cross country drive - reactions to my pony tail

[Larissa Cassandra]

I just got back from a cross-country drive. I traveled totally drab, well except for my pony tail (below my shoulders). In the east, no problem, even though I was in a minority of men with hair this long. As I drove into the midwest, I noticed that I was the ONLY "older" male with anything but a military-style haircut or shaved head (except for a few young guys). In South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho (yeah, I was driving west on I-90) it was the worst. I tried to go about my business (just ordering food in restaurants, buying snacks at a truck stop, or using the restrooms) nonchalantly, but got nasty looks from all kinds of people - grungy old men, older women, and some middle-aged people. Even young children looked at me and seemed confused, perhaps thinking "he looks like a man, but he has a pony tail, so is he really a girl?" Now, the only exception to men with long hair (usually with pony tails) were biker types - and this is key - who also have significant facial hair. Aha, all I had to do to avoid the scrutiny of the puritans across the middle of our lovely country was to grow a beard and wear a leather vest! In fact, I stayed overnight in Sturgis, SD on the last day of the annual biker's festival, so there were plenty of them around! When I got home to the west coast, I finally felt comfortable wherever I went.

So imagine if I had traveled with the slightest femme article of clothing, or painted nails, or a hint of perfume! I've been reading posts on this forum for a long time, and I guess even in the most non-supportive communities there are places CDs can go to express themselves en femme, but in a general public setting, unless you can completely pass, feeling "uncomfortable" would be an understatement. I'm interested in hearing from those of you living in midwest and interior western states to find out what your experiences have been when going out in public, knowing you don't pass, and the reactions from people in your communities.

[Valerie Louise]

I live near Milwaukee. I recently went to a Kohls en femme in a rural part of WI between Madison and MKE. I stopped at a rest stop, and a man opened the door for me. No looks at the Kohls. All good.
Sorry you had a bad experience.
I can offer a theory.
If you are en femme, even not passing, you are still openly acknowledging that for the moment, you are committed to the femme team.
But if you only have long hair, it is a different look and will draw attention.
Again, sorry this didn?t go well for you.

[Tracy Irving]

Sorry to read about your being shunned because of the length of your hair. I have quite a few male friends with long hair, much longer than yours, and they are all accepted by society. Then again I live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and we have a reputation for motorcycles in this town. Maybe it is different out west?

It can be difficult to figure out why some people care what the length of some strangers hair is.

[Valerie Louise]

I can also add that I wear earrings all the time (pierced) and no problems. Some are pushing the limits to femme only.

[Ann Simpson]

I haven't cut my hair since 2019. I'm wanting to grow it long.

[Fiona_44]

My ponytail reaches down between my shoulder blades and I have no facial hair but have never had a problem. Granted I live in the Northeast not the Midwest but guys all over the country have ponytails so I can't see what the problem was. Odd.

[Jamie001]

I think the really problem is that you were acting paranoid without even knowing it. If you act like you are doing something wrong and give off that vibe, people will notice. The key is confidence.

Long hair has not been an issue anywhere for the past 30 years.

[Angela Marie]

I go out dressed all the time. I live in NY, no not the city lol. Like the west people I the Northeast are a bit more open minded.

[RoxieChristine]

Well you did drive thru Yankee land ;)
I can say that in the rural parts of the south you probably wouldn't have gotten a second look. Long hair for men has been a thing since the 70s here (think CDB Long Haired Country Boy, but then Uneasy Rider does contradict that :) ). I live in a rural TX town now and while I don't go out dressed here, I will drive over 20 miles to another small town and go out en femme there and haven't really gotten second looks.
Roxie

[Geena75]

Sorry to hear you had a negative experience. I think they were on to something when they said it was the mix of femme and masculine. I don't think I pass in any way, but even when I went shopping, I don't recall getting the "stink eye" from people. Then again, there is the point that "if you look for something you will most likely find it." I was enjoying being out and not paying that close attention to people's reaction.

[Stephanie47]

The reactions you received do not seem unusual. There are a lot of people who are closed minded. I think it is especially evident where you are viewed as an outsider. I think there is more tolerance in areas that are more liberal in thinking.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I'm with Jamie above. Long hair is nothing. I've had long hair for the majority of my life, my face has been clean shaven about 99% of that time. I wear it in a ponytail most of the time to keep it out of my mouth and eyes, but it's great to let it go free. And no one, literally no one, cares. This is in the midwest, the Bible Belt from Texas to Paris Island, and Florida/Georgia. Oh, and I have 2 earrings in each ear. Not little studs, but tribal things. Seriously, no one bats an eye anywhere. I've had many more comments about my shaved legs, as in 3 comments, ever, from friends, which all turned into nothing.

Granted, I walk around projecting the attitude of "I can and will defend myself if you decide to be a dick." If someone looks at me like a target I look that person up and down and size him/her/them up, which they see. I think that's probably a part of it, although that doesn't happen that often (actually pretty rare).

