Friends w/ Ex?

[britskye]

on a related note to my other post from yesterday, i'm curious.
my wife says we'd still be friends if we were to divorce due to my CD.

for those of you that have already experienced a split due to your dressing, were you able to stay friends with your ex?

[Julia B]

Nope, and I do not want to be.
Sure at the time I thought it would be great to be friends.
But time heals wounds.
Your wounds will heal.
Move on and you will indeed find a woman who truly appreciates YOU.
Do not continue to be stuck someplace that doesn?t make you happy.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who does not want to be with you and does not like what you do? You can and will find happiness if you let yourself be free of those who do not love you for who you are.

[JenniferMBlack]

Nope. Sure it seams like a good idea but that never really works. Better to rip that band aid off and be done.

[Julia B]

Life will get better, I promise. Things probably seem like the floor is falling from your world right now.
Stay true to yourself and protect yourself.
You are a good person.
You will survive and you will ultimately be happier in the future.
I know, I was there.
Feel free to PM me any time.

[Marissa Q]

I differ from the previous opinions. Never burn a bridge if you don't have to.

[Kris Burton]

I'm not sure that a split over dressing is different than any other...and it depends on the persons involved. If you have children, you must remain civil at least. If not, a clean break and moving on may be more advantageous. Sometimes "Let's be friends" is just so many words...that's what it was for me, but try your best to see the situation for what it is. If you should split, how it feels seeing your ex afterward will tell you which way to go. Either way though, try not to get stuck in the past and look to the future - it can be very bright!

[Jade P]

I would hope we would stay friends. We have been non intimate married friends for the last four years since we had the talk about me being a gender fluid crossdresser. My wife is not attracted to me for intimacy so we are friends.

[SaraLin]

Ex-wives, not really - but the breakups weren't because of dressing. By the time we split, there was W-A-Y to much damage done to the relationships.

Now - there are several ladies who I've dated who I remained good friends with after we split, but I don't know how much my dressing had to do with the breakups. They knew but I'm not sure how big a factor it was. You'd have to ask them.

So yes, to answer your sorta unasked question, I do believe that you and she could remain friends if you broke up over your dressing.
The question remains whether or not it would be good for the two of you to do so.

[kimdl93]

That is one of those things wives say as they are preparing to depart a relationship. Makes it sound easier and less painful. But reality seldom matches that.

[char GG]

This seems to be a continuation of your previous post about how she feels about your CDing. It seems that she is struggling but still loves you. Let it play out for a while before you take some of these things that she says too seriously. Continue to communicate and educate. If you two do split, maybe you can remain friends. Every situation is different.

[JulieC]

brit, that sounds like a sop. "Hey, it won't be so bad! We'll still be friends!" It might even be a sop to herself. She may be trying to imagine a post-divorce world, what that looks like, and how it will feel. She could be trying to placate her own failure in accepting you by telling herself it won't be so bad; you'll still be friends, and will accept him then.

Take all of that with a grain of salt. I know virtually nothing about your relationship with her or her.

I had a long (>3 year) relationship with a woman not long before I met my wife. She was completely unaccepting of my crossdressing, yet expected me to embrace her being bi. I found that hypocrisy to be hateful, and it (along with other things) soured my relationship with her. She was one of several motivating factors in my insistence that any future woman I was to be with would know and accept my crossdressing or the deal was off. The only connection I have with this woman now is through Facebook. I haven't interacted with her in many, many, many years. I don't consider her a friend.

[GretchenM]

Once again, I agree with Char. In my opinion, you should continue to work on finding solutions other than just ending it. I say that after 52 years of marriage. We had several rough spots where one or the other of us was willing to end it, but we always found solutions and our marriage improved as a result. It is never perfect for long and never will be. Marriages don't do that simply because there are two people involved and they always have differences. It is just a matter of whether those differences make life unpleasant or not and, most important, if there are not solutions and adjustments that can smooth over the dents and scratches.

[Fiona_44]

Don't put the cart before the horse. You are a very long way from that point.

