Unfortunate update

[britskye]

Hello ladies,

It's been a couple months since i last posted about my current situation, and I appreciate all the support and suggestions that were offered on my last post.

Since my wife told me that CDing was not going to be allowed at all, we've had our ups and downs. After another heart-to-heart tonight, I fear that my marriage is closer than ever to ending. I don't know that there's anything more i can do to make the situation better. Since our first fateful discussion, I've been honest, humble and supportive of anything and everything she needs. She told me she's not ok with it, and I purged the very limited amount of clothing I had and have not strayed. In being honest with her, I could not tell her that I would never want to dress again. I've told her that staying married to her means more to me than me dressing which only makes her more upset. She's now watching my every move and questions where i am and why i'm there if it happens to not be where i said i'd be.

I've started seeing a therapist as she requested, which has been helpful both with this issue and many of the other stressors I have in my life.

If I don't bring the subject up, things seem to go ok. But that's a false positive, as it leads me to believe things are ok, when in actuality, nothing has improved. She told me tonight she gets triggered pretty much every day, whether it's hearing about a transgender person on a tv show, or me saying how soft her new yoga pants are.

Unfortunately I don't have a set of friends I can trust and have nowhere else to turn to vent, be heard or just chat. I'm lost and don't know how else to deal with our disconnection on this.

I know i brought this upon myself as i moved too quickly and didn't really consider her feelings or the consequences of my actions. I truly believed that after 18 years of marriage, she'd find a way to at least accept my apology.

[kimdl93]

Ok…Please stop. Apologies do not have an intrinsic value. Stop blaming yourself for being yourself. No amount of self flagellation will fix things…you cannot punish yourself into a healthy relationship.

Yes, its possible that your needs and gender identity may not be something your wife can handle. That is ok. She is entitled to not participate, not support this part of you. She is even entitled to feel angry that her life plans have been upset.

She is not entitled to control your thoughts and needs. You are not obliged subordinate every aspect of yourself to her.

Simply put, if you are not her cup of tea, then you each should move on.

[AngelaYVR]

Tell her fine and seeing as how she has the problem then she can be the one to move out. Sounds to me like she rules by fear, threatening the relationship is a bona fide jerk move. And also the wrong person is going for therapy here.

[JulieC]

I think it would be helpful if you both went to therapy. If the marriage means anything to both of you after 18 years of it, it's worth putting in the effort. It is wrong for her to assume that 100% of the problem is you, and you have to resolve it OR ELSE. No marriage works like that.

[mbmeen12]

So you pay to find out why you dress ie root cause. You still need and want to dress. Actually she be happy for you in finding yourself....

[Helen_Highwater]

I have to echo other comments. Why is it just you going to therapy?

The idea that not being a stereotypical male means you're in some way broken and with therapy you can be fixed is outdated thinking. Your wife needs to explore why she finds the idea of your dressing so repugnant, so distasteful. She is the one with the prejudices, the irrational thoughts.

We can all understand that there's a shock to the system when we reveal ourselves. That however should be a short term thing and more rational thoughts begin to come to the fore.

I suspect that part of the problem is us. We add to the situation by ourselves feeling guilty, of being outside of societal norms and in some sense that's true. We to suffer from the same drivers that your wife is now exhibiting. She however has to come to the realisation as others have said, that the marriage can't be run by dictate.

Not seeing you dressed can be understandable but if a way can be found, a DADT compromise, were you can dress say away from the home or she leaves you home alone for a period, then that could be a workable compromise. A flat NO isn't going to work especially if her unfounded suspicions constantly put pressure on you.

[Debbie Denier]

Been down the same road as you Britskye. Also had the enforced purge. You cant change the mindset or opinions of your wife. As others have suggested to maintain the status quo DADT, time away at a hotel, underdressing or visiting a dressing service are alternatives. It is difficult but there are ways and means.

[Shelly Preston]

I have to ask has your wife spoken to a therapist to get perspective on your situation.

At the moment it seems as if you are the one who is having to give everything up. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

I am sure she has her own thoughts, but by not at least trying to understand she is not helping either.

