My question of "why"

[Emi]

I took a quick look into the "Ask A GG" sticky. There's currently some responses regarding a question about a wife's struggle with acceptance after 30 years. So as not to violate the rules I thought I would post my thoughts here.
I find it very intriguing that there is some agreement that possibly we are emulating what we subconsciously desire in a woman. However, most GG's resent the pressure society had/has placed on them to dress and act in a way that is not comfortable. It's clearly communicated that overall a lot of GG's would prefer to abandon the dressier items such as hose, heels, and even dresses. My wife could be included in this category for the most part. Often times I've heard that women dress up for other women, not men, more of a feeling of subconscious competition.
I bring this up because I am one of those who are enamored by the fancy part. Heels, thigh highs or pantyhose, and dresses. I am interested in classy rather than trashy. I rarely dress the part but would love to have everything I needed to.
Then we talk about how good dressing makes us feel. I for one can not find what sets me in a fog but I am certain that stress is a factor. So, that seems to counter some of that theory?
My one last thought is that I recall my first experience at probably around 9 or 10 putting on a pair of my mom's discarded pantyhose. It was amazing. As a young child the fog would hit me so bad I once made a pair of "panties" out of a plastic shopping bag! My point is, this was well before I had any idea of what interested me in women.

Sorry for the rambling but I'm really struggling recently to understand myself and this added another facet.

Emi

[jacques]

hello Emi,
I have spent decades wondering "why" - where did it come from: why is it so important to me; ...
I probably spend more time wondering and actually dressing?
I have researched it and even had a website about it at one time.
My wife says "its only clothes... just enjoy it!"
Fine advice which I wish I could follow!
stay healthy!
lun J

[MarinaTwelve200]

Yes, the WHY is very hard to figure out. It ALWAYS "bothered" me. It took a lot of study and self observation over many years and even application of the Scientific Method. The first problem for most of us is the FEAR we may be Homosexual or Trans once we study THOSE, clear up the confusion, and get our information straight (no pun intended) and are able to DEFINE those terms we have to ask ourself Are we? and can I live with the truth?. For some it might end there, as being Gay or trans, but if we do not conform to Gay or Trans, we still have to deal with CD---which is further confusing because there are so many different reasons a straight person might WANT to CD--even several at the same time. For example, I am an "Escapist" I find CDing takes me "Away from mysefl" I become "Not ME" and am able to "unload all my worries and obligations, taking off all the stress---and totally relax. There is also an erotic element and the pleasure of "feeling pretty" as more "minor benefits". For others they might "get off on the erotic excitement alone, either of the "Woman" thing" or simply the sensual "FEEL" of the fabrics, while others may be into "Humiliation S/M", etc. so once we decide we ARE CDs THEN we will look for what KIND of CD we are. But as i stated before, we first have to decide WHAT we are and know that there are many "subsets" and divisions of CD CDing is never straight-forward as far as motivations go. Hopefully, we can eventually find exactly our niche as to what motivates us.---and what to do about it if anything.

[KymG]

"possibly we are emulating what we subconsciously desire in a woman"

I think so in my case. I sometimes feel as if ive become my own Girlfriend if that makes sense.

I totally know where you are coming from. I go classy myself, or i think i do. ( you wouldnt think so from my profile picture but i do try)
I find there is two main aspects, one is i reach a level of peace that i never get any other time, and two that it eventually turns me on when you look in the mirror and it feels great.

At the end of the day, you are not hurting anybody and you are not breaking the law. I go through these doubts all the time but recently have felt it more. Chin up Girl.

[JulieC]

I've long since given up asking "why" of myself. I tried hard to answer that for a long time when I was younger. There never was a satisfactory answer. I think it's just as hard to answer "why am I a guy?". Crossdressing (for most of us) is just who we are. It is. Let that sink in; ... it is ...

I am who I am, and that includes crossdressing.