[Dutchess]

No...and like Julia B said above - I don't want to be..it can work both ways..
Forcing someone to endure dressing- and its related behaviors - when they don't want it is not good.. I had 2 cd/tgs Brit.. one died due to HRT and the other actually lives in his car due to his really bad/forcing ( he was always threatening to leave if i didnt let him dress 24/7,see others to "feel like a woman " calling me a bigot etc etc) dressing behaviors . He has been trying to get me to let him comeback as of late after 7 years but no thanks..what I went through with that from him I never want again.

I think chucking a marriage for this is ridiculous but that's just me.. you need to really think about this . The grass is not always greener in the car (so to speak). If you have an otherwise good life, I'd keep it.

[britskye]

For the record, i'm not thinking of leaving her. During our discussions, it's her talking of ending things.
I believe she still loves me and is trying to figure out how or if she can accept me with this new information. But when we talk, it turns to her thinking it's more likely she wants out.
I have not dressed in about 10 weeks and will not do so behind her back and am trying not to force her to deciding anything. All i've been asking for is communication.

[Pumped]

My experience? Nope, it will not happen. If you can tolerate each other after the divorce that will be the best you can hope for. The lawyers and splitting up of assets it gets ugly and leaves a sour taste. Over time the bitterness will fade, but by then you both have moved on.

My ex told me the same thing and I have talked to her maybe 5 minutes over 40 years. I am over it, but i don't feel the need to be around her.

Why are you wondering about being friends with someone that doesn't want to be around you?

[britskye]

Pumped,

2 factors largely at play here.
one, i don't have much of a support system outside of her and my kids and her family
two, we are best friends. i could see a world where we're still friends just not romantically. this of course means she does want to be around me. if she didn't, this would be over already and we'd be having a different conversation

[docrobbysherry]

It is rare for a couple to divorce only because of crossdressing. Usually that's simply the straw that broke the camel's back!:doh:

In a marriage that already had plenty of issues beside CDing, Britsky!:thumbsdn:

[britskye]

It is rare for a couple to divorce only because of crossdressing. Usually that's simply the straw that broke the camel's back!:doh:

In a marriage that already had plenty of issues beside CDing, Britsky!:thumbsdn:

this is part of why i'm so bothered by this. outside of this, i didn't think there was even a hint of the d word. i can't speak for her and i don't want to seem oblivious, but the biggest issues we've had lately have been related to my travels for work and not being home over the past few years. And that issue is being dealt with.

[kimdl93]

My advice is to step way back from the edge. She mentioned the D-word for a reason, and she was not kidding around. As doc said, this could very easily be the last straw. And do not let wishful thinking about still being friends delude you in any way. After dissolution, you will likely be stopping in the driveway to pick up the kids, and your conversations with the Ex will pertain to child support and other financial matters. Then, most assuredly, another male will occupy the place of best friends in her life. You will likely have to find your own, if and when you can.

[MiniRock]

My ex hasn't spoken one word to me since 2008. And we have two children together. She didn't quite manage to get me into prison. But she got me a criminal record for trying to see my own children. Some women are plain dangerous.

- - - Updated - - -


For the record, i'm not thinking of leaving her. During our discussions, it's her talking of ending things.
I believe she still loves me and is trying to figure out how or if she can accept me with this new information. But when we talk, it turns to her thinking it's more likely she wants out.
I have not dressed in about 10 weeks and will not do so behind her back and am trying not to force her to deciding anything. All i've been asking for is communication.

You're the freak with the problem. Deal with it!!!! She doesn't love you. She never did. She isn't capable of love. Love means caring about the somebody's happiness. You understand that; you care about her. She doesn't and she cannot.

Now I don't want to advise you. But here's my advice: divorce her, tomorrow morning, before she divorces you. Because in the family legal business, he who divorces the other will win. It's that simple. It's stinks. But you can't change the system; you can only play it. And if you have children - I can find no mention of them - then it's even more important, if you want to maintain any kind of relationship with them, to keep her on the back foot. Not you. Then once you've won, you are capable of magnanimity towards her. If she wins, you are ******** my friend.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be unkind. I'm speaking to you as one imperfect man to another. Because I know what men are. I like men. And I don't like to see their lives destroyed by women in the clutches of the vile family legal system.

Mini

Oh, and if you have no children, just walk away.

