Having a Secret Life

[NancyJ]

Like probably most of us, my crossdressing is secret. I wear panties 24/7/365, and only my wife knows that. I share with all of you sometimes and sometimes on a transgender forum, but none of you would recognize me if I passed you on the street. If I dropped dead tomorrow, you would not know. I do exchange emails with another CD who lives in another part of the country, but we have never met and we do not know each other’s real names.

Sometimes I long for a friendship with an actual person or people who I could be with as a regular person, but who knew, understood, and shared my secret. I am not talking about going to a CD support group. I do not want to do that, and doing so would cause problems in my marriage. I am talking about just being friends with another person who understands what it is like to be male, but feel feminine, to have lunch with another guy and know that we are both wearing panties and it is no big deal. Basically, to just have a real life friend with whom I did not have to maintain the secret, a friend that I could share Nancy feelings and thoughts with even if we never dressed up together.

Sometimes keeping the secret is exhausting. Nancy

[alwayshave]

Nancy, I know how you feel. I do go out dressed and have a met a number of other ladies. But, I have never had a close friendship with another crossdresser. Would be nice.

[GretchenM]

Nancy, I am in a similar situation. However, it is not a secret, but I cannot present myself as Gretchen in the presence of my wife. She doesn't want to see it because you can't unsee it. I understand that but it is still difficult to not be able to present that. So, I can only present as Gretchen when she is gone. She understands as much as I do about why it is this way, but that still doesn't create a desire to meet the other part of who I am in totality. It is workable and I understand her feelings. I don't want to create major problems in our marriage that is now 53 years old. That is more valuable to me than the ability to dress in her presence in the way that I wish to dress sometimes.

It is a common problem and a difficult one for most of us because it means, in some ways, we need to semi-deny ourselves. On the other hand, for me anyway, the mental condition of having a very broad and inclusive gender identity allows me to be Gretchen whenever I feel like it and want to embrace that. The expression of that in dress completes the circle, but is not really necessary for me to switch to that identity when circumstances are appropriate and my wife does appreciates that ability I have and notices it. It is a very different, kinder, gentler behavior than the guy part. More like her. So, I make do with whatever is available.

For some of us, but certainly not all, the desire and "need" to dress the part is simply an extension of the internal, mental state of our total sense of self. Being that person in behavior, I find, is more important than looking that way. However, others experience it differently. Perhaps this is the difference between fundamental transgenderism and crossdressing to produce the feelings. We are all different and we all find ways to do what compels us. For the trans perhaps the feelings drive the desire to dress while in crossdresser the dress drives the creation of the feelings. I am sure it is not that well defined and we all may feel both motivators at different times. Expecting perfection in a binary gender world is probably not reasonable, but that world is changing and I am sure in the future the general understanding of gender and the art of gender expression will be different. Just not now.

[NancyJ]

Thanks Jamie. Yes, it probably would help if I did go out dressed, but again, that would cause a problem, cross a line in my marriage, so I don?t go out dressed.

And like you Gretchen, she does not want to see me (other than in panties and girdle). I do feel feminine and do believe that I take a feminine perspective on many things, and I try to even act feminine when it will not be too obvious. I do most of the household chores in our house (not that I believe housework is for women), but she does tolerate me wearing an apron for this :-). What I am describing, though, is the burden of carrying the secret. Sometimes I just wish I had a real-life friend who was like me. I know that I can be and feel feminine without fully dressing. Nancy

[Paulie Birmingham]

my wife and a few gfs know, but its not like we talk about it.
it is a rather solitary hobby for me.

i tried finding a cd to share things with on local boards and all they where interested was cd to cd sex and i wasn't interested in that. so here i sit all dressed up typing on my keyboard to share.

[Stephanie47]

Good thing I heated up my first cup of coffee before hitting the computer. First thread this morning is heavy stuff. Yes, it is exhausting. How exhausting? I slept last night in a black bra and panty set under a full slip that does not have adjusters. My wife and I sleep apart due to snoring and bad back issues. She does not want to see or participate in my needs at any level. I figure, if for some reason she comes into the bedroom at night and discovers me attired as such, so be it. After fifty plus years of marriage there is just so much sneaking around "the elephant in the room" I can take. So, I arose this morning and traded the black full slip with no adjusters for a Velrose below the knee full slip and also slid into one of my wife's ankle length summer dresses she no longer wears. Here I sit banging away on this keyboard. I am wearing my male fluffy bathrobe over my femme attire. It's like this every morning as we are both retired and she is a late riser. That's the extent of my cross dressing these days.