[Kris Burton]

This is not your fault britskye, , and do not be guilt tripped into thinking that it is by anyone. No need for apologies, you are who you are, and CDing has not changed who you are. If you think couples therapy would help the situation then that is a good thing, but it is not going to do much for your relationship if you are the only one going...the relationship is about both of you. I think she should come to grips with why she feels so strongly about your CDing that she is willing to scuttle all your years and experiences together over it. I can't tell you what to do, but I think it would be a good idea to insist, if she is serious about saving your relationship, she go with you and get to the bottom of her feelings as well; you may both be surprised at what may lie there.

[NancyJ]

Wowser! To potentially end an 18 year marriage because her husband has thoughts about and desires to crossdress? I know I should not stereotype or jump to conclusions, but your avatar lists your location as Nebraska, a notoriously conservative center of the Bible Belt. Perhaps your wife has some rather constricted social views? My heart goes out to you. We all deserve to be loved. There is nothing shameful about gender dysphoria. Nancy

[char GG]

As far as I can tell from your posts, you may have told her about your wanting to dress five or six months ago and purchased one or some nightgowns. It seems that you thought your wife's discussions about CDing and or the nightgowns were a joke. Of course, we don't know the entire situation. Have you been CDing the entire 18 years of marriage? Did she know when you married about that side of you? Did you let her continue to think it was a joke (if that's what happened)? What happened the past 17-1/2 years?

Anyway, where I'm going with this is.... a few months is really not a long time for a wife to suddenly learn something about her husband that she didn't know previously. If this was the first real communication, she probably not only is surprised but feels duped. It may be good for you to see a therapist and hopefully, you could see if she would join you in therapy. She probably feels the need to vent to someone and rather than vent to you, the therapist who is a neutral party, may be the way to go. I could be wrong but, the way I read all of this is that there has been a lack of communication.

I don't think many wives would fall all over themselves with acceptance after 18 years of not knowing. Some education about CDing may help, some therapy, some apologies for keeping the secret, and never assume anything is ok when you treat it as a joke but are serious. Don't treat CDing as something to be ashamed of but explain to her what it means TO YOU. It sounds like she is reacting emotionally, hopefully she will get past that stage and start learning. Remain calm and don't act like you did anything wrong other than keep CDing a secret from her from the beginning. I could be way off base because you only joined here in January, 2022, so we don't have a lot to go on.

Of course, we are hearing only your side, which is very sad story. This is also a very short time span for her to truly understand. Don't assume your marriage is over unless there are other issues besides CDing. Most wives will not want to throw away 18 years if there is hope for a better future. Be patient. Be honest. Be understanding. Be loving. And above all, keep the communication open.

[GretchenM]

So sorry to hear about this development. It is hard; been there; done that and lived to tell about it. It is good that you have been honest; I did that after 40 years of marriage where my wife knew nothing. Ten years later our life together is good. She has come to accept who I am and I have adapted to an outwardly moderately normal appearing male who internally is more female-like. Not saying that is what you should anticipate. The fact is we have both changed and adapted in agreeable ways that are not perfect, but are quite comfortably none the less. In my view, right now you both bear fault. You hid the true you, even if it was not for 40 years like I did. That is wrong. But she expects things to stay the same. Ain't gonna happen.

I agree with most of what has been suggested, but I think the response you should pay the most attention to is Char's. Her perspective is much more likely to be basically similar to what your wife is actually feeling. And right now feelings are more important than facts. And I think that is what my wife felt at first as well.

That said I also agree with the comments that your wife is being a bit more dictatorial about it all. She should go see a therapist herself, perhaps one she chooses herself. But ultimately, she should relax and join you. The goal should not be to encourage her to accept your needs but to be a part of finding a unique solution that fits both of you - a new equation. It seems to me she does not want things to change in your marriage - that is never going to work. They will and have changed. Now it is a question of adapting to a new situation and that adaptation applies to both of you. A therapist can help you two find that balance.

Keep in mind therapists usually do not find solutions for you; they help you (and if possible your mate) to find solutions that work for both of you. Don't give up until you have explored the adaptive solutions that will likely be some kind of compromise that is made for the good of the relationship and not for the good of just one side or the other. Change is inevitable, but change for the sake of change is deadly. You both need to recognize that it is not one or the other, but both must change to adapt effectively.

