I failed a test of confidence

[Annajose]

Hi ladies,
I was in a situation a few days back, it has been sort of bothering me.
I was at a Marshal?s in TX with my wife, while she looks at things, I also look for clothes and try them in the changing room, so I choose a bunch of dresses, went to the changing room (mens) and tried then all, on leaving the changing room, I decided not to keep any and returned all to the lady that was attending the changing rooms.
I went back to the racks, made a few more selections and when going to try them, the lady told me that, since I was trying dresses, I should use the ladies changing room. I was dressed in all female clothes but in an androgynous manner, I doubted, to go or no to go, I probably stayed there, with the dresses hanging from my arm forever, debating and thinking, at the end, I chickened out, told her I did not want any potential problems and preferred to use the men?s changing room.
After much thinking, I now believe this was a fail of my confidence.
Will try again some other time.

[Patience]

Dressing room gender assignments are for the gender of the customer, not the clothing. In any event, the store staff should be willing to accommodate you regardless of the changing room choice.

Too bad about losing your nerve. Next time, maybe.

[Jamie001]

I believe that unfortunately the dressing rooms are for the biological sex of the customer.

[alwayshave]

Annajose, You may be confusing what you felt comfortable with, with confidence.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I'm guessing she had a problem with a man wearing dresses, otherwise what would it matter if you were using the men's dressing room? I know plenty of guys who would flip out over you using the women's area for the same ridiculous reason they don't want you in the women's bathroom.

[NancyJ]

The key to this story is that you were in TX. What we can safely do has much to do with where we are. You did the wise thing. Discretion is the better part of valor. No joy in taking one for the team in such instances. Nancy

[Terrihoney]

If you're trying on dresses, why would you use men's changing rooms? The SA was giving you the nod to use the ladies, which should have been a boost to your confidence.

[Princess Chantal]

Perhaps the sales clerk failed the way she asked. Would it made more of difference if she said something like “You are welcome to use the women’s changing rooms if you prefer that setting?”

[docrobbysherry]

Many of the stores in SoCal have unisex changing rooms. So, no one cares!:heehee:

I don't see how u failed anything, Anna? I quit using changing rooms for anything except men's things decades ago. And, altho I'm out to clubs and bars as Sherry all the time, I don't ever go out to vanilla venues dressed. So, I see u as a T heroine!:love:

[April Rose]

No need to be hard on yourself. You were brave enough to be trying on dresses in the store. That puts you ahead of probably 75% of the people on this site. So something in the immediate situation you were in made you cautious. Plenty of time to reflect on that later.

To add to what Doc said, good design can solve a multitude of problems. I remember when there was pushback about handicap access on city streets; now every city has redesigned curbs and they have proved to be a boon not only to handicapped people, but to bicyclists, people with strollers, shopping carts etc. When public restrooms are designed intelligently, the "bathroom bill" problem goes away.

[Fiona_44]

Next time put a few items of male clothing over the dresses as you go in & out of the changing rooms. And don't hand the stuff to a changing room attendant when done, just put it back on the rack yourself. Worked for me before I started going out en femme all the time.

[Krisi]

In many stores, there are separate men's and women's dressing rooms because they are grouped together, and a woman might be uncomfortable changing in a room adjacent to where a man might be changing.

Regardless, I would use the one the store clerk suggested.

[Aunt Kelly]

You were presenting fem, and trying on fem clothes. The women's changing room is where you deserve to be. :)

[Patience]

Sure, Anna deserved to use the feminine changing room and she might have gotten the ok (or the brush off) from an SA, but that does not mean other people in the store would have been ok with it, and even though it was no one else's business, there are people out there who feel entitled enough to go out of their way and make such things their business, especially if it has anything to do with LGBT issues.

From LGBT Rights in Texas (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Texas), on Wikipedia:


[...]Same-sex sexual activity was decriminalized in the state in 2003[...]

...so being gay was, for all intents and purposes, literally illegal in Texas until the current century (!); and...


[...]Texas has a hate crime statute that strengthens penalties for certain crimes motivated by a victim's sexual orientation, although it is rarely invoked. Gender identity is not included in the hate crime law.[...]

So if being hate crimed is someone's idea of a good time, it gives me no joy to say evidence suggests they'd have the time of their life in Texas. The state seems well on its way to bringing back witch burning and teaching kids the Earth is flat. Too much beetle-browed knuckle-dragging posturing going on. And there are other appalling abuses we needn't get into here.

Fiona has the right idea. Cover the fem clothing with a male garment and use the men's changing room.

Texas natives who feel I am way off the mark are welcome to correct me.

[Stephanie47]

I read the OP as being told it was alright to use the ladies changing area by a sales associate. Of course that does not confer any sort of acceptance by another shopper. "Yikes! There's a man in the women's changing area!" Scream, yell, carry on. Oh, that complainer may be shown the door, but, that does nothing once a lot of noise has been made. Subconsciously, you were probably thinking a woman may make such a scene, while a guy in the men's changing area may just shake his head. Frankly, Texas is on my list of states never to stop in, even changing planes at the airport. For all of you living in the "fly over states" that may not be the case with you or your experience, but, that the perception I have from watching and reading the news. I'm happy I can make it from coast to coast non-stop.

[Heather76]

I went back to the racks, made a few more selections and when going to try them, the lady told me that, since I was trying dresses, I should use the ladies changing room. I was dressed in all female clothes but in an androgynous manner, ...

My honest thought is the SA was either trying to be helpful and wanting you to use the dressing rooms she thought you identified with (based upon your presentation) or said "should" when she actually meant "could." Either way, you are far braver than I am by using the store dressing rooms. Should this happen again, I'm betting you will be prepared to deal with it quickly and gracefully.

[JennyMay]

I think I agree with Heather on this but so much depends on tone of voice and other cues. It sounds to me as though the sales assistant was saying that the store would be OK with you using the ladies changing room. It?s a hot topic at the moment so there may have been some discussion or even direction from above about what the policy would be should the situation arise. Not being there, it?s hard to tell but it sounds like someone trying to be supportive.
Anyway, like others have said, you are far ahead of me in being brave enough to try on clothes in-store.

[Suranne]

Anna, I know exactly how you felt as I have felt the same in the past. Next time you go you'll be better prepared to make your choice of where to go as you have this experience to fall back on. No, I don't see it as a lack of confidence, I see it as a step on your journey to wherever you are going.

[Annajose]

Hi, that was my thinking, the sales associate was OK with it, but I don't know the other shoppers. Tx is my base, I do many of my outings and shopping there, but I was thinking on the changing environment, that is why I prefered to keep using the men's changing room.

[nancy58]

Give yourself a "pass". If the person managing the men's changing room doesn't want to restock dresses, that's all about their convenience. Personally, if I'm presenting as a male, I'm going to use the men's changing room and the men's restroom. If I'm presenting as a woman, I'm going to use the women's changing room and restroom. Much of that is for my own comfort, but it's also for the comfort of other customers. The person responsible for restocking merchandise is paid to do it, and they're going to have to do it whether you're a man or woman.