Please help!

[jazzabella]

Greetings,

I am married to a wonderful man who is a cd i knew about it before we got married. When we got pregnant with our daughter my feeling started to change about his cd. I use to support him before I got pregnant but now am having a tuff time with it. I would like to get any and all advice from this group if i can. I love my husband very much and i want to understand why he does what he does so i can support hm like I use to. I want this so we can grow stronger as a family.


Jazzabella

[Sweet Susan]

Dear Jazzabella,
All crossdressers cross dress for different reasons. Hopefully, your husband has explained to you why he does what he does. If not, that is a great place to start. This is, of course, a personal matter between the two of you, but since you are seeking outside advice, you couldn't have come to a better forum. I can assure you that I am a perfectly normal guy who just enjoys wearing women's clothes. Actually, I shouldn't say "just", as there are some complications. I have been doing this almost all of my life, and I am in my early 50s. I will never stop. I don't want to stop. My wife has been very good about it, but she is extremely open minded, anyway, so that was a big help. My initial advice to you and your husband is to seek counseling with a qualified third party. What avenue is best to choose, I don't know, but I would research therapists in the sexuality, marriage, transgender, etc. areas. This is not the end of the world. My wife used to tell me, "I did not marry a woman." So, I have worked hard at not making her feel like that.
You will get much information from this forum. Read it, think about it, and take your time. Good luck, and pm me if you like or feel a need. Sincerely, Susan.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Hi Jazzabella,
Well, I'm a GG (genetic grrl) and my partner is a CD. I feel differently than you, as I support and even like this aspect of him. You say you want to understand why he does the cross dressing so you can support him like you used to. Unfortunately, with all I've read I doubt anyone will ever know the exact caused of why someone crossdresses. Perhaps, you have the wrong question. Maybe the question is what is he doing now that is different? Or, what has changed in your relationship that you think makes you feel differently towards him? Have you considered a support group, like TriEss? Anyhow, let me know what you think about what I've said and if I can be of help let me know. I'm sorry things are tough for you now. Hang in there, love sees us through all things I believe.

hugs
kew

[Amelie]

It is very difficult to say why someone crossdresses, Jazzabella. Everyone has their own reasons. There is one thing similar to all, and that is the need to dress is great. It is like eating and breathing, it is something that must be done. Why?? I really don't know,, just is. Your man must understand that he has a family coming along, and must make compromises in order to keep your family together. His main goal in life now is to raise your child the best way he can, even if it means giving up the dressing, your child is more important.
You both must talk(not argue) about the best way to handle the dressing, use common sense. While there is a strong urge to dress, the family comes first. I can not give you first hand advise, because I don't have a family. I do know all effort must be giving to raising your child.
Maybe someone here can give a better perspective on how you should handle the situation. I hope all works out for you and good luck.
Love Amelie

[KewTnCurvy GG]

You grrlies are always so thoughtful here; I love ya all:)

hugs
kew

[jazzabella]

Thank you all for your advice. See I'm just so confussed because when we were 1st together i never once had a problem with it ontil I got pregenant. And I'm so mad at myself because I dont want to make him stop being who he is. But with our child......I just dont know what to do. My husband has been some what understanding, but even for him he doesnt understand why when you were 1st together i had no problems with it and now that the baby is here I do. I'm just trying every avenue i can to help make our marriage work.
Again thank you to every one this is a big help for me. And a big step for me to do this.
Jazzabella

[ieya]

As others have stated it is really between the both of you to talk to each other to resolve what the problem seems.
Have you thought since the birth of your child that you fear the child may grow up being confused with the situation? Or confusion over whats correct way for things to run properly?

As i have stated you need to talk seriously to your husband and work something out between you.

If i had chosen to do things differantly i would still be with my Exwife.

As being a Crossdresser each individual has his reasons for dressing as they do. My reason is simple i feel more comfortable and relaxed as dressed as a women than as a man. Im very aggressive when a man. As a women i feel very gentle toward others though ive never hit anyone in my life i felt dressing as a women has controlled my manly ways an awful lot.

Also dressing as i do even sleeping dressed in womens clothing i can talk more and my self confidence has risen more.