[DianeT]

(Char wrote her answer while I was writing mine, I realize that a few points below double hers. Sorry about that).

Brittany, a few two cents from a guy who went through a similar situation:

It takes time. I came out to my wife in October 2019, 36 years into the relation, and she is still under the blow. A few GGs here were kind enough to share their experience in PM, and told me that it would take years. Like seven, ten years. Not seven, ten months.
Maybe your wife would benefit of going to therapy. But the thing is: if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. She is licking her wounds, and they were not of her own making. She should decide what is best for her (note that you decided for her for the last 18 years).
This said, your wife probably needs to speak to someone. It is horrible to have to cope with the reveal alone and not be able to share the distress with anyone. Find someone with whom she can share. For my wife, it was her therapist. She also subscribed to the FAB (Females At Birth) forum here and found a great help there.
Don't EVER show yourself in ladies' clothes in front of her. If she hates it, you are killing her image of you, her libido, and she has every right to be super angry. I'm sure you understand that you threw salt in open wounds there.
Like someone said in an early response, apologies will only take you so far. It's important to apologize, but you must apologize for the right things (lying to her, breaking the trust, taking out their choices in the process).
Once the apologizing is done, talk, talk, talk, and above all, listen, listen, listen (and LEARN).
You say your wife is watching your every move. It's obvious that she is confused, and does not trust you. You have broken the trust, like I have too. Ask her how you can mend it.


In my opinion, you need to restore the communication as soon as possible. Your wife is lost, confused, angry, and obviously miserable. Understand that all of a sudden she is living with a complete stranger. She is probably feeling betrayed and trapped in a future that may not be for her. Tell her that you deeply love her and want to fix this. Push the pause button on the dressing for a few weeks or months, so that you can discuss without her attention constantly reminded to it. And be very patient. If she's angry, she may need to lash out at you. Hear what she has to say, learn how your wife works so you can up your game. Your wife may chose to leave you no matter what you do, because if it's not for her, then it's not. But at least you'll have tried.
Happy to discuss in PM if you need to. Good luck.

[Dutchess]

Im with Char and Diane on this one ..
There is NOTHING wrong with this woman because you went too fast.. she doesn't rule with fear or all the other incorrect comments about her .. NO ONE EVER should be forced to live with this ...you think it will make it better to force/SHAME her into it ??

OP Im going to be the same way moving forward due to someone going too fast and too over the top/lying constantly and from alot of the attitudes here also ..its been YEARS later and Im just now really facing it and dealing with the personal fallout ..I have way too much anxiety over it like your wife and I get triggered easily just like her .. I was abandoned for it and that was way before the end . I'm just now starting to understand just how badly it affected my self esteem and how I perceive myself and how I think other men see me . NOT saying you do at all but I'm only hearing your side not hers and once trust is broken sometimes you cant get it back.

The thought she needs therapy because shes not into crossdressing is unreal/gaslighting ..if she feels like it to try to deal with the situation going forward fine but not to change her mind about it .
If you suggested the CD'ers here go to therapy to change their minds they would have a fit.

I'm glad your going to deal with stress better ..I see alot of people dress when under stress

[britskye]

thanks to everyone for all the replies.

she has now admitted that she wants to see a therapist as well. I never told her she needed to, but after seeing me going to one, she's come the realization that it may be the best way for her to talk about things.

I've learned many a lesson over the last few months, and i know that my wife doesn't have to ever accept me as a CD. I can only hope that someday she will. My request to her last night was for her to find a way to communicate with me. In general, she has no issues with the LGBTQ community. She's admitted she's overly concerned that it means more than it does and my reassurance that i'm not gay and don't want to transition aren't helping her. I understand her concerns and why she's struggling. I want her to be happy. And I know this isn't something that she's going to just all of a sudden be ok with, as many of you suggested, this could take years. I've told her that I will fight for us, but in the end, if it is too much for her, I would accept her decision.

I have not offered a DADT option or me dressing when i travel for work. I'd like to present that as an option, but until i've repaired some of the trust, I can't see how offering those would help the situation.