[Rachael Fernandez]

Thank you Kym (I find there is two main aspects, one is i reach a level of peace that i never get any other time, and two that it eventually turns me on when you look in the mirror and it feels great)....and Marina (I am an "Escapist" I find CDing takes me "Away from mysefl" I become "Not ME" and am able to "unload all my worries and obligations, taking off all the stress---and totally relax. There is also an erotic element and the pleasure of "feeling pretty" as more "minor benefits". For others they might "get off on the erotic excitement alone, either of the "Woman" thing" or simply the sensual "FEEL" of the fabrics)

You have both been reading my mail. I don't think I could have said it any better. I get so excited when I decide to dress; sadly not as often as I would like to atm. The thrill of pulling on stockings and sexy lingerie, and topped off with a nice dress, makeup and wig is the most exciting time and relaxed I ever feel. To be the person I want to be (Rachael) for as long as I can is a wonderful time of my day/week/life. If only I could rid myself of the fear of someone dropping in unexpectedly, I could really relax and enjoy being the me I want to be.

[Larissa Cassandra]

I agree with everyone who has posted so far! I try to emulate what I subconsciously desire in a woman (this from being conditioned as a child and teen from the 1960s TV shows, movies, magazines, ads, etc.) AND the erotic feelings of slipping into silky, lacy lingerie and soft, smooth-fabric dress or skirt and top, gently applying makeup to my face to complete the transition, seeing myself in the mirror as my own girlfriend (never quite thought of it that way, so thanks Kym). AND, it is extremely relaxing. I haven't figured out my "why," but it has to be something I was born with, since from very early childhood, I have many memories of being envious of girls and women for being free to explore and express their femininity with clothes, hairstyles, and makeup. And as many on the forum have experienced, that feeling of envy has only grown stronger.

[Emi]

I want to thank all of those who have replied, it is very comforting to know I'm not alone. I know I'm not, but it'snice to hear. I will reflect on more tomorrow as it is late now.

Emi

[Heather76]

I am so glad I am not as introspective as many folks are. I've never really concerned myself with why I like to CD. My biggest concern was always how will my wife react. I've only been CDing for 25 months now. I started with just panties and now I go full femme at times. The most my wife has seen me is fully dressed less makeup, wig, and shoes. At this moment we are in the family room with me wearing panties, thigh highs, bra, forms and a knee length yellow dress. Why do I desire to sit around the house like this? I actually don't care. I just know I feel comfortable, relaxed, and whole.

[kimdl93]

Its probably wise to separate perceptions what motivates a cross dresser or transgender person (to the extent these are different) from the perceptions of a partner.

Of course, we cannot know what combination of factors lead a person towards certain behaviors. We do know enough to hypothesize that many of us are indeed born this way?and for those among us, some elements of our brains dictate our gender identity. Its true for me and has been for as long as I can remember.

Our partners will view our behavior throught the perspective of their own self image and experience. It saddens me that often women will see what we do as an internet criticism or substitute for them. Its neither. Its just us being who we are.

I do borrow ideas on clothes and makeup from women that I think look good and have comparable colorling, and to some extent comparable physical stature. I also rely heavily on the advice of my GG friends on what looks good and works for me. I am borrowing ideas and styles, not trying to create a replica of someone else.

[docrobbysherry]

I can really relate to what Kym said. Even tho I'm ancient, dressing still turns me on quite often!:o

As to, "Why"? I wanted to know the answer to that question ever since I arrived here 15+ years ago.:straightface:

I have finally learned the proper reply, "Why NOT!?":tongueout

[Krea]

I made a huge step forward when i finally accepted that it doesn't matter "why" and instead started thinking "what am i gonna do about it?".

[Kris Burton]

For me the benefits of crossdressing far outweigh the need for me to understand why. I've been in and out of therapy my entire adult life.Since I stopped trying to understand my every motivation, denying to myself the inclination I have felt my entire life and began to actively crossdress (only about a year ago), I have not felt better. Kym and Larissa perfectly describe my feelings and sensations - I want to feel sexy, desirable, even if just in my imagination - and it seems to fill a void, an emptiness in my psyche that was unaddressed up to this time. None of that therapy helped me as much as crossdressing does, and I choose not to over analyze that. I am fortunate to feel no shame or guilt, just concern for my wife's impression and reaction. Since she is accepting and even participatory a bit, I can face the future minimizing regret from the past. Not bad for 70 I'd say!

[CynthiaD]

Why do I like music? Why do I like mashed potatoes? Knowing what you like is easy. Knowing why you like it is very hard, or impossible.