If she all of a sudden walks into the computer room she will not see anything. I have to suppress this part of myself. Frankly, at this stage of the marital game I would not dress in front of her. This has been a shared secret for so long nothing can be done to undo decades of rejection. I guess I am fortunate in the sense that she does not scream and yell and make demands and search for my wardrobe which is stored in plain sight.

When we had "The Talk" in the early 1980's she said it was alright with her if I joined a support group. I looked, but, none to be found. I no longer have the need to be a "joiner" as I have accepted myself. I know there are many out there like me, but, to meet another probably would not do anything for me at this stage of life. Sometimes the discussions on this forum take the place of paying for a shrink.

I don't know what my wife thinks about all of this. I asked her if she ever talked about it with another woman. She may have; a female cousin. If she did, I did not sense any negativity or acceptance. Now, a shared secret with not one or two, but three? There are other things my wife knows about my past that have really impacted me, but, those secrets are alright as those secrets reflect acceptable manliness.

[Gillian Gigs]

I totally understand where you are coming from. Like you I just wanted a friend who knows what it is like to be a CD'er and knows the problems that it can cause in this life. In my case I found someone who lives on another continent, on the opposite side of the equator. I believe we are 18 hours apart when it comes to messaging each other. But, We are friends who message each other and discuss many subjects, and it is so nice! Thank you to Crossdressers.com for our finding each other. We will probably never meet, but our friendship is worth a great deal, because we can be honest, straight forward, and care about each other. I'm certain that there is someone who you can befriend on this site, just keep looking.

Message me if you like.

[NancySue]

Nancy, ditto on your post. Same boat. My wife is totally supportive. Living in a smaller town restrictions my/our going out. While it would be nice to have a friend, in today?s world I?m not too sure one could be trusted, so I just accept it and am thankful for what I have and enjoy. Being retired, I dress daily, some days more, some days less, but always panties and bra.

[Cheryl T]

You are so right about keeping the secret being exhausting.
That's why I finally came out to my wife fully about 20 years ago. I just couldn't take all the hiding and worrying about being discovered. Seems my worries were unfounded as she took the time to listen and learn and showed that she was fully accepting.

[kimdl93]

I guess I am lucky. I go out regularly. Most of my local social contacts are made in female mode. As such, I have a number of acquaintances, friends, and a few family members that are aware of my gender identity. I remember when it was just my secret, and honestly, it feels much better to be more out in the open.

That being said, I do feel some stress because I live a dual existence. It bothers me that I am deliberately deceiving some people in my life. There is yet another layer. I know that some of my family and friends are aware that something is going on related to cross dressing and/or gender identity, but they have not addressed the subject with me and I have not opened up to them. Its as though we are politely avoiding the subject.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm so sorry for all u restricted, married, girls, Nancy.:)

I'm a closet dresser, too. But, that doesn't stop me from attending clubs, bars, and T girl events away from where I live.:battingeyelashes:

In fact, my entire social life is all about my T friends who I see more often than Robert's friends that know nothing about Sherry!:eek:

I can't tell u how much fun and a relief that is!:hugs:

[Debbie Denier]

I know exactly where you are coming from Nancy. The only people that knew were my wife who never accepted. The other was my mother. I confessed to her after being so upset after being rumbled by my wife . My mother was my greatest supporter until she passed away. A few online friends that have never met. My lifelong best friend confessed that he wore his mothers stockings when he was.a child. I told him I did the same. Was on the verge of coming out to him until he made some negative comments about drag queens . Realised he did not feel the same way as me. It is a very lonely existence being a CD.You are more than welcome to DM me regarding this . It is a shame we don?t live in the same country. Good luck and I hope you find true happiness in life.

[Heisthebride]

That was my lifestyle for a very long time, I did manage to appear en femme or partially en femme for a couple of Halloweens. Things changed for me when I met my wife. While we were dating I knew I had to tell about my secret lifestyle which she said we would have to figure it out as we went along. She saw it was a harmless diversion and was fine with it. She bought me a series of burlesque dance lessons and there I was dancing and wearing heels, boas and bras with the rest of the class. This became my second set of friends, all of them know I like to dress. I performed with them, we would go out to dinner or bars even weekends in Las Vegas together. They are accepting of both my feminine and masculine sides.

To this day I still have friends who don't know but I am much more comfortable presenting as female in public, even on my own. There is always a chance I will run into someone who recognizes me. Ultimately, you should be able to make a pretty good guess as to who might or might not have a problem with you dressing. For me, I don't think I would lose any friends I just don't feel the need to burden them with my thing. So they may never find out, but never say never. I've thought about putting together a picture board for my funeral (hopefully a long way off) and spilling the beans that way, then both sets of friends can come together and talk about it and share stories as they look at the pictures.