[Stephanie47]

I have not read all the answers before posting. Unless your wife goes to counseling your marriage is definitely doomed. Going to counseling does not mean all will be rosy or your marriage will be saved, but, without counseling your marriage will become a living hell. You have not offered any details or information concerning your wife. If she is ready to go off the cliff when any transgender is brought up by outside stimuli, such as news reports on the television, there is some deep seated revulsion for people not like her. She has definitely fabricated a mental image of transgender men and women that is not favorable.

"She's now watching my every move and questions where I am and why I'm there if it happens to not be where I said I'd be" sounds like you have a monitoring ankle bracelet on you. This is not marriage; it is prison. Personally, I'd get a hacksaw and be free. Don't cower in a corner. If she wants to mold you into something she wants and totally rejects this small part of you, I wonder how she would react if you asserted yourself.

Question, what has your therapist said about you and your wife's reaction that has been helpful?

ADDED: I was keyboarding as you were posting. It does not change my opinion. If it is a deal breaker for her, so be it!

[britskye]

Stephanie,

My therapist has suggested many of the same offerings i've seen on this particular thread and many others like it (DADT, travel only, etc). The part of my wife watching my every move is brand new from last night. We use an app to see where our kids are, so it also has myself and my wife on there. I stopped at another business last week to pick up some things for work and didn't tell her. Due to the part of town it was in and her not knowing that business, she brought it up yesterday suggesting that she's not trusting me if she doesn't know where i am and/or why i'm there. She reiterated that her concerns are that being CD is because she thinks it will lead to me coming out as gay or wanting to transition, etc. So my therapist doesn't know that portion yet and due to holidays, unfortunately i may not see her again til after the 4th of july.

Very possible I blew that part out of proportion, but it disturbed me enough to post it here, and i defended myself on that in our discussion last night.

i'm trying very hard to give her the benefit of the doubt, but as the days and discussions continue, I'm becoming more and more accepting to the growing likelihood that there may not be any coming back from this. If our kids weren't part of the discussion, maybe this divorce concern wouldn't be so terrifying.

[TAG]

I would ask her to join you at therapy because she needs it.
I think she is more worried about what people will think of her being married to a CDer if it ever gets out.
The wanting to know where you are at all times shows she has lost trust in you.
My first ex acted the same way when she had started cheating on me. Had to know my every move but as I found out it was so she didn't get caught sleeping with my friends and best friend and other guys. And in our bed.
I'm not saying yours is doing that but if something else is happening you will be the last to know.
We had been married 15 years btw.

[Cheryl T]

Many years ago my wife uncovered my dressing.
I swore it would end, but we all know how that song goes. Fast forward some 25 years and I've had enough. I can't hide any longer and I decide as you did to bite the bullet.
I told her "we have a problem". I spilled my guts and let the chips fall where they may. I had to be me and that was that. If it was the end of the marriage I was prepared to move on albeit reluctantly. But I had to be me.

I got lucky, but I could not allow myself to be unhappy, miserable in fact, by denying who I am. And I could not allow someone else to dictate my happiness and who I am.

[britskye]

I would ask her to join you at therapy because she needs it.
I think she is more worried about what people will think of her being married to a CDer if it ever gets out.
The wanting to know where you are at all times shows she has lost trust in you.
My first ex acted the same way when she had started cheating on me. Had to know my every move but as I found out it was so she didn't get caught sleeping with my friends and best friend and other guys. And in our bed.
I'm not saying yours is doing that but if something else is happening you will be the last to know.
We had been married 15 years btw.

I've made the suggestion about couples therapy. she'd like to try therapy on her own first and i'm ok with that.
i agree that part of her issues with it is how it may affect her if it ever became public knowledge. i'm terrified of that as well. While I work with several progressive people, the ownership team of the company i work for is not, and the field i'm in, this public knowledge would likely be an immediate issue.

sorry about how you found out about your ex. I feel pretty safe that's not the issue here

[Fiona_44]

Just remember that you are not doing anything wrong by dressing. Yes you are doing something outside of society's norms but people do many things outside of society's norms but that doesn't have to make them guilt-ridden, bad people. Personally, I believe the best thing will be for you both to go to therapy together as a form of marriage counseling to work through this. Individual therapy can certainly have many benefits but will not change who you are or who your wife is. Couples therapy can help both of you learn more about each others feelings & fears and help you adapt to a "new normal".

