Thoughts if someone wants you to stop

[Helena J]

Haven't posted in a long time context 20 years ago there was this girl I was madly in love with she kept breaking my heart back then also back then she was a completely difrent person your tipical out of control and dating wrong guys etc any case didn't see her again after that for probably 10 or 15 years then we started messaging each other and just talking but she changed difrent personality and she really did let her self go doesn't even look the same anymore she was married and deforced whent extremely deep into religion etc so we talked and it was fine then she told me 1 day that I'm too dark and if I can't change that we shouldn't hang anycase thats not the point. So didn't talk for a while again think 5 years so in that time I lost my dad last year to covid so 3 days ago she pops back into my life so we started talking again I play open cards I tell her about my dressing up etc and sent her pictures etc she said that I looked better than her in woman's clothes and I looked exotic she seems fine with it but she thinks I must go for some church sessions (sozo sessions or something) with her to discuss this I told her honestly I'm not ready for that and I'm fine with this part of myself so we keep on talking.So we go to meetup for coffee for the 1st time again in ages she still let herself go even more we talked and it was nice reconnecting and just talking and being open about my dressing up so we say our good byes. Then she massaged me that she really likes me but that I have to stop dressing up if we do hookup. So my thing is I'm happier when I do dress up it's part of me and secondly I don't have those feelings for this version of her I fell in love with the old her now the difrence between the 2 versiona is like night and day am I wrong that I just don't find her attractive any more she has really let her self go badly also I will be unhappy if I force myself to not dress for her and resent her. Plus its wrong from her to expect that but she did say in her message that she doesn't want to be the person to make me unhappy. Haven't answered her yet really thinking hard about this am I wrong in thinking this way.

Update:
Replied to her told her that I can't stop and that it would make me miserable if I forced myself to not dressup and that this is part of me and it comes from deep down in my soul and that I am only looking for a friend and that I would understand if she doesn't want anything to do with me.
She replied basically that it was a moment of weakness and loneliness that she said that because she was dealing with alot of family drama and fighting etc. But here's the thing that really disappoints me she said that she didn't aprove about the dressing and if we are going to be friends that she's not going to pretend to be ok with it because she will feel like a fake. So now basically its the same thing just in a different way then it's still wrong I shared a really big part of myself to her I'm just not even going to reply to it and the biggest kick out off all of this is the fact that today is the 1 year anniversary of my dads passing and she knew this i told her when we met up for coffee she could have tough at least that I would be extra emotional because of that.

[CharlotteCD]

Isn't this a crossdressing version of Forrest Gump?

In any case, you know you won't be able to stop for all that long. Why give it up and resent her, only to then break that promise again.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

She said you're too dark and you must change, and you dress differently and you must change. I wonder how many other things she won't like about you after you get together. Get ready to mold yourself into a completely different person just to please a nutjob.

[Helen_Highwater]

Helena,

Are you wrong to think this way? No.

I think you've answered your own question. What you do, your dressing, is part of who you are. It would be akin to you asking her to give up her faith to please you.

And as you say, the person you see now isn't the same as the one from your past. She's changed so by all means stay in touch but leave it as a friendship not a relationship. Failing that draw a line under it and walk away.

[Debs]

Its impossible to stop at any price believe me !!!!

[kimdl93]

Even without addressing the question of stopping, you have said that you do not have feelings for the woman she is today. You cannot recover the person of twenty years past. Secondly, but still very important is that she has no right to ask you to adopt her belief systems. Third, and obvious as well, is that cross dressing is a positive aspect in your life and she even acknowledges that she does not want to contribute to your unhappiness. Trying to stop would very much make you unhappy in the run.

[Debbie Denier]

Helena, I think that ship sailed long ago.In the past you were interested in her but she not so much in you . Sounds like the present is vice versa.The world is full of women that tried and failed to enforce changes on their partner. It just doesn?t work.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Helena :hugs:, Find the Nearest EXIT and Run don't Walk through it, and Don't look Back, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Julia B]

Run away from her and don?t look back. She is a bad influence and you know it. There are other attractive women out there willing to love you for who you are.

[alwayshave]

Helena, A women who starts a relationship wanting to change you is not interested in you, but what you can give her.

[Helena J]

Thanks for all the input I wasn't shure if I was being wrong to think this way or bad for not feeling that way towards her anymore. My reply to her would probably be along this line. That if I force myself to stop then I'm going to be very unhappy becouse dressing up comes from deep in my soul and it makes me happy and feel good at what I see now this part of me has always been there since childhood. And I'm only really looking for a friend.

