Living a fantasy or a lie

[Billie]

I've been trying to decide what where I'm going with me. When I started at Torrid, I thought that would be a week at best and I'd get mocked, threatened or worse and quit to be safe. None of that happened, I quit because the Holiday season was over. I've been living more openly, going out and about my day as I see fit, which seems more and more to be presenting as a women, as much as a just over 6 foot tall man can. With and without my wife I go to the gym, movies, lunch, groceries, bar, dinner, shopping, a Dr appointment, and yesterday a eye exam. I don't change my voice. I get sir'ed or mam'ed depending on the person, place and level of style of clothes and didn't seem to be in a rude way. Dr's office the assistant that called me back for the check-in stats was caught a little off when she called my male name and I responded, asked nicely about my gender. Same at my eye dr yesterday.

All that to say I was scared to talk to my wife for years about this. First time didn't go well and it took us about 25 years to get to a point were we could, and things have gone well beyond what I would have thought back then. I was scared to walk out the door and into the world (some times still am) but so far so good, the world hasn't imploded. But why? I read of other's in much more "open minded" areas of the world and wonder are they just unlucky or am I not paying attention in a fantasy world or living a lie?

There is my job, I have never called work a career, that I would be surprised if they weren't thinking something was up. While I go to meetings on Zoom, they can't have missed my nails for the last two years, Dell made sure to put the camera were my hands are in clear view when I type. I've also been growing my hair out and it's gotten pretty long. Two years ago when we were in the office it had been three years since I had worn men's pants/shorts, so what is a change in tops going to do? And if I'm wearing blouses, bras and forms?

My best friend, if he doesn't think something and is just never going to say anything, cool. He once asked my wife about my nails, she told him to ask me. He hasn't. He did ask when I didn't have them done, why I didn't. I wore capris to their house a few weeks ago, he did comment, but nothing really. My response was to ask if he liked them, to which he said they would be too long on him.

My parents, they've lived halfway across the country from me since I got married. Until today when they finish the last couple of hours drive to move to the opposite side of town. The first time I saw them after I started getting my nails done was the first time I had them removed for a week. The next time the visited I had clear on them and the last they were painted but not acrylics. Only comment was from my dad asking where I got them done. But now they'll be here and here I am wondering what will happen when inevitably they see me.

I'm set to go to a conference with my wife in a month, in another state. There most of those in attendance will know her and half of them will have known her for 20+ years and collaborate with her regularly. Some of her co-workers/employees will be going also. We are trying to figure out how I'll dress while there. She's not too concerned about friends and thinks they will be totally cool. Her employees, well, that's iffy. Also on this trip we'll see long time friends, best man at each other's weddings friends. I've decided we'll either be friends or we won't after this trip.

As I've rambled on, I am still trying to figure out, am I living a fantasy or a lie to myself or maybe the world isn't as bad as it seems sometimes.

[Crissy 107]

Sounds to me like you have things figured out pretty good. You are comfortable with the things you do and have pushed the envelope as you go along. I think the way you have gone about this seems to be the way I would if I were in your position.
Good luck and I feel the future is a positive one for you.

[Debbie Denier]

I don?t see it as a fantasy or a lie . You are living life the way you choose. Good luck with your journey. I hope you find true fulfilment and happiness,

[Kitty Sue]

Very inspiring. It sounds to me you and your wife are pretty comfortable with where things are and if others are not that is their problem.

[Aunt Kelly]

You will be amazed at how a professional can help you sort out these things. From what you've shared, it looks like it's time.

[CynthiaD]

It's not living a fantasy or a lie. It's living the truth.

[TAG]

Living your life the way you want to is a beautiful thing.
Don't feel like you have to live up to anyone else's standards.
I remember when the buzz words were living a lie or living authentically were all the rage in the CD and trans community.
No matter how you live you are still you so don't fall into this notion you have to live one way or another. You do what is best for you.

[Lana Mae]

Councilor is a good idea for sorting things out! Just let yourself be yourself! Hugs Lana Mae

[sometimes_miss]

or maybe the world isn't as bad as it seems sometimes.
We've seen gradual tolerance from the general population re: crossdressers, but there are still people out there that want us dead. Don't thing for a minute, that the world is always a perfectly safe place for people like us who cross the gender lines.