[vplshowoff]

I agree that she needs to see a counselor. The counselor will educate her on LGBT topics and the latest psychiatric views on crossdressing.

You wrote - "In general, she has no issues with the LGBTQ community." That's a red flag that says she is a NIMBY.

Also, "She told me tonight she gets triggered pretty much every day, whether it's hearing about a transgender person on a tv show, or me saying how soft her new yoga pants are." This paints an almost hopeless situation. She'll be triggered many times a day.

Hopefully, a counselor can get through to her about the new realities of LGBT topics. The counselor will likely tell her many facts that you've been telling her. Your wife may listen to a 3rd party that is expert with LGBT issues.

[Marissa Q]

You seem to be an intuitive and thoughtful person, britskye, and also sensitive to your wife's predicament. But your wife's close proximity to you for years has granted her an equally strong intuition about any future actions you may take, based on your personal track record of behavior (which, truth be told, we have little idea of).

At this juncture, I think it's more important than ever that you realize how absolutely vulnerable she's feeling right now, and how her own intuitive processes are screaming alarm. She's likely wondering how it can be worth it, to lose your wife/family, in order to wear silk lingerie or panties or bras. I'm sorry to say it, but that's the way it's commonly interpreted. Like many women, she's going to see it as extremely bizarre, and very male in its sexual preoccupation. And, unfortunately, she is now thinking that staying in a relationship with you is going to cost her dearly, with a rapid demotion of her own needs and the validity and importance of her sensitivities and feelings against yours.

Think well on this: if the cost of keeping the relationship going will require the use of intellectual dissimulation, word salads and lying to avoid speaking about your real goals and drives, kindly cut her loose and save her proverbial soul as well as your own. You have a right to be happy in all things including exploring your own femininity. But never at the cost of obfuscating or denying any further actions you're going to take down that road.

As for therapy, YMMV. It can be a very insightful experience, but it can also become an extension by which validation is achieved through continued falsehood. Many in therapy never quite get to the root of anything and it simply becomes a war for validation; and, in war, all becomes fair and the falsehoods flow unabated. This goes for you as well as your wife.

I wish you luck and hope for the best. But you've seen this day coming for likely longer than you might care to admit, and the cost for that lack of transparency from the outset will be pain for both of you.

[JulieC]

britskye, you've noted about being able to track the whole family on your phones. Our family does the same thing. You might present it to her this way; you can always turn off location sharing on your phone. The fact that you aren't means you are being fully transparent to her, and are not hiding ANYthing. If you were trying to hide it, if there was a reason to not trust you, you'd just turn off location sharing temporarily while you made your jaunt to do something CD related.

As for public discovery; ok yeah there's a chance of that. I personally am very, very protective of my family. Thus, CDing is not something I am going to allow to affect my family. I'm in my 50s now, and have never been discovered by anyone whom I know or who can possibly affect my job or my social circles. It does require careful decision making, but it's not that much of a burden to keep it hidden from public. It really isn't. I would venture to guess that a majority of us on this forum have kept this secret as well.

I concur with vplshowoff; it sounds like she's a NIMBY (not in my back yard) person when it comes to LGBTQ issues. Many people are. That doesn't make them wrong. You can accept many things that don't directly affect you. But, when it does directly affect you it can be far more difficult, or even impossible, to handle that. Sexual attraction, for example, can be a dicey thing. There's a person on this forum who noted recently about how his wife, upon seeing him dressed, couldn't unsee it and had lost sexual attraction for him. This isn't about being open minded or not. We each have what we are attracted to.

Something else to consider; you are who you are. CDing is part of you. Your wife married YOU. That includes CDing. Maybe she didn't know about it, but she fell in love with the person you are, which includes CDing. My own wife notes that she benefits from these aspects of me, sometimes in ways she doesn't even immediately realize.