[Rachelakld]

sometimes people come into our lives, we have whatever relationship were supposed to have, then we head in separate directions.
I think you did your relationship decades ago, perhaps she was there to teach you about heartbreak and now that time is over.
GO forward in life, not backwards.

[Karren H]

Isn't this a crossdressing version of Forrest Gump?.

Run Forest, Run! Lol

Sounds more like she is taking you on as some kind of religious project! Save the sinner! Walk away now! You know you can not quit and she and her religion will always try to change you.

[Helena J]

So I just messaged her the following:
I Will not be able to stop dressing up it's something deep inside my soul and it will make me very unhappy if I force myself to stop. I'm just looking for a friend but will understand if you do not want anything to do with me if the dressing up upsets you

[Maid_Marion]

You aren't wrong for thinking of yourself first. There are plenty of women out there. Find one who will love you just the way you are!

As I'm really short women don't hit on me very often. But it happened a few weeks ago when I was dressed in my girly golf clothes.
It should be pretty obvious when the questions try to figure out your employment status! And they make it obvious that they are single. Just like that. Boom!
But, not always. Guys can be quite oblivious to signs that women are interested in you!

Marion

[Helena J]

If its a bid to nice I just don't like hurting people

[RoxieChristine]

Helena, my first marriage ended bitterly (nothing to do with dressing). Years later as we were working through college stuff for our daughter she kept complaining about the way I looked at things. When I asked her why she married me if she didn't like so much about me, her reply was telling. "I thought I could change you". That type of relationship will never work unless you WANT to change. Trust me I've been there.
I understand reconnecting with past flames. I have someone who is a dear friend and back in high school I wanted to date her but she was always after the guys with the flashy cars. Reconnected and she is also a very different person. She had changed and not necessarily for the best. She is still like a sister to me, but no thoughts of the "old days" even start to creep in. As a matter of fact I've felt a couple of times that I got lucky nothing worked between us.
Your situation sounds somewhat similar and I'd suggest taking a step back and really examine the situation carefully before proceeding.

[SaraLin]

I haven't read the other responses to your OP yet, so forgive me if I'm repeating things.

I think the proper, decent response that would be the best for the both of you is something along the lines of:

"It's nice to reconnect with you, but I can see that we've both changed. I've finally found myself and I cant/won't give that up. It's cost me too much to get this far. I also can't/won't ask you to change how you feel. It's apparent that our paths in life are just to different for us to travel together, but I'd like to be able to still stay in touch, if you're OK with that.

You get the idea - some form of the "friends" speech.

<update> Oh - I see you did already. Never mind.

[Rachel05]

I think you might have answered your own question and from my point of view I know for me that it would be extremely hard, if not impossible for me to stop my dressing, as you have said, it is very much a part of you and I think maybe you might manage for a little while but eventually you will miss it and all she will do is drive you underground and that in itself can be a stressful place to be, it was for me

I like who I am and I am lucky that I have people in my life that like who I am too, I can dress, be fully open about it with them and life feels good, I think you like who you are too, shame she doesn't

[RachelB.]

Rachel's must think alike. Read your post. I see the answer in it.

[Kris Burton]

Helena - As far as relationships go , whether CDing is a factor of not, I think it's important to remember that your ex is your ex for a reason. You've already identified the reason.

[Helena J]

Thanks for your in put I just tought that I must get it over with and not keep her on a line wondering

[GretchenM]

Helena, I think you took the right step in telling her that your dressing is a part of who you are and you are not going to try to give that up. It is exactly the right thing to do because a relationship with her would never work. I suspect she is a good person and you are too. You two are just not compatible and that is OK.

[kimdl93]

You did the right thing for yourself and for her. She didn’t love you, she wanted to change you. That’s not love. And as for not wanting to hurt someone feelings, its understandable, but, and I know this from personal experience, avoiding the unpleasant truth can leave you stuck in an enduring lie, something that is inevitably more painful for both.

Like the old (sigh) Bonnie Raitt song says, “you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t”, or digging even further back into the archives to the Righteous Brothers: “You’ve lost that loving feeling, and its gone….

[Heisthebride]

Here is the question to ask yourself. Why does she thinks it’s fair for you to change to meet her expectations and not the other way around. There is a reason you never got together, trust the reason why that never happened. You have every right to be who you are.

[Pumped]

I have a good friend that keeps dragging home "stray" women. None are that bad, but some baggage of some sort. He hooked up with a woman a while back. He is very social and likes to go out for breakfast at the local cafe, and run around town and visit friends, and maybe go have a couple beers at the VFW of Legion on Saturday evening. She wants to sit at home and watch reruns on TV. He can not get her to leave the house.