I wish you the best

love ieya

[Krissi]

Jazzabella,

Reading over the responses to your post, I once again am reminded what a special place this site is. These girls are great, and are all offering great advice. For my part, as someone who has had several psych classes, I agree with everyone saying that the two of you need to talk and lay out a game plan for the future. I'm not dressing often at the present, my wife and I are trying to get pregnant the two issues are not related. We have talked a lot about what will happen when we do have kids, and really it doesn't vary much from what we do now. I only dress when it is assured that we will be alone, and trust me with a busy-body sister-in-law that is not often...lol. I'm sure you know that pregnancy and parenthood bring about changes in all of us. Your feelings about him dressing could be nothing more than hormones or whatever, it could be a deep rooted fear of not only him being caught, but you as well for supporting him. There's also the idea that there is a fear of how the child will react to having a crossdressing father. It is very difficult to be open when a child is young, they like to talk and talk about the most important people in their lives, their family. Its easy for them to unwittingly blunder out about having 2 mommies or whatever. I know I'm rambling here, but you are right, this is an important time for the two of you. I would not suggest forcing your husband to quit "cold turkey" that path can lead to sneaking around, lying and cheating if the desire is strong enough. If you guys sit down and lay out some ground rules, this could be just a small bump in the road for you. Dress up time might be limited, but then all "fun" time is limited with a newborn around.

I hope all of this has been helpful. Feel free to drop me a line, I wish you and your family :) the best of luck.

JJ :)

[Amelie]

You have to also consider what the childs life would be like. If your man is open about his dressing then the child would know he dresses. This could lead to your childs friends and school mates knowing, and this could be rough on the child. Other children can br relentless with their insults toward your child. He would have to hid it from your child, while you both might be open minded, others out there are not so open minded and this could make problems for your child. This would be the main problem that I can see, thta you both must work out.
Once again good luck, if you have anything else to ask, go ahead, we'll try to answer.
Love Amelie

[jazzabella]

Everything you have said about not telling our child, is everything i do fear and have thought about in depth about when or if we ever tell our child. See my other problem is, is that i have troubles looking at him when he is dressed. And I think alot of it has to do with the fact that i want a man to hold and not a women. All throught HS I was bi-curious i was with alot of women then,and also men, and i choose to be with men and men only. And I feel when he does dress that i'm being forced to be with women again when i dont want to. I love my husband so much but this is really making me mad (at my self) that i cant except him anymore for his CD. But i'm hoping that with some advice and time it will all work out in the long end. But time will only tell.

[ieya]

This is my advice by all means dont just listen to what i have to say or take my advice literary as your circumstances and love for your husband is nothing i know of.

My advice is compromise. Allow your husband to have his fetish BUT only when your out with your child OR allow him to do so one day a week or whatever your decide together is best suited. To dress freely for the one day away from your child.

The child will be bullied etc as they grow up as many in society are scornful of CD feelings and how we act. Im not saying all society is like this but the majority is. Anyone here will tell you this im sure.

hope this helps anything else feel free to post


love ieya

[Georgette]

Jazzabella. See if there is a Tri=Ess group in your area, you can find them on the internet @triess.net I think that is the right link. They have helped me tremondesly, and I'm sure you and your SO will if youa ttend the group in your ares.
LOL Georgette

Be who you want to be not what others think you should be

[Krissi]

It maybe that you may have to step back for participating in his dressing for a while. You know he does, you let him, just schedule some time for him to do it alone. Then after a "cooling down" period slowly re-introduce him dressing back into your life. I don't know what kind of town you guys are in or near, but maybe he needs to find a cd friend for dress up only. I know he has to realize, like I do, how lucky one is to have a wife that accepts and even understands. I know from my own experience that we can take that for granted and push things too far. He's going to have to find a nice balance of Husband/Father and Girl/Playmate. Even for "normal" couples, having kids causes a shift in roles. The best couples keep that friend/lover mixed in with parent, you guys just have a little more to add in.

