live with it and not letting it control us to the extent of ruining our lives or ruining our relationships...
I've been in a couple of accepting relationships, and they were great fun as long as i respected my mates feelings and needs and worked the dressing into the relationship...I can be both masculine And sensitive...working with a balance of the two...
He has to work with you on this, and you have to work with him...just like with all other aspects of a relationship. The children need not know anything if it is confined to the bedroom...maybe just wearing panties is something acceptible? If nothing is acceptible, to ANY degree, then dont be surprised if a therapist tells the two of you to move on in different directions...please try to be a little accepting and it will help him and you in this!

Sage GG

04-09-2006, 12:29 PM

Brina,
Welcome to the forum this is the place that you can get some of your questions answered and even more importantly you can learn what questions to ask. When I found out after "Are you Gay?" and "what's next" the threads here helped me to ask the questions so we could work out the answers together.

One thing you wrote was that you need him to be a man, He is still a man, its your perception that has changed. He is the same person he always was he just happens to have another side to him that you have discovered. You don't have to embrace that side but if you chose to you can at least work with it. There really are many benefits to having a CDer for a hubby. Talk to him, see if you both can work it out. PM me if you need anything and if you would like to please think about joining the GG forum so you can chat with people who have "been there".

Sedona

04-09-2006, 12:40 PM

BRINA,

Thanks for the clarification. The prevailing sentiment on the site seems to be that it'd be good to take a moment, have a cup of tea, take a walk (or ten) and things will start to make more sense. By all means, ask your man lots of questions. You're absolutely doing the right thing by posting here. I wish my GF would do the same.

GLuck!

Julie York

04-09-2006, 12:41 PM

Hi Brina.
I appreciate your feeling of betrayal and it must be a horrible shock to think you have been lied to all this time. But most of us keep it a secret because of the fear of someone reacting EXACTLY LIKE YOU reacted.

If you had a secret that you were ashamed of...a secret that you had no choice over because you were born that way....a secret that could cause you to lose the person you love most in the world.....a secret that could make you a laughing stock in your community and maybe even lose you your job (you should NOT tell anyone else about this by the way!).....Well...that's what your husband has been living with ALL his life.

That's what your husband ran round his head time and time and time again when he met you and fell in love with you. And the decision he came to was that you were too precious to lose and he DAREN'T risk telling you.

Also, please do stay and get further advice from the people here because it is clear that you have some common misconceptions about what someone IS just because they secretly like to express a 'forbidden' part of their personality. There are as many versions and variations of this as there are differences in people. In order to understand your own situation and cope with it you need to have a wider understanding of the whole business of crossdressing.

Good luck.

Julie Avery

04-09-2006, 12:52 PM

I bopped back in here to say that I think your feelings of betrayal are perfectly legitemate, and that it's good for CD's to see a reaction like yours - I believe we owe women in your position an explanation. I was also going to say that I would have been simply incapable of overcoming my own sense of shame about this side of who I am, and revealing it to anyone on earth, until recent years. Happily, Julie York made the point ahead of me, and wonderfully clearly.

I also think EricaCD made two vital points:

"You do not need to completely sort this out in 24 hours."

"In future posts, if you are seeking information you will get a higher quality of answer if you try to keep your inquiries to a single topic."

That second point of Erica's is not a criticism, just sort of "tech advice" about how communication happens in forums like this, where it's very difficult to make more than one point in a single post.

Again, I think it's good, for us, and for you, that you're here, and speaking your mind.

Shelly Preston

04-09-2006, 01:11 PM

Hi Brina

Apologies if my reply upset you
Judging by you emotional reply I think you need the support of the Genetic Girls here.
You need to chat with someone who has been through the hurt and betrayal and suffering you feel right now.
Your husband should have told you before getting married (I should have done this too but I was a coward)
This is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to endure.
It may take professional help to sort this out.
Please dont make any sudden decisions think it through.
I hope you find a solution that is right for you.

If you think I can help or you just want to get angry with someone i am usually here.
Good Luck

AnnaMaria

04-09-2006, 01:12 PM

Brina,

After reading both of your posts and all the posts from the girls in the group I felt like I needed to post as well. But unfortunatly I am not going to seem as if I am being very supportive to you in general but I hope that what I have to say will help you to understand what your husband is probably going through.

Being a tg is not something that we can control nor is it something that we would wixh on anyone who was not born with it. It is a life of fear and hate. Your feelings toward your husband are a prime example of what is most wrong with society today. From your discription of your self you sound like very much the tomboy which there is nothing wrong with, but you also have to understand that your husband chose to marry you probably partly because of your strength. You said that you almost didn't marry him because of what you precieved as emotional weekness. Most women would kill to have a man who had some emotion rather than be a brick when it comes to emotions. You "told" him to get rid of his clothes and he didn't, what gives you the right to order him to do anything? You are his wife not his master. As a tg who has many of the same efeminate emotions that it sounds like your husband has I would have to say that he made a choice which shows that he is willing to stand up to you when it comes to being ordered what to do. Don't assume about him.

1. It's not fair to him or your children.
2. It will only cause more problems.

And just so you know: Asking your friends about this was something that is totally unfair and unacceptable no matter who you think you are. Which by the way. Just who do you think you are in the first place?

You say thaqt you are worried about you children but everything I have read is all about me me me. Not how will the children react, how will this effect them. It sounds to me as if the only person in your life that has any importance in this situation to you is you.

Take s step back and consider for a moment that the children today are much more accepting that people your age for one thing and they are much more able to deal emotionally with this type of thing that you obviously are. It sounds to me like you were not loved enough when you were a child. That there is something missing from your genetic emotions. I only hope that your children don't turn out like you because people like you are the reason there is so much war in the world right now.

I hate to say it but maybe everyone would be better off if the two of you did divorce. On one deserves to have a woman or man who has no emotion. Emotion was a gift from God that he believed we needed not just something to be thrown away because they were usless. I truly feel sorry for you and your family. Especially your family because they will never know true happyness. At least not from my point of view.

I know that most of the girls here have tried to help you the best that they can and I would love to be in the group with them but i just can't. My first wife was just like you and that is the reason we are not married now. I have never been so happy in all my life as the day that I was finally free of her. I suppose that is the reason that I feel the way I do about your "problems". Your problem is not your husband, Your problem is your unreal expectations.

This post may get me into trouble with the group and if so then so be it. I do appoligize to the group for the way I have reacted in this matter. But if we can not express our feelings here then why bother having this group in the first place.

Anna

BRINA

04-09-2006, 01:19 PM

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this, have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked?? What about a little testosterone. And FYI all of you you say it is miserable living like this. Well half of america is obese and claim that it is genetic or hormonal. Come on now,what there are no genetic mishaps in Africa. Do you get my point? It is an excuse you chose this as a crutch as they chose food. Lets see I did it since I was 7. Humm in my opinion I have trouble with that. Hey I am not perfect. But I think you guys chose it as a coping mechanism. Maybe a comfort of that that you were close to your moms. The ones that you felt safest with and it became a crutch. A crutch that you will choose over your own real coping mechanism a wife. A wife who loves you..Just wanted to see what you guys had to say to this. This is a forum and I am here to learn but I want all perspectives and hey if we do not see if any of you have had these tests then how can you say it is genetics. DNA is not part of the factor I work in the medical field.

RenaCD

04-09-2006, 01:25 PM

Brina remember the first thing I said and its not my Saying it belongs to Sage GG, IS BREATHE!
Second and I say this in the most gentle of ways, so I'm sorry if it comes out wrong,
Although You are a main character in this life story, This is not really about YOU, This is about your husband and you and the Kids, but this is something that he has lived with his whole life and I'm sure right this very moment even if he has your total acceptance is Scaring Him To Death!
OK my turn to take Breathe a shut Up!

Listen too the Wise Ones Rena

Julie York

04-09-2006, 01:26 PM

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this, have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked?? What about a little testosterone. And FYI all of you you say it is miserable living like this. Well half of america is obese and claim that it is genetic or hormonal. Come on now,what there are no genetic mishaps in Africa. Do you get my point? It is an excuse you chose this as a crutch as they chose food. Lets see I did it since I was 7. Humm in my opinion I have trouble with that. Hey I am not perfect. But I think you guys chose it as a coping mechanism. Maybe a comfort of that that you were close to your moms. The ones that you felt safest with and it became a crutch. A crutch that you will choose over your own real coping mechanism a wife. A wife who loves you..Just wanted to see what you guys had to say to this. This is a forum and I am here to learn but I want all perspectives and hey if we do not see if any of you have had these tests then how can you say it is genetics. DNA is not part of the factor I work in the medical field.

I thought you came here for information and understanding? So maybe you shouldn't be making all those assumptions. You're obviously still angry. What you should be doing is taking in the information....not trying to impose your own misconceptions on the situation to make it make sense to you.

It is not sensible to go to a plumbers forum , get 24 answers from plumbers and then tell THEM how to do it.

BRINA

04-09-2006, 01:30 PM

Anna,

I respect everyones input and do not see why you would get in trouble by the other "GUYS". This is a chance for us all to learn and deal maybe one of us can walk away and our lives will change positively tomorrow. Re being selfish. I am far from selfish. When I say about the kids. Lets see we have been married since october and our kids are 6 and 7 one his one mine. Mine talks to her dad here and there and is close to his family, his never see his mom she up and left. So how are they going to react when I say asta lavista? They are going to loose each other.That is my issue I dare not tell them their father is a CD. And in regards to it not being a cheating factor, lets see. Then why do you guys jack off to it??Any one have an answer??And while your doing that are you a girl being done by a girl or a guy being done by a girl while you are dressed in girl clothes??

Sedona

04-09-2006, 01:36 PM

Annamarie,

Thanks for the post. Before anybody "piles on" Annamarie (or Brina for that matter), I respect your view.

Even though I don't agree with all that she has to say, I support Annamarie's right to speak her mind. But who cares what I think, they are her opinions, based on her experiences, and that's why Brina joined, to get some answers, both soft and hard to swallow.

Brina, just so you know, my GF knows about my CDing (and is largely unaccepting) but refuses to join a forum such as this one. Her answer, "I don't care about what other people say/feel, just you." I had no good answer for this.

Perhaps the suggestion to seek answers in the GG forum is a good one at this point?

And Brina,

There are a lot of factors involving why people crossdress. Some are emotional baggage from childhood, some perhaps genetic (your non-genotypic expression aruement is not valid if you consider that many CDers reproduce).

However you want to think about it, the thing to remember is that your hubby is in all likelihood not going to change. You will either talk things through with him and work it out, or you will end the relationship. You're not getting a non-CDer.

Sedona

04-09-2006, 01:41 PM

Anna,

Then why do you guys jack off to it??Any one have an answer??And while your doing that are you a girl being done by a girl or a guy being done by a girl while you are dressed in girl clothes??

Um, as far as this goes, BRINA, there's all variations. Many on this forum aren't sexually turned on by CDing at all. For some, that's all what it is about. Please don't lump us into groups, ok?

But, again, I urge you, Talk with your Husband! Get a sitter, go away for a weekend, whatever, he's your best friend in all this.

Julie Avery

04-09-2006, 01:44 PM

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this, have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked??

No. Would you ask a vanilla male who shamelessly cheated on you to do that? Is there any shortage of them?

At this point, you're bashing, and bashing is understandable given what you're going through, but it is not welcome.

Why on earth would I ask someone highly trained in biology and chemistry why I like to wear dresses? Good grief.

Have you thought about consulting a physician about your reaction to crossdressing?

BRINA

04-09-2006, 01:46 PM

FYI My husband has no idea that I am on this forum and all actually he think I blew this under the rug. And me and a thereapist, would never tell someone who went to college to talk to people analyze, interpret and respond. I will talk to you guys. You are the ones living it not the therapists. And if you are on here to help then talk back. We will all do better if you do. I will talk back to being a tomboy. Lets see I am no Janet Reno but your damn right I am a form of a tom boy. Because so many men have become to girly. As this site is talking about. Do you guys actually think we like having to be the tom boys. NO WAY. But most of you men have come to the conclusion that you can touch upon your femine traits thus thrusting us into this mayhem. Do you think I like pumping gas carrying in the groceries making more money because half the men in this world do not get it on how to multi task and make a ton of money( almost all my girlfriends beat their mens salary). How do you think this feels we all hate it but there is a big difference between bring a tom boy and a CD. One is it has nothing to do with sexuality it has to do with survival of the fitest. And this can get heated and your right If you would assume I would argue back for hours but do not want to. I am here to see why do you do this and hope that some women will respond to me whos husbands are doing this and explain to me why are you accepting this??

ashlee chiffon

04-09-2006, 01:50 PM

Let's see...today is my birthday, so i'm dressed a little more special, skirts and heels and all that...
but i'm not doing it to practice self abuse...its because i have fun doing it and feel a great sense of enjoyment in the way i am looking today. When younger, i did dress and it got me excited and it was more sexual. That was the transvestite stage, for me, where i got excited wearing even just panties *have since i was borrowing Mom's, when just a child* to now...when i feel comfortible this way..
the point is that this is very complicated to all of us and there are degrees of similiarities, but also tons of differences between each and every one of us..and it changes thru the years....the same holds true for your husband. Most of us here love Women and their clothes and it is exciting, but we all have lives, jobs, SO's, families, and whatever other then the dressing...we live our lives just fine...or not...but we talk here and get feedback and get a little More understanding.
This is a Very big issue for you, and there are no easy answers or solutions. But please don't lump as all together and condemn us! Work on your own thing and issues...your resentment of us will blind you and we can't offer any good advice that you will listen too, probably, if you aren't interested in listening.
Good luck luv...our hearts go out to you!
Ciao!

Lauren Richards

04-09-2006, 01:57 PM

Brina,
You, far from selfish? If you believe that, and I trust that you do, then you have more issues than this forum can address. This has all been about you, you, you, and your misconceptions and how unfair the situation is to YOU.

First, Get Over Yourself. You have discovered a deeply held part of you husband that you were not aware of when you got married. You could have made other choices (as you were so helpful to point out in one of your posts), but didn't. And, talk about relationship betrayal, you choice to talk to friends about this has put a huge cut in your relationship with your husband. Take some credit for causing additional problems where not necessary. Amazing, two imperfect people get married. Call the TV news crew. This never happened before.

Want some advice? Don't stay together for the kids. They know when their folks have a false commitment, and that is not a good model to teach your children. Money? Pfft. Make more later. There is plenty out there, and you probably have more than you Really need anyway. Try imagining a life with less than half the money you have, and if you couldn't be happy, then money isn't the problem: it's your attitude.

Here's the deal: 1. He isn't going to change. 2. Neither will you. Where does that leave you? Choice, just like you have every day. Be happy, or don't. Up to you, and only you. Your friend, family, neighbors, and this forum are not going to make that choice for you. So, yes, you are right, it is all about you, after all.

Lauren

Ms. Donna

04-09-2006, 01:58 PM

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this

This is not "for the sake of conversation" - this is who we are.

have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked??

Any other tests you'd like to suggest?

What about a little testosterone.

How's about some Prozac? Throw in a dash of Thorazine as well...

Some research will show you that most have completely normal testosterone levels.

And FYI all of you you say it is miserable living like this.

No, we don't. Like life in general, some have a better or worse time of it.

Well half of america is obese and claim that it is genetic or hormonal. Come on now,what there are no genetic mishaps in Africa. Do you get my point?

WTF??? No, I don't get your point. There are transgendered individuals in Africa as well.

It is an excuse you chose this as a crutch as they chose food. Lets see I did it since I was 7. Humm in my opinion I have trouble with that. Hey I am not perfect. But I think you guys chose it as a coping mechanism.

So you are now an expert on gender related issues and the psychological effects thereof?

Maybe a comfort of that that you were close to your moms. The ones that you felt safest with and it became a crutch. A crutch that you will choose over your own real coping mechanism a wife. A wife who loves you.

So far, you are not presenting as what could be considered by anyone to be an effective 'coping mechanism'.

Just wanted to see what you guys had to say to this. This is a forum and I am here to learn but I want all perspectives and hey if we do not see if any of you have had these tests then how can you say it is genetics. DNA is not part of the factor I work in the medical field.

Let's assume its coded in our DNA. So what? That doesn't change the fact that this is who we are. And comparing this to being overweight??? I can lose weight and I'll still be transgendered. I can pump my body full of hormones and other drugs and I'll still be transgendered.

Look Brina, you're angry and you have every right to be angry. However, attacking us wholesale as a group will not change your husband nor will it help you to understand any of this. What you need to be willing to do is to learn a bit about all of this and one of the best places to start is with your own husband. Talk with him - not to him or at him - with him. He is your best source to understand how he feels. All we can do here is to help fill in some of the blanks.

Keep in mind that the man you with whom you fell in love hasn't changed. In fact, part of what you fell in love with was this hidden part. It is and always has been a part of his personality.

What you now have is an opportunity to know him even more intimately than before and allow him to share with you in a way he never thought he could.

Either that, or you can confirm what has been his bigest fear all along.

It's your choice... Choose wisely.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

Julie Avery

04-09-2006, 01:58 PM

Hmmm....survival of the fittest.

It's an interesting question, why the "tall" gene follows human males more than human females. If I'm not mistaken, it's because at some point in primate evolution, dominant males formed harems, and non-dominant males didn't get to reproduce - and nothing similar happened in the evolution of female apes. :)

Does that help you to understand your husband? Probably not.

I'm outa this thread.

Angel73 GG

04-09-2006, 01:59 PM

Hi Brina. I can see from your posts that you are very angry, and I think you have a right to be. You found something out by accident that your husband should have told you about in the first place. He should have told you about his CDing before you got married. This is a betrayal of trust first of all, and second of all I know you have questions about CDing itself and what this means for your relationship. I was in your situation about 4 years ago. I came across information about my dh's CDing and it wasn't something that he told me about on his own either. I had to confront him on it, and then he finally came clean and told me about it. We weren't married at the time, so for me I had the choice to stay or go and I loved him so I married him anyway. But I can only imagine how devastating it would have been for me to marry him first and THEN find out he couldn't find a way to tell me beforehand. My biggest advice to you is to TALK to your husband. Be honest and tell him how you feel. Ask him all your questions and give him a chance to really talk to you and tell you what is going on in his heart. I know from talking to my dh that is NOT gay and he does NOT want to be a woman. He wants to dress like one occasionally, yes. Why is beyond me. I'm still in my own process of acceptance, honestly. But if you really love your guy and your family, please take a step back and breathe as the others suggested. Talk to a couselor, talk to your husband, or just get a journal. I can't promise it will get easier any time sooner, but if you love him, give it a try. If you want you can PM me and I will send you my email address if you want to talk.

Sedona

04-09-2006, 02:04 PM

Brina, for crying outloud:

TALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND

DanaJ

04-09-2006, 02:11 PM

Brina - not really sure what to say here, as you have had many many great replies before mine. You seem to be hung up on gender roles and perceptions.

I have a super macho job - steel worker. I swing big sledgehammers and weld all day. I work with other guys who completely accept me as another macho male. We trash talk all day and yalk about women all day too. I play sports, watch sports, do other "manly" hobbies - heck, I even built my own house! By your descriptions above, I should be a real man.

I also dress as a woman occassionally, I go to the salon and get my nails done once in a while, I like playing with makeup too. What in your estimation does this make me? Less than a man now?

Well, I am "me" - I don't think of myself as girly or manly because of the things I do, I am simply "me".... and your husband is still the exact same person he was 5 minutes before you found out - only your perception has changed concerning him. So, that is (in my opinion) what you need to work on - it will not be easy, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

The main question I would ask you is - did you love your husband before you found out, I mean really love him?

BRINA

04-09-2006, 02:20 PM

I can only thank all of you. Your point blank replies, your hugs and your perspective towards my situation. I am going to go for the day and think about all that you have said, but I guess the truth is as much as I want to say I can learn to cope i cant. I cant remember who said it but someone on this forum said that some of you dress like that for the comfort of it that was his claim when I talked to him. But then I found the sex toy and asked him if he ejaculates when he dresses like that and he said YES. That is the clincher right there. What do you want me to say? To me this shows that there is something deeper and he never gave me a straight answer when I asked him if he was the boy or the girl. That bothers me. I am not wasting my life to find out one day he wants to be bi, trasvestite, or a permanent CD. I want normalcy. And it is not selfish to want that whe it can be found.

stephanie100

04-09-2006, 02:23 PM

Brina
You said your hubby does not know you are here ok you dont like secrets so please tell him bring him in to talk to us.
2nd we are born with it make no mistake about that and we have well most have talked to our doctors he/she usually refers to a psychiatrist. The first advice they give to a partner is " Dont stop him". It is hard for all here to live as we are. Stephanie is me not my male half. It is just that the wrong part of the egg got fertalised.
3 Some start dressing early I started at 11 or 12 other people earlier some later.
Some have said we take it to the grave i have left instructions that it is Stephanie that is burried I am now 55 you question that but No one here has a reason to lie. Idid forget one thing he should have told you before you married that advice i would and have given to others.

Lauren Mitchell

04-09-2006, 02:32 PM

Hi Brina:

Welcome to the forum.

I read your post and those of the other members here. They are hitting the nail square on the head.

Your husband like the rest of us here, has a unique gift. And that is to be able to accept the inner woman that exists inside of him. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is healthy to do so.

Crossdressing is not a new thing, nor is it a perverted thing. Only society as a whole feels that it is (you should view my surveys and those of others that have done some research).

I can almost guaranty you, that your husband is not gay (but it is OK to be gay), I am more than positive that he loves you and does not want to hurt you or the children. Crossdressing is his way of expressing his own femme self.

Don't stop him from Crossdrssing. Talk about it. Enjoy it. Make a game out of it. Embrace it. You married him for himself, not the cloth (and it is only cloth) on his body.

Let me give you a few resources to check out. There are many. One is Tri-Ess. http://Tri-Ess.org They have a lot of good information that you may want to lok through. A good book to buy is by Peggy Rudd, "My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife" available through Amazon.Com or it might be in your local library. Also read "Coping With Crossdressing" by Joann Roberts, also available from Amazon.Com.