I told him that they were not a match and let her go, but he insists on "fixing" her. After a couple months he has decided she just wants to live that way and there is no changing her.

I don't know why people met that are not compatible and they want to force the relationship. If they are different, there is nothing wrong with that, but don't force it, move on and find a person that likes you for who you are and can accept that, and that goes both ways.

[Di]

I wish she would look into it more and understand it
.

But I am glad you told her her you would not stop.

If the conversation goes any further explain it is part of you and maybe even direct her to read more about it.

I have been here many years and the ones that tried stopping ( and the seriously tried) it NEVER lasts.

One more thing a big huge well done for being upfront.
Although it is hard it is much worse later.
She is not-the one and her loss.

[Paulie Birmingham]

many people say they would stop cding for their family. im sure some do and live happy lives without ever cding again.


this girl is not the person you do that for.

[Helena J]

Isn't this a crossdressing version of Forrest Gump?

In any case, you know you won't be able to stop for all that long. Why give it up and resent her, only to then break that promise again.


She said you're too dark and you must change, and you dress differently and you must change. I wonder how many other things she won't like about you after you get together. Get ready to mold yourself into a completely different person just to please a nutjob.


Helena,

Are you wrong to think this way? No.

I think you've answered your own question. What you do, your dressing, is part of who you are. It would be akin to you asking her to give up her faith to please you.

And as you say, the person you see now isn't the same as the one from your past. She's changed so by all means stay in touch but leave it as a friendship not a relationship. Failing that draw a line under it and walk away.


Its impossible to stop at any price believe me !!!!


Even without addressing the question of stopping, you have said that you do not have feelings for the woman she is today. You cannot recover the person of twenty years past. Secondly, but still very important is that she has no right to ask you to adopt her belief systems. Third, and obvious as well, is that cross dressing is a positive aspect in your life and she even acknowledges that she does not want to contribute to your unhappiness. Trying to stop would very much make you unhappy in the run.


Helena, I think that ship sailed long ago.In the past you were interested in her but she not so much in you . Sounds like the present is vice versa.The world is full of women that tried and failed to enforce changes on their partner. It just doesn?t work.


Hi Helena :hugs:, Find the Nearest EXIT and Run don't Walk through it, and Don't look Back, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**


Run away from her and don?t look back. She is a bad influence and you know it. There are other attractive women out there willing to love you for who you are.


Helena, A women who starts a relationship wanting to change you is not interested in you, but what you can give her.


Thanks for all the input I wasn't shure if I was being wrong to think this way or bad for not feeling that way towards her anymore. My reply to her would probably be along this line. That if I force myself to stop then I'm going to be very unhappy becouse dressing up comes from deep in my soul and it makes me happy and feel good at what I see now this part of me has always been there since childhood. And I'm only really looking for a friend.


sometimes people come into our lives, we have whatever relationship were supposed to have, then we head in separate directions.
I think you did your relationship decades ago, perhaps she was there to teach you about heartbreak and now that time is over.
GO forward in life, not backwards.


Run Forest, Run! Lol

Sounds more like she is taking you on as some kind of religious project! Save the sinner! Walk away now! You know you can not quit and she and her religion will always try to change you.


You aren't wrong for thinking of yourself first. There are plenty of women out there. Find one who will love you just the way you are!

As I'm really short women don't hit on me very often. But it happened a few weeks ago when I was dressed in my girly golf clothes.
It should be pretty obvious when the questions try to figure out your employment status! And they make it obvious that they are single. Just like that. Boom!
But, not always. Guys can be quite oblivious to signs that women are interested in you!

Marion


Helena, my first marriage ended bitterly (nothing to do with dressing). Years later as we were working through college stuff for our daughter she kept complaining about the way I looked at things. When I asked her why she married me if she didn't like so much about me, her reply was telling. "I thought I could change you". That type of relationship will never work unless you WANT to change. Trust me I've been there.
I understand reconnecting with past flames. I have someone who is a dear friend and back in high school I wanted to date her but she was always after the guys with the flashy cars. Reconnected and she is also a very different person. She had changed and not necessarily for the best. She is still like a sister to me, but no thoughts of the "old days" even start to creep in. As a matter of fact I've felt a couple of times that I got lucky nothing worked between us.
Your situation sounds somewhat similar and I'd suggest taking a step back and really examine the situation carefully before proceeding.


I haven't read the other responses to your OP yet, so forgive me if I'm repeating things.