[britskye]

Julie, the phone app discussion is one i'm holding in my pocket, but trying to avoid as it could also lead to "so you've been thinking about it" types of discussions.

as for my wife, we're both pretty progressive. she has no problem with LGBTQ, so long as it doesn't include me. i firmly believe if either of our kids came out, she'd be 100% ok. instead of NIMBY, prob more like NIMB (not in my bedroom). your other mention of the wife who saw her CD husband could have been a previous post by me as that's exactly what happened just prior to my previous post in March.

She was upset still that I'd never mentioned this prior to this discussion over the last few months. My response has been that yes, i have occasionally on a very limited basis dabbled in wearing women's clothing previously. However, prior to about 10 months ago, i'd never considered myself a crossdresser and thus never associated the term to myself. Previously i always looked at it as this weird fetish or phase that i went through. I'm hoping that at some point she does realize that this is part of who i am and always have been. I may be foolishly convincing myself there's a chance, but it is one of the few things i can still hold onto..... for now.

again, i thank everyone for your comments. i have a small advantage by being part of this community, without you all, i'd be sitting on my couch stressing more than i need to. Your comments and advice are appreciated more than you know. I've suggested she find a community that offers groups where family members of CDers can talk. to the best of my knowledge she's thus far been unwilling to look anything up. While yesterday's discussion was hard, i know it was necessary and even though it felt severely negative in whole, there were still some positives there. lingering threads of positivity that may be enough for us to repair our relationship

[Jane G]

As others have said. You need to get your wife to go to the therapist too. She needs to hear from some one neutral, how it is. That you probably will always want to dress and that there is likely nothing more to it than that. Right now, you can be fairly sure, she is grabbing info from all sorts of uncontrolled sources and coming to conclusions based on mixed information. You have dropped a bomb on the person she knew. She needs to understand that person is still there, but has a few extra parts to him. You can't tell her that, until some one neutral has talked to her and she understands it is indeed you talking. We only ever saw the therapist once together, but it was worth it's weight in gold for us. Good luck.

[britskye]

Thank you Jane, my fingers have been crossed all day waiting for her to speak up about help finding therapists on our network, but she's been working off and on so tomorrow may be more likely

[AngelaYVR]

Eight years ago my wife threatened to leave me if I ever took it further than stockings and bought myself some heels. I bought the heels. Last night we went to see Top Gun (highly recommended) together with me in my heels - and everything else. The week before we went to dinner and then a walk along the ocean front. Never give up!

[DianeT]

Twisting your wife's wrist until she yields. Why didn't we think about it? Brit has apparently chosen a different path.

[Jade P]

Angela, That is amazing! That gives me hope! It took me 40 years to accept myself, I will give my wife all the time she needs.

[*ROXY*]

Hi Brit,
My story is I married my wife 14 years ago. I told her about my crossdressing 4 years into our marriage. We went through a lot of emotions over a couple of days but we talked (a lot), we still do. Over time we discussed and agreed compromises. Both of us. I moved slowly and discussed everything before adding new items to my ensemble, from underwear to nightwear. It stayed that way for quite a while and eventually moved to dresses and shoes. Wigs came last but to be honest I find them annoying and hot so I only wear them when we go out (sometimes once a year).

The big thing is this. She didn't know about this side of me before we got married. I didn't have the confidence to tell her and part of me thought if I got married and had children the feelings would subside. They didn't. There are very few women who revel in the thought of their manly husband dressing up as a woman, that still hasn't changed, I know she would prefer that I didn't dress at all but she knows it's something I need to do and we constantly keep an open dialogue about it, how she feels, how I feel (as both are important). Don't try and bulldoze your way through this as it will end badly. Please, please don't listen to the "she can't dictate how you live your life and this is just something she's gotta deal with" brigade because unless you've already made your mind up, heaping that responsibility on her shoulders and making it her problem will only end one way. This is a huge thing, although it just seems like clothes it isn't. People change, some transition, some have to go out in public, others are content with DADT only you and your wife can make these decisions.

I'm constantly told "you're so lucky", I'm not. I communicate, I rescind, I listen, I occasionally push the boundaries but back down if it's not comfortable. Sometimes the thought is worse that the reality. I still question if there is something more to dressing than just enjoying the experience and I have a few wobbles where I question if I am trans. If I do that, your wife is probably constantly on the lookout for signs you might too.

