What is self acceptance

[Carol P]

Hi, what is self acceptance, is it admitting that you crossdress , or that you can crossdress without the guilt?
I?ve been dressing since I was very young(4), and cannot seem to dress without guilt even though my wife is brilliant and accepts me for who I am .
I suppose what I?m asking is,Is there a way to achieve self acceptance
Thanks Carol P.

[Debs]

I accept who I am, I am a T girl, but for my the fact that I respect my wifes wishes, I would go full time dressed, and yes my wife accepts who I am, but just doesnt want me to dress local, so I travel away from home, but can stay out overnight. Dressing around the house isnt a problem

[Kris Burton]

For me it is both - and more. I could not admit to myself that I was a crossdresser for most of my life, not out of guilt I think but in concern for how it might be perceived. When I stopped caring about that, and when I knew the only person to whom it may matter (my wife) was accepting, all the rest fell into place...accepting myself on that level was easy.

As a late bloomer have not experienced the guilt or shame that plague so many of us, so that may be one of the benefits of starting later in life. You may find yourself caught in a pattern that has been following you for years. Recognizing that you are doing nothing wrong and hurting no one might help ease those feelings.

Of course this is just some thoughts of how I approach this question...an oversimplification to be sure, but it might get you started. I'd also say do do not hesitate to seek some counseling as well, and be ready to be as upfront with your therapist as you can. if this has been going on for years, it would seem an imperative.

[Carol P]

Thanks for your replies

[alwayshave]

Carol, I know the guilt. Having grown up in a large catholic family guilt was constant. I have crossdressed since 4ish years old. When I was young I knew it was wrong but did not feel guilt. When I entered puberty there was a lot of guilt associated with what I would do while dressed and therefore with the dressing. When I got married, I hid the dressing from my ex-wife. I had lots of guilt because I felt somehow I was cheating. When my marriage ended and I was on my own, I realized that I enjoyed dressing and that it did not hurt anyone else. It was this realization that did away with my guilt.

[kimdl93]

Is it:

Admitting that you crossdress? Yes
Dressing without guilt? Yes
Is there a way to achieve self-acceptance? Yes. Start by believing your wife. If she accepts you, and you trust her judgement, then that should give you reason to believe in yourself. Second, remember something my psychologist once told me: <crossdressing> is not a crime, you know. You likely grew up being lead to believe there was something wrong with crossdressing. It is a mistaken belief held by many. You free yourself of any mistaken belief by challenging it. Here are a few ways to challenge the thought: 1) Your wife accepts you. If cross dressing was something that was wrong, she would likely not accept it. 2) The vast majority of mental healt professionals will assure you that cross dressing is not a mental disorder. It has been removed from the DSM. You don?t have a defect. You are as normal as anyone else. 3) It is hurtful to you to feel guilty about something that is not harmful to you or anyone else. When that voice in the back of your head tries to tell you otherwise, tell it to STOP! Say it internally, and if it helps say STOP aloud! 4) Practice this daily!

[Debbie Denier]

Still trying to find the answer to that question.. Like Jamie I suffered an enormous amount of guilt and shame from a teenager onwards. Thought getting married would eliminate the feelings. Stopped CD for about 13 yrs when we had kids . Started again in 2011 when father died. Wife found stash went ballistic. Had a breakdown and came out to mother. She accepted me and 1st time I lost the guilt.Mother passed away 2020. Guilt returned as wife non accepting. Feel like I have spent most of my life having an affair with my self. But have always been faithful to my wife.So dont think I have achieved full self acceptance only a compromise.

[Fiona_44]

Carol,

1. First you must understand that you are not doing anything wrong. Yes you are doing something that is outside of society's norms but people do numerous things outside of society's norms all the time and that does not automatically make them bad.

2. By opening up to your wife about your CD'ing you have already eliminated one of the major sources of guilt that affects many CD's. Take advantage of your thoughtful wife's acceptance and be thankful you have such an understanding partner.

3. Understand that there are untold thousands of CD's, you are not part of a small, limited group of men who cross dress. It is much more common than most people realize.