[DianeT]

Nancy, I hope you can find a friend like this. I don't know if you're willing to share your area, otherwise maybe the current site could help, put you in touch with one of the members.

[Fiona_44]

Nancy,

I understand exactly how you feel even though my situation is different from yours. I go out dressed most days of the week with some family (in-laws), a few acquaintances and one neighbor knowing about Fiona. I have talked to them in depth about Fiona & cross dressing and while they all have been very accepting it is not the same as being close friends with another CD. I have not yet been able to meet another CD in person but keep trying. There is a lady over on CDH who is willing but her personal circumstances rule out dressing & meeting for the foreseeable future.

The local LGBTQ group in my county is starting a monthly meet-and-greet for those LGBTQ's over 50 and I plan to attend en femme to see if any other CD's attend. Maybe I can develop a friendship with another CD or trans woman. This group really doesn't have any programs directly aimed at CD's and I am trying to get them to start offering seminars specifically of interest to us ladies. And I plan to attend next year's Keystone Conference where I hope to make some local contacts.

[GracieRose]

My wife is the only one that I know of that is aware of my dressing (unless an attentive neighbor or acquaintance has figured it out). I would like to be able to talk with someone else about it, but my wife would be mortified if anyone else knew.
A few years ago, I attended a 50th reunion for my elementary school. I spent most of the time talking to the girls. I wasn't heavily involved with the guys, since I never really fit in with their interests. I tended to gravitate towards the girls, but the nuns kept the boys and girls separated into different areas on the playground, so I pretty much wandered around alone. One of the ladies that I was talking with at the reunion, recalled that she and I used to play checkers regularly during indoor recess. I don't recall that, but it seems like what I would have done, given the opportunity. Anyway, she told me in passing about a monthly gathering where a few of the girls from our class still got together for lunch. I was almost hoping that she was inviting me to join the monthly girls meeting. Ahh, to be one of the girls. I am sure that I was reading something into it (wishful thinking). And besides, my wife would not be pleased. I have often thought that it would be great to renew those old acquaintances as my authentic self. A girl can dream.....

[Sandi Beech]

It is kind of tough not having someone to talk to as a friend who knows this about us. I am pretty lucky though because I travel a lot and can go out occasionally without worry of being outed. Still, I do wish I had a local friend I could tell about my experiences. That is one reason I came here, because I had no one I could talk to. It probably works out better because I certainly would not be able to discuss dancing with other women while dressed on the phone in front of my wife. So I think the online discussions work better for people like me. I do understand the frustration though. I certainly can not complain because I have had some great times.

Sandi

[Karren H]

I think having a secret life is exciting! Always has been for me!

[Lacey New]

Nancy, I know how you feel. The only people who know I cross dress are my friends here in cyberspace. My wife has no idea and I don?t intend to share it with her. I tried in the past but that ship has sailed. But that?s the blessing of this site. It offers the opportunity to share but we get to do it at arms length and there is little chance that we will get busted or revealed by anyone here.

[Kris Burton]

I think having a secret life is exciting! Always has been for me!

I'm kind of with you on this one Karren, and I would like expand upon it a bit. "I" am sort of a loner, and the only person that knows of my CDing in my world is my wife. I am very fortunate, she knows all, and we share all. Beyond her, no one knows and it is "our" secret. As Sherry once pointed out, I'm in the closet but my wife is in there with me. An apt description perhaps - but hers is the only approval/ interaction in the real world I seek. If my friends and colleagues were to find out I think it would blow their minds - and that adds to the fun and fantasy for me.

Having said that, I thoroughly enjoy speaking with and sharing ideas with all of the folks here, who only know me by my femme name. I find that fun as well. I embrace the "double life", and separate the virtual from the real. I hope one day I will be able to meet many of you in person, but I will be Kris. I guess between my wife and all of you here it meets my need to interact and share. Just my point of view, but it is an easy one to take on in the virtual world, is perhaps a minority view, and does not address at all those that need more in person contact or need to integrate male/female personas.

[Genifer Teal]

Support groups and just groups that went out to parties is mostly where I meet my cd friends. You quickly see who gets out often or is just an occasional dresser. I knew I wanted to explore NY city. I made friends with those who knew where (and how) to have fun. The city was great for many years until it changed and parties moved and became less convenient. Then I came back closer to home and made inroads into the local hetero older singles group. Not really a group just that most of the places you go you end up seeing the same people and we're all friends. It's great to have found so much acceptance so close to home.

