local crossdresser support

[Sarah Doepner]

For many years we had a local support group that was affiliated with Tri-Ess. That program began to fade as we became more of a diversity group with members who had started to transition or weren't straight. We lost that national connection and support, then Covid eliminated the chance to meet in person. I met a lot of great people and built the courage to extend my comfort zone. Although I'm well into my transition, I've spent ten times longer as a crossdresser than I have as a transgender woman. It's time to revive some support for that community and it seems like a good idea to me. But I could be wrong. Things have changed rapidly and a lot over the last several years, so I'm looking to this larger community for advice.

I recently started working with the local Pride Center and while they have programs for every other group under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, the one missing is something for crossdressers. Do you think this is something you would take advantage of if it were available in your area? What would attract you to participate and what would keep you away? Have the general conditions in the wider world made this kind of outlet meritless or is there still value.

I look forward to your input as we ponder this possibility.

[Heather76]

I'm aware of nothing in my area directed toward crossdressers. There is a LGBTQ+ organization that is having a Pride week the last week of this month. On Saturday, 10/1/22, there is a Pride festival at a local park in their area. I plan to attend in hopes of finding out if there is a group of crossdressers that meet on a regular basis. I have sent an email to the organization's email address with no response. The web site shows a once monthly meeting but gives no details. I was asking for info about that. I stopped by the office address shown but it was closed and from the outside (looking thru the front windows) it really looked like an empty office - no furniture.

What would attract me is something along the lines of a monthly get together where I could go dressed, maybe enjoy lunch or dinner out, and talk about the common problems we face both at home and in public. What would discourage me from attending functions is if they were held in nightclubs and/or bars as I don't drink and simply don't enjoy that environment.

I think there is merit to it as there is strength in numbers.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Yes, I think there is still a need for group meetings like this.

I'm still in the closet with non-CD's and would be interested. Hell, I haven't been out of the house enfemme in years.

That being said, you need to decide what the purpose of the group is.

I left a local group years ago for 2 reasons;

1. They became political and that wasn't what I joined for.

2. They had a very pronounced anti-CD vibe. If you weren't transitioning you were made to feel unwelcome of outright insulted.

[Fiona_44]

Sarah,

Your questions are very timely for a couple of reasons:

1. I was with a number of CD's on a Zoom call last night and the subject of the disappearance of many of the local CD support groups was raised. It is happening nationwide with some of the reasons being the wealth of CD information & support now available on the web and the fact that many colleges have effective LGBTQ centers and offer strong support programs. So younger people don't feel the need for joining local groups. One of the ladies on the call last night runs a local group and is holding their last meeting in 2 weeks due to poor turnout.

2. I have a small local LGBTQ center near me that is starting monthly meet & greet get-togethers for those LGBTQ'ers over 50 yrs. old. I plan to attend to see if other CD's are there & have talked to the leader of the group about starting programs for CD's but the reaction has been lukewarm so far. All of these centers seem to have multiple programs for gay, lez & trans people but CD's always seem to get left out.

[countrygirl]

If it was offered I would go.

[Jennifer03]

I would have to agree with Heather. I reached out to a local group affiliated with Tri-Ess but never heard back. Going out once a month to dinner, shopping or something like that would be great.

[alwayshave]

Sarah, I go to meet ups with several groups in my area. Mostly CDs, but others on the trans spectrum. The groups are on meetup dot com.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe because us CD's r dinosaurs, Sarah?:straightface:

Young trans/CD people today may not feel the need to present as pretty females. Even females today don't feel the need to present in ultra fem clothing.

In our day CD's presented as either females or males. Today, androgynous looks r popular and totally acceptable.:daydreaming:

[Teri Ray]

I am interested Sarah. It was always good to meet with others and share experiences.

[nvlady]

I went to a cd meeting once. The door was locked and you had to call and someone would come down and let you in. I stood on the sidewalk for ten minutes waiting to be let in. I was in drab, but if I had been dressed and at all nervous about it, that ten minutes would have seemed like ten hours.

[kimdl93]

Absolutely. I think I need at least the nudge to be out more often than I do at present

[Melissa73]

I used to attend a local cross-dressing support. It was fun, but the vibe was more geared to transgender people. And they were more interested in going out to socialize then meeting and talking. Didn't consider those like me who were closed. But it was fun while it lasted

[Helen_Highwater]

Some years ago I went to a well attended group meeting on a once a year basis. It became noticeable over time that numbers declined as it became more possible to go to venues attended initially by members of the LGBTQ community and then venues attended by muggles.