4. Cross dressing can bring a deep sense of satisfaction to a CD's life if you let it. Don't fight it, just enjoy the journey.

[Heather76]

I have never had any guilt about crossdressing. But, like Kris, I started late in life (age 74). While I tried on my mother's bras, girdles, and nylons as an adolescent, it was not a daily desire. I'm sure it was mostly out of a children's curiosity with no thoughts of wanting to be a girl or to wear women's clothing on a regular basis. And, yes, I occasionally (but rarely) put on both my wives' pantyhose and found that quite arousing. I guess I may have been a latent CDer and just didn't realize it. Anyway, I have no qualms with the fact I enjoy CDing. It's just what I enjoy and there's nothing wrong with that. If I enjoyed being a serial killer, then I'd have a problem. Wearing dresses and bras is not a problem. Tens of millions of women do it. I suspect millions of men do, also.

[Patience]

Mostly, doing it without guilt. Admitting you CD? Sure, on a "need to know" basis.

You seem to have the most favorable situation for a CDer. You get to crossdress and be married. Don't let it go to waste.

[docrobbysherry]

Self acceptance means: Dressing without shame or guilt.:battingeyelashes:

It took me over 5 years here on CD.com before I got there, but I have!:thumbsup:

[NancyJ]

My view would be that for some of us, like me, the voice of shame/guilt will probably always live inside of us. It is reinforced by societal non acceptance. Our own self acceptance means being able to shout down or talk over those internal voices and hold ourselves in warm regard. Eliminating the voices altogether has not been possible for me, not as long as it must remain secret from so many people. Nancy

[GretchenM]

Ultimately, self acceptance should completely remove the sense of guilt and shame. OK, that is the theory. In practice it is not so simple. I now feel only a little of that shame and guilt under certain circumstances. The "under certain circumstances" is the important part. For those of us who experienced shame and guilt that we were doing something wrong by following our heart and we have experienced that for decades it becomes very close to a normal response in terms of our brain's reaction. Those old and persistent feelings are now nearly built in and automatic. Our brain tries to tie things together to make sense of the moment and it keeps digging up that old pattern that in certain circumstances generating feelings of shame and guilt are the right things to do. Each time that happens it reinforces that reaction even though in the higher levels of brain function it doesn't really make sense to feel that way. Our consciousness says, "Hold on. That is necessary anymore." But the rest of the brain still follows that path and we sense a conflict.

I am a bit like you in that I have been doing this switcheroo for so long, suppressing those shame and guilt feelings seems almost impossible. But the reason it seems that way is because we have not yet achieved absolute and full self acceptance because memories are always tripped in those circumstances and probably our brain reacts to those memories in the way we reacted in the past. In other words reinforcement of those feelings blocks our ability to reprogram that response. The conflict always pops up to some extent. Frustrating to have that happen even though you consciously don't want it to happen.

Keep in mind, most of what goes on to generate our conscious behaviors does not occur in the conscious part of the brain. Our sense of the processes going on in the background is almost completely blocked and for good reason - it would overload our consciousness. So, in effect, our consciousness only receives the conclusions of all that stuff that went on to generate the conclusions. So, we consciously react in accordance with the end product of what the subconscious works out. Even single, simple actions like turning a light switch on or off requires the use of a vast network of neural signals that work in a fraction of a second to come up with the decision to turn on the light because it is dark. The only thing that we consciously are aware of is "turn on the light because it is dark and you need to see more." Eventually, the subconscious learns that if your eyes detect little light - darkness - it knows to "turn on the light switch on the wall next to the door." We do it almost spontaneously, but only almost. The brain needs to assess the situation as indicated by our senses and then dig up a solution that is reliable - "create light by flipping the switch." So simple and yet so complex only a few creatures have the brain power to do that.

[Krisi]

If you dress as a woman on a regular basis, you have to accept that you are a crossdresser. That's just being realistic.

Your only other choice is to quit dressing. Then you will be an "ex crossdresser".