[Heather76]

Nancy, I absolutely understand your desire to have an accepting friend you can talk with about crossdressing. The thoughts that pass through our minds about our CDing often times would like to have an additional perspective. While my wife knows I CD, is accepting (not supportive), and sees me every day/night cross dressed to one degree or another, she has said she prefers to not see me with makeup. I interpret that to mean no makeup, wig, nails, and jewelry. However, that's just my interpretation. Yes, I know I should ask her to clarify what she means; but, I also know she doesn't particularly want to talk about my CDing. Since I can't regularly engage her in conversation, it would be great to have another person that knows I CD and would be willing to engage in conversation about it - whether or not they CD. Anyway, if my wife were easily approachable and willing to talk at any time, that would solve the issue for me.

[Debs]

I was feelling lonely years ago, and my wife was ok with me dressing but not going out locally, so with her permission I could go out approx once a month for a night to a seaside resort about 45 mins away, this has an area where its lgbt etc friendly. I found a hotel where everone of similar desires to dress, the bedroom is above the club where they have drag acts and karaoke every night, so all I have to do is walk downstairs, So when I first went and nervously went downstairs everone was sat in there own groups, I was sat on a table on my own with a nod and a smile as people caught my eye looking, was to nervous to approach anyone, but enjoyed being out and safe, cut a long story short, eventually talked to people who became acquaintances, then I became a familiar face to people and went out to various clubs with different groups of us girls, then after about a year made some friends, with whom I can talk to all the time but also visit and go out shopping and clubbing. what Im trying to say is, without going out to a regular place and becoming a familiar face, I would have never found the few friends I can trust and talk too. I still go out once a month to this place where everone knows me now and we have an amazing time, I can walk into several bars on my own and there is always someone in there I know. Also people travel from all over the UK to go to this resort, I have a friend who lives in Bristol about 3 hours away and I am going down there in about 3 weeks to stay for 2 nights with her (with my wifes permmision of course), so out round Bristol for a new experience. I suppose Im lucky that I can stay out overnight, which might not be the case for a lots of you girls. But you are right Nancy making friends isnt easy, but my bold decision to push the boundries paid of in my case. Oh and yes last year when out with Helen Highwater and Lexi from this site, we had a great time, hope Helen arranges another night out soon.

[Jillcder]

I agree Nancy, my desire to wear woman?s clothing is not only just my secret but at times I feel very lonely. I have a few buddies I discuss fishing, hunting and general guy stuff with but it would be great to have a someone to talk about makeup and dresses with while sipping a glass of wine.

[NancyJ]

Thanks for all the comments. Sounds like many feel as I do. Some who do not appear to be those that either go out dressed (I do not) or have wives who accept them dressing at home (mine only accepts my underdressing in her presence). However, I just do not at all relate to the having a secret is exciting perspective. I have never felt this way. To me, the risk of discovery and potential misunderstanding, ridicule, social and career consequences have caused more anxiety than excitement. You can throw in a dose of shame, too, that I still fight to overcome. Having real life friends like me would help a great deal. Thanks to all who reached out! Nancy

[SaraLin]

Sometimes I long for a friendship with an actual person or people who I could be with as a regular person, but who knew, understood, and shared my secret.

Well, I DO have a friend who knows and seems to understand, but he doesn't SHARE my secret. He has no interest himself in dressing, but has no problem with me being myself. We have been out in public before and I was treated as just a "regular person" all the time. I was just a lady friend of him and his wife - not a CD'er or a Trans person. I was simply Sara.

I have to say that these were some of the most precious memories I have from before the enforced back-in-the-closet that I'm now in.
The simple ordinary-ness of these times, the fact that I could just be me, the relief I got from the constant dysphoria - to have all this while being out and about with a friend in everyday life - was wonderful. The fact that this friend is a man was icing on the cake.

NancyJ, I hope you somehow can find such a friend for yourself. They're worth more than their weight in gold.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I shouldn't complain, as my wife knows (most, anyway) and doesn't mind me dressing "comfortably" as I call it. But I also wish I had a friend besides my wife that I could talk to about this side of me. I have some amazing friends, but they wouldn't be cool with this, and definitely not understanding, forget about joining me in the Dark Side.

Even if I brought cookies.

- - - Updated - - -

Another thought, as much as I'd love to have a local friend to share this weirdness with, my politics and religious beliefs (I think) don't align with the majority on here. Please, Mods, don't kill this, I don't want to talk about the details, but it's a fact that such views and beliefs can cause problems, especially now that the country has become so ridiculously polarized. I don't know how to overcome this, I don't know how to filter this, so I just repress it. For the record, I have MANY friends that don't agree with me on many P and R issues, and I've dumped no one. The reverse is unfortunately not true.