I think the proper, decent response that would be the best for the both of you is something along the lines of:

"It's nice to reconnect with you, but I can see that we've both changed. I've finally found myself and I cant/won't give that up. It's cost me too much to get this far. I also can't/won't ask you to change how you feel. It's apparent that our paths in life are just to different for us to travel together, but I'd like to be able to still stay in touch, if you're OK with that.

You get the idea - some form of the "friends" speech.

<update> Oh - I see you did already. Never mind.


I think you might have answered your own question and from my point of view I know for me that it would be extremely hard, if not impossible for me to stop my dressing, as you have said, it is very much a part of you and I think maybe you might manage for a little while but eventually you will miss it and all she will do is drive you underground and that in itself can be a stressful place to be, it was for me

I like who I am and I am lucky that I have people in my life that like who I am too, I can dress, be fully open about it with them and life feels good, I think you like who you are too, shame she doesn't


Rachel's must think alike. Read your post. I see the answer in it.


Helena - As far as relationships go , whether CDing is a factor of not, I think it's important to remember that your ex is your ex for a reason. You've already identified the reason.


Helena, I think you took the right step in telling her that your dressing is a part of who you are and you are not going to try to give that up. It is exactly the right thing to do because a relationship with her would never work. I suspect she is a good person and you are too. You two are just not compatible and that is OK.


You did the right thing for yourself and for her. She didn’t love you, she wanted to change you. That’s not love. And as for not wanting to hurt someone feelings, its understandable, but, and I know this from personal experience, avoiding the unpleasant truth can leave you stuck in an enduring lie, something that is inevitably more painful for both.

Like the old (sigh) Bonnie Raitt song says, “you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t”, or digging even further back into the archives to the Righteous Brothers: “You’ve lost that loving feeling, and its gone….


Here is the question to ask yourself. Why does she thinks it’s fair for you to change to meet her expectations and not the other way around. There is a reason you never got together, trust the reason why that never happened. You have every right to be who you are.


I have a good friend that keeps dragging home "stray" women. None are that bad, but some baggage of some sort. He hooked up with a woman a while back. He is very social and likes to go out for breakfast at the local cafe, and run around town and visit friends, and maybe go have a couple beers at the VFW of Legion on Saturday evening. She wants to sit at home and watch reruns on TV. He can not get her to leave the house.

I told him that they were not a match and let her go, but he insists on "fixing" her. After a couple months he has decided she just wants to live that way and there is no changing her.

I don't know why people met that are not compatible and they want to force the relationship. If they are different, there is nothing wrong with that, but don't force it, move on and find a person that likes you for who you are and can accept that, and that goes both ways.


I wish she would look into it more and understand it
.

But I am glad you told her her you would not stop.

If the conversation goes any further explain it is part of you and maybe even direct her to read more about it.

I have been here many years and the ones that tried stopping ( and the seriously tried) it NEVER lasts.

One more thing a big huge well done for being upfront.
Although it is hard it is much worse later.
She is not-the one and her loss.


many people say they would stop cding for their family. im sure some do and live happy lives without ever cding again.


this girl is not the person you do that for.
Thank you all for your input and points of view and insights I really do appreciate it helped alot :-)

[Fiona_44]

Helena,

You did the exact right thing. Hooking up with that woman would have been miserable for both of you.

[Sandi Beech]

There are other fish in the ocean. Sometimes it is better to just cut and run. It is one thing for someone to try to stop a person from dressing after they get married - understandable. But to try to mold someone into another person beforehand - that is a huge red flag. What else would she want to change about you as time goes on.

My 2 cents is like the others who say run the other way. Find one who is accepting and she will just be a memory.

Sandi

[Stephanie47]

Any woman who is going to paint you as a sinner and in need of some sort of redemption is bad news for you. She'll take you to her church so you can become enlightened....BS. She will attempt to unravel any progress you made for self acceptance. I'm sure she would find some other grievances to remedy. If you have any LGBTQ friends or acquaintances they'll be on the do not associate list. IMHO, people like her are toxic. You're wise to severe any contact with her.

[Gillian Gigs]

There is a quote that I saw many years ago. When you think about a guy who CD's when he marries, then his years of marriage, read this quote.

"Why does a woman marry a man, then spends 20 years changing him, only to finally say, he is not the man I married!"

Too true to not think about!

[Wendy-Lyn]

Well, no. I don't think I would. I don't WANT to stop, and I doubt I COULD stop anyway.

[Joanne108]

I told my wife I love her for who she is; so why is she afraid to admit that the cross dresser is part of the man she loves? She seems to have learned to put up with me as Joanne!