[Cheryl T]

For me it was letting go of all the guilt I would feel after dressing. That feeling that I was doing something wrong.
I at last came to the realization that nothing I did hurt anyone except myself as I would have that guilt and shame to carry around until the desire returned (which was never long). I accepted that this is who I am and maybe more actually. That part is still being determined.
I decided that for me to be happy this had to be part of my life and if others could not accept that then I would move on without them.

[bridget thronton]

Guilt mostly vanished when I told my wife and adult children. I was lucky that they loved me enough that they do not care that I dress.

[Aunt Kelly]

Hi, what is self acceptance, is it admitting that you crossdress , or that you can crossdress without the guilt?


It is the latter, without question. The support you can get from this community will help, but letting go of the shame and accepting yourself for all that you are can be a tough thing to do. Professional counseling will help, but however you get there, you owe it to yourself to find your way. You will so much happier once you do. Now... that's not to say everything will be rainbows and roses. Still lots of ignorance out there and not everyone will understand (should you decide to out yourself), but you will be more comfortable in your own skin.

[il.dso]

So true, thank you!

[Diane P]

New to the forum. Self acceptance to me is being able to look myself in the mirror and think that I look really good dressed as a woman. My wife passed in July and the beginning of Sep I decided to go buy some thongs for myself. I've had thong underwear off and on over the last 20 years and that had been the extent of my cross dressing to that point. Of course I never let my wife know that I had thongs or enjoyed wearing them. I would also throw them away when I thought it was silly to wear them. As I was on the way to the store to buy some new thongs I had a thought pop into my head of "I wonder how I would look in a dress" which was immediately followed by the thought "transforming Dean into Diane". Since that point I have bought myself 56 dresses, 20 nightgowns, 24 tops, 12 shorts, 33 thongs and 35 bikini underwear. I love ALL my women's clothing and wearing them, I wouldn't trade it for the world, though for the forseeable future I'm only going to wear any of it at home, since I have a beard. I keep debating with myself about shaving off the beard, but having spent 20 years in the Air Force, were the only facial hair allowed was a mustache, I enjoy having a beard.

[nancy58]

I am certain that there is a way to achieve self-acceptance. I am still working on it even though I came out to my wife in 2005 and even though I've spent numerous hours talking with a therapist about it. Self-judgment is a sneaky thing. The morning before my first-ever subway ride en femme last week, I talked with her about my fear of being called out in the bright light of a subway car with nowhere to go until the next stop. Working back from there, it's my own judgment of people who transgress against social mores including. . . me. You can tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with how you dress or how you feel, but you also need to believe it

Some time with a good therapist may help with this. I think also that if your wife is accepting and doesn't have a vested interest in getting you to stop dressing up, it would be a good thing to confide your feelings to her.

The bottom line, though, is that you are a good, decent person deserving love and understanding. You hurt no one by dressing up. You know this in your brain, and now you just need to get your heart on the same page.

[Barbara Jo]

I think Popeye said it best.....
"I Yam What I Yam & Dats What I Yam!" :)

Self acceptance is all important.

[Beano980]

For me, this is the central question I struggle with. I admit to myself I am a crossdresser. It's the acceptance and shame I feel from time to time that I struggle with. I am definitely a work in progress.

[NancySue]

Admission, guilt. Both. I, too started young and struggled with mostly guilt?fear of getting caught, etc. When I met my wife, I took the leap of faith and told her. After many discussions, she?s accepted and fully supports my dressing. This made my guilt vanish. I?m retired and dress every day. Panties, bra and hose for sure. Sometimes more, sometimes less..as we all know..depends on mood. It?s fantastic.

[ShelbyDawn]

I spent years with my therapist working on this very issue. In the final analysis:
1. It's not illegal,
2. It doesn't' hurt anybody,
3. It makes me feel better about myself, and
4. Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

Now, I cross dress every day. I wear bras and panties, women's jeans. My bras often enhance my breasts and I've even taken to wearing small forms.
So far I haven't received a single comment and I'm pretty sure people notice, but I just don't care. I do it for me, not them.
If I'm staying home, it's usually in a skirt or a dress.( I recently discovered how comfortable skorts are and wore one yesterday to go check my mail)
My nails are longer than most men's with clear acrylic so the don't break and chip. I get compliments on them all the time from both men and women.
My toes are currently a beautiful burnt orange color( Big time Texas Longhorn fan and it is football season.)