I cannot say enough about it. I am sure that the other wonderful people here will agree with me, that you have nothing to worry about. All of the previous posts and those to follow echo the same sentiment.

Love
Lauren

Bev06 GG

04-09-2006, 02:49 PM

I almost didnt marry him because he was so emotional and sensitive and i need a man that is stronger than me and truth be told i am pretty strong, so strong that i too have been questioned of my sexuality by outsiders, but i love love men....
Hi Brina,

I think you might find that being emotional and sensetive are both common denominators when it comes to the vast majority of Crossdressers. I myself find these very positive attributes, but I can understand where your coming from if you like the more macho guy.
I have to say that for me, one of the reasons I really love my CD friends is because they are so refreshing after mixing with some of the more chauvanistic, macho style men. They restore my confidence in the opposite sex, and are like a breath of fresh air. I dont know, and I hope Im not offending you in anyway, but do you think that its his sensitivity thats causing you to question the relationship, more so than the actual dressing.
Anyway hope you can work things out. Take care
BEVxxxx

Lauren Richards

04-09-2006, 02:54 PM

Brina,
Thanks for being honest about your inabilty to cope. Honesty about your own limitations is a good starting place. Nothing wrong about it. It is what it is: a self-imposed limitation. We all have them. Yours, however, limits your acceptance of anything which contradicts your preconceptions regarding crossdressing, and the people who enjoy this activity.

And thanks for taking so long to think this thru. Gosh, what has it been..a week? Nothing like taking a step back and having that cup of coffee, or tea, as some of the members have suggested. Gulp. Done!

Lucky guy. He will soon find out his wife was as shallow as a dry creek bed before investing any more time. Stuff works out. All I saw was a demand of why?!! What answers would have made it ok? I really don't think there are any. I hope that in a few years they both will look back at this as an opportunity to become more honest, both with someone else, and with themselves. Next time. And there will be a next time.

I sincerely wish both of them, and above all, the kids, all the happiness they can find in this life. This live we have is too short to live in fear, or anger, or self pity. I don't know of anyone who has not stopped at those stations at least temporarily, but the choice to stay there, or to change trains and continue the journey to happiness, acceptance and love is a choice we all can make.

Painful at times to change trains, drag ourselves out of our comfortable habits, leave the baggage at the last stop, and really see what this life can offer. For me, it is worth the work, worth the pain.

I have a job, but it is not who I am. Crossdressing is something I do, but it is not who I am. Life has infinite variety, and somewhere, we find folks who accept and love us. Everyone needs that.

jodybi35

04-09-2006, 02:58 PM

Wonder what your hubby must have wondered the first time he saw you in your Tom Boy attire? Let's see, blue jeans, plaid shirt, doc martins, maybe
a baseball cap. Hmmmmmmmm? Oh, I am sorry, you were not aware that
most GG's cross dress too? Do you have any idea what the term projection
implies? You seem to be an artist at it. Such a crushed little girl you seem
to be over this. I am the father of four daughters, a professional with several
degrees, a former police officer, and have been in the practice of medicine for
the past 27 years. My wife did not know when we first married, but has known for the past several years how much I love wearing female panties.
She also knows I love her very much. This is something that is between the two of us, and it has not caused such a stir. I think that you would be totally
shocked at how many men are into crossdressing. The ones here who have
taken the time and made the effort to be open and above board with you
have been totally open and honest about things. Someone suggested you
"get over it". Or was it you who suggested that we guys/girls "get over it".
It just isn't that simple, is it? Well, it isn't simple for your hubby either. I
do hope the two of you can reach some common ground on this issue, or go your separate ways in order to keep your sanity. Good luck.

Deborah757

04-09-2006, 03:00 PM

Lets see I am no Janet Reno but your damn right I am a form of a tom boy. Because so many men have become to girly.

I used to be an Army Airborne Ranger. Is that macho enough for you?

You keep asking why. Nobody knows why. It simply is. You are either going to have to accept this fact or move on.

I have been married 23 years and have never cheated nor ever molested my children.

You can condemn your husband and he will most likely stop for a while and then try to hide it. Eventually you will find out again and have another nasty confrontation. In the meantime, he will always feel stressed about it and you will have a lot of fights.

Or you can simply accept it, not meaning you have to be involved in it if you don't want to be.

I finally, after 20 years was honest with my wife about this recently, although, like you, she had found stuff earlier. Fot the first time in ages, we are able to be friends again without the constant tension that existed before.

CherGG

04-09-2006, 03:07 PM

Hi Brina, just wanted to let you know that you can feel free to message me if you need to talk about this ... I am a gg with a so that crossdresses. Although our situations on acceptance might be different, I will try to help you the best I can.
Keep your chin up!

Cher

Julia Cross

04-09-2006, 03:18 PM

Anna Marie, You have my full support in what you wrote. This forum is for sharing discussions and opinions, and let's face it not everyone is going to agree with what is said. I sure haven't agreed with everything posted here in the past, but I keep telling myself, that's their opinion, and I have my mine.

It was refreshing to see someone step and tell it like it is. Enough said here, it's obvious someone wanted to vent, and boy did she!

As for the end result, if two people can't share a marriage through complete honesty and acceptance of each other, then I ask you, what sort of marriage is that, what sort of love do they share? And ultimately what will they be teaching their children about love, understanding and acceptance. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but sometimes we get it wrong, and we need to start over again. We are after all human, we make mistakes.

I wish the two of them the best, but I fear it will be a long and difficult road that may not lead to happiness, together.

Julia

Sage GG

04-09-2006, 03:19 PM

[QUOTE=BRINA]he never gave me a straight answer when I asked him if he was the boy or the girl."

Is it possible that he doesn't have the answer himself?

"I want normalcy."

Normal is highly overrated

you also wrote that you were going to go and think, not a great idea, go to him,talk and listen.

carol ann

04-09-2006, 03:34 PM

My wife found out ( by finding my clothes) after we had been married many years. I had supressed my feelings for many years for the sake of my relationship and then the children and a career but the feelings had always been there siince childhood.

Although my wife was sympathetic in her listening to the reason, it was quite obvious that like you it was not something she wanted to have to face. After all she had a reliable loyal husband and father to the children who was accepted socially and otherwise as a masculine male. In her discovery the image was being shattered. So for the sake of the status quo the dressing went back into the closet.

My wife loves me and I love her. I would sacrifice anything for my family and she knows that. I also know that she would do the same for me. when we married we made a personal vow to each other that our marriage would be one of give and give not give and take because we knew there would be times in our life together when things would not all be good either with one of us or both of us and we determined we would battle through those.

The decision I believe you have to make is whether you love him enough to be able to talk through and carry through a solution that you can both accept and live with without your love for each other being impaired. its a hard one but I believe that is the question you have to ask yourself

Sandra

04-09-2006, 03:46 PM

You have been given a lot of good advise here, all I can add is talk, listen and talk some more only you two can sort this out, I doubt that it will be easy, I know it wasn't for me but it can be worked out.

ChrissyGG

04-09-2006, 04:00 PM

welcome Brina! Feel free to pm me any time if you want to talk. Also i believe that he should have told you the truth before you got married and give you a choice if you would be willing to except his dressing. As far as crossdressing is concerned i believe people are born with it. There is nothing wrong with it also it doesnt mean that he is gay. It is your choice if you love him enough and willing to except him with his dressing. Sweeping it under the rug wont help it because he will always come back to it. For me personally i havent udnerstood or been attracted to crossdressers before. When my boyfriend told me that he is into that. I excepted him for who he is because i love him more than anything in the world. Also i feel sad that he had to hide it for so long before me. I am happy that with me he can be what he truly is a beautiful woman. As far as you are either you choose to except it or not. I do not believe that you are insensitive but as i said before he should have told you before you got married to give you a choice instead of telling you after. I do not think it is fair to you but also it must have been hard for him to keep a secret. Good luck sweetie! PM me anytime

Sam-antha

04-09-2006, 04:06 PM

Brina, I am glad that you are open and that you are learning things about people. Some of the things about private thoughts/likes/urges and lord knows what would be "The Word" to describe those things. They are all facets of our born with existence,things that we all accept, whether cross dressers or not. Like having a passion for curry or not.
I think that you should know by now that your man is not cheating on you. Not even thinking about it. He is simply following some sort of deep down instinct that he cannot understand, like I cannot understand why my wife like curry.
I dress sometimes because it "feels" good.
By that I mean so many things about dressing, things both physical, mental and on very very rare occasions, sexy. For the comfort angle, I wear a skirt- actually a kilt,- most of the summer and autumn/spring. I grew up with one and when I was in England I found it was an amusing object. It is simply for comfort wear, its free, feels good with its swing, (comparable perhaps to heels) and the fact that it give my macho side a boost is nothing much to do with it. The girls love it and so do I - I am in my seventies -.
Sex - one does not have to be cross dressing to own, use or covet sex toys/porn. It is I think a fairly common denominator. Does it matter really whether he thinks he is boy or girl during sex pleasures ? Alone or otherwise. We do not all share our fantasies with our partners. You must also have sex fantasies. Do you share them ? alright, he may not have shared with you,but there is a built in guklt thing with them all and that includes non-sex things like crossdressing.
I do not think that sex is really anything to do with the situation that yuor friends think you are in. Anyway sex is a variable, usaully private between two,although it is often a commercial commodity, illustrated, straight or otherwise. He is, we think, straight and are you not thankful that he does not have headaches ( a le Kennedy) if he does not have a woman every three days.
He loves you, he chose you and you chose to accept him because you do love him.
That is quite enough for one member to say.

Understanding will come through acceptance.

Samm

BRINA

04-09-2006, 04:07 PM

I can not tell any of you how helpful this has been. Someone said post the point/questions and you will get your answers. I have learned today that there are many different aspects to this desire of cross dressing. I think in my case as the wife a major issue is that my husband corelates this dressing to sexual desires. He watches porn and masturbates. So my issue that this is a sexual preference and my confusion is what is the sexual preference.Again as I have said in other parts of todays dialogue is he the girl or the guy?? My fear lies in if he is the girl then is there a transgender issue. But yet he is not attracted to males.Do youget where I am coming from??That is my issue..And what I need help understanding at this time..

Sam-antha

04-09-2006, 04:18 PM

Brina, in a few words : Porn/masturbation is not abnormal. However it is not Crossdressing. The two are totally different.
Huggzzes Sam

AmandaM

04-09-2006, 04:18 PM

Brina: As I sit here in my jeans, boots, and baseball hat after mowing the lawn, I contemplate your thoughts against my own experience. I told my wife before we were married. She said "so what". She's an ex-cheerleader, who's brothers played on the football team. A thin blonde fem. Why pick me instead of some jock? Why not care? I don't know, but I'm for-real with my emotions. She said to me once about some TVs she saw on TV :) "they're just trying to be themselves". I do admit to the sex-side of crossdressing. But, most guys "do it", even without the clothes. To my wife, as long as I don't cheat, she's cool with it. I think you need to divide his sexual part from his crossdressing part, or find out how they intertwine. He could be just getting his jollies, he could want to be a woman or just express a feminine side for emotional release, he could want to find men, he could be anything. Then you can decide if you can handle it. BTW, we're both college-educated.

But the dressing in itself, shouldn't be a big deal. Differentiate between the clothes and behavior.

PS: In reference to whether he is male or female sexually or otherwise. I am both. Sometimes I feel like a woman. Sometimes I want to be the woman emotionally and sexually. But, I also have the role of husband to fulfill. That is important. So, I am doing the manly mowing the lawn today. Would I prefer to be a woman? Probably. But since I'm married, and the kids are young, I try to ignore it. But, this may not be his issue. He just may be a little kinky. Find out what it is, then decide how to handle it. Do it from a point of logic. Emotion clouds the issue.

Kimberley

04-09-2006, 04:20 PM

Hi Brina,
And welcome to the forums. You really need to join the GG forum where you will find stories similar to your own.

The BIGGEST question you need to ask is do you love your husband? If the answer is yes, then you have come to the right place to find support. If the answer is conditional or no, then you also know the path you have to take. The one thing you owe both you and your husband is to try to understand and coming here is the first step. Congratulations!

As has been pointed out previously, most of us are born this way. The other commonalities we share are fear, guilt and shame. It is a lousy way to live when all we want is to live, love and be loved just as anyone else. These are the same things you want.

We are flawed, every human being on this planet has flaws. Our so-called flaw is based on societal misunderstanding and conditioning. Prejudice if you will. Overcoming this bias will open up a totally new relationship for both of you, probably one you never thought possible.

I strongly urge you to join the GG forums, get to know them and the rest of us. Ask questions. Ask for experiences. You will get honest answers about how the GG's handle things as well as how we manage to survive both in and out of the closet. I think in the end you will find that little has changed except that you are now entrusted with the most profound and deeply held secret your husband has. It can create a bond you never thought possible if you support him or it could drive you apart and well, the effects on him could be devastating or not.

I wish you the best in your quest for understanding. If you want to ask me any questions please feel free to PM me.

Kimberley.

ashlee chiffon

04-09-2006, 04:22 PM

still think talking to a third party professional would help a lot...or else this will be like a tennis tournament...point for point and argument for argument...you both have a strong emotional feeling about this and need to work thru it...someone has to be able to see both your sides and help you figure this out so it works for you two!
it can be done!

Shellybean

04-09-2006, 04:31 PM

I knew that women would not accept me and I am gonna be alone forever. Go i feel like..so sad today. Why do we have to judge all the time. I have been a victim of this kind of stuff since grade one and it got me so confused i did not even know what i was until just recently. One thing for sure......what about his feelings?
Shellybean

Julie York

04-09-2006, 04:36 PM

I think in my case as the wife a major issue is that my husband corelates this dressing to sexual desires. He watches porn and masturbates. So my issue that this is a sexual preference and my confusion is what is the sexual preference.

"If he likes chocolate he must be gay."

Your logic is confusing you. Men are very prone to find items and 'things' sexually exciting by whatever imprinting happens for whatever reason. It is called parafilia. It happens to women too but on a lesser level. Do you have something you enjoy and like in a sexy way and have no idea why? Men in uniform? Butch bikers all greasy and sweaty with muscles? Rodeo riders? Could be anything with a sexual twist and you have no idea why or where it came from.

Very often crossdressers have a confused and mixed up association with the feelings they have and so when they hit puberty it gets chanelled to being an erotic association with an item of clothing or just the idea of being dressed as a girl. When they were younger it was just a blurred 'wanting' to express this odd feeling, and no way of expressing it because you aren't ALLOWED to play with the girls or be more sensitive or creative. so it gets buried in your head and literally perverted into a form of sexual expression when you hit puberty. Puberty turns it sexual...It becomes something that hits a deep down nerve. But it is harmless even so.
You've been on the internet. How many variations of a sexual thrill are there?

Haven't you got some of your own? Some little deep down sexual thrill you never told anyone because you were embarrassed or scared? Have a think about that and maybe you'll be a little more forgiving.

midwest GG

04-09-2006, 05:27 PM

Sam-antha-Masterbation isn't normal??? I beg to differ. Everyone does it and has done it. Now, porn...well, everyone has there own feelings and beliefs in that. But, as a nurse, they teach us in school, that masterbation is absolutely totally normal, it is actually healthy! lol And it was said one other time in this thread...WHAT IS NORMAL?? Heck, I know I am more than likely not..and I like it that way

Eric/a

04-09-2006, 06:00 PM

Do you think I like pumping gas carrying in the groceries making more money because half the men in this world do not get it on how to multi task and make a ton of money( almost all my girlfriends beat their mens salary).

Multi-tasking makes somebody a ton of money? Not me, it doesn't! Just gets me assigned more stuff! If what you said about your girlfriends is true, there's a lot more reasons than dressing up why I'd like to be like a woman, at least like the ones you mentioned!:D

Getting back on topic, though, I'm sorry about the stress this situation has caused you. Since I don't have a wife, girlfriend or SO like a lot of the members here do, I guess most people would say it doesn't matter how I dress myself or live my life because it doesn't affect anybody else. In short, I'm not under any kind of pressure to pretend to be "normal." Well...at least not like I would be if I were married, living with someone or in a serious dating relationship.

The only trouble is, if I ever met somebody and got into a serious relationship with her, I'd probably have a number of qualities that more people associate with women than with men. Two of them have already been mentioned, being highly sensitive and emotional. Thankfully, some GGs, like Bev, appreciate those qualities in a man, as opposed to being macho and chauvinistic. (Bev, I hope I didn't take any of that out of context!:D )

If you're still reading this thread by the time I've finished this post, I hope that means at least you're still making an effort to understand your husband's situation. You've certainly done well by keeping an open enough mind to visit this site. I hope everybody who's answered, and whoever has yet to write a post in this thread, proves to offer some good insight and ideas.

JoannaDees

04-09-2006, 06:02 PM

Ellaine

04-09-2006, 06:18 PM

Hi Brina :)
Welcome hon. ....Credit to you for seeking out this site. Please stick around for a bit, and perhaps drag Hubby along ( nice pun :) eh?)so that he can spend time considering who he is. Individuals are just that, and generalisations do not help.
I can't offer advice, other than that you both work on honest communication. But I can offer a few thoughts on the subject after reading your comments so far.

You earlier stated that you are something of a tomboy, yet need and admire a strong dominant man. I have to wonder how you came to hook up with such an emotional and tearful man, with two failed marriages to his score. Perhaps your real mistake was rushing into the marriage? In which case you could be lucky that you didn't hook up with someone real nasty.

Anyway, he seems equally at fault for trying to decieve a third wife. It's hard therefor to support his position, even though I fully understand his wish to keep his secret, he has been extremely foolish.
Perhaps your children were a bigger factor in you two getting together,than they should have been. Perhaps you both got what you deserve.
You are normal to be angry, but that will pass. Your situation seems far from unsalvageable, but only if you can both sit and talk it through and trust what is being said. This is the most crucial aspect of all this. Your Hubby needs to see that third time around is time to come clean completely, or as completely as he is able to understand what CDing means to him. Having a "weaker" man for a partner can have its advantages, if you are a dominant personality.
Your concern at his sexual ecitment whilst dressed, needs to be addressed. If he can't give you a straight answer, it may be that he isn't sure himself, but just as likely that he is afraid to be honest even with himself. Progression is different for all of us, and by no means all CD's progress beyond a "part-time" fetish status. His sexual excitement may simply be as a result of the sheer sensual nature of the clothing. Nothing "manly" comes close to combining sensuality with the percieved kinky taboo. Perhaps he doesn't need to picture himself as a woman to get his exitement, but his imagination will likely have fired up that picture at some time. His "unsatisfactory" experiments with toys, may simply be as a result of exploring some of the seedy transvestite sites and being influenced by what he has seen.
On the one hand, you were turned on by him before this discovery, and essentially it is your perception of him that has changed. On the other hand, you two have barely been together long enough to know and trust each other fully, even if you had not got off to such a poor start.
If the kids are the priority, then perhaps a little optimism is not misplaced. Two good incomes and together parents are pretty close to ideal. So can you work on the togetherness aspect? Can you both be honest and openly discuss your needs without getting over emotional? Can you see that accepting his "fetish" (if that's what it is,) gives you bargaining chips that you may otherwise never have.

Don't please, rush off in anger, give yourselves a little time and I would ask you to consider a fact put to me by a nurse at a U.K. Accident and Emergency Dept.; that one in eight of all males brought in are found to be wearing one or more articles of female clothing!!
And your "ideal" adonis could make you very unhappy, nothing is guaranteed.
Not all comforting, but helpful I hope.
I truly hope things turn around for you both, but honesty must come first.

Hugs Ellaine

size7satin

04-09-2006, 06:26 PM

Im not understanding this at all. So if a man masterbates be it in the shower or in a pair a panties that man is cheating on thier SO?

Pardon me...... everyone masterbates that doesn't equate to cheating.

So he used a toy OMG the worlds gonna end. what if a guy touches his nipples does that mean he wants breast? I don't think so.

From reading your post it sounds more like you want someone to "side" with you so that you can justify that your right and he's wrong NO MATTER WHAT. You almost sound like you want to wear the pants, which would make you a cd'er....lol

There is no more "normal" in this world and sitting here thinking about it I don't think there ever has been a "normal" only surpression to make our lives seem "normal"

Say you married him, lifes great hes as butch as they come, then a car crash, he can't move from the waist down, is he not still a man, a husband and a father? Would you care less for him because he not fuctioning a as whole man?

You don't seem to care about how he is feeling, you only care about what you think. What will the kids think. What will your friends & family think.

I am a father, they know I crossdress. Had my wife been as unsupportive as you are, I would have thrown her rear to the curb.

To be total honest,

You do not deserve a man that like him. He opened up his heart to you (the hardest thing a CD'er can do)..... and this is how you treat him? HE DESERVES BETTER!

ok back to a pantie thread for me..............:p

Anita Mae GG

04-09-2006, 06:36 PM

Brina,

You are attacking everyone cuz you are upset. RELAX and actually DIGEST what people are saying. You are turning around and crushing everything in your path....

Crossdressers are the way they are. They are BORN that way, just like your GAY friend........they can't help it.....most have done this since they were little......do you think a 4 year old purposes dressing in womans close for COPING reasons are you stated earlier...NOPE don't think they could comprehend that at that age.......

Also, you stated all this stuff about him being sensitive and you not needing to cry.....there is nothing wrong with a man crying and honestly to me it sounds like you are the one who is just unemotional and harsh.....

Listen, the ONLY way to even begin to understand is to take some quiet time and TALK to your husband......COMMUNICATION is the only thing that will work....

All of us GG's have been there, upset, betrayed, scared, wondering. apprehensive of the whole thing.......you need to just talk before you judge him.

You need to see that the reason he didn't tell you is exactly what you are doing right now....think about this, how would you feel if you were looked down upon, judged and ridiculed your WHOLE life....I think you would be afraid to let out the info that led you to be treated that way.......He has been living scared, and hurt and feeling ashamed his whole life, and for what, clothes he wears that make him feel like a whole person.....it is all society dictating what is and is not normal.

Good luck and try and communicate, without talking about it and sweeping it under that rug, you will be divorce #3 for him.....