[GretchenM]

From what you have said, I see a person who is living life pretty close to how you perceive yourself in relation to the world. And it sounds like your local area is pretty accepting and not very threatening. That is good, but I am sure you are aware that in even the most liberal community there are places that we best not go. Recognizing that is also good. So, I don't see much fantasy or any lying to yourself in your description. You are very much living your life as you wish. And even though your wife is not super supportive she obviously is tolerant and accepting and probably realizes you are still very much the same person she fell in love with and still loves. She looks well beyond what is on the outside, but don't take that for granted. Keep the communication lines open.

As for going to the conference with your wife, it sounds like many of the people there are much better acquainted with your wife than with you. My recommendation is to follow her lead as to how to dress there. That is a special environment that is likely a bit different than being out in the general public where most everybody is clueless about everybody else. The great thing is that you can still behave consistent with your self image without the clothes or indications. It might not be as comfortable for you, but if dressing could have a negative effect on your wife then she should decide what is best for you to do. The little hints approach (like polished nails) can work well in that setting.

I think we all could use the services of a therapist to help us adjust to a society that still is far from accepting of the 1% to 5% of people who are this way in some fashion or other. It is a natural variation in humans, but some societies and cultures and people in those are not accepting and only see a male-female binary that is consistent with the person's sex. We are different - IN SOME WAYS. But the more certain you are of who you are and how confident you are as that person, irrespective of the rigid social standards, the more you will be viewed as a reasonably normal person in the larger society. And that is where counselors and therapists can help. Do you really need it? I can't say. Only you can decide that. But if you are uncertain a few sessions with one of those that is familiar with gender issues can help you to gain some additional self assurance.

[NancyJ]

Billie, I would say that we, us trans people, become expert at an early age at both telling lies and spinning fantasies in our minds. We need to in order to survive. Sounds like you have told the truth the two most important people: yourself and your wife. Some people have trouble handling the truth. You get to decide who is safe to share yourself with and who is not. Trust yourself and your wife on this. Seems like you both have done quite well so far. Nancy

[docrobbysherry]

Billie, only u would know if it's the truth or a lie. But, in either case it sounds like you're enjoying it all!:heehee:

[Mackem Sue]

You are who you are. I've discussed more in other threads, but basically your need to express your female side will never go away.

How you maange it is up to you, but you have to balance your needs against how you want to present in public and how tolerant your nearest and dearest are.

I think if you're still holding back, people have already sussed you out with the prime example being your nails. But there is the danger of misinterpretation, suggesting if the pink mist is strong you must be honest with others (i.e. gay - not me - rather than a crossdresser or trans - latter definitions are defintely me).

The lie is self-denial as I've found out with a grief-related purge over two years ago. The pink mist always comes back, so why torture yourself and why endanger your own mental health by denying part of who you are? That said, the pink mist is stronger for some than for others.

Beyond that, it's a case of how open you want to be. You must decide, based upon those close to you and their tolerance of so-called non-standard behaviours (too many live in the past), where the line in the sand is to be drawn.

A little hint I'm fully guilty of at odd times here is, if full expression is a no-no then underdressing can take the edge off the pink mist (panties, stockings garter / suspender belt / tights / pantyhose under you male clothes - easiest to conceal) at times you can't fully dress. But again, that's your choice.

Sue

[Philipa Jane]

The thing I take from this is that in the last paragraph you have stated that you will either keep or loose friends.
That is the best attitude from my point of view.
It signals that you are prepared to take the step that will suit your needs.
Well done.
I personally have found that from my assumptions that I would lose many friends has been unfounded.
Even the straightest guys have said as long as I am happy who cares.
Good luck.

[Karren H]

As I've rambled on, I am still trying to figure out, am I living a fantasy or a lie to myself or maybe the world isn't as bad as it seems sometimes.

I think the world is as bad as it seems and getting worse. But you can live in a bubble where what you do pushes your reality onto others around you. Hence the saying, I reject your reality and substitute my one! But step too far out of that bubble!

[alwayshave]

Billie, You're on a journey and it seems you're trying to figure how far down the road you will travel. It seems only you and your wife can make these decisions. What every you decide I hope that you are happy.