[TerriLynnCD]

If I didn't have such a large bald spot, I'd have probably kept growing out my hair. I went over a year during the pandemic without a haircut, but it looked so mangy esp with the large gap at the top that I finally cut it short again.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Thanks for all your replies. I think Jamie might be onto something. I probably was paranoid, and it probably showed. For a long time, whenever I've seen a man in drab, but with long hair but no facial hair, I've suspected that he must be a CDer. Why else would a man present like that? I do, and I'm a CDer, so it must be true for every man I see who presents that way. NOT! Of course I realize that's not the case, but since I've interpreted that look to crossdressers, I figured other people might correctly out me as a crossdresser and that's where the dirty looks came from.

However, I don't think that "Long hair has not been an issue anywhere for the past 30 years." Maybe where you are, but many (most?) older men (over 50?) I've known (and even many rock stars from the 60s and 70s) who had long hair in their youth have either shaved their heads or have short haircuts. Maybe because of baldness. So maybe some of the looks I've gotten are because of jealousy?

AverageGuy - I found myself also "projecting the attitude of 'I can and will defend myself if you decide to be a dick.'" by walking in an exaggerated masculine way.

Bottom line - I just need to walk around like I don't care, and hopefully if anyone else does, it's their problem. But if they want to challenge me, I will either just ignore, walk away, or if attacked defend myself.

[Bea_]

I wore long hair after high school, mid-70's. I became increasingly more clean cut over the years right up until about fifty years old. I'd been through a major crisis in my life and letting my hair grow became a line in the sand for me. I did not crossdress back then and it was more of a defiant stance and something that I felt the need to control. So, I've had a pony tale since about 2005.

When I was in the early stages before my hair was long enough to pull back, I went through a pretty raggedy stage. I was told that it wasn't a good look for me, and that made me more determined. But, once I got to a good pony tail length, I've never really had anyone mention or react negatively to it. I've been through several states and never seemed to get anything negative from anyone I encountered. I'm really surprised that your experience was different.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Well, like I said above, I might have been projecting a paranoid image, which maybe made some people look. Anyway, the raggedy stage was really tough for me. Not so much from my wife or other family, but I just didn't like the way it looked. Women who grow their hair out have the luxury of using pins and hairspray to keep it under control (and some young guys do that too, but I was 64 when I started letting it grow!), but all I could do was wear a baseball-style hat as much as possible, and use some greasy men's products to hold it down. I eventually started using hairspray. I had thought the scent would be obvious and I'd get unwanted attention (stares, anyway) from my fellow crowded-bus riders, but I stopped caring after a few months. I'm so happy that's behind me, and I wear it in a pony tail most of the time, but occasionally I'll leave it down and flowing. Feels so good in the summer breeze!

[April Rose]

I remember about a half dozen years ago, when I still had beyond shoulder length hair, my brother and I took a trip to Washington D.C. to do the touristy stuff. I was quite used to having very long hair by that time, and in my area very long hair on a man, while not the norm, was not all that uncommon.

We stayed in Alexandria, near Old Town. It wasn't until I'd been there, about a day, that I started to realize that something was different. Everyone seemed to be acting like they knew me. Was it really that friendly a town? Maybe it was . But then I took a good look around and realized that There was not a male to be found without a government regulation looking hair cut.

It dawned on me: Oh my gawd! I'm a freakin' celebrity! It remained that way for the rest of my trip, and I've never experienced anything like it before or since.

UNTIL: I got my ears pierced. For about a year now I've been sporting nickel sized gold hoops. I swear, people are friendlier. At the very least, I'm not so forgettable any more.

I'm learning to stop assuming people will be negative about personal expression.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Wow, April, you're a living example of how a different attitude can make all the difference. Rather than be paranoid that everyone was looking at you with mean intentions, you enjoyed the attention as a celebrity! And then the earrings seemed to make your situation even better. I need to learn to relax more in public, and have some fun with my (admittedly very minor at this point) feminine presentation.

But, I have to ask - are you in a younger age group, say under 40? If so, your generation is much more accepting of non-traditional personal expression. However, if even the older folks you encounter are seeming more friendly, then your age probably doesn't make any difference.

Thanks for your very encouraging post!

[Pumped]

Thanks for all your replies. I think Jamie might be onto something. I probably was paranoid, and it probably showed. For a long time, whenever I've seen a man in drab, but with long hair but no facial hair, I've suspected that he must be a CDer. Why else would a man present like that? I do, and I'm a CDer, so it must be true for every man I see who presents that way. NOT! Of course I realize that's not the case, but since I've interpreted that look to crossdressers, I figured other people might correctly out me as a crossdresser and that's where the dirty looks came from.

However, I don't think that "Long hair has not been an issue anywhere for the past 30 years." Maybe where you are, but many (most?) older men (over 50?) I've known (and even many rock stars from the 60s and 70s) who had long hair in their youth have either shaved their heads or have short haircuts. Maybe because of baldness. So maybe some of the looks I've gotten are because of jealousy?.

I also find it odd that people would have an issue with an older guy and a pony tail. At most you might be an oddity as most older guys don't have enough hair to make a pony tail!