Ms. Donna

04-09-2006, 07:09 PM

I'll not beat around the bush. I'm not one of the GG idolizers here. I will say it like it is.

Why did you marry this "crybaby"? If you are so strong, go. You have preconcieved notions of what is a man, and they are obviously very unshakable beliefs. Here's a revelation for you! Most "macho" mean are WEAK. It takes guts to cry. It takes guts to be talked about as if you are less of a man.

Of course, you don't cry. You could care less. :mad:

I've been harsh, I must add I do feel for you to have this sprung upon you. You should have been told.

Joanna,

You forgot one:

It takes a real man to wear a dress.

Brina,

Fish or cut bait.

You need quit whinging and make a decision: you either value the relationship you have with your husband or you don't.

If you do, then calm down, talk with him and we'll do what we can to help you understand all this.

If you don't, then please don't waste our time or your husband's time.

Regards,
Donna

ChrissyGG

04-09-2006, 07:25 PM

I agree with Donna. She said it short and sweet!

Janelle Young

04-09-2006, 07:46 PM

Hello Brina

Welcome to the forum. A lot of ladies have said a lot of very good things already.

I do not think the issue here is cross dressing but since this is a CD forum I will give you my thought on this from a CD perspective. I can only give my thoughts on this and they may or may not apply to your husband.

I truly believe that I was born with this. Call it a curse or a blessing, at different times in my life I have thought of it both ways. I love women, always have and always will. I have no desire to be sexually involved with a man but that is just me. Dressing in woman's clothes does not get me sexually excited, it does however make me feel good. I am a man that likes to be a 'woman' from time to time and dressing, for me, is a good way to do that.

I also think your husband should have told you about his CDing when you first met but I am guilty of doing the same thing he did. I am now at a point in my life that I will tell the next GG I am interested in all about my CDing. For me to get to that point has taken a long time though so I do understand why he did not tell you up front.

It seems to me that the big issue here is his watching porn and climaxing (can I say that?). Your bothered that he does that and I can see why it bothers you. You feel he does not love you, or does not find you attractive, or desirable, or that you do not turn him on. Well thoughts like those would bother me about my partner too. I can see this as a problem especially if he only watches porn and does the self nasty ONLY when dressed. If he watches porn all of the time, even when not dressed than I say the cross dressing is the least of your worries.

As an aside and this is not meant to be mean but this is a forum for Cross dressers and we all generally, when we are here, refer to each other as ladies. It would be great if you could get into the mind set that we are ladies, at least while you are here.

Please talk with your husband and try not to make any hasty decisions.

Good Luck my dear,

Hugs,

Janelle

Colleen Merryweather

04-09-2006, 08:00 PM

I was convinced I could not possibly give advice to a GG that got whammied with her significant other's cross dressing because my own way of looking at it all is so different.

If you are feeling confused and spinning, I suggest it would help to isolate your issues so you don't have so much to deal with all at once. So I will try to start by asking you if I understand what you are trying to say. Maybe clarifying it a little will bring the subject matter into your rational processing and out of your emotional reacting.

First of all you are angry because you have been decieved. Your husband hid something very important, demonstrating a lack of his trust for you.

Next you have a fidelity issue. You feel that sexual expression that you are not part of is cheating ,,, you think masturbation is kind of cheating, you wonder if the female clothing stuff is him being attracted to a feminity that is not you and is therefore cheating ....

Next you have a gender/sex or masculine/feminine issue. Like you want a manly man and find that attractive, like you want someone more butch than your own internal tomboy. this goes beyond your relationship into the general world about women earning more money and etc

I also think you have a fear or insecurity of some kind that makes you have such a strong need for things to be the way you see them. You want to be told that you are right to expect men to be gentlemen and treat women as ladies. Some people here have sent gentle words your way and others have criticized you for not being more flexible.
The one thing that is absolutely true is that you can change yourself if you want to. You can use this as a justifiable excuse to end the relationship like a "get out of jail free" card. Or you can choose to be the kind of you that you would like to be and I see you using the "good of the children" as your motivation to rise up to your highest potential.

As far as that goes, you start with figuring out your feelings clearly and rationally, otherwise letting your anger of one issue get blended into your emotions of another only leads to going around in circles.

I believe that once you are clear about what you feel, it will be easier to face your husband and talk to him in a way that could most likely lead to a positive outcome.

NorriesMom GG

04-09-2006, 08:04 PM

I want normalcy. And it is not selfish to want that whe it can be found.

Brina,
Your right, normal can be found, but only as a setting on a dryer. :D
~Liz~

Tamara Croft

04-09-2006, 08:16 PM

Brina

You have had a lot of support in this thread and the girls here have made every effort in trying to help you. But what I'm seeing in this thread, is you're not really listening to them and it seems to me you have already made your mind up that crossdressers are generally just doing this to get their rocks off. I have to say, I'm quite offended by this and I can see a few members aren't very happy to say the least.

If you want to learn, then listen, listen to what these girls have to say. They have been transgendered all their lives, they know what they are talking about. But please, don't be so hostile to them, they haven't done anything but give you sound advice. Don't lump them all in the same basket, they aren't all the same and I feel that it was a bit unjust to say the least some of the things you have said. This forum is for support, it's not for giving all the members here a piece of your mind and what you think of them all.

Katrina

04-09-2006, 08:49 PM

Brina,
A couple of things.

First, even "macho", "unemotional" guys are emotional too. One of my former best friends (long story involving alcoholism) was very macho and didn't show his feelings to women, but in the company of his closest friends was very willing to show his feelings. Not that he ever cried in front of me, but he was definately more than the 1-dimensional person that you expect your husband to be. Why do you feel the need to be with someone who is not even remotely in touch with his feelings?

Second, have you considered that if he is just getting off to the clothing, that he is probably not a "woman" on the inside. The ones that are women on the inside are probably more likely to be "more comfortable" in the clothes, and not get excited by them. Note that this is only my opinion and others may disagree with me.

A bunch of the girls here have suggested that you take a step back and think about this for a while, and I cannot agree more. He has had a long time to come to terms with this and you cannot be expected to do it in such a short time.

Also keep in mind that society doesn't seem to treat TG people very well. Many states do not even have any laws on the books that protect TG people from being discriminated against even though they technically have laws protecting homosexuals. Being TG is not something I would wish on my worst enemy - on most days I consider it a curse and he probably does too. You cannot imagine the pain that having a mismatch between how you feel on the inside and what you look like to the world can and does cause. If you have seen the Dove commercial that ran during the superbowl, they showed women and what body-image problems they had. Multiply that by a lot and you have the body image problems that TG people feel every day. IF your husband feels like he should be a woman, then he is in a lot more pain that you can possibly imagine.

That said, I can understand your frustration and anger that he hid this from you before you got married. That is why I told my GF the instant that we decided to be serious.

Alison Michelle

04-09-2006, 09:53 PM

Brina,

Talk to him!! You have lots of questions and we can only help you find the answers. Without talking to your husband, you only have assumption, not answers. Your best source for understanding in this is the man you married.

As for "normal", I have not met a normal family yet. We all have an image of the perfect life. I know if I want a truly happy life I need to work at it. Accepting my self and others as they are is just part of life.

No one is perfect, especially me, you need to take a long look at your self. To marry someone knowing they are more feminine then you, then whine about it is childish. I'd say grow up, but I don't plan on doing that my self. Take responsibility for your actions and don't push your faults onto someone else.

Life is not easy, make the best of what you got.

Alison

sunshine9924 GG

04-09-2006, 11:41 PM

Brina,

As others have commented, I have seen that you are very angry and seem to have your mind made up about all of this, so I won't go down that road, but I do have some other words to add.

You asked why, why, why and why some more. Why does my husband wear girls clothes? Why does he masterbate with them on? Why can't he throw them out and just "quit?"

The truth is, there is no answer to why. To be honest, it doesn't really matter WHY. They are who they are. They are being true to themselves, and that's what really matters. Those who come out to the ones they love are choosing to be honest about who they really are instead of trying to put on a front and pretend to be someone they're not.

So few persons in this world, CD/TG or otherwise, are true to themselves. Many people try to be what the world or others want them to be and then they don't know who they are anymore.

They should be applauded for their courage to be honest with their partners/spouses when they risk losing everything just by being honest. Honest. A quality which is esteemed in relationships and CD's risk losing it all over doing the right thing by being honest.

I am AnnaMaria's wife, and I have absolutely no clue why she chooses to dress in women's clothes.

But it's not necessary to know why. True acceptance is just that, accepting someone for who they are, ALL of who they are without having to know why they are that way.

I don't even try to understand Anna's desire to dress because I will NEVER understand it. I will never understand it because I've never been in her shoes. I can only imagine what it's like, and I'm sure my imagination is a far cry from the reality.

I have to admit, that I did try to understand at first, but then came to the realization after many, many conversations over the period of months and months that although I did not understand, I was being blessed with the opportunity to know a side of my husband that I had never known before. I was getting the chance to be emotionally closer to him than anyone in the entire world because he chose to share ALL of himself with me.

I am trying to share this realization with you, because you may not come to it on your own until after many months of conversations with your husband.

Bottom line is:
A. - Don't try to understand - just work on loving and accepting
B. - You won't be able to cope with it overnight - it may take months or years
C. - If you truly love your husband, then don't give up so easily on your marriage.
and D. - COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE with your husband

Try getting to know the person you are bashing with glittering generalities before you crush him and throw him into the gutter without any tears on your part.

When I first found out about Anna, I cried for hours. I knew a little bit about it, but I though it was just a "panty fettish" because all he ever wore was panties and nighties.

One night, I read dozens of posts right here on this website which is how I found out the extent of the crossdressing, and I cried for hours because I didn't understand and I was scared. Many of the things you seem to be afraid of had gone through my mind.

It's so easy to go down the slippery slope and assume that the slightest hint of crossdressing automatically leads to your husband being a girl and liking men and all of the other assumptions you have mentioned. You will never know what is going on with your husband until you talk to him.

My greatest fears were that my husband was gay or that he wanted to be a girl full time without any regard to how I would feel about it.

After talking, I found quite the opposite was true. Instead of no regard for my feelings, my DH had all the respect in the world for my feelings because he knew how hard the adjustment would be, and still is, for me. He was willing to talk about boundaries, and never did he force the issue on me, to see him dressed or even talk about it. He didn't want to lose me, but he couldn't live a lie anymore. For him, hiding from me was more painful than taking the risk of telling me the truth.

Now, we are closer than we've ever been. I have not lost my manly husband. I have gained a much closer best friend. And while we still have a lot to work on, we know that we are working on it TOGETHER and that makes all the difference in the world to me.

One last comment I'd like to make is that it is unfair (you know, dirty pool) for you to go spilling all this to your friends.

It is your husband's choice to out himself, not yours.

This is about your husband, not you. Although you are angry with him, it is not your place to tell friends or co-workers that know him. That is unfair to both of you, and the pressure from others who could react the same way you have will only perpetuate more hatred of something they know nothing about.

Dixie Darling

04-10-2006, 12:03 AM

Brina,

Having read most all of YOUR posts and spot read a number of the replies to them, I thought I'd add an observation or two to those already posted. In one of your posts you admitted that you wee the tomboy type. And in the next sentence admitted that you hated it. So my question to you would be: "Has the fact that you hated it made a difference in how you DEAL with it?" From what you've said you admit that you're still that tomboy that you hate being so much. Do you have any idea as to WHY you're that tomboy? My guess is that you don't have any idea as to why, and let me say here that I am NOT being critical of you because you're a tomboy. You've had the intelligence to recognize and ACCEPT the fact that you are what you are and to learn to live with it.

The causes for a heterosexual male to be a croddresser are very similar (in reason) to the reason you're the tomboy you say you are. In a nutshell you are BORN that way and you had no elective choice in the matter. Although some investigations have been made into the subject, medical science has yet to discover the reasons as to why 5% to 10% of males are crossdressers simply because it's a low item on their lists of priorities to research. There is indisputable evidence that a former drug called diethylstilbestrol (DES for short) was prescribed to many women who were likely to miscarry. This drug is a synthetic estrogen (female hormone) and it helped to prevent miscarriages in pregnant women. However, it wasn't learned for several years that this drug was causing some MAJOR side effects in the form of birth defects. Many males born to women who had had DES administered to them were born transgendered. Many of the females had even more severe birth defects that would show up later, such as a high rate of breast and uterine cancer. Once these problems began to be recognized, DES was banned from use in the United States in the 1950's, but continued to be used in a few other countries until the 1970's. It is STILL in use today as a cancer drug, but NOT for women who are (or may become) pregnant. Even though DES is no longer in widespead use today, with the number of prescription drugs in use today which are suddenly being pulled from the market, is it not feasable that some of THESE are also possibly responsible for some men being crossdressers?

DES is one of the KNOWN reasons for a male to be a crossdresser, but there are numerous other reasons that have been catagorized as highly possible. One of these is the "hormone wash theory" which takes place in the womb near the end of the first trimester of pregnancy. I won't go into detail aboit it here, but there is information about it in previous posts on theis forum as well as in other places on the web.

I've said all that to say this: Your husband didn't ASK or VOLUNTEER to be a crossdresser any more than YOU asked or volunteered to be the tomboy or have the dominant traits you say you have. However, when we are not given a choice in such matters we are forced to learn to live with whatever hand we've been dealt. Your husband's NEED to dress (and yes, it is a NEED) is not something that he simply developed a desire for. The root causes, although as of yet unknown, were in place the day he was born and unless someone in the scientific field makes some HUGE strides in discovering what those root causes are - AND finds a way to SAFELY do away with them, you can expect his need to be administered to in whatever way he can until such time as other solutions are in place.

I have not intended to say anything here in an antagonistic way, nor to dispute the way you feel about your discovery or situation. We are all individuals and we all have individual feelings and I want to respect YOUR opinions just as I want you to respect mine and the others who have answered your posts here.

For what it might be worth to you, I have a personal web site that just MIGHT answer some of your questions. It's a CLEAN site with a lot of common sense/down-to-earth information that could be of benefit to you AND your husband if you'd care to access it. The link follows my name below.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Dana

04-10-2006, 12:43 AM

One of the definitions of reality is: "There's the way things are ~ and there's the way things should be ~ the sum total difference between the two is reality. That's the point that you find yourself ~ your perspective of how things should be and the way that they are.

A couple of things. I hear you ~ and what you're saying, and I post the following from another site to articulate your feelings:

" Not Understanding That She's A Woman And You're A Man

I'm about to get philosophical on your ass, so be cool. When it comes down to it, most men don't understand women.

But the REAL kicker is that most men don't understand MEN, either! Most guys don't know what it's like to get in touch with their MALE NATURE.

Combine these two issues, and you get a guy who behaves in ways that DO NOT trigger ATTRACTION in women.

Women have a "nature". A female nature.

Men also have a "nature". You guessed it, it's a MALE nature.

Women are coy. They like to play hard to get. They like to enjoy the chase. They love anticipation. They love to "let a guy catch them"...

Men are competitive. Men are dominant. Men like to play rough games, win things, and rule their territory.

Well guess what? Most men don't BEHAVE like men when they're
in the presence of a woman that they "like". And since most men don't understand female human nature, they don't demonstrate that
they "get it" when they're with women that they "like".

Women like men. Men like women. There are POWERFUL causes at play here.

When you're around a woman you like, don't act like a GIRLY-MAN. It's not sexy, and it's not attractive...

And single women HATE IT!"

This is a quote from as I said another website ~ about how to "succed with women ~ and sleep with more women than Magic Johnson ever thought about.

You know what? Playing the traditional male role ~ such as described above gets old. Being the provider, having all the answers to all the questions, all the solutions to all the problems, be all to all, being in-fallable, strong in all instances and in all cases ~ never breaking down.

Women such as yourself ~ the strong, independent, self supporting, "I don't need a man, cause a man can't do anything I can't do myself!" attitude I avoid like the plauge. But, I don't go for the weak, needy type either. The kind of a woman I look for is the kind, that is a balnaced human being, and who see me as a human being ~ and not just a meal ticket, or her E-ride ticket through life.

Me? I'm a reited United States Marine. I've more than have earned, proven and validated my masculinity over and over again many times, Thank you very much. I sure and confident in who and what I am as a person, a man.

If you're staying together "just" for the sake of the children, then you're in it for all the wrong reasons ~ and its either going to blow up in your face ~ or your going to have wasted some of the best years of your life, and look back over those lost years with much bitterness and resentment.

I caught Dr. Phil, (Yea! That's right, I watch his show when I can catch it, I guess that that's just more proof positive evidence that I'm not a normal man/male) He was talking about couples that were divroced ~ and who were trying to get back together. He said time and time and again, that when he couseled couples, that it almost never fails that one of the two isn't so much interested in fixing the problem as they are in fixing the blame ~ or to put it another way, to have him (Dr. Phil) validate that they are right ~ and the other party is wrong! I believe that is what your doing here. Your seeking validation that you, your opinions, your perspectives, your attitude on the subject of men cross dressing is right, and that your husband's is wrong.

Why do some men cross dress? Well its like Dr. Phil said, whenever a person does something, even something harmful to themselves, or others, even the ones they love ~ they do it because on some level it works for them. They are fulfilling some need on some level, that they can't otherwise fulfill.

Why do men crossdress? Because on some level it works for them. Why do men crossdress? Ask a thosand crossdressers that question, and you more apt to get a thousand different answers than not.

For some it is sexual. For some it is a release from their day to day exsistence of their lives. For some it is expressing and experiencing femininty. For some, its mearly stepping outside of their lives. For some its a form of stress relief, for others, it can be any one of a number of or combination of things.

You seem to be limited in your comprehension of the concept of a man dressing in women's attire ~ to me because you approaching it from the perspective of bi-polar logic, and absolutism. Either its black or its white, either its wet or dry, its either light or its dark, either its feminiine or its masculine. And, in your thinking these are absolutes ~ and there seems to be very little room for you to conceive of even the exsistence of any gray area.

You almost didn't marry your husband because he was too emotional? Wow! Since you enjoy absolutes, find men expressing Human emotion so repulsive, perhaps you should consider men that are incapable of empathic feelings. Such as rapist, child molestors, and serial killers? That's why most of are capable of doing the horrendous acts they do ~ because they are incapable of empathic feelings.

I'm being facitiious of course. I'm just making the point that being with a man who shows emotion is not such a bad thing.

In talking to your grilfriends, I would hope you did so, in a "general conversational" sort of way ~ and given you emotional posts thus far to date, would be inclined to believe that you have. What you going to get from them, each and everytime ~ especially in a group setting is a spouting of the official "party line" when in-so-far as you know anyone of them is currently involved with, or seeking to get involved with a cross dresser.

:eek: Yes, that's right, there are women ~ who actively seek out men who are crossdressers. I realize that's hard for you to comprehend, ~ given that its such a horrific crime against the laws of nature, God, and the Church and all.

Right now, you're trying to get this thing wrapped around your head ~ when many of us here ~ have spent the better part of our lifetimes trying to do so. You're not going to find the answers to your questions in a day or two.

You're un-questionably angry, hurt, and feeling a tusami of emotions, which are sweeping over you, whilte the Storms of Life are coming one right after the other.

Most of all your greiving. And, you need to recognize the multiple phases of grieving. Anger, denial, etc. The final one is acceptance. Your grieving for the man that you married ~ or at least thought you were marrying, your griving for the marriage that you thought you had. Your grieving for the loss of the "dream" of the life you had hoped to have and to build with your husband. And, many, many more that I can't articulate ~ simply because I'm not you, living your life.

What I would strongly suggest at ths point ~ is to just put the subject up on the shelf for three months. Don't discuss it with DH, and ask DH, to at least try and not bring it up, and to keep it out of your face for the time being. You need that much time just to calm down, soak it all up, work through your feelings ~ emotions. You need that much time ~ to just even begin to get that wrapped around you head ~ let alone into your head.

Meanwhile, I believe that you and the DH need to get back to the basics and fundamentals of being a couple, of being married. I'm not saying that the DH doesn't have his issues to work on and to work through ~ any given man in any given marriage / relationship does. But, remember when you go to pointing fingers ~ you've got at least three pointing back you ~ and IMHO you've clearly have some issues other than just crossdressing. And, even if you walked out today, got on a plane to the otherside of the world, and started over ~ you're still going to have those issues. The major one is looking at the world through the perspective of absolutes, and bi-polar logic.

Hope this help. Use what you can ~ discard the rest!

P.S. Masturbation isn't cheating. When it comes to masturbation 98% of all men ~ even those that are married ~ do so! The other 2% are lying!

0.02

confused

04-10-2006, 01:00 AM

I sent a little over 4 years in the Coast Guard, I was involved in the hurricane Katrina rescue. My 40 year old boat went straight through the hurricane, we picked up the dead in the ocean. I saw things I will never forget. The fact is there is a lot of minor things people worry about, money, cars, a big house, their career.
There is one basic question, do you love him? I am sure there are things your husband doesn't like about you. There are many worse things in life, spousal abuse, alchoholism, drug abuse, child abuse, etc.
Crossdressing is around the world. One of the migrant boats we picked up a year ago had a crossdresser. He came from Haiti. One of the Native American tribes in the U.S. in the mid 1800's were seen wearing womens clothing stolen from a wagon-train. In this Native American tribe they took this from nature. Basically since many male animals are brightly colored and decrative to attact a mate, so to the men of this tribe. The white men thought it was odd and put their own personal beliefs into what they saw (I'm sure you now what they though).
Clothes Don't make you a man, it's the actions of your life that do. Life is too short don't sweat the small stuff.

Miriannah

04-10-2006, 01:32 AM

I think in my case as the wife a major issue is that my husband corelates this dressing to sexual desires. He watches porn and masturbates. So my issue that this is a sexual preference and my confusion is what is the sexual preference.Again as I have said in other parts of todays dialogue is he the girl or the guy?? My fear lies in if he is the girl then is there a transgender issue. But yet he is not attracted to males.Do youget where I am coming from??That is my issue..And what I need help understanding at this time..
Well, it sounds to me like your husband is a fetish crossdresser, most of which are essentially straight males who get off from wearing womens' clothing. You said earlier that his clothes were all slinky things that you'd associate with a trashy woman? Yup, I'm almost positive that's what he is, based on your descriptions anyway.