I hope you can find what you're looking for. It is out there, or in there..

[Gi Gondin]

I believe self acceptance is the hardest obstacle we have to surpass as crossdressers. It depends exclusively of us. And although partner acceptance can make a lot easier, it’s not a guarantee that you will achieve it.

For over 5 years my girlfriend, the woman I live together for about a year is a superfan of Gisele, encourages my dressing on an everyday basis, asks me about this forum, buy me shoes, clothes,… even with that kind of unconditional support I am not able to get rid of the guilt feeling.

I loved the answers in this thread, gave me a lot to think about, thank you Carol and the other girls!

[Vale]

Hi Carol, I was raised in a deeply Catholic Polish family. I have had to split self acceptance into several parts. First admitting to myself that my behavior was more than just an occasional quirk. Then dealing with the shame. While I know that there is nothing to be ashamed of, deep in my subcontious there is still that kernel of shameful dread that sometimes rears it?s ugly head. I don?t think that beastie will ever go away entirely. I have had to learn to manage it. I have done pretty well with that and have learned to truly love the feminine aspects of my personality. . . . Vale

[Stephanie47]

I've read and reread the answers to this post. "Is it admitting that you crossdress?" That's only an affirmation you wear women's clothing; a factual matter. I am a child of the 1950's and teen of the 1960's. When I first donned my mother's full slips it was only because I liked the feel of the fabric. I had no desire to be a girl. I had no female family members who playfully dressed me in girl clothing or as punishment. It was not until puberty set in that my sexual being arose and aroused. Why the heck did I start going further into my mother's clothing? I have no idea.

In the 1960's the common thoughts thrown out to me was men who wore women's clothing were gay and, secondly, homosexuality was sinful. I was destined to go to hell according to the pastor of my church. How could a teen who lusted after unobtainable starlet such as Annette Funicello and young women/teens in school, church and the neighborhood ever don women's clothing. There was a lot of self loathing, self hatred and disgust. I know many women on this site think poorly of guys who do not come clean about their feelings before marriage, but if society said you're a freak or worse, and you cannot reconcile these different feelings, what's a guy to do? In the 1960's? Not now.

It took a long time of self analysis to come to self acceptance. I looked at life with a balance scale. Cross dressing on one side of the balance; accomplishments on the other. The list of accomplishments, and, lack of vices on the other side. Some of those positive "accomplishments of life" have inflicted conflicting thoughts that are worse than sorting out the "why" of cross dressing. I thought a long time ago that my self acceptance was based on my wife's acceptance until I realized pushing her to accept this side of me was nothing short of spousal mental abuse. Yes, it's DADT. She has not set "boo" since the mid 1980's. She knows I don my femme attire and participate on this site. No negative judgements.

Maybe, not just maybe, something my PTSD counselor said made acceptance easier. She is of the opinion that each man and woman has some dna of the other sex in his or her dna chain; in some it is more than in others. To me that makes sense and probably may explain the variances in sexual identity along the spectrum. Why under mental stresses did I seek to emulate a woman; the woman within? During other times in my life, infantryman in Nam doing all those "manly" things, the male dna took over. It makes sense. So, self acceptance makes sense since I have no control over it. It's me. I just have to negotiate life and deal with the non-acceptance of those minds around me who just plain do not understand. What secrets do they possess?

[Bea_]

For me, self acceptance is being more at peace wearing the things I like than when feeling a compulsion to reject that side. I've pretty much been at that place, within myself, for most of the last decade. For now, there's nothing in me that wants or needs to "not be the guy in a dress" (in private).

That being said, I feel a definite sense of wishing my wife weren't stuck with a guy in a dress. There is still a strong reluctance on her part to not see or acknowledge my taste. I won't do DADT because issues in our past cause me to refuse to hide a core aspect of my character. So, self acceptance and real peace with the whole issue are separate states that I'd love to see reconciled.

[Lana Mae]

Simply put: Let yourself! Be yourself! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae