Why Are We So Hard On Ourselves?

[Kandi Robbins]

I read posts here and I frequently see someone worrying that they are being "clocked" or if they "pass". It baffles me.

I understand the way it used to be, I am sufficiently old enough to know.

But we live in a different world now. If you go out, if you present well, if you have common courtesy, NO ONE CARES!

Yes, we live in a troubled world, but those fears for safety are for everyone, not specifically us.

I have been out well over a thousand times and I have never passed and I have never been made to feel uncomfortable.

Just take a deep breathe and relax. You are a worthy human being and how you wish to dress yourself is not an issue.

[Cheryl T]

I worried a lot when I first went out but that passed as time and experience did.
That was nearly 20 years ago.

Now the worry is different for many. We see these "hate" crimes every day. Someone being punched from behind for no reason, attacked as they stand on a corner because they are different. It's no longer total fear of discovery, now it's just fear because so many people feel they have the right to attack anyone for any reason.

[Kris Burton]

Thank you Kandi. These words of wisdom I will be taking to heart as I am about to undertake my first extended outing en femme. Super excited and apprehensive at the same time, so your words are well placed and encouraging to me.

[TAG]

Kandi you are so right.
Times are very different than 20 years ago, but dressing is not looked down on as much as it used to be.
I came out in 2008 so 14 years in the world for me.
Relax is great advice.

Cheryl T I agree with your comments as well. There are crazy people out there.

[Erika_M]

I think for me, it's an issue of privacy. There's people I don't want to know, because I don't want to affect them in some way.

It may be something you do for you, in you spare time, unless you want to be totally out and I understand people who don't want that to come back on them or people they care about in some way.

Sadly it's just not at the point where there's no difference between the men and women's sections at the store.

[Aka_Donna]

Pretty simple, it's not just us, but it's the SO and how she will react. If press for more visibility, then CD at home and relationship will suffer as she is not ready to embrace more openness. I don't know how to effectively raise, resolve and move forward on this issue. And I suspect many are like me and happy to accept what they can accept. It's a compromise to living together.

[NancyJ]

It would be a wonderful world if no one cared. I live in a semi DADT relationship because my own wife can not tolerate the thought of seeing me fully dressed. She knows, but she cares, a lot. Transgender people are bullied in schools and are the victims of violence in communities every day. Murders of trans women continue to be a national tragedy. Some states continue to pass, or attempt to pass, legislation restricting the rights of trans people. Many states that have enacted laws banning trans girls from participating in girls sports have never had a trans athlete attempt to compete.

Although, thankfully, in certain regions of the country or world there are pockets where few people care and many are tolerant, in general, crossdressing in public or being openly transgender remains something that violates general societal norms and can be risky. Too many people do still care. Nancy

[Debs]

Ive noticed a big difference in the last 5 years, I go everywhere shopping during the day, as long as your dressed sensible and walk with confidence, dont make eye contact, browse as though you dont care who is watching, but obviously I do have a glance round, and guess what, nobody is staring or watching me, I just avoid the obvious, gangs of youngsters or drunks etc, just as you would if you wasnt dressed. I dont think its a big a deal anymore. Dont forget, these days you may be a complete maniac with a knife for all they know, so they will stay away , lol

[Kandi Robbins]

Just to clarify, when I say no one cares, I am speaking of the general public. Of course, we all have our personal circumstances and our relationships with family and friends. That is a whole different discussion and is one I am sympathetic to very much.

[Emily in the south]

Thank you for the post Kandi. Like Kris, I too am about to go on my first major out of town trip next month. Four days of adventure.
Your words will be in my thoughts as I attempt to enjoy myself.

Emily

[Krisi]

People do care. They may not make comments or threaten you, but they do notice. If they are strangers, it doesn't matter, but if you are recognized by a neighbor, someone you work with or go to church with, it can be a big deal with serious consequences.

Don't let the pink fog cloud your thinking.

[April Rose]

Sign I saw in the window of a psychotherapists office in Milwaukee many years ago:

"People spend too much time worrying about what other people think of them when they don't"

[Heather76]

Kandi, like Kris and Emily, I appreciate your post, too, as I'm about to make my 1st journey out where there will be lots of people who will see Heather. It's a Pride festival so I certainly don't expect any issues; but, I'm still nervous about being out in public fully en femme. I've been out 2 other times but had very little interaction with others.

[Aunt Kelly]

With respect, I disagree. We do not see these things "every day". They do happen, of course, but with nowhere near the frequency that should give us pause because most of us are not sex workers. That group is virtually always in danger. The TG person who comports herself as would an average cis woman, including her choices of route and venue, need not worry.