What is a fetish crossdreser? It's basically where CDing is just like any other fetish (such as BDSM) in that it stimulates sexual desire and intensity. The fetish crossdresers here are (aside from the crossdressing) pretty much just like any other straight male out there, so you're in luck.

If you try to have him stop, let me tell you that it won't work, even if he tries. Stop and think for a moment. What really gets you off, sexually? You don't have to post it here, (in fact, I'd rather you didn't! ^^)but just think about it for a few moments. Now, how would you feel if this was taken away from you? Would you not try to at least get it back briefly when you could? You can haul his clothes off to the dump yourself, but rest assured, he will get ahold of more, somehow. Hell, I tried to get rid of all mine many years ago and 'quit.' Guess what? It was a failure. ;)

Lastly, is it so bad if his kids grow up around something like that? Sure, conservative/christian america speaks about how bad it supposedly is for deviating from the sexual norm, but does CDing really hurt anybody? Not that I can tell, but I'm not trying to debate it, but rather, I just want you to think it over for awhile. If anything, the kids will grow up being more open to other ways of life by being exposed to such a thing. That's good, right?

I wish you luck in all this, so please, think things through. I just hope you come to a decision that will make everyone (that includes you!) happy.

Edit: I missed this--

I want normalcy. And it is not selfish to want that whe it can be found.
Sorry, but I have to disagree. What constitutes "normal" really is different from person to person, which means there really is no 'set in stone' list of what is normal, and what isn't. By saying you want things "to be normal" what you are really saying is that you want things "to be this way." That...is selfish, and I say this because you are only considering your own personal feelings in all this--not your kids' and certainly not your husband's. Don't take what I say here as a personal attack, because it isn't. I'd just like you to sit for awhile, think things over from other points of view aside from your own.

Again, good luck and may things work out for the best. ^^

Delila

04-10-2006, 01:52 AM

brina you sound very angry right now my advice is to calm down and try to think this over from what might be a different point of view. What if your gay ex started dressing would you stop being friends with him? I have to wonder what made you fall in love with this man you are with to begin with, I mean you say that he is feminine and not your type, well then why did you marry him? there has to be something behind it other than the kids maybe you should focus on what you love about him and not the things you hate about him, if you can't do that then perhaps you should not be married at all. marriage is about comprimise and while this may seem like a big one it may be the one that decides whether he is the love of your life or just another guy.

rhondasxycd

04-10-2006, 05:41 AM

I just find it so ironic..That a women can be a Tomboy wear mens clothes do physical mens jobs play mens games and nothing ever be wrong with it..But wear a dress and want to go shopping play with a Barbie !!! Its morally Reprehensiable!!!!! My worthless two cents !! Giggle !!!!

Amanduhrob

04-10-2006, 06:22 AM

My question to you is...Define "normal", how do you define normal?

You're admittedly a very drab, tomboyish person, and you claim you are the way you are because you couldn't find a man "strong enough" to take control of you. Maybe your husband dresses en femme because you aren't effeminate enough for him. Just remember that the domineering type of guy you claim to want is usually the one who ends up on Cops for domestic violence.

Semper Fi

sharifemme

04-10-2006, 06:46 AM

Brina...

I am TG and I'm not going to lecture you but I wanted to welcome you to the board and let you know that I am here for you if I can be of any help. I know that a lot of times, the last thing a GG wants when she finds out is conversation from other TGs. However, I would be willing to share if that is what you want.

Shari

Oh where do i begin? A couple of months ago i found out my husband of only a few months was a cross dresser by finding a ton of clothes in his trunk. I was mortified. How could this be? You have a son. I have a daughter and i do not want this type of relationship. Don't get me wrong these were my thoughts at that moment. I am not insulting anyone. But we have the ideal life, 2 kids a cat a dog great jobs a beautiful home and now this?? Of course at that moment i said "it is over you know that right?" his response was i expected that. He has been married 2 times before and they found out and left him. Low and behold he had told me that they left for other reasons. Anyway i decided to stick it out because of the children i mean i would jump in front of a truck for them so why not sacrifice myself for their happiness. So i asked him to get rid of the clothes and think of the kids. Well i thought he did i saw them in the trash and then last week i was supposed to go away for a meeting and i had a sick feeling that he was up to something so decided to swing by the house to see and you betcha the clothes were laying on the bed. Ok guys/gals what is this i need to understand. I feel so lost so confused. I do not find the female race attractive at all, thus my dilemma with this situation. I love the male race the masculinity and the security they present. With my husband i never have felt this feeling, if i broke up with him he would cry. I dont cry with him or any other man. he is emotional. Me i could care less when it comes to relationships. Dont cry just move on whats the big deal? I almost didnt marry him because he was so emotional and sensitive and i need a man that is stronger than me and truth be told i am pretty strong, so strong that i too have been questioned of my sexuality by outsiders, but i love love men..anyway this is not about me but about my kids.. I do not like the dressing and many of you have said that your wives have found out. How do we cope? Is it that he wants to be with a man? I did find out that he took a toy and used it but said he did not like it. He said he is not attracted to men. But then why would you dress like that? I do not understand and need you guys/gals to help me. Please....sorry this is so long..and all i can say is thank you to all those who respond..

TGMarla

04-10-2006, 06:57 AM

I love to dress up as a female, but I'm not at all attracted to men. If anything, my strong attraction to women is a contributing factor as to why I love to dress up. It's an old argument: I'm so attracted to women and femininity, I actually try to emulate them.

That said, I also accept that as a man, I need to be strong, and masculine. I don't reject this, either. It's a duality of existence that is hard to balance, but rewarding in doing so. Many men who crossdress become better people because of the empathy for women that comes with the crossdressing.

You married for the wrong reasons. You don't care about relationships? You did it only for the kids? I'd be resentful of the kids, then, if I were your husband. I want the relationship. The kids can reap the rewards of that relationship. But the relationship between the man and the woman is far more important than doting on the kids. By this, I mean, raise your kids, teach them, love them, protect them with your life, as they are the most important beings in the world to you. But when it comes to living your life, your spouse must come first, because it is the foundation that you two provide that allows your children to grow up in a strong home. Without that, your children will suffer the fate that so many of today's children suffer. They become disaffected, alienated, lost, disinterested, brain lazy, and resentful that their world offers them little. It all begins with a strong relationship between the parents.

If you can't handle his crossdressing, and you don't care about the relationship, what the hell are you married to him for? He and you both deserve better. Either understand that it takes both the masculine and the feminine to complete the circle, and accept that...grow as a person (both of you), or get the hell out.

Anita Mae GG

04-10-2006, 07:06 AM

:thumbsup:
But when it comes to living your life, your spouse must come first, because it is the foundation that you two provide that allows your children to grow up in a strong home. Without that, your children will suffer the fate that so many of today's children suffer. They become disaffected, alienated, lost, disinterested, brain lazy, and resentful that their world offers them little. It all begins with a strong relationship between the parents.

If you can't handle his crossdressing, and you don't care about the relationship, what the hell are you married to him for? He and you both deserve better. Either understand that it takes both the masculine and the feminine to complete the circle, and accept that...grow as a person (both of you), or get the hell out.

WELL SAID MARLA!!!!!!!

Sharon

04-10-2006, 07:11 AM

I don't have any additional words of wisdom that haven't already been said numerous times here, so I'll refrain from repeating them.

One thing though -- you came to us! We did not drag you in here to prove why we are worthwhile human beings -- it was your decision. It does no service to anyone to join the forum to just insult and belittle us and our lifestyles.

You have faithfully followed the "why crossdressing is wrong" script, not missing a single line, plus adding a few twists here and there that I do not see very often. It is my hope that you really take the time to read many of these replies your harangue has elicited, and reconsider your negative attitude about, what seems to be, just about everything. It will not only be good for your family, it will be invaluable for yourself.

Joy Carter

04-10-2006, 07:23 AM

Boy has this thread ever opened up alot of eyes the Tom Boy thing himmmm that is one aspect of crossdressing I had forgotten about, so what about it ?
GG wears a ball cap, GG wears pocket tee, GG wears Tigers team jacket, GG wears guys jeans and cowboy boots ? She is accepted in society and in some cases thought of as sexy, A few may see her as a lesbian, some may see her as a fashion statement a trend setter some how breaking boundries that women have been denyed for so long. But a GM (genetic Male) well let's say I'd be wasting our time typing it out, hardly seems equil now does it ?
Brina I worked in a social agency and I delt with a lot of people and their problems I had a family that wanted their thirteen year old son out of the house because he was a CD. Their son who was their own flesh and blood no compromise just get him out of here was their solution. I was so sad about that case It bothered me for days, luckly I didn't have to follow it up. I have no advice other than what has already been given here you need to talk and talk alot take a break then talk some more, just try to keep the emotions out of it.

Good Luck And God Bless Joy Carter

TGMarla

04-10-2006, 07:46 AM

I'd like to add something to my statements. Look, I don't wish anything bad on you. I might even like you if I were to meet you. We might even be friends. But I stand by what I said. Furthermore, you said yourself that you don't much go in for the feminine trappings, that you don't like dresses much, and that you're admittedly tomboyish. Of course, you being so conventional in all other ways, you absolutely hate these things on men. Do you understand just how hypocritical this seems? You come off as quite a hypocrite. You deny to others that which you dislike yourself. But you said you want a "manly" man. But you aren't yourself a very "womanly" woman. How would you like it if he were to take you to task for not wearing lipstick, doing your makeup and curling your hair, or wearing a pretty skirt once in a while? Doesn't he have a right to have this in his life, just as you have the "right" to surround yourself with all the trappings of manhood in the men you seek? You want the prototypical male: all hairy, telling off-color jokes, drinking a bit too much, picking his nose in public, adjusting himself in front of others, all while dressing like a lumberjack, yet you do not provide for your own spouse the prototypical female. Anyway, you settled for this guy, who is emotional, and in tune with his feelings, no doubt sensitive to your needs......all for the sake of the kids.....nothing more.

How hollow! How unfulfilling! I hope that when you one day find what it is you want out of your life, that you enjoy the taste. If it were on my menu, I'd choose a different entree.

Annesah

04-10-2006, 08:38 AM

Where's J. Edgar Hover when she really needs him? :thumbsdn:

Sedona

04-10-2006, 09:50 AM

Where's J. Edgar Hover when she really needs him? :thumbsdn:

No kidding. This horse has been riden each way and sideways, and still this thread is fascinating.

ReginaK

04-10-2006, 10:41 AM

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this, have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked?? What about a little testosterone.

You should read up on some of the things the Nazi's did during WWII. They also thought crossdressing, homosexuality, and many other things were related to hormone levels. Upon injecting the above mentiond people with testosterone, the only thing they ended up with was a bunch of horny, hyper-agressive crossdressers and homosexuals.

Even today in parts of the middle east, if you're caught crossdressing, you'll be injected with testosterone to fix your supposed "imbalance". And that's if you're lucky. The police are completely free to beat you and kill you on the spot.

Then why do you guys jack off to it??Any one have an answer??And while your doing that are you a girl being done by a girl or a guy being done by a girl while you are dressed in girl clothes??

Everyone masturbates. Married, unmarried, in a dress, in pants, or completely naked. Calling masturbation cheating is akin to calling chewing gum dinner.

As far as what's being thought about, does it really matter? Everyone has an outrageous thought once in a while. Some people think about killing their bosses. Some people think about being rich. And rarely do any of them accomplish it. It's just a thought. For all we know, your husband could be thinking about chocolate chip cookies.

Thoughts aren't crimes and everyone is entitled to them regardless of what they are. It's completely unfair and even scary that you would use a person's thoughts against them. Regardless of your husband's thoughts, YOU are his reality and that's all that matters.

But most of you men have come to the conclusion that you can touch upon your femine traits thus thrusting us into this mayhem. Do you think I like pumping gas carrying in the groceries making more money because half the men in this world do not get it on how to multi task and make a ton of money( almost all my girlfriends beat their mens salary).

From this, it sounds like you have a problem with stereotyping. Let's play "what if". What if your husband meets your demands, stops crossdressing, becomes the manly unemotional man you want him to be. Would you be happy? Now what he did that in exchange for you being a womanly woman? And by womanly woman, I mean no career, pregnant, and barefoot in front of the stove all day? Would you still be happy?

My point is you look like a hypocrite. You'll excuse tom-boyish behavior as "survival of the fittest", but you'll dimiss any "excuse" for crossdressing.

Again as I have said in other parts of todays dialogue is he the girl or the guy?? My fear lies in if he is the girl then is there a transgender issue. But yet he is not attracted to males.Do youget where I am coming from??That is my issue..And what I need help understanding at this time..

If he doesn't like guys, it's safe to say he is the guy. But even if he does like to think he's the girl, is it hurting anyone? It's better it stays a fantasy than become a reality. As long as he is monogamous, his fantasies are pretty non-issue.

Julie York

04-10-2006, 10:53 AM

I've been thinking about this thread all day.....And I keep coming back to the same thing...."That poor poor guy!"

I hope he can find us when he needs us.

Ranee Daze

04-10-2006, 10:55 AM

Love that gets tested regularly is the strong love. Clearly, remaining in the closet, or trunk shows that he loves you and wants to protect what he has with you. He's not gay.

So you have some options here:
1- force him with an ultimatum to stop and purge. Well if you are looking for a road to hell, this would be the sign to follow.

2 - Talk to him about "managing" his dressing. Turn a blind eye if you must, but by giving him some regular free time and space to dress you will do two things. One,
free him from the fear of getting caught. Two, make him incredibly happy and grateful to you. This might result in a more happy, more loving, more relaxed, more commited man for you. Are you ready for all of that.

3 - Open your mind to sharing it with him. Everyone has an alter ego to discover. He probably doesn't really want to share it with you so much, but he might enjoy jumping from Betty (you) to Veronica once in awhile. Really, by creating a fantasy character for yourself you'l open the door for some real fun that you might really need in your life.

4 - Get educated. Go to Tri-Ess, here, whatever and get the goods on hetero crossdressers. We're really nice folks!

Annesah

04-10-2006, 11:56 AM

Julie; Dear, you have just said it all.

Thank you TamaraGG. Hugs. Anne

bobbiejo

04-10-2006, 12:14 PM

Iu f this is not the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black I don't know what is. I too would be angry had the two of us married and you Brina, did not share with me the fact that you are a crossdresser (you did say how much you dislike dresses, and how much of a tomboy you are), and the fact that you think as a man, dress like a man, think you are the bread winner, that you would pump your
own gas, my job, not yours, and that you are really nothing short of being a guy in female's clothing. Really. I have read each post and feel that you have really missed
the boat with your husband. There is no law saying you cannot wear guys clothes, and as far as I know there is no
law stating he cannot wear female attire. It is a social thing and one which while not in acceptance, is done daily
by more than any of us could imagine. My wife told me to
look at my femme side once upon a time, and guess what?
I have one. And guess what else? It makes me a far better friend, lover, father, husband and person. I am not
nearly as intolerant of others, and I have softened quite a
bit. Oh, I am still a guy, but now I get to enjoy far more
thanks to my lover, my wife, my confident, the mother of
my children, and my best friend in the whole world. How
would you like to be able to say that about your husband?
I find it difficult to believe that you went to your friends and actually told them about your husband's deepest secrets which he has only shared with you out of trust. You
have betrayed a sacred trust, one which can only make matters worse for him, you and possibly the children. Guess what Brina? I would be willing to bet that one of your friends was actually squirming in her seat hoping that
you and the others don't know that her husband is into crossdressing too. When others around me began this kind
of gossip, I usually get a big grin on my face as does my wife. Say, you never did say how old you two are? Just
curious as I am probably old enough to be your Father.
Hope all of this is helping you. Good luck to you both.

Sam-antha

04-10-2006, 02:23 PM

Brina,
Your troubles have been thought about by many people for a quite a long time. ( Some 2,500 reads of your thread have been made and that is a lot of time spent) .
Have you been reading our thoughts, the advice, the opinions ? They are given here to help (a) you and (b) your man, in either order.
I suspect that by now he is more in need of help (than he was before) than you are, especially if he is not a member. He has no one to listen to he cannot not talk with friends about your discovery.
More so since you have talked in real time, face to face with your - friends.
I noted that when I first read your letter, but the import did not click in.

You should not have done that.

I hope it will not lead to trouble, either between you or with those friends one or two of whom may have a man like yours.
You both really need us.
Lets hear from you (or him, or both together, on the same keyboard, at the the same time perhaps) please.

Samm

Danielle

04-10-2006, 02:53 PM

First off welcome and as a straight crossdresser I can tell you that is so difficult but not impossible.Time and pacience will be the tool to keep communication open,understanding is the key to start disecting the good and the bad that you don't like.He is a big man for me just because he had the balls to tell you..now the ball is in your hands???

kittypw GG

04-10-2006, 06:43 PM

Brina,
Let me review a few of your quotes:
"I don not find the female race attractive at all".
"I really think women are gross"

Maybe the problem really lies with you instead of your husbands crossdressing. How can you find women gross? You are one are you not? Do you think you are gross and unattractive? You said that you are a parent how will you give your daughter or your son for that matter the gift of pride in ones self? You need to seek professional help and the sooner the better. I feel so very sorry for you that you have such trouble liking yourself. I understand the turmoil that comes with finding something out about someone that totally blows you away but you are taking it to extreme levels.

Here are some other disturbing quotes from you:
"Me I could care less when it comes to a relationship"
"I want normalcy and it is not selfish to want that when it can be found"

Maybe you are not mature enough to be in a grown up mature relationship. These comments indicate to me that you are married for all of the wrong reasons. Do you really think that you can just disregard the feelings of your choosen partner because it does not fit your fantasy of an ideal relationship?
What do you think that your are conveying to your children? Do you know what commitment is? You say you want normalcy but I don't think it is quite normal to find females gross or to have such conflict with ones self. You said your are a country club girl and then you said that you are a tom boy which is it? I get the feeling that you are so confused about yourself. This confusion may be exagerated by having to deal with the idea of crossdressing.

Here are some other quotes that show your confusion with yourself and your inner conflict.:
"I want a man to just take control"
"Dresses restrict my ability to dominate and control things".
Which is it? Do you want to control or do you want someone to take control?

Again I am getting the feeling that you have more of a conflict with yourself. I think that the new information about your husband has stirred up all of these feelings that have nothing to do with him. Again I would urge you to make an appoitment with a professional to help you sort out your issues and conflicts within yourself. You owe it to yourself and your children.

Now let me address your question about testosterone. I am also in the medical field and I have tested my husbands testosterone my self and it happens to be to the high end of normal. There is a condition called hypogonadism that some men have which leaves them with little testosterone and more estrogen and progesterone than the normal male. These men may expirence feelings of femininity or gender confusion. Upping the testosterone does not alway help these feelings. I happen to know one person who lives as a female now who is afflicted in this manner. I also have had questions as to where crossdressing comes from and why it exists. But gaining that knowledge really does not matter much. This conclusion has come to me after much self assessment. I don't need to understand it.
If I love my husband then I have to accept that it is a part of him. This answers another one of your questions: "Why are you accepting of this?"
It is because of love girl. Something I am not sure you are in touch with.
I am not at all saying here that being accepting means that you have to give up everything that you want out of your relationship.

We all have to find our comfort levels and set boundries. COMPRIMISE, TALK, LISTEN, RESPECT EACHOTHER AND LOVE EACHOTHER. Treat one another like you would want to be treated.

Lastly I will remind you of one more thing that you said: "I need you guys to talk to me with the truth no bull or smoothing it over"

Stick around and you will get all of this that you want.

Next time you address the forum use a little more compassion and listen a little more. We can and will help you if you really want it.

Best of luck to you , Kitty.

ChrissyGG

04-10-2006, 07:17 PM

Kitty what a great response i totally agree with you!

Dana

04-10-2006, 08:12 PM

Kitty ~ outstanding post! Hammer ~ Nail ~ Dead Center!

I sensed many of the things that you stated. As I've always said ~ "Think! Before you go pointing fingers ~ and always remember for everyone that you point you've got three pointing back at youself!"

I think that Brinna has to ~ needs to look at those three fingers~ I think that the reason she's having such a problem with her husband's cross dressing issuses ~ is that they've given rise to her own internal issues ~ whatever they may be! And Clearly she has some :cheer: :cheers: :iagree: :notworthy: :yrtw:

TGMarla

04-10-2006, 08:41 PM

Brina, I have not seen that you've been back since I posted. You had been good with the responses, then taylored off a bit. Anyway, a thought on what Kitty said:

You want a man to just take control.
Dresses restrict your ability to dominate and control things.

You probably bear a great deal of responsibility every day. He had a son, and you have been raising a daughter. Having even one child is a lot of work. Now you have two to take care of. Like I said, lots of work. You wish that you didn't have so much to do all the time. But making sure that these things get done yourself is the only way you know to live. If you don't do it, it probably won't get done, right? Single parenthood assures such behavior in a responsible adult.

You wish a man would take control. But men are so useless! They are so irresponsible! The never grow up and they act like children. You grew up believing that men were the breadwinners, and women took care of the home and the kids. That's the way it was on TV when you were growing up. Leave it to Beaver. Split families? Even the Brady Bunch made it work. And he was the breadwinner, and she raised the kids. Heck, they even had a maid. Can't beat that! That's what "normal" is supposed to be! But the truth is, men aren't that way, are they? You have had to work, and you have had to raise your daughter, and you have had to be the one controlling things, or both you and your daughter were sunk.

And then, men leave. Sometimes for other women. They never worry much about the kids, then. Alimony is tough to get, and tougher to make sure you get it. It's a cold, unforgiving world that didn't quite live up to the hype in the fairy tales. That's right. While we weren't looking, someone opened Pandora's Box and let all the demons out. Now look at the world. It's going straight down the sewer. Try raising kids in this world! And everything's so expensive, both parents have to work! Time for family? What time? And furthermore, when you work, you're expected to look presentable. Career wear, makeup, a little jewelry.....perhaps a skirt or a dress now and then. Shoes with heels on them.....