From my experience having offered the chance for folks to actually meet up in a safe venue there's a gulf between actually saying "I want to meet up" and doing it.

Also from my own experience I know just how difficult it is the take that first step out but if you want to progress then it's a step that has to be taken.

So to those saying you'd like to go and meet others my advice is find a LGBTQ friendly venue, set and date and time and post in the meet up section and see what happens. Follow the safe meeting guidance but self help might be your only way forward.

And in a shameless plug if you're in the UK and want to meet others then see the "Debs and Helen" post in the Places to go section.

[Shelly Preston]

I think a lot depends on the particular group.

The group I attended was a monthly support group. The core of the group was eventually more like a friends meeting. I am still in contact with some of them, over ten years later.

One of the older members died and we were all invited to her funeral.

It was definitely well worth joining.

[Kris Burton]

I think such a support group would be quite welcome here in Jersey. I have searched, and cannot find one still functioning

[mykell]

PFLAG....https://pflag.org/chapter/pflag-north-jersey

https://pflag.org/chapter/pflag-jersey-shore


they are nationwide i believe....

[CDMargret]

Hi everyone. I feel going to a support group would be so great. Meeting like minded and not to learn, share and get some understanding. Yes I would so go yet I think I would feel out of place in drab but so nervous in dress. Regardless of jeans or a skirt I will try to find something in my neck of the woods. South Bend/Mishawaka Indiana.

[Genifer Teal]

A support group that had monthly meetings was crucial to my eventually being out and about all the time. That was 20 years ago. As great of an idea as that is I'm not sure how relevant that would be today. I've also been a member of an unrelated social group to meet people with similar specific attributes (sorry to be so vague not relevant). Attendance keeps declining. Same older members, no Younger members. Of course if a younger person shows up their first thought is this is for old people. I believe social media has made meeting similar people so much easier. In our situation there's that and so much more acceptance. Younger people don't have the same issues like years ago. I don't know how necessary support groups are today.

[SometimesNatalie]

Lately I've been looking for some kind of CD support group and am finding that, as a few other people noted, most of what's out there is primarily for the trans community. One of the groups I found had been a crossdressing group for decades before switching focus and rebranding as a trans support group. So I emailed and asked them: hey, I'm "just" a CD and most of what I read on your website is aimed at the trans, genderfluid, and nonbinary folks. Got any room in there for me? They said yes, they take a sort of big-tent view of the LGBTQ+ world and that I'd be welcome to check them out. Haven't done that yet, but it seems promising.

That said, I'm still hesitant because I can't shake that feeling that I'm "just" a weekend CD, and that those groups are for people who really need a support network given all that they're dealing with. I'm probably minimizing my own internal struggle with CDing but you feel what you feel, you know?

[Jenn A116]

Interesting question. One that I'll tentatively answer yes to. I recently (past few months) found out about such a group locally and decided to join. Haven't yet been out of the house but they have a meeting coming up next week and I'm seriously considering it. Got an outfit picked out (well, actually 3 different ones) for the occasion. Just have to work up the courage and get buy-in from the wife.

[Debbie Denier]

My local support group in the UK folded in 2005. I used to attend in the 80s and 90s but stopped going due to marriage and children. When I first joined this forum I started a similar thread. As others have mentioned groups now seem to be under the LGBT umbrella. I attended a group a few years ago .I was the only CD there so never returned. That group too subsequently folded. Groups now appear to be several miles away and meet only once a month instead of weekly. I miss the local group which had changing and storage facilities . It was also a safe haven for individuals that could not dress at home or leave the house dressed.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I had "The Talk" she said it was alright with her if I found a support group. I looked locally and found none. I will admit it was difficult to find any cross dressing groups since there was no internet. I did find a telephone number for a group in Seattle. I called one evening in the hope of finding out particulars and the person answering the telephone was darn right RUDE. That rude with capitals. When I needed support the most, it was not available. Now? I believe there is still a support group in Seattle that meets and dines out. In my medium size city I believe there are support groups for young people who may be struggling with identity issues. At age 75, there is always a generational divide, no matter what the cause may be.

[Natalie5004]

There is a great group in the Sacramento CA area. They are very active.

[ziggie]

A support group would be wonderful but I don't know of any near my small rural community and I don't have the time (or inclination) to travel to the city.

[mykell]

this is from the PFLAG web page....mine is remote only now....