[Karren H]

I do not like getting clocked but it does not bother me that much. It just means I did not work hard enough on my appearance.

[Jenn A116]

A very interesting post Kandi. I've been wondering about something that is similar vein. Does our "male" competitive streak rear its head here? Wanting to be better at looking good?

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I have been out a lot in both major cities and rural communities, daytime and after dark. I have no illusions about passing, (although I wish I could), and I have NEVER had a bad expereince.

PS: but for spending some time at Houston trans-friendly night spots, most of my outings have been daylight or early evenings at places where the general public goes. And on the nights out, I made a point of parking close to the door, and limited myself to two drinks and then soda water. Simple precautions.

[docrobbysherry]

#1. If u think u passed? U probably didn't . Because people treat u quite differently when they believe u to be a female without a doubt!:battingeyelashes:

#2. Because EVERYONE treats me differently, (see #1 above), I get stressed going out to vanilla venues dressed!:doh:

[Davina2833]

Kandi,

So true! thank you for your post.

Davina

[Kandi Robbins]

The TG person who comports herself as would an average cis woman, including her choices of route and venue, need not worry.

My point exactly.

[Kerry Michaels]

Statistically, if you move out of your immediate locale, I en of you pass someone who knows you, they are unlikely to recognise you,

[Debs]

Kerry, correct, I was in Manchester and one of my work collegues walked right past me, and i'd been working with him for several years

[Kerry Michaels]

I?m in warrington. We could have passed each other in the last week😂

[Fiona_44]

Kandi,

I was somewhat nervous the first 2 or 3 times I went out in public en femme but not as nervous as I expected to be. Since then I get out an average of 4 days per week and absolutely love it. I pass in most simple situations with a small amount of verbal exchange but I've reached the point where I don't care if I do or not. I've also been clocked and again really don't care. I'm just happy to be Fiona. I use common sense about where I go and have been out somewhat less than 100 times but have not had a bad experience so far.

Fiona

[TheHiddenMe]

With respect, I disagree. We do not see these things "every day". They do happen, of course, but with nowhere near the frequency that should give us pause because most of us are not sex workers. That group is virtually always in danger. The TG person who comports herself as would an average cis woman, including her choices of route and venue, need not worry.

Bingo.

I've been out probably 500 times in the last 6 years without issue. Kandi can attest there are worse things that can happen to you than being outed, and told the story recently that a few hours after running 14 miles with someone, that person did not recognize Kandi when they met face-to-face.

Saturday Night I went to a rock concert with about 2,500 attendees and zero issue. I'm sure some noticed that I probably wasn't a GG, but if I cared I wouldn't have gone. And with all of the security, my personal risk because I was dressed was zero.

[jacques]

hello Kandi,
what you write is so true.
But for many of us it is not that easy to break the chains of our upbringing,
stay healthy!
Luv J

[Kris Burton]

Since I wrote my first post (#3) I have been out twice. I dressed to blend and not stand out with an everyday look yet hopefully stylish and femme. Nervous the first time, much less so the second, far more confident. No one noticed me at all, and attracted no undue attention. I pretty much forgot about being dressed and just enjoyed the experience. Looking forward to doing it again. So thanks Kandi - your philosophy and approach works big time!

[GretchenM]

Kandi, I think you make some good points. But others also make good points that it can be dangerous. We are still in a world where there are some who cannot stand it when someone is different and strays from the perfect match to a concept that sex and gender are the same thing and they make no bones about letting you know they don't like you. The problem is, it is really hard to identify who that is, but they sometimes do show some certain characteristics that give you a bit of a bad feeling. The problem that the people we encounter is a very randomized process and you must keep your wits about you at all times, just as GGs do.

Ten years ago when I was in attending group therapy meetings we were often taught over and over to use this rule. You can reduce the probability of being attacked by simply being aware of what GGs do to stay safe and doubling it. These are words from those who had been attacked and one was attacked by 5 bigots and spent 3 months in the hospital. She was lucky to be alive. But she is now deaf in one ear and has mild speech problems as well as some internal damage that can't be repaired - such as to her heart. She knows she was in the wrong place and she paid the price for going there.

Things are much, much better today, but once again there is a certain probability that anyone, and I mean anyone, will be attacked by some nut you cross paths with. Nobody needs to be paranoid, but we should always be aware of our surroundings and react properly to the signals we see. The fact is that between the sorry social environment with its extremes in some parts of the country and the world and the effects of the pandemic causing some to lose contact with reality, be careful, especially if you are different from the run of the mill person. The world is slowly recovering from about six years of craziness, but it still has a long ways to go.