Yeah, right. And the men at work then look at you like some kind of sex toy. "Wow, did you see so and so today? She looked hot!" These attitudes just aren't conducive to being taken seriously in the workplace. The only way to make sure anyone respects you and takes you seriously, is to tone down the makeup, wear you hair shorter, and the hell with the dresses. They restrict one's ability to dominate and control things, don't they?

And on top of all this, when everything was just starting to seem normal: Your husband likes to crossdress.

Okay. I may be way off base here. I'm not Dr. Phil, I just play him on the forum sometimes. But does any of this sound familiar? Any of those darts find the bull's eye? Even somewhat close to the mark? I've seen the same thing from my wife, and from all her friends. And from women I've worked with. And friend's friends. You know this is true. You see it in yourself, and in your own friends. It's all around us. It's everywhere.

This kind of baggage doesn't travel well. You need to put it down. Sell it in your own private garage sale. Ask yourself, "Is he a good man?" We don't know him here...yet...I think (well...we might, you never know), but as for the crossdressing, well, Brina, it's time for you to grow a little as a person. It's time to expand, learn, and grow. Maybe this is a kind of gift to you. Did you ever think of that? Maybe you will find something in it that you never would have thought. Maybe it's there for a good reason. Maybe you should try and expand and embrace this somehow. Imagine what your relationship, that's right, RELATIONSHIP, could be. Hey, maybe relationships are a good thing after all. Maybe this could help to fill that hole in your life where you store your baggage.

I don't mean to be harsh with you. That's not my intent. I'm only trying to help. I hope all of this has helped in some way. You're on 5 pages now. That's quite a barrage. If you can sift through it, and come out in a better way, please let us know. Obviously, we care, or we wouldn't have spent so much time and breath here.

Sophie62

04-10-2006, 08:55 PM

Dear Brina

When I first read your thred you have only one replay. I wanted to replay to you at that moment, but I had to go so I decided to check later on you. SURPRISE!!! A 103 replays in less than an hour. The only think that came to my mind was there are people here in this forum who do care.

Brina, I am a recent member in this forum and it is my first experience in being part of an experience like these. However, in the short time that I have being in contact with the site, I have found something more value than some information about Crossdressing. I have found a display of compasion, love, caring, undestanding and support.

My dear, I have been crossdressing since I was a little boy. As you, I also ask Why? Why me?. Different than others in the forum , I have repressed my desires to feel pretty and femenine ,conforming my Crossdressing to sporadic incursions.

I am an hetereosexual male who likes and loves women. I have never being attracted to man. In my life, I have only had sexual encounters with GG (Gentic Girls) and I have also fall in love with them. I never told them of my crossresing becuase I thought it was something that I did once in a while and I have never had the need to do it everyday.

I life my life as a man. I do not need to change my sex to feel ok. I am not some one who feels trapped in the wrong body (please, check on Transexualism, it is very different than Crossdressing). I am not Gay since I am not attracted to those of my same sex. As you can see, it is something very difficult to understand by anyone.

You might think a man who dresses as a woman is an homosexual. Most homosexual males do not like to put in women's clothes. They like to be men, but the like to be with men. Most Gay men are very proud of their masculinity and find it very repulsive to wear women's clothing. Have you seen the movie "Brokeback Mountain"?. That is a classic example of male homosexuality. Just try to imagine putting women clothes on those two macho gay guys, they would kill you before you even try it!!!

Crossdressing is not about being Gay or not. I can only tell you that even some of us who are fully aware of our hetereosexual tendencies (that is the attraction between a man and a woman), sometimes wonder about our own sexual orientation because of crossdressing. Being difficult for you to understand it does not make it less difficult for us to understand it ourselves?

Brina, I can relate to your pain. I can see how much you need help to deal with this issue. Believe me, some of us have lived our their lives in denial,remorse, pain, confusion and longliness. You can not immagine how hard had been for me to read trough your lines. I can see the sense of desparation and confusion that might be covering your life at this moment, but at least you are trying to reach out and find some understanding.

Brina, I can only tell you at this moment that you if you really want ot understand what is going on with your husband you have to take step by step. I can understand the hurt, but you need to go easy on this if you ever want to get some answers and find a productive way to address the situation.

Go, talk to him, ask him, get informed, ask us, before you jump into conclusions...may be the wrong ones.

You have come to a place where people address so many issues regarding with crossdressing, but we do it with respect and understanding. Feel free to ask and express your views.

Sincerely

Sophie

BethGG

04-10-2006, 09:34 PM

Because so many men have become to girly. As this site is talking about. Do you guys actually think we like having to be the tom boys. NO WAY. But most of you men have come to the conclusion that you can touch upon your femine traits thus thrusting us into this mayhem.
Speak for yourself, PLEASE, do not say "we", ok? You don't "have" to be anything. I'm not "thrusted" into anything. I'm sorry you feel you are, but seriously you need to stop generalizing.

Do you think I like pumping gas carrying in the groceries making more money because half the men in this world do not get it on how to multi task and make a ton of money( almost all my girlfriends beat their mens salary). How do you think this feels we all hate it but there is a big difference between bring a tom boy and a CD.
:lol: You have GOT to be kidding me! Are you the one driving the car? The one eating the food? What makes you think someone else should be doing these things for you? Perhaps get a personal maid/assistant? Also, you're actually complaining about making good money?? Do you know how many people would kill to be able to make ANYTHING?! I don't even have a job right now, I would give anything to find a job that just pays me enough to live on :straightface:

Dana

04-10-2006, 09:50 PM

Brina, if I've come down a little harsh on you ~ I apolgize. Your post and attitude that comes across has hit some of my raw nerves.

For the better part of my life ~ I've lived a very masculine day to day exsistence. The jobs that I've held, many "normal" men couldn't and wouldn't have toted the note on. I've seen things, been through things, expericecd experiences that most "normal" people haven't.

Life no matter who you are, are what sex you were born, nor where you were born is a struggle. Granted! Its all relative ~ just about anyone not from a Western country would gladly trade places with the poorest person from that country ~ let alone the USA.

I've just today gotten a e-mail from a 50 TG who is thinking about SRS! My initial response was that she's got to be insane. Its hard enough being a GG -50 year old let alone a fully transititioned MTF TS? It just is ~ not just my opinion ~ just fact. Hell! Its hard going that route when your 20!

Being TG, wheather its being a hetro CD, a Bi CD, whatever ~ isn't a joke ~and its not an easy way to go ~ its going to cost you! And, your going to pay in 'spades' with heartache, heartbreak, and hardship on many, many different levels.

Being a woman isn't easy. Being a man isn't easy either. Being both can sometimes be Hell!

You didn't say how old you were, nor he. But, having been married twice before ~ and now marired to you ~ I think its pretty well established that he's orientated toward women, mentally, pyschologoically, physically, and emotionally, and yes I dare say it,..........spiritually!

From your post, it would seem that your main concern is that he might be a transexual. Doesn't sound as though he is! Right behind that, is that is "is he bi-sexual?" Again, it doesn't sound as though he is ~ it sounds more like he's self endulging in fanatsy. Most of us are adult enough to know that there's fantasy and there's fantasy ~ which seldom if ever matches up to reality. "Miss Reality" is the biggest "bitch" you will ever meet! She doesn't play! And, she's for real ~ for real and sure! She will throw you in a hurt locker, quick, fast, and in a hurry like!

Per Dr. Phil the best preditctor of future behavior is past behavior! Guess what? His crossdressing no matter what he says, tells you isn't going to go away! It WILL manifest itself in some shape, form, or fashion.

Why? Because, again per Dr. Phil it works for him. On some level, be it mental, physcial, pyschological, emotional, sexually it works for him.

You ask why men, otherwise normal men ~ crossdress? There's your answer. Because on some level it works for them. That's the best answer I can give you. For, me personally, its a "D" answer ~ all of the above.

I've struggle with this all of my life ~ but I have only recently come to terms with it ~ in the form of self acceptance ~in that I not only need cross dressing in my life ~ I want it in my life. Its cost me ~ and I do mean "big time" I've paid a high price to get to where I'm out ~ and some have paid even a bigger price.

A choice? Give me a break! If it were a choice ~ I, myself would have choosen not to be a crossdresser! If there was a pill that I could take that would not make me a crossdresser, well there was a time in my life I would have gladly taken it! But, now where I'm at, NO!

There is documented medical evidence of a TS, who put a pistol to her mouth, and attempted to sucide herself over being TS. She survied. She in effect performed a frontal lombodmy! She was cured of being a TS. Not something that I would recommend.

We of the board, all know that you're struggling with this ~ as we have for most of our lives.

linzy01

04-10-2006, 10:00 PM

ashlee chiffon

04-10-2006, 10:17 PM

Girlfriend...You ROCK!!

If she doesn't appreciate Those thoughts...she doesn't want to listen to reason...

She has...
a mind like a steel trap...

Slammed Shut!

Dana

04-10-2006, 10:49 PM

Brina,

First of all, opposites attract(yin-yang). To your masculinity you need femininity. Don't knock him because he cries, most men do. It takes a real man to show his softer side. At least you know he loves you. Would you rather a man who beats you? I have much to say but must go for now. Hope to talk more about this with you. Bye for now!

As a retired United States Marine ~ I cry all the time! There are television shows I can't watch anymore. There are places I can't go ~because I cry! There are songs ~ I can't hear ~because I cry! There are symbols, flags, emblems that I see ~ that make me break down and cry~! 27th MEU! Never forget! SemperFi!

There are memories, em-blassended upon my brain that make me cry! There are memories that will forever make me cry! The heartache, the heartbreak! The misery! The suffering! The crying, the suffering, the agony! The screaming~! The horror! The in-humanity of war. The insanity of war! The insanity of trying to stuff another man's intentines back into his body, trying to save his life! The madness! The insanity! The absurity of it all!

Dana

04-10-2006, 10:55 PM

Sorry~! They're my demons ~my Hell! They're mine! I own them! Sorry! Weak minded moment! I apolgize for being weak, and weak minded! I go to bed with them each night ~ and sometimes they come out in the most un-expected places! Again~ I apolgize!

terza

04-10-2006, 11:03 PM

oh so many clever replies... not really. i find alot of the replies are catty, unproductive, and pointless -- is this some kind of turf war? you don't exchange bullets with a woman who comes to you for help -- i only do that w/ people i know intimately. she may be intolerant, but i don't think so. intolerance? it could come as big man swinging a blunt object at you, at which point there would be no catty, pointless remarks. she more or less represent the public better than anyone else i've read on here. it is reasonable to think that there are gains for both sides -- for us, an opportunity to refine tactics of conversation to a non-sympathiser. for her to asks all her "why?s" that she is absolutely entitled to.

i read alot of suggestions to husbands how to treat their wives under these circumstances, an opportunity to put them to use directly is here.

BRINA

04-10-2006, 11:08 PM

Tamara Croft

04-10-2006, 11:20 PM

I think over 100 posts to this thread is enough guidance, don't you? How about you tell us about your 24 hours, what have you discussed with your husband? told anymore of your friends? I think you should be posting a bit more to this thread, I don't think it's fair that you get all this attention, post a few lines and then leave and ask for more guidance!!! If you aren't willing to give back a bit more than what you have just written, then I'll lock up this thread. You wanted it straight, I've just given it to you.

Tamara Croft

04-10-2006, 11:27 PM

oh so many clever replies... not really. i find alot of the replies are catty, unproductive, and pointless -- Oh really, is that a fact?? I suggest you read the third post (Brinas 3rd post) AGAIN in this thread. Brina asked for and I quote -
I need you guys to talk to me with the truth no bull or smoothing it over.So I suggest, you get off your high horse and post something productive, or back off this thread. The only pointless post I see in this thread is yours. :Angry3:

ashlee chiffon

04-10-2006, 11:31 PM

Daintre

04-11-2006, 12:32 AM

I have to agree, I do not think that there is any need in keeping this thread open. There has been so much good advice offered. I must add that I have sure learned much in the last couple of days, but there comes a time when all the information has been given and it is time to move on. All we are doing now ...in my opinion...is rehashing what has already been said. thank you

Jen

Kitty Sue

04-11-2006, 12:40 AM

Ahh again this CD is in awe of the responses, especially those placed by the GG's here. Yeah I am pretty much a GG worshipper, but read the comments thet have posted to Brina and one can't fail to be impressed.

Dana

04-11-2006, 01:18 AM

Oh really, is that a fact?? I suggest you read the third post (Brinas 3rd post) AGAIN in this thread. Brina asked for and I quote - So I suggest, you get off your high horse and post something productive, or back off this thread. The only pointless post I see in this thread is yours. :Angry3:

Brina! You should listen to Tamara. Do you actually think for a second that she bought off on this cross dressing business tooth, and hoof? She had to choke down on it ~ it wasn't easy for her! She's the Vet that's been where you''ve been and back ~ gone again and been back again! Tamara isn't one of those, "Oh! Ok!" type of women!

She's not weak~minded, nor is she of poor spirit! She's of good stock ~she is of the best of the best! She dosen't pull any punches! She calls it like it is, as it is! She see BS for BS, and will call you on it in a heart~beat! You've not read (nor have I) half of her comments! You don't know her! Tamara has been where you're at and back and gone again!

To Tamara don't lock the thread down! Why? Becase we need it! This is what we're up against in our day to day lives!

heavenscentual

04-11-2006, 01:33 AM

Both you and your man have a feminine and a masculine side. All people do. Unfortunately in this polarized society we live in, most people do not realize this. This comes out in many ways. Try to be in touch with BALANCE. This is what the universe is made up of. For night, there is day: For up, there is down. For in ,there is out and so on. It is a healthy thing to find that balance within yourself. If you truly love him, let him express it the way he feels comfortable with. Let it be a secret you share. No one else has to know.It can be very sexy for both of you. We all have secrets... Don't end the relationship because of this! It can be tragic for everyone involved.I would like to talk to you more. Email me...Heavenscentual
Oh where do i begin? A couple of months ago i found out my husband of only a few months was a cross dresser by finding a ton of clothes in his trunk. I was mortified. How could this be? You have a son. I have a daughter and i do not want this type of relationship.

{{Lengthy quoted post snipped}}

Please....sorry this is so long..and all i can say is thank you to all those who respond..

osteph

04-11-2006, 01:40 AM

Brina,
Let me review a few of your quotes:
"I don not find the female race attractive at all".
"I really think women are gross"

{{Lengthy quoted post snipped}}

Best of luck to you , Kitty.

I had read Brina's message and was at a loss where to start in trying to reply.

Then I read Kitty's reply and I just had to endorse every single word.

Thank you Kitty.

Your partner is a lucky guy/girl.

Thank you for your understanding.

osteph

cindycd

04-11-2006, 02:18 AM

way to go kittysue.

Sam-antha

04-11-2006, 05:22 AM

So far thank you , now its is closing time.

kittypw GG

04-11-2006, 06:04 AM

:brokenheart: It has been 24 hours since I posted my situation on this site, and I have to be honest never expected what I saw 5 pages of other peoples opinion, advice and comments some nasty some nice. But that is one of the advantages of living in this century- opinions from many who do not know you personally thus allowing for openness and non-favortism to either party and lastly if it was not for this mode of communication, who knows where many would be? In the closet? Ok just a joke. Maybe not a good one but after reading all this I wanted to put some humor into this because it is obviously a VERY HOT TOPIC. So why? Maybe it was read so many times because so many of you have been there and are there and you wonder so what if I tell it. If you get anything from this DAMNIT TELL HER BEFORE YOU GET SERIOUS.Want to know why. First, you can not get back the trust. What? You guys want me to trust your opinions, you want to trust your own gut instincts as to why you choose this life style, you want to trust that the medical field is right and you were born like this. Well then realize trust is what is the most critical aspect of a marriage/relationship and even sex. Before you decide to sleep with her tell her if you think it is going to go anywhere. You all taught me alot. Um some I wish I did not know and some was fun to read. Hey, thanks to all of you and if you are wondering if we are going to work it out? Keep posting your input keep giving us your guidance and tell us when yo tell your spouses or partners and how they are dealing with it all the help helps. Will check in later.

Brina,
You most certainly can get back the trust. I was feeling a great deal of compassion for you until now. My husband does not choose this lifestyle. If you can't trust the opinions of the people here then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE????? Do you just want to lash out at people? Most of us can understand being upset and irrational and wanting to lash out but lady what is the point? Where is this going for you? Do you really want help?

I will make another attempt to reach into your brain and make a difference for your children. GET SOME HELP BEFORE YOU DESTROY YOUR LITTLE GIRL'S MIND ABOUT HERSELF. If you convey to your little girl that women are gross you are nothing but a child abuser. Kitty

Ms. Donna

04-11-2006, 06:34 AM

Brina,
You most certainly can get back the trust. I was feeling a great deal of compassion for you until now. My husband does not choose this lifestyle. If you can't trust the opinions of the people here then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE????? Do you just want to lash out at people? Most of us can understand being upset and irrational and wanting to lash out but lady what is the point? Where is this going for you? Do you really want help?

Kitty,

You and everyone else has offered more insight and information than Brinna would have found just surfing. Unfortunately, she has more issues to address that we are equiped to handle - most of which have nothing to do with her husband or his crossdressing.

She needs to decide that she wants to move forward and only she can do that.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

Anita Mae GG

04-11-2006, 07:26 AM

Enough is enough! Brina stepped in here stirred things up, attacked everyone, THEN comes back tries to "joke" about it and leaves.....this thread is now useless as far as I'm concerned. If "she" didn't find any help in 126 posts then there is NO helping her.
0.02

Miriannah

04-11-2006, 08:07 AM

I don't think it's fair to say she 'attacked' everyone. From her point of view, she just uncovered something shocking that she's trying to understand. After all, she did come here rather than just say "you're a crossdreser? Okay, this relationship is over...seeya!"

Tamara said it perfectly, we need Brina to step up to the plate and talk about how things are going now. Until she does, there really isn't anything more that can be said that hasn't been posted already.

Penny

04-11-2006, 09:00 AM

Sedona,

I appreciate your reply but you need to know that i do not want to control his dressing..I could care less if you do it or anyone else on this site does. One of my best friends thru my 20's was gay and he was an ex- boyfriend as well and i accepted it and even hung out with him and his new bo. But he never never was femme and secondly and most importantly I was not married to him. It is only fair that everyone on this forum not only accept and understand why you guys do it but everyone understands that when you get married that you can not and I mean can not hold this from your wives. It is not fair. Your right if you assume that the chances are that if you told them before you got married that they would not marry you. So what you guys go ahead and marry us and know that now it is legally binding and alot of you say that we stay out of love. Truth is alot of us stay becaus of kids, because what are we going to tell our friends? There is family involved, finances, and it is not as if we were beaten but if you guys only understood the emotional aspect of it on the wives. A relationship is based on many things including sexual attractiveness. And you steal that from us but now we are legally bound and yes we have grown to love you guys..You have become our partners and our suppossed futures and all along you lied to us because you are not who you portrayed to be. Especially in a case where you are watching videos(normal porn) and ejaculating to it..That really killed me. We watched that together and how do you think I feel now. Was he thinking about me when we were done or himself as a girl..Do you understand the emotional stress..Emotional stress that I did not deserve I do everrything, make great money, take care of the kids, hava all the friends, keep life exciting and you are going to do this to me. I had other options at the time and even now. Do you understand how hard that can be what if I had gone with one of them??Just trying to find my sanity again...
Well , I have read your theads and what others have written. So here goes.
First of all, this all about you isn't it. You found out something about your husband that he kept from you. While I admit that would appear to to wrong.
What did you do. You told your friends. Some CD's here have been in combat and have actually killed people. Most of them would tell you it's easier to admit your a killer than a CD. Oh it's all right that women have earned the right to work at jobs like coalmining that are ugly and require down
right dirty but for a man to feel the need to be pretty. Oh no! What about
the fact that you don't like to wear dresses. Has he accepted that? Probably! Does that annoy him? Maybe! If you want your marriage to last
then you have got to change and along with him, compromise. Just for what
you have done so far, he may actually be the one who leaves you. Better
be careful for while he may like to be pretty, he is still a man. If he's no
longer good for you, then maybe you would prefer someone who gets drunk and
comes home and beats the crap out of you. Be careful what you wish for!
Don't get me wrong; like everyone else here, I really would like to see you work this out but sometimes writing nice things does'nt help.
God bless, I know it's a struggle but keep this in mind, If he couldn't face you about
his crossdressing, what makes you think he will ever be able to face your friends?
You really have an uphil battle because if he is so emotional as you say, he may be
thinking the necessity to quit his job and move far away. Then what have you done
for you children?

DonnaT

04-11-2006, 11:12 AM

Well, looks like I've come to this thread real late.

Brina, I wonder why you married him in the first place? Were you in love or were you just looking for a father for you daughter?

If you were in love, how did that happen? I doubt he portrayed himself to me the type of guy you idolize (macho, controlling, domineering, etc.).

If it wasn't love, and if its for your daughter to have a father, then your reasons for marrying were a lie. You lied to him by indicating that you loved him. You now have trust issue with him because he hid his CDing, is he supposed to trust you now?

Without trust, most relationships (if you want to call it that) are doomed to failure.

Did any of the previous posts mention the book "My Husband Betty"? It was written by Helen Boyd, a tomboy in her own right. Maybe you'll find it interesting, and hopefully helpful, from a tomboy/wife point of view.

But I ask again, do you love your husband? If not, then don't waist time reading the book.

sharifemme

04-11-2006, 11:23 AM

Brina...

I have avoided commenting much on your post because it is such a painful subject for me. I understand what you are feeling. My wife has issues with transgenderism too. She vascillates between acceptance and toleration and then, total despair.

I am deeply sorry that I mislead her for so many years but you have to realize that even we, sometimes don't realize what is going on with our gender differences. It is only within the last few years with the internet that we are starting to understand that we are transgender and not merely perverts. I know I was in denial for over 50 years simply because I didn't know why I wanted to wear women's clothing occasionally and present myself as female. When I got married, I assumed I would change as a matter of natural course. When I didn't (or couldn't), I had to deal with living in shame and deceit. This caused enough stress, both personal and in our relationship, to cause health problems and strain in how we relate to each other.