[JocelynJames]

My wife said this a month into it after I came out to her(married 5 1/2 years) . I told her it was unlikely we?d stay friends , mainly due to our lives moving forward without one another as a constant. Also told her she would undoubtedly find love again, but none like ours. She stayed and always says it would have been a colossal mistake.

The ex on the other hand- we didn?t split b/c of cding, because she never knew. That was a case of married too young and we both changed- or at least I did. We don?t talk and have two grown children, but I?m good with that.

[TAG]

My ex is fine as long as I don't have to live with or deal with her gambling addiction.
She knows about me so thats not an issue.

[giuseppina]

Along the lines of MiniRock's post, it's time for marriage counselling; if she refuses, it's time to engage a solicitor (lawyer) with previous experience in family law to protect yourself.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's how I see it.

[JulieC]

I don't fully agree with what MiniRock said (but that's fine!). I did want to echo what MiniRock said about the family legal system. I had a child out of wedlock with a woman several decades ago. Every step of the way in the legal system regarding our daughter was difficult, if not at times pure hell. I was once told that I couldn't look at my file they had on me at the county clerk's office. I asked "Why, are you afraid I'm going to find out where I live?" I had them aggressively pursuing me for two years and threatening me with all sorts of legal problems for supposedly being in arrears (I was NEVER in arrears the entire time I paid child support). After trying over and over and over again to show them their error, I gave up and threatened legal action in a formal letter to them for harassment, including time lost having to fight it and suffering from their negligence. The stripped their gears trying to de-escalate.

Also; though the child support system is, on paper, fair and equitable to both parents, the legal system is otherwise HEAVILY biased against men. Fathers are absolute evil in the eyes of the law when it comes to family legal matters. Mothers can get away with ANYTHING unless you have deep, deep pockets.

All that is nothing to say of the absolute maddeningly frustrating dealings I had with her mother over the years, whom I now do not speak to and hope to never do so again. Her mother had no role in the legal system fubars though.

So yeah, what MiniRock said in regards to the legal system.

[char GG]

Please don't get ahead of yourself.

If you dwell on what happens after you split, your mind is already in another place.

[DianeT]

Ditto. Your wife needs time to adjust. I don't know how much she emptied her bag during your discussions, so keep the communication going. Her talking about divorce may be just a sign that she feels trapped and is considering all possible options, not that she made up her mind about the outcome. Keep us posted.

[Pumped]

Pumped,

2 factors largely at play here.
one, i don't have much of a support system outside of her and my kids and her family
two, we are best friends. i could see a world where we're still friends just not romantically. this of course means she does want to be around me. if she didn't, this would be over already and we'd be having a different conversation

That is your side of the relationship. Would she say the same? After all people in marriages that are "best friends" generally don't get divorced. My first wife and I were best friends too, that is why we got married.

I am with the other comments that CD'ing was the straw that broke the camel's back. My bet she has some issues with the relationship already, otherwise the "D" word would not come up so easily.

[LilSissyStevie]

We were never friends before we got divorced. It turns out that her being beautiful, oversexed and kinky isn't a solid basis for a lasting relationship. Who could have known? But, since we've been divorced, we've been able to be somewhat polite to each other so our relationship has improved 1000%.

[Paulie Birmingham]

the only reasons to be friends with an ex are if you have kids together or sex. and you can coparent without being friends.

[sometimes_miss]

While I understand where all her anger and misunderstanding came from, the fact that she was readily willing to commit a felony in blackmailing me during the divorce meant that I would NEVER want to see her again, no matter what the circumstances. For despite her complaint that I wasn't 'the man she thought I was', she certainly wasn't the admirable woman I thought she was, either.

[mbmeen12]

Yes she and I are friends....I talk and even actually will be going to a drag show together in September. I hope it's assist in your curiosity.

[Genifer Teal]

We all know how valuable it can be to have female friend help us navigate parts of this. Why give up the opportunity to have one that knows you so well? There could easily be a lot of difficulties but if you both understand it's over definitely over no going back, we are adults, it shouldn't have to matter. If you can look at it as a completely new situation kind of like the marriage never existed and just say what does she have to offer me and there's a lot of help she can provide why not? If other thoughts are going to Cloud the issue or get in the way then it might not be such a great idea. I wouldn't jump to any fast conclusions. If there's a benefit and she's willing to help, why not?