I agree with the thought that you were paranoid, or reading people wrong.

I know a guy, about 50 years old that has a military buzz cut, except for a 1/2" diameter patch on the back of his head. Out of that patch grows a foot long, maybe 1/4" diameter braid! Now to me it looks silly, but for some reason he wants to wear his hair like that, so who am I to complain?

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I feel I should clarify. I'm 55, I've had long hair (as in I just don't cut it. At all. Ever.) for most of my life. I stopped doing highlights about 5 or 6 years ago just because it was a pain to try to keep it up, so now my hair is natural brown (and grey. Age has given me highlights again.) I have 4 earrings that are always visible, even on the rare occasions that I'm not wearing a ponytail. (Sometimes my wife will french braid my hair into two pigtails, think Willie Nelson, and once again no one cares, although I've had a couple people ask me if I'm Indian)
I work in construction, a very male-dominated field, and I've discovered that the grey in my hair makes me more credible. Which sucks, because I'd love to do some purple streaks.
But people just don't care about my long hair or my earrings. They also don't notice, or don't care, that my legs, arms, chest, and pits are clean of hair.

Men, you can have long hair in or out of a ponytail, you can have earrings, without anyone wondering if you're a crossdresser. They'll just think you're an aging hippy.

[JulieC]

I'm feeling like a Bob Seger song's coming into the mix here; "All the same ol' cliches, is that a woman or a man..."

I'm from the East Coast (NYC region), but live in the eastern midwest. It really depends on where you go. I haven't done very much out and about in public at all. But, there are towns here where there's no way in hell that I would. Still, there's a small town in my state with a population of less than 2,000 that has a gay pride festival every year. You never know...and there in lies the problem.

My own community is quite supportive, but I've rarely done anything in public here because I don't want to risk my job, as my family depends on me. There's a major LGBTQ+ festival here every year, and there's never been much of an issue that I'm aware of.

[April Rose]

Larissa, I am in the younger age group. I'm only 72!:battingeyelashes:

[char GG]

I've work with attorneys, stage riggers, businessmen, musicians, people from all walks of life really, who have had ponytails. Most people in the Midwest do not care about hair length.

I am wondering if the OP was more worried about their ponytail than anyone else. Men with long hair have been pretty common since the 60's. You may be your own biggest critic if you worry about it.

Personally, I would not think "crossdresser" unless they were wearing a bow in their ponytail.

[Dutchess]

Backing Char as another GG.. I've loved long haired men since I was little in the 60s .
I starting having BF's in 1975 at 13 in Texas . Ill be 60 next month and Its mandatory for me to have a guy with long hair..usually waist length but no shorter than shoulder..only the last 2 were dressers. I've lived from Texas west to Wa and Cal .Musicians and artists for me but they've been all kinds of people..

[Larissa Cassandra]

Larissa, I am in the younger age group. I'm only 72!:battingeyelashes:

Ha! I'm just a young lass of 69!

Well I guess I've been put in my place (thanks especially to Char and Dutchess for the GG perspective). So I just have to relax and stop caring so much about what other people think.



Personally, I would not think "crossdresser" unless they were wearing a bow in their ponytail.

I've actually seen a couple of guys with those, or at least a colorful or flowery scrunchie rather than the plain brown band I use. Not ready to go that far....yet.

[Di]

Another GG to chime in .
I was thinking for the past few days ….why in the world would you get that in your head?
I know a veterinarian, a doctor, an attorney, my hubby, all his band mates, my grandsons neighbors and on and on with longhair. It made me upset for you that even entered your mind.
Nowadays even more so, 20, 30 year olds do not seem so rigidin their mindset as dress, hair, nails ect so there is hope for the future .
About the in between length…..yup isn’t that the worst ever lol!
About product in your hair …no one will care and if you still worry over it google mens product for long hair and a ton came up.
Glad you see the light……relax enjoy life get you one of those colorful scrunchies !

[Larissa Cassandra]

Thanks, Di, for your encouragement! While I still think some of the "looks" I got were really nasty, I do realize that most probably weren't. Maybe some were even admiring! Anyway, I actually do have a few colorful scrunchie, just haven't worn them outside - yet!!

[Debbie Denier]

I dont see the problem of a ponytail. I used to cycle to work 40 years ago with a ponytail. Clean shaven , never had a problem. Wish I could do it now but have lost most hair. A lot greyer and bald . Would look like a poor mans Mick Fleetwood or Willie Nelson at best if tried it today.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Maybe it's just with all the attention given to the trans issue in the media lately, especially regarding minor children, some people associate any even partially-feminine looking male with the activists for that cause and have a negative reaction??? Even 5-10 years ago this wouldn't have been on anybody's radar. But if anyone ever does confront or question me about my appearance, I'll simply say that I'm just presenting as myself and that has nothing to do with how I feel about any controversial issue.

BTW, I have a 66 year old cousin who just retired and has a Willy Nelson pony going. I kind of like it, and would (will?) probably do it if (when?) I start to lose my hair. My hairline has already receded a bit, so it's just a matter of time!