Since telling of my femme side, things are not perfect for either one of us but they are much better than they were before. I, now, don't have to try to be so macho all the time and can feel a little more free to empathize with my wife. She gets to have a husband who loves and cares for her, a best friend who wants to do everything with her, a helper with the housework, and a pretty good girlfriend. Sure we both have times of emotional stress, but we are learning to deal with it.

You will eventually have to make a decision, plain and simple. You can either stay with your husband and love him, support him to the best of your ability, and make the best of a situation you hadn't expected or you can toss it all in the trash can and start over. Actually, your husband has that same decision to make. I'm betting that he loves you and wants you enough to want to stay with you. How about you? Would you be willing to love him and want him enough to stay with him? In the end, it is a decision for the two of you to make.

With this being said, I hope you both will search your hearts and do what you both can live with.

God Bless you!
Shari

:brokenheart: It has been 24 hours since I posted my situation on this site, and I have to be honest never expected what I saw 5 pages of other peoples opinion, advice and comments some nasty some nice. But that is one of the advantages of living in this century- opinions from many who do not know you personally thus allowing for openness and non-favortism to either party and lastly if it was not for this mode of communication, who knows where many would be? In the closet? Ok just a joke. Maybe not a good one but after reading all this I wanted to put some humor into this because it is obviously a VERY HOT TOPIC. So why? Maybe it was read so many times because so many of you have been there and are there and you wonder so what if I tell it. If you get anything from this DAMNIT TELL HER BEFORE YOU GET SERIOUS.Want to know why. First, you can not get back the trust. What? You guys want me to trust your opinions, you want to trust your own gut instincts as to why you choose this life style, you want to trust that the medical field is right and you were born like this. Well then realize trust is what is the most critical aspect of a marriage/relationship and even sex. Before you decide to sleep with her tell her if you think it is going to go anywhere. You all taught me alot. Um some I wish I did not know and some was fun to read. Hey, thanks to all of you and if you are wondering if we are going to work it out? Keep posting your input keep giving us your guidance and tell us when yo tell your spouses or partners and how they are dealing with it all the help helps. Will check in later.

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 11:48 AM

Your Quote:

Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand.

--------------------------------------------------

Oh where do i begin? A couple of months ago i found out my husband of only a few months was a cross dresser by finding a ton of clothes in his trunk. I was mortified. How could this be? You have a son. I have a daughter and i do not want this type of relationship. Don't get me wrong these were my thoughts at that moment. I am not insulting anyone. But we have the ideal life, 2 kids a cat a dog great jobs a beautiful home and now this?? Of course at that moment i said "it is over you know that right?" his response was i expected that. He has been married 2 times before and they found out and left him. Low and behold he had told me that they left for other reasons. Anyway i decided to stick it out because of the children i mean i would jump in front of a truck for them so why not sacrifice myself for their happiness. So i asked him to get rid of the clothes and think of the kids. Well i thought he did i saw them in the trash and then last week i was supposed to go away for a meeting and i had a sick feeling that he was up to something so decided to swing by the house to see and you betcha the clothes were laying on the bed.

You asked Him to purge His clothing and be someone He is not!

Your Quote:

Ok guys/gals what is this i need to understand. I feel so lost so confused. I do not find the female race attractive at all, thus my dilemma with this situation. I love the male race the masculinity and the security they present. With my husband i never have felt this feeling, if i broke up with him he would cry. I dont cry with him or any other man. he is emotional. Me i could care less when it comes to relationships. Dont cry just move on whats the big deal? I almost didnt marry him because he was so emotional and sensitive and i need a man that is stronger than me and truth be told i am pretty strong, so strong that i too have been questioned of my sexuality by outsiders, but i love love men..anyway this is not about me but about my kids.

No this is about You being truthful to Him. Your worse than He ever thought of being. You’re the one using Him up for your Kids sake. You have loads of issues also. You said it, not me. My question to you is this? Are you Gay, are you a Lesbian? No disrespect intended or implied. But I’d love to talk to you face to face. Your just the kind of Woman that I’d have like tons of Questions for.
Oh, and why would you marry a Guy for your Kids sake then bitch about Him to other people? Your using Him big time. He seems kind, considerate, caring, loyal etc. So what if He did not purge. Those things are his. Not yours. Does He ask you to throw away your things He does not like? HUH?

Your Quote:

. I do not like the dressing and many of you have said that your wives have found out. How do we cope? Is it that he wants to be with a man? I did find out that he took a toy and used it but said he did not like it. He said he is not attracted to men. But then why would you dress like that? I do not understand and need you guys/gals to help me. Please....sorry this is so long..and all i can say is thank you to all those who respond..

A toy is just that “ an adult toy”. Growing up if our parents talk to us we find out about them and how Men and women play with them. We all have things we try during our lives. It don’t mean he’s Gay. It just means He’s as normal as anyone else. Sorry to say this, But you are not very diverse in your Sexual thinking. Very many couples use Toys. Not Just Women.

Again No disrespect intended or implied.

BRINA

04-11-2006, 11:50 AM

Well, I read the comments since my last post. And Tamara I know very little about chat groups and threads but I have figured out that you rule this site. So in regards to locking up the thread that choice is yours but a little note. I have had some of the men ask me on private emails to let them have it. Basically pretend I was their wife and how she may re-act when they tell her. So in regards to locking up the thread do as you please but there are many people who have read this and I am not the only one learning from this and gaining guidance. And to tell you the truth I am more amazed at the GG's responses than I am the CD's. The anger to my reaction is amazing from the GG'. And the fact that I told one of my friends is amazing. Do any of you have a best friend? If you do not I am sorry and if you do I am more sorry that you can not trust them enough to tell them. And with my other friends I thru it out as a what if, like if I was watching Oprah and this was the topic of the day to see their response. I damn well did not tell them that it was my husband I was talking about. And I did tell my parents and to be honest with all the CD'rs they think that it is no big deal and my dad actually joked who knows maybe it feels good? So be as it may. You all(especially the GG's) need to know that there are many people out there that do not react with ok baby we will work this out, or i will support you, or here are my skirts try them on. Some of us react a little less accepting when first told and someof us accept it and yes some of us will not and yes we will run away and let the world know. So be prepared is all you can do. And to be honest I keep hearing a comparison to the fact that be a CD'r is not acceptable as it is to be gay or a woman working in a coal mine. A little 411 for everyone. The reason all those things ar accepted is because the word got out. How did the word get out? Over time people told people they were gay, weman told other people they wanted to vote and the process of those things happening were not pretty. There were peoples feelings hurt, peoples deepest secrets revealed, riots and craziness and now 2006 some peace and acceptance from society. So I am just saying you want it to be accepted ( except for those that find the thrill or satisfaction in the secret part of the closet cd'r) Be glad that there are those pissed those telling others because you never know there may be some day that this too becomes just another part of society.

Now about the last 24 hours. So you all know my husband has been out of town and I have been busy with the kids and work. That is reality. Yes this is an issue and yes I have been checking this out, but life does not evolve around me resolving this in 24 hrs and posting all day long. But so you all know. YES I HAVE COME TO ACCEPT THINGS DIFFERENTLY AS A RESULT OF THIS THREAD. I laid in bed last night and even considered going out and getting him some clothes since he threw most of them away for me. I even considered making love to him like that. I was saying to myself I could put on a blind fold and then I would not have to change my image of what I claim as one of the most handsome men in the world (he really would not make an attractive woman and beside he has facial hair which is a whole nother issue, for he puts on a mask to obtain the female look since I asked him to grow the facial goatee, which looks hot on him,So say I give in to any of the above if someone wants to post how I could help him look more femme with the facial hair with out wearing the mask(YUK) then please post because this thought has run thru my head as well) So be it you want to know what the last 24 hrs has hold. I have talked to him several times not about this but I have said that I appreciate him more than I ever have and YES I AM STARTING TO REALIZE THAT I AM DAMN LUCKY TO HAVE HIM BECAUSE OF YOU ALL. So when yo ask me to keep interjecting now you know you are laying the ground work for what is to come when he gets back in a couple of days. This may include passionate sex with a handsome man, a love making process with a wonderful person in girls clothes, or a house that is empty for I have tkaen the furniture and kids and moved on. I can not tell you until he does get back and for now I am still just reading what you guys have to say and feeling out my future.
Oh and Tamara a site is a site and in my opinion I think I would be pretty happy that so many people were logging on may it get nasty or not and remember just as he(my hubby) held is word about his dressing, silence does not always mean your ignoring what people say sometimes you have sit back and listen as I am to you guys. So give us all a chance please.......
Have a good day all....

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 12:01 PM

I am 55 years old and have seen many things in my life. Women using males for everything you can think of. I have one big piece of advice! Grow up a little and treat that man to a Divorce so He can find someone that truly loves Him.

Or figure out your life with Him! And treat Him as an equal!

Again No disrespect implied or intended.

Haley's correct again! Wow! A woman on here telling She can't keep secrets. Wow mark that one in the book. One for Haley!

Remember my other postings about The My Husband Betty Book page 59 I believe. Where it talks about How Women can't keep secrets? HUH?

Wow, young Lady thanks for re enforcing that on here.

Should we tell before marriage or not? Well can they keep quiet about our CDing? HUH?

I, (Name), take you, (Name), to be my wedded (husband/wife); to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, or the Lord comes for His own, and hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Are you breaking these wedding Vows? HUH?

Being a user of your spouse is breaking your vows.

The more I think on this the more I think of my First Wife using me for 12 years. Working 3 jobs and buying Her and the kids every thing they want. Them going to Florida to Disney world and me not going because I was working for Money for them to do as they wished. To give them everything I could. Then Having Her leave me for a Lesbian.

Are you like that a User? You have said you are staying for the Kids sake. Not your own. That tells me you love the Kids. But If your that way with your Husband. What will you do in the future in other relationships? Not just Marriage. I mean Friends etc....

Friendship is a big part of life. With our Spouse, children , Parents, Co- workers etc. A big part of that is keeping the secrets of others. Caring of How others feel etc. Please be as truthful to your Husband as He has been to you.

Giving Him Sex is not the answer. Telling Him about How you need a strong Man and showing Him your postings from Here would be being Honest with Him.

Copy off your Thred here in complete and let Him read this. Every reply etc.
That is Where you need to start being honest with Him.

The question has always been Telling your Wife. Here it should be Telling Your Husband!

Amelie

04-11-2006, 12:33 PM

Brina, I have not posted on your thread, I didn’t think that I could add anything. But I will try now.

But I do agree with some of what you say, OK you are angry and said some things that others here might get upset over, but I see this as anger over the situation your husband put you in.

I can only put this in a way that would relate to me if I was in your situation.

I am similar to you, I like guys to look like guys. If I had a boyfriend who one day wanted to wear women’s clothes. I don’t think that I could accept this. I know it sounds mean of me to say this, but I will have felt a betrayal from him, something that he should have told me up front so I could have made a decision whether we should continue seeing each other.. Just because I like to dress as a woman doesn’t mean that I have to like or accept my boyfriend to dress as a woman. So, you are not alone in thinking this way, I also wouldn’t like my man to dress as a woman. The same when you say that you are “Tom Boyish” Just because you are this way doesn’t mean you have to accept him dressing as a woman. You were open with who you were, he was not.

You’ve got to figure out is the love between you strong enough to continue a relationship. To stay together for the kids doesn’t sound like a good idea. One thing you might of heard in this forum is that he most likely will never end dressing as a woman. It is up to you how to deal with this, it all depends how you feel deep down in your heart.

Whatever decision you make won’t be the wrong one, because you will know what your heart says. So, follow your heart, you can’t go wrong following your heart

BRINA

04-11-2006, 12:51 PM

Shellybean

04-11-2006, 01:11 PM

Go for it sweets (re:trying out the sex with him)
take a walk on the wild side,
shellybean

Kitty Sue

04-11-2006, 01:16 PM

Keep coming back Brina, that's my opinion. I for one am glad you are here. :happy:

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 01:25 PM

My next Comment for you is HMMM?Oh and yes marriages fall apart for many reasons. Seems that you need to figure this out!

Yeah, and you do need some real Help on many issues!
Have you tried a support group? Like TriEss?

Oh yeah you need to come back. Let us know How you do on this. We the interested need to know.

Ellaine

04-11-2006, 01:26 PM

Come on girls! There's a lot of pain evident here, please calm down and take a breath. You have both been hurt in different ways by a partner, and we all make wrong assumptions just because text is such an impersonal medium.

Come on now Let's have a :gh: ... let it go

Dana

04-11-2006, 01:49 PM

Brina

Perhaps you missed it in my post ~ but I again would advocate that you and the DH just put this all up on the shelve for a spell. You need time (as your obviously are doing) to think about this.

I do believe that this has rocked your world, and has shaken your core beliefs, and your reality.

As is so often advocated here to CD coming out to their wives-GF, take baby steps.

Is this an issue in your marriage? Un-questionably, it is! Is a deal breaker? You and only you and your DH can decided wheather its a ill-reconliable difference.

And, I hear you when you say ~ "haven't you ever said something out of anger?" Even with you, my post may not have altogether have been warrnted. But, at the time it was the way that I infered what you were saying ~ which is not necesarly what you were implying ~ such is the trouble with communication between human beings.

Crossdressing non-withstanding, we as men when we enter into a relationship with a "traditional" woman ~ is obligated to perform and play out certain roles as a husband, father, and as a partner of intimacy, (after all you're a woman, and you too have your fantasies ~ and if being with a cross dresser ~ you would have been with one already ~ no?)

The main thing is that its out there on the table, the good, the bad, and the ugly. That youre DH is a crossdresser, and you're not happy about it ~ really isn't the issue any longer ~ the issue now is what are you and he going to do about it? It may not be pretty and it may not be fun ~ but ultimately it is the two of you that are going to have to make some decsions, choices about what to do about this.

And, he's only fooling himself ~ if he thinks he can forever more permantely purge ~ and if he has found the answer to that question ~ the solution to that problem (of purging over and over) then please by all means post it here ~ because the collective experieces, knowledge and wisdom of all present really would like to know.

IMHO, you've brought a much needed perspective to the board. One that is much more akin to what is day to day reality. Again, one of my deifinations of reality is the sum difference between the way it is and the way its suppose to be.

I for one have already voiced that I believe the thread should remain open ~ because we need to see the underside of the beast. Again, it my not always be pretty, and it may not always be fun ~ but I feel that it is necessary.

Tamara is not the dominatrix of the board that I infer you implying that she is ~ albiet she does have one of the magic wands. But, she's pretty level headed ~ and she does have her hands full as admistrator riding herd over the board ~ sometimes much akined to attempting to herd cats.

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 01:49 PM

Seems you get quite pissy over reading things that people tell you from their Hearts and are just trying to Help you. I did read your post back to me. I have to tell you this. If I had met you in person and you had been this way with me face to face. I'd a turned and walked away never the more to speak to you.

As Tamara has said People on here are interested or they would not be posting to you. So, that said. I don't know you nor you me. But I am the type that cares about people. Even ones that slam me over the net. Hmm?
Yeah I have maybe to much heart for my own good.

But being that you have Children , I guess you really need to figure this out as soon as possible. No it's not about Sex only, marriage. That said another good book for you would be by Doctor Laura " The Care And Feeding" or " The 10 Worst Things Women Do". Oh yeah My Wife has read these.

You Might try fixing things in your own back yard before you try to fix your Husbands.

Whats the old saying " about the pot calling the kettle black"?

Just an observation, No disrespect intended or implied. Am Not cat fighting over this issue or Thred.!

(Name), I will be a strong spiritual leader for us in our life, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, in joys and in sorrows, until death do we part. I give you all that I have, myself, and my love. All these things I pledge to thee in the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ. With this ring, I seal my vow of love to you, and pray I may fulfill God's place in our home, in the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

There are all kinds of Wedding Vows! What did yours read?

Dana

04-11-2006, 01:59 PM

I just read Haley's reply and a little 411 start your own thread Haley for you have twisted things to your world and not mine. Sorry your wife took you for a ride, but hey your mistake for picking such a loser that she did not have her own career and if you did not read the beginning I make more money than him and we together blow 6 figures away, he alone not even close so you got played and that is your fault. And as you sit there and say tell him that you said you need a man that is more Macho print this thread. Do I sound like someone that does not speak her mind. Claws out told him thank you very much..I am a bitch which as a girl well I can be..thank you.AndI feel like saying something I damn well do. So I have no need to print this thread for more than this has been said to him and as I have accepted someof his comments he too mine for they are just words and if you have not grown up enough(50 you are right ) to realize some people say things just because they are so pissed they can not help themselves then hey your wife left you for what reason. I am sorry but I have had enough with the BS about Do you love him or not. This is not a novel or a little story for all you to read it is life damnit and love does not always fix it all or everyone freaking person on here would be with the first person they were supposedly in love with. SO you grow up. This thread is about understanding why the heck someone is dressing in girls clothes, why the tall tale that the magazines for wigs were for your ex wife, why the heck should I accpet this and every other woman whose husbands decide to drag them into this life style without fair warning should deal with it and if we choose too then how did you deal with it. So for all our sakes can this not be a cat fight or an discussion about the vows of marriage but the truth this scares the shit out of some of us that are not hiding something in a closet.

This is a good sounding board for one and all ~ to get it all out. Brina, IMHO, brings to the board the perspective, attitudes and opinions that I personally would expect to find in your average, vanilla, traditional woman. I think we need that here.

And, in going back over the thread, I believe that she's come a long way from her initial discovery ~ and saying to her DH, "You know its over, don't you!" To at least NOW considering and weighing her options. That's a pretty good distance to have traveled in 48 hours, is it not? From where she was initially to where she is now. At least, she no longer considering throwing out the baby with the bathwater?

And to be honest, and to give credit where credit is due ~ I have learned and grown from this thread ~ as I think we all have.

As far as the ex's leaving ~ they leave for one reason and one reason only ~ we quit making them feel good about themselves when they're with us ~ and so they either went and found someone else that made them feel good about themselves when they're with them ~ OR they're had to get out and go find that person because you ~ we weren't getting the job done! Just that plain ~ and just that simple.

Amelie

04-11-2006, 02:02 PM

Brina, You make more money than your husband, If I was you I'd dump the bum and get on with life.

If you are asking "Why do men crossdress"? Then you will find many different answers to this question. The main thing is to find out why your husband crossdresses and how far does he want to go with it.

There are some CDs that are content to stay home, there are some that want to go out and about, there are some that take hormones but still want to be men as well and then there are some that do go the route of changing into a woman, (There might be other types of cds out there). You have to find out from your husband how far he wants to go with his CDing and you have to decide if you can handle what wants, then it's up to you if you stay or leave him. The reason that I dress is because I want to be a woman.

The big problem was that he through this at you late in your relationship and I always said that this is wrong. I think guys should always be up front with their spouses and not hurt them later on in life. So, I agree with you that he was wrong in not telling you, now it's up to the both of you to find a solution. But again as to the why men crossdress, you will get many different answers to this question, maybe even one of the answers is what you are looking for,

Good luck to you Brina, I hope you find what you are looking for here at the forum.

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 02:09 PM

She said, She did not like Men that Cry!

Hey everyone crys. Also What did you do to make Him Cry? You know Crying is letting loose of emotions you can't hold in anymore. It's a way the mind relieves presure. If you can't take that, I don't know what to tell ya. You may not like seeing people Cry. Actually none of us do. It means that things have gone to far for some reason or another. Like When My Father died last year. Sure I cried. For Days I cried on and off. Thats normal. It don't mean that you should divorce someone just because they cried over something.

Yes I said a post ago " Grow Up". Was it a good choice of words maybe not. But It seems you don't understand some of what you should about people in general. So Hence I said Grow up. If that did affend I'm sorry. But truth is truth, it might hurt and make you mad to hear from us on here. But You asked the questions and asked for help.

People Vent, You know you do.

BRINA

04-11-2006, 02:15 PM

I would have a hay day with you Haley, a glass of wine and some damn good arguing over beliefs. You still do not get it. Do I have issues that need to be resolved? Not like yours. My issues are acceptable in public, my issues did not involve me throwing someone else in the closet and my issues did not come out after we were married.. HELLO.. the name of this thred..I found out not I am one..Do you get it there are hundreds of people reading this a bulk of them are wives ready to dump the husbands becuase it is so off the wall. Do you get it you grow up seeing it on tv, or in drag clubs, and it is a joke then your slammed in the face with it. Try it, you know you have resentment because your wife rode yo like a pony and you havent accepted it, because if you did you would not accuse me of being her. Get it here everyone. There are alot and I mean alot of women that are not accepting of this. Most women do not fanasize about a sexy chic in bed with them we lust a well endowed man. A protector. and now well now we are the same lets see humm..You like our shoes but yet you really aren't wearing them because we are the ones that have to deal with the emotions this brought on.You are still men and my husband told me that women have 18 emotion centers men 2. So point being if you want to help some of the marriages out there then tell us more, we need to know..Quit with the vows for the second time. that has nothing to do with this.....

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 02:21 PM

Brina,
The big problem was that he through this at you late in your relationship and I always said that this is wrong. I think guys should always be up front with their spouses and not hurt them later on in life. So, I agree with you that he was wrong in not telling you, now it's up to the both of you to find a solution. But again as to the why men crossdress, you will get many different answers to this question, maybe even one of the answers is what you are looking for,

Good luck to you Brina, I hope you find what you are looking for here at the forum.

Ok, My take on this is why did you not tell him before marriage you wanted a Man that never does cry and is more Mocho than you are? Seems to me your actions were a deal breaker also. Oh, and the idea of staying with him over the kids. There is a good one to. Not a good idea.

I tend to think that many women use a Guys CDing, as just a way to dump them. I believe there are usually other issues that are behind the deal. Like maybe He's not mocho enough HUH? Or that He crys? HUH? What else. Tell us! Whats the real Issue here? It's just us girls here!

No disrespect intended or implied.
:)

Ellaine

04-11-2006, 02:21 PM

So say I give in to any of the above if someone wants to post how I could help him look more femme with the facial hair with out wearing the mask(YUK) ....