I hope things work out well but remember, Rome wasn't built in a day and you need to tread slowly and carefully. If you love your wife, give her time, make time when you don't dress or even talk about it so it's not 24/7 in her face. It does help.

Roxy
x

[Stephanie47]

Brit, in response to my comment at #16 and your comment/response at #17, all I will add is, if we were talking about a woman whose her husband was monitoring her every movement, it would be termed an abusive controlling relationship with potential dire consequences for the wife. Most psychologists would tell the woman to have an exit strategy. Any way you slice it, it is controlling behavior. Good luck.

[*ROXY*]

In response to abusive controlling relationship, was this happening before you told her about your dressing ?
Maybe it's an irrational and emotional response and paranoia from someone who is feeling a breech of trust in their eyes.
If, however, it's been present in the relationship before now and has simply raised it's head again then that is different.
Jumping from "oh my god my husband likes to dress as a women" to she's going to bury you under the patio isn't likely.

[britskye]

In response to abusive controlling relationship, was this happening before you told her about your dressing ?
Maybe it's an irrational and emotional response and paranoia from someone who is feeling a breech of trust in their eyes.
If, however, it's been present in the relationship before now and has simply raised it's head again then that is different.
Jumping from "oh my god my husband likes to dress as a women" to she's going to bury you under the patio isn't likely.

To the best of my knowledge it wasn't happening before i told her about my dressing. Yes, we both use the monitoring app on occasion to check to see where the other is. This time though, the way she told me she doesn't trust me if i'm not where i say i am, caused a bit more concern. I think it is just an emotional response and i likely blew it out of proportion.

[*ROXY*]

Give her time. Don't overreact to emotionally charged decisions. If we all did that every time of the month we'd be getting divorced lol

[Pumped]

Eight years ago my wife threatened to leave me if I ever took it further than stockings and bought myself some heels. I bought the heels. Last night we went to see Top Gun (highly recommended) together with me in my heels - and everything else. The week before we went to dinner and then a walk along the ocean front. Never give up!

My wife was about the same, although she never threatened divorce. She was solidly against me dressing.

Over time she decided she loved me no matter and has come to accept it. Today I know if I wanted to go out on the town dressed, she would be right there with me. I don't even begin to pass, so although I would love to venture out, I will not.

[char GG]

I printed out this stage of grief list when my hubby first started dressing. Although the article pertains to death of a loved one, however, the article actually helped me get in touch with what I was feeling at the time: It may help you understand how your wife is feeling because it seems to follow the same pattern for different life situations (handicapped child, cancer diagnosis, life changing injury, etc).

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief

Your wife seems to be in the denial/anger/bargaining stage. I think you will have to understand that she is going to feel all of these things regardless of what you do. There is no blueprint, order, or timetable. Your role is to be understanding and kind. I will again stress to keep the communication open. Don't jump to conclusions, don't do anything radical, don't make her feel guilty for feeling the way she does.

You have had most of your life to get in touch with what you are feeling, please allow her as much time as she needs to process her feelings. You may have been a CDer when she married you but that is new news to her. Not part of the original package that was presented to her.

[giuseppina]

I've made the suggestion about couples therapy. she'd like to try therapy on her own first and i'm ok with that.
i agree that part of her issues with it is how it may affect her if it ever became public knowledge. ...

That's good she wants to try a therapist. I would insist on a graduate of an accredited program dealing with marriage counselling or mental health (social work, PhD psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, marriage counsellor, etc.) who is regulated and licensed by a regulatory body with the authority to discipline errant members for failing to uphold reasonable and proper professional standards, up to and including revocation of licensure. If it is anything like engineering where I live, these standards are written into law.

Experience with gender variance is useful but not essential. The main things are they don't take sides or have an axe to grind; if this happens, I would be inclined to call them out on it.

Members of the clergy, as a rule, do not meet this standard. Yes, some are defrocked from time to time, but they don't have the mental health expertise required.

[Di]

She's now watching my every move and questions where i am and why i'm there if it happens to not be where i said i'd be.