[Stephanie47]

Just to clarify, when I say no one cares, I am speaking of the general public. Of course, we all have our personal circumstances and our relationships with family and friends. That is a whole different discussion and is one I am sympathetic to very much.

As others have stated, one has to do what women would do when out and about. Unfortunately, the country is sliding backwards and it is fair game to terrorize sexual minorities. Too many feel emboldened in some parts of the country to pester or attack people who are different. With that possibility engraved in someone mind it really puts a damper on a positive feeling. When I have the opportunity I have gone out for an evening drive and a stroll in a safe neighborhood. Yes, where I go is safe and I have never been accosted by anyone, but, after a while it does get boring. It's, "OK, I've done that. Now what?" To do something to just say I did it is not my lifestyle.

[Kandi Robbins]

Thank you all for your input. I may not have made my point the exact way it was meant.

If one wishes to go out and experience the world as a woman, obviously exercising all safety measures any woman would exercise, then they should concentrate on making that experience the best they can have. If you chose to dress in private, please do what makes you the most comfortable.

There are four simple rules for going out: be smart (don't put yourself at any greater risk than any other person in that circumstance); be appropriate (dress for your age, body type and circumstance so as not to draw any unwarranted negative attention); be confident (any human being acting nervous may draw unnecessary negative attention in this day and age of mall shootings, etc.); and be visible. For those of us comfortable in doing so, we owe it to those that came before us to continue the gradual tearing down of the issues that have plagued our sisters in the past.

Nothing in life is easy, nothing. But being yourself can be done if you do it right. I know from significant personal experience as I have been out over a thousand times, been to tens of thousands of places and been on display for many thousands of people by now as I have not shied away from doing what I want and that is usually in a very public and giving capacity.

I wrote the initial post when I read someone else's post (with pictures) who seemed to only focus on what she perceived others thought of her and probably didn't enjoy the experience like she should have (and she looked lovely). When I say no one cares, pay attention to others, a significant majority of people are so self-absorbed as to not know what's going on around them and to many, especially the younger generation, being non-binary is truly no big deal

Okay, off my soapbox. If you want to find a problem with anything in life, you certainly can. I prefer finding solutions and the joy in others.

Be well all!

[Natalie5004]

Kandi, I would stand with you if I could.

[sometimes_miss]

Kandi, the 'It never happened to me, so that means it doesn't happen anymore', attitude isn't reality.

[Raychel]

I guess we all have our own since of comfort.
Some of us feel comfortable going out, others may not
Myself, they way I prefer to dress. )as in my avatar)
i don't think I would ever feel totally at easy out.
People are going to look and talk.

I spent too many years feeling totally self conscious of myself.
I don't need to go out in public asking for it.

But to each his/her own

[Kandi Robbins]

Kandi, the 'It never happened to me, so that means it doesn't happen anymore', attitude isn't reality.

I never said it doesn't happen anymore. Please don't put words in my mouth. But there are ways to get out and mitigate the risks.

There are risks being black, being in school, being in church or a synagogue, going to the mall, being in the wrong place at the wrong time etc. Being a human being in the United States is a risk these days. Being trans/CD is no greater a risk than being anything else. If one were black and took your view point, they would not go to the grocery store anymore.

Life is a risk is the unfortunate reality.

[Aunt Kelly]

Kandi, the 'It never happened to me, so that means it doesn't happen anymore', attitude isn't reality.
Quite so, but at the same time, the threat is way overblown most of the time.

[TheHiddenMe]

As others have stated, one has to do what women would do when out and about. Unfortunately, the country is sliding backwards and it is fair game to terrorize sexual minorities. Too many feel emboldened in some parts of the country to pester or attack people who are different. With that possibility engraved in someone mind it really puts a damper on a positive feeling.

No, the US is not sliding backwards. It is safer today to be LGBT than it EVER has been in the past.

There have always been bullies who pick on those who are different. But on all sorts of measures, young people are more tolerant than any prior generation.

A vast majority approve of same sex marriages, up substantially from the pre-Obergfel days.

Does everyone understand why certain individuals in the positions of power pick on trans kids? Because they know the cultural change is happening before their eyes and they are desperately trying to hold on to power.

Again, if you are a POC and trans and work in the sex industry, you are at greater risk. For the rest of us who visit this board, no, there is not any greater risk.

As I write this, I am sitting on a Amtrak train in a (cute) yellow dress. Thursday I walked around my old college campus, yesterday and today downtown Chicago, and tomorrow Pride in St. Louis. Issues? None.

No, it doesn't mean it can't, but the risks just aren't there.