331110

they had 1 in hawaii and 4 in alaska....

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

While it would be great to talk to some like minded dudes and/or ladies that are supportive, I'd be hesitant to go to such a thing because:
1 I believe there would be non-acceptance to differing levels of "commitment" to crossdressing. I don't wear makeup, don't tuck, etc, which means...something? I sometimes underdress, some think that's stupid. I don't try to pass, some think that's not taking it seriously. I often don't wear age appropriate clothing. And so on.
2 I have absolutely no doubt that politics would come up and I'd not only be in the minority but openly attacked.
3 The first time someone referred to me as "her" or called me ma'am, or one of the ladies, I'd be tempted to lift my skirt and prove them wrong, which would probably break some sort of protocol.

So no, I probably won't go.

[Fiona_44]

Mykell,

Please correct me if I'm wrong but isn't PFLAG primarily designed to support parents of trans kids and their kids?

[Heather76]

3 The first time someone referred to me as "her" or called me ma'am, or one of the ladies, I'd be tempted to lift my skirt and prove them wrong, which would probably break some sort of protocol.

For this serious topic, I thank you for giving me such a hearty chuckle. ROTFLMAO!!!!

[mykell]

Mykell,

Please correct me if I'm wrong but isn't PFLAG primarily designed to support parents of trans kids and their kids?

Parents For Lesbians And Gays....their was talk of changing the acronym but it hasn't happened....

my jersey shore chapter has a more trans flavor....mostly women to men also and i never felt uncomfortable there....they used to have two meetings in two separate towns.

the other meeting was smaller and mostly gay....c19 shook things up and they are trying to get back to business as usual but its baby steps....

[CeCe]

There is or was a group in New York City that meets or met for a private dinner on Wednesdays, but I never went because in the photographs everyone looked passable. I have a beard and will not wear makeup, wigs, heels, etc. I did not think I would fit in well. If their website made it clear that everyone at every stage of crossdressing was welcome, I would attend.

[Erika_M]

Young trans/CD people today may not feel the need to present as pretty females. Even females today don't feel the need to present in ultra fem clothing

Its hard to sort out my feelings on this one. If you got onto Reddit, ultra femme dressing is still very popular, with the younger crowd. They're just not in this forum lol I also don't think many of them leave the house either or being online fulfills their need to socialize maybe.

I think it might be different for people who lived before social media. I remember finding forums like this for just a hobby and there was still such a need to go out, find a group and fit in. I guess maybe for younger people they're content with only having online lives.

It's more acceptable now for boys and men to wear bright colors, including pink and floral patterns while women aren't expected to be so rigidly feminine and delicate all the time either

I identify as female and I'm just more into mom clothes lol. Headband, Tshirt from the girls department, jeans, flats. My modest unmentionable collection would apall most of you! Lol

I'm glad many younger people feel free to express themselves, especially with the cosplay crowd, but there's a strong... Element? That like to prank people.

Like they'll be dressed up and many of these younger kids pass quite well (I know I did lol) and they'll talk to someone and then drop down into a deeper voice to out themselves as a guy just to get a reaction out of people.
It's disturbing I think. It's like a form of straight bashing kind of.

Didn't mean to go off on a tangent...

[Vickie_CDTV]

25 years ago, just as the internet exploded in popularity, virtually every big city had a crossdresser focused support group and some also had more general trans groups. Even some small cities had crossdresser support groups.

25 years later, almost all of the crossdresser focused groups are gone (some lasted 30-50 years!). Even the "open" general trans focused groups are dying off quickly. I don't know why this happened, maybe social media, maybe this generation don't need "support" (in my 20s I certainly did.)

The "LGBTQ" groups today generally don't understand straight crossdressers, may not even acknowledge it as "trans". Not always, but they don't tend to understand transvestism/straight crossdressing, and may have never had a straight crossdresser involved.

[Leacat]

I would love to have a support group for Crossdresser's and I would definitely be a willing participant I think it's important to be able to get together with other crossdressers and support each other and we can help each other no matter what level of dressing they are at. I know that we feel very alone and confused about who we are and to get together with others it definitely is a great way to say hi you're not by yourself

[SavannahVee]

I would definitely attend a support group, and would love to find a social group that meets for things like diner, or coffee, or shopping. It does seems like most groups are more focused on transitioning. I'm not really a night-owl so the bars a clubs are not really my thing, but I may give them a shot.

[TessK]

I do wish there was a local group near me but finding one seems difficult. I don't even really know where to begin to look.