Well all I can say when something has been hidden she probably worries what else is hidden.
Trust is broken.
Glad she will go to the therapist.
Also depending on where she went to look for answers , I know many GGs read here on open forum and there can be all kinds of things on here that can freek her out.
And there is a forum out there for women that really hate on CDs / telling horror stories.
Be best if real info came from you and the therapist.

I know many of the things I read on here did not apply to us and many new GGs think reading in this section that everything they read will be the same with their hubby / 639 guests reading here right now.
Hope as things get more settled with understanding on other sides we do have a Fab section here she can talk freely in ( I mean in the future )
Most importantly how many years did it take for you to come to grip with it?
She deserves the same grace cut her some slack.
Again you do not know where she might be getting info and probably is frighten and feels betrayed.

Last but not least I find your friends after divorce thread sad as it this early shows where your mind is going ( imho)
Re read Chars posts please.
Really hope she is not reading here, and I hope things get sorted .
Do not give up yet

ADD
One day later we have several threads from married / closeted CDs posting sex with men threads
You google crossdressing and you get this and the hate crossdressing site on top ( from wives that left CDs )
And again her info should come from you and or the therapist.
Wives not familiar with cross-dressing are going to have a fear that this is what their husbands gonna do to them. We hear it all the time from new GGs that read here before joining .
Right now we have 566 guests reading .
Why your wife might not trust you could be combined all the years it was hidden and her maybe looking for answers and seeing such terrifying things.

[Jade P]

Char I totally see your point. I have seen my wife go through all the stages. Seems more accepting of my crossdressing and me being gender fluid. Of course she would rather me be a normally masculine man.

[Kelli_cd]

So, you tell her you're going to Bob's Bar & Grill but when she checks the tracking app she finds you're at Jane's Jamaican House.
Why do you lie about where you're going?
I can see why there are trust issues.

[Genifer Teal]

The thrill of marriage should come from intimacy between two partners. It seems she might feel that thrill is coming from your dressing which she probably sees as a fetish. Now that she feels she no longer is the center of your attention she may feel like you are cheating on her. Hard to make that work in a marriage.
No idea what's really going on. Just my thought.

[Di]

Had time to clean up the arguments.
STOP THE BACK AND FORTH with other members .
Direct your comments to the OP
Let us try to be adults and help and if you disagree…with someone’s advice so be it. Move on and
Stop the RIGHT fighting .
Let us see if can continue.

[Tamroi]

It is possible to cross dress
without talking about it
and without trying to look female.
Please simply try publicly wearing
some things you like
and in response to any comment
simply say 'Why Not?'.
For some events my wife says
'You should wear pants to this'
and so I do.

[docrobbysherry]

The fact is that people change and grow apart. That's why most marriages fail. When CDing is involved it's usually just one more issue in a litany of them!:doh:

Britsky, if you've grown apart and find u can't make your marriage work anymore? Hopefully you'll both agree that the kids come 1st when u divorce!:thumbsup:

When my ex and I split, it was a very lengthy and rancorous process! But, we agreed on NOT bringing our young children into it. :straightface:
And, they were much happier living with us individually then together with all the arguing and negativity!:thumbsdn:

[Stephanie47]

Reading this thread and others of a similar nature I have to wonder sometimes what's the cost of victory? There have been endless threads about full disclosure before marriage and later the shit hits fan. There can be any number of reasons. After the dust has been settled. Where will each stand? I've read postings on sites that are definitely not accepting of cross dressing that a wife will come to have a mental image of her husband en femme, whether or not she has ever seen a picture or him in the flesh. The issue will always be in the back of her mind. How will that shape the future? Will that app always be turned on? Even if she does not ask about a delay in coming home, will she always be tossing in her mind "What is he doing? Where is he?" The husband can be true to his word, and, still get the short end of the stick. Trust runs two ways. She does not trust him. And, he is not being trusted, no matter what he does. Basically, a living mental hell. You may think you have it all ironed out, but, you really don't.

When you get closer to the end of life it becomes natural to start running "The What if?" You start reflecting on the choices you made. Some may not have been the best. And, some may be great. Sometimes there are "deal breakers." Basically, I have found the choices I have made have fully accepted within my heart.

Going to marriage counseling will only get issues out in the open. Genuine acceptance?