Those masks are so sad IMHO...One solution...buy the best moustache/beard you can from a theatrical supplier with gum adhesive, he can be The Laughing Cavalier at your command.
You might also consider a nice wig that really suits "her".

BTW what chance of her registering here?

I wish you all the luck...and joy life's too short!!!

Hugs Ellainexx

ChrissyGG

04-11-2006, 02:21 PM

Well i am glad that you are being more open minded about crossdressing. Also take your time to understand him better and ask questions how far he wants to go with it. I do agree with others that you have issues within yourself that you need to be resolved. Like for example that you said you dont like man that cry. I think you have some serious baggage either in your upbringing or maybe from previous relationship. Even thou u came on as aggressive and rude i wish you and your husband the best of luck in your journey. I do hope that you can accept him for who he is and love him no matter what. cheers

Sharon

04-11-2006, 02:25 PM

Just a note here -- if you are not the creator of this thread, then I ask you to please limit your posts and take any additional arguements or opinions to private messaging (or just hit the "edit" button and add to your previous post). A little consideration and self-discipline would be much appreciated.

Sophie62

04-11-2006, 02:26 PM

Dear Brina

I never saw in the short time that I have been in the forum such a display of attacks from one side to the other. I really thought this was a place where people would try to make tolarance, aunderstanding and real caring their modeof communication. I guess I was wrong.

The reason that I am writting to you is because somehow, beneath the surface, you do want to understand, otherwise, you would had desappear from the site many hours ago. Am I wrong? It it so simple to desappear in the Internet, Is it wonderful?

So, I am going to try my best to give you some support, if that is what you are really looking for. Yes, Brina, you have all the right in the world to be mad as hell and in total despair. I tell you something, Do you know how many times I have felt mad about my self and lost becuase my CD? I can not blame you for feeling that way. However, I do believe that the issue that is more important to you is being lost in all these " I Tell you this because you told me that". I really don't care who initiated this whole futil process,but precious and productive time is being lost in non sense.

So, What do you want from us? Do you want to backlash on us because you are in pain and we have become your scape goats? If that is the case, well I hope you feel better now, but please, please, do not use this site to get even with the world. Yes, life is tough ,you tell me. But, you said that you are a thogh woman. Well, sweetie, soldiers are not tested in the barracks but in the battle field, and this one, my dear , is a thogh siutation.

Secondly, ask yourself about what do you really expected from the relationship. I think this is a more important question. Do I really love this guy to be with him after all this commotion? Brina, there is no law in the Universe who obligates you to stay with him. You are in your right not to accept his crossdressing and to feel angry and betrayed with his mistrust; however, you might choose to try to understand who he really is and embrace him as a whole person. Againg, that only depends if you really want to give a chance to the relationship to see how it works. It seems to me that that is what you relly want.

Thirdly, lots of things came through your mind. From making love passionately to him to help him be pretty and to make love to him while he is dress in women's clothing. I believe it would be better for you to talk to him and get more information before you ever decided to move on into that step. Making love is a great thing but, it can be also a momentary pain killer. My recomendation in this case, do not rush into things. Discuss this issue thoroughly with him, become educated about the issue and talk to a professional if necessary. Brina, one more thing, I understand your frustation, but I don't think that talking to your friends about the issue might be a good idea at this time.

Finally, the GAY issue. Brina, even though, I have never being with men and I do not have a "real" desire to do so. Even though, I have read DSM IV- R (that is the guideline for therapist to classify all metal illnesses) and I am described in that "BiG BooK" as "male hetereosexual tranvestic fetishist" (which means get arouse by women's clothes but he is not an homosexual, only like women), I have sometimes question my own sexual orientation. This is so difficult to understand for me, because I only feel "really attracted", in reality to women and I don't think I would ever be with a man. However, this forum has shown me that there are lots of men like me who do dress in femme mode, but that would not ever sleep with a man.I identified so much with my genetic gender (male) that I might not like a woman or man to see me in "femme", I really don't know if I would like it. Most likely ,I would be ashamed of myself if that would ever happen.

You see, if you really want to know, if that is your case ask, tell him to be completely honest and ask him to tell you all about it. And if it the forum, the information about CD and the talk with your husband not seem to satisfy your level of understanding, please go talk to a professional, an expert in TG, a real therapist.

Well, I do not know what else to add to this post. But, I really do want to help you cope with this. Before, I go, Brina, I do want to say one more thing. If you want to continue writting to the forum, do it with a sense of understanding rather than witn a sense of anger. Do not enter into the forum with resentment, it is not worth it. I do believe you have more important things in your life than to enter into a futil discussion. Get the best from this opportunity.

Sincerely,

Sophie:GE:

Anita Mae GG

04-11-2006, 02:28 PM

And I Quote from BRINA

"And the fact that I told one of my friends is amazing. Do any of you have a best friend? If you do not I am sorry and if you do I am more sorry that you can not trust them enough to tell them."... a little clue for ya...

IT IS NOT YOUR SECRET TO TELL ANYONE

Oh yeah and you just came back on yelling and screaming about all kinds of stuff.......just remember you came on here attacking a lot of people and comments and lifestyles, so forgive us if you got some of it right back at you.

BTW, to go from beyond not acceptring to considering buying him clothes in UNDER 24 hours....doubt it sweetie.....

GG's are reacting this way because you condemned just about everone on here in your first few posts......let me say VERY FEW of us were accepting right from the beginning so don't imply that (which you did in your post)...it has taken lots of time, education on the subject, and TONS of communication!!!!

All I can say to you is good luck and COMMUNICATE with each other, SOON! Don't sweep it under the rug !!!!!!

BRINA

04-11-2006, 02:29 PM

Elaine thank you for responding to that.Something reinforcing me dealing with this.Truth is I do not want him to shave it andI think he does like it. (Just another question to ask him when he gets back) So what to do umm.Any other ideas? Because it would be to much after all this for me to get used tohim now dressed in girls clothes and facial hair gone..There has to be some other way to deal with it. Idea I just bought a really pretty satin Sarong pant set with a crop top. How about a genie type mask. But how would we kiss?? Boy this sucks!!!

Amelie

04-11-2006, 02:30 PM

Ok, My take on this is why did you not tell him before marriage you wanted a Man that never does cry and is more Mocho than you are? Seems to me your actions were a deal breaker also. Oh, and the idea of staying with him over the kids. There is a good one to. Not a good idea.

I tend to think that many women use a Guys CDing, as just a way to dump them. I believe there are usually other issues that are behind the deal. Like maybe He's not mocho enough HUH? Or that He crys? HUH? What else. Tell us! Whats the real Issue here? You find someone else? It's just us girls here!

No disrespect intended or implied.
:)

I don't know why you are quoting my post, all I said was the truth, while you are speculating.

I told the truth when I said the husband told her about the CDing late in the relationship. This was true according to Brina, and I felt he was wrong in doing this.

Now you on the other hand are just speculating that women use CDing as as a way to dump there men. there is no proof that Brina is doing this, you are just specualting your ideas of what could be happining. if Brina was using this as a reason to dump her man then she wouldn't waste time coming here to talk to us. She would justdump him.

Anita Mae GG

04-11-2006, 02:31 PM

I never saw in the short time that I have been in the forum such a display of attacks from one side to the other. I really thought this was a place where people would try to make tolarance, aunderstanding and real caring their modeof communication. I guess I was wrong.

Please re:read her first few posts....she came in swinging at whoever was near and didn't even bother to hear the advice......

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 02:32 PM

Yeah, red wine Dear would do nicely. Please. And lets see how far the bottle goes. LOL:)

Not Comparing you to my past, but the things I have to pull from in my past. Things I know of, as others have things they have first hand knowledge of. One of these is that I really don't know why I do this. I do know It makes me feel better when I am dressed. Compaired to many I guess I dress little.

But, to you. Don't stop posting on here because you get upset or something. Keep coming back. Maybe one thing just one person on here says will help.

:)

midwest GG

04-11-2006, 02:39 PM

brina said...
"And the fact that I told one of my friends is amazing. Do any of you have a best friend? If you do not I am sorry and if you do I am more sorry that you can not trust them enough to tell them."... a little clue for ya...

I know it was already said but...

It is none of your friends' business what your husband does with his personal life!!!!!!

I have a best friend that I have known since 2nd grade, that is 21 years. I have talked to her every single day for 21 years, minus maybe 10 days. I will never tell her about my husband's CDing, unless of course he wants me too, which I know he never will. It has nothing to do with trusting my best friend, it has to do with loving and respecting my husband.

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 02:39 PM

Just a Tip for the Future! Don't go blabbing things. Families have secrets. You need to learn to keep secrets. There is no friend close enough to tell your family secrets to. Or I should say there should not be. That is a breach of Contract right there. Between you and your Husband. You Telling.

Again you might not like hearing this but you need to be told!

Again raising my glass of Wine, red and half full.

No Disrespect implied or intended, BTW!

Mary Matalin was right when she wrote in a 1993 Newsweek column: “We are not victims; our daughters are not infants; our sons are not brutes; our men are not monstrous pigs.” If women hate the idea that only men can be strong, we’d better reject the myth that only women can be gentle. If we aspire to leadership, it’s time we take responsibility for our own capacity to abuse and victimize others.

BRINA

04-11-2006, 02:39 PM

Sophie62

04-11-2006, 02:48 PM

Please re:read her first few posts....she came in swinging at whoever was near and didn't even bother to hear the advice......

Dear Tammy

At was not pointing out the responsability to anyone. In fact, I was trying to estate that this is the only thred that this "backlashing" have ever taken place since I have arrived into the forum. I am well aware where this all started, but I wish we could keep the common ground of decency that have always prevail in this forum.

I wish we would forget about this odd episode and move into a more productive use of our time. If Brina does want to get some kind support and make of this a fertile experience, she knows what she has to do.

Sophie:GE:

HaleyPink2000

04-11-2006, 02:50 PM

Briana:

Your way to much!

Next thred. I'm out a Here. Bye Girls.
I'm on to another thred. Won't be back here.

Raising my empty wine glass Bri. See ya and good luck. U'll need it.

Oh and like Tamara said , listen to people here their not all wrong!

Bev06 GG

04-11-2006, 03:09 PM

To Tamara don't lock the thread down! Why? Becase we need it! This is what we're up against in our day to day lives!
True enough and if you can't do it on here, where can you do it. We shouldn't be frightened of debate and what it brings with it. Sometimes its ugly and sometimes its personal, but it certainly does get you thinking about which side of the fence your on. Theres one thing for sure, anyone sitting on the fence at the beginning of this thread has surely long since been knocked off.
Love BEVxxxx

Tamara Croft

04-11-2006, 03:10 PM

Brina, it seems you have calmed down a bit since you first posted and I hope reading these posts in here have given you some insight into what being a crossdresser is. Ok, there has been some harsh words, but you did ask for that and I'm sure you are big enough to take on these words ;)

Let me tell you something about a lot of the GG's on this forum. Firstly, there are some that still do not accept their hubbies are crossdressers, they are still dealing with it and are a long way off from going out to buy them clothes. As for me personally, well I've lived with it for 7 years. 5 of those years, I can honestly say that I hated it. It is true, I have no real best friend to talk about it, but when I joined this forum 2 years ago, I found it full of the most wonderful people you could ever meet. In the 2 years I have been here, I have made so many friends and they have helped me learn to understand what being a crossdresser is. I've learnt about being transgendered, the guilt, the shame, the loneliness, the hiding, the tears.... I could go on.

It's not something we learn to accept over night, it is a hard road. Some accept it as the norm, some never get over it. These girls/boys here will tell you how it is for them, they will guide you, they will educate you, hell they will even argue black is white. But we are all here for the same reason, the same reason you joined us, to be educated, to be supported and to make friendship along the way. I applaud you for staying, for reading, for listening to what everyone here has said. But now we need to move on from this, now it's time to teach you how to go on from here. You need to tell us what you need, how you feel, how you want to take your journey from today.

This thread has educated us all, it has shown how one can join a forum and be really angry, to being much calmer. You have showed that and you have also shown me personally, you do have feelings, you do care and you do know that we are here for you. Whether you like them or not, I'm sending you a virtual :hugs: everyone needs them, everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. You have mine, for when and if you ever need it.

Ms. Donna

04-11-2006, 03:14 PM

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.

Even if is at his expense? Do you understand even remotely the notion of being 'in the closet'?

People, for a multitude of reasons, choose to closet aspects of their lives for the fear - and a very real fear - of shame and ridicule. By telling your 'friends', have you considered the possible humiliation your husband may now have to endure knowing that they 'know about' him? He is in the closet because he doesn't want 'people' to know - and you have now facilitated the bigest fear all closeted individuals have - being discovered.

This is the same for people with substance abuse problems, eating disorders, depression and other mental health issues, abuse victims... The list is endless. All hide these aspects of themselves because they are ashamed of it - because they know that people will treat them differently because of it.

As betrayed as you feel at his hiding his crossdressing, you have committed an even bigger betrayal: you outed him.

So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive.

You can handle it - now he has to as well.

Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in.. And if you are so damn proud of your man. Why keep it a secret??

Mutual respect perhaps? Dare I say... Love?

If you love him let him tell all, what do you care?? And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

Let him tell all if he wants to. Not you, him. His choice, his terms.

One of the most life affirming actions any closeted individual can take is to step out of the closet. You, however, have tossed him out there without a second thought. Don't be surprised if he locks the door for good.

----------

"With all great deceivers there is a noteworthy occurrence to which they owe their power. In the actual act of deception they are overcome by belief in themselves: it is this which then speaks so miraculously and compellingly to those who surround them. ... Self-deception has to exist if a grand effect is to be produced."

- Nietzsche -

Anita Mae GG

04-11-2006, 03:57 PM

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive. And before you claim yah right you were considering buying him clothes. Why would I lie.Sorry don't know you. Not interested in impressing you, thus if
I say it I mean it. Obvious from my other comments. Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in..And if you are so damn proud of your man.Why keep it a secret??If you love him let him tell all, what do you care??And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

oh my dear Brina, so unexperienced in all of this.....it is NOT your secret to tell, are you the one who crossdresses? NO then if HE wants people to know HE will tell them,

and FYI, I am very proud of my husband for being able to confide in me without me jumping down his throat about it.........I am not keeping any secrets as I have none. On the other hand IF my husband wanted people to know then HE would tell them...NOT me........I would NOT be exposing myself but my husband and that my dear is NOT fair! I do LOVE him that is why I RESPECT his wishes to not tell anyone, if he is happy with that so am I....that is soooo not an issue in my house.

You obviously have issues with yourself and your own femininity, or lack thereof>>>>maybe you should work on you beofer you try to work on him and you as a couple........that would be the first step

Ellaine

04-11-2006, 05:01 PM

This thread could act as a caution to all involved.

Perhaps it's just how the stars are lined up in the skies, but one way or another...
It is rare to see such passions aroused so quickly, and with a seeker of help too. There is always the suspicion that the seeker, or someone with a very different tale to tell, is not what they appear and have an agenda to disrupt, a "troll" in fact. Perhaps we should have some kind of self-imposed policy that prioritises civility for a couple weeks before we become too personal in anger.
Brina has shown some remarkable shifts of thought in a short time. For some this appears to arouse suspicion and bile. I remember not so long ago, a "troll" being "discouraged" and sad and gullible I may be at times, I did not see her posts as deserving of ridicule just because they were somewhat difficult to believe. Truth CAN be stranger than fiction, so lets not be to harsh too soon. p-l-e-a-s-e.

Oh and I do not wish to offend...just add I wish HaleyPink would not use that two colour posting style, I find it kind of ...I don't know....Loud.. I think. (Is it me? )

Brina... About the goatee.... If hubby "likes it too" that's nice, but very unusual for a CD/TG to prioritise his male vanity over his femme vanity. Removal of bodyhair, particularly facial is an important part of achieving the femenine "feel" (for want of a better term). Now here's where I set myself up for shooting down .. lol ... It does seem to indicate that he is not consumed by this crossdressing, and unlikely to want to move on hormones and stuff any time soon. There are CD's who retain facial hair and persue their crossdressing apparently happily. Sadly, I can't imagine how you'll overcome the mask/kissing problem. I'd be interested how you work it out.

Best wishes all.... :)

Hugs all.... Ellaine

DonnaT

04-11-2006, 06:05 PM

Brina... About the goatee.... If hubby "likes it too" that's nice, but very unusual for a CD/TG to prioritise his male vanity over his femme vanity. Removal of bodyhair, particularly facial is an important part of achieving the femenine "feel" (for want of a better term). Now here's where I set myself up for shooting down .. lol ... It does seem to indicate that he is not consumed by this crossdressing, and unlikely to want to move on hormones and stuff any time soon. There are CD's who retain facial hair and persue their crossdressing apparently happily.
Seems to me Brina's husband indicated (from what I get from her first post) that he was more into dressing for sexual satisfaction self gratification. Thus he may not have transgendered tendencies. Not all CDs are TG.

If this is the case, then I doubt he'll want to shave or go further in his feminization.

BRINA

04-11-2006, 06:16 PM

Sam-antha

04-11-2006, 06:24 PM

It is so easy to misunderstand or rather misread a statement.
I am so glad that you have sorted out the unattractive female issue for us.
Keep going Brina a lot more of the thread needs clarifying..

Huggzzes
Samm

Lauren Richards

04-11-2006, 06:34 PM

Thanks Brina,
Your post has been a vehicle for an amazing number of crossdressers and attached GGs to share a wide range of information regarding some of the most basic issues we deal with every day. For me, it has been refreshing, informative, and comforting to hear the various voices (so to speak), read the well crafted and heart-felt writings of the forum members, and get to know a little more about them, and myself at the same time.

This does not often happen, as we sometimes spend time just chatting about how exciting it is to go to a supermarket, or how aftaid we are to go to a mall, or whether we like to hook our bras in back or in front, and slide them around. Just like normal folk. We have trivial issues which we chat about, and there are celebrations of freedom, cautionary tales, shared fears, and discussions about nail polish color, and lipstick.

We talk about that part of us which is male, which is treasured by some, distained by others. We don't care. We hear from the GGs, and they both teach and learn from us. Ditto reverse. There is an amazing variety of people who post here, and in that variety each of us is unique, a single point in an infinite sky. We are alike in some ways, share some characteristice, and are very different in about the same ratio. Such is the nature of life.

This thread has amazing depth of emotion, understanding, caring, sharing, and revelation within it. For that, I thank you.

Lauren

Ellaine

04-11-2006, 06:36 PM

Seems to me Brina's husband indicated (from what I get from her first post) that he was more into dressing for sexual satisfaction self gratification. Thus he may not have transgendered tendencies. Not all CDs are TG.

If this is the case, then I doubt he'll want to shave or go further in his feminization.

Thank you Donna... so if we can seperate his apparent emotional personality from being part of transgenderism....err.... eggshells!!!!......Perhaps Brina need only to think of him as he appears...without any psycomongery...your man in soft and sensuous fabrics...nylon-clad... whatever...adventurous and open to exploring possibilities for stimulation. At least it would solve the mask problem..

Since Frank Zappa first sang " I have been in you. You ...have been in me" ... sales of certain accutrements have risen exponentially!!!

Just trying to be helpful...honest!!!! lol

Time to cut and run....

stephanie100

04-11-2006, 06:36 PM

Anita Mae GG

04-11-2006, 06:50 PM

Guys (TAMMY), what is up with this? When I was in my early twenties a few of my friends on a drunk night and told a guy I was dating I had an abortion. Do you think I freaked no. He asked why did I not tell him and I told him I was afraid of hurting him and didn't know how. I was not mad at them, I was actually glad. they took care of taking the stress off me, hey more power to those who talk. I was not ashamed we were always taught not to be ashamed of your lifes experiances. Those who are ashamed arent learning.

It is not out of the "norm" for a girl to have an abortion but for a man to crossedress in not in the societal "norm" there is a difference here....... Also the last two lines, your husband probaaly feels scared and ashamed and then you flipped out on him......true we all handle things differently, maybe it was good for him to tell you right before his trip, gave you time to cool off

And (TAMMY)so you know re my feminity. I am tom boyish in regards that I am not some ninny girl who cries if there is spilled milk, I can thrive on my own, and if the toilet is broken I can and will fix it. That is classified as tom boyish?? I am not wearing overalls when I do this and have no desire to scratch in funny places. It is just that that has typically been a mans job and I can do it and will if it means I do not hae to wait for hours to get it done.

FYI, I guess it is all in way you say it, I am EXACTLY like you in that respect, I can fix things, build things, not a dress person usually but will dress up for the right occassion, don't cry over the littlest things etc, BUT I do not consider myself a tomboy AT ALL :happy: it is more INDEPENDENT!!

And you comments re my feminity are really funny for yo have no idea, I was the prom queen and the head cheer leader. I still teach aerobics and yoga and find the female body un sexually attractive. When I say that women are yuk. that is what I mean. SEXUALLY YUK. So to the cd'sthat have private imd me thank you you have been so sweet and tamara thanks for the hugs not feeling real good about my husband right now and needed it..

Well to the above you sounded pretty disgusted by woman in the beginning and I mean in general not just sexually.......

Look I am not this mean person, I am just going by the mood you set and the way you fired off at just about everyone and ranted but didn't seem to want to listen to anyone.

I do not take back anything I said, but when you do clam down and realize that this is not the end all and after you chat with the hubby, I would be more than happy to chat and help you along anyway I can!

Ms. Donna

04-11-2006, 06:53 PM

carol ann

04-11-2006, 06:56 PM

[/QUOTE The decision I believe you have to make is whether you love him enough to be able to talk through and carry through a solution that you can both accept and live with without your love for each other being impaired. its a hard one but I believe that is the question you have to ask yourself QUOTE]

I have followed this thread very carefully from the beginning and whilst I have a lot of sympathy for Brina, I would ask her to consider what her husband has been going through knowing how badly (and aggressively) you have reacted your discovery.

Humiliating your husband, Brina, by 'outing ' him to your friends can only deepen the wedge that has come between you.

Brina, it is evident from your correspondence that you have been hurt before at times in your life (you particularly mentioned your abortion which will always leave a deep pshycological scar) and I wonder if part of your reaction is building a defensive wall around you against anything that might cause you further hurt.

