Putting a lot on them

[Maria 60]

Before I went out on my Friday night drive my wife asked to see what I was wearing, she wants me to dress decent in case of a car accident or getting pulled over by police or for whatever reason I have to get out of the car. She knows at times my hormones do the dressing and she doesn't like me to present inappropriate.
Last night we were enjoying a bottle of wine in the yard and my wife asked me if I looked into that social group that I mentioned to her a few weeks back, with my wife when you mention something to her its like planting a seed in her head and it will grow. Just to brief you in, a few weeks ago I mentioned how she felt if I looked into a social group who has small intimate dinners in our city.
I could tell by the look on her face she has been really thinking about it, she told me that on Friday night I looked great and I've come a long way and I'm getting more and more complete, "BUT". All the makeup and as much clothing and wigs can't change genetics, she told me that I'm tall and I'm going to stand out in public, am I ready and head strong enough to maybe get that second not so exceptiing look or maybe a negative gesture told me.
I could see I'm really putting a lot on her plate this time and how her main argument is she's worried about my safety and doesn't want me to get hurt.
When I told her about this I turned to this great community for advice and the best response and amazing suggestion from most was to find out where the next event was for that social group and go there for dinner me and my wife and just observe what's it's all about instead of just throwing myself into the fire.
She then tells me that I will be putting myself at more risk, the risk of being seen and am I not going to be talking about my personal life at these events. I'm not going to keep going on what she said I don't want to bore you all but it was a lot about how I felt presenting myself as a women in public and we should prepare how to approach the children in case.
I was glad we were having this conversation because she was telling me things I've never thought about and its alway nice to talk openly and I could tell she has really been thinking about it. She then mentioned that maybe we should involve her sister since she has been lurking around and if we all remember she seen me dressed in the background of a FaceTime call.
She told me maybe her sister will complete me more with maybe someone from the outside giving there input of what we don't see, I then realized this was larger then life to my wife. Asking her sister is to help her, I think she has nobody to discuss this and maybe feeling alone and is second guessing herself.
At this point I'm now feeling bad that I'm putting this on her and not blaming the women who want the DADT relationships, there probably better off not dealing with this stuff.
I told her to relax and just by me not looking into the social group must mean I'm not even interested that much into it. I told her I'm more then happy where I am now and I've already over achieved what I thought I would be at these point of my life and I owe it all to her. I told her to stop thinking about it and concentrate on her children and grandchildren that's what's important.
I don't know what it is about a women when they become wives and mothers but they really put themselves second and will do anything for the happiness and fulfillment for there family. As much as she says she enjoys sharing this part of me I also feel bad that I'm making her deal with this.

[Stephanie47]

I guess I am the earlier riser today. Maria, I enjoy your posts. It is refreshing to read a husband and wife can have these conversations. It would be an absolute joy to have a wife who would be supportive of my inner needs. A wife, who is married to a cross dresser, whether she likes it or not, has some skin in the game. Your wife gives you strength. She gives you guidance and encouragement. She is concerned in the mutual negativity that may arise if your cross dressing is inadvertently revealed to less accepting people. What's the alternative? DADT? My wife has not said "boo" concerning my desires since the mid 1980's. There is no support. Sometimes I feel I wish she would blow up. She is not there to rein me in, if I were to go in the wrong direction. Too many wives, and husbands too, only look at the issue from their own viewpoint. I think your wife is able to see Maria does not put her relationship with her male husband in peril. In fact, Maria may make your relationship stronger because you and her work at it together rather than making you hide in the closet.

As to the social group, the way I see it, your wife is telling you it's alright with her. If you want to spread your wings, she is supportive. You're also telling her, that right now that is outside your comfort level. So be it. As to your last sentence, it may be applicable for you. When I read posts on the site, it is a rare snow day in hell that a wife is genuinely supportive of her husband's cross dressing needs. Yes, kids do and should come first. The vast majority of us are destined to hide in the closet or the root cellar to avoid the storm that is raging outside.

[JulieC]

Well one, I would never in a million years involve her sister in this. Her sister, by your reports here, is a major threat. Ok she knows, can't be helped now. But, the fact that she's been as forward as she has been should be raising all sorts of alarm bells. Absolute no in my book. No way, no how. Not gonna happen.