[alwayshave]

Emi, a long time ago I stopped wondering why. I just accepted that I do. I believe it makes me a better person.

[MarinaTwelve200]

AS I have a "Scientific mind" it drives me NUTS to not know how something works or why things happen---SOME of us are like that. it took years for me to figure out myself and the why. Kudos for those who can let it be and simply enjoy.

[Emi]

I too envy those who can just let it be. Heck, my wife is that way. She knows I paint my toes because I like to. Often times I go about 3 weeks then have to change colors, she'll leave hers until absolutely necessary to redo it.
I don't think that her finding out that I dress to varying degrees would move the needle much after the initial shock. Oddly enough I think she knows I have an affinity for women's clothing but she would never care to ponder "why". Several months ago she bought a new bra and it became an instant favorite. Several weeks ago it went missing. We were in the closet the other day and she brought it up again and asked me if i had it! I didn't, and honestly I haven't tried anything of hers on in years. Two reasons, I am larger than my wife, and it just felt weird anymore. I don't want to be her, i want to be me.

No real point to this post, just perspective. I'll add more later.

Thanks for listening ladies!

Emi

[Cheryl T]

Personally I can say that I don't emulate what I desire in a woman. What I do and what I wear is strictly for me. It is not for my pleasure. It is for others to be able to see what I feel. I don't know if that's clear of not.
The way I dress and present myself allows others to see the woman that I feel I am. Sometimes fancy and sometimes plain. Sometimes sexy and sometimes far from it. I've always just wanted to be me so it's not to emulate anyone.
Confusing, I know.

[GretchenM]

Emi, you have asked some really difficult questions for which there really aren't any firm answers. It is true that for most, dressing brings peace, comfort, and calmness. But others run counter to that reaction. Some sense a fog around themselves that makes everything a bit indefinite. Some get very excited. The answers undoubtedly are found in the depths and complexities of our brains which is what controls almost everything we do. And there are some portions of the brain that we are not sure exactly what they do. With 100 billion neurons it is hard to figure out how they all work together. Marina has a good concept of how mysterious this all is and the fact is all human behavior, no matter what it is, is mysterious. But I envy Cheryl's ability to just live it. She says, "I've always just wanted to be me so it's not to emulate anyone." Now that is just plain beautiful.

The thing is you don't need to know all the engineering that went into building your car to drive it. You just drive it. And that is not a bad approach to crossdressing and/or dealing with gender issues. Just do it because that is the way it works. In the most modern gender theories our behaviors are produced by a huge network of neurons and their complex wiring is plagued by the fact that if you figure out one wiring diagram and come back later it will have changed all on its own and its functions may have even changed. Brain plasticity drives neuroscientists crazy, but without it we could never learn anything at all. The worst part is small rewiring changes can occur in a matter of minutes and result in a very different behavior or at least a variation on what it was doing 5 minutes ago. And 15 minutes later it has changed again. WTF!!

That said, it is generally accepted that we are this way because not everything always goes according to the textbook in the womb and we are there for quite awhile. Plus we have these genes that are unique to each and every person and nobody understands how some parts of our genome functions or what those genes do. Some genes apparently never do anything, but we can't be sure they are always turned off. It is an assumption because they have methyl units attached to the key parts where instructions exist and, in particular, the on/off switch is frozen with a simple 3 carbon molecule. However, we are getting close to understanding a lot more about what gender is and how it is produced and how it interacts with the rest of our functions. It can be frustrating to ponder the whys. But it can be fascinating as well.

So why do we do this and other people don't? Because we are somehow configured differently. But everybody is configured differently. Some are more different than others?! Now that is a loaded statement I refuse to even touch. We live on a great Rainbow and travel around in the multitude of colors and do what we do because that is the way we are wired. Our rainbow has lots of colors and is configured for us. Ants have their own Rainbow and it is configured for them. We wonder about our Rainbow; ants just live in theirs - maybe. Presumably they are incapable of even knowing they exist. I'm not so sure and I have advanced degrees in biology. It is our nature to wonder and ask questions and seek answers the best we can. But most of the time we just live - like ants or bees or petunias. It's magic.