JJ :)

[Amelie]

Everything you have said about not telling our child, is everything i do fear and have thought about in depth about when or if we ever tell our child. See my other problem is, is that i have troubles looking at him when he is dressed. And I think alot of it has to do with the fact that i want a man to hold and not a women. All throught HS I was bi-curious i was with alot of women then,and also men, and i choose to be with men and men only. And I feel when he does dress that i'm being forced to be with women again when i dont want to. I love my husband so much but this is really making me mad (at my self) that i cant except him anymore for his CD. But i'm hoping that with some advice and time it will all work out in the long end. But time will only tell.

I have some of the same feelings. I am gay, I like men that give the appearance of a man. What I mean is, I am not attracted to crossdressers even though they are men. But the difference between me and you is, you have picked a crossdresser to be your mate. Some how you saw through the clothes and saw a decent man who you love.
This might sound sillly,, but it is just clothes(?) He is still the same man you loved before, He has not changed, has he(?) Just because he dresses and you love him, does not make you, bi. You are man and women who love each other, and no amount of women's clothes that he wears can make you bi. You are a hetro couple, clothes can't change that.
Like I said before, your child is the most important part of your life, your lives must revolve around your child.
Love Amelie

[Lily_gg]

Do pregnancy hormones (at a certain point in pregnancy) increase the urge to have a very 'manly' man as a mate? Some kind of trigger because, speaking evolutionarily, we need to pick/keep the mate who's most likely to be able to protect and provide for us whilst pregnant, and our offspring once born so that they survive into adulthood?

If so, and if you're pregnant at the moment, that could be the cause maybe?

There have been studies done where they got a load of women at different stages in their cycles, and showed them pictures of different men, asking them to rate the attractiveness of each. When the women were ovulating, they picked the more 'manly' men - the ones that showed all the signs of being chock-full of testosterone, strong, healthy etc - mating with these men would yield the strongest, healthiest, most likely to survive offspring. Two weeks after ovulating, they all picked the more 'girlie' men - the ones who looked like the more caring types who'd stick around and help with the baby. Interesting study I thought...

[Sharon]

I think the most important thing to do is to sit down with your husband and have a good long talk with him. Tell him exactly what it is that scares you or turns you off, or whatever. You need to lay down some guidlines as far as you are concerned. Who knows? Maybe after a while, you'll find yourself more accepting of him again.
My wife and I raised three children, each of whom are in their twenties and early thirties now. None of them has ever found out that I dress in women's clothing. Simply put, I would have died if they had. Kids have enough things to deal with without burdening them with something like this, at least when they're children. I also wouldn't want them to alter their opinion of me, even though they are each bleeding hearts like me.
Your husband, like me, will find a way to indulge himself so that it won't affect anybody else. This isn't to say that his piccadillo won't change, or progress, in the future, just that for now, if he loves you more than his need to be "out there" that is, he will follow whatever rules the two of you iron out.
Just remember, bedroom doors have locks on them for a reason.

[AnnaMaria]

Jazzabella,
It sounds to me as if maybe the maternal instincts are starting to kick in. You may very well be reacting to the situation due to the fact that you know how society reacts to cd's and you don't want your child to have to experience that while she is young. But, what you have to consider is that just because your hubby is a cd does not mean that your daughter has t know about it. Especially considering the fact that she is still quite young and wouldn't know any difference anyway.

I have a 9yo daughter and I deal with this issue all the time. Due in part to the fact that she attends a Lutheran school and neither I or her mom want anything to get out that will cause her problems. But, that said, I wear only panties all the time and nightgowns to sleep in and have for over a year now. She knows that I wear these things because she has seen me in the nightgowns and has helped her mom with the laundry and seen my panties but she understands that she doesn't need to talk about it. I am not sure if she asked her mom about it and her mom told her not to say anything or if she just figured it out for herself. But I don't flaunt it. anytime she sees me i am always covered. I either have on a robe or i change into regular clothes. Maybe this is something that your husband could try and you might be a little more comfortable with the overall idea of him being a cd.

I hope that this will help. just remember that you really need to talk to him about it and not push him away because of it. Sit down and have a talk and both of you listen to what the otherone has to say without getting upset or hurt. I know it's easier said than done but it really is the key.