Second, I get that you feel bad about making your wife deal with this. But, understand; she's along for the ride. If she wasn't, she'd be out the door. This is your ride...as in you and her. She's wanting to be involved, and has been involved. Communication is important to understand where she is and how burdened she feels she is. Don't decide for her what is and isn't too much. Don't hold back because you're afraid of overburdening her. Instead, talk it out. Communicate. Learn. As CDers, it's easy for us to assume it's all bad, it will be rejected, it's not something our wives ever want to deal with. So, even with accepting spouses we hold back, we don't display, we try to keep a lid on it. Admirable from one perspective, but from another it's repressive and harmful. Communicate 100% with your wife. She's on your team.

Just don't get your sister-in-law on your team.

[char GG]

Your wife has been your biggest supporter. She is obviously looking out for you.

I echo what JulieC said about your sister-in-law. Stay away from her.

[bridget thronton]

Sounds like a concern from your wife is making sure you adult children do not find out by accident if someone you know sees you at the event (my wife had similar concerns - so we agreed I should fell the kids I dress before I consider public outings near home - so we told our kids and their spouses and they were not upset). I am not suggesting you tell your kids, but I am suggesting that their feelings be part of your decision. Keep up the great posts.

[Fiona_44]

Maria,

I remember some of the stories you have previously related about your sister in law and I agree with what others have said - I would not involve her in this at all.

You are lucky to have such an understanding wife. Good communication is key to insure you are both comfortable as you progress in your journey.

[docrobbysherry]

Maria, you're obviously very concerned about your 1st solo outing!:sad:

I suggest u contact this dinner group and ask if u may attend the first one in drab. Most T groups encourage shy, newly out, dressers to do that!:thumbsup:

That was what I did my 1st time out. But, after having a few drinks with the "girls" I felt so out of place I went up to my hotel room and came back down dressed 45 minutes later!:devil:

[Helena]

Maria, based on your previous posts I wouldn't want your Sister in law involved at all.

Does the dinner group allow spouses to come too? Our Lincolnshire based group welcomes wives and partners and I think that is very positive.

[alwayshave]

Maria, From what you have posted about your sister-in-law, I'd steer clear of her. I realize your wife may need a third party to speak to, but is she the right person?

[Aka_Donna]

You are taller than 6 foot? There are some tall women of all shapes.

I see several aspects that do not seem to be considered.

1. SIL, she's a tease, and maybe hopes for a hook up, orgy. Not enough info to know. Your wife may want to talk with her BUT you need to offer at least one other outlet besides SIL. The social group is a roll of the dice. It depends on the group dynamics.

2. What about kids/grandkids? You need to have a least an outline of discussion you will have with them. A- if they find out from you ahead of reveal, or B- after they find out from others. I expect the scripts for A or B will be different.

3. What about work? Do they need to know? Probably not, but a script should be prepared AND a plan if they go bonzo and say can't work here anymore.

Do not discount the value of someone else to talk with. You could always start with one child so wife has someone to talk to about this. My wife's attitude changed for the positive once 3/4ths of the kids were told and she has two others she can discuss this with beside you.

I don't buy the line, this is not important to you. I think you want to try it and then see if you like it. That's fine, but seriously you are not ready yet. You need more conversations to get ready.

Also you need personal interspection of the end goal. You go out weekly, you dress about half of time. What would satisfy you? Do you need a week in Vegas/cruise trip switching from dressing to nines and dressing normally but zero male dress? I don't expect wife wants a lesbain relationship full time. Would you want to present as female for 7 days in a row, 24x7, or would you be anxious to reclaim some male identity.
Have you scripted, role played how you would respond to rude comments on your presentation. Mull it over and let us know your discoveries.

Best wishes

[kimdl93]

So can this be distilled. it seems that your wife, quite understandably given all that you have written, sees the probable outcome…which is that you will be seen. She knows you actually want to be seen…yes in public. And recalling what you have shared about your sister in law and mother in law, its just a hunch, your wife has told them far more than you imagine. They are quite likely waiting for you to come out.

[Debbie Denier]

Whatever you decide to do. Be careful out there.