The quote above was my my final sentence from my only earlier post on this subject and i still beleve that there can be no other solution. Believe me when I say that I feel for both of you and hope that you can find way through what seems to be building into an impasse.

I will not add further to this sad saga.

Daintre

04-11-2006, 07:01 PM

I have to speak up here and say that we are going back and forth here....BUT..... we haven't heard from the husband, we do not know anything about him except for what his wife has told us. We do not know his wants and needs or his desires. Without his input I think we have gone as far as we can, there is much here to digest.....This is in my opinion....I will sit back down and continue watching the tennis game

rhondasxycd

04-11-2006, 08:03 PM

I've dressed on and off since i was twelve.The question of telling someone about my cross dressing be it family,friend,lover,the person you intend too marry..being discovered or telling someone leads too the thought of being exiled from family ,from friends, from your children,losing your job.. no one one understanding or willing too..risking everything you know as normal in your life..by even telling one person could ruin you forever..Even if that person is the one you hold dearest too your heart..Always wondering what is wrong with me ??I know its not right not normal..So you hide in the closet..Worrying do i have enough time to dress today ,Worrying what would happen if i got caught..Would my wife still love me ( probablly not) should i tell her??? will she think me less a man??( probablly) So you hide out of fear hoping you can repress your feelings..Maybe i'll never get caught i'll take my cross dressing too my grave..But too actually tell someone !!!To me that has to be opening yourself too your most vunerable point hoping they take the time too understand ,not just toss you aside as a freak..To me telling a lover about my cross dressing would be opening myself too the most vunerable part of my being..A secret i wouldn't want too share with anyone..a secret i've had all my own since i was a child with know one too share..too share this secret would mean a deep very deep trust..you have too understand its been my secret and mine alone for thirtyfour yrs ..so after 30 yrs or so of hiding a secret , you don't just out yourself .. ITS NOT THAT EASY!!!..i mean how ever out we are .and too what point we are acceptting..If it were for not getting caught dressed i would have never told anyone out of fear of all the lifes it would effectt..Your right before getting married if you can't purge it forever then say so be honest.... but at that time dating falling in love its something you think you can repress ,LOVE conquers all .hoping you won't have the desire to dress,hoping it won't ever come back, but it does then its too late..your married..Then the risks of someone knowing comes even steeper..Sure you should have said something !! And you never planned on doing it again..But then after 1 yr 2 yrs 10 yrs the desire you repressed comes back .. so you hide,sneak deny then get caught..And just as you supposed your world comes crashing down !!!your a freak ,your gay, you want to be a woman. when all you really want is a bit of understanding !!

ChrissyGG

04-11-2006, 08:07 PM

that is a wondrful post Ronda! I do believe that it is not her secret to tell!

Dana

04-11-2006, 09:40 PM

Very well said, Rhonda ~ very well said!

Dana

04-11-2006, 10:50 PM

You came to us for help, assistance, knowledge ~ so here's my stab in the dark at it! Don't jump all over me ~ your not going to hear what you want to hear. And, you're probally aren't going to like a lot of it ~ let alone agree with it.

Wow! This is already harder than I thought! LOL!

In part, because its really reaching into an very inner, secret part of myself, that I generally don't share with anyone ~ and with the one or two that I have ~ has resulted in disatrious results. (Short verison I'm 0 for 2 in the long term relationship department)

Me? I've had all kind of theries thrown at me ~ as to why I crossdress. In my childhood (age 4-5) I was dressed by my older sister and one of friends ~ as a joke. I was also sexually molested at about this age by a GG 1st cousin. I cannot really say that I was mentally, emotionally traumatized by either event.

When I was 14, my older sister moved back in ~ and in my reasoning and youthful logic ~ or I should say adolescent logic ~ reasoned that to understand girls ~ women, I should "wear their shoes" so to speak. So I tried on a pair of my sisters panties and it rapidly took off from there. First there was the panties, and then a bra, and then makeup, and then, and then to the point of ad nausem.

And yes in my adolsecence it did involve self abuse ~ but at that age ~ for most boys ~ that's pretty much happens regardless. Boys are interested in girls ~ they're a mystery to us at the age, (Heck, they're still a mystery!) and girls are interested in boys. We kiss, we hold hands, we date, we go steady ~ but back in my day sex just wasn't happening all that much ~ either that are I was running with the wrong crowd. It got better and easier once ~ I got a car! But not much! I was raised in the South ~ where there's a Church on every corner. There were girls that did ~and there were girls that didn't ~ and those that did far out-numbered the ones that didn't ~ or so I thought at the time!

And, yes I felt guilt about it, shame about it, remorse about it! I knew that the general population at large would not be recepetive to it, of it. And, at first it was a panty fetish,................at first. And, at first, once I got to traveling down this merry road ~ it became cyclical. Adolesnce arousal, don panties ~ self abuse ~ remorse ~ gulit, ~ shame! Couldn't get out of those panties fast enough.

But, let me tell you how other boys were handling it! They were having sex with each other. Were they gay ~ no! Bi-sexual ~ again no! They later went on to marry, have wives, families ~ children. They did it because they were adolesent, were sexually frustrated, and needed a outlet. Chaulk it up to so much adolescent expermintation ~ nothing more and nothing less. And in my small rural Alabama town of 700, there were just as many girl with girls going on ~ (fear of pregnacy ~ disease, etc) as vice versa. I know this because I was approached by any number of boys at the time ~ and I turned them all down ~ although not in a judgemental way ~ I just told them that wasn't my cup of tea.

At 18, I couldn't get out of that "Dead Man's" town quick enough. I KNEW there wasn't a future there for me ~and coming from a long line of poor Southern dirt farmers, (and I do mean poor) I joined the Marine Corps at age 18.

In part to put that town behind me! In part to validate my masculinity~ in part to prove and earn my masculinity. (Such the thinking of an 18 year old)
I did four years, and got out of the Corps ~ and was out for all of 96 days. Ran back to recuriters office, begging to get back in ~ because there wasn't - and still aren't a lot of opportunies here. Even if you have a college degree.

Meet a girl, got married during a "pepper sprout" tried living down my CD desires. Tried being the husband, the father to her daughter from another man. Talked the talk ~ walked the walk as a career Marine, as a husband, as father to her daughter! A long come my daughter~ the race is on! The pressure is on! A few short years later ~ along comes my son. I'm on the drill field ~that's right a United States Marine Corps Drill Instructor ~ Parris Island, South Carolina.

I'm so stressed out, I'm 28 years old laying in bed with chest pains ~ STRESS!
A couple of month's later ~ I grow a knot on my forehead ~ half the size oof a golfball ~ again ~ STRESS! I'm running daily 6 or more miles a day ~ and I'm stressed out!

Guess who comes visiting? Dana! Hello! At that particular point in time ~ yes ~it was most definately an escape thing ~ a de-stress thing! At that point in time ~I most definately was thinking that if I had been born a woman, been a woman ~ that I wouldn't have been going through all the crap that I was going through. I was going through the mud, the blood, and the beer along with the tears! Thing is, I hadn't seen "nuthing" yet!

Gernada, Beruit, Panama, the first Gulf War. Stress? At Parris Island, I didn't have a freaking clue!

So, I retired from the Corps! I'm thinking I'm on easy street! I've just arrive. Little did I know~! I'm back out here in the real world! The day to day! I've not a clue! I really don't! I stumbling and fumbling thorugh the goal post of life, just trying to make a first down! Forget a touchdown!

Why do I crossdress ~ or at least desire to do so! "D" answere ~ all the above! I'm envious of women's choices in and with most everything. Women have the option of being weak~ I don't! Women have the option of being in-ept! I don't! Women can be pampered, romanced, sought after, desired, appreciated, pursued ~ what man has ever experienced that? Women have the option of being "fickle" ~ I don't!

I've got to be the guy that has all the answers to all of the questions ~ the solutions to all of the problems! I've got to make the firs move ~ with you as a woman. I've got to walk this walk, and talk this talk. And on and on, and on~! I've got to play this role!

I hear you ~and you shouldn't be complacient in DEMANDING that your DH fullfill YOUR wants, needs of and as a woman! Being with a guy that dresses in women's clothing, and masturbating to the effect ~ is NOT one of your Top 10 fantasies!

That does NOT make him a bad guy!

Youl (IMHO) say to him ~ this is workable! This is do"able! But, I've got needs and wantS, and desires as a WOMAN! I TOO have wants, needs, and desires as a WOMAN!

Tara Jordan Campbell

04-11-2006, 11:13 PM

Brina:

He is still the same person you fell in love with, if you chose, over time you will either accept his dressing or you will reject it, chances are that you will both find a common ground and move on.

I can say this, he LOVES you allot, yes he may have not told you first off, maybe he was scared of losing you...........

I cannot explain my desires to dress, I have been doing so since I was little, I am married and yes she knows and is accepting of it.

For me it seems that I get into this zone, kinda like getting a craving for something sweet to eat, I just HAVE to dress, I do go out to "girls nites out" every month (where 40~50 of US show up) to hang out, dance and BS.

I can say that I have NO interest in men, dressed or otherwise, I LOVE women....and their clothes....hehehehhehe I am strong as a man and as Mistress Tara....funny huh?

I know it is hard but put yourself in his shoes..er um heels.....he has told you his deepest inner secret.....he could have kept silent but this came out and doing so exposed himself to you...

In closing:
Humans are really amazing, we can lose loved ones to death and in time we learn to overcome.......

Tara

VtVicky

04-12-2006, 12:01 AM

OK, my 2 cents.

Brina has asked "why" several times. And the responses to "why" have been varied but mostly followed the theme of "born with it." While that is certainly a dominant theme here, there are other possibilities.

One is based in Learning Theory. One possibility why some men find wearing women's clothes so exciting has been explained using the Pavlovian Conditioning theory. If you recall, Pavlov was the scientist who discovered that he could make dogs salivate when he rang a bell if he paired the bell ringing with placing meat powder on the dogs tongue. It was the pairing of the the two stimuli, (bell and meat powder), that did the trick. The dogs began to associate the sound of the bell with the taste of the meat.

It is just as possible to pair something that would not ordinarily be sexually stimulating with sexual stimulations derived from "normal" sexual contact.

Are you still with me?

In our culture it is very common to have female underwear paired with sexual stimulation. Since, it is common to have physical contact with female underwear during foreplay. And, as it happens, many boys had much of their early masturbatory experiences exposed to lingerie, either through magazines, movies, or the home laundry basket. And, since mom's or sister's drawers or laundry allows a more intimate experience with the underwear than just looking at it, many boys learn that wearing it provides a very satisfying stimulation.

Like it or not, this is a perfectly normal, (psychologically speaking), way to establish our early sexual stimulation criteria.

(I know I guy who had a fetish for white cotton panties. It developed while he was going through purbety. He had a paper route that had him delivering the morning paper to a womans house at the same time that she was dressing in front of an open window each morning. It was just coincidence that he was going through that stage of puberty at the same time as his exposure to his customers morning show, but it followed him through his life.)

In fact, this early conditioning exposure to women's underwear is so common that it has sparked a huge lingerie industry among the allegedly "normal".

Some of us have taken it a lot further. Since our generation did not have the easy access to actual sex at an early age that the kids of today enjoy, many of us developed a pretty involved masturbatory regimen. Using what ever stimulation was available.

Which brings us to the transvestic fetishist. Someone who has learned that wearing womens clothes is sexually stimulating. This learning usual takes place in the early years where intercourse is not available, but access to the stimulation of women's clothes is. This Pavlovian Conditioning is a powerful thing, and in the absence of serious motivation to change, not going away easily.

Oddly, enough, crossdressing is much like alcoholism in that CDing, like the bottle, is a reliable friend. It is much easier to predict the result of a sexual CDing event than it is to predict the outcome of a date. CDing does not desert you over some misunderstood comment, poor body hygiene, or change in financial status.

However, in the area of transvestic fetishists, it can be changed. It needs two things. One, is motivation. The motivation to abandon a life long friend that can be relied on to make us feel good when we feel bad, give us sexual satisfaction when we can't get a date to save our lives, and to give us an identity that, for good or bad, tells us we exist in this world as a unique individual. And, two, change requires the same kind of Pavlovian Conditioning experience that set it up in the first place. To see this in action I recommend you rent the movie 'Clockwork Orange".

Actually, Clockwork Orange shows the use of Conditioning to change someone who wasn't really all that motivated.

The good news for Briana, and other wives faced with a fetishist, is the description above for motivation. If a wife can meet that criteria and become the "lifelong friend" in place of the CDing, over time the CDing can fade into the background. But, of course, being a human, there may be a slip up occasional. In those instances, a resurgence of CDing behavior may reappear. In one sense, the husband and wife can see this as a sign that the relationship could use a bit of tweaking. Or that the wife is tired of playing to his needs all the time, and is happy to let the CDing meet his needs for a while so she can rest. An astute CDing husband will note that he has the responsibility to be the same person for his wife that he expects her to be for him. And, as the CDing returns, he needs to insure that, as his needs are being met outside the relationship by CDing, if he doesn't want her to look outside the relationship as well, he had better be extra attentive to her needs during this time.

Good grief! This turned out a lot longer than I had anticipated. But it is a complicated area, and I didn't want to be too simplistic. There is, of course, a lot more to this. And since we haven't heard from her husband, we are all speculating more than I'm comfortable with. (I also like the theory that some of us are into it as a sort of reverse Penis envy. Women, after all, have a sort of power men can never achieve. But that is a whole different thread.)

Good luck.

HaleyPink2000

04-12-2006, 01:02 AM

Girls She don't care what you say. She's on Her own road " ranting " and She's correct and everyone else is wrong.

I'd say close this thred Tamara!
Please Please Please!

Tammy and many more on here have tried to help guide this Girl to what is wrong in her relationship. Like telling family secrets etc. She evidently don't care. So that is why I said close this thred!

Briana has all the answers, and if She chooses not to use them, then its on her.

I wasn't going to come back to this thred. But, I did see the number count go up big time. So I had to read them. (( Wooo )) It's more of the same actually in most cases.

We all can't be wrong!

Bri is not listening, She's reading just to rant back at us. Oh, and then She's out there, I mean out there. What woman in Her right mind, would do the things to someone they love, like She's done. I would bet some of what She's said to her Husband, will never be repaired. Once you say something it really never is earased. It's in the other persons mind forever, even after you say your sorry and all.

I'm not addressing Briana, But my Sisters on here. If you say anymore to this ((Girl)), your wasting your breath unless She starts to admit She's been wrong. On many issues!

Ellaine

04-12-2006, 04:33 AM

Hi Vicky.. Wow! Time well spent.... A superb piece!!!

Haley... There's a bit more to this than whether it's right or wrong to "Out" someone, and you're sounding like you enjoy a bone to pick. Vicky has shown that there is much to be gained from looking at all angles, and allowing a little time and space for another viewpoint.
Your bitterness and anger at your loss seems to be bubbling here, but time spent working all hours to bring home the bacon, is an error I've been guilty of, when all the family wanted was quality time with me and I couldn't see it. Fortunately I didn't suffer the outcome you and others have done, but it was my mistake all the same.

Maybe we can't all agree, but we can learn if we keep an open mind. Innit?

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Glenda Grant

04-12-2006, 04:54 AM

I just found out about my husband 1 week ago today. I have been on the internet searching info on many sights but this is the first forum I have accessed looking for support . How amazing the first thread I find is yours which has provided me with so much insight by everyone's reply's. I can Identify with the anger you expressed when you found out about your Husbands cd In my case though, I did make it clear to my husband that I was not mad at him but I did have alot of anger I had to resolve. Part of the grieving process I guess. Fortunately I did work through the anger fairly quickly. Afterall I can't change the way things are only the way I feel about them but yet I have emotionalized internally to the point of feeling sick. So many things to figure out and accept. The feeling of Isolation and not being able to share this one thing with my Best friend who I know would understand. The worry that someone would know something was bothering me and and it might come pouring out. Happy for my husband that he has a burden lifted from him but now I have one on me. So many questions and not enough answers. ETC. ETC. I would describe myself as a high maintenace women. I take care of myself, go to the gym, do the makeup hair and clothes and take pride in my appearance. I want to look good for my own feelings of self esteam and hope to think it means something to my husband that I try to look good. Like wise I want my man to look handsome and after 33 years together I think it's great that I still find him handsome and when I see him in Uniform with a badge and gun it is a turn on for me. That right I'm married to a cop a really macho guy. So one of my fears was that I would lose my "man" and our sex life would suffer because somehow if he was En Fem it would make me somehow feel like a Lesbian even though I felt totally open to him wearing articles of female attire in bed if he wanted to. He has been so wonderful to me since this has all come out and I feel such deep love and compassion for him and what this has put him through so being the passionate person I am I want to make love to him all the time now. The love making also helps to aliviate my fears of loss of his masculinity. The sex bonds us and it gives me the assurance that nothing has really changed, he is still the man I love I am not losing that. He is totally leaving it up to me as to how I want to handle things. He will keep his female side to himself if I so wish but I don't because it is part of him and I'm trying to understand it. So far he hasn't done anything different cause he doesn't want to rush me even though I told him I was ready for him wear some sexy female clothes in bed. He does have a female personna that I am nervous to meet but I have decided I want to be part of helping "her" with putting herself together clothes, hair makeup etc. We figure if he does it, it will be too much of a shock for me and we both know it will quite frankly most likely look kinda of silly and I don't want my reaction to make him feel bad. I will also be an act of love on my part which will be meaningful to both of us. I don't know how I'm gonna feel when I see "Her" but I am gonna have an open mind and just see how it goes. Even though I was very understanding from the start. I am feeling much better about things now than a week ago. This thing has made me look at myself and my preconcieved Ideas and really helped me grow as a person. I know it's still gonna be a difficult adjustment but I am gonna try me best. Something I read in a pamplet my husband gave was a bible verse that I have found very helpful Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8) I guess I should have made my first post in the introduction area and started a new thread but this one has helped me alot cause we are kinda going through the same thing at the same time so I hope maybe we've helped each other and next time we can meet up in the GG section which is where I plan on going next for some support. Best of luck to both of us!!

Sam-antha

04-12-2006, 04:58 AM

I do not know now.
Much earlier today I replied to Brina remarking that it was good to know what she meant by the "YUK" of femininity.
I slept on that. Woke to the thought that a cheerleader etc is a female flaunting femininity and depending on the circs, sex.
Given that there is also her belief that the female body is off putting to her. Is such a body and display not generally considered as a sex object or as a role model ? What does Brinna consider it as ?
If either or both then there we have the tomboy inhabiting a physical body that is unloved by its owner. A person that is doing nothing to produce the appearance of a caring wife of her husband, let alone a cared for female body. that alone is a contradiction and there are too many contradictions in this character.

Does anybody remember that a crossdressing discovery started this epic and the outing of her husband ?

Is this somebody who wants help, or is it somebody who wants attention ?

Ellaine

04-12-2006, 05:41 AM

Best of luck to both of us!!

Let me second that!!!! and send a big welcome Glenda. :thumbsup:

Just 1 week !!! Some wives never get this far, never get over having "found out" and the shock it can bring to the relationship. Posted in this thread it just reinforces how different personalities deal with the realities of life. We can't expect to know how others would react, surprises are so normal!
I'm delighted that two GGs are newly here working at finding out how they will deal with this severe "curve-ball". I hope you both find what you are seeking, and you bring your partners along soon.

Hugs Ellaine :)

Anita Mae GG

04-12-2006, 06:02 AM

I just found out about my husband 1 week ago today. I have been on the internet searching info on many sights but this is the first forum I have accessed looking for support .

WELCOME and GOOD LUCK!!!!:D

Michelle Hart

04-12-2006, 06:14 AM

Brina,

I am simply overcome by your utter lack of wisdom or intellect. Your writing style alone gives it away. My guess is you are an immature 12 year old if not you act that way. I've just read page after page of excellent advice. Real wisdom that was given freely in an effort to help. Was it worth while for cross-dressers yes, for you not at all.

You have shown us how careless you are, how dishonest you are and you revel in you're own self disdain. You have made claims which are wholly untrue. So just how many lies about your past have you told him, is it hundreds or thousands. I know, I know "but those don't count".

I know I'm not "macho" enough for you even after six years in the Special Forces and owning a construction company. I'm certainly not rich enough since I make a paltry $125.00 per hour. Even though I'm quite active in the BDSM community as a dominant that just is not controlling enough either. It's sad that no man will ever be good enough for you.

If only you could find a "real" man that doesn't cry. I do that to. What a pitiful excuse of a man I am. When I bailed hay on my parents farm and rode bulls with my dad, I wasn't a man. I was just pretending. I only have an I.Q. of 198, I sure wish I were smarter. I'm in the genius range but still I'm not good enough.

You're obviously more of a man than I could ever be. You lie, and hate women. You're vindictive and spiteful. All qualities that a well rounded person should aspire to have. I wish I could be as intolerant as you are. Would that make me a man Brina? Probably not.

That must be why you're last husband left. He just wasn't good enough either. Did he not drink enough or not beat you up as often as you wanted while you were "large and in charge" or was it your insistence on dressing like a man that drove him away.

Over and over you've told how "manly" you are. Do you even own a dress? Of course you don't. A woman own a dress that just would not be proper. How dare someone shatter you're vision of womanhood. High heels, you must be kidding, makeup heavens no. Girls don't wear that.

Perhaps it was you veiled insults or demeaning tone that did it. Hey that's what guys do right? You are the authority on the subject. A self proclaimed "bitch". Now that's impressive, just what every guy want's. Before I met my current and wonderful SO that's what I looked for in a mate. Uncaring, delusional, needy and above all so selfless it made Jesus look like a slacker. Golly I wish I could be like you. I really pity you Brina. I really do.

It saddens me that you will never know and understand trust or love. I wish you could enjoy sex which I know you don't. It must be painful to be so uptight all the time. Never being able to relax and enjoy life. Most of all I feel sorry for the children who will be emotionally detached just like you. With the examples of disdain and intolerance you're setting how could they not be.

I hope you leave him, so he can find someone who is worthy of his love and affection. You certainly are not.