[Emi]

When I don't understand something I immediately set out to learn as much as I can about it. This subject is so frustrating for me. As of now (45) I still end up in and out of the fog to varying degrees at seemingly the drop of a hat.
I'm not sure why, maybe it's age and the fear of waking up on deaths door wishing I would have indulged in my female side more when it was easier but I recently began putting more effort into dressing. Just last week I was out of town and took the opportunity to hit up a few thrift and department stores. Let me tell you, I was having a hell of a time to keep my hands from shaking paying for that very first pair of heels! But, as I sit here typing this I'm now wearing what has to be the most glorious pair of panties I have ever worn, I don't even know they're there! Of course, that's all I'm wearing but the ankle length casual dress I picked off the rack at another thrift store fits perfectly and will probably be donned for at least a short time after work just to feel the wind blow it around my legs...

Point is, I know the fog will end. And it will be bittersweet. It makes me feel good but accommodating Emi is exhausting at times! I just hope I can resist purging again.

Sorry for the digression in my ramblings but it feels good to share!

Emi

[Debbie Denier]

Hi Emi, To this day I don?t know why or fully understand it. You can get to the point of paralysis by analysis.I would just enjoy the ride for as long as you can.

[Fiona_44]

I have indulged in cross dressing with lingerie my entire life. Only within the past year did it grow into wanting to dress fully as a woman and to go out in public as a woman. I gave up trying to figure out "why" and at this point in my life don't really care. I have accepted the "new" me and feel wonderful when I get to present as a woman. At this point about 2/3'rds of my time in public is spent as Fiona and I am so glad things turned out this way.

[sometimes_miss]

Why?
Ask ten crossdressers and you'll get ten different answers.
My current thoughts tend to some type of underlying gender identity dysphoria, and crossdressing/behaving like we believe a woman behaves/thinking like we believe women think, helps to alleviate the cognitive dissonance which results from our subconscious which believes us to be female, yet having to put up with the body which is male.
Supplying our subconscious with feminine attire/behaviors, helps alleviate the psychological discomfort we have.
The clothes, the accessories, the hair, the shoes, the make up, nail polish, reading 'women's magazines, watching 'women's' TV shows, altering our body mechanics such as how we walk, changing our voices to emulate the female, all helps to 'feed' the mind which is desperately trying to match up reality with what it thinks is real. So making ourselves as feminine as possible, feels good.
The biggest problem causing all this, is the shame forced on us when we are children, as most of us were likely instructed when very young, that the worst possible thing that a little boy can be, is anything like a girl. Sissy, and other derogatory terms, are used as insults, as are female pronouns and names, by other men, coaches, military officers, even female teachers and relatives (which also begs the question, why do women use this as an insult, when they are insinuating that female is less valuable to society than male?).
The resulting repression of any female feelings, winds up preventing many of us from even investigating whether we truly are having genuine feminine thoughts and feelings, to the point where they feel the need to invent a completely female personality to attribute those female traits to, because they cannot tolerate the idea that they might not be the 'all male, all the time' man that they feel they have to be. We see this in those who feel the need to refer to themselves in third person, using a female name, in order to complete the disconnect between what they are feeling, and what they feel appropriate for their 'all male, all the time', self. Other behaviors include references to 'my feminine side', as if it's not really them, it's just something that they do sometimes. They don't understand that it's ALL THEM, and perhaps cannot tolerate that idea.
And then, of course, you have those who insist that it's only that female clothing is 'more comfortable' than men's clothing. Yet, if you ask women, they will tell you that it's MEN'S clothing which is more comfortable. So, why do so many of us think that women's clothing is more comfortable? Because it's 'psychologically' more comfortable; we feel more relaxed when dressed as women because that's what our inner self thinks of as normal.
So much more. It's taken a lifetime to learn all this stuff, and I'm sure there will be more discoveries coming.

[Emi]

sometimes_miss,

I totally agree with your assessment. This is part of what frightens me..

[Natalie56]

So, has Natalie become my new girlfriend? One I get to dress and undress? Put the makeup on and remove it at night? Im dubious, I dont have an answer. Im a technichian, And tend to over analyse/think things. Im not doing this with Natalie. I find her a comfort, I dont really even dress sexy(Not much anyway). she comforts me, makes me feel happy and free. But I DO know its me. I want to feel pretty and worth being called pretty sometimes. If I forced myself to analyse it, it would spoil it. I dont want to spoil it.