Anna

[Wenda]

Hi Jazzabella, sorry to hear of your angst. I have always had an attraction to women's clothes, but during our marriage, it was never an issue. My ex and I divorced a year ago, our youngest will graduate from highschool this year (I hope) and I rediscovered dressing this summer. It has become abit of an obsession, as has this site. MY gf is supportive, and enjoys shopping with me, but is still not comfortable making love to Wenda. No problem.
I think I like dressing partly because of the escape into fantasy. Not sure.
The points that have been raised about your new family being number 1 are very important, and I agree that some practical suggestions have been posted. As well, your new-found frustration with his dressing could very well be a part of hormone levels and your new awareness as a mother.
I do know that, dressed or not, I am still the same person. I relate to women differently, I like shopping more, I love shoes, but wenda has the same values as wayne. You have had good advice and are on the right track. good luck with your pregnancy and please enjoy parenthood. wenda.

[clarissa3d]

Hey jazzabella,

I have two childeren 5 and 12 years old. I will give you my experience. I have been married for 20 years, or was. I have been crossdressing from the age of 5 years old. As Amelie has said that this is apart of me like breathing or eating. I am not the most out going person and had a very hard time telling my wife that I crossdressed. When it came down to it my wife did not want any part of it and told me to quit. I told her that it would be like cutting off my arm or leg to stop. We had several arguments infront of my childeren (NOT GOOD AT ALL) but to say that my childeren are the greatest is an understatement. My son age 12 is aware of my crossdressing, he was told by my ex wife. My daughter has made mention of my dressing as she said "Mommy says you wear her clothes". At the age of 5 I am not going to try to discuss this with her and I currently side track the topic.

Through the growth of my son I did not dress around him. I would only dress when time was appropreate. The reason my marrage went down was that my wife would not compromise at all.

So in a nut shell, you have accepted you husband as a crossdresser, remember why you love him regardless. You must talk out both sides so you and he know both concerns. Find compromise for his dressing time and time for you with him in male mode. Childeren will only take 100% of your time so you will have little for each other (just the truth). Be kind be honest and give as you will receive love and honesty.
I will pray for you and yours to find the strength to work this out.

[jazzabella]

Hi girls Thank You so much for all your advice. Sorry it has taken so long for me to reply back, have been sick. There are somethings i dont mind my husband wearing like for instints I dont mind him wear panties because they make some men undies like that. The bikini types, my dad wore them. And there are some sleep wear i dont mind him wearing either. Its just mostly the over all of it, but you are all right we do have to sit and just lay out some do's and dont's.
But again thank you to all for all your advice and I look forward to getting to know you all much more.
Jazzabella

P.S.
My daughter is 13 months now, so i'm not pregnant anymore. But thank you all for the concern........LOL.
Jazzabella

[Rachel Elizabeth]

I have been married 42 years. I told my wife that I enjoyed dressing 2 years into our marriage. I was trying to be honest and open. She did not respond well at all. For the next two years, it was similar to the Spanish Inquisition.

I have 3 children....two girls [40 and 37] and a son [27]. I don't believe that they know because my wife and I agreed that I would never dress at home. And to be honest, I didn't want to dress in front of her. I felt it was "dishonorable" based upon the vows that we exchanged at our wedding. My love for her is stonger now than it has ever been.

Fortunately, I travel on business - a lot. I always take Rachel with me. Rachel is a part of me. She is what I have felt since I was 5. I didn't know why. I thought I was sick. I carried tremendous guilt with me every day.

So where are we today? My wife still knows that I dress when I travel. I honor her request that I do not dress or keep my clothes at home. I never did. Children always find things that are hidden. In one conversation, prior to her being more accepting, she told me that she would know how to combat another woman but she didn't know how to deal with the other woman since it was me. I understood that.

What can you do? Take the advice of the other "girls", it really is good stuff. Talk
to your husband and try to remember that he is being torn between a driving force with which he cannot defeat and being a good husband and father.

I will pass to the other side some time. When I do, I will do so honorably and Rachel will keep me company